How the fuck does this guy have his Citi Bike key already and I don't?
(Weiner cupping balls.)
If you're a New Yorker who's even remotely pro-bike I challenge you to read the above article without wanting to punch this guy in the "pants yabbies."
In any case, I'm glad he got his key in a timely fashion so he can go cruise the city and decide which bike lanes he wants to remove if he gets elected.
Meanwhile, on Wednesday I mentioned that the Hasidim are trying to engage the "hipsters" of Brooklyn in a great big facial hair circle jerk, and their efforts have now attracted the attention of the New York Times:
Not only that, but apparently the Roman Catholic Church beat them to it:
First the Brooklyn Diocese of the Roman Catholic Church began running ads suggesting that Jesus was “the original hipster.” Now a group of Hasidic Jews have seized upon the beards – metaphorically, anyway – of the hip, young demographic as a way of reaching out to them.
I admit the Catholics make a good point about Jesus being "the original hipster." A white guy with blond hair living in the Middle East two thousand years ago? Yeah, sounds like a gentrifier to me. Unfortunately, he tried to start an ass-sharing program (that's "ass" as in "donkey," not "ass" as in "ass") in downtown Jerusalem, and then this happened:
(No criminality suspected.)
Anyway, part of the Hasidic attempt to engage the so-called hipsters was some kind of "Ask A Jew" night, but the Times reports that no hipsters actually showed up:
There were plenty of bearded Hasidim among the several dozen attendees listening to Rabbi Manis Friedman’s lecture. “The Torah says, tradition teaches us that facial hair actually grows from the head towards the heart,” he said. “The beard is actually a flow of energy that connects the mind and heart.”
But a reporter present for the first half of the meeting had trouble spotting anyone who could pass for the stereotypical bearded hipster.
It could be that hipsters can find pretty much anything they need to know about the Hasidim by using the Internet (you know, that big scary evil thing that basically contains the sum of all human knowledge). Or, it could be that some of the hipsters owe back rent and were afraid of running into their landlords. However, the Rabbi's excuse for the poor turnout is that Williamsburg is like totally over:
He added, “It’s true, we did not get any motorcycle hipsters with tattoos and big beards – no over-the-top-looking hipsters.” But those types, he said, are “more in Bushwick now, not as much on Bedford.”
Meanwhile, the Catholics think the Jews are ripping them off:
As for the Catholic campaign, Monsignor Kieran Harrington, a diocese spokesman, said the diocese’s Web site had had “400 times the normal traffic” since the ads began running April 1. The ads, posted at bus stops and phone booths, show a pair of red Converse sneakers sticking out from under a white robe,
Told about the “Unite the Beards” effort, Monsignor Harrington chuckled and said, “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.”
I wouldn't get so smug there, Monsignor. The only reason anybody's paying attention to either of these campaigns is that they're ridiculous. Do you seriously think any young person in gentrified Brooklyn is going to start following a religion that bans premarital sex, contraception, and wanking? It's like the KKK opening up a recruiting center on 125th Street, or like T-Mobile trying to sell cellphones to the Amish. And as for the Hasidim, their big mistake is in trying to appeal to the hipster men. Sure, in the Hasidic world it may be the men who are in charge, but it's exactly the opposite in the hipster culture, where the woman works and the man tries to get his band or film project off the ground until they finally have a kid and the man becomes an "artisanal father." Sure, the man may wear the beard, but it's the women who wear the pants.
Really, the Catholics and the Hasidim should leave the hipsters out of this altogether and just court each other with a "Unite the Pederasts" effort, since hiding molestation is something both of them are equally good at.
Lastly, someone in Washington is introducing a bill to introduce an Amtrak "critter car:"
Said Mr. Denham: “My dog, Lily, is part of our family and travels with us to and from California all the time. If I can take her on a plane, why can’t I travel with her on Amtrak, too?” he said.
It's a supreme hassle to travel with a bicycle on pretty much any form of transportation in America, so before Lily the dog gets her own special car maybe we could get a few more fucking bike hooks first. Or how about a law keeping some of these ridiculous airline fees in check? It's odd that our culture goes so far out of its way to accommodate pets yet we're so hostile to bicycles. I guess in America we're only comfortable with things that kill (cars and guns) and things that shit on the sidewalk (dogs, and occasionally people).
And if it shits on a bike rack then that's even better.
Now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right great, and if you're wrong you'll see all-limb cycling.
Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and I'll see you on Tuesday because Monday's a holiday called Memorial Day which I hope very much you'll enjoy. (And if you come from a place where they don't have Memorial Day I'm giving you the day off anyway, tell your boss.0
--Wildcat Rock Machine
(Di Luca's super must have installed one of those low-flow showerheads.)
1) Is Danilo Di Luca really "that fucking stupid??"
--No, he's not.
--Yes, he is.
(Nothing says "irreverent" like signs reminding you to be irreverent.)
2) Portlanders love bikes, but they hate:
3) Which is not an actual Pedalpalooza theme ride?
--The Dave Matthews ride
--The Food Foraging! ride
--The Hitler ride
--The Sons of Jihad ride
(Routine traffic stop.)
4) In Bath, England, you can get pulled over for:
--Stopping for a red signal while riding a bicycle
--Wearing your helment backwards
--Not dressing like a Fred while riding a road bike
(Just because I used this picture doesn't mean it's the right answer. Even though it is... Or is it?)
5) The latest argument against cyclists is that:
--They are smug
--They don't obey traffic laws
--They are killing the US auto industry
--The are duckling killers
(Robs Fords indicates the size of the burger he just ate in mime.)
6) Beleaguered Toronto mayors Robs Fords now claims that the purported video of him smoking crack is actually a poorly doctored scene from the Chris Farley movie, "Beverly Hills Ninja."
--Seatpost-mounted ironing board
--LED button-down shirt
***Special Misty Mountain Disco Fred Bonus Video!***