Thursday, October 28, 2010

Pressing Issues: Matters of Miner Importance

I didn't become a bike blogger in order to do "work;" instead, I did it because it seemed like a relaxing way to sit in front of a computer all morning in my underpants. However, even into the most pantsless life a little responsibility must fall, and it is now my responsibility to remind you that I will be giving a presentation at the Philly Bike Expo this Saturday, October 30th, at 2:00pm. That's right in between Yoga For Cyclists (which is much easier than Advanced Autofellatio) and Georgena Terry's presentation (Terry being the inventor of the road bike with the tiny wheel in the front that inadvertently launched a "fixie" trend):

It also, unfortunately, conflicts with the presentation of Drew Guldalian, who happens to build very nice bikes, which I know because my friend has one and I've ridden it:

Given this, as well as the fact that I'm intrinsically not very interesting, I know that I have to work in order to draw people to my presentation. To this end, I will first remind you that the Philly Bike Expo people have a "special" going, wherein you get a copy of my book:

Secondly, I will also tell you that the seminar I've prepared is more than entertaining; it's actually a major opportunity to get in on the "ground floor" of a tremendously exciting business venture. I can't tell you what this venture is, and I also won't confirm or deny that it involves time shares, but I will point out that the weather is quite lovely in Boca Raton at this time of year and just leave it at that. Plus, in addition to all of this, I will be giving out prizes, which will consist mostly of stuff I have lying around at home. For example, if you can believe it, Rapha actually just sent me some of their "performance skincare:"

This was very generous of them, and I'm honestly grateful, but the truth is that I have an aversion to scented unguents, and I could smell this stuff before it even got off the mail truck. (It smelled kind of like the bowls of potpourri they keep by the door in the sorts of shops that sell candles and teapots.) I'm also an avowed "lowbrow" when it comes to chamois cream (if you don't know, chamois cream is the stuff you put on your "lowbrow"), and the local pharmacy serves my crotchal needs just fine. (My motto is: "If it's good enough for a diaper, then it's good enough for my bib shorts.") Also, I once had an accident involving hot embrocation that is too graphic to relate here, and I'm now afraid to get anywhere near the stuff.

So, what this means is that I will award this deluxe Rapha Performance Skincare fun-pak as a prize at my BRA. By the way, it will also come in this Rapha sack, which is perfect for pretentiously storing that spare tubular tire you keep toe-clipped to the underside of the saddle on your Serotta, ostensibly in case of a puncture but in reality merely as a sort of "retro" affectation:

Or you can stuff it full of potpourri and hang it in your closet.

But this isn't the only prize I will dispense. I'll also rummage around and see what else I can find, and these items could include lights from Knog as well as perhaps a t-shirt or two. Moreover, I will attempt to dispense these items in a fashion that is enjoyable to all present. So I hope to see some of you there on Saturday, and I hope you will refrain from pelting me with cheese steaks.

Moving on, in the spirit of "work" and fulfilling responsibilities, it's also time to conclude The First (and Last) Annual BSNYC/RTMS Cockpit of the Year Award, sponsored by Just Coffee Cooperative, who won't listen to me when I tell them they'd make a lot more money if they'd just start exploiting people. Yesterday, you voted on the finalists, and here were the winners when I arbitrarily closed the polls this morning:

I. Best Antler or Animal By-Product


As you can see, "Antlers Sur L'Herbe" won by a comfortable margin:



II: Best Aero



In this race, a conservative gravel-phobic base rallied to make sure that aerobars are used only on the road:





III: Best Multi-Level
(The Sheldon Brown Memorial Biplanar Cockpit Award)


In this emotionally charged race, Jacob's Ladder was the clear favorite:




IV: Best STI



It was a very tight race, but the "Upright" configuration won by a rattly worn 9-speed STI lever top cap:




V: Best Owner "Curated" and Piloted



Also a very close race, in the end "Steering Wheel Guy" flipped "The Kansas Sail" the "bird:"




VI: "Freestyle"
(Anything Goes!)




And finally, in the always sensational "Freestyle" competition, the Terry Gilliamesque network of pneumatic tubes that is the "???" cockpit won decisively:


Thus having established the best-of-breed, it's now time to determine the Best In Show and finally put this contest to bed like a naughty dachshund. Simply vote below for the cockpit you like best, and the number of votes each cockpit receives will determine the first, second, and third place finishers:

This Is It! Who Should Get The "Cockie?"


Once the voters are in, that will be that, and three very lucky and potentially overstimulated people will receive their "Cockie" coffee.

Speaking of elections, a number of people have informed me that this bloated saddlebag was recently elected the mayor of Toronto:



Sadly, all I can do is offer the people of Toronto my condolences. I was particularly confused by his self-defeating argument that people shouldn't ride bikes because "roads are built for buses, cars, and trucks, not for people on bikes," since if anything it means that the roads need to be upgraded. That's like saying people shouldn't use computers because "our communication infrastructure was built for letters and telegraphs, and not for the Internet." Of course, he does have a sensitive side:

My heart bleeds for ‘em when I hear someone gets killed, but it’s their own fault at the end of the day.

His heart may be bleeding, but I suspect it's due not to the dead cyclists but to his corpulence, and that it has ruptured from the strain of pushing blood through his fat-clogged arteries. Unfortunately for him, "artificial hearts are built for health-minded people with congenital heart defects, not for people who eat all their meals at Tim Hortons."

Meanwhile, speaking of self-contradictory worldviews, a fellow Twitterer has informed me that the "57 Things" guy was on the CBS Evening News recently:



At first I was puzzled as to why a minimalist with a small amount of stuff would need such a big apartment:

But then I remembered that he and his girlfriend actually had a whole lot of stuff--until they broke up, leaving him in a typical "my girlfriend just left me" apartment. Fortunately though he still has a full wardrobe that easily contains at least 57 hangers:

He also still has his bike, which may or may not be a fixie but definitely has the top-mount-lever-only brake lever configuration so conducive to that "out of the saddle, hands on the bar tops" thing that "hipsters" love to do:

Meanwhile, CBS Evening News juxtaposes the incidental minimalism of a guy whose girlfriend just left him with the cluttered apartment of a former sorority sister who desperately clings to her sticker and shoelace collection:


Here she is standing in her closet:

I give it six weeks before she and "57 Things" guy move in together, and six months before she leaves him after a protracted fight about closet space.

They even talk to a professional organizer, whose orderly wood pile is a testament to his abilities:


But who fails to explain how having a bunch of cabinets you don't use is "minimalist:"

Really, it's no different from having a bunch of stickers you don't stick to anything, or a box of shoelaces you don't put in shoes.

By the way, I'd bet my Ironic Orange Julius Bike that the professional organizer with the tidy woodpile owns one of those artisanal axes:


Even though they're hopelessly out of style, since a reader informs me that it's now all about the designer pick axe:


Thanks to that rescue in Chile, urban lumberjacks are out, and "hipster" miners are in.

99 comments:

le Correcteur said...

First finally!

Anonymous said...

First

le Correcteur said...

And second!

le Correcteur said...

Well, and third and fourth?

Paul Bowen said...

Top five?

ringcycles said...

Again?!?

shoegazer said...

rad biscut

Anonymous said...

::Breakdances::

Anonymous said...

top ten woo!

innerlighter said...

top 10

Charles said...

11, and damn proud of it!

Anonymous said...

Wall art AND home defense! Gimmee!

Anonymous said...

top20eel

Anonymous said...

TOP HUNDRED WOOOOO!!

g said...

That had to be the most difficult decision I have had to make in some time.

Reach for the stars, Jacob's Ladder, reach for the stars....

old hipster said...

Does the minimalist guy have a bunch of shit stashed at his parent's place? If not, did he throw out all of his old pictures, stuff from when he was a kid, etc? That's pretty hardcore.

In a masochistic sort of way.

Maybe he lost all his crap in a fire. He doesn't seem to own anything that is more than a year or two old.

samh said...

I'm sorry, Toronto. So sorry. And I thought my fair homeland had some pathetic politicians.

Buffalo Bill said...

Way to go Tronna! Unfortunately Canada's epicenter of smugness is going straight to hell, while redneck cowtown elected this guy

randy said...

why one/rent an apartment when you have a tent? this "mnmlst" guy is a fraud.

Anonymous said...

Tsnusnami miners trump pretentious American minimalists.

My Parents keep stuff, so I don't have to too.

Bad Lawyer said...

Mr. Walsh even organizes his facial hair.

Quicksquirt McHurt said...

I'd hit it.

ringcycles said...

anon: 12:54, no, no. Autumn is almost over. Wait for the Spring Pick-axe with the jaunty english tan leather grip and silk trim.

ant1 said...

ant1st!

San Fran Nan said...

If you don't vote for us, it's because you're too fucking stupid.

urchin said...

May I point out that 'Jacob's Ladder' has a top cockpit with unattached brake levers? A soaring but hollow attempt. I cast my vote for the fervent and functionally nonsensical:

???

NPJ

Anonymous said...

Look how many things the minimalist has in his kitchen! Nothing in the cabinets maybe, but I see a shitload of knives and a blender.

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

Libertarian said...

I abstain.

Anonymous said...

If he was really minimalist he'd live in a yurt.

Minimalism sponsored by apple said...

He's such a good consumer that he only needs 57 perfect little thingies.

Doug said...

The Toronto and Calgary political contrast only reinforces what I and many Québécois have thought for a long time...Toronto SUCKS!
I've been to Calgary, and I've never seen a friendlier city. Bravo, Calgary, and F*** off Toronto!

Curt Gilker said...

QUOTE [Unfortunately for him, "artificial hearts are built for health-minded people with congenital heart defects, not for people who eat all their meals at Tim Hortons."]

Funniest thing I have read in years!!!

The Cheat said...

Does Mr. Minimalist count hangers in his 57 items?

And, who uses a handle on their pickaxe? Talk about blisters!

hillbilly said...

das ist nicht richtig

ervgopwr said...

Wow, Torornto I'm sorry.

Just to follow up, the roads are for tanks and other car crushing vehicles.

When that fuckers car is run over by my TANK, my heart will bleed with joy.

CommieCanuck said...

When Rob Ford eats at Tim Horton's, he brings his own pitcher of melted cheese.

Rob likes to call the huge Toronto Asian community, "orientals". Ironically, this same group voted in a fat, dumbass, pothead, wife beater, over the possibility of the first gay Mayor. Ford is just not fabulous.

His first order of business is to remove $9B worth of transit upgrades. If he gets all the Streetcars, buses and bikes off the road, there will be less traffic, because the other option is teleportation.

Yes, he really is that stupid. Canada can now officially drop all political smugness, for as bad as Rush Limbaugh is, no one has voted him into any office.

True story: I went to school with this asshole, he always knew where to get weed.

Anonymous said...

brilliant

PawnShop said...

Meh. Tiny front wheels notwithstanding, I think Georgina's real claim to fame would be designing a saddle that's so vagina-friendly that it sorta looks like one.

CommieCanuck said...

Car-onto is the douchebag capitol of the country. The douchiness in some areas is rampant, nary a single Detroit auto to be seen for miles of German sport sedans.

Cycles J Bryant said...

"At first I was puzzled as to why a minimalist with a small amount of stuff would need such a big apartment"--Especially for someone with "location independence."

crosspalms said...

I promise to make fun of Toronto Tuesday night once I'm sure we haven't elected any wack jobs here. For now I think I'll order a Toronto Cycling Map as a collectible.
Go ???! If we make it famous, maybe someone will post video and we can see how the damn thing works.

ervgopwr said...

Commie,

Want to borrow my tank?

Did I mention it's a TANK!?

Anonymous said...

Wall worthy art that serves as a last resort home defense weapon???

... Now that's a selling point

H

streepo said...

Commie,
It's nice to know that even the lowest scum such as Ford have at least one redeeming value. The ability to always find weed is one of the greatest virtues a person can have.

Ante said...

Poor Toronto, my heart bleeds, so sorry.

dux said...

somewhere sometime someone said:

fat and stupid is no way to go through life.

It has yet to each some parts f the north.....

bikesgonewild said...

...sad that the city of my birth, 'hogtown' (that's honestly it's nickname) has appropriately voted in a FAT CORPULENT PIG as mayor...

...oh, sorry...i didn't mean to yell but that STUPID MOTHERFUCKER's little speech got to me...

...wow...nothing funny today...that PRICKs attitude is fucking sad...

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Bike Snob NYC said...
"I once had an accident involving hot embrocation that is too graphic to relate here"

Christ sakes snob! if we can have rad biscuits and girls peeing on turtles surly we can hear about your embrocation accident.
Great post today btw.

Oy Vey said...

All the fat kids we teased in grade school (Karl Rove, Rob Ford) are now in politics with a chip on their shoulder, though you often can't see it due to their many many chins. Or neck folds. Whatever that stuff is hanging over their shirt collars. Is that guy a Jabba the Hut or what? Geez. How about laying off the spoonfuls of raw animal lard each morning for breakfast?

Of course, this guy got elected, right? Nice job Toronto! Now you are really just Les Etats Unis du Nord!

Orlowski said...

Nothing like leaning into a meat slicer.

leroy said...

CommieCanuck's recollection of young Ford has the ring of truth.

The newly elected Mayor seems to have fried more than a few brain cells and given himself over to more than a few bouts of the munchies.

But we here in the lower 48 can't be too smug. Mr. Ford's physique and tranportation views remind one of the current New Jersey governor who just killed a rail tunnel under the Hudson. The reasoning must be that fewer local jobs will result in fewer locals and thus no need for additional public transportation infrastructure.

And we here in the lower 48 will certainly elect someone equally dumb on Tuesday -- there sure are a lot of dummies to choose from.

Anonymous said...

LOL, that rapha bag looks just like a Bull Durham tobaccco bag of yore.

http://image.timepassagesnostalgia.com/watermarked/imagesd2/d276durham.jpg

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

"Bloated saddlebag" Well said sir.

Udder said...

I think Peter Walsh, the professional organizer, should spend some time organizing his face and body. It seems his pubic region has been misplaced on his chin.

Salty and Sore said...

hahaha!

Udder and Pawnshop must have coordinated their comments today, like a hipster matches his outfits to his fixie. Nicely played.

Sorry, Toronto. You all deserve better. I will say that the new mayor seems to be a drug-induced-Asian-child-prostitute-scandal waiting to happen.

Lock up your children.

NV resident said...

Re: His Whore-ner the Mayor:

This is a harbinger of the future, dear friends.

Rob Ford said...

Ray, call me. I remember you. I got your weed.

Yoda, Jedi Master said...

I sense fear, and fear leads to anger, and anger leads to hate. Turn from hate and embrace the Good side of the Force.

Rush Limbaugh said...

Oh, Brother, Where Art Thou?

Anonymous said...

Mr. Snob - obviously you don't know that having a cheese steak thrown at you in the highest of honors in Philly. The hot onions burn so good!

cycle

db said...

Pulaski!
.

Bobby said...

Somebody say Pulaski? I swung one for years as a devout brush monkey. Keeps the arms limber for some handlebar time. Gung Ho! Gung Ho!!

Sounds like this Ford twink is jealous of all the fit cyclists in Toronto, does it not?

Octavian said...

Marty Markowitz has a Canadian cousin!

As for me, I say it often and I say it loudly:

THE BIKE LANES ARE TOO DAMN FEW!!!

Frank Eeckman said...

The Philly people need a spell checker and Toronto needs a new mayor.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Almost 3,000 votes recorded in the Cockie semifinals. That's a lot of people foffing off when they are supposed to be working!

Voice of Wisdom and Reason said...

What a bunch of whiny liberal pussies.

This Jaba the Hut guy says things that are true on the face of it:

1. The roads aren't built for bikes. Shit, is that fucking obvious to everybody or what? Yes, they need to be modified, but the fucktards who built the damn things weren't thinking about cyclists at the time.

2. It's often the cyclist's fault. Snob has posted seemingly endless photos of bike salmons, idiots running red lights, fixie douchebags going down expressways without brakes, but when Mr. Ain't Missing no Meals points it out, you all go crying off to Mamby Pamby land. Bunch of fucking crybabies.

3. Yeah, he could use another cheeseburger. Fuck him. Fuck you too. Crybabies.

Voice of Wisdom and Reason PAC said...

Now accepting donations for the Elect Voice of Wisdom and Reason Mayor of Toronto campaign.

bricycle said...

I love that conservatives (like Ford) have planted their flag in the concept of personal responsibility, yet when a cyclist is hit its the fault of the car or the bus or the truck or the road.

Anonymous said...

Dux said, "fat and stupid is no way to go through life" Dean Wormer, Animal House. Just sayin

cyclotourist said...

While sublime in it it's curation, I think Jacob's Ladder should get some negative points as it is on a recumbent. Doesn't seem so out of the ordinary or special in that context.

Anonymous said...

The pickaxe company also offers some sweet bottle opening technology on their home page.

crosspalms said...

For a buck less you can get the Areaware bottle opener (bent nail in a piece of wood) the NY Times wrote up yesterday. Available at the Museum of Modern Art? Of course.

Meh? said...

@ Wisdom and Reason etc.

So wait, being smart and thin is liberal and being fat and stupid is conservative?

Nice use of the word pussies by the way. You must have practiced.

Anonymous said...

Well, I open a lot of beer, and I gotta say, Park Tool makes the best opener I've ever used:

http://www.parktool.com/product/bottle-opener

Anonymous said...

Chris Farley is right, bikes don't belong on the roads. Row Add Row Add Row Add...

Biscuit said...

You make my chamoise cream !

Christy said...

love Walsh's minimalistic decor in the background. And the fat politician... just jealous cause it hurts for him to ride down the street.

PawnShop said...

What is this "working", of which you speak?

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some, ah, embrocating to do. Yeah, that's it.

Anonymous said...

Toe-STAPPED to the seat rails, dude.

Toe CLIPS are the springy steel things. Not to be confused with ROACH clips...

leroy said...

Dear Mr. Wisdom and Reason --

I wish to apologize in advance for all the hurtful comments that will surely come your way as a result of your efforts to stir up a little controversy with your observations.

And in the spirit of friendship, I think we should all just kiss and make up right now via the magic of the interwebs.

So please press your lips against your computer monitor and I'll see if Frilly is available to represent the rest of the BSNYC commentariat.

Go right ahead and press your lips to your screen now. I'm sure none of us will be pressing our buttocks to our screens while you wait.

Charlie Didrickson said...

rob@robfordformayor.ca

please join me in sending the mayor your thoughts

Anonymous said...

CHES STAK

TAST GOOD

Anonymous said...

57 things. I own more underwear than that. He must do lots of artisanal batches of laundry in his sink. I wonder if soap is included amongst his 57 possessions, or if he just stinks.

crosspalms said...

Hats off to Leroy. All proceeds from my sales of "Crybabies for Bike Lanes" stickers will go to the charity of his choice.

Vegas said...

@cyclotourist - The chair is not what makes a recumbent, it's the lying down. The chair is just what facilitates the reclining (usually). JL's use of the chair (of dubious origins: office? lawn? auto?) is adding to the ZBC factor, not detracting from it.

Loren said...

HAHAHA! All I can think about now is when Zoolander jumps out at his Dad in the coal mine.

Anonymous said...

While these are not hipster fixie riders, they are definitely hippy freulein riders and quite good ones at that!

http://wimp.com/bicycleskill/

cyclotourist said...

@Vegas: I stand corrected. My cockie appraising skills need a tune up!

dux said...

The common generational illusion that each grouping has found a new challenge unique and discreet to itself.
Hipster is not a new groove because Sinatra ran that rabbit years ago.
But defending the illusion is not enough as there will be usurpers.
Fool enough to believe the pie in the sky is reserved for them.
On the street brakeless arrivistes collide in blissful oblivion.

Anonymous said...

Anon 10:42, I've seen the start of that video before and given that Bike Snob is the sole purpose of the internet as far as I'm concerned I assume that I saw it here. However, thanks for posting the address as it is worth watching all the way through, it only gets better/worse. I would suggest that they are in fact hipsters... Hyper Hipsters. There is the extreme fixie skillz of course, but take a closer look and notice the black jeans so tight they can only be removed with an artisanal rescue knife and the retro nationalistic leotards worn with such a refined and cutting sense of irony that the sentiment appears authentic to the casual observer. If you keep your eyes peeled you may even catch a fleeting glimpse of the nasty full body art lurking beneath their long sleeved outfits. A couple videos back on that same site you can view the Daschund of Time passing time:
http://www.wimp.com/fetchmachine/
ce

7sp said...

I suggest "???" should be disqualified on the grounds of not actually being a cockpit at all but in fact an auxiliary drivetrain. You gotta go with the webshop definitions in cases like these.

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure that the minimalist guy is showing the reporter a bong in his cupboard.

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Fixie Bikes said...

Wow bike with antlers? Car owners will just start shooting on sight.

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