The Indignity of Commuting by Bicycle: Lighting Out

Are you a dentist?

Do you like cycling?

Do you fantasize about getting your inseam measured so that someone you've never met can build you the bike of your dreams?

If you answered "Oui!" to all three of these questions, then come to Cyclesport bike shop in Park Ridge, NJ this Saturday, October 23rd! As America's first Serotta dealer, they'll fit you for a "DDS chariot" that will have Charles Manantan of PezCycling News sobbing with envy all over his color-coordinated "hüds." Then, if you're still there at 4:30pm, stick around to see me in my BRA:

If you're wondering what will happen at this BRA, it will involve my giving some sort of PowerPoint presentation. Also, if enough people bring their Serottas, I may hold an impromptu Serotta pageant and award prizes to the winners. If you don't actually own a Serotta, feel free to buy one from Cyclesport during my presentation if you think it has the potential to be awarded "Miss New Jersey." Just make sure the "hüds" match the tapes (to paraphrase the oft-repeated pubic aphorism).

Meanwhile, yesterday I mentioned the controversial protected bike lane on Prospect Park West in Park Slope, Brooklyn, and this morning its supporters and its detractors rallied to either support or detract the bike lane, depending on how stupid they were. Sadly, I was unable to attend the rally. This is because, even though I'm only mildly stupid and support the bike lane, I also didn't want to go. However, I did go there "virtually," thanks to social networking network "the Twitter" and the awesome power of "hashish tags," and it sounds like the Forces of Smugness did outnumber the Forces of Obstinate Dim-wittitude and Non-Swiveling Heads by a decent margin:

Also, one member of the "Twitteroni" posted this picture of a bike lane detractor holding a teddy bear and a hastily-"curated" sign:

As you can see, since the bike lane opponents are both unable and unwilling to turn their heads before crossing the bike lane, she is wearing a restrictive turtleneck sweater to keep her nonplussed visage pointed straight ahead. The sign suggests that the bike lane is somehow "dangerous" to "seniors and grandchildren," who are evidently immune to the speeding cars that were there before, and the teddy bear symbolizes the erstwhile innocence of the neighborhood that the bike lane has raped and desecrated with its menacing, green-hued presence. Interestingly, while smugness is usually the weapon of the bike lane supporter, in this instance it is being harnessed by a detractor to stunning effect. This is because she is one of those smug grandparents who is really into being a grandparent, and also really into her grandkids, but who thinks her children are idiots. Consequently, if you're neither a grandparent nor a grandchild, you can go play in deadly bicycle traffic for all she cares.

Speaking of bicycle traffic, I'll certainly acknowledge that, as a grandchild myself, I wouldn't want to be hit by the Flotilla of Smugness that is a Surly Big Dummy:

As you may know, Surly lent me a Big Dummy awhile back, and I continue to find it tremendously useful--so much so that if they want it back they're going to have to send Harry Dean Stanton and/or Emilio Estevez him- or themselves to repossess it, and even then I'd probably just kick one or both of them in the "pants yabbies" and ride away. The above photo shows how it looked yesterday laden with various parcels, including a box from Just Coffee, which contains my eponymous caffeinated beverage, which some lucky "Cockie" contestants will eventually enjoy.

In any case, as I plied the streets of both Manhattan and Brooklyn at the helm of the Big Dummy yesterday, I marveled at the fact that most of my route was amply bike-laned, despite the best efforts of certain teddy bear-clutching protestors with fixed-gear necks. Between the hauling capacity of the Big Dummy and the bicycle-acommodating capacity of the freshly bike-laned streets my errand-running was surprisingly pleasant, and the only thing I longed for was an appropriately captain-y "helmet hat:"

Though I'm sure somewhere one is in the works.

Indeed, New York was so "bikey" yesterday that as I approached the Williamsburg Bridge from Manattan in order to ford the "Big Skanky" back to Brooklyn I was delighted to find the Department of Transportation handing out free bike lights:

The DOT has been working to promote light use among cyclists recently, which is a great idea since the typical Nü-Fred's bicycle is equipped with at least five separate accessories designed to open beer bottles but doesn't have a single light. Granted, I'm not sure the DOT's Verizon-esque ads are exactly CLIO material:

But at least they get the point across. I also think the message is clearer than the "That's Why It's 30" ads for motorists they've been showing on TV recently:



To me, the message is that you need to be careful if you drive at 40mph, but if you keep it at 30mph you can run people down with impunity since they're virtually guaranteed to survive. Just keep that cruise control dialed in to 30, since if you hit somebody there's really no need to stop--especially if the pedestrian is a senior or a grandchild, who (thanks to teddy bear lady) we now know are immune to motor vehicle impact. They just jump up and shake it off.

Still, I do think the DOT should have gone with my light awareness ad:

Though I guess they're not ready to start thinking "outside the box."

Anyway, this sign was a bit more to the point:

And it was drawing a crowd eager to increase their smugness quotient via the judicious application of municipally-distributed blinky-lights:

Hopefully the lights get more "action" than those NYC Condoms, which I'm sure have been mouldering unused in the wallet of many a lonely bike dork for years.

Naturally, I too queued up for a handout, but alas I was denied, since I already had blinky-lights affixed to my Big Dummy and I was clearly trying to take advantage of "the system." Dejected, I continued onto the bridge and returned to Brooklyn:

Where, under cover of night, I switched off my blinky-lights, covered the Big Dummy with camoflage and palm fronds, wrapped roughly 75 pounds of chain around it, and retired it to its secret parking location for the night:

As I did this, I reflected on what had been a successful and pleasant outing in New York City's nascent bicycle infrastructure, and indeed it was only marred by the corn-fed Nü-Fred on a Pista I watched blow a light and almost hit a child on his way home from school. I see that sort of thing all too often, and it's a shame that so many of the city's recent arrivals (to cycling and to New York itself), emboldened by too many "fixie" videos, think that kids are traffic cones in their hill-bombing fantasies. It's also a shame that, to the non-cyclist, what that Nü-Fred did is more visible than a thousand blinky-lights. So enjoy those bike lanes now, because you'll miss them when they're gone.

Speaking of lights, while I do think everybody should use them, I will acknowledge that there's one exception, which is that you don't need a light when you have The Light, as in this "Cockie" submission from Seattle:

Yes, that is indeed Biblical verse, and clearly this particular rider does not adhere to earthly directions but instead follows the Cue Sheet of the Soul.

Also, from the same sender comes this Reverse-Mounted Filth Prophylactic:

Presumably the rider extends it rearward when it's wet, but in dry conditions or when parking instead prefers to use it as a diving board for the "pants yabbies."

Meanwhile, from Portland comes this submission:

At first I was underwhelmed, but then I noticed the quill stem-mounted bottle cage as well as the secondary bottle nestled in the aero extensions. I also noticed a brake, but was unable to trace its cable to any sort of lever, and the mystery of its location is delightfully titillating.

But when it comes to "portaging" beverages, nothing beats a shopping cart cockpit, like this one from South Carolina:

Or, for sheer minimalism, you've got to admire this one:

Caught this one in Philly. The owner told me it had been 'evolving'.
The 'stem' isn't twisted, the bars are supposed to be aligned with the
wheel that way. And yeah, the brake works.

In this case, the brake was the least of my concerns.