Monday, January 17, 2011

Early Birds: Putting the "Pro" in Procrastination

"A stitch in time saves nine;" "Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today;" "Today's epidermophyton floccosum is tomorrow's tinea cruris"--all of these are popular sayings that warn of the dangers of procrastination. And nobody is more aware of the dangers of procrastination than professional cyclists, who must begin working towards their seasonal athletic goals and fleshing out their positive test result excuses many months in advance. Moreover, while it's never too early to start training, it's also never too early to start putting your foot in your mouth, which is why I was pleased to see that Andy and Frank Schleck of the LAY-oh-pard Trek professional bicycling pro cycling team are already sizing up their potential Tour de France rivals:


For his part, Andy Schleck sees his chief rival as Ivan Basso, though he also cites Denis Menchov and Cadel Evans:

"I think that the main rival will be Ivan Basso. Denis Menchov and Cadel Evans will be there too," he said.

In other words, on the Schleckian feline rival-rating scale, Basso gets a full five snarling LAY-oh-pards:


While Menchov rates four:


As does Evans:


On the other hand, the Schlecks were dismissive of both Carlos Sastre and Alexandre Vinokourov:

Two riders that both brothers discounted as yellow jersey hopefuls were Carlos Sastre and Alexandre Vinokourov.

When asked about the Kazakh, Andy said, "Honestly I don't think he can do it. I believe the climbs are just too hard for him. I think he can win stages, take yellow, but he cant' take it to Paris."


I was surprised to see them write off the solipsistic Vino, a dynamic and unpredictable rider who surely deserves more than a mere half a LAY-oh-pard:


Though it is hard to argue with their assessment of Sastre, whose Schleckian ranking of three (3) fierce pussies (pronounced "fee-AIRSE poo-SAYS") will certainly strike most cycling fans as being fairly accurate:


Speaking of fierce pussies, according to local media the reign of terror that is the Great NYPD Bicycle Crackdown continues unabated, and since we're now living under martial law I've been riding with the sort of docility not seen since Carlos Sastre's last Grand Tour performance. This might make me a "woosie," but the "epic" horror stories are already pouring in and I have no intention of doing anything to arouse the ire of the police, like these people have:


One of them even wound up in jail:

On Wed. January 5th I was stopped riding my bicycle on Grand and Roebling without Back reflector and headlight. In panic and outrage at a ticket for laws I haven't heard about, I made a mistake to continue riding. Police car hit my bike into the snow. At that point, I took out my wallet and offered an id. Police officer screamed "now you are going to jail." Without Any other explanation, he twisted my arm to the point of pain. I started screaming, trying To call attention to the violance. However, I did not fight back or run, just tried to resist My arm being broken. More policemen twisted both of my arms and pushed me on the Ground, face down into the garbage bags. At that point I realized they wanted my hands for Handcuffs behind my back. However I was never told that and had no idea how handcuffs operate, Having never been handcuffed in my live. After this, I was taken to the precinct and spend 24 Hours in jail. Jail had 15 women in about 15 by 20 room with floor space for 10 matts, an open toilet, no soap, dirty floors and matts that were not disinfected and dirty, cockroaches, mice, and rats. There was a sign on the wall "soap avaialable upon request." However, upon request, the guard said that there is no soap and the sign was just put up for inspection.I was released on a half a year Hold, found not guilty and given one day of community service I don't exactly know why. To complete The picture of the police actions against me, I would like to add that I am a 33 year old woman, 5.1 in height, who has never been arrested before. After this I am not so sure about ride safely....

I'm as outraged by this story as anybody, but at the same time I think that every adult in New York City needs to know two things about riding bikes:

1) You need to use lights on your bike at night;

2) When the police pull you over to give you a ticket, regardless of what kind of vehicle you're piloting, stay put and take the ticket. It's still only a piece of paper at that point, and there will be ample opportunity later to appeal the summons, put the entire system on trial in traffic court, and share your indignity with other sympathetic souls on Streetsblog. Giving the police any kind of excuse is like dropping your chain when Alberto Contador's around--you can be sure they're going to use it against you, and you can also be sure they'll come up with some sort of half-assed rationale for it afterwards.

Still, while this cyclist may have tempted fate, it's a depressing tale, and if any good comes of it hopefully it's that other riders will at least manage to avoid the same fate. By the way, if you haven't already figured it out by now, "Bike Friendly NYC 2.0" works like this:

1) The DOT paints big green lanes for you and hands out free bike lights;

2) When you fail to use those lights, the NYPD throws you in jail.

Absurd perhaps, but I suppose there's a cruel logic to it. Even so, it's getting hard to tell whether, as a cyclist, the city loves me or hates me. I wish they'd make up their mind already, and if they hate me I'd be more than happy to leave if they would pay for my relocation expenses. Actually, the city could probably transplant the entire cycling population to Portland for less than they're spending on this bizarre cycle of punitive coddling. Somebody should put some sort of spreadsheet in front of the mayor.

The real tragedy though is that this harrowing story is unlikely to deter the legions of hipsters who ride lightless and brakeless in New York City, since her description of the jail cell sounds exactly like their apartments in Bushwick (right down to the ironic "soap available on request" sign), and the only difference is that they're spending $1,500 a month to live in them.

Meanwhile, in other unfortunate cycling news, a number of readers have informed me that an astronaut was recently injured in a bike accident:


When a "normal" person gets hurt, the first question everyone asks is, "Is he OK?" However, when a cyclist gets hurt, all anybody wants to know is, "Was he wearing a helmet?" so I'm sure some smugmonger will use this photo against him:

Clearly Kopra is one of those "rocket chic" astronauts who prefers to go without a helmet--as is his right--and I wouldn't be surprised if he even participates in the occasional Jules Verne-inspired "tweed mission:"

("Rocket chic" astronauts prove it's possible to look fabulous while visiting the Moon in their Dutch city capsule.)

Only total astro-Freds wear spacesuits. In any case, here's wishing Kopra a speedy recovery.

But while space travel may be impressive, it's nowhere near as amazing as time travel, and you may recall the "time-traveling t-shirt-wearing retro-Fred from the planet Tridork" who recently appeared in a Perform pain reliever ad in VeloNews:


Well, he's apparently been flitting about the space-time continuum like a Portlander prancing around a cyclocross course, for a reader informs me he's also promoting the 2011 Grand Rapids Triathlon:


And if that weren't astounding enough, another reader called "Tito the Helper Monkey" spotted him in an ad for prescription sunglasses in this morning's The Advertiser, a newspaper in Adelaide, South Australia:

Is there anything this guy can't sell, and are there any laws of physics strong enough to prevent him from doing so? I used to think time travel was impossible, but when I saw that last ad I felt like Madeleine Stowe in "12 Monkeys" when she sees Bruce Willis in that World War I photograph, and it would not surprise me in the least to see him turn up in some pennyfarthing ad from the 19th century. Even more amazingly, it seems as though "fixie" riders may also be attempting to unlock the secret of time travel, for another reader recently forwarded me the following video:

City of Rewind (Jakarta Fixed Gear) from Rudy Satria on Vimeo.

Clearly, he believes that by straddling the bike backwards while riding it he can reverse the passage of time and travel back to the 1980s when his disgusting DayGlo palate was socially acceptable and didn't make everybody want to throw up.

Meanwhile, yet another reader forwarded me the following entry from the Seoul Cycle Design Competition which suggests that other riders are attempting to unleash the tremendous cycling potential of "Bird Fooking:"


In the designer's own words:

”BIRD FOOKING" is alternative carrier. Your favorite bag is to carrier. Put it on your free position. And,you can fook anything,bag,umbrella,drink bottle, and so on.

Sure, this makes little sense, but honestly, who hasn't tried to fook a bottle at one time or another?

86 comments:

Anonymous said...

!

Anonymous said...

2nd

max said...

podium!

i AM THE EARLY ENGINE said...

IN EARLY SNOBBY.

gOOD FOR YOU.

Nogocyclist said...

Top Ten anyway.

PawnShop said...

Meh.

Lantern Rouge said...

Top 10!

Anonymous said...

+8 minutes. My race is fooking over.

theEel said...

topteneel!

Not Fixed said...

Another 2:48 of wasted time in my life. Fooking Sucks

Kenny Banya said...

Fooked gear

Les Bianczik said...

I guess cycling news didn't get the memo:
"In written communication, LEOPARD TREK must be set in all caps."

Martin Erzinger said...

Reflectors and lights are for woosies.

Mouthy chick, gets more time than me. That is justice.

Nogocyclist said...

Sure hope the song used in the Video of the hipster riding the bike in the wrong position is not actually prophetic.

"Dead boys are going out tonight..."

Anonymous said...

15 is good.?!?!?!!?

Anonymous said...

My favorite is "never put of until tomorrow what will wait to the day after."

Anonymous said...

Top 20?

No Liz Hatch today?

Anonymous said...

all you haters fook my bird

Buffalo Bill said...

Thanks for expanding my vocabulary once again snob, although after looking up tinea cruris on wikipedia I have to say: that is fooked up.

Anonymous said...

"Punitive coddling"--my life in a nutshell. All You Haters Fook My Bird!

leroy said...

I have heard of flipping the bird, but not fooking a bottle.

But I think Martin Mull once observed: "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."

Nothing about fooking though.

Neil said...

some people LIKE a bit of punitive coddling

samh said...

Fooking jock itch.

Anonymous said...

Fookin' 'ell man, he's gan aal Geordie...!

Hope it wears off, otherwise you'll be going out in the snow wearing jeans and a t-shirt with yer tabs in the rolled up shirt sleeve.

hey nonny mouse.

Luke said...

I need to go run some errands but I'm actually a bit wary of going anywhere besides the prospect park loop on my bike because of this police action. Though I read on twitter a few days ago that cops were giving out tickets for "running" red lights inside the park too.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

oh lob, please protect me...

... forgot my keys today and my raleigh fop-chariot's only defense against pilferage is the fact that is NEAR a bike rack with a cable wrapped around it so it looks like it locked.

3 and 1/2 hours to go

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

also, I'd like my "it" and "is" back, please

Marcel Da Chump said...

Police acton: cop on scooter pulled up so close to me that our front wheels latched on. He didn't slow down! No, he
accelarated, ripping my Nishihi Olympic out from under me.
i'm airbone as I watch him drive off and crash into light pole.. I was riding uptown on Churct St in front of the WTC..
I landed flat on my back facing downton with my messenger bag full of packages cushioning my head. This took place in May of 1990. Seems like the good old days are coming back.

Anonymous said...

Palette rather than palate I think, unless his uraniscus is actually DayGlo.

Quicksquirt McHurt said...

Procrastination is a lot like masturbation: it feels good while you do it, but ultimately you just end up fooking yourself.

Anonymous said...

Wow.. I couldn't even get 30 seconds into that fixie video before it became too painful to watch. BMXers have been doing all those tricks for waaaaaaay longer and look waaaaay more graceful. Damn, hipsters need to go steal the identies of some other sport.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Quicksquirt doesn't usually say much but when he does its profound.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Back in the 90s our PD got a fleet of MTB patrol bikes. We asked them to the trail for a group ride. They never rode with us anymore after that. Good times.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I saw a woodpecker in a tree in my backyard this weekend.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

All you haters fook my pecker.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Wiki says epidermophyton floccosum may be transmitted to humans by squirrels. Thats wierd.

Ralph Nader said...

Mr. Snob Thank you for pointing out that Mr. Kopra was not wearing a helmet. I will be speaking to NASA about this clear violation of cycling's unwritten safety regulations

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

update:

nobody wants that stupid bike

1 hour to go

Anonymous said...

I see you riding 'round town with the girl I love
And I'm like fook you-u-u

Portlandpeopleeater said...

Wow. I love watching 2 plus minutes of someone riding backwards. I thnk I'm going to search for some mediocre moonwalking on youtube. Hopefully it'll take up a good part of my day. Now that this up, some fixie dork w/o brakes is going to try it and end up in the hospital, blame the driver that he ran into, and sue the city for not having sidewalk mirrors to check for what's ahead. After all, that's how we roll in Portland.

CommieCanuck said...

what ? no one yet.

Sigh.

BIRD FOOK

CommieCanuck said...

Wow. I love watching 2 plus minutes of someone riding backwards.

It's amazing how many thousands of YouTube videos exist of people wasting huge amounts of time. Digital dog-fucking.

My fav: videos of static object with some awesome hip-hop soundtrack. Keep those coming!

grog said...

fee-AIRSE poo-SAYS

Anonymous said...

Anon 12:42. No, it's "Never do tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely"

hellbelly said...

This was one of the funniest posts you've dropped in awhile...I give it 5.5 snarling LAY-oh-pards!

hillbilly said...

bueno

Baby Lemondade said...

Lay-oh-pards fook birds, don't they?

mullin5136 said...

You should always capitalize yer fookin' generic names (as in Epidermophyton). Otherwise the Nomenclature Police may be forced to start cracking down on taxonomic scofflaws...

Rolling Stoned said...

So there I was gracefully, fluidly, and rhythmically pelaling my fixiie in a sensual ,insouciant cadence as I winked at one of NYC's loveliest ladiy pedestrians passing by and then I rode over an oil slick; my fixies and I splattered all over Manhattan. Shattered, sherrube. Shattered, shattered. Sherrube.

.

damone said...

nomenclature police pa da da da da da da.....nomenclature police they live inside my head......

Houston's LoneWolf said...

A fooking good time

urchin said...

Wait, they require REFLECTORS in that town? Do they require pie plates too?

I'd put up 5 bucks to help move the snob out, but I'm afraid the angst might be what keeps him funny...

Samuel said...

So much goodness in this one - a post for the ages.

Cannon-fired spacecraft are the obvious choice for hipster astronauts - brakeless, gearless, featuring improbable amounts of shiny brass, and dubiously practical for long-distance round trips.

Technically you're coasting after launch but I'm told the epic skid crash landings make up for it.

bikesgonewild said...

..."...about 15 by 20 room with floor space for 10 matts, an open toilet, no soap, dirty floors and matts that were not disinfected and dirty, cockroaches, mice, and rats."...

...what is this ???...another hipster/bike messenger crash pad ???...

..."wanna smoke some righteous bong hits, bro ???"...

bikesgonewild said...

...& just remember "fook" spelled backwards is "koof"...

...i'm just sayin'...

Vegas said...

Wish I "got around" as much as RetroFred from Tridork.

He's gotta be working it temporally like Cap'n Kirk does interplanetarily and Dr. Who does interdimensionally.

bow-chica-whow-whowwww

Nervex Lugg said...

Snob, I'm afraid you don't know the power of your blog. Obviously, some advertising executive is a fan of yours and
he's spreading the yellow t-shirted tri-dork's image around.
If I see the tri-dork in a Times Square billboard, I'm moving
to Detroit and start a fixie bike culture which will probably result in someone viciously beating me down. Don't ever underestimate your power, please.

seat post modernism said...

Love the laid back geometry on that fooking bird bike. Makes you want to spread 'em and glide.

Anonymous said...

When I was twelve, I made sweet love to a Pantene shampoo bottle.
WIDE MOUF.

Anonymous said...

was anyone else waiting for jakarta kid to hit a bump and have his skull cracked open? i was on the edge of my seat.

leroy said...

Last year, all folks talked about was bird flu, now it's bird fook.

Go figure.

ronin1770 said...

Radar detectors on sale - check out Just Damn Coupons - http://www.justdamncoupons.com/view_category.php?catid=5

Chris said...

Here, again, is Soul Patch Cyclist. This time, he's preparing to reduce the weight on his bicycle by knocking out a few teeth teeth on the handlebar stem. It's the result of a clever, super-aero position only possible when you ride with the elbow rests in their folded position:

http://www.istockphoto.com/stock-photo-11566414-young-man-riding-a-bicycle.php

Surprisingly, this position is legal in NYC. As long as you have front and rear lights, of course.

Anonymous said...

You can purchase your very own "time-traveling t-shirt-wearing retro-Fred from the planet Tridork" at iStockphoto.com!

Tim M said...

I'm glad to see your groupies still love you, and race like morons to see who can be the first of the day to suck lick your funky emotions, oh whoops, I meant post on your blog first, but I'm gonna be the one to break it to you: you've jumped shark. You're your own art axe blog.

Stop before it gets uglier.

Anonymous said...

Just for the hipster check

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_FsA3zDZNWk

Anonymous said...

Tim M, if you don't like BSNYC any more, you're _more_ than welcome to stop reading His Works.

Anonymous said...

Tim M, the snob has taken your advice. Here is the url to his new blog. Thanks for your input.

http://bikesobnyc.blogspot.com/

crosspalms said...

Can I get one of those art axe blogs from Best Made?

CommieCanuck said...

oh whoops, I meant post on your blog first, but I'm gonna be the one to break it to you: you've jumped shark.

Timm: a little history, after the "Happy Days" shark jumping episode, the series held the top TV ratings for another 5 years.
"Jumped the Shark" was 2009.

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

Diego said...

Good one!

riding backwards said...

Yup. That video was the first "trick" I learned on my BMX bike... in 1981. I think that was before the first wave of neon fashion.

By best friend's bike even had a Landing Gear fork!

wle said...

tridork must be an example of ill-advised use of stock images..

wle

Anonymous said...

and here is the bike dork on his way to work.

http://bikesobnyc.blogspot.com/

it looks like he only has one bike in his stable.

Anonymous said...

Sorry, I pasted the wrong copy.

HERE is the bike dork on his way to work:
http://www.istockphoto.com/stock-photo-10932223-businessman-in-a-suit.php

teamfubar said...

C'mon BIke Snob, I know you have to be one of my 10 followers, so you should have known I was the original "PROcrastinator"...
http://notsoseriouscyclist.blogspot.com/2009/08/procrastination.html

Luke said...

Why do you assume the woman arrested for the light/reflector infraction was riding at night? Her story doesn't indicate that.

mpedrick said...

I too was arrested on my bike 4 years ago in Denver during my commute home. I was off the bike at a stop sign and a car almost hit me as they flew into the middle of the road totally running the stop sign. If not for oncoming traffic, they would never have stopped. Neing from the great state of NJ, I of course had to give them a piece of my NJ mind. They rolled down the window and told me that I was interfearing with official police business, it was an unmarked police car. Still wouldn't have deterred me from yelling. They drove off once the traffic had cleared and I crossed the street and called the non emergency police number to report the dangerous driving and rudeness og the "officer". My lawyer obtained a copy of the tape, I was totally calm and did not swear at all. I reported the license plate and the car and person description. The same car then drove around the block and arrested me. I told him that he had better be careful with my bike, as it cost more than he makes in a month. I was already getting arrested - what did it matter. I was brought to the denver jail and "entered" into the system by someone who could not remember a string of numbers line a SS#. Since I had not been arrested before it took 8 hours for them to notify my husband, as I had to go through the system. One thing they DO NOT tell you when they say you can make a phone call is that you cannot call a cell phone. Being that we do not have a home phone, that posed a problem, as I had already made the undialable call. I was placed in a cell with a woman who obviously had eaten smething that did not agree with her. Released on 'bond' so that I would show up for court, I was super angry. $3000.00 for a lawyer, the court date came and the officer did not bother to show up AND they told me the charges were dismissed. He was basically just an asshold and wanted to make my life miserable for as long as he could. Then to try to get the bike back from impound. Those are some smart people. It was moved maybe - no one was really sure what had happened to it. Finally my husbad was driving around the "bike impound lots" and saw it in a fanced area. He walked in and said, my wife's bike is in there, they said, O.K. and gave him the bike without ANY ID or signatures of any kind. The police have lost all of the respect I ever had for them. Cranky little men who have nothing else to do but to pick on girls on bikes. Nice life loser (s).

網站設計 said...

hooray, your writings on theater and writing much missed!

san diego injury attorneys said...

I found your website perfect for my needs. It contains wonderful and helpful posts. I have read most of them and got a lot from them. To me, you are doing the great work.

Kesha Tickets said...

Hey very nice blog!! Man .. Beautiful .. Amazing .. I will bookmark your blog and take the feeds also... Big thanks for the

useful info i found on Comentari de categoria nova.


Kesha Tickets

apnasindh said...

early birds putting its very nice article i like it alot

Procrastination Free Living said...

Good day!! Thanks for reminding other people to avoid procrastinating...!! I know if other people read this !! This make their work was great..

ekle paylas said...

nice blog Thanks for sharing. voicesohbet was really very nice.
sesli chat siteleri sesli sohbet
sesli sohbet siteleri sesli chat
seslichat seslisohbet
sesli siteleri chat siteleri
sohbet siteleri sesli siteler
voice sohbet sesli sohbet siteleri
sesli sohbet seslisohbet
sohbet siteleri sesli chat siteleri
seslichat sesli chat
herkesburda herkes burda
sohbetmerkezi sohbetmerkezi

Fixie Bikes said...

The NYPD pretty much hates everyone.