Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Public Image Ltd: A Leopard By Any Other Name...

Firstly, if you would like a copy of my West Elm furniture catalog prop, yet you're either uncomfortable with or disgusted by the idea of actually paying for it, Tour d'Afrique is holding a contest for ideas on how to make that bloated windbag mayor in Toronto swallow the idea of people riding bikes, and they're giving away my book as a prize. For contest details, go here, and keep in mind your entry should be "civil," so refrain from phrases like "bloated windbag."

Secondly, further to yesterday's post, if you're considering hiring "57 Things" guy as your "minimalist business coach," this recent "Tweet" from the tousled one himself may help you decide once and for all:

Figuring out how to scratch your head is a very important stage in the process of self-actualization, coming as it does just after learning how to tell your ass from your elbow, and just before figuring out how to tell shit from Shinola. Certainly head-scratching is a skill you want to look for in a business coach, because that's what he's going to be doing as he stares right through you during those $1,000 Skype sessions. In fact, so proud is "57 Things" guy of his newfound simian skill that he's updated his profile picture accordingly:

("This feels fan-freaking-tastic. Ooh, I think I found a louse!")

Just wait until he figures out how to touch his own genitals for pleasure. Once he gets that down we won't be hearing from him for another five or six years.

Also further to yesterday's post, I was surprised that many commenters disparaged Liz Hatch's latest "edit," in which she's pursued by the world's second-oldest bicycle racing team (after Team Radio Shack of course, whose average age is greater than that of the US Senate):

Sure, the narrative thread was a bit elusive, but at least it was more creative than that mumbly Mark Cavendish video where he says, "For me, victory is about beating other people." (Clearly Cavendish has been taking lessons in the obvious from "57 Things" guy.) Admittedly, though, if I were asked to helm a Liz Hatch promotional video I would take it in a different direction and make it an homage to the original "Starsky and Hutch" TV series:


Most likely, I would call it "Starsky and Hatch:"


Though I suppose "Hutch and Hatch" could also work:

Of course, with a big enough budget I could really begin to explore more creative possibilities. For example, Action Wipes have sponsored Hatch videos in the past, so with an infusion of "wipe money" I could even hire some Hollywood talent and produce "Hutch, Hatch, and Hitch:"

Hey, if I signed some kind of lubricant sponsor too I might even be able to work a little 'cock in there:

("Hutch, Hatch, Hitch, and Hitchcock"--Brought to you by Action Wipes and Pedro's lubricants)

I invite you to leave your suggestive "Rear Window" reference of choice in the comments section of this post.

Anyway, with the 2011 road racing season nearly upon us it's clear that teams and riders are competing for our attention. Liz Hatch's undead-Fred freakout, team Leopard-Trek's Euro-cheese nightmare, and of course Radio Shack's sensational new uniform all presage a season of spectacularly "flambullient" racing. However, when it comes to sheer inspiration, nothing rivals this Astana video from 2010 that was forwarded to me by a reader:



This stirring video has it all: a soaring soundtrack, patriotic imagery, children learning, and even a nod to Kazakhstan's space program--which, incredibly, exists. Truly Kazakhstan is a land of unity and inspiration where people often cast their eyes heavenward, whether they have unibrows:

Or no eyebrows at all:


Yes, regardless of what sort of hair distribution they have above their eyes, Kazakhs everywhere draw inspiration and pride from soaring birds of prey:

("All You Kazakhs Peer At My Balls")

The only thing that could possibly make this video better would be replacing the soaring eagle with a flying Vino.

By the way, speaking of team Leopard-Trek, it turns out I've been referring to them improperly, for an official message from The Great Trek Bicycle Making Company to its employees lays out the proper guidelines for any and all references to the greatest group of bicycle-riding humans ever assembled. Here is an excerpt:

As you discuss the team, both internally and externally, please follow these naming standards:
The team name is LEOPARD TREK. Please do not insert the word “team” before LEOPARD TREK, in writing or conversation, as that is not part of the official name.
When the word “team” immediately follows LEOPARD TREK, do not capitalize “team” (except in German, of course).
In written communication, LEOPARD TREK must be set in all caps.
In spoken communication, please use the appropriate pronunciation: LAY-oh-pard Trek.
INCORRECT: The new Team Leopard Trek includes...
CORRECT: The new LEOPARD TREK team includes...

INCORRECT: Trek announces sponsorship of Team LEOPARD TREK, the world’s #1...
CORRECT: Trek announces co-title sponsorship of LEOPARD TREK, the world’s #1...

Thanks for your help in establishing the proper team name standards.

The above message was forwarded to me by somebody who presumably knows somebody who knows somebody whose aunt once slept with the brother of somebody's cousin who works for Trek, and while I ordinarily wouldn't post something like this out of concern for getting somebody in trouble this just seemed too important to keep to myself. After all, we can't allow people to run around calling it "LEP-perd Trek" like a bunch of American English speakers when the proper pronunciation is the Euro-fabulous "LAY-oh-pard Trek." And Lob forbid we inadvertently stick the word "team" in there, either in conversation or in writing, for they are not a "team" at all--the proper name for a bunch of people with that much hair gel is actually a "glop."

Meanwhile, speaking of bike companies, another reader has forwarded me what may very well be the edgiest bicycle marketing campaign the world has ever seen. Never mind Dahon's "This is what you do with it" approach, and forget Beloved's "For best result, read aloud while playing the bongos" marketing copy, because here comes Sintesi--and they're turning bicycle marketing upside down:

As you can see, Sintesi's entire road line consists of bicycles with 26" disc brake wheels and suspension, while their mountain bike line is all drop bar rigid 29ers with rim brakes. Not only that, but they're also for people with "adrenalinic lifestyles:"

Sintesi’s bikes are for extreme people with adrenalinic lifestyles.

The edgy 2011 product line marks the company’s 20th anniversary and its history of pushing the design and performance limits of carbon fiber technology. Always on-trend, Sintesi believes in producing bicycles that are the result of the best possible synthesis of engineering excellence, guaranteed safety and fun riding.

I'm not sure if someone who leads an "adrenalinic lifestyle" has a chronic medical condition, or else identifies with some sort of alternative sexuality, but either way I'm sure there's a charity ride for it somewhere.

108 comments:

Anonymous said...

yowza!

Anonymous said...

AHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

podium?

Kenny Banya said...

signed in podium

justsomeguy said...

top 10

10,000 Aches said...

Off to a fine new year!!

Anonymous said...

bike iowa

Anonymous said...

Podium for the first time!

samh said...

From Alred Hitchcock's Rear Window, "It's just another run-of-the-mill Wednesday. The calendar's full of 'em."

mikeweb said...

Don't forget the Hooch.

Anonymous said...

1st chase group!

Kenny Banya said...

team (leopard trek) team

I feel do dirty

SLAM said...

What does Hatch mean in Kazak?

Dan O said...

"guaranteed safety"?

Anonymous said...

is this bikes?

The Los said...

Did you notice the "MEH" at the end of the video?

JDL said...

"All You Kazakhs Peer At My Balls"

can i get that on my rims?
No I cant, I dont ride a fixie.

tempting though.

from the ways to make bikes more fun, http://www.treehugger.com/files/2011/01/do-fake-horse-silhouettes-biking-fun.php

have fun with that one.

Anonymous said...

everett bogus

Oldentard said...

I don't get it.

Down the Hatch said...

Leopard is pronounced LAY-OH-TARD.

SLAM said...

I missed the top ten, and that is very bad for my adrenalinic condition.

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Anonymous said...

Yum ...

CLEA VAGE

wishiwasmerckx said...

If you mispronunciate their name, they get their Lay-oh-tards all in a bunch.

Anonymous said...

I had no idea that Kazhks trended so heavily Asiatic.

Now, in their space program, I do not know if "Tang" is the astronaut or the onboard beverage.

crosspalms said...

Yikes, I have one of those Starsky sweaters somewhere. Maybe I should donate it to Liz Hatch, she looks chilly.

Meanwhile, I hear Harry Belafonte is going to update the Banana Boat song for Team Glop: "Lay-oh, Lay-o-pard! Lay-o-pard and I wan' go home."

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Mr Snob you are a literary genius.

exquisitely-lugged fixed-gear recumbent said...

Yes, as a matter of fact that was my ass in the rear window.

Anonymous said...

Ah, I get it. 57 things guy will be mentioned 57 times in this blog.

Anonymous said...

Lay-oh-pard works in German (a shame, because I much prefer Spotlichkatz - more descriptive), but not in French (silent "d") or Italian (Gattopardo, as in the film).

What a bunch of pedants, but I suppose that's the whole spin/media control machine for you.

hey nonny mouse

Comment deleted said...

I can't stay silent any longer. Commie Canuck, what happened to you? A mere few months ago, you were a wine-drinking man-about-town, a handsome fellow that McSquirt would be glad to hit, were he to swing that way (NTTAWWT).

I'm guessing it started as innocent experiments with ether and adrenochrome; suddenly the erudite connoisseur transformed, before our very eyes, into an HST-doppelganger.

If only that had been the end of it. Your progression to the abuse of OxyContin and Dominican boys led to an inevitable Rush-like visage. Now, at rock-bottom, you present as Limbaugh on a bad chin-day.

Is it too late for you? Perhaps a life-saving intervention from Everett Bogue could nudge you back to your Cabernet-sipping-sophisticate self?

Anonymous said...

Aww, I gotta get a new road bike. I didn't know I'd been riding a mountain bike all this time.

SLOW TITS

ZERO RZLT

xyxax said...

I think the correct medical term is "adrenalacious"

Anonymous said...

Q: What do you call a bike that slowly falls apart? A: A LEPER TREK.

Anonymous said...

They're most certainly not hers, but damn are they gorgoeous

Incorrect said...

Team re-oh-tard trek.

Anonymous said...

Who's Liz Hatch. Why do we care? Just because she has a rack she's now popping up in all these videos. Are they even real???
Has she even made a podium in the past couple of years????? Anyone? Checked Cycling Quotient and she's got no results...MEH MEH MEH

Marcel Da Chump said...

Def Lay-o-pard Trek

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

@comment deleted-

Commie Canuk also has a pornography problem and a weird fixation on that Kim Jong Ill guy.
?

Anonymous said...

...Beloved's "For best result, read aloud while playing the bongos" marketing copy...

Sublime!

Deputy Dog said...

Sarah Palin killed my puppies.

All of them.

Quicksquirt McHurt said...

I'd hit it.

I'm Scott and I'm John said...

I listened to Liz Hatch's interview by the now defunct VeloScots. She honestly seems nice enough. Rather clueless about the grand scheme of things, but aren't we all? My impression was that she was content with her lot in life as a domestique with very nice breasts.

Anonymous said...

"@dustiarab Oh Jesus, haven't been compared to him in awhile."
--Another smug tweet by "evbogue."

Anonymous said...

Everett is no Thoreau. Thoreau would occasionally bathe in the pond. Everett could use a shower.

D. Hawerchuk said...

AYKPAMB

Liz Hatch said...

AYHSMFD
(All You Haters Suck My Flotation Devices)

CommieCanuck said...

Another true story: Liz Hatch is in no way related to David Hatch of the original Battlestar Galactica fame.
Shame, in a few years, she could benefit from a life in zero gravity.

rudy jenkins said...

I'm so glad I partook of the Wednesday Weed before reading this masterpiece.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

Bottom To Top:
Coffee Table
The Art Book
The Noblest Invention
The Larry Sanders Show Complete DVD Set
BikeSnob NYC - Turning The The Thing Inside Out and Dismembering It
Bestiality Review 12/10 issue

Fred said...

As a Fred, I am confused and frightened by all this talk of boobs. I don't know what they are or how they work, all I know is they seem really expensive and everybody wants a set. Yet I can't find them anywhere in the Performance catalog. Are they only available custom?

CommieCanuck said...

@ comment deleted...
Sadly, you've witnesses my Kafka-like metamorphosis from Abe Vigoda, to Kim, "Big Dong" Jong-il, to Mr. Lahey, to Rob Ford, Mayor of Caronto, to Ford's true self, Robba the Hutt.

"Rasha Naba Doe-ah Gola Wookiee Nipple Pinchy".

Meh.

Anonymous said...

Calling Liz a domestique is like calling the "57 things" guy a philosopher.

BLOTD DCHBG

I wish I was Liz's Engine said...

Hey I Liked that team Astana Nationalistic propoganda better than the last Liz Hatch movie
How is that possible?

Anonymous said...

thx for the cleavage

Bob Hope said...

"Thanks, for the Mammaries."

Stupid Name said...

"adrenalinic lifestyle" ??????

Somebody at Trek is going to lose their job, and somebody at Sintesi is going to lose their job.

Always comforting that 57 guy still has his. - Meh
Kazak - Meh
Trek - Meh
Action Wipes - Mega Meh

Anonymous said...

2nd Chase!!!!!!! FTW?

Anonymous said...

Showing a bit of LEOPARD TREK pedantry here. Kazakhstan is home to the Cosmodrome. Home of the Russian space program. Place they launched Yuri into space so he could wave at NASA from the stars. Now they fire rich folks into space.

hillbilly said...

I'd have a Vertigo at that! (see what I did there?)

Anonymous said...

That "leaked" Trek intra-office memo. is, quite simply, beyond comment. Who (jointly or severally) on earth could be so gormless as to draft, let alone circulate, such a pompous piece of pooh!
This gets around, Schleck et al. shall be the team known as LeprosyTrek -- simply untouchable.

Anonymous said...

@Fred 2:05:

They are sometimes referred to as "sin pillows". I understand that Rapha has commissioned Chris King to bring some out under his 'Beloved' line (custom fitted, of course). This will allow Rapha to do a marketing tie-in to their new nipple embrocation.

CommieCanuck said...

Stupid Name said:"adrenalinic lifestyle" ??????

Cutting edge coffee drinkers.
Coffee doesn't do it for me any more, leaving flaming bags of shit at my neighbor's door, ringing the bell and running away is my high.

Don't judge me.

Some pretentious dickhead said...

My dad is a personal injury lawyer, my mom runs the area chapter of Planned Parenthood, I went to a really good school in the northeast, and you imbeciles can suck my balls.

Anonymous said...

So is Don Knotts replacing Robin Williams as the Comic Sportiff on Radio Shack??

crosspalms said...

Will the next memo tell us how to pronounce Trek? I vote for AY-o-pard-lay REK-tay.

crosspalms said...

That's the plural. The singular would be AY-o-pard-lum REK-tum.

CommieCanuck said...

So is Don Knotts replacing Robin Williams as the Comic Sportiff on Radio Shack??

Gee, I hope not, given that he died 4 years ago.
I'd love to see Lewis Black in the peloton.

"...next time to chose to visit Los Angeles, save some time and just poke yourself in the eye with a sharp #2 pencil..."

Anger is my cardio.

CommieCanuck said...

Will the next memo tell us how to pronounce Trek? I vote for AY-o-pard-lay REK-tay.

That's "Tree", the e is long and the k is silent.
This is the new thing in corporate culture. GM execs cannot use the term, "Chevy" any more, it has to be "Chevrolet".

Pronounced, "Sh-it-box".

db said...

I think we all know that Astana's kit could have been much, much worse, given its Kazakh roots.

Dr. Feel Good said...

71st! Well, at least I didn't fall off like Pablo!
Liz Hatch is the Anna Kornakova/Michele Wie of cycling.
57 things guy reminds me of those losers who couldn't make it at any job they ever had and then hang a shingle announcing they are a "life coach"!

Anonymous said...

One of your funniest posts. Pure gold.

Which one is the shinola again?

crosspalms said...

CC,
are you saying Chevy — sorry, Chevrolet — is the hot karl of the auto world?

Tolworth Roundabout said...

Hey, there's no "I" in Team Leopard Trek however you pronounce it.

Steve Jobs said...

There will be by tomorrow

grace-sean-kelly said...

Jimmy Stewart would've fallen out the rear window had he'd seen Liz Hatch snatch riding by, wheel chair and all.

Anonymous said...

Looks a lot like a soaring bird of scavenge.

leroy said...

So like if, you know, they like ban radios and stuff on like the Tour, would that mean you could like call them the Def Leopard Trek team?

I was just, you know, wondering. Hey, it's Wednesday.

Little Splitfinger said...

Bike Snob - The fixed gear world has filtered all the way to the south. adverts for fixies are popping up all over the place - check out this as described "80's Raleigh Panasonic single speed" selling for a mere $1000 that we found on craigslist.

http://batonrouge.craigslist.org/bik/2146099458.html

Thanks for the epic blog that allows me to feel superior to other Fred's on the road.

David Henderson said...

The only thing better than the line: "Anger is my cardio", is anything with Liz Hatch in it.

Anonymous said...

Some more grist for your Beloved mill...
http://www.bikerumor.com/2011/01/12/rapha-launches-bicycle-collection-from-beloved-cinelli-indy-fab-and-a-pereira-ryan-collaboration/#more-26737

limonata said...

Lampre-ISD's maglia reveal vid rivals the drama of that Kazakh one: http://www.lampre-farnese.com/home/index.asp

rural 14 said...

Ant 2nd!

Dick Clark said...

So Snob, which band do you prefer, Public Image Ltd or Def Leppard?

Nogocyclist said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nogocyclist said...

Samh, no matter what reference you use, I sure hope this in NOT "just another run of the mill Wednesday."

Let me tell you about my Wednesday. First yesterday I was on a clear liquid diet only and had to take some awful stuff called Movi-prep. If you have a clue what this leads to, you probably know I did not have the most pleasant Wednesday.

Woke up this morning, Wednesday, couldn't eat or drink anything whatsoever. Rushed to the porcelain throne (I shall not elaborate on that, what you imagine is probably accurate), then off to the doctor's office ......(again I will save you from describing what he did), and then went home and took a nap with constant terrific stomach cramps.

The best part of my day came later, it was the many very explosive flatulences. Oh, they felt soooo gooood!

If this is what you call "a run of the mill Wednesday", lets just skip to Thursday.

69 thing guy said...

Everett, I have an itch.

ALICE said...

As I look through the reverse looking looking glass I read ...


KERT DRAPOEL MAET


Also the stench of metabolized epo, the clear, hgh, used testosterone patches and cold hard ca$h are in the air.

What Planet am I on?


Hint: Men are fighting with their feet and having face sex with stinky goeat cheese.

g-roc said...

All you Liz Hatch haters, two words: Anna Kournikova. I have no idea if she's ever won anything, but she's made even me watch tennis.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous 1:32 ---> gay.

Anonymous said...

Minimalism an obituary
from strange harvest blog
http://strangeharvest.com/wp11/?p=2547

Anonymous said...

Snob is the SHIT!!! There is no burn like the burn one gets by being told they don't know shit from SHINOLA!!! ALL HAIL THE SNOB!! I BOW at your feet "oh master of vocabulary"

Ronan said...

Mr Bogue's Twitter page shows his sweeping plumage heading both right and left. Surely a true minimalist would pick one direction?

CommieCanuck said...

nogo..you lead a rich life.

samh said...

@Nogocyclist, for your sake I most CERTAINLY hope that your Thursday is NOT your Wednesday!

Lantern Rouge said...

Last

The Real Everett said...

Well, it didn't look like a two-horse town, but try finding a decent hair jelly.

Anonymous said...

Stinsi is able to offer "guaranteed saftey" with their bikes?

WOW! Thats amazing!

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

Doug said...

Bravo, Mr Snob. And the comments weren't bad, either.

kfg said...

I'm not sure whether I should be disparaging Liz's edit or not. I'm too busy trying to figure out how she keeps her knees from hitting those things.

Mike said...

Re Liz Hatch: Are those fake? (Scarring is a bit difficult to miss.) Assuming they are it's a sad day when even a competitive (assuming) cyclist would pay to disadvantage themselves in their chosen profession - unless said profession is web video starlette.

lastchild said...

she looks like an old tranny

Anonymous said...

Hey Lance NYC best (snob) bud,

Can you email him about this?

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2011/more/01/18/lance.armstrong/index.html?eref=sihp

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Criminal Attorney in Austin

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Fixie Bikes said...

Probably doesn't feel as good as biting a good long nails.