Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Are You The Keymaster? Because I'm The Gatekeeper.

First of all, I'd like to congratulate the scumbags at the Daily News for the most disgustingly offensive and profoundly fuck-tardedest bike share reference to date:



The victim was not believed to be riding a bike from the city’s long-awaited Citi Bike program, unveiled Monday.

Oh, also, this:

Critics have warned that cyclists will be injured because helmets are not required in the program. It is unclear if the senior killed Monday was wearing protective gear.

In case you're not familiar with Brooklyn, Bensonhurst is nowhere near anyplace with a bike share station, thus the chances of finding a 74 year-old (or really anyone for that matter) riding a Citi Bike in that neighborhood are virtually nil, but why let that stop you from passive-agressive victim-blaming and micturating on someone's grave to promote your moronic agenda?

By the way, the person who wrote the article tweets at @bpaddockNYC, where he apparently solicits quotes from people whose friends and loved ones have just died, and not for nothing but his phone number is all over the place.

Now you have some "digits" to scrawl on a cocktail napkin the next time some sleazebag hits on you in a bar.

Actually, the saddest part of all of this is that this guy isn't even disgracing dead people for huge sums of "fuck you" money.  He's just doing it for the pittance they must pay at the Daily News.  He's morally deficient and broke.  Ironically, this scumbag "journalist" would be living a far better lifestyle in Portland riding around on a bike, making espressos for a living, and satisfying his journalistic fantasies by interning at BikePortland in his spare time.  That life seems a lot better to me than waking up in a shitty apartment and sending out tweets like, "Sorry your grampa died, please call me," but then again I have this thing called a "soul."

Speaking of sleazebags, yesterday saw the official debut of the Citi Bike program, and even though I was a founding member with a number in the low-300s (equivalent to like a second-row start in a cyclocross race), my key did not arrive with last Friday's mail, prompting me to post about the irony of Anthony "“When I become mayor, you know what I’m going to spend my first year doing? I’m going to have a bunch of ribbon-cuttings tearing out your fucking bike lanes" Weiner receiving one before I did:


By the way, in true sleazebag fashion, Anthony Weiner is now suddenly pandering to the bike demographic:
I hope his shallow attempt at pandering actually transforms him into a genuine bike lane advocate, and I also hope someone from Citi Bike disinfects that seat.

Anyway, I can only assume someone at Citi Bike heard my kvetching, because that evening I received a call from a courier informing me that he was going to be hand-delivering my key the following day.  I didn't have the heart to tell him that I didn't really need the key before Monday since I had no plans to be downtown that day, and that I was really only bothered by the idea that I didn't have my key, so instead I let him ride his scooter all the way up to where I live (which is still in New York City, but just barely) in the rain.

Hey, he's a courier, they live for that stuff.*

*[On the off-chance someone from Citi Bike is reading this, I'd like you to know your courier was highly professional and diligent, and I'd also like to thank you for getting me the key.  I think your name is "Danni" but I may be reading the note wrong.]

Unfortunately, not everyone is a highly influential semi-professional bike blogger, and that includes my wife, who also didn't receive her key.  So what were these people supposed to do if they wanted their keys by Monday?  Pick them up their damn selves, that's what:

So yesterday, my wife, one of my seventeen children (my favorite one, the other 16 are a bunch of assholes) and I boarded a subway train and headed downtown to get her key.

(I should point out she didn't really need her key on Monday either, it was just a good excuse to go downtown, and the fact that we ended up doing so only made the poor courier's journey twice as moot.)

At the risk of blowing my massive "street cred," I should point out that the years have been kind to me.  I've come a long way from my humble origins, and I've grown increasingly soft as I enter middle age.  Whereas I grew up in a relatively affluent community adjacent to the city line, I now reside in a different relatively affluent community adjacent to the city line.  Therefore, I was shocked when I emerged from the subway in Union Square and encountered this assortment of "street toughs:"


This is a common sight in Manhattan shortly after the end of the spring semesters at Bard and Sarah Lawrence.  You'll notice that this is an ideal spot for soliciting donations from people getting on and off the subway and then going across the street to spend those donations at Whole Foods.  You may also notice that the guy with the pointy hair is wearing Nikes, which I really hope he found in the trash:


Back in my day, if you had pointy hair you were supposed to eschew products from giant mega-corporations--though I suppose the one with the Pepsi gets a pass, if only because Pepsi is part of punk rock history:


Incidentally, I harnessed the power of the Internet to see if PepsiCo was guilty of any human rights violations (besides owning Pizza Hut, which arguably qualifies), and I found this on a popular user-edited e-encyclopedia:

Criticism

PepsiCo has drawn criticism for collaborating with biotech companies that use technology originally derived from human fetuses in order to develop new food products.

I have no idea what that means, but just for the record I'm staunchly against forcing fetuses to take the "Pepsi Challenge."

Fortunately I succeeded in running the gauntlet of voluntary street urchins without either being solicited for donations or called a fascist breeder and made it to the Citi Bike tent:


Where at least one person was clearly so fucking psyched that he was packing a helmet and wearing his fastest "speed sweatpants:"


Meanwhile, my son Wildcat Rock Machine VIII was getting antsy, so while my wife waited for her key I took him over to the playground, where at least one little girl was wearing this t-shirt:


Yep, those $20K-a-year preschools can get pretty anarchic, but these kids have to learn how to skulk around in Union Square somewhere.

Why someone is not yet marketing a GG Allin-themed t-shirt for toddlers is beyond me:


I'd get in touch with his estate, but I'm afraid someone might throw feces at me.

Anyway, it wasn't long before my wife got her key and joined us at the playground, just in time to break up a typical playground fight.  (Some kid totally cut me on the slide, it was MY TURN!!!)  Next, we headed off to get Wildcat Rock Machine VIII's septum pierced, and then we boarded a subway train back to Lob's Country.  Alas, we did not sample the bike share, because while personally I have no issue with carrying a helmentless child under my arm as I ride, I'm pretty sure that would land me on the front page of the Post.  (Headline: "BIKE SCARE: Hipster Uses Toddler As Battering Ram.")  I did see others taking to the streets though, and none of them were riding on the sidewalk, salmoning, or using their helmentless children as weapons:


I do have some "business" in the gentriverse tomorrow though, so I'm looking forward to sharing some bike then.

In the meantime, if you need me, I'll be in my hazmat suit, negotiating with GG Allin's attorneys, Doody, Lipschitz, & Brownstein.

65 comments:

2wheeler said...

Wow

Kenny said...

AND THAT'S HOW A BILL BECOMES A LAW!

Tom said...

Poodium? Welcom back from Canada. We missed you.

Anonymous said...

Keep your anger righteous, Wildcat.

Anonymous said...

wheeeeee

Tom said...

Also,

Yeah, that article is clearly in terrible taste. Also, nice logic. Non-sequitur much, bpaddock?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Top ten!

Anonymous said...

KNEEL BEFORE ZOD.

Marcel Da Chump said...

I need a Key to the Citi.

logbig said...

STRAVA!!!

Serial Retrogrouch said...

i was ran over by citibike this morning!

theEel said...

weed.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Look on the bright side tomorrow's Wednesday all ready.

babble on said...

Good day, peeps!

Serial Retrogrouch said...

you are well versed in the gentriverse, seƱor.

DerZoots said...

Top TWOONTY agains!

Lucky your city is a city and the sidewalk is so crowded that dinguses cannot bikeshare cycle on them.

Not so with the village town of Boston the chipped shoulder set calls the city of Boston. Bike share here and there on the sidingwalk in the walk lane or in the park of no bikes.

People with money do seem to be the problem where ever I go.



conscience bySyntr

mikeweb said...

'Ghostbusters' was an awesome movie.

babble on said...

I missed you yesterday, Wildcat. Welcome back.

Hey! I have a soul, too! But unlike you, I also have a pussy. And these days I really like to play with it! xo xo

the Commentariat said...

Hey Babble, this isn't Cleveland. You can't keep the pussy locked up in a cage like that...

leroy said...

Well now this is odd.

I saw at least a dozen folks commuting on Citibikes this morning and yet somehow the world has not ended.

I'll have to thank the DOT guys on First Avenue and 20th Street holding signs in the bike lane saying "stop" on one side and "wrong way" on the other.

The King of shopping in Park Slope said...

At least they're not loitering across from my Whole Foods.

Wiener, Wiener, he's Our Man, if he can't do it, no one can said...

I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener...

Roille Figners said...

Another good word for street toughs: "hooligans." A favorite of my diminutive former boss, a Sri Lanka native, who used to be afraid to stay at work too late because of all the "hooligans" on the train at that hour.

ken e. said...

PUNK ROCK

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Top XXX!!

Buffalo Bill said...

Wildcat,
I don't think you should be calling any of your kids assholes. I mean, they might actually be assholes, but hearing it from their dad will surely cement that personality in place.

I may not be a robot but: obtsays exist?

ChamoisJuice said...

POOP JOKE

mikeweb said...

I find that 2 to 3 year olds make the best battering rams. By this time the fontenelle has been replaced by tough healthy bone. A diet high in calcium also helps.

jayteepee said...

That Daily News article is truly disgusting, but please don't give that twatwaffle any ideas about Portland. We already have enough of them here.

here uallyyg. Amazing, as these were the first words out of my mouth this morning.

Yarpo said...

How do you know what MY BEST INTERESTS ARE?

Thanks for the Suicidal Tendencies Snob, it made my breakfast taste better in a thrashy sort of way.

jayteepee: Thanks for twatwaffle, my favorite new word. Works well with fuckstick both in front or behind (fuckstick-twatwaffle or twatwaffle-fuckstick). I know because I just tried it out.

Babble: very nice pussy!

P. Bateman said...

so, forgot to mention weeks ago that the citi bike share thing has been going on here in charlotte since back in september and it didn't really cause any big fuss, people use heck out of the bikes, some people might wear helmats, but others do not wear them, and i'd say generally they serve their purpose and could be deemed a success.

just a fun fact. i've never used them but was just reminded of them today when i saw some folks out riding at lunch.

too bad you NYC yankee inbred hillbilly bastards can't figure it out.

Anonymous said...

9.95 24 hours with unlimited 30 minutes rides. useless for locals and fine for tourists if you want to spend your day riding back and forth between docks. If your commute is under 30 minutes and you happen to have a dock near your apartment and work and think spending $10 a day to commute is a good deal than maybe this is useful for commuting. problem for most of us the answer to at least 2 of these questions is no. again, good for tourists I suppose. I am not looking forward to the time in the near future where some poor soul is hit by a car riding one though so the dipshits at the post or daily news and print a hard hitting "see I told you so" article.

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Dooth said...

I dislike Muhammad Khalid.

Comment deleted said...

Is that ZOD that somebody is kneeling before in that pic?

Home with a sick kid today, and laughing, thanks.

Anonymous said...

http://forward.com/articles/177405/the-creeping-jewish-fundamentalism-in-our-midst/?p=all

-Plutarco.

leroy said...

Anon 2:20PM --

I bet you'll change your tune when you learn that my dog is offering maps to the stars' homes in Brooklyn keyed to the Citi Bike dock stations.

He can let you have a prototype map at a discount.

You don't mind crayon, do you?

Today would have been a perfect day to commute by Citi Bike. Come in to mid-town in the nice weather in the morning and not think about riding home between thunderstorms this evening.

Anonymous said...

PUN KROCK

Roille Figners said...

In other Citi Bike related news, Obama visited the Jersey coastline to highlight its recovery efforts since Sandy, which made landfall last year despite the future existence of New York's controversial Citi Bike system; Maurice Jones-Drew of the Jacksonville Jaguars was accused of battery while not riding a Citi Bike; the Zimmerman trial in Florida will go on as scheduled thanks in no way to the Citi Bike bike-sharing program; and a train instead of a Citi Bike derailed near Baltimore and burst into flame.

CommieCanuck said...

Well, it's obvious that cyclist was murdered by Citi Bike. Thankfully, we have Robs Fords protecting us from this happening in Toronto. Bikes should be banned, they are impossible to ride on crack.

Someone died today.
"oh, how tragic..."
He wasn't wearing helment
"oh, fuck him, then."

That's why war heros wear helments.
semper fudge

Robs Fords said...

If you take the seat tube and the steerer tube out, Citi Bikes make great crack pipes.

CommieCanuck said...

The planet hit critical threshold C02 levels just as the Citi Bike programs started. Coincidence? I think not.
Way to go, Citi bike, you made Al Gore cry.

McFly said...

Regarding the blonde with the Yankees Baseball jacket on. Did you find out if the CARPET=DRAPES? I took my boy road by cycling in LBL Saturday. He was sucking and I told him he was sucking. It's because he was sucking.

crosspalms said...

Bart Simpson wants to know if your lawyers also represent Seymour Butz.

Perry said...

Dear Snob - Given your professed hatred for Robba the Fords, I must note that you have been surprisingly quiet regarding the on-going Robba the Fords crack/murder saga. Speaking for myownself, I am heartily enjoying the schadenfreude.

BTW, my captcha words were nedoped van. I am hoping that Robba may soon be living in a nedoped van down by the river.

Anonymous said...

Snob, you are officially a Bronxite when you refer to Manhattan as "downtown".

Anonymous said...

~via Rex Cohas

I am at a lose for a smutty double-intender...

leroy said...

My dog wishes to point out that he and his riding buddies have peed where those young street toughs were reclining.

Of course, this being NYC, a more interesting question would be: who hasn't peed there?

dnk said...

Mr. Bike Snob,

A really fine post today.

Anonymous said...

I want to see a picture of your wife.

(iformca seeing)

Poppa Wheelie said...

The 2nd CitiBike has it's fork on backwards

paulb said...

Also, those blue bikes are not slow. Or at least the girl on the blue bike I was tailing on the Manh bridge last night was not slow.

Matt said...

I do like Twatwaffle-Fuckstick. It sounds like a posh English last name. First name would have to be something poncy like Nigel or Julian.

for dfplop <--proving I'm not a robot

ce said...

In a hurry. Could only skim over today's post. Something about joining a swingers club.

McFly said...

Why does a NYC Bed, Bath and Beyond stock massive milk-bones? Is that part of their "Beyond" inventory. Around here ours just have lotions and salves.

And a few LOOOOFaaaaaaa's.

mikeweb said...

For Commie Canuck. And anyone else who needs reassuring.

Anonymous said...

It appears the driver who hit the cyclist is a doctor, at least by the "MD" on the license plate.

Thorny said...

The more accurate headline would be- " cyclist was a killed by a motorist". The car does not drive itself.

mikeweb said...

@Thorny,

In other news, Robba the Fords becomes high as crack smoke forces it's way into his lungs.

George said...

I heard about that biotech and fetus stuff with regard to Pepsi Co. Regardless of what anyone thinks, the cola is good and I'll still be serving it at home and drinking it while I bike around the city.

robertsonscott said...

Great post! Made me chuckle a few times!

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