Friday, January 14, 2011

BSNYC Friday Culturally Biased Standardized Test!

With the weekend nigh, many of us are eagerly awaiting the opportunity to embark upon our preferred manner of "epic" cycling adventure. People on bouncy mountain bikes will venture into the wilderness, stand around in small groups for awhile, and occasionally ride over stuff. People on crabon-y road bikes will mount digital devices to their handlebars and pedal until numbers that quantify their mediocrity appear. People on fixed-gear bikes will wheel their bicycles outside, ride them for a few blocks, and then take photographs or videos of their latest upgrades. And people on recumbents will persist in looking like they're taking bubble baths and trying to work the hot and cold water knobs with their feet.

Whatever sort of cycling you do, you should of course go forth and enjoy. However, before you ride, you should always run through the League of American Bicyclists's pre-ride checklist, which you can remember by using the handy acronym "ANALRETENTIVE:"

A--Announce to every single person you know that you're taking a ride, so they can come look for you if you don't come back within a reasonable amount of time. If possible, provide them with a route map and cue sheet, or else carry a GPS Suppository, available now from the makers of RoadID.

N--Never always don't wear a helmet.

A--Make sure you have fresh air in your tires; if the air in your tires is more than 48 hours old be sure to deflate and replace.

L--Look at your bike and see if there's anything that should be upgraded. Important upgrades include: low spoke-count wheels, brittle crabon seatposts, and the latest bottom bracket interface (currently the "BBHumongous" integrated system).

R--Always be resplendent in a vibrantly-colored DayGlo jersey capable of burning out the retinas of anybody who is foolish enough to gaze upon it.

E--Eat a hearty breakfast.

T--Take a shower.

E--Evacuate your bowels. (Don't lose that suppository!)

N--Never, ever take off your helmet, even if you're on the toilet.

T--Take another shower, because you just "made."

I--Inspect the inside of every tube in your bicycle frame for the microscopic stress cracks that are liable to cause your frame to fail catastrophically on a fast descent.

V--Is for gratuitous mention of the word "vaginae."

E--Most importantly, enjoy your ride--if you can!

If you don't follow each and every one of these steps before every ride, it will be over even before it begins, as in this video which was forwarded to me by "Ant1:"



That's not how you want to start the weekend.

With that, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll know, and if you're wrong you'll see a video that is as close to unwatchable as anything I've ever seen.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and ride uptight.

--BSNYC/RTMS




1) The correct pronunciation of "Leopard Trek" is:






2) Which of the following sentences is techically correct according to strict style guidelines put forth by the The Great Trek Bicycle Making Company?










5) This LA cyclist is:

--Playing imaginary soccer





("Cleanliness" is a social construct.)

6) In New York City coffee houses, filthy cycling caps are the new (hygienic food prep) hairnets.

--True
--False




("I'm saving up for a Best Made axe.")

7) In New York City coffee houses, Civil War hats are the new filthy cycling caps.

--True
--False



***Special Fitness-Themed Bonus Quesion***

How do you get abs like this?*


*(Correct answer via Campione Cycles)

96 comments:

Anonymous said...

Half-man, half-awesome!

Anonymous said...

Fuuurst!

Fritz said...

bing

mikeweb said...

This podium brought to you by Uloric gout treatment

3G said...

Po-ooooop

Astroluc said...

top 10

Anonymous said...

Top 10! Take that!

Now I'm gonna read it ...

Liz Hatch said...

This will never happen

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Friday

RANTWICK said...

Well hello there... what spot am I in?

ant1 said...

ant1st!

RANTWICK said...

10th! Woo hoo!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Nice! Im under Liz Hatch.

ringcycles said...

Quiz time!

Anonymous said...

http://www.nj.com/news/index.ssf/2011/01/nj_assemblywoman_slams_brakes.html

Nogocyclist said...

I guess you got out on bond for your involvement in stealing that bike in LA?

Anonymous said...

I would very much like a bike fit with Liz Hatch. She would have to check my inseam first. Although we'd have to wait a while until my boner went down.

Nogocyclist said...

Mugshot of a bike thief.
Just in case you were wondering about my post. It looks just like someone we know!

Chris said...

What's next, hipsters?

Wearing tricorn hats?

hillbilly said...

why oh why did I have to click on the unwatchable video?

CAMPIONE CYCLES CALGARY said...

Ball Bike!!!

I am waiting for the version you can actually ride on the road.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Waiting on your blog post reminds me of that Velvet Underground song, WAITING FOR MY MAN. Thanks for the humor fix.

randy said...

T--Take another shower, because you just "made."

wow. been there!

Comment deleted said...

Is there anything more beautiful than a perfectly-synchronized fail?

Anonymous said...

Will the ballbike fit on my trunk rack?

crosspalms said...

Meanwhile, on another podium, in another town...

Loved the BMX fail. I think I'll go watch it again.

Anonymous said...

My bicycle and my helmet are a part of my identity

OBA said...

Where is the unsee button? Unsee!

ervgopwr said...

Unwatchable. Except that I wanted some kind of clue as to what po-dunk little town those kids with no skillz and too much time were in.

wow...

kicked off my weekend last night with a ss mtn bike ride, sweet. Tomorrow will be on crabon.

Anonymous said...

Balls!

Anonymous said...

When they rapped about "Steel on the inside, chrome on the outside," were they speaking of their vaginae?

Nogocyclist said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nogocyclist said...

Mynard J. Krebs. I guess I am not as much of an old foggey as I thought. Didn't figure anyone not born in the 50's or 60's would remember "Wo-er-k."

As for the guy who set up the BMX gate, he deserves a good licking (by paddle, not suggesting anything else).

Singin´`bout my Dildo said...

Steel on the inside
Chrome on the outside:

I`m a dyke snob


But seriously though,
That recumbent description!

Unbelievably funny!

xyxax said...

Old air is the number one cause of tire flatus.

Lee said...

Yay for Yellow Jersey in Madison, Wis. and its domination of the new hairnet.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Snob -- you're going to be punished for luring me into clicking on the BallBike video. I'm sure your intention was humor but the result was basically a bad fucking trip. I need some Xanax.

grog said...

All good Snobbers.
ANAL RTEN
BUBL BATH
STEL CROM
FUNK WIZZ

Imagining Andujaparov said...

Next week mention Uzbekistan, please?

mikeweb said...

At first that I thought that Ballbike video was a NSFW piece of 'adult entertainment'. Then I realized they all had clothes on.

crosspalms said...

I've actually thought of making my own checklist: wallet, keys, lock, glasses... it's embarrassing how many times I've rolled the bike out of the basement, pulled the door shut and realized my keys were upstairs. Or ridden to the grocery and remembered my lock was still on the rack of my other bike.

Houston's LoneWolf said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
CommieCanuck said...

That bike snob vid is tolerable if you pre-puncture your eardrums with a ballpoint pen.

CommieCanuck said...

Awesome PSA:

Uzbeks, do not give them money, or matches.

Looky Loo said...

I kind of like the bike snob video, is that wrong?

Anonymous said...

CRAP CRAP

I love liz engine said...

Ervgopwr

Madison, Wisconsin smugness capital of the midwest.

Think Portland just with plumper women and less tatoos.

Wow, unwatchable does not do it justice.
"Neal Olson of Kickstand got his cycling cap from a bike shop in Madison, Wis., where he organized bike-messenger-style races called alley cats. “I was a cyclist first, and a coffee dude second,” he said."

Oh god, and self styled hygenist never.

Schwinn went out of business for a reason.

Anonymous Coward said...

@looky Loo - Yes.

Snob, the recumbent description is award worthy, nice work.

Gino Bartali Simpson said...

the blonde in sunglasses was about to do the old fanning the thighs while crossing arms over them.......unbearable indeed, but Snob; you inspired her.

Anonymous said...

"University Testing Proves BallBike Provides 349% More Core Muscle Activity Than Upright Bikes"

I want somebody to prove that shit.

Then I am going to buy a tennis ball, and glue it to my recumbant seat.

349 percent more uncomfortable.

Imagining Andujaparov said...

Appreciate out-shout, comrade canuck. Looking out good.

Anonymous said...

i liked the bike snob video, the blond is skankalicious.

BikeSnobNYC said...

CommieCanuck,

Hey Giorgy!

--RTMS

Anonymous said...

http://sports.espn.go.com/oly/cycling/news/story?id=6019436

I guess the new testosterone stamp patch wont be cut soon.

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

Anonymous said...

"LAY-lady-LAY LAY-across-muh-big-BRAAASSS-bed Trek"

*snickers*

Comment deleted said...

Commie - way to drop the opiates and little boys for steroids. Just beware of "grape nuts."

Slow one said...

My life is complete, my first perfect Friday quiz. Still haven't seen the unwatchable video. BMX fail almost as good as tri bike mounting porn.

bikesgonewild said...

...that vid is a perfect example of why women should be obscene & not heard...

...now, if they'd done it topless, it would have received my "rave" review but as it stands it gets a "meh" for the lame 'musical' content...

...gee...i hope i'm not being sexist...but i'm just sayin'...

Houston's LoneWolf said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hvDYsw2igTc

Any future 'wrong answer' potential?? Probably not...


FTW!

Houston's LoneWolf said...

6:31!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Test Tickle said...

"And people on recumbents will persist in looking like they're taking bubble baths and trying to work the hot and cold water knobs with their feet."

OUTO FTHE

BALL PARK

PURE GOLD

balls.

bikesgonewild said...

...lest we forget while being strangely aroused by lovely blonds riding 'ball-bikes', that those qualify as recumbents...

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

that is a loooong four minutes...


...but if you put your head close enough to your monitor, you can see bush.

the Decider said...

Aaaahhh, we've got bush. We've got bush.

mander said...

PERSONAL BEST! Every question right, including the bonus!

P.S. "people on recumbents will persist in looking like they're taking bubble baths and trying to work the hot and cold water knobs with their feet." is a gem.

have a great weekend everyone.

Plastic Floyd said...

SNOB,

A Brooks saddle?

Organicville.

Can ya feel it all starting to slip away?

Get a BIG life insurance policy just in case. Educating a future 'International Hand Model'
will cost at the least $400,000.

Just sayin ...

Stupid Name said...

"Cycling in New York is booming. The Department of Transportation is adding 50 miles of bike lanes per year, and DOT numbers show a more-than-100 percent increase in everyday bike commuters -- from 8,499 in 2006 to 17,451 now."

New York City population — 8,008,278

Damn you got a real big problem up there, I think they should outlaw those senior citizen hating bikes.

Stupid Name said...

Comment section of bike license

"The Masses Are Asses
01/14/2011 7:19 AM
Pedestrians get into accidents too. Should we get stickers on our legs?"

He/She is my hero. I want to be He/ she when I grow up.

I wonder how much the nyc pedestrian leg tat will cost?

Even Slower said...

Ditto for me, Slow One. First perfect, ever! I'm so excited it's pathetic.

Decider: NERRRRRRRRDDDDS!

Gonna be a great weekend now!!

g-roc said...

Hey CC, a little extreme. That's why there's a mute button. If you play your own soundtrack, some of it is kinda watchable.

chris greene said...

72nd sukkahzzz!! & I got 100% on da quiz

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Yep, working the hot and cold knobs with the toes is a great one. That's why I keep posting here. Just when you think the well of recumbent humor has run dry...

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I only missed the NYC bike registration question but got the bonus fitness one so happy to announce my first ever 100% fum quiz.

GWFTSLS* said...

ON A COLD WINTERS NIGHT LIKE THIS I COULD REALLY REALLY GO FOR A NICE HOT KARL OR TWO.

COTTON TUBE SOCK ONLY!

MY SKIN IS VERY EXTREMELY SENSITIVE.


*GWFTSLS = Guy With Face That Smells Like Shit.

Green Idea Factory said...

Never always don't wear a helmet.

leroy said...

R-r-ride w-w-warm a-a-all!!!

I'm f-f-freaking f-f-freezing.

princess said...

so sweet
Entertainment

Top said...

STOV TOPP

hoot79er said...

Those rap-chix made my vaginae moist. I'm a crabon riding lez trapped in a male body.

The girl in the short skirt said...

Panties!
Is it even possible for the frame (or any other part of a bicycle) to fail in any manner other than catastrophically? And which is better--an epic fail or a catastrophic failure? My panties never fail.

Anonymous said...

HAHHHAHA. Great work Snob. Best opening paragraph ever!

Anonymous said...

If not for the ANALRETENTIVE types, there wouldn't be any organized Anti-Salmon, Anti-Shoaling, Anti-Hot Karl education out there at all! By snobby knows this and just likes to tease the teachers...

bikesgonewild said...

... quick ride in the park this weekend, bsnyc/rtms ??? ...

Detective Jaques Strappe said...

YOU HAVE YOUR,

HOT KARLER

AND YOU HAVE YOUR

HOT KARLEE


THATS WHAT MAKES THE WORLD GO ROUND

Anonymous said...

The Germans showing how to get things done. Perhaps we need some car or bike burnings too in our own yuppie ghetto that sits on Bedford Avenue.

Anonymous said...

forget it...I live here. Here is nobody fighting anything.

Quicksquirt McHurt said...

I'd hit it.

James said...

Have you all got off the artisanal bus?
http://www.nytimes.com/slideshow/2011/01/11/dining/20110112-HATS-4.html

Anonymous said...

I am I the only one who thought about sex, when seeing the girl on the "ball bike"?

By the way, I never allways don`t wear a helmet.

Anonymous said...

He dressed himself in cycling clothes, resplendent to be seen
He hurried off to town and bought a shining new machine
And as he wheeled it to the door with air of lordly pride
The grinning shop assistant said "Excuse me, can you ride?"

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Fixie Bikes said...

That's the most frightful circus performer I've ever seen.