Monday, July 14, 2008

I'm Back: Did I Miss Anything?

(A potential recruit in the War Against Pie Plates)

Today is Bastille Day, and that means two things: 1) a Frenchman will probably take a flyer in today's Tour stage, and 2) my vacation is over. If you're wondering where I spent my time off, rest assured I was nowhere near France. Unfortunately, I can't tell you where I did go, because if I do then everyone will want to go there, and they'll also bring with them their sundry bacterias and viruses and crass Western folkways, thus destroying the delicate cultural and ecological balance I was fortunate enough to enjoy. (I know what you're now thinking, and I will neither confirm nor deny spending the last week in New Jersey.) Let's just say that my vacation was exactly like a stint in the Peace Corps, except there were no impoverished peoples, the food was delicious, and I didn't lift a finger to help anybody.

I am, however, quite willing to tell you how I did not spend my vacation. Here are just a few things I didn't do:

File a Lawsuit Against the New York Bike-Share Program for Copying my Take a Pista, Leave a Pista Program

I was only waiting for the PistaDex to dip slightly before implementing TAP/LAP so that it would be economically viable, but unfortunately the scoundrels behind the bike-share program scooped me. Actually, while I was sitting around biding my time someone else went ahead and stole the PistaDex from me too. I really need to be more proactive when it comes to whoring my ideas.

Visit Gary Fisher's 29er Fantasy Camp

Yes, now large-wheeled devotees have a place where they can extoll the virtues of their machines and feel free to be themselves as they roll somewhat more smoothly over rugged terrain, free from the scorn and ridicule of the diametrally-challenged and the rubber-and-kevlar grip of the international 26-inch tire manufacturers' cabal. Sadly, however, I was not among them.

Immerse Myself In a Full Week of Versus Tour de France Coverage

Actually, this was my original intention--to camp out on my sofa like a Basqueman beside a Pyreneean road and do nothing but watch the Tour. Excited, I donned my Tour-watching smock, took the phone off the hook, and fired up the TV. To make it more interesting, I also bought a bottle of tequila, a bottle of whiskey, and a bottle of vodka. Each time Phil or Paul gratuitously mentioned Lance Armstrong, I took a shot of tequila. Each time Paul said the phrase "front end of the main field," I took a belt of whiskey. And each time Phil or Paul said the phrase, "sorry for the little bit of picture break-up," I hit the vodka. (I also died a little bit inside each time that anti-bike Autozone commercial ran, but that wasn't part of the game.) Unfortunately I passed out and nearly choked to death on my own vomit before the end of Stage 1. Lesson learned.

In any event, my bout with alcohol poisoning was really a blessing in disguise (albeit a disgusting one which contained a disturbing amount of undigested Cheetos), since it prompted me to go on a real vacation and get some rest. The blessing was also a mixed one (and I'm not just talking about the other stuff that was in there with the Cheetos), since taking a vacation is also like sitting up in a group ride--while it might feel good for a little while ultimately you've got to pedal twice as hard to get back to the group. I'm now almost completely out of the loop, having missed monumental things like:

This Once-In-A-Lifetime Craigslist Bargain

custom spicer track bicycle - $1250 (bed-stuy) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/bik/744542747.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-07-06, 2:50PM EDT

Custom spicer track frame, Kinesis carbon fork, sugino 75 165cm track cranks, brooks b-17 saddle, mks pedals/clips (size LL, have size L you can have as well, soma double straps, aerospoke front/rear, older stem/bar configuration i used because it had less of a drop, will include an italmanubri stem, pista drops, and nitto track rb-018 bullhorns. tange headset, sugino bb, white chain. frame size is roughly a 56-58.. its a bit small for me as i'm 6'2. I included a picture of a small crack in the front wheel (not structural!!) that i covered with tape about 6 months ago and it's been fine like that.I can remove it and show you that it is only cosmetic. Michelin pro race front tire, specialized mondo rear, This is a fun, stiff, fast bicycle that has been well built and cared for by myself and bike shops.
$1250
Thanks for looking!


That's right, the crack in the Aerospoke is non-structural. Sure, it may have been structural at one point, but that was before the owner covered it in duct tape. Personally I'd have absolutely no reservations about riding a front wheel comprised of only five spokes, one of which has a crack in it. Four out of five is more than enough--after all, the seller has five fingers on each hand and he still managed to take a decent photo of his bike with his thumb up his ass. That's good enough for me.

The Theft and Recovery of An $8,000 Bicycle

A number of readers were kind enough to forward me this story:

$8,000 bike stolen during trip to ATM
The Capital Times — 7/08/2008 9:58 am
A visit to an ATM cost a bicyclist his $8,000 bike Saturday.
Madison police said the bicyclist left his bike unattended while he went to the cash machine at the Jenifer Street Market, 2038 Jenifer St., shortly after 4 p.m. Saturday, and within the few minutes it took to use the ATM, the bike was gone.
"The owner said the bike would be useless to most riders," said police spokesman Joel DeSpain. "It has no brakes and is a fixed gear bike that doesn't coast but works like a big wheel, so if you want to slow down you pedal backwards or lock your knees."
Anyone with information about the theft can call 266-6014.


Needless to say I read this with great concern. The very notion that a person cannot leave his $8,000 fixed-gear bicycle alone and unlocked while he goes to withdraw cash from an ATM--right in the very backyard of the Great Trek Bicycle Making Company no less--sickens me. Chances are he needed the cash to purchase more components for his bicycle, which makes its theft all the more tragic. Fortunately, though, there was a happy ending:

Pricey bicycle returned to owner
By Patricia Simms
608-252-6492
psimms@madison.com
An $8,000 bicycle has been returned to its owner after being swiped Saturday near an ATM at the Jenifer Street Market.

Madison Police spokesman Joel DeSpain said Tuesday that the owner of the expensive and unique Trek bicycle parked it around 4 p.m. a few feet away from the ATM.

"In the couple of minutes it took the victim to use the machine, his $8,000 bike disappeared, " DeSpain said.

The bike has a carbon fiber frame, fork, handlebars, seat, wheels, and cranks, with but a few small pieces of aluminum parts. It has no brakes, and is a "fixed " gear -- it does not coast.

"If you want to slow down, you pedal backwards, or lock your knees, " he said. "The owner says it would be useless to most riders. "

Police believe the thief discovered that quickly, then ditched it near the Barrymore Theater after riding it a few blocks.

Someone attending a nearby block party spotted the bike and recognized its value. DeSpain said that person propped the bike up against a pole and watched to see if it was claimed.

When it wasn't, he took the bike to his house and called the police.

Meanwhile, the victim called the police self-report line and talked to an officer, who helped make the connection between the two calls.

DeSpain said the bike 's owner thinks its recovery is a "miracle."


I'm not sure "victim" is the right word here, since really the only thing the owner is a victim of is his own stupidity. "Miracle" is also a bit of an overstatement, though I suppose when you're that stupid just about everything seems miraculous. I'm sure he also marvels at things like toast and the wetness of water, and I suspect he also keeps operating instructions taped above his toilet so he can remember how to use it every morning. I'm also sure when he reported the theft he explained to the officer that he had been at the ATM machine, and that while he was pretty sure he was only there for a few minutes it might have been longer, since he was having a really hard time remembering his PIN number--which he finally remembered was tattooed to the inside of his lower lip.

Messenger Reality Show Pitches



Self-delusion is a part of the human condition, and one delusion we all share is that our workplace would make a great television show. And it seems like the good people at Cyclehawk couriers are, alas, only human. This trailer has it all: from the savvy old street warrior; to the dispatcher who waxes nostalgic while getting a haircut about the life of crime he left behind; to the young upstart whose helmetless riding, unkempt appearance, and general insouciance are sure to have the squares quaking in their pennyloafers. Will people ever stop romanticizing the act of riding around the city on bicycles and delivering packages for money? Well, it's 2008 AD (or 22 AQ--that's After Quicksilver, naturally) and they're still trying, so I don't think so.

Robert Mackey Buys His Way to the Top

After having spent approximately $75,000 by my count, Robert Mackey succeeded in finishing L'Etape, proving once again that money can indeed buy mediocrity. (He could have saved himself some money by simply having Chris Horner ride him to the top.) More interestingly, the winner in Mackey's age group was none other than Laurent "Aaron Eckhart in 'Nurse Betty'" Brochard.

In his heyday Brochard sported perhaps the most inspiring hair in professional sports, if only because his coif was in fact a poignant metaphor for the peloton itself--for as any racer can tell you, it's all "business in the front, party in the back" when it comes to riding in the bunch. It would seem that Brochard is now part of a twin-pronged assault on European amateur cycling events blissfully free from doping controls, consisting of himself and disgraced Lithuanian Raimondas Rumsas, who went on to become a Gran Fondo specialist after his wife was arrested with a suitcase of drugs in 2002. (Not to be confused with a "suitcase of courage," which of course is perfectly legal, or a "suitcase of sausage," which is just strange.)

And of course, like all truly driven individuals, Mackey is not stopping here. Having condensed an entire cycling career into a period of a few weeks, he's now retiring and moving on to Tour de France commentary. At this rate you can expect a full line of Mackey bikes to launch at Interbike in October.

These are simply a few morsels from the vast cheeseplate of items that was served up by the cycling world while I was gone, so I hope you'll bear with me as I get caught up in the coming days. Not only that, but I'm trying to follow the Tour as well. Following the Tour is easy when you're European and don't work, but for us Americans it's quite difficult. I suppose I could save time by fast-forwarding through the commercials, but frankly I'm afraid I'll miss something. Sure, many of the commercials seem random and completely at odds with the tastes and lifestyles of the Tour de France audience, but if you look deeply you'll find a connection. For example, I was puzzled at first by the frequent advertisements for Rhino truck bed liners. But I've since sprayed one of my bike frames with the stuff and I'm pleased to report it's holding up nicely. I'm convinced that Rhino truck bed liners are the top tube pad of the future.

88 comments:

wishiwasmerckx said...

The early bird gets the worm.

Anonymous said...

Podium!!!

Anonymous said...

Carlos Sastre!

Anonymous said...

giddyap cuatro.

Anonymous said...

A perfect example of the Madison, WI reality distortion shield. Leave your $8,000 bike unattended, get it stolen, get it back the same day. That happens to me all the time.

Anonymous said...

top ten even after reading post.

Anonymous said...

$8000? Must have been his ironic coffee bike.

SD said...

Best. Bastille. Day. Ever. Now I'm going to run down the street with a champagne bottle and two flutes. Later I will be storming the local jail. I'll try to follow Mackey's insightful commentary somewhere in there.

Anonymous said...

briefcase of sausage. mmmmmmm. sausage.

Anonymous said...

JOY!

Anonymous said...

If the Snobbish One has spoken, then so it must be: I'm looking into where to spray some Rhino liner on my ride!

Glad to see you back, Snobby!

abelgus said...

read every word and played all the links - still top ten!!!

abelgus said...

the messenger thing recycles the old trucker movies - breaker 19 etc. etc. how exciting and romantic to sit on your ass all day in traffic - the truck stop food so cool etc. etc. etc. outlaws, smokey, tatoos

Ka_Jun said...

RPCVs in the house!

Nic said...

yay. i can be productive at work again.

Anonymous said...

Good to have you back, write on brotha, write on.....

Strayhorn said...

I dropped by to say "welcome back" the the sight of Brochard's mullet has left me speechless.

ice cube said...

You're back! The Autozone ad is really something isn't it? The shame of riding a bike in rural america is just too much to bear. The open country lanes, the lack of traffic or pedestrians. I guess the kid was tired of riding to the next county for sub-standard crank and decided that driving to des moines would prove a more luctitive move.

ice cube said...

LUCRITIVE

fro said...

what manner of beasty is the pie plate demon? looks like a wombat(?) and perhaps a suitable replacment for cheese procurement. ricco should be busted by the time i fire up the pvr tonight so i'll be forced to watch the prime time edition for 'up to minute' reports on the shame. was fun to listen to phil and crew discuss triky. teehee.

Wutz said...

Snob, I hope you had a good vacation. While you were gone I had to scum around all over the underbelly of the internet tubes to hold my work production down to a consistent level. I didn't want my production rate to spike for a week and then drop back down like a cheerleader's undergarments after a rufie.

I even considered putting a pieplate and a SSMBL (seat-stay mounted brake lever) on my fixie so I can post it on the NYC Craigslist as a PistaDex-raising, once-in-a-lifetime $800 messenger bike with matching bag (with enough room for a sixer of PBR and hemp sandals for maximum hipster coolness points). I was going to forward it to you hoping it would rouse you from your post-free vacation.

Anonymous said...

I loved it when the bossman asked "Warrior" what kind of bike he rode, and tutored him on the finer points of riding in traffic. Cyclehawk = doomed to failure.

Commiecanuk said...

Rhino truck bed liners allow pickup truck drivers to have a pristine looking pickup bed, which says, "in yer face" to those hippie environmentalists: "I drive a pickup for the low MPG and to be obnoxious, not the utility, ...vote McCain".

While you were gone, we all learned what Manuel "Tricky" Beltran's trick was, ...it was EPO. This makes yet another *Lance buddy a doper. This is great news for by SMC business selling discount asterisks on the internet. Last month, I made $50,000 sitting on my ass.

AH said...

Let me get this straight: Mackey is watching the Tour live on Versus, and then blogging what he sees on the tube and hears from Liggett/Sherwin?

Brilliant. That's a business model bound to make millions.

leroy said...

Welcome Back!

Mr. Mackey did indeed complete his climb while you were away.

The accomplishment was somewaht eclipsed because that same weekend Joey Chestnut captured the Coney Island hot dog eating championship, downing 66 dogs in 12 minutes.

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/news/story?id=2925803

Unlike Mr. Mackey, Mr. Chestnut refrained from complaining about the nay sayers who thought his accomplishment diminished --in Mr. Mackey's case by the outlandish spending; in Mr. Chestnut's case by the fact that last year's winner was at a disadvantage, having recently had a wisdom tooth extracted.

I admit that I have enjoyed the kidding Mr. Mackey has endured.

But I am now ready to welcome him to the cycling community.

So Mr. Mackey, if you are reading this, I want to apologize for advising that Loire Valley foie gras is the secret chamois cream of savvy Tour veterans.

That was juvenile and wrong of me. I sincerely regret it.

I had no idea you would try that.

As I am sure you now know, the elite pros use gorgonzola.

AH said...

Oh yeah, the Spicer is a real steal! $1200+ for a frame you can buy new for $600
. So I guess the shitty parts and broke-ass Aerospokes are worth well over another $600...

ice cube said...

Aerospokes make great clocks.

Anonymous said...

The best comment from a Madison local on the newspaper's web site:

This egomaniac fixie hipster just got exactly what he wanted. He won the hipster lottery, the media has actually told the world how much he paid for his bicycle. He now, doesn't have to work it into every conversation with aspiring hipsters and general citizens. Trust me when I say this tool is utterly clueless to the fact that 99% of readers, like me, know he is a complete putz. If he does have a clue, he simply doesn't care, he only cares about impressing the other tools in his tiny tiny little hipster fixie world. I bet he has a link to this (and other) articles about this, on his My Space or facebook pages. That said, this is America, and we all have the right to ride ridiculously overpriced, and under equipped vehicles if we can afford it and want to. So I say to him " You go girl".


Also, I might be wrong, this guy could be alright, I doubt it, but maybe.

/quote

Just perfect

K-Ro said...

Ok, so while I think that whole 'You think you know me?' direction with the Cyclehawk video could use a bit of work, I definitely am feeling that vid and those guys much more than those kooks with the book thing from a week or so ago. Those Cyclehawk guys are the real deal and I kind of want them to make it work. Those guys with the book though? I can't wait till the just get tired of pedaling and go away.

Oh yeah - referring to the pack in a bike race as 'business in the front, party in the back' is absolutely perfect. So true and exactly why I'm in the back all the time...gotta eat? No prob. Gotta piss? No prob. Breathing embarrassingly hard? No prob. You just pedal along till a hill, then you get dropped and go home.

Liza said...

first off, what's your deal?

Anonymous said...

2008 AD
Actually, that would be AD 2008. I mean, if you’re going to cap on someone for saying ATM machine, you should know that Anno Domini precedes the date. Further, BCE and CE (“before common era” and “common era”), are the new standard.
Please make a note of it.

Anonymous said...

You don't know me! You don't know me!

After that trailer we know too much.

Explaining to the rookie in the pre-distressed messenger outfit how to ride in traffic was the best part. They should hire Mackey next.

Anonymous said...

2008 AD
Actually, that would be AD 2008. I mean, if you’re going to cap on someone for saying ATM machine, you should know that Anno Domini precedes the date. Further, BCE and CE (“before common era” and “common era”), are the new standard.
Please make a note of it.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 12:28pm,

Thanks--you make an excellent point. In my own defense, though, mistakes don't bother me like redundancy does. I don't care if someone says AM12:00, or 12:00AM. But if they say 12:00AM in the morning then I think they've gone too far.

--BSNYC

Jim said...

An $8,000 fixie sounds outrageous, but when you know how much he put into that Pista, it's totally reasonable. Plus he's willing to sell it for just $5,600, it's a wicked fast bike and he'll throw in the original saddle at that price too.

Cycle Ninja said...

Snob,

"In my own defense, though, mistakes don't bother me like redundancy does."

Couldn't agree more. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to work at the office.

dopepedaler said...

I actually paused my bowel movement in disbelief when I read the following line..."Following the Tour is easy when you're European and don't work, for us Americans it can be quite difficult".

I guess the days are pretty long when you consider writing a blog "work" much less work hard enough to take a vacation from.

analhawk productions said...

script notes:

"Yo, this drywall bucket, future toilet. I know how to sacrifice. One day we will be pissin' in gold drywall buckets. You think you know me?"

(convict music)

(quick cross dissolve to confessional)

(quick cut to spoke card spinnin')

"I'm tired of the way thay be treatin us..."

(faster indie type music)

"I'd much rather live in an all black town, honkies aint got no style."

Anonymous said...

I'm Back: Who cares?

frilly said...

Snobby, welcome back.

That Auto Zone commercial makes me feel really sad too. The car is an old, hole in the ozone, gas-guzzling piece. And, they end it with the kid buying some toxic waste pine air freshener cardboard thingie extolling the virtues of not having to ride his bike anymore. Actually, doesn't that make him a cyclist now?

And who is the genious at Versus who approved this commercial? Yeah, taking back the tour, baby.

howard cosell said...

LTDF is gay.

SD said...

My deal? Why, I'm glad you asked, Liza. I was born a poor black child. I grew up a victim of the eighties, riding BMX and widhing I could get cool spandex pants, like all the bands I liked. One day I discovered skateboarding, and harDCore. It was a whole new world. I spent my every waking moment getting hurt by falling off my ass, or having some skinhread take a cheapshot from the edge of the pit. Then I got a car and a grilfriend and a pack of smokes... Ah, they were good times. Eventually I would get fat and depressed, drop out of school and take up the glamorous world of dishwashing. Not in a glamourous Dishwasher Pete kind of way, but in a scraping together enough to keep up with all my substance abuse problems way. Slowly I crept out of the gutter, eventually finding meaningful employment and the love of a good woman. Along the way I figured out that riding a bike is not the same thing as racing, and decided sack up and race for real. Man did I suck. Pretty much nothing has changed since that day.

Commiecanuk said...

Frilly, Versus will approve gay chinchilla porn if the ad revenue is there.

frilly said...

Gay chinchilla porn...hmmm, now there's a fur I wouldn't wear even if I did wear fur.

btw-I'm not some hippie chick or anything. I wear leather and would not give up my down blanket for love or money. Sorry goose.

erik k said...

Our new friends first day at training camp

Calvin said...

Bravo! Good to have you back.

Although I do have something to say. Apparently Levi was allowed to ride! ... at least in my hometown. I snapped quite the photos of him racing among such cycling gods as the Rock Racing team. Heck, I even got sprayed with booze from the podium! How enjoyable!

Anonymous said...

eric k. i've been waiting all day. thanks. any ideas on the breed of this creature? our stalwart bane of the pie plate?

leroy said...

Erik K --

I smell marketing Bonanza!

Do you think that crtitter has representation?

Anonymous said...

now i think it's a marten

bikesgonewild said...

...welcome back, bsnyc/rtms...re: "did i miss anything ???...no, ya didn't miss a beat...

...that creature (nice hat, erik k, props) must be a plate-ypus in attack mode...

...& filly...have you got the new "let horner ride double" t-shirt...

...just askin'...

frilly said...

No, but if he comes to Tour of Missouri, I might ask him for a ride.

Anonymous said...

"Will people ever stop romanticizing the act of riding around the city on bicycles and delivering packages for money? Well, it's 2008 AD (or 22 AQ--that's After Quicksilver, naturally) and they're still trying, so I don't think so."

-That's funny because it's true!

That said, I agree with k-ro above. Although the video is a little silly, I'll cut the Cyclehawk guys a little more slack than I will those that produce dopey coffee table books about "fixed gear style" or whatever.

pinchfinger said...

Damn, Snob, its good to have you back. Nothing like a vacation to rejuvinate the sardonic sarcasm supply, and refill the bile. And what a great statement to make on your first day back; chock full of vitriol for the stupid among us. I love it.
By the way, tomorrow is a rest day in Le Tour, and Phil and Paul will have a highlights show that will bring you up to speed like superman with ants in his pants.

Jim said...

Slowly I crept out of the gutter, eventually finding meaningful employment and the love of a good woman

SD, you mean to tell me working as a dishwasher is meaningless? Well shit! There goes the last 20 years of my life... Maybe I'll have to get a job as a bike messenger in order to get some meaning in my life.

As for the woman thing... I've always preferred the love of a bad, bad woman. I highly recommend it, but would also recommend keeping a first aid kit handy. (In case of knife wound, gunshot, or your heart inadvertently gets ripped out, thrown on the ground and stomped on).

Anonymous said...

I have a sociological inquiry: did anyone notice a national trend of pie-plated, ttmbl'd, or otherwise obnoxious pistas flood the market in snob's absence? I can only imagine the hipsters out there seizing the opportunity to post their overpriced wares to craigslist without being mercilessly mocked.

When the cat's away the mice do try to sell cracked arrospokes for hundreds of dollars.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 3:43pm,

I agree with you about the Cyclehawk show. I'd probably make fun of it yet secretly watch it. Like people do with "Gossip Girl." (Or so I hear!)

--RTMS

Bed Cover Lover In Rhino said...

Snob, howdju get to be so anonymous? You're so anonymous, you even more anonymous than before, like when you left. C. You're tha most anonymous mofo that's evah lived. Welcome back you anonymous thang u.

frilly said...

Jim, there's nothing inadvertent about it when that happens.

Der Blaue Reiter said...

....what fixed trek on earth costs 8000? please tell me someone converted a madone....


Oh, and the cyclehawks made me throw up a bit in my mouth. Glad you picked up on that one.

GrammarsnobWSX said...

Anon 12:28

By convention, BC is suffixed and AD may be either suffixed or prefixed.

Pedantry is a noble calling, young Padawan; but first, the pedant must be right.

short hair said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
short hair said...

"Traditionally, English copied Latin usage by placing the abbreviation before the year number for AD, but after the year number for BC; for example: 64 BC, but AD 2008. However, placing the AD after the year number (as in 2008 AD) is now also common. The abbreviation is also widely used after the number of a century or millennium, as in 4th century AD or 2nd millennium AD. In these cases it should be read as, e.g., "in the 4th century of the AD scale"."

Thank You Wikipedia

Anonymous said...

It's too bad the Cycle Hawk is a terrible company. They promote the fact that they pay their riders a daily wage as an employee instead of being an independent contractor. This wage is absurdly low and the company charges a flat rate for packages even if they are going from the Battery to Harlem..shame on them

Sycophantic Backstabber said...

Before Common Era and Common Era is revisionist bullshit. Insulting to non-Christians in that it does not change the fact that the start is determined by the arrival of Jesus Christ Superstar.

Sycophantic Backstabber said...

That being said, thank you Mr. Snob for ''though I suppose when you're that stupid just about everything seems miraculous.''

Anonymous said...

I wish Chickenhawk the best. CMWC, NAMBLA, whatever.

Anonymous said...

Salutations Sir Bike Snob,
I must humbly submit that I do require your advice, Snob to snob. I am a Category 3 Elite road racing snob in Northern California, a District where we do have quite superior racing I might add.

This very evening I experienced a most distressing incident which I fear I may not have handled in the proper roadie snob manner. I was of course out for a recovery spin this evening. Of course? Yes, OF COURSE, it is after all a Monday, and everyone knows that racing cyclists partake in recovery rides on Mondays because their legs have been thoroughly shredded in noble and chivalrous racing action over the weekend. Everyone knows this it seems, except for the foul pack of knaves who hammered past me this evening on fixed gear bikes while regaled in full hipster attire. I was appalled. But of course I maintained my discipline and kept spinning at 120 watts for I have zone 5 hill intervals to complete tomorrow. Regretably, the road began to tilt upwards to a traffic light at the top of an approaching hill, and my superior power to weight ratio began to cause me to overtake the hipster fixie scum as they thrashed to and fro upon their overgeared machines while struggling to drag their overweight hairy-legged carcasses up the hill. Of course they had no chance of making it through the traffic light, and I cruised up to a stop beside them as the light turned red.

This is when IT happenned. The pack of hipsters looked over at me, and began to laugh. Laughing, at ME! Of course I knew better than to attempt to deliver a tongue lashing, for these peasants upon this road that I consider my Estate were beneath my station. I reverted to roadie dignity, and put my chin up with characteristic hateur and proceeded to pretend they did not exist. They soon quieted, finaly beginning to recognize the cycling nobility in their presence.

But after the fact, I question my behavior. I feel that perhaps these cycling proletariat should have received a stronger admonishment for their outlandish behavior. Should I perhaps have extended my arm towards them while turning my head away, presenting the backside of my hand for them to kneel down and kiss?

Anonymous said...

Nothing says 'counterculture' more than emulating people whose job it is to make sure corporations get their envelopes. What would be really cool if the posengers started replacing the wallet chain with a cord from a fax machine, because that is basically what a messenger is. Maybe that is why I heard one hipster call his bud 'Brother,' in homage to the fax machine company.
mb

mander said...

Hurrah! Glad to see you back and in top form RT.

Anonymous said...

That Kevin/Squid guy from Cyclehawk was on the "Ellen" show not too long ago (or so I hear...).

Anonymous said...

fun, stiff, AND fast?
j

(welcome back)

Johnny Sprocket said...

"I feel fine this morning — and the body’s ability to recover after cycling is really quite remarkable — but I’m not sure I’d feel so well if I had to go out and ride the course again today."
Rob Mackey after his ride up l'Etape.

Well you should Rob. In fact, you should ride the thing 21 days in a row and then tell us how you feel.... you idiot.

AnnaZed said...

Anonymous 11:36 PM, that wasn't even an "E" for effort, but nice try though!

Vive Le RTMS.

Bikelob 80220 said...

Damn, now that the Snob is back, I'm in the UK (business, not pleasure). I'm in the pub by the time he updates.

Obviousy the shark is being jumped if someone is putting together a lame reality show about messengers. Saturday Night Fever brought disco to Middle America and it is time to do the same to fixies.

I propose a remake of Saturday Night Fever only cntered around FGF, not Disco. Ashton Kutcher can star as Tony Manero, a young FGFer living at home in Brooklyn with his parents and grandmother. When he walks down the street with his paint can, he can admire some anodized NJS crap in the store window instead of the disco shirt. Potential lines: "Tony, can I wipe the sweat off your forehead?....I just love to watch you skid..." Stunts performed by Prolly and DART.

cyclehawk said...

Bike Snob NYC- Thanks for the kind words and links!

See You on the Street-

Squid

Anonymous said...

Dear Blog Author: Does it ever get itchy having all these sad little sycophants blowing smoke up your ass like this? You're treading water, comrade, with all this fish-in-a-barrel stuff. And so Mackey finishes the Etape, which I recall no one here said was even possible -- broom wagon in two hours, that kind of thing -- and you can dismiss it because he rode a nice bike and had a coach? Got it.

Anonymous said...

Did anyone notice the main Cyclehawk's baby's name? Gosh, I wonder which spelling he chose.

Anonymous said...

anon @1:38,

Welcome to the internet. If it weren't for folks like you, the trolls would have nothing to laugh at.

Anonymous said...

Sounds you were in a real spot of bother at the end of Stage 1.

Chad said...

So is the first photo from your vacation? You saw Hyraxes? Were you at Ein Gedi? OR somewhere in Africa?

Anonymous said...

i've already seen the rhino liner on fixed gears...

Tom said...

I enjoyed being an unemployed European watching the tour last year.

Now I'm an underemployed American, so in addition to being correspondingly underpaid, I can't watch it so much - I'm also subject to this crap that passes as 'commentary' on the American coverage.

New York Fast Facts said...

Really interesting read. I'm so looking forward to seeing the rest of it.

Anonymous said...

Welcome back BSNYC!

I laughed so much reading today's post that I realize my "laugh muscles" got out of shape while you were away.

Anonymous said...

BS-

Just curious, what do you think is a fair price to sell a 2005 bianchi pista, used, but all things considered in near perfect condition.

Anonymous said...

the gentleman whose bike was stolen in madison was in fact not a hipster at all, as hard as it is to believe. he works for trek in development and the stolen bike was a trek prototype, i believe. he generally has the most random, craziest bikes.

and yes i agree it was massively stupid not to lock that thing up if more than 3 inches away from it.

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