Dunne Deal: Cog-spiracy Theory

In "curating" this blog, I generally endeavor to be humorous, but there is a time for laughter and then there is a time for whatever the opposite of laughter is. (It's a common misconception that crying is the opposite of laughter, but many scientists now believe its opposite is actually sneezing and farting at the same time.) This is one of those times. In fact, I'm sneezing and farting even as I type this, for I have recently uncovered a government conspiracy so insidious it makes the Kennedy assassination look like a half-assed game of three-card monty.

Submitted, the following article, which I recently noticed on the Urban Velo:

So what does this mean? I'll tell you what it means. It means the government plans to make cassettes prohibitively expensive in a diabolical attempt to force everybody to ride "fixies:"

"So why would they want to do that?," you ask. Well, to truly understand why you also have to understand the government--also known as "the Man," who will be played in this post by acclaimed actor Griffin Dunne:

Here's what we know:

FACT

Located in Washington, DC, the government consists of three branches: the legislative, executive, and judicial:

FACT

Of the "people" who comprise the three branches, the legislative and executive are all extraterrestrials, while the judicial are hyper-intelligent lizard people who hail from the lost continent of Atlantis:

(Associate Justice of the Supreme Court Antonin Scalia)

That last fact explains not only the so-called "scales" of justice, but also lends additional insight into the controversial "Mothra vs. Godzilla" decision of 1961.

FACT

The government hates bicycles, because they know that David Byrne holds the key to solving the world's energy crisis on which the extraterrestrials and the lizard people depend in order to keep humankind in their thrall, and also because he doesn't own a car:

("I own a car. No, just kidding, I really don't.")

Nice one, Mr. Byrne. You had me going there for a second.

So why would Griffin Dunne, in his best performance since he played Johnny Dangerously's kid brother in the 1984 comedy smash "Johnny Dangerously," want people to ride fixies instead of grown-up bikes with multiple gears? Well, by secretly fostering fixed-gear riding while outwardly condemning its thin veneer of rebellion, he/they/it will gradually eliminate us all through hillbombing "accidents" and alleycat "mishaps."

"Back in the day," if a government operative wanted to get rid of you, he'd sabotage your brakes. Now, the government's just brainwashing us all into not even installing the things in the first place.

Meanwhile, both here and abroad, the Forces of Fixiedom remain tragically oblivious to their fate. For example, a reader informs me that a London hipster has recently performed the world's most "epic" elephant trunk skid:

I guess this is what those fixed-gear freestylers mean when they talk about "progression."

By the way, if you look closely, you'll notice a rather nonplussed dog:

I'm assuming the owner has placed him there for scale.

By the way, if you've ever dreamed of owning your very own giant clown bike, now you can, for a number of readers have informed me that Crate and Barrel is now selling bicycles:


Not only that, but the "street-cred" comes standard:

Nothing says "street-cred" like "designed by republic bikes." Republic Bikes is to "street-cred" as "if it rains take the bus" is to "epic."

But as excited as I was by the clown bikes, I was even more excited by this sick-ass deal on galvanized planters in the DeLorean colorway:

I simply must "swoop" me some of those, yo. (In the world of hipster consumerism, when a company "drops" something it is your job to "swoop" it immediately.) Then, once they arrive, I will place a bunch of artisanal axes in them at jaunty angles, kind of like umbrellas. And speaking of axes, I recently noticed that the Best Made Douchery Factory has switched suppliers:

Previously, Best Made had been bedazzling a $50-ish dollar Snow & Neally Hudson Bay Camping Axe (I was informed of this by various readers--I know about as much about axes as I do about shrimp-sexing, which is to say nothing), but now they're using some company called Council Tools:

The Best Made American Felling Axe was designed in New York City
by Best Made Company, who worked hand-in-hand with Council Tools—a legendary fourth-generation American axe maker—to fabricate and revive the incomparable and quintessential American tool from the ground up, to our exact specifications. The polished high carbon American steel was selected by Best Made Company and drop forged by skilled Council Tool blacksmiths at their venerable forge on the shores of Lake Waccamaw, North Carolina. The pattern of the head is a traditional design known as the Dayton pattern, selected by Best Made because it is a time-tested icon of the American axe industry. The 35" Appalachian hickory helve was designed by Best Made and its slender, elegant properties insure that it will provide utmost efficiency and safety.

The Best Made fey hipser Axe of Idiocy apparently uses Council Tools's "Dayton pattern," and while you can also buy an axe in this pattern from Council Tools, the most you'll be able to pay for it is like $65:

It also won't be cursorily sanded by a gigantic douchebag:

"So what does this have to do with bikes?," you may be asking. Well, firstly, the Best Made CED (Chief Executive Douchebag) is an extraterrestrial. Secondly, Best Made's website now features cycling content, and it's only a matter of time before they "drop" some sort of cycling product or accessory for your "swooping" satisfaction. Here's how you ride the Best Made way:

So what is intuition exactly?

Intuition is a derivative of instinct, meaning it’s a natural state of behavior and requires no special training. Whether it can be improved upon is disputable, but often times—aside from the occasional light or dark beer dilemma—it remains idle in the comfort and convenience of everyday life.

Yes, intuition "remains idle in the comfort and convenience of everyday life"--assuming of course your everyday life is contrived, faux, overpriced, and bedazzled, like a Best Made axe. The rest of us rely on it daily, since it's quite helpful for mundane stuff like, oh, I dunno, riding your bike to work without getting killed.

But riding your bike to work is not the Best Made Way. The Best Made Way is taking stylized vacations from your stylized life, and using your intuition to find the optimum moment to buy a harmonica:

Following a hunch isn’t strictly reserved for dire circumstance. It can be tapped in situations as simple as making a quick pit stop at a small music shop to purchase a harmonica.

All You Haters Blow My Mouth Organ.

You won't find the time-traveling t-shirt-wearing retro-Fred from the planet Tridork stopping during his ride in order to buy a harmonica. Maybe--maybe--he'd consider buying a keytar, but that's as contrived as he's likely to get. By the way, another reader informs me that our friend can not only travel through time, but he can also change his "colorway" like a chameleon, as you can see in the advertisement below:


Not only is he now sporting a smart Performance catalog-esque jersey, but he's also willed his drivetrain onto the left-hand side of his bicycle:

A-meh-zing.

Indeed, so ubiquitous is our friend that I keep expecting him to get a Craigslist "missed connection." It hasn't happened yet, but I did think this one was noteworthy:


brown sweater getting burrito or maybe taco; glasses angular nose - w4m - 24 (williamsburg bedford ave)
Date: 2011-03-22, 9:57PM EDT

i rode my bike down bedford ave after work, taking in the scenery, and saw you, a HOT DUDE, hot enough to leave such an impression on a fleeting ride past the endless summer truck. you were wearing a brown sweater, had circular glasses (?), brown hair, an angular nose (see: subject line), and looked like how i imagined "COLLEGE T.A." types would look while in middle school. were you getting a taco? a burrito? a red jarrito? i will perhaps never know...

I think it's fairly obvious from the description who that "HOT DUDE" is:


In fact, I actually considered turning her in, since Craigslist now includes the following in their "missed connections" posts:

Please report suspected exploitation of minors to the appropriate authorities

But then I remembered that Harry Potter is like 35 now and can most likely fend for himself.