(More or less.)
So how 'bout that American Thanksgiving, huh? I mean, wow! Hopefully you had a delicious meal, though odds are you skipped the cranberry sauce, which is universally regarded as the lamest of all the traditional Thanksgiving foodstuffs. In fact, this is why there's now a huge cranberry surplus down here in Canada's Giblets, forcing the government to buy them all up and force-feed them to the poor.
If bicycles don't destroy this country then those tart fucking "berries" most certainly will.
Speaking of surplus crap, while I was off giving thanks "Bicycling" magazine has published two--that's two!--columns I typed all by myself. First, there's this one, about how riding indoors is stupid:
Of course, anyone who reads "Bicycling" probably also rides indoors, so "Bicycling" were probably offended at my implication that their readers are stupid, which must be why they punished me with that awful flop-and-chop cockpit photo.
I mean really, it looks like something Bret would ride:
Then, "Bicycling" also published this one, in which I explain to UCI President Brian Cookson why they need to shorten all three Grand Tours and run them consecutively:
And which elicited comments like this:
i hate everything in this article. why? why the hell would you want to ruin the GRAND tours? It is not the little tours or the baby tours they are the grand tours for a reason. if riders want to compete in all three do it. I am nor have I ever been a pro cyclist so i don't know the challenges in that but hey I know if i was what i would be doing. This actually being a thought really hurts my heart. I really do not mean that to sound funny either.
Oy. "I hate everything in this article. Why? Because I am a 'Bicyling' subscriber who takes everything seriously!" Not all the comments were negative though:
Brilliant idea, guys a frickin genius. Now that you've fixed cycling can you turn your attention to Ironman triathlons? Seriously, we need help. Getting a bit dull. Thanks Snob.
A-motherfucking-men! I am a "frickin genius." And yes, here's my idea on how to fix Ironman triathlons:
1) Ban triathlons forever;
2) Gather up every triathlon bike on the planet and put them in a gigantic rocket;
3) Fire that rocket directly into the Sun.
Done, and done.
Boy, it's hard having all the answers. No wonder "God" is so spiteful and vengeful. It's like dealing with children.
Anyway, in addition to riding my bicycle and solving all the cycling world's problems over the Thanksgiving break, I also engaged in seasonally-appropriate activities that did not involve bicycles. For example, every year around the holidays the retrogrouches at the MTA break out the old-timey subway trains, so yesterday my human child and I hopped on for a ride:
Few things get kids more excited than trains, and few things get the local Train Freds more excited than rolling obsolescence:
It's sort of the transit equivalent of a "Tweed Ride," complete with commuters in period dress:
(I'm referring to the woman in the purple hat and not the guy in the orange safety vest.)
My human child was absolutely delighted for the four (4) minutes before he fell soundly asleep on the comfy wicker seat. Also, if nothing else, it's important to expose yourself to train dorks once in awhile because they make even the most socially inept bike dork seem normal in comparison. Most of all though, it's fun to step briefly into the past and take a break from our dystopian present in which cyclists are forced to wear luminescent arm bands which track their movements:
Only a matter of time before we're all wearing "Smart Hats:"
Which, it should surprise you not at all to learn, was invented by a complete fucking moron:
“I don’t think it will weigh too much either. Our heads and necks are designed to take quite a load anyway. We’ve got eight kilograms of weight in bone and brain already.
"It’s not going to be a major problem, but if it is, some of it can be put in other areas of the bicycle. And there’s not much weight in there anyway. There’s batteries, there’s an iPhone, and a display. It’s something you don’t really know until it’s been prototyped."
Presumably he came up with that brain weight measurement by weighing his own head, but he failed to take into account that the contents of his skull are mostly Vegemite and kangaroo feces.
Also, he doesn't even ride a bike:
King admits that he doesn’t actually ride a bike himself – he “honestly prefers vehicles”. However, he says that people like him might be persuade to cycle if it were safer. He believes his design would help in this regard.
Yeah, sure, that makes sense. The only thing keeping the masses off bicycles is the current inability to transform your own head into a minivan.
Dr Mahesh Chandra Rout, who operated on the women, said, "Cycle pumps are routinely used in many other parts of the state in the absence of costly medical equipment. There is no reason to make a big fuss about it as it has been proved fairly safe, and an affordable alternative." He claimed he had performed 60,000 sterilization surgeries so far and had received awards from chief minister Naveen Patnaik in 2012 and 2013 for conducting the highest number of such operations in a year.
I'll bet you fifteen (15) of your Australian Dollars that Smart Hat douche orders a bunch of stuff from Cell Bikes and goes into the medical supply business.