Monday, January 31, 2011

Ubiquity: Wherever you Ride, There You Are

Webster's dictionary defines "ubiquitous" as follows:

ubiq·ui·tous adj \yü-ˈbi-kwə-təs\ : being all over the freaking place : like, everywhere : an especially pungent form of hummus [a ubiquitous outbreak of herpes]

And when it comes to ubiquity, nobody embodies this quality like the time-traveling t-shirt-wearing retro-Fred from the planet Tridork, who a number of readers in the UK have informed me has finally scored his first magazine cover:

They say once you've done a Digital Photography Enthusiast cover stardom is all but assured, so from here on in all he has to do is keep his flavor-saver down, hold on tight to those clip-on aeorobars, and let the offers roll in. I predict that he'll be on every billboard in America (or, if you prefer, Canada's flavor-saver) in a "fortnight," which Webster's defines as follows:

fort·night noun \ˈfȯrt-ˌnīt\: a pretentious two weeks : a night you spend in a fort [in a fortnight the time-traveling t-shirt-wearing retro-Fred from the planet Tridork will be ubiquitous in Canada's flavor-saver]

By the way, if you'd like to know what that issue of Digital Photography Enthusiast looks like in its natural newsstand setting, here it is courtesy of one reader, complete with a pair of disembodied hands:

Presumably as I type this, thousands of digital photography enthusiasts are enjoying a similar view as they peruse it on the toilet. And as for the question of whether the person who took the above photo is himself a digital photography enthusiast, it all depends on what he was thinking as he shot it. If he thought to himself, "Hey, I'm really enjoying this!" then I guess that would make him an enthusiast, but if he thought, "I can't wait to get this over with and check out that issue of Sky and Telescope" then that puts him squarely in the digital photography indifferentist camp. As for Sky and Telescope, I'm pretty sure what to expect for the cover of next month's issue:

Incidentally, Sky and Telescope is a magazine so nerdy it makes Bicycling look like Vice, and the typical subscriber probably spends hours a day watching the skies for evidence of life on other planets, having long ago abandoned the far more elusive search for a date.

Speaking of fruitless searches, as you're no doubt aware there is considerable unrest in Egypt right now, and as the story continues to unfold I've become increasingly concerned about the well-being of those fixed-gear riders who went there to look for the pyramids:

(Where are the pyramids? I must inflate them with my floor pump!)

Granted, at least one of them is wearing a truly "epic" helmet, but I fear that may not be enough to protect him. Indeed, in these turbulent times, whenever I read about trouble in any far-flung corner of the globe (insasmuch as globes can have corners, which is not at all), my mind immediately goes to the fixie crew that is undoubtedly trapped there. This is because, in the past few years, undertaking poorly-planned "epic" fixed-gear journeys to remote destinations and filming them has become the fixed-gear equivalent of a trip to Sandals, and there is scarcely a country left where one of these ill-conceived theme vacations is not underway. Once upon a time, the sun never set on the British Empire--now it never sets on some hipster with a track bike, a giant messenger bag, and a video camera. So ubiquitious is the phenomenon that the State Department even issues fixed-gear travel advisories now:

Fixed-gear filmmakers are like missionaries, spreading the Gospel of Self-Importance to exotic peoples with far more pressing concerns. Skid-patch calculation will surely be remembered as the navel-gazing of the 21st century.

This is not to say that you should refrain from taking cycling vacations--just make sure the place you're going is safe, and also think carefully about your equipment selection. For example, when traveling long distances, you might want to leave the bike designed for riding around and around in tiny circles at home and opt for something that can accommodate racks. Speaking of racks (and disembodied hands, as I was earlier) another reader has forwarded me the following:

Which includes not a disembodied hand, but rather the very tip of a disembodied digit:

My best guess is that they're fingertips, but without further evidence I won't rule out the possibility that the person (or simian) holding the rack has prehensile feet.

Meanwhile, you may recall that not too long ago I was generally whining and griping about how I wanted to leave New York. This is no doubt due at least in part to seasonal affective disorder, since right now the area looks like this and we've got so much snow that the rats have started wearing penguin costumes. Meanwhile, yet another reader is taunting me about life in the cycling paradise that is Portland, and informs me that not only is there no snow, or ice, or police obstructing the bike lanes, but that there are also riders who have what appear to be prehensile butt-cracks:

I'm not sure what she's actually "portaging" in there, but I did fire up the Gary Klein telescope and it appears to be a paperback book:

I don't know why she wouldn't just carry the book in her fanny pack instead, though it's also entirely possible she realized that the moon was visible over the horizon of her pants and she stuck the book in there out of modesty. Either way, you certainly don't need a rack when you've got that kind of posterior dexterity.

Lastly, I should remind you that registration is now open for the Five Boro Bike Tour. If you want to know what this ride is like, just imagine the streets of New York choked with over 30,000 people who look pretty much exactly like the time-traveling t-shirt-wearing retro-Fred from the planet Tridork and you've got a pretty good idea. In any case, I was reminded that registration was open when I received this promotional brochure via the actual mail:


Which featured a bicycle equipped with a rather perplexing drivetrain:

I wonder of the bicycle crackdown will still be in effect when the Five Boro Bike Tour gets underway. Hopefully it is, since I think handing out over 30,000 tickets in a single day might finally get it out of the city's system once and for all. I also wonder if they gave out any tickets to the participants in this past weekend's "Idiotarod," which I'm sure involved plenty of light-running:

It's just like a Portland cyclocross race, only without the bikes.

115 comments:

Astroluc said...

ass book

1st?

SLAM said...

I am everywhere but here now

Joe Wilson said...

You lie!

Anonymous said...

Meh.

Anonymous said...

top ten!

Anonymous said...

Yawn !

Desert Rider said...

CRAK DOWN

Anonymous said...

yeay

Anonymous said...

Panties!

Anonymous said...

top tennish

Anonymous said...

All kidding aside, the Five Boro Bike Tour is a guaranteed horrifying display of several senior citizens eating asphalt. I'm not kidding. The year I took part there was actual unfunny crashes all day long involving elderly people on hybrids, usually from tires rubbing together. It was like watching a youtube edit of all the deaths from Matlock in a montage set to Randy Newman music.

Anonymous said...

You can't judge a tramp stamp by its cover.

Stranded said...

I wonder if retro-Fred is like the guy on the Taster's Choice instant coffee label, who years ago noticed the company was using his image without paying for it, sued the Taster's Choice people, and won. Will the real Fred please stand up? Do you know you've achieved something like ironic cult status, at least among bicycle bloggers? Are you okay with that? Are you getting paid for it?

ken e. said...

Puppets! RUN!!!

Desert Rider said...

I noticed the rainbows on the sleeves of the pyramid hunter...is he still the World Champion?

Indy Falconheads said...

Thanks for the laugh Snob.

It's a great way to start the day.

Stranded said...

As an erstwhile not-only-subscriber-but-contributor-to-Sky and Telescope, I have to say S&T readers are in fact not quite as dorky or inbred as we bike nuts are. Cyclists are just in better shape, since we burn off the calories. In contrast, standing in a dark spot (none of which can be found in the City, by the way), staring up at the night sky and shivering, burns only slightly more calories than watching the Tour on TV.

mikeweb said...

forfeited podium spot to read it first.

4 hours to get to Greenpoint from Bushwick?? Wouldn't it only take about an hour to WALK that far?

Way to go Astroluc!

thegock said...

BUTT CRAK

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Harry Tuttle said...

Can't wait to smell that book at the library / used book store.

BUTT BOOK

We're all in this together, kid

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

No comment.

mikeweb said...

Just think, when butt crack book lady finishes it and then sells her books to a used book shop, some lucky person will buy it and then wonder what that mysterious smell is.

Anonymous said...

Without adequate braze-ons, fixters must sometimes resort to the ubiquitous butt-rack for portaging various items. This activity can sometimes add additional levels of meaning to the ubiquitous phrase: 'she's got a nice rack.'

hillbilly said...

that book promises to be a best smelller.

Anonymous said...

From Cyclocross magazine..any truth?

Cops have begun ticketing cyclists that ride through red lights in Central Park, NY. It does not matter whether a single person is around. To get around it, a few resourcefull individuals are doing a CX dismount, running through the red light, and jumping back on. From what I hear, it seems to be working!
Source: Cyclocross Discussion on CXM:
Published: 2011-01-31 14:57:40 GMT

Anonymous said...

"underway"

Two words, unless it's US English for keckway, which would be descriptive of underwear.....

hey nonny mouse.

Tucker said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Cacao!

Lloyd Flandis said...

-EBAY SALE-

One Soul*.



*English Thread

crosspalms said...

Fred tells the magazine why he prefers Tri-X for black-and-white shots, but can't make up his mind between Kodachrome and Fujichrome for color.

Terre Haute Karl said...

Seems kinda ironic that a magazine called Digital Photography Enthusiast would have to resort to a stock photo for their cover. Although I suppose it's not any more ironic than Bicycling magazine using the same stock photo.

Penis Hunter said...

Snob, congratulations--you've captured the first ever photo of the tips of not one but two prehensile penises! Better shoot that photo off to the editors of Sky and Telescope at once!!

mikeweb said...

I actually own one of those racks.

The one with the disembodied fingers/ prehensile penises, not the one with the book in it.

Eric Lowe said...

Woof, the crack of dawn isn't safe from her ceremony.

The pants publication

CRAP said...

BALLS!!!!

Marcel Da Chump said...

Re: that Portland chic,
Baby's got paperback.

Nice, feel-good start to the week.

Anonymous said...

Sky and Telescope - cycling blog- interview with Gary Klein.........spooky.......

Anonymous said...

The book is titled - "A Tail of Two Cheeks"

Nogocyclist said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nogocyclist said...

Crosspalms, it's now official, you have joined the ranks of the "Ol' Fogeys."

Kodachrome processing is no longer available For Kodachrome Fans, Road Ends at Photo Lab in Kansas

They still process negative film, but I imagine even that will go the way of the 8 track pretty soon, too.

Grump said...

If you like snow, you should fly into Chicago tonight. Our great forecasters predict 2 feet with 60 mph winds tomorrow. (Imagine New York City from the movie "The Day After Tomorrow") These wise men predict "Possible snow drifts from 5 to 10 feet"

PS The day they have the "Five Boro Bike Tour" sounds like a good day to be out of town.

Nogocyclist said...

My direct link to the New York times does not work for me. You can search for Kodachrome and the search link takes you right to it, but the address the search returns will not work for some reason.

Guess there is some kind of hole in the Internet.

Paperedcrack Writer said...

I've heard of papering over cracks before, but not like that.

Minimalist Boy Scout said...

Meritless Badges

Anonymous said...

Almost a week now and STILL no mention of steak or fingerbangin'...which proves only one thing.....BSNY IS Contador.

Anonymous said...

From the Meh Moments in Stock Photography Overuse department:
Ubiquity, thy name is Everywhere Girl. The t-shirted time traveling/trialing retro-Fred from Hell is still a ways off the back. EG gets extra points because the shoot that mehd her famehs was in Portland.

CommieCanuck said...

All you haters suck my milk bags in a fortnight.

AYHSMMBF

CommieCanuck said...

They still process negative film, but I imagine even that will go the way of the 8 track pretty soon, too.

That's ok, I had all my negatives scanned to Betamax and backed up on laser disc, so one day I can view on my iPad.

Martin Erzinger said...

Dennis Leary on New York

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6zHpoHFAPjY&feature=player_embedded#

Leave new york now, while you still have your soul

shu-sin said...

are the NYPD giving tickets to cart-pushers as well? from the idotarod: http://gothamist.com/2011/01/30/photos_the_2011_idiotarod_race.php?gallery0Pic=13#gallery

or perhaps he's ticketing him for his 'undies'???

Og LoneWolf said...

Time to break out the Ski Goggles Snoby!!

FTW

mikeweb said...

@ shu-sin,

I think the policeman is writing down his number so they can hang out later that night.

Anonymous said...

You're comments about the 5 boro ride are so true. And I saw some 911 worthy crashes last year. There was more carnage than a death race movie. I think I'll skip it this year and just flog myself a few times instead. I know what fun is. It's not fun.

cycle

bikesgonewild said...

...portland 'crack' girl's problem could be solved with a placard ironically reading "as seen on ***bsnyc/rtms***"...

PhilboydStunge said...

As Clyde Crashcup used to explain while entering the Wayback Machine ... "That's UBIQ as in ubiq and UITOUS as in uitous, UBIQUITOUS."

crosspalms said...

bgw,
I think this is the first product placement for BSNY's new book club. With Oprah having moved on, the field is wide open and the Snob's crack research team came up with this guerrilla marketing campaign.

Anonymous said...

That book is Leslie Marmon Silko's Ceremony, by the way.

Concerned 2.0 said...

Great post today. Went for a nice ride early this morning in Vancouver; it was nice and sunny. Have fun tonight when we shit some more snow down on you!

bikesgonewild said...

...crosspalma...

...i read you, loud & clear...

Alexey said...

Mr. Biker Snob,

Apparently according to NYTimes.com - the police are educating the riders on how to ride bicycles and are also NOT giving tickets, but instead send them on their way (at least in 88th Precinct patrol area) full of guilt but ticket-free. Perhaps you should move to 88th Precinct patrolled area. Here is the low-down: http://fort-greene.thelocal.nytimes.com/2011/01/20/bicycle-riders-coming-under-scrutiny/?scp=1&sq=bicycle&st=cse

mackeroonie said...

In Canada it is flavour-saver.

bikesgonewild said...

...whoops !!!...sorry crosspalms (but then again, 'crosspalma' has a certain cachet to it)...

...when i say "i read you...loud & clear", i guess i move my lips when i read...

Anonymous said...

What does RTMS stand for?

Anonymous said...

i.e., on this blog

crosspalms said...

bgw,
ciao, amico, e grazie per il mio nuove nome, "crosspalma." E bellissima!

More bellissima than my Italian, I'm sure...

Quicksquirt McHurt said...

And no gratuitous Liz Hatch reference? I'm proud of everyone here.

Salty and Sore said...

@ Anon 3:44,45-

Study up and report back to us.

grog said...

Would it still be funny if the crack book was your book?

MBW said...

Well said, Terre Haute Karl.

Anonymous said...

did you see Tilford's great shots from CX worlds?

Rupert said...

This should be an entry in itself, but in Steamboat Springs, Colorado we encountered an individual who was riding his bike (fixie I assume) accross the country BACKWARDS. Oddly enough, his mission was to promote the legalization of (medical?) marijuana. Also interesting, he had, if I recall correctly, a history of mental health issues. All of which comes together pretty nicely, I think.

Anonymous said...

@ S&S @ 4:15:
I'm nonplussed. Thanks.

xyxax said...

Salty,

I thought it meant:
"read the manual, stupid."

Anonymous said...

I'm starting to assume that all the retro-Fred sightings are the result of fans of this sucky blog. Esp when it appears in an actual bike-related setting.

Down-tube shifters? How old are they?

cognito said...

Always the anonymous with the "sucky blog".
There's a porn star with a good sucky blog.

Anonymous said...

posterior dexterity

bikesgonewild said...

...crosspalms...biciclettes-andato-selvatico has a nice ring to it also but, damn, if it isn't a mouthful...

...now, i must attend to my campagnolo...

...ciao, amico...

Anonymous said...

Nogocyclist...
The kodakrome adress works for me

Anonymous said...

Anonymous here...
By "sucky blog" I mean the one I read every day, refreshing my browser every few minutes waiting for it like a Fred waiting for the next Dura-Ace update.

And, if you're going to reference "sucky" porn, at least give us a link.

I Go Around and Around said...

That's no butt crack. That part of the Portland Public Library system.

BTW, that brand of rack sucks. That metal that attaches to the dropout eyelet bends and shifts as soon as you fill your pannier.

Cops are still in Central Park. Today it was two vans, 4 cops in each, parked next to stoplights, waiting like cats under a bird feeder. Later Cushman cops. There goes the neighborhood.

Digital Pornography Enthusiast said...

I´d dig that book rack if it weren´t so real

Anonymous said...

Looking to leave NY? May I suggest New Mexico? Year-round cycling (well, except today I am not going to ride home because it is now snowing--but that's an anomaly) and fairly friendly for cycling. You'll love it. I promise.

Fred said...

Snob missed the point. The butt-carck mounted paperback functions as a fender. It rains a lot here, duh.

rural 14 said...

ant 2nd!
and hey, I just removed some Campy ergo shifters and replaced them with downtube shifters which work in snow and ice / shift much faster. The end (Fred-dom) is here?

David P said...

I would like to point out that the time-traveling retro fred has now travelled into the future by appearing in the March issue of DP Enthusiast in January.

Anonymous said...

Martin Erzinger

as Bill Hicks once supposedly said "I quit smoking just to see if Denis Leary would."

Denis Leary was the Dane Cook of 90s alt culture.

Anonymous said...

GWB shot in the link made my elbow throb where it came into contact with black ice yesterday. Curse those British hipster-imperialists with their never setting sun...

Anonymous said...

Whitworth or Cycle?

hey nonny mouse (not English)

Marcel Da Chump said...

I go around......,
That's an Axiom rack. I saw one on a Motobecane track. This particular rack was the narrowest I've seen, barely covering te 700c tires. That metal thing you're referring to in the picture can be detached. If you look closely, you'll see it has a slot that fits the wheel axle of a track hub. Considering that most track frames dropouts lack an eyelet, someone devised a way to attach a rack to a track bike. That set-up seems to make it rigid. But that's just a guess.

gregg said...

Ceremony makes a fine ass book.

bikesgonewild said...

...i'd create a ceremony around her fine ass...

...that's book...

...just sayin'...

Jed said...

I smell a pulitzer. A wet one, but a pulitzer nonetheless.

Anonymous said...

The Toronto Dominion Bank is sponsoring New York's 5 Boro cycling event. Was this Toronto's, new anti cycling mayor's idea to improve traffic flows in Toronto by exporting the pinko cyclist's traffic clogging events to New York?

Anonymous said...

That'd be Canada's flavour saver, with the u. We're that generous.

Anonymous said...

Dude with the riot helmet actually found his riot!

leroy said...

You know what's ubiquitous? Snow.

Snow in NYC this winter is ubquitous.

I freaking hate it.

Mr Frugal said...

Cocksuckers at TD Bank!! They wouldn't give our cycling education group the time of day...They'd rather spend it in the the land of 'Robber Bankers' to show how much kinder and gentler they are before they fuck you in the ass. Heed the warning from The Great White North...Bankers are all evil, some just use chain lube first...

Just Wonderin' said...

I wonder whatever happened to Red Neckerson and Jolene and Ricky. Did they all get banned from the libary, or is it something worse? It's easy to imagine something worse happening to that outfit. And speakin' of them what is not hardly right in the haid, anybody seen anything of the OC lately?

Anonymous said...

Hunnert?

PawnShop said...

leroy,
There's more where that came from. Count your blessings - at least your snow melts between storms. If not completely, at least substantially. Out here in the hinterland, not so much.
DETH BERM

PawnShop said...

Useful weather forecast.

I Go Around and Around said...

Marcel @ 8:50 - I don't see that slot, just a place to hook the retaining spring on a pair of panniers. But nevermind - my closer scrutiny in response to your post shows me that there is now a welded cross strut on the legs attached above the flat piece of metal, something my sucky version doesn't have. I withdraw my claim.

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

Anonymous said...

Lanterne Rouge!

jds said...

Energy drink defense:

Grizzlies guard O.J. Mayo said the product that included a banned substance and led to his 10-game suspension without pay by the NBA was purchased over the counter at a local gas station.

When asked to name the product or why he used it, Mayo declined to give specifics.

"It was an energy drink or something similar," Mayo said Saturday several hours before the Griz hosted the Washington Wizards.

Mayo tested positive for the steroid precursor dehydroepiandrosterone (DHEA), a substance prohibited under the NBA's anti-drug policy. The 6-4 reserve guard maintained that he never intentionally did anything wrong.

Read more NBA news and insight: http://www.hoopsworld.com/HeadlineStories.asp?lc=&c=1&TEAM_ID=7&PLAYER_ID=1841&hd=20110130#STORY_30927#ixzz1CoyOwm1d

BikeFrozenInSnowbank said...

In Canada it's flavour saver. Savour it.

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Here what i found -> vision correction

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Fixie Bikes said...

"Fixed-gear filmmakers are like missionaries, spreading the Gospel of Self-Importance to exotic peoples with far more pressing concerns."

Made me lol, I bet their monasteries are here in Brooklyn.

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