This Just In: I'm Giving Away A Bike!

I am an extremely selfish individual.  See, since 2007, I've been providing you with free content on this blog and elsewhere, only occasionally asking you cheapskates to, you know, buy a book or maybe some coffee.  And fine, there was that one time I asked you to donate to my radio show.  (This past Monday's show is available here, by the way.  For free.)

Wait, did I say selfish?  What I meant was extraordinarily fucking gracious.

Nevertheless, you're no doubt sitting there thinking, "Big deal.  What the hell have you done for me lately?  I want free stuff!"  And it's true, there was a time when I gave away free bikes, and free Knog lights at my book signings signings, and even free beer back when I could be bothered to throw together a (free) group ride.

Well, guess what?  For the first time in years, I'll be giving away a free bike again!  (Unless of course you count the fact that I gave away both the Univega and the Chain Reaction bike I rode at Eroica California this past spring--which, come to think of it, you totally should, you ungrateful schnorrers.  And let's also remember that I've donated not one but two of my bikes to the Classic Cycles bicycle museum.)

I'm not giving away just any bike, either.  I'm giving away yet another piece of cycling history, and here it is:

That's right, what you're looking at is my Jones SWB Plus Complete.  So why am I giving away one of the best bikes I've ever owned?  Because now that I've got the long wheelbase version I've decided I like it ever so slightly better, and as an apartment-dwelling urbanite it's kind of absurd for me to be hanging onto both bicycles.  So I let Jeff Jones know that I was ready to return it, though I also suggested giving it away in some sort of contest if he was open to that, and one of you people is very lucky because he graciously agreed.

So how will the contest work?  Well, here's an FAQ:

How will the contest work?

I have no idea yet, but I plan to come up with something.  I think it should go to someone who, unlike me, will use the bike to its fullest by putting bags on it and stuff.  Maybe I'll require an essay about the first ride you plan to do on it or something like that.  I'm open to suggestions.

Who will be eligible to enter?

I guess technically anybody, though I don't see myself shipping the bike internationally, and I'd love to not have to ship the bike at all, so I imagine you'll be at a considerable advantage if you live in or around New York City or you're willing to come get the bike.

Will the contest be fair?

No, see above.

What's the size and condition of the bike?

This is the medium-sized Jones SWB Plus Complete.  I have ridden it quite a bit so it could no doubt use some attention, and it's probably getting close to new chain and tires time, but it's completely rideable as is.  I keep my pedals, bottle cage, and saddle.  (I'll reinstall the stock saddle.)  It does not come with the Jones handlebar purse, either.  

When will you formally announce the rules of the contest?

Maybe tomorrow, or else after my vacation.  Don't go sending me any essays yet.  I don't even know if I'm going to go that route anyway.  I could just as easily make everybody race up an area Strava segment and determine the winner that way. 

Can I request a different color?

NO!  You're actually getting my bike, don't you understand that?  You don't get to make any choices.  Anyway, it only comes in black.  The LWB comes in black or red.  If you want a red bike and you hate getting stuff for free then buy yourself a LWB in either smooth or knobby tire configuration.

So there it is!  Stay tuned for details!  And feel free to offer your input and suggestions in the comments, bearing in mind of course that I'll feel free to disregard it if so inclined!

BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz!

Hello!

Firstly, looks like things are going great down in New South Wales, Astralia:

Sign 'o the times. @DuncsOffice latest rider #safety messaging @TransportforNSW @JakeSaulwick #metrematters #RMS pic.twitter.com/Bs5cya9Zos

— BIKESydney (@BIKESydney) March 17, 2016

I'm assuming they'll also fine you $500 for leaving the bike lane to avoid the sign.

Secondly...really?

I mean sure, the Knog bell is nifty and all, but what is so ugly and annoying about a regular bike bell?  It's round and goes "ding."  It's classic, perhaps even iconic.  Yet the writer of this article seems to think it's a grave injustice that has plagued humanity since the late 19th century:

THE BRITISH INVENTOR John Richard Dedicoat designed the bike bell in the late 19th century. His vision—a simple rounded piece of metal with a small lever the rider flicks to produce a tinny “ding”—has endured for more than a century. Despite its basic form and, frankly, irritating sound, Dedicoat’s design has become the de-facto bike bell for old beaters and sleek road bikes alike.

Wow.  Never have I encountered such disdain for something so round and innocuous:

Most bells look like, well, a bell. Or a small hamburger. Or maybe a mushroom. However you describe them, they’ve always been the sort of thing that looked at home on a beach cruiser and nothing else. Knog wanted to challenge the iconic shape and improve upon its feeble ring. The designers started by looking at how instruments like the glockenspiel and xylophone create sound. “We realized when we started cutting up bits of metal and pipes you could hit one of them and it would make a beautiful sound, then you would clamp it to the handlebars and it would make a dull thwap,” he says.

Yeah, maybe some bells look like a hamburger because they're supposed to and they're meant for children's bikes:

Anyway, her gross generalizations about bells are, frankly, appalling.  Novelty bells aside, there are all sorts of delightfully sonorous Fred chimes to choose from:

And that's not even including the artisanal one I installed not too long ago:

So I can only conclude that the writer of the above article was the victim of some childhood trauma wherein a bunch of neighborhood kids surrounded her on their bikes and rang their hamburger bells jeeringly at her.

And while she has my sympathy, that's no reason to go impugning the innocent bicycle bell.

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the question, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right that's great, and if you're wrong you'll see a HILARIOUS prank.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and never mind the bellocks.


--Wildcat Rock Machine

0) Why must Max take a different route than his riding buddies?

--His headtube is one (1) degree too steep to negotiate the trail safely
--When asked #whatpressureyourunning he gave an unsatisfactory answer
--His coach said he's not allowed to get his heart rate up today
--They told him he can't ride with them until he grows a beard

1) The Omata is a cockpit-mounted analog gauge that tells you exactly #whatpressureyourunning at all times.

--True
--False

2) Which is not a selling point of the Bird of Prey?

--"Aerodynamic. The world's fastest bicycle for racing and triathlons"
--"Safety. Never go over the handlebars"
--"Great for cyclocross!"
--"Comfort. No more lower back pain or discomfort, no pressure on the prostate"

3) Miss your Caribbean vacation?  The H-Zontal prone recumbent recreates the sensation of snorkeling on dry land.

--True
--False

4) A Johns Hopkins University study revealed that large sprockets are:

--More efficient
--Less efficient
--Equally efficient
--Great for making sparks while cornering

(Hydrodynamic Lube extrraction)

5) The "fastest chain in the world" uses:

--Speed Film Lubrication

--NanoTube Chain Optimisation
--Hydrodynamic Lube
--All of the above

6) The slowest chain in the world uses:

--NanoCorrision
--Fe2O3 Chain Debilitation
--Binding Link Action For Enhanced Stiffness
--All of the above

***Special Fat Bike-Themed Bonus Video!***

Doesn't mention what pressure he's running.

BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz!

First of all, I'd just like to thank you all for making my new book--which isn't even out yet--the #1 BESTSELLER...in bike repair:

(I told everyone I know, but I mumbled the "in bike repair" part.)

This is even more impressive when you consider the book's not even really about bike repair.

Anyway, if you still haven't pre-ordered or you missed yesterday's post and didn't realize I had a new book coming then here's everything you need to know.

Moving on, are you into light metal?

No, I'm not talking about the musical styling of bands like Stryper:

(Their look could give you a seizure, but their music just put you to sleep.)

I'm talking about a revolutionary new high-performance bicycle made from a space-aged material called "aluminum:"


Pretty sure Manaia opened for Queensrÿche on the "Grätüitöüs Umläüts" tour in 1988:

Anyway, the Manaia is "redesigned:"

By which I assume they mean they put cheesy tribal tattoo graphics at crucial stress points:

(That's called a "douche gusset")

It's also a dream...

Made for...

Gigantic Freds:

With visors:

Best of all, it's even strain gauge tested:

Which means they hooked the rider up to a Scranulator 2000 and measured the g-force on his perineum:

So there you go.

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right that's great, and if you're wrong you'll hear an angry Australian*.

*(Warning: contains a naughty word beginning with "F" so don't get the wrong answer at work.)

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and avoid any bicycle that hasn't been strain gauge tested.


--Wildcat Rock Machine

("It's like a rocket ship!")

1) In addition to Trump Steaks, Trump Vodka, and Trump Shuttle, there was also a short-lived company called Trump Bikes.

--True
--False

2) Why is this cyclist covering his mouth?

--He's just become one of the first cyclists to get hit with New South Wales's $319 no-helmet fine
--He is vomiting
--The officer has just insulted his bow tie and he is aghast
--He's swallowing his stash

3) Which is not punishable by fine in New South Wales, Australia?

--"ride bicycle furiously"
--"not sit astride bicycle rider's seat"
--"ride bicycle in incorrect position"
--"ride recumbent style bicycle without beard"

4) What is Vancouver's solution to using helmets with bike share?

--A free helmet giveaway on the day the system opens
--A kiosk that dispenses inflatable helmets
--A basket containing a helmet with a disposable liner
--A 50% increase in fines

("The tape dispenser"?)

5) Knog's new bell is called the:

--"Oi"
--"Oy"
--"Goy"
--"Da fukout da way"

6) What is the purpose of this canister?

--It contains biodiesel
--It contains compressed air
--It contains craft beer
--It contains patchouli

7) A mountain biker on a London-bound train offended his fellow passengers by:

--Taking up too many seats
--Using obscene language while making a "vlog" about his ride with his phone
--Running inappropriate tire pressure for the trail conditions
--Wanking and farting

***Special Historical Bonus Video!***

Amphetamine is a hell of a drug.

You can't spell "salmon" without sal, mon.

Morning in New York City.  The wind carried the faint scent of impending spring along with its usual halitosis.  I gazed across the rivulet of diarrhea that separates Manhattan island from the mainland, its untreated fecal matter being vigorously churned by collegiate Water Freds:

See?  Water Freds:

Crossing the lift bridge and alighting upon Manhattan I followed a bus festooned with Vision Zero propaganda:

That's Spanish for "Bus drivers should be allowed to run over small children without fear of arrest:"

Then I broke down the Brompton and defected to the Alpha train:

I passed the rest of the day as though in a dream:


It's depressing to consider that if they were making "Pee-wee's Big Adventure" today the studio probably wouldn't release it unless he was wearing a helmet:

Helmetless cycling is right up there with smoking when it comes to stuff you're not supposed to show people doing anymore.

Incidentally, by far the most common bike-related dream I have is that the bike race is about to start and I'm rushing to put on my bib shorts but I can't because I'm caught in the Lycra like it's a spider web or some sort of super-sticky goo:

(Okaaay...)

If you've ever tried to put on your cycling attire while you're still wet from a shower then you are familiar with this frustrating sensation.  In fact I'm surprised nobody's ever held a contest to see who can get "kitted up" while wet the fastest.  They could do it right after the trackstanding event and right before the Brompton fold-off.

Anyway, in the evening I more or less reversed my commute.  It was the usual fair-weather shitshow.  You know, drivers blocking the protected bike lane even though there's parking available five feet over:

And food delivery professionals salmoning at high speed:

("Whoosh!")

And idiots just hanging out in the bike lane with the car door open while they mash their stubby fingers against their fucking smartphones:

I like to imagine that, thanks to smartphones, the morons of the world are interconnected by a worldwide spoodge glob of stupidity just like the one ensnaring He-Man up there.

Speaking of food delivery professionals, while I'm mostly against salmoning (I did invent the term, after all), I tend to cut the food delivery people some slack.  The truth is these people work hard, and there is a way to salmon without being obtrusive about it.  So as long as they're not getting in anybody else's way I'm fine with it.

However, yesterday evening, one particular food delivery person took his salmoning too far.  In fact he was coming right at me in the bike lane.  For a moment I considered swerving out of his path.  After all, I was on the diminutive Brompton, and he was on some sort of pizza delivery tank complete with a front rack aimed right at my clown bike's steering stalk:

But then I decided "No!  I will stand my ground!  No salmon shall oust me from the bike lane that is rightfully mine!"

And so I looked right at him unwaveringly, and even my ridiculous bicycle could not undermine the magnitude of my determination.  At the very last moment the salmon swerved, and as I turned to watch him I noted with glee that he was forced to plant both feet on the street in order to regain his balance.

That's right, I'd very nearly felled him through sheer force of will.

Yes, for all the bike lanes and other cutesy amenities you've still got to ride furiously in New York City if you want to survive--though in New South Wales, Australia riding furiously will cost you $425:

I'm proud to report that between my fury and my lack of a helmet yesterday's ride would have cost me nearly one thousand of your Australian dollars, or "koala foreskins" as they're colloquially known.

By the way, it appears you can also incur a $106 fine for riding a bicycle "in incorrect position."  To this end, police in New South Wales have been trained in the latest bike-fitting technique, and if your position is not set up for maximum efficiency and power transfer then you will be charged accordingly.

(Saddle up ass--good)

Meanwhile, yesterday a commenter mentioned Vancouver's planned bike share program, and here's the burning question:

Yes.

Yes it will.

Nevertheless, instead of doing something sensible like getting rid of the stupid law, they've come up with some ridiculous disposable liner system that works like those ass gaskets you find in public restrooms:

As another major feature of the smart bikes, each bike will be equipped with a basket that holds a helmet, replacing the previous plan to store reusable helmets inside vending machines at each bike share

The company’s smart technology and helmet-in-basket design significantly reduces capital and operational costs given the system’s ability to allow for smaller bike stations and the elimination of any need for costly helmet vending machines and return receptacles, as previously proposed by Motivate.

Instead, each bike will be equipped with a basket that holds a helmet that will contain liners for people who will want to use it for hygiene purposes. The helmets, purposely designed by Bell Helmets for Vancouver’s bike share system, will be free for bike share users and maintenance crews will service the helmets on a daily basis.

Pathetic.  These idiotic helmet workarounds just go to show how these laws serve no real purpose and are basically religious/superstitious in nature, no different from a ritualistic diet or refraining from performing arbitrary tasks on the the Sabbath--though I suppose "helmet service technician" does look good on your resume.

(By the way, when I was in Vancouver I didn't even realize they had a helmet law, and I did manage to ride for over seven minutes without being tackled by an officer of the law.)

In other bicycle safety news, Knog now has a Kickstarter for its interpretation of the bicycle bell:



It's called the "Oi:"

Which should not be confused with the "Oy:"

You saw that one coming.

If nothing else, we've clearly entered into a golden age of bicycle bell design, and I've still got that fancy Spurcycle bell on my bike:

Sure, everybody ignores it, but the delightful chime makes me feel better about the fact that they won't let me pass.

I also ring it whenever I encounter antisemitism:

Oy.

Lastly, via a reader named Tim, here's a real beauty from the Portland Craigslist:

I'm assuming those are slingshots, which are a lot more effective than a bell when it comes to alerting people to your presence.