Friday, May 24, 2013

BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz See You Tuesday It's a Long Weekend Even Though My Whole Life Is One Long Weekend!

I have an important question:

How the fuck does this guy have his Citi Bike key already and I don't?

(Weiner cupping balls.)

If you're a New Yorker who's even remotely pro-bike I challenge you to read the above article without wanting to punch this guy in the "pants yabbies."

In any case, I'm glad he got his key in a timely fashion so he can go cruise the city and decide which bike lanes he wants to remove if he gets elected.

Meanwhile, on Wednesday I mentioned that the Hasidim are trying to engage the "hipsters" of Brooklyn in a great big facial hair circle jerk, and their efforts have now attracted the attention of the New York Times:



Not only that, but apparently the Roman Catholic Church beat them to it:

First the Brooklyn Diocese of the Roman Catholic Church began running ads suggesting that Jesus was “the original hipster.” Now a group of Hasidic Jews have seized upon the beards – metaphorically, anyway – of the hip, young demographic as a way of reaching out to them.

I admit the Catholics make a good point about Jesus being "the original hipster."  A white guy with blond hair living in the Middle East two thousand years ago?  Yeah, sounds like a gentrifier to me.  Unfortunately, he tried to start an ass-sharing program (that's "ass" as in "donkey," not "ass" as in "ass") in downtown Jerusalem, and then this happened:


(No criminality suspected.)

Anyway, part of the Hasidic attempt to engage the so-called hipsters was some kind of "Ask A Jew" night, but the Times reports that no hipsters actually showed up:

There were plenty of bearded Hasidim among the several dozen attendees listening to Rabbi Manis Friedman’s lecture. “The Torah says, tradition teaches us that facial hair actually grows from the head towards the heart,” he said. “The beard is actually a flow of energy that connects the mind and heart.”

But a reporter present for the first half of the meeting had trouble spotting anyone who could pass for the stereotypical bearded hipster.

It could be that hipsters can find pretty much anything they need to know about the Hasidim by using the Internet (you know, that big scary evil thing that basically contains the sum of all human knowledge).  Or, it could be that some of the hipsters owe back rent and were afraid of running into their landlords.  However, the Rabbi's excuse for the poor turnout is that Williamsburg is like totally over:

He added, “It’s true, we did not get any motorcycle hipsters with tattoos and big beards – no over-the-top-looking hipsters.” But those types, he said, are “more in Bushwick now, not as much on Bedford.”

Meanwhile, the Catholics think the Jews are ripping them off:

As for the Catholic campaign, Monsignor Kieran Harrington, a diocese spokesman, said the diocese’s Web site had had “400 times the normal traffic” since the ads began running April 1. The ads, posted at bus stops and phone booths, show a pair of red Converse sneakers sticking out from under a white robe,

Told about the “Unite the Beards” effort, Monsignor Harrington chuckled and said, “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.”

I wouldn't get so smug there, Monsignor.  The only reason anybody's paying attention to either of these campaigns is that they're ridiculous. Do you seriously think any young person in gentrified Brooklyn is going to start following a religion that bans premarital sex, contraception, and wanking?  It's like the KKK opening up a recruiting center on 125th Street, or like T-Mobile trying to sell cellphones to the Amish.  And as for the Hasidim, their big mistake is in trying to appeal to the hipster men.  Sure, in the Hasidic world it may be the men who are in charge, but it's exactly the opposite in the hipster culture, where the woman works and the man tries to get his band or film project off the ground until they finally have a kid and the man becomes an "artisanal father."  Sure, the man may wear the beard, but it's the women who wear the pants.

Really, the Catholics and the Hasidim should leave the hipsters out of this altogether and just court each other with a "Unite the Pederasts" effort, since hiding molestation is something both of them are equally good at.

Lastly, someone in Washington is introducing a bill to introduce an Amtrak "critter car:"


Said Mr. Denham: “My dog, Lily, is part of our family and travels with us to and from California all the time. If I can take her on a plane, why can’t I travel with her on Amtrak, too?” he said.

It's a supreme hassle to travel with a bicycle on pretty much any form of transportation in America, so before Lily the dog gets her own special car maybe we could get a few more fucking bike hooks first.  Or how about a law keeping some of these ridiculous airline fees in check?  It's odd that our culture goes so far out of its way to accommodate pets yet we're so hostile to bicycles.  I guess in America we're only comfortable with things that kill (cars and guns) and things that shit on the sidewalk (dogs, and occasionally people).

And if it shits on a bike rack then that's even better.

Now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right great, and if you're wrong you'll see all-limb cycling.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and I'll see you on Tuesday because Monday's a holiday called Memorial Day which I hope very much you'll enjoy.  (And if you come from a place where they don't have Memorial Day I'm giving you the day off anyway, tell your boss.0


--Wildcat Rock Machine





(Di Luca's super must have installed one of those low-flow showerheads.)

1) Is Danilo Di Luca really "that fucking stupid??"

--No, he's not.
--Yes, he is.






(Nothing says "irreverent" like signs reminding you to be irreverent.)

2) Portlanders love bikes, but they hate:

--Motorcycles
--Boats
--Fluoride
--Minorities






3) Which is not an actual Pedalpalooza theme ride?

--The Dave Matthews ride
--The Food Foraging! ride
--The Hitler ride
--The Sons of Jihad ride






(Routine traffic stop.)

4) In Bath, England, you can get pulled over for:

--Stopping for a red signal while riding a bicycle
--Wearing your helment backwards
--Cycling pantsless
--Not dressing like a Fred while riding a road bike







(Just because I used this picture doesn't mean it's the right answer.  Even though it is...  Or is it?)

5) The latest argument against cyclists is that:

--They are smug
--They don't obey traffic laws
--They are killing the US auto industry
--The are duckling killers





(Robs Fords indicates the size of the burger he just ate in mime.)

6) Beleaguered Toronto mayors Robs Fords now claims that the purported video of him smoking crack is actually a poorly doctored scene from the Chris Farley movie, "Beverly Hills Ninja."

--True
--False




7) Finally!  A:

--Retractable mudguard
--Foldable machete
--Seatpost-mounted ironing board
--LED button-down shirt

***Special Misty Mountain Disco Fred Bonus Video!***

85 comments:

Anonymous said...

Zzzzz.....

Comment deleted said...

Yeow!

The Rook said...

Rook 1st! No? Yeah? Got it! Don't got it! Happy Memorial Day Week-enderings!

dnk said...

YOU KNOW I DO BELIEVE...

dnk said...

...IN YOUR HEXAGRAM

ChamoisJuice said...

fuck work

JB said...

Reading the rantings on yesterday's post. Missed sprint.

ChamoisJuice said...

This 3 day weekend, take a moment to remember when the bike snob made fun of bikes in a comedic manner.

http://bikesnobnyc.blogspot.com/2008/09/i-am-highly-specialized-right-tool-for.html

Comment deleted said...

I'm probably going to regret prolonging this, but I couldn't let this one go (from yesterday's comment tail).

Roy-yay: "Everything in science is disputable."

Yes, but it takes more than saying "Nu-uh!" to dispute it effectively.

(ref.: Python, Monty, "The Argument Clinic")

ChamoisJuice said...

Oh yeah,

HASIDIM, BUT I CAN'T BELIEVE 'EM!

Flyover bike commuter said...

Must have been quit a sprint to the finish today.

Anonymous said...

Cleveland yea!

Comment deleted said...

"it's exactly the opposite in the hipster culture, where the woman works and the man tries to get his band or film project off the ground until they finally have a kid and the man becomes an "artisanal father." "

Seems exactly the same, as far as I can tell. In the Hasidic culture, the woman works while the man cultivates an artisanal understanding of the Torah, no?

Maybe the Beard Uniters are on to something.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Jesus Christ Hipster Star

ChamoisJuice said...

Dood, Hasidic women are prohibited from working. Or using birth control. Or having any control over family finances.

Like Bike Snob Daily News sez: people think Hasidim are weird OR interesting.

I think they are weird, interesting AND hilarious

JEWC ANOE

McFly said...

Everyone knows hilpsters are like cats. You call to them and they ignore you. You go about your business and they get all under your feet wanting something to eat or a Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Anonymous said...

Apparently the Peter Tweeter thought he was running for mayor of Pittsburg

NYCHighwheeler said...

I would have gone with "A Night on Disco Mountain" by David Shire for the Bear Mountain thing.

I should confess however that I go with A Night on Disco Mountain for EVERYTHING everywhere all the time.

It has become a real serious problem, and is destroying my life.

Hope to see you riding up in Westchester this weekend Snob. If you would like to flog your book at the Blue Mountain Festival, post something over at wmba.org, and I'll make sure it happens.

Fergie

Comment deleted said...

Chamois Juice, your Jew-baiting is so adorable.

And predictably wrong.

Yarpo said...

Danilo Di Luca: Il Asesino e una Testa di Merda!!!

Scrotano!!

Got up at 5:00am to find today's stage cancelled AND that Italians still use the word, "cretin," in this case to describe Di Luca the EPO Juicer Man.

Cretino. I kinda like it.

xyxax said...

ignor the Mons at your peril.

babble on said...

Hey! I started my own ass sharing program on my blog yesterday, too! That means I have something in common with Jesus.

I'll be the pope before you know it. :)

McFly said...

The Giro race directors want an Italian to win sooooooooo baaaaaaaad that they are cancelling stages that may present problems. Gino Bartali is rolling over in his grave.

Comment deleted said...

Babs, I haven't heard back from you yet about the weekend after July 4th.

I'm hoping it's available, because it will be hard to book an ass-share down here in the States for that weekend.

ChamoisJuice said...

Oh man, I was going to post some Wiki links, to totally prove you wrong, but it turns out, I don't know what I am talking about.

Hasidic women can work.
In situations where:
they don't talk to men.
it does not interfere with their first duty as mother.

25-year-old Feldman (now divorced and Sarah Lawrence-educated) recalls Satmar as a bleak world of oppression, hypocrisy and life-threatening negligence, in which women receive little education beyond religious and domestic training, and are taught from an early age to fear all outsiders.

babble on said...

...and as soon as I'm elected, there will be free condoms at every church and a wank don't rape campaign across the globe.

Yup. I'll turn this whole mess around in no time.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

nice braid on that turd

Mehjor Taylor said...

Is that a video of the 4000 missing Freds?

McFly said...

I have never seen a turd (also spelt terd and tird) that did not have at least 1 or 2 REST RINGS in it. Especially one of that diameter. He or she must have been fully dialated to 4.5 cm and already crowning when they mounted down to do the business.

Nerves probably played a role.

That and Taco Bell.

babble on said...

What about the weekend after the fourth of July? I must've smoked too much of Wednesday's finest, and forgotten the question.

Have you invited me somewhere warm and wonderful? Or would you like to come to Vancouver for a bike ride?

Yes. On both counts.

Dooth said...

The photo of that rump on the motorcycle just reminded me to floss my teeth.

Anonymous said...

In the mayor's race I think Weiner will have STIFF competition.
If the going gets tough he may have to PULL OUT.
I'm sure such media attention is HARD ON him.
His first rally is scheduled for BJ's.

babble on said...

anon @ 2:41 - heh heh. You sound just like me!

All The Black People In Portland said...

Jens Voight shoots flouride and douches with EPO

Fritz said...

Whoa ....with the recent reappearance of the entity known as Weiner I had the misfortune of seeing a profile view of that creatur...

does that beak of his have its own zip code? are they any Silver Dollars up there?

wishiwasmerckx© said...

DOOD, NOT COOL!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Wow! Flouride is toxic at the 0.7 ppm level and iodized salt plays no role in intellectual development.

CJ is back to his Jew-baiting ways.

Add these two together and I predict that Holocaust denial is just around the corner.

mikeweb said...

"Well since you ask, I came to this realization during the physical act of love."

Oh wait, are we all done with that fluoride thing already?

Comment deleted said...

Allow me to quote Susan Sarandon from Bull Durham:

Oh my.

McFly said...

I love Floorride. It's one of my faves.

MaxBenign said...

Ahem:

Speaking of Weiner...

ChamoisJuice said...

Dooder, the whole reason there are more Jewish people in NYC, than any other COUNTRY in the world is WWII. I don't think anyone is likely to forget.

Jew-baiting
n
active persecution or harassment of Jews

Please explain how thinking curly cue sideburns are funny looking and calling tzitzits tzatsiki is active persecution?

I am always amused by how quickly the P.C. police will throw edumacated people under the bus for some perceived insensitive comment, but will blindly forgive cultural misogyny, racism, homophobia, intolerance if it is expressed by a minority group.

FWIW, I find Mormans and Jehovah's witnesses MORE absurd than Hasids.

Tradition makes the absurdity more acceptable to me.


CommieCanuck said...

On CBC Radio yesterday, live interviews with teenagers in Toronto:
"...you don't expect a Mayor to be smoking crack in Toronto, that's more like Brooklyn..."

Robs was just modelling himself after Marion Barry, who, after caught smoking crack by the FBI on video, and being named Marion, got re-elected Mayor of Washington, DC.

Roille Figners said...

Comment (Mr. Deleted if you're nasty): I'll rephrase it since we got off on such a tangent (everyone suddenly a scientist, and so on):

Anything any disinterested (or illegitimately-interested) party insists I should ingest all day, is disputable. That's really all it is. I choose one risk instead of another. AYHSMB.

All the condescension up in here, I'll just take that as everyone's therapeutic catharsis of bad feelings toward your retarded-ass bearded artisanal theme-ride-participating lily-white caricature of Portlanders as portrayed by Mr. Rockmanstein. Forgot where I was for a minute; carry on.

Loch Ness Campaign HQ said...

SNOB: "How the fuck does this guy have his Citi Bike key already and I don't?"

His weiner is bigger than yours.

P.S. His nickname for it is "The Loch Ness Monster"

Vida Blue Balls said...

Well, make a career not of damning people putting fluouride in your water, make a career of carrying a atom adsorbsion device or gas chromatograph with you to make SURE that your water is pure wherever you go. Be safe, not sorry!

mikeweb said...

Stay classy New York tabloids

(Expanding on MaxBenign's prior comment)

CommieCanuck said...

THIS JUST IN

Robs Fords rebuffs the "LOB ROB" movement by denying he ever smoked crack. So, he didn't do it, because he denied it.

CommieCanuck said...

He also denied hitting on a woman while stoned at a fundraiser... denied he was ever at a hockey game where is verbally abused a couple...or that he was reading while driving at full speed...or that he charged with pot possession in Florida, so none of that happened.

He also denies being a Fat Fuck.

Comment deleted said...

R-yay, we shall agree to disagree, then.

Any chance of the Charlie O. Finley-era handlebar appearing in the avatar, at all?

Anonymous said...

Can I at least like Klaus Fluoride?

crosspalms said...

As Paul Simon once said, one man's sealing is another man's fluoride.

@rural_14 said...

Rural 1st!

At least the Hasidim have stopped using their "Mitzvah Tank" -scourge of Brooklyn neighborhoods in the 60s and 70s before they were sued! i believe to stop - their MO was to talk to young kids walking by, aggressively asking, "are you Jewish" and if you said yes they'd shame you into coming into their horrible winnebago and put on teffillin and pray, even if you never had / such incredible shaming going on / intimidation. After the first time, I learned how to piss them off...hard for a little kid to deal with aggressive adults, pious jerks. Lifelong atheist! even as a kid - thanks to the power of the bicycle of course, Lob help me.

Joe Rudi Can't Fail said...

Humbly submitting my contribution to the Oakland A's nomenclature...also, just flossed my teeth.

ChamoisJuice said...

I am the greatest of all time. Thank you!

Plus, I played for the Yanks.

babble on said...

mmm the physical act of love...

sigh

I just held congress with my bike and a couple of hills. I love my bike. Does that count?

dnk said...

Babble: that counts.

Dennis said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dennis said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

The Winebago may be gone (maybe) but I still run into the "are you jewish" gauntlet every once in a while. What were they sued for, I wonder? Seems pretty 1st ammendment protected, I would think. (Except for luring minors into motor vehicles- that may be a no-no.)

Serial Retrogrouch said...

it rained.. so i cycled, then had to take the bus.. wont say why, but i did miss on the sprint.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Roille, do childhood vaccinations cause autism?

We breathlessly await your considered opinion.

wishiwasmerckx said...

I am either slightly hard of hearing or slightly dyslexic, bit I am now in the doghouse because I thought that the little lady said that she wanted to be a cooch potato all weekend.

@rural_14 said...

@ anon 5:46
I think the suit had something to do with grabbing children off the streets, and perhaps it is either urban legend or was a response to push back they started getting from the Community groups (I know that people on my block were very vociferous; & the pugnacious small local paper in Sheepshead Bay had a lot of articles and letters about these guys essentially jumping a bunch o school kids every day. Gauntlet is a good description. In later years, military hazing seemed very similar to me, and equally ire raising.

Years later, when I moved to Rural14 land, one of the only other Jews in town, asked me if I would donate X materials from my workshop to help the Lubavichers in Litchfield County. I did because
a. I was surprised that there were any Lubavichers anywhere in Connecticut, let alone in such a white shoe / non-Jewish neighborhood &
b. because I pretty much donate whatever goods and services I can whenever asked.

But there was one caveat, which was that I asked not to be proselytized by them. Of course that was a red flag to a bull, and for 10 years afterwards, the Litchfield Rabbi made it his business to stop in and see me at first 1x per month, and then 1x every quarter, each time attempting to convert me & etc...like I said, a staunch atheist from the age of 8, but for some reason instead of barring my door as I have so many times before, I spent an hour each time, saying why I could not possibly believe in any religious fairy tale / quoting all sortsa people, Victor Frankl, Oriana Fallaci, Noam Chomsky etc, all to get this wanker to see that he should leave me alone. I didn't yell once. Eventually - 10 years it took - they stopped coming.

Though of course I have been saved by Lob. Fer sure riding one's bike is far more a religious experience than any fookin' god piety crap.

abelgus said...

Yeah Snobby,

I fly my dogs all the time at double the human airfare for domestic and quadruple for international flights.

Your poopster flies free, mine surely doesn't.

That said, I'm all for more bike accommodations - especially bike share & train & bus space.

Jed said...

That wasn't a turd on the bike rack. A Hasidim was delivering a fresh basket of chocolate challah, and one got stuck on the post. This posting is kosher for Passover.

ouabacher said...

The Amish in my area aren't allowed to even have enclosed buggies, but they all have cell phones!.......seriously!

Kevin said...

So you think Weiner is too 'soft' on bike lanes? Is that your 'beef'? Would you prefer he go 'all in' and 'erect' them all over the city or do you think it's 'premature' for him to be 'hanging' his.....

Ok, it's so easy it's not even funny. I could do this drunk and 'stream' of consciousness...ahh crap.. now I can't stop.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for giving us foreigners the day off, Snobby, but what are we memorialising?

I'd like to remember my mountain bike frame which finally broke after 30 years of faultless service. Would that be okay?

Comment deleted said...

Anon @ 10:31: our Civil War dead. We Americans generally spend the three days in deep meditation on the sacrifices of John Reynolds, Stonewall Jackson, and others.

That, and the occasional auto sale.

leroy said...

Why yes, I can see how a man who texts pictures of his pecker to strangers has just the right set of communication skills and good judgment to unite New Yorkers on all sorts of issues, including the issue of how bike lanes are fine except for the one that Senator Schumer's wife doesn't like.

I just can't see why I should vote for a schmuck with so little imagination that he can't figure out a way to help New York City that doesn't include being Mayor.

And I really don't feel like wasting my time thinking about his short comings and hubris.

Maybe I'd feel differently if he could get my dog on Amtrak.

Oh well, whatever you ride, ride joyfully all!

Anonymous said...

The hipstarters really had some bitter replies to my helpful critique of their slap fender. I got the feeling that they considered anything short of blind devotion to their flawed idea a threat. Even Budnitz isn't that defensive.

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
wishiwasmerckx said...

BTW, for those of you not in the know, the "Keep Portland Weird" sign is on the back wall of a downtown nightclub, the picture was taken standing in front of the Voodoo Doughnuts store, and the slogan is a direct rip-off of the "Keep Austin Weird" campaign.

Anonymous said...

wiwm, thanks for that bit of info...further proof that a homogenous society is at loss for originality.

Yarpo said...

RaXibo Rheindamm...is that a Basque-German collabo?No, I couldn't bear to watch it all the way through.

$35 for that fucking Plume piece o'shit? The bent cardboard or cut up plastic bottle alternative is way more attractive...as a protest against the Plumetards pseudo-inventive idiocy.

Una Grande Vittoria en la tappa de oggi!

arsamsio...Arsenio's 2nd cousin twice removed?

mikeweb said...

So, rural14, if I hear correctly, you live in CT. and in Litchfield county? Just curious since that's where I'm from until I moved to the big dirty city.

Yarpo said...

Ciao Il Gran Bel Giro, fino al prossimo anno!

Future Mrs. Yarpo crying at Stefano Garzelli's final Giro salute...moments to make me realize that Holy Shit I'm in LUV!

Tonight, since the Giro finished in Brescia, we will eat casoncelli, meat ravioli with melted butter and grated cheese. Fucka-good with wine and more wine. But first...

A beautiful day and I hope you all get to ride your bicicletta!

Scrotano!

McFly said...

Did I mention how brutally awesome my Intense is? I have to vent here. I get tired of answering "Why don't gee jus get jur byke at the Wal Mart like we do?"

Seriously.

Wave the Flag, Wave it High said...

CD@1041: And beer commercials too. Don't forget the beer commercials. And millionaire baseball players are wearing camouflage themed "uniforms" on Memorial Day as their contribution to participating in our shared sacrifice society.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

testing... testing... testes... 1, 2, and 3?

paulb said...

Oh, right, Weiner was making a funny joke. WCRM, rebuild Bike Snob Towers a few blocks north and you'll be in Yonkers, away from the stupidity.

Paul Bowen said...

Weiner is the one who sent a picture of his peen to a young woman he didn't know, right? That would pretty much end your political career here in the fuddy-duddy old UK. America's penis pictures community should be proud of the strides it's made. "We're here, we photograph our willies, GET USED TO IT!"

Verla said...

This is cool!

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