Swelled Head: The Shock of the Pneumatic

It is human nature to strive, and to aspire, and to endeavor to create something new, and throughout history certain visionaries have used this impulse in order to change the way we live. Thomas Edison with his lightbulb; Steve Guttenberg with his printing press; and Al Gore with his Internet are just a few things of which we once could scarcely have conceived, but now we cannot conceive of living without. However, sometimes striving, aspiring, and endeavoring are a waste of time, and certain visions are simply illusions, mirages, and "pies in the sky." These impossibilities are our White Whales; our Siren seductresses; the windmills at which Donkey Hotey tilted. Examples of these are the alchemical process of turning lead to gold; perpetual motion machines; and of course the so-called "helmet hat."

Still, designer after designer continue to drive themselves to madness in pursuit of the untold riches that will follow should they manage to design a helmet that looks enough like a hat that everybody will want to wear one. Even "biking" advocate and patron saint of gentrification David Byrne has tried. His attempt was the so-called "NYC helmet," and here's a picture of it:

As you can see, Byrne was betting heavily on the "Saving Private Ryan"-chic look taking off, and as you can also see even he's too embarrassed to wear it.

The latest foolhardy attempt at the "helmet hat" takes a different approach, in that it really isn't modeled after a hat at all. (Still, I consider any form of "stealth helmet" to be a helmet hat.) Instead, it is modeled after an automobile's air bag, and it was brought to my attention recently by a reader. Here is the airbag helmet hiding in a scarf, which is totally inconspicuous apart from the fact it looks utterly ridiculous:

(Is there also one in his saggy crotch?)

And here is post-deployment:


Yes, this inflatable babushka looks just as fabulous filled with air as it does bunched beneath your chin like a foreskin around the penile glans. So how does it work? Comically well, as it turns out, which you can see in this crash test video:

I can't wait until the Beautiful Godzillas of the world's cosmopolitan cities adopt the pneumatic schmata and start riding around like a bunch of courting lizards. I also hope they do extend the concept to underpants as in the above picture, since that could go a long way towards eliminating accidental unwanted groinal contact in crowded subway cars.

I suppose an increase in "helmet hat" design in a natural consequence of the increase in cycling in many cities. Another natural consequence is bike lane bickering, and the new bike lane in Park Slope (home of the King of Park Slope and his concubines, presumably organic and on loan from the Park Slope Concubine Co-Op) continues to attract controversy like a Cat. 5's calf attracts chain lube:

I don't live in Park Slope, but I do pass through this corridor on a regular basis, and unlike the other protected bike lanes in Manhattan it seems to operate fairly smoothly. I also have yet to witness the increased motor vehicle traffic its opponents always seem to reference. Really, the main problem seems to be that people are simply unable to wrap their heads around the wild concept of a lane that is just for bikes:

"The bikes are a hazard because we can't cross. We forget that there are bike lanes. We go to cross to get over to the other side and we say, 'Oh my God.' You have look both ways," said one Park Slope resident.

Somebody's inability to remember something or to swivel his or her thick head in more than one direction should not be a factor in city planning. If you forget there are car lanes and walk right into them should we tear up the streets? If you forget you need a bridge to cross over water and walk right into the East River and drown should we then pave over the river? Where does tip-toeing around people's stupidity and obstinacy end? The entire length of the sidewalk is already full of signs and painted messages and flashing lights warning cyclists and pedestrians to look out for each other. Maybe Park Slopers--pedestrians and cyclists alike--just need shock collars like disobedient dogs.

Yes, for all their smugness the truth is that cyclists are just as clueless as pedestrians (all of us being both cyclists and pedestrians at one time or another). Sadly, though, we can't really afford to be, since we're now under more scrutiny than everybody else--as every grade student knows, once you get pegged as a "bad" kid you can do no right. I'm bracing myself for the day when the city gives up on "bike friendliness" and yanks all those bike lanes right out from under us. I suspect that when this happens the "bike culture" will be secretly pleased, since it will cement their "outlaw" status. Plus, riding in a bike lane without making a fashion or political statement is boring, whereas riding in Critical Mass is not only cool but also highly lucrative. As for me, I've already got one Sidi unclipped, and I'm one more steep run-up away from dismounting completely and "portaging" my Ironic Orange Julius Bike right out of this burg and leaving it to the investment bankers, the hipsters, and the footmen who serve them.

Unfortunately, no pedestrian wants to hear that they should look both ways before crossing the street, and no cyclist wants to hear that they should look out for pedestrians--even the stupid ones who don't look both ways before crossing the street. Similarly, no fixed-gear freestyler wants to be told that they should "get a BMX." This is the most offensive thing you can say to a fixed-gear freestyler, and even though they're moving to smaller diameter wheels and using axle pegs now, when it comes to doing tricks on bikes they prefer to maintain the delusion that they're creating something from scratch. Consequently, in the fixed-gear world the whole BMX thing is sort of the "elephant in the room"--and quite an agile elephant it is too, for another reader recently forwarded me this impressive video:

Tim Knoll BMX from tim knoll on Vimeo.

Though I suppose somewhere, an olympic gymnast is muttering, "Get a pommel horse:"

Still, Tim Knoll does make doing tricks on a bike look easy--though not quite "Free and Easy." For that, you need to turn to Eric "Slohan" Clapton:

As many people know, Eric Clapton is a bicycle enthusiast (though, like most fixed-gear enthusiasts, he prefers collecting them to riding them) and yet another reader spotted this "lifestyle" magazine recently in Japan. Unfortunately, he did not send me a photo of the "Rugged Men's Outfit" also contained therein, though I suspect it looks something like this:

This fall is going to be all about the "Masked Night Rider"-chic.

Lastly, I have not forgotten about the First (And Last) Annual BSNYC/RTMS Cockpit of the Year Award, though I must confess that even now I am barely treading water in a vast sea of "Cockie." For example, here's a submission spotted in Stockholm that uses bar ends to great effect:

I call that the "Stockholm Syndrome."

Meanwhile, from Kentish Town, London (it's not Kent, it's only Kent-ish) comes this Hulk Hogan-piloted setup:

Notice the bar tape and plugs have been removed for maximum goring potential, which is often called "the Pamplona."

I was also fascinated by this more abstract submission. Says the sender:

I don't think this qualifies as a cockie submission, since it's more of an artist's conception, but I figured I would send it anyway. A mechanic at my LBS drew this up in front of a customer to make sure he had re-assembly directions correct. He turned the paper around to ask the customer if this is how they wanted it, and she looked at him oddly and nodded, confused. It took him a few minutes to figure out why he got the funny look.


Of course it qualifies. A "Cockie" contest that would disallow a submission wherein a person drew a phallus, showed it to a customer, and then asked, "Is this how you want it?" would be no kind of contest at all. Neither would one that didn't include a submission incorporating PVC and no fewer than three stems:

Very impressive indeed, though it would have been even better if the two auxiliary stems were adjustables.