Thursday, August 15, 2019

This Just In: I'm Giving Away A Bike!

I am an extremely selfish individual.  See, since 2007, I've been providing you with free content on this blog and elsewhere, only occasionally asking you cheapskates to, you know, buy a book or maybe some coffee.  And fine, there was that one time I asked you to donate to my radio show.  (This past Monday's show is available here, by the way.  For free.)

Wait, did I say selfish?  What I meant was extraordinarily fucking gracious.

Nevertheless, you're no doubt sitting there thinking, "Big deal.  What the hell have you done for me lately?  I want free stuff!"  And it's true, there was a time when I gave away free bikes, and free Knog lights at my book signings signings, and even free beer back when I could be bothered to throw together a (free) group ride.

Well, guess what?  For the first time in years, I'll be giving away a free bike again!  (Unless of course you count the fact that I gave away both the Univega and the Chain Reaction bike I rode at Eroica California this past spring--which, come to think of it, you totally should, you ungrateful schnorrers.  And let's also remember that I've donated not one but two of my bikes to the Classic Cycles bicycle museum.)

I'm not giving away just any bike, either.  I'm giving away yet another piece of cycling history, and here it is:

That's right, what you're looking at is my Jones SWB Plus Complete.  So why am I giving away one of the best bikes I've ever owned?  Because now that I've got the long wheelbase version I've decided I like it ever so slightly better, and as an apartment-dwelling urbanite it's kind of absurd for me to be hanging onto both bicycles.  So I let Jeff Jones know that I was ready to return it, though I also suggested giving it away in some sort of contest if he was open to that, and one of you people is very lucky because he graciously agreed.

So how will the contest work?  Well, here's an FAQ:

How will the contest work?

I have no idea yet, but I plan to come up with something.  I think it should go to someone who, unlike me, will use the bike to its fullest by putting bags on it and stuff.  Maybe I'll require an essay about the first ride you plan to do on it or something like that.  I'm open to suggestions.

Who will be eligible to enter?

I guess technically anybody, though I don't see myself shipping the bike internationally, and I'd love to not have to ship the bike at all, so I imagine you'll be at a considerable advantage if you live in or around New York City or you're willing to come get the bike.

Will the contest be fair?

No, see above.

What's the size and condition of the bike?

This is the medium-sized Jones SWB Plus Complete.  I have ridden it quite a bit so it could no doubt use some attention, and it's probably getting close to new chain and tires time, but it's completely rideable as is.  I keep my pedals, bottle cage, and saddle.  (I'll reinstall the stock saddle.)  It does not come with the Jones handlebar purse, either.  

When will you formally announce the rules of the contest?

Maybe tomorrow, or else after my vacation.  Don't go sending me any essays yet.  I don't even know if I'm going to go that route anyway.  I could just as easily make everybody race up an area Strava segment and determine the winner that way. 

Can I request a different color?

NO!  You're actually getting my bike, don't you understand that?  You don't get to make any choices.  Anyway, it only comes in black.  The LWB comes in black or red.  If you want a red bike and you hate getting stuff for free then buy yourself a LWB in either smooth or knobby tire configuration.

So there it is!  Stay tuned for details!  And feel free to offer your input and suggestions in the comments, bearing in mind of course that I'll feel free to disregard it if so inclined!


hellbelly said...

Podium! I will shred the gnar out of an essay for that sweet rig!

HDEB said...

Very cool of you (and Jones) to be doing this! Unfortunately for me, a medium is too big for my short self. It'd be fun if you set up some sort of course and the rider who manuvered it the best (or worst!) got the bike. Keep pedaling all : )

Billy said...

I suggest giving it to the person that can do the longest wheelie on a Haro BMX bike.

Pist Off said...

Oh ferLobssake
I no shit was just looking at the SWB on the webhole.
I can add considerable shipping/handling remuneration and help with logistics.
Wouldn’t yer wild boar like a nice Colorado life? I swear a lot, and will knock its big testes on rocks now and again, so it will still get some NYC feels. Love, Pist

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished said...

Predicting near endless complaining about this something-for-nothing deal.

Dooth said...

An essay? Yes, teach. How about something that’s more in your purview: INTERPRETIVE DANCE. I’ll send you a video of my favorite Martha Graham moves.

pbateman has never been sharp with math and such said...

I'd suggest some calculation that takes into consideration the readers:

-loyalty to this here blog as evidenced by their comments timeline
-wit divided by uselessness of those comments (both on a 1-100 scale)
-the sizeway of their inseam
-distance from the end of your garden hose that the reader resides
-number of podiums they've gotten over the years

so for instance, my calculation estimate would be:

11 or so years + (3/100)+ 33 + about 900 miles maybe + like 2 or 3 podiums over the years... so my score is 944.33 or so.

actually, maybe deduct the mileage since thats not an i'm actually like a 44.33.

no wait...i'm -855.67

not sure if thats real good but just seems like a super easy and scientific approach.

Sid Vicious said said...

I'm jonesing for that Jones!

Anonymous said...

You are indeed awesome. OK, it does suck being called a schnorrer and to not live in NYC (actually, that does not suck; I live in an awesome place). Also, it sucks that I am undeserving of the Jones because the quality of my tender loving maintenance should cause any bike to sue for divorce (I can put a creak in any creak-less bike extant). But, yes, you are awesome. Have a great vacation.

Matt said...

I was thinking of maybe just picking some random number of commenter, lets just pick one out the air and say Four...

Matt said...

Just kidding....maybe you could have everybody who is interested (and btw, I would be willing to pay shipping being as I'm not local) give you their names, and you put yellow stickys with each persons name on the rear tire sidewall, put the bike upside down and spin the rear wheel like a roulette wheel, and the one that lines up with the chain-stay tube wins...or something equally wild like know...let the bike pick it's winner.

druc4 said...

A preemptive "thanks for nothing!"

Pleb said...

Just give it to me. Contests just cause too much work and we all know you're a lazy...:) Also, I'm a non-professional writer AND avid cyclist myself, which means I don't get paid for it and your benovolent donation would certainly encourage me to write an essay about the fact that you're the Sankt Martin of cycling. Of course, you probably don't exactly know what this means as, well, you are from Kkona land and above that the saint Martin of Tours belongs to the catholic marketing...Anyway, you get what I mean.

Phildefer said...

Can I get it in blue?

cyclejerk said...

I knew there would be a test. No fair.

Beck the biker said...

The only question I have at present - where do I send the entry 'fee'?

Grump said...

I demand a refund!!!!!!!!!!!

anonymous said...

I've already got too damned many bikes. More bikes than I'd use in two lifetimes, and each one a keeper. If I ever did win something nice, I'd donate it to a bike co-op, or even better to some group that helps returning veterans.

Anonymous said...

Surely there’s some deserving kid in NYC whose life would be dramatically altered by having a bike that cool. Do the right thing!

ktache said...

Kudos to you Tan.
Anon at 1:17 has a great idea, someone truly deserving would be good.
Not us Freds.

Fergie said...

Hmmmm... Is this one of those new "safety" bicycles they just came out with 140 years ago? I've been meaning to check out the latest technology...


mikeweb said...

Alas, the medium size-way would leave me with my feet dragging as that wild boar tore through the woods.

But you ever take it off any sweet jumps?

STG said...

I live in Brooklyn - will arrive by bicycle and strap the beast onto my back. Gonna throw on a slammed 130mm stem, flat bars and turn it into an old school XC bike and race the crap out of it.

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Steve Barner said...

@Pbateman, your logic is flawed, as the clear winner under your rules would be Leroy's dog, and that snarky little mutt doesn't ride.

I'm thrilled that the Jones is a medium, as Lob knows I don't need another bike.

1904 Cadardi said...

First thought: I want, I want, I need, I NEED!
Second thought: I rarely ride either of the mountain bikes I have now, why do I need another bike that doesn't get ridden.
Third thought: This should go to someone that will appreciate it.

So everybody relax, just like Froome*, I'm not entering this year so the field is wide open.

*Just like Froome without the skill, talent, drive, likely hood of winning or multiple broken bones.

Thinking out loud here said...

Yeah, I agree - give it to a deserving kid in NYC area and see it change her life.
I agree - we freds have way too many steeds as it is.

BDC said...

I'll trade you a BMX for it.

Charles said...

Sheesh. One bike in size medium in one color. If I could give this store less than one star I would.


Will you paint it red if I win?
If not, no essay......

wle said...

i'm already a winner!

i don't want OR need one of those jones things..

double winner!!

wait - triple - i don't have to write an essay..!


leroy said...

Dear Mr. BSNYC -

My dog reminds me that he is a pure bred Brooklyn Schnorrer and therefore a fitting recipient of a free bike, especially if you throw in water bottles and a couple of caps.

He has one of those fancy voice to text apps and just started dictating what he assures me will be the winning essay.

I stopped listening after "Dear Penthouse, you'll never believe what happened to me...."

Have a good vacation.

Dear Mr. Barner @10:42 AM - My dog asked me to inform you that he does, in fact, ride.

People have asked me how he rides and I have explained he wheel sucks on flats and attacks on hills.

He can deny it all he wants, but it's true.

Anonymous said...

I also agree with Anon at 1:17. Not to put too much pressure on you, you could really make a difference for a kid in need.

josh said...

Bike Snob, you clearly need help. You should reach out to the Fat Cyclist (aka Elden aka Fatty). That guy knows how to give away a bike! And maybe you could get him to come out of (blogging) retirement for another contest.

One thing I'm sure Fatty would suggest: Choose a worthwhile charity and have contest entrants donate to it (and provide evidence of donating).

John said...

Please allow the unwanted beast to retire to San Diego where he can ride social justice dirt, climb medium sized hills with the wind always behind and enjoy lovely sunsets at the beach. Such a unqiue beast would also attract loving pats from the beach going crowd - much like an old dog.

N/A said...

Do you ever see a young person enthusiastically riding a rattletrap mountainish bike in approximately the same sizeway? Offer to trade, then give their old bike to somebody that has none.

Or ghost ride that shit into a river.

Anonymous said...

if you made a venn diagram of people who are good at wheelies and people who would ride a Jones, the two circles would be in different area codes. with the exception of Jeff, but he's not like normal people.

Korina said...

I like the Strava race idea, as long as the third from last rider wins the bike. Too tall for me, so no skin in this game. Okay, I'm on the wrong side of the continent too.

Unknown said...

That's a groovy thing to do.(being all 1969ish woodstockyish). Kudos to Mr. Jones for not ordering that bike back.
I,too, am of too short of stature to enjoy the conveyance(?)of said famous,rig.
Good luck to the victor or victors.

bad boy of the south said...

I'm diggin'the donation/swap angle.
Very cool.

Gary Noll said...

Bike Snob,

You are clearly a GREAT human being. The type one could only be lucky enough to meet once in a lifetime. Of course I'm not saying this because you are giving away a free bike.

Seattle lone wolf said...

If I win I will use the SWB to take a cycling tour of Cornwall.

dancesonpedals said...

Free beer? That pre fondont cost me my derailleur!

Lee said...

Just have the 'winner' pay for shipping right? Or my sister can come pick it up. She's local.

NYCHighwheeler said...

if you made a venn diagram of people who are good at wheelies and people who would ride a Jones, the two circles would be in different area codes. with the exception of Jeff, but he's not like normal people."
It depends what you mean by "good at wheelies". Back in the day(TM - BikeSnob), if you could wheelie the block, you were considered good at wheelies. If you could turn the corner at the end of the block, shift gears, dodge pedestrians, hold up your pointer finger(Ichiban!), etc., you were considered amazing. Then 2015 rolled around, and you could do all those things, and someone would then say, "oh, you can wheelie, now show me what you got..."
I blame RRDBlocks! Now this is what good at wheelies looks like:
The crazy thing is, there are dozens of young kids doing most of those same tricks as the video, and it's spreading all over the country and the world.

I used to be good at wheelies, then they changed what good was. Now what I am isn't good, and what is good seems weird and scary to me. I will happen to you!

TLDR - I'll wheelie that Jones!

Chicagoschwinn said...

Ooh...would love this ride! Have been looking at this for quite some time and medium is my size :) will be looking for more info on how to enter the Jones sweepstakes ��

leroy said...

My dog has an update.

huskerdont said...

So this is what happens when I go on vacation. Meh, wake me when you give away the Titanium bike.*

*not really meh, that's pretty cool, and don't wake me. I'm still recovering from vacation.

I really had to work hard to prove I wasn't a robot this time.

Alex said...

Give it to someone that will come by train to pick it up and ride home on the bike. Preferably a ridiculously slow train, like the one from Montreal.

Anonymous said...

Please give it to me. I wouldn't ride it much and I would never go bikepacking.
Also, before you send it to me, please paint in a nice royal blue and reduce the size down to a small. That shouldn't be too much trouble for you.

leroy said...

My dog informs me I feature prominently in his current forecast and report.

Anonymous said...

How about a scavenger hunt?

Anonymous said...

My advice would be to leave the pump at home. Go with CO2.

Paul said...

I can't remember the year off the top of my head, but you were doing your shop visit/group ride/book reading thing for Enlightened Cyclist, so there is that. You were in Chicago and we'd all just cruised up from Hyde Park to Albany Park and during your Q&A I raised my hand and mentioned that having seen with you in person and ridden with you a bit, and noting that we were of similar height and proportion (read: dead average), so did you ever wish that the wheels of your really lovely and new Black Cat 29er were just a bit smaller? Perhaps of the newly re-emerging 27.5 size?

Your answer: 'That's the stupidest question I've ever heard.' Fair enough.

Penultimately, though, I was proven right. Your very public proclamations of love for this SWB testify to this. Vindication is mine!

Ultimately, of course, the last word is yours. You could close the book on 584mm hoops for once and for all and ship her to me. I've got a sweet front rack and several frame bags to put on her with no chance whatsoever of going bikepacking. I've since moved to New Orleans, probably the only city worse than Chicago for mountain biking, so I'd use her to navigate the bottomless sinkholes they call potholes here and the brackish swamps they label as trails. And you can sleep the deep sleep of the just, enjoyed only by honest judges and newborn babes, secure in the knowledge that you set this damn fool straight.

leroy said...

My dog has more thoughts, apparently.

heavyweather said...

Howdy! I'll definitely apply. I'm in Bushwick, and my wife just had her bike smashed up real nice in a traffic collision (a hit and run no less -- thankfully she is somehow unscathed) on Varick, and she's already positively chomping at the bit to get back in the saddle (hmm, I think that metaphor may be a bit mixed). Let us know the procedure!

bad boy of the south said...

Where are the snob's antiquey two-wheeled contraptions on display at the museum? (What museum?)

leroy said...

My dog claims to have rebooted his acting career when he was discovered by a film director in a coffee shop on our AM commute.

His last gig doing Shakespeare in the Park ended poorly. In his defense, Gielgud, Richardson, and Olivier could also be distracted by squirrels.

wild on the express said...

Ill come down on the train and bike it back. Pick up only.

LongevityMassage said...

I'm in. Pick up is good.

N/A said...

Hey Paul, show us your sweet front rack.

mikeweb said...

After seeing leroy's dogs Bike Forecast dispatches on Twitter in Snob's absence, the powers that be at WBAI have announced that the Monday 10:00 a.m. timeslot will be given over to a talking dog. Show name T.B.A.

Paul Heckbert said...

Steven Vaccaro was great on your WBAI radio show today. I liked the way he cut off rude Tomasina from Bergen County (seriously). Vaccaro left me feeling more pessimistic about the police. Are cops elsewhere in the US equally bad (focused on ticket quotas over public safety)?

Hobie said...

I live Hastings On Hudson and could pick it up:) My friend who lives in Dobbs just bought a LWB Jones. It would be a sight to see a LWB Jones and a SWB Jones trucking along the Putnum. I'd would love to take it for a spin at Gramham Hills. Glad your liking the Jones. All the best.

tubasti said...

I need the SWB in Large.

Hobie said...

If I won the contest I'd start a club called. "Keepin Up W. The Jones's" My friend in Dobbs,you and I exploring the Hudson region on our JJ's. Then over to Rockland once the bike lane is finished Tappanzee. My initials are the same as J.J. I should win. :)