Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Mercredi is the French word for the day Wednesday and is named after the Roman Deity Mercury.

First, I want to remind you that I'll be appearing absolutely nowhere anytime soon:


(Intergalactic supernova black hole space vacuum, where I might as well be for the foreseeable future as far as anybody's concerned.)

Maybe at some point if I get really bored and lonely I'll go hang out at a bridge somewhere and give copies of my book away (which I realize sounds like something you might do before actually jumping off of said bridge, which I don't plan to do, since no matter how bad things get at least I don't live in Cleveland) but otherwise you might as well forget that I have a corporeal existence.

I think I speak for everybody when I say that this is a tremendous relief.

Secondly, this:



Clearly, at least some members of the Hasidic community want to play up their endearingly comic Mel Brooksian image:


While simultaneously downplaying the bike-hating thug image that has been gaining momentum as of late:



I should stress that I am in no way implying that this man represents the entire Hasidic community, which I suppose is the point of the "Unite the Beards" video, but frankly some of this explanation is unnecessary.  For example, this:
Uh, nobody thinks they're different.  They're both insular groups who all dress the same, and whom the rest of the city mostly just sees as a bunch of nerds.  Whether it's in the name of "G-d" or in the name of artisanal cocktails is incidental.  I realize the hipsters and the Hasidim think their disagreements take on the ethno-nationalist proportions of "The Troubles" or the disputes over the West Bank, but I can assure them that to the rest of us it's basically like watching the kid from the chess club arguing with the kid in the "Star Trek" shirt over the technical specifications of the Millennium Falcon.

Nevertheless, they even had an "Ask A Jew!" segment:
Looks like we missed it, but given the mindset and background of the typical hipster I imagine the first and only inquiry was, "So, like, do you guys really have sex through a sheet?," after which everybody just shrugged because they didn't have any more questions and went home.

The other big news in Williamsburg is that the people who moved there two (2) years ago and think Jews have sex through a sheet don't like the people who hang out in Williamsburg now:


"The people who actually live on this block don't go to these places. I don't go to the Wythe, I don't go to Output," said Wythe Avenue resident Kate, 26, who declined to give her last name but said she'd lived on the stretch for the past two years and was dismayed by the changes.

Though to be honest, some of these complaints are warranted, since the neighborhood seems to be drawing European pedophiles:

Within a few minutes, young Italian and Belgian visitors passed by on Wythe Avenue on a recent afternoon.

"I read Williamsburg is one of the youngest parts of New York," said a 26-year-old Italian, David Barco, "so I came here."

Eew.

By the way, I apologize for my insensitive comments about Europeans, and indeed I'm already receiving complaints, although they're not exactly the kind of complaints I expected:


In any case, I'd say that Brooklyn officially became the most annoying place in New York sometime in 2010, and 2013 will officially be remembered as the year it eclipsed Portland, OR and became the most annoying place in the United States.

But when it comes to controversies that have been blown all out of proportion, you can't get more disproportionate than bike share, which is now officially trying to kill old people:


The Post eagerly reported this morning that a 92-year-old man very nearly lost his life after helpless emergency workers became lost in a labyrinth of Citi Bike racks as they tried to rescue the ailing nonagenarian from the 20th floor of his Greenwich Village co-op building.

“The ambulance couldn’t even come up to the building," Lee Liss, the victim's wife, told the tabloid. 
"The ambulance couldn’t get to him. These bike racks are a detriment.”

This would indeed be a serious problem if it wasn't absolute bullshit:

But a quick call to the fire department revealed that this simply wasn't the case—not by a long shot, said Frank Gribbon, an FDNY spokesperson.

"The fire units on scene had absolutely no problem accessing this building," he said. Well, surely paramedics have had trouble maneuvering around other Citi Bike kiosks?

"There have been no problems," Gribbon said, exasperated. "None."

Though the Fire Commissioner himself has a different story:

Contrary to a news report today, FDNY EMT’s had absolutely no problems responding to and providing medical care to a patient on Sunday on West 13th Street in Manhattan. The FDNY has been working closely with DOT on this initiative and we have not experienced any problems nor do we anticipate issues operating at or near bike racks that have been situated on city streets.

Oh, wait, no he doesn't.

It's hard to imagine why it would be more difficult to reach a building with a bike rack in front of it than it is to reach one with a bunch of cars, trucks, vans, and SUVs parked in front of it.  It seems to me that the worst case scenario would be just driving the fire truck right through the fucking bike rack, which would be pretty awesome to watch.

Still, it's important to remember that cyclists are the scum of the earth, and that when they're not trying to kill old people they're murdering ducklings, as forwarded by a reader:


If they would look up and notice the environment around them, maybe there would not be so many accidents or lights run, or the killing of little innocent ducklings trailing behind their mothers.

Actually, it's true, we do ride with our heads down so we don't ride into giant potholes.  However, as we do, it's tough not to notice all the fucking roadkill caused by cars!

Anyway, so what actually happened to the duck?

Ducks were crossing the road on the northwest side of the lake. My sister witnessed one of the riders run over one of the baby ducks and then heard the bicyclist utter a curse word.

The duckling was killed (smashed).

That's a shame.  I'm guessing the curse he uttered was, "Fuck a duck."

It's certainly telling that, on the occasion of a "Ride of Silence to honor those bicyclists who have been injured or killed by motorist[s]," this person's biggest concern is the death of a duck:

I wonder who will have a memorial ride, walk or any other observance for the baby ducks that are killed by cyclists?

Uh, five words, lady:

PORTLAND DEAD DUCK THEME RIDE!!!


And yeah, we'll get around to mourning all the baby ducks killed by cyclists just after we finish honoring all those squirrels:


How Rolf Deitrich and his paired spoke technology have managed to avoid the wrath of PETA for this long is beyond me.

92 comments:

Serial Retrogrouch said...

punted

Anonymous said...

texas scranus

McFly said...

SEEA LICE

ken e. said...

love space, hate hipsters!

Anonymous said...

smoke weed everyday!

DB said...

Nice tits

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Front group finish.

Anonymous said...

i've been riding my bike to jury duty (5 miles each way) and forgot how ridiculously dangerous it is out there. Between the constant threat of dooring, the get-out-of-my-way-I-want-to-make-a-right-on-red honks, and the cars that roar by (just to apply the brakes a few yards later at the red light), it's enough to make one think twice about the whole endeavor.

but my quads and scranus feel good, and it is friggin' FUN! so it is worth it.

thanks BSNYC!

Anonymous said...

What was that thing about Sergio Garcia?

Anonymous said...

KNEEL BEFORE ZOD.

Anonymous said...

Yea Cleveland!

McFly said...

1) Hey buddy how long did it take the Millennium Falcon to do the Kessel Run?

a) 6 months

b) 12 Parsecs

c) Long enough for Chewbacca, Admiral Akbar and Lando Calrissian to run a train on Princess Leya until their Cialis wore off

Serial Retrogrouch said...

fuck a duck... hehe

Serial Retrogrouch said...

fuckin A... i can't tell you how many cats i've seen killed by cars on the roads of brooklyn...

i even a beautiful one get mauled by a hasid driving a minivan... i think he did it purposely because the cat looked like a hipster wearing a beard.

mikeweb said...

DUCK FUKR

Flyover Bike commuter said...

Those bike racks don't look like a labyrinth to me. Maybe a phalanx, a gauntlet, or a skirmish line, but not a labyrinth.

I almost ran into a pack of coyotes last week during my morning commute. They were after some goslings walking along the ditch bank. Nobody but me cared much one way or another.

McFly said...

I kicked a very aggressive Golden Reciever right in the kisser monday and that sumbitch went into a high-speed flat spin. It was awesome. The Lake CX170 shoe is ideal for this activity.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

also, does this new found love affair and ball rubbing between the bearded communities mean that i have to shave mine to absolve myself of any such wankery?

Comment deleted said...

Paired spokes, feh! I wish at this point in time to thank Mikeweb and Ric (and anon, whoever you are) for their recommendations for my new back wheel (36 spoke Mavic, 105 hub). I am well pleased.

Blog Drafter said...

Well, Mercury was the god of eloquence and trading, amongst other things, and you're eloquent and there are those annoying flashing ads on your blog. So it all fits, I guess. Also, he was, along with Hermes, a messenger of the other gods, and here you are proclaiming Lob and all good things Lobish, and also all good things about hisson Jeebbus, too. So it's, like, really fitting.

I find roadkill all the time on my rides. It's strange how dead things can be so defenseless and yet be so relaxed about it, like they really don't give a shit anymore about scurrying around and hiding from us HUUMONNS.

The rest of your post was quite funny as well, etc.

Scranus.

(Perhaps Lobish should be spelt Lobbish. I just don't know.)




mikeweb said...

Unite the beards?

Is that where the wives of Rock Hudson, Tony Randall and Larry Craig all hang out together? Do they invite Chris Carmichael too?

le Correcteur said...

Stopped to read it; lost top twenty.

Oh well; another day.

Go out and kill ducklings, fellow cyclists! Go! Go! And double bonus points on squirrels today, but only if killed with Rolf wheels!

seven Regalax

Anonymous said...

Free Weed! (tomorrow)

mikeweb said...

Comment deleted,

I'm glad I could play a small part in your choice of wheel. If only I was as knowledgable about the female mind....

Anonymous said...

So many beards; so few recumbents.

Bigarade!

DerZoots said...

I am here at the lunching times.
Tri-Sum potato chips are excellent.

Tri-Sum "Original" style potato chips offer you an Olde Fashioned flavor and quality unequaled by any other brand of potato chips.
A New England Tradition since 1908.

I don't know and roman deities or any roman scranusesez.

Doityun May

RoadQueen said...

Although the post was pretty entertaining, I'm just hanging around at this point to see if McFly has anymore Cialis stories/comments.

I about peed my shants over the Star Wars multichoice question.

its gaRegan

le Correcteur said...

Mikeweb,

"Unite the beards" comment: very funny!

I had a capcha of hasededm; I like to think of this as the dual of hasid.

Comment deleted said...

P.S. extra thanks to Ric for the Universal Cycles "wheel builder" pointer. It was very fun to put together exactly the components I wanted.

Although they do tend to fuck you with their shipping. If you live in Portland, this is not a problem (except for the fact that you live in Portland).

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

It's kind of cool how the Intergalactic supernova black hole space vacuum looks very much like dirty water going down a bathtub drain.

db said...

Nice cycloduck GIF....

Anonymous said...

so now the nouveau-douche hipsters in williamsburg are hating on outsiders who are somehow compromising the completely contrived hipness of the neighborhood that they ruined years ago. Fuck me.

Velocodger said...

Yer on fire, WRM. Yer effen Team Movistar today.

McFly said...

Thatssssssssssssssssssss Cialis Kids.....makin' young big-tittied gold-diggin' bimbo's earn their keep since 2007.

Anonymous said...

I live in Washington, DC, where we've had a Bike Share system for the past couple of years. Since the program's inception, the city has descended into utter chaos. Marshall law has been declared, and it's every family for themselves.

The bike stations have evolved an intelligence of their own and have turned on their human overlords. They use the heavy red bikes to murder elderly women and small children by the dozens.

I implore everyone in New York City to do everything they can to stop such an occurrence from happening in your city!

Yarpo said...

Ironic that you put up a photo of Giovanni Visconti (with his Cipo-Assist Bike) on today's post.

Snob, please get out of the bathtub and sit down for I must inform you of a situation that may have you cry in your artisanal vodka-infused Froot Loops. If you know this already then I apologize for upsetting you...here goes: Confirmed! Vladimir Karpets NO LONGER HAS A MULLET!!!!

There are few things we can really depend on in life, and one of them was that Vladimir Karpets was the Last of the Russian Mulleteers. An Era is over. We are all the Meh for it. Please don't take your sacred Vladimir Karpets Memorabilia and hurl it at the sisal rug in anger. I know it hurts, but please don't.

Serial Retrogrouch, Anon 12:27pm, and McFly: Congratulazioni en su Prima, Seconda, e Terza Posizione en il Podio de la Tappa de oggi!

McFly, The FMY (Future Mrs. Yarpo) sends you an air fist-bump for gifting us all, "Vaglia Rosa." It's her new favorite. She's having a break-through year with understanding Italian, using the simple expedient of repeating out loud whatever the announcers on RAI TV are saying, followed by looking things up in the Italian-English Dictionary.

The cats won't participate. They just want updates on whatever Leroy's dog is up to. Apparently they are fans...or Tifosi.

Grande Divertimento!!!

Marcel Da Chump said...

Old news: The NY Post lies.

Anonymous said...

Was Freddy Mercury born on Wednesday? It would would be cool if he was.

Anonymous said...

I live in Bethesda, where the law is just martial, but yes.

CommieCanuck said...

We need more Rob Ford jokes. As of a few hours ago, our cracking Mayor has lawyered up, and the Crackstarter funding is above $110,000.

By the way, in Canadia, if you are a right-wing Mayor and caught smoking crack on video,you can't actually lose your office. Similarly, if you are a right-wing Prime Minister, you can take $300,000 cash in a hotel room for a plane deal, as long as you declare it on your taxes. Line 223, under "sleazy contributions".

balls™ said...

I understand that during the coming Apocalypse, the bike-share racks will be used as caltrops to slow down the U.N. tanks when they come to take our guns.

Where's my tinfoil hat?

Jimboner said...

Taking Mrs. Jimboner to meet the elephants in S. Africa, see you duck fuckers in June!

J-Bird said...

So when do we get to ask how the followers of the almighty Lob have sex?

Anonymous said...

I ran over a caltrop on bicycle, the other day. Smooshed it dead.

Anonymous said...

DEAD DUCK

janinedm said...

Waiting for the NYP story where a Blood gang member kills a tourist for riding a Citi Bike. I know that no one likes flats, but the road kill situation along my 2 favorite routes put me in mortal fear of it. I very rarely get flats (1 in the last 2 years, despite traveling an average of 100 miles/week), but I very nearly threw up when I had to touch my tire. I mean, it doesn't *look* any dirtier than any other tire, but some flattened pigeons cannot be avoided. Moreover, I have ridden in Chinatown. My first stop after the change was Duane Reade for sanitizer. Pretty sure I have bird flu and rat AIDS.

Anonymous said...

Doesn't Wednesday translate to Merdecredi in French?

John K said...

I was on the Ride of Silence around Lake Hollingsworth (Lakeland, Fl). There were no ducks run over. If you don't believe me, I was the (only) person under 40. Also our average speed was slower than that of a duck crossing a road.

McFly said...

Where's Babble? I bet she is busy sorting through the applications for the position of F--k Buddy until she can get back in the love game proper. No one on the Short List is on the Short List. Bless her heart.

Squirrel Hunter said...

Is anyone else concerned that a squirrel appears to be stronger than Trek's fork blades?

Does the UCI need to create a fork strength rating system: Rat, Squirrel, Opossum, Raccoon, Labrador Retriever?

Dooth said...

At first I thought 'poser hipsters' was oxymoronic...on second thought, it's just plain moronic.

leroy said...

What's all this about untying beards in Brooklyn?

Isn't it enough to keep one's beard out of one's soup?

Or is that what the hole in the sheet is really for?

(My dog insists the hole-in-the-sheet canard stems from a Halloween Holy Spirit costume misunderstanding.)

My dog also wishes to point out that it makes his head spin when a Wednesday post combines religious canards, bike share canards, et un canard des canards.

I canardly blame him if he's

"Feeling like a dead duck --
spitting out pieces of his broken luck."

Whoa, aqualung. Indeed.

Comment deleted said...

Leroy, *my* head is spinning after that erudite combination of language-spanning puns and kickass rock and roll.

Kim Jong Un said...

WRM, your photo shop skills are the only thing getting better on this blog. Very nice edits today.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

f#$k ducks... non-kosher foie gras forever!

db said...

@Anon1:32 -- "Marshall law"? Is that a southern rock band that Leroy (or his dog) needs to quote?

dnk said...

ditto what Mr. Comment Deleted said

Comment deleted said...

For some reason, Snob does his best work on Wednesday.

Or maybe everything just *seems* funnier on Wednesday.

Comment deleted said...

"Marshall Law...John Law."


"Yeah, I get that a lot."

Comment deleted said...

What a win-win this Rob Ford thing is. Not only is it like the best schadenfreude evar, we get to have Commie Canuck as our on-the-scene correspondent.

Commie, you need to visit more often, is all I'm say ing.

crosspalms said...

It was raining today, but I took the bike anyway. Sorry, bus. Maybe next time.

I think McFly has discovered the star-spangled boner, thanks to the drug that gives proof through the night that our flag is still there.

Anonymous said...

I've lived in my neighborhood for 12 years and have never set foot in the 3 nearby bars. They're all dives, and I don't mean hipster "dives". Does that make me like a Brooklyn hipster?

colavitos_ghost said...

you don't live in cleveland.

yet.

Roille Figners said...

The hilpsters from 10 minutes ago are like totally pissed at the hilpsters from 5 minutes ago! What's next, dour authors saying the same thing and claiming to be bohemian while everyone else is terribly transactional and has shitty spondee?

As Mario finished up, the geisha was heard to say "Domo arigato,

cipersu san

Anonymous said...

Why has no one commented that that supernova black hole space vacuum looks a lot like uranus?

Anonymous said...

Queens

Folding bikes

Offspring

babble on said...

ohmyfuckinggodiloveyouilaughedsohard

mmm

next best thing to an orgasm

sigh

that's why i keep coming back

thank you!

Serial Retrogrouch said...

yes... next best thing to orgasm is sarcasm!

Lumpen fredetariat said...

Babble, I bet you say that to all the guys. Did those mmissing GF freds show up in BC yet?

A Long Time Ago, in a Piece of Ass Far Far Away said...

McFly: Has to be "C". Because Bradley Wiggins told us what "C" stands for. Circumcised Evidence #2, we all saw the Goo-Goo Eyes Princess Heehaw (or whatever her name is) was flashing Jabba the Fords when he had her chained up in that slave girl outfit (did you catch the size of that guys tongue). So Admiral Ackbar and Chewy are naturals.

Anonymous said...

The English are so enlightened:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-22614569

I love the comments.

Comment deleted said...

Anonymous, thanks for the link (but notice how much nicer it is this way: BBC News on the war between drivers and cyclists

Frothing drivers would be much more credible if they didn't always resort to an impossible composite to represent obnoxious bicyclists:

"Willson is sympathetic to the plight of cyclists. But an aggressive minority have become a metaphor for everything drivers hate. 'They're dressed exclusively in Lycra and wraparound shades, they ride on the pavement, go the wrong way down one-way streets and straight through red lights. And that's why motorists hate them.'"

Who are these lycra-clad Freds that are so often seen on the "pavement" (sidewalk to us colonials)?

Vegas said...

re: "flipsters"

see:
The Cure - Jumping Someone Else's Train

ouvgned way

Grump said...

Snobby, you missed the story of the year. Yuppy Terrorists attack Bike Share.

Maybe tomorrow...
.
.
http://www.theatlanticwire.com/technology/2013/05/citibike-backlash/65496/

Angie Kritenbrink said...

Are there no women in these communities? (where the beards want to get along) Or are the women in Brooklyn also bearded now?

McFly said...

I am pretty sure Chewy was banging her back door while Lando was getting his knob slobbed. She made that creepy ass Admiral Akbar go jack off in a gun turret cause he would not quit getting excited and spitting all over everyone.

Went on a small spirited group ride and bonked at the 25 mile mark. Then I remembered I did not eat any lunch which I TOTALLY EXPLAINED TO EVERYONE REPEATEDLY when they waited up on my slow ass. I also complained about my knee and adjusted my seat height for forms sake.

leroy said...

McFly -- at least you didn't keep clipping out to scratch yourself with your foot while complaining about fleas. That doesn't fool anyone.

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babble on said...

Nope. If 4000 Freds had shown up I surely would have noticed...

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Anonymous said...

Snob,

Kindlyublish your blog at a time when us folks in Japan have a reasonable shot at podiuming..

How about a BRA in Tokyo? Lots of clown bikes here..

McFly said...

This is a pretty cool short story.

Pavlov's Dog, Distant Cousin of Leroy's Dog said...

Zahid@12:01, I'm drooling for some "hot pictures" of Babble that are also "entertaining pictures". Could you combine those two elements and arrange such a production? I'm thinking maybe a black & white film noirish motion picture would be real pleasurable. Please post how much compensation you would require in order to direct such an opus. Please rush your response, I'm panting at the prospect already.

Martin A said...

Angie@9:32: All the Brooklyn Babes have beards now. They all look like Toulouse Lautrec. All posers.

I have a #2 Bike Even Older Than That One said...

McFly: Good read, thanks for the link.

Robba the Hut as Running Mate? said...

NYT On-Line has a video titled "Waiting for Weiner". Honest.

Someone other than McFly had to say it said...

Robba,

Are you sure that isn't babble's latest blog post?

McFly said...

Yeah it kind of hit home with me. I have an old Raleigh Competition #2 that I rode my way out of pill addiction on. I cannot bring myself to part with it. Its been used to lure a couple of mates into the Rode Bikeen Game.

Brady Dale said...

I have never been so mad as I was watching that video you posted of the guys stopping that guy riding home.
Pretty sure I ride thereabouts all the time. WTF.

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Cuyahoga Swan Dive

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