Monday, December 1, 2014

I've Already Given All My Thanks So From Here On In It's Only Entitlement



(More or less.)

So how 'bout that American Thanksgiving, huh?  I mean, wow!  Hopefully you had a delicious meal, though odds are you skipped the cranberry sauce, which is universally regarded as the lamest of all the traditional Thanksgiving foodstuffs.  In fact, this is why there's now a huge cranberry surplus down here in Canada's Giblets, forcing the government to buy them all up and force-feed them to the poor.

If bicycles don't destroy this country then those tart fucking "berries" most certainly will.

Thanks, Obama.

Speaking of surplus crap, while I was off giving thanks "Bicycling" magazine has published two--that's two!--columns I typed all by myself.  First, there's this one, about how riding indoors is stupid


Of course, anyone who reads "Bicycling" probably also rides indoors, so "Bicycling" were probably offended at my implication that their readers are stupid, which must be why they punished me with that awful flop-and-chop cockpit photo.

I mean really, it looks like something Bret would ride:


(Bret.)



And which elicited comments like this:

Jonathan Warren • 2 days ago
i hate everything in this article. why? why the hell would you want to ruin the GRAND tours? It is not the little tours or the baby tours they are the grand tours for a reason. if riders want to compete in all three do it. I am nor have I ever been a pro cyclist so i don't know the challenges in that but hey I know if i was what i would be doing. This actually being a thought really hurts my heart. I really do not mean that to sound funny either.

Oy.  "I hate everything in this article.  Why?  Because I am a 'Bicyling' subscriber who takes everything seriously!"  Not all the comments were negative though:

Simon Mulligan • 5 days ago
Brilliant idea, guys a frickin genius. Now that you've fixed cycling can you turn your attention to Ironman triathlons? Seriously, we need help. Getting a bit dull. Thanks Snob.

A-motherfucking-men!  I am a "frickin genius."  And yes, here's my idea on how to fix Ironman triathlons:

1) Ban triathlons forever;
2) Gather up every triathlon bike on the planet and put them in a gigantic rocket;
3) Fire that rocket directly into the Sun.

Done, and done.

Boy, it's hard having all the answers.  No wonder "God" is so spiteful and vengeful.  It's like dealing with children.

Anyway, in addition to riding my bicycle and solving all the cycling world's problems over the Thanksgiving break, I also engaged in seasonally-appropriate activities that did not involve bicycles.  For example, every year around the holidays the retrogrouches at the MTA break out the old-timey subway trains, so yesterday my human child and I hopped on for a ride:


Few things get kids more excited than trains, and few things get the local Train Freds more excited than rolling obsolescence:


It's sort of the transit equivalent of a "Tweed Ride," complete with commuters in period dress:


(I'm referring to the woman in the purple hat and not the guy in the orange safety vest.)

My human child was absolutely delighted for the four (4) minutes before he fell soundly asleep on the comfy wicker seat.  Also, if nothing else, it's important to expose yourself to train dorks once in awhile because they make even the most socially inept bike dork seem normal in comparison.  Most of all though, it's fun to step briefly into the past and take a break from our dystopian present in which cyclists are forced to wear luminescent arm bands which track their movements:


See?


Only a matter of time before we're all wearing "Smart Hats:"


Which, it should surprise you not at all to learn, was invented by a complete fucking moron:


“I know people are willing to spend 10-15K on a bicycle. What’s the value of safety, or saving yourself from trauma to your head?

“I don’t think it will weigh too much either. Our heads and necks are designed to take quite a load anyway. We’ve got eight kilograms of weight in bone and brain already.

"It’s not going to be a major problem, but if it is, some of it can be put in other areas of the bicycle. And there’s not much weight in there anyway. There’s batteries, there’s an iPhone, and a display. It’s something you don’t really know until it’s been prototyped."

Presumably he came up with that brain weight measurement by weighing his own head, but he failed to take into account that the contents of his skull are mostly Vegemite and kangaroo feces.

Also, he doesn't even ride a bike:

King admits that he doesn’t actually ride a bike himself – he “honestly prefers vehicles”. However, he says that people like him might be persuade to cycle if it were safer. He believes his design would help in this regard.

Yeah, sure, that makes sense.  The only thing keeping the masses off bicycles is the current inability to transform your own head into a minivan.

Putz.



Dr Mahesh Chandra Rout, who operated on the women, said, "Cycle pumps are routinely used in many other parts of the state in the absence of costly medical equipment. There is no reason to make a big fuss about it as it has been proved fairly safe, and an affordable alternative." He claimed he had performed 60,000 sterilization surgeries so far and had received awards from chief minister Naveen Patnaik in 2012 and 2013 for conducting the highest number of such operations in a year.

I'll bet you fifteen (15) of your Australian Dollars that Smart Hat douche orders a bunch of stuff from Cell Bikes and goes into the medical supply business.

90 comments:

eric? said...

first?

Anonymous said...

pud-i-zum

Anonymous said...

first podia (um)?

Anonymous said...

Was getting worried ... this is only just Monday over here snob.

Anonymous said...

Crescent fresh.

JB said...

Buy your Cyber Monday Woo-Hoo Caps here!

Suspenders on my Dungarees said...

Uh, yup!

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...thanks for nuthin

ken e. said...

welcome back frosty!

rural 14 said...

rural 14!
top 10!
finally!

"i don't ride a bike"
painful

P. Bateman said...

welcome back snobberdingalingdong.

Anonymous said...

so close

Spokey said...

top ahhhh

Spokey said...

whaaaa?

cranberries here in the hemorrhoids haven't gotten any cheaper. And quality stinks. had to toss lots of rotting ones this year. thought about buying an extra bag to make up for it.

P. Bateman said...

by the way, the gal with the arm band has some nice legs.

just admit it, that is why you were photographing her.

Freddy Murcks said...

Regarding the stock photo in the Bicycling article, I am guessing that Snob wouldn't be caught dead on a bike with cow horns.

Anonymous said...

Welcome back.
Bicycling Magazine won't let me read indoor article. Will keep trying.

3G said...

I've been using my bicycle pump as a "medical device" for years too.

Jerry Garcia said...

”…every year around the holidays the retrogrouches at the MTA break out the old-timey subway trains…”

Ha, San Fran has NYC beat again. Not only do we have antique cable cars for taking money from the tourist, we have a score of vintage/retro street cars taking us regular people around our city every day, see here
and here

Blog Drafter said...

OMG! I'm a bike dork and a train dork. Hopeless. My grandfather worked for the old D.S.S.&A. I grew up around Soo Line trains. Schiza!

A co-worker posted this morning that he has a 1964 Sears Spaceliner for sale, mint, original. Think I should bite?

Anonymous said...

Presta or Shrader?

Bryan said...

Heeey! Welcome back. Yes, the indoor article link is broken, but I found it by clicking around their website. I wanted to read through everything posted before I commented. That girl with the armband, who was looking at the armband? Her legs went on for miles.
No turkey for me this year. Was enjoying a 6 course meal in Paris and a lot of wine, no family drama, and champagne at lunch. Oh, and a trip on their Velib bike share bikes.

Spokey said...

so snobbie is taking his human child on the train.

i take that to mean that the other 16 are not human? as snobbie is the father then is he also not human. and therefore not the father of the human child he takes on trains?

why the preference for some other species than your own snobbie?

Tech Support said...

Fixed link to “Bike Snob’s Winter Survival Guide”

No need to thank me.

babble on said...

The other 16 must all be mini snobbergrouches...

Blog Drafter - Lol! It's hopeless. Better just give up now.

Um, and yes. Armband girl does have great wheels.

Welcome back, Snobi Wan. You were missed. :)

Anonymous said...

Thanks Bryan and Tech Support. Found article.

Anonymous said...

The young lady on the bike with the reflective device is nice, but have you looked up over her helment to check out the Calvin Klein ad?

Anonymous said...

This feels like a good day for a "Nice tits, everyone!"

My compliments on the upskirt photo, wouldn't have noticed the armband without the green arrow highlight.

TECH SUPPORT said...

”Thanks Bryan and Tech Support.
ARRGGG!!!! WHY CAN’T PEOPLE FOLLOW DIRECTIONS??? I SAID NO NEED TO THANK ME!!!! THIS MAKES ME SO MAD!!!!! NOW I’M GOING SPEND THE REST OF THE DAY REPLACING PEOPLE’S NON-BACK-UP FILES WITH ENDLESS LINES OF !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

McFly said...

Johnaton Warren needs a smart healmeant for his hurt heart.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I bet cranberries could be fermented into some kind of tasty hooch.

Anonymous said...

I'm from down under and agree that the smart hat is about as stupid as it gets, and could only have been designed by someone who doesn't ride. Besides wannabe Mad Maxes, the biggest concern for Aussie riders is the sun and the heat. If you wore e.g. a skate board helmet, you are likely to get a nasty heat stroke and fall off your bike long before Max gets you. Now Mr. Smart Helment wants everyone to ride around with big plastic box on your head.

As for the "weight of your head is 8kg" thats all fine and good, because your neck is used to that weight. What happens when you add significantly more weight, and put it higher up on your head? Ta-da! More strain than neck muscles and bones can handle.

The only upside is you will get a neck like Wolverine. Maybe thats how the Aussie actor got there....

Hans und Franz's lawyers said...

Dr. Rout, we'd like a word.

Anonymous said...

"Our heads and necks are designed to take quite a load anyway."

Preach on, my brother.

Joe K. said...

I just got off of the road yesterday after visiting family in NC and TN. All told I dragged my human children from NJ through DE, MD, DC, VA, NC, TN, GA, AL, MS, AR, KY, WV, and PA in a Chrysler-type Mini-ish Van over the course of 9 days.

We made stops at aquariums, air and space museums, science places, car museums and the like.

It was a very full 9 days.

After 9-days of family and Thanksgivinging, I would have considered indoor bike ride cycling, but even then I did not because, well, it's stupid and does little good for you that a treadmill, or a run can't.

Anonymous said...

vsk said ...

Nice Red Boots.


vsk

Anonymous said...

"It's important to expose yourself to train freds..."

No wonder your interactions with them seemed awkward.

Flyover BC said...

The weather here is waaay tooo nice to think about the hamster cage.

Spent the weekend looking at the sand dunes where they made the movie "Dune" and wishing I had taken the bike with me over the river and through the dunes to grandma's house for thanksgiving weekend.

McFly said...

I thought the Awful Flop-n-Chop was street slang for anyone over the age of 30 that had their circum sized.

crosspalms said...

Welcome back Snob. 21 degrees here, but I rode today to celebrate Cabbie Asshole Day and was not disappointed. There was the one stopped at a red light who gunned it through the red to pick up a fare, missing me and narrowly missing 2 cars that were turning on the green. Then there was the one that made a left from the wrong lane through a red (while cyclists in the protected bike lane alongside had the green). And the back half of the commute is still ahead.

JLRB, I read the LA Times story you linked to yesterday. The guy who said "if you want to murder somebody, just hit them with your car" was definitely channeling Snob. Scary stuff. And the 2 sidebars at the bottom of the story: where's the 3rd sidebar that tells drivers how not to hit cyclists?

train dork said...

i hate everything in this article. why? why the hell would you want to ruin trainspotting? It is not the old trains or the tired trains they are the antique trains for a reason. if trainspotters want to dork out do it. I am nor have I ever been a pro trainspotter so i don't know the challenges in that but hey I know if i was what i would be doing. This actually being a thought really hurts my heart. I really do not mean that to sound funny either.

Anonymous said...

I wish to call your attention to what I believe is a linguistically offensive use of the term "flop-and-chop".

There's a problem with both the "flop" and "chop" components of the term.

Firstly, "flop" does not accurately describe the act of rotating drop handlebars 180 degrees on their lateral axis. Fish dangling in mid air on the end of a fishing line "flop". "Flop" does not adequately describe the precise, almost delicate act of rotating the bars.

As for "chop"... well, heads are chopped off. Trees are chopped down. "Chop" is a brutish, unsophisticated word referring to brutish, unsophisticated acts. Finesse and refinement are required to properly cut the handlebars in the correct manner.

But I'm not a fuddy-duddy. I can appreciate the bouncy jollity of "flop-and-chop" and wouldn't wish to make people's lives bleaker by removing a joyous term from the lexicon. Therefore, I propose substituting the aforementioned term with: "flip-and-snip".

I think it can be agreed "flip-and-snip" more accurately describes the procedure in question and with a public education campaign and transition period, would become the preeminent term.

Finally, I find those flop-and-chop bars rather fetching.

ken e. said...

really?

dnk said...

Agree with anon at 4:10

bAd capture said...

Flip and snip fro life!

Pubic outrage!

Ant Icks said...

Ooh boy, I love Pedant Corner! I vote for flip and hack.

Olle Nilsson said...

I figure the reference to his human child implies the other 16 are cats.

I know what you're all thinking now: "That would explain a lot"

Spokey said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Spokey said...

yes it would

he often refers to his cat 6 riding. I posit that he himself is a cat. also explains the excess progeny. The question is where are the biological parents of the poor waif he absconded with?

i think the only remaining question is: is snobbie litter box trained?

Anonymous said...

I agree, also RIP Steve Hed. Great guy.

Anonymous said...

And he DOES refer to himself as Wildcat Rock Machine, to the constant cat references and excess progeny are plausible.

Anonymous said...

Would you believe "so the constant"

dop said...

DOGP ENIS

Anonymous said...

I had not considered sterilizing myself with my bicycle pump. I was just waiting for my crabon frame to disintegrate and impale my lumbering testicles into antispermoidial clots of emptiness.

And the man who is griping about people not liking his smart helmet needs a firm damn whipping.

Welcome back, world's-most-successful-bike blogger. And Oh, I quit reading the Bicycling magazine when they named New York the top cycling city. Sorry.

Anonymous said...

"...ordered a probe on saturday"
pfffft.

Anonymous said...

That is, after they'd dispensed with the bike pump.

Anonymous said...

Geddit?

Anonymous said...

Arm band girl has some nice boots too.

bad boy of the south,temporarily said...

welcome back...one and all.currently away from my home base....so.

Lionel said...

Hello

JLRB said...

Flip and snip sounds like a male sterilization procedure - does it involve a floor pump?

Snob - Today's post left me with a warm feeling. At first I thought it was just the comfort of a relatively positive minded, well written Snob post-holiday edition. Then I thought I peed myself. But then I realized it was the warmth brought by the knowledge that the mailbox sized helemnt/license plate rack is just a moron's pipedream - not even a prototype - no idea what it would weigh - just find a smarting phone and jam it in a helment - there is hope for the human race .

JLRB said...

ps - I enjoyed the Beikcycling winter cleaning peice, and the trifling comments abut leaving the chain on the beik for cleaning. They are who we thought they are.

Anonymous said...

Back in olden times we knew a girl that upon request would pay a visit in nothing but a trenchcoat and boots.

We called her.....Trenchcoat...we were not a creative lot collectively.

But she was.....individually or collectively. If you catch my drift.

ce said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ce said...

Do not associate life giving Vegemite with the mind of a mad man. This is not some lesser cranberry based concoction you speak of.

Michael said...

That silly bloody smart hat has to be the worst design for anything ever. Check out: the lack of foam anywhere except on top (where you don't hit), the lcd display on the inside of the helmet (not a head up display so it's like reading something on the brim of your cap), forward facing proximity sensors (I have eyes for that), etag (those only work on freeways), headlight next to the camera and finally that jaw crash bar which seems designed to snap and take your eye out or else catch on something and break your neck. The number plate is massive though and that was the whole point of his design.
I cannot wait for the smart scalpel from Toby King.
http://road.cc/sites/default/files/imagecache/galleria_900_nocrop/images/Smart%20Hat/SmartHat%20-%20exploded.jpg
http://road.cc/sites/default/files/imagecache/galleria_900_nocrop/images/Smart%20Hat/SmartHat%20-%20head%20up%20display.jpg

Christopher Boone said...

’… the gal with the arm band has some nice legs.”

Photo 8 shows a person (male or female) with a luminescent arm band and at least one nice leg. To speculate she is a “gal” or she has “nice legs” is going beyond the evidence facts.

JLRB said...

Just watched a stupid fat guy in a car (judgey, I know) decide to do a fast u turn on a rain slicked road - slid off the road into a tree. He is fine. He shouldn't be. Cars are too protective of stupidity. I blame Ralph Nader, interfering with the natural selection process.

Spokey said...

used to love u turns on slick surfaces. couldn't wait for the first snowfall and a empty parking lot.

Of course all that changed with fwd. bastards ruined all the fun. shouldn't sold the 'Z'. Shoulda kept it just for the snow fun.

and i am a fat guy, but it wasn't me.

Olle Nilsson said...

JLRB, can't remember who said we'd all be a lot safer if we had a spike sticking out of the steering wheel instead of an airbag, but yeah, exactly.

Anonymous said...

Congrats on the 69 podium

CB, Pleaze don't kill the fantasy. It's all I have left.

Spokey said...

I think by definition, a fantasy is going beyond the evidence facts

Anonymous said...

Beautiful Godzilla spotting! That's not a tracking device on her arm, it's a charm to ward off Mothra!

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Lola Ken said...

I am hear to give testimony of how I got back my husband, we got married for more than 2 years and we have two kids. thing were going well with us and we are always happy. until one day my husband started to behave in a way I could not understand, I was very confused by the way he treat me and the kids. later that month he did not come again and he called me that he want a divorce, I asked him what have I done wrong to deserve this from him, all he was saying that he want a divorce and that he hates me and do not want to see me again in his life, I was mad and also frustrated do not know what to do, I was sick for more than 2 weeks because of the divorce. I love him so much he was everything to me without him my life is incomplete. I told my sister and she told me to contact a spell caster, I never believe in all this spell casting of a thing. I just want to try if something will come out of it. I contacted Dr. Azuka, at (dr.azukasolutionhome@gmail.com) for the return of my husband to me, they told me that my husband have been taken by another woman that she cast a spell on him that is why he hates me and also want us to divorce. then they told me that they have to cast a spell on him that will make him return to me and the kids, they cast the spell and after 3 days my husband called me and he told me that I should forgive him, he started to apologize on phone and said that he still love me that he did not know what happen to him that he left me. it was the spell that the Dr. Azuka, casted out on him that made him come back to me, today me and my family are now happy again today. thank you Dr. Azuka, for what you have done for me I would have been nothing today if not for your great help. I want you my friends who are passing through this kind of love problem of getting back their husband, wife , or ex boyfriend and girlfriend to contact (dr.azukasolutionhome@gmail.com) or Whats App him on +2348132777335 and you will see that your problem will be solved

Glory said...

Hello, I'm here to introduce someone to you all, his name is Dr.Ekpen Temple a spell caster that help me restored my broken relationship, I saw an article on the Internet someone talking about him how he help her in her relationship, today I'm a beneficial of that article, so that is why I'm also talking about how he has helped me so that someone out there that is facing the same challenge can also contact him for help. Here is DR EKPEN TEMPLE contact info: ekpentemple@gmail.com or on Whatsapp number +2347050270218.

Unknown said...




Hi,i wonder why people still don't believe that roots and herbs are very essential and fruitful in different aspect,especially when you can't conceive and bear children. I am a living witness because i tried all i could to be pregnant but all to no avail,until i contacted Dr Natasha ,who gave me some roots and herbs and told me how to use it. I missed my menstrual flow within a short period of taking it,and the doctor confirmed that i am pregnant. I am very glad to tell the world that i am a mother of a bouncing baby boy,contact her now dont say because she is a lady she canthelp you no she can really help you contact her now for your own testimony Via : pregnancyherbs@gmail.com pregnancyherbs@gmail.com

Anonymous said...


I was hurt and heart broken when a very big problem occurred in my marriage seven months ago, between me and my husband . so terrible that he took

the case to court for a divorce. he said that he never wanted to stay with me again,and that he didn't love me anymore.So he packed out of the house and

made me and my children passed through severe pain. I tried all my possible means to get him back,after much begging,but all to no avail.and he

confirmed it that he has made his decision,and he never wanted to see me again. So on one evening,as i was coming back from work,i met an old friend of

mine who asked of my husband .So i explained every thing to him,so he told me that the only way i can get my husband back,is to visit a spell

caster,because it has really worked for him too.So i never believed in spell,but i had no other choice,than to follow his advice. Then he gave me the Email

address of the spell caster whom he visited. So the next morning,i sent a mail to the address he gave to me,and the spell caster assured me that i will get

my husband back the next day. What an amazing statement!! I never believed,so he spoke with me, and told me everything that i need to do. Then the

next morning, So surprisingly, my husband who didn't call me for the past 7 months, gave me a call to inform me that he was coming back. So Amazing!!

So that was how he came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and he apologized for his mistake,and for the pain he caused me and our children.

Then from that day,our relationship was now stronger than how it were before,by the help of Dr. gbojie. So, i will advice you out there if you have any

problem contact him, i give you 100% guarantee that he will help you.. Email him at: gbojiespiritualtemple@gmail.com,or call +2349057916767 Thank you

sooooo much!!!

karen said...

I GIVE ALL THANKS TO DR WILLIAMS WITH HIS HERBAL PORTION I WAS COMPLETELY CURED FROM FIBROID
I can’t believe this. A great testimony that i must share to all fibroid patient in the world. i never believed that their could be any complete cure for fibroid with out going for surgery ,i saw people’s testimony on blog sites and Facebook page of how Dr Williams prepare herbal cure for different king of disease,and with the help of his herb they where able to shrink there fibroid naturally. i had to try it too and you can,t believe that in just few weeks i started using it all my pains stop gradually . Right now i want to tell you all that i just give birth to a baby boy last month,and on thin now i have not had any pain, and i have just went for text last week and the doctor confirmed that there is no trace of any fibroid in my system . Glory be to God for leading me to this great Dr Williams I am so happy as i am sharing this testimony. My advice to you all who thinks that their is no herbal cure for fibroid that is Not true ,just contact him and get cure from his email drwilliams098765@gmail.com and you will be free and free forever, Try it and you will not regret it because it truly works. i hope to see your testimony soon.