Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Authenticity: If You Have to Ax, You Can't Afford It

As you may have noticed, the Tour de France bicycle race is underway (as is my Tour de France-themed webular log for Universal Sports, which you can find here). So far, the riders have been beset by crashes, and since today's race incorporates "samples" from Paris-Roubaix many people are speculating that the peloton will go down like Jenga blocks on the hood of a Chevy Nova. In particular, many fear for Alberto Contador, who does not have much "savoir pavé," and they're acting like the second his tires hit the cobbles he will be launched into the stratosphere like some sort of fingerbanging jack-in-the-box. Frankly, I think these fears are unfounded; not only is Contador an experienced professional, but he's also been coached by Peter Van Petegem, the most hirsute Classics rider cyclesport has ever seen. So blessed of follicle is Van Petegem that he served as Johan Musseuw's hair transplant donor, and Contador will doubtless be carrying a swatch of his thick and lustrous pelt in his jersey pocket for luck as well as crash protection.

Also, as the Tour passed through Belgium this past weekend it celebrated Eddy Merckx's 65th birthday. Speaking of "Merckx porn" (I was on Friday), the Cannibal himself presented Lance Armstrong with a new "kunstbox:"

(Merckx rummaging around in Armstrong's "kunstbox.")

I don't know what a "kunstbox" is, but they both seem to be enjoying it.

In addition to "Merckx porn," Friday's post also included "ax porn" in the form of a link to this New York Times article which was forwarded to me by a reader:

When I joked about the existence of "fakerjacks" some months ago (a term which subsequently made it into the "Urban Dictionary", alongside terms such as "Cleveland Steamer" and "Glass Bottom Boat," which is apparently not an actual boat but rather the act of squashing your "kunstbox" on a glass coffee table), I never thought that such a person might actually exist. Sure, I knew many "hipsters" looked like lumberjacks, hence the joke, but it never occurred to me that they might actually incorporate the tools of wood-hewing into their contrived self-images. Apparently, though, they do, which is why this guy makes money by what amounts to "bedazzling" axes. In retrospect, though, I shouldn't be surprised, for we live in an age based on the fetishization of the prosaic. Consider the ax-bedazzler's School of Visual Arts thesis project:

Mr. Buchanan-Smith has always been interested in the small stuff. For his thesis project at the School of Visual Arts, which he later turned into a book, “Speck: A Curious Collection of Uncommon Things,” published by Princeton Architectural Press, he invited artists and other obsessives to explore everyday ephemera — things like dust, the inside of a pocketbook, the bottoms of sneakers — in words and pictures.

To some extent confronting the ordinary with a childlike sense of wonder is an important part of being an artist, but at a certain point being fascinated by dirt and crap becomes the domain of the douche, and if I had to pinpoint when exactly this happens I'd say it's the second you decide to make dirt and crap the subject of your School of Visual arts thesis project. Similarly, it can be edifying to occasionally pause and appreciate the functionality of simple objects, but perhaps the best way to appreciate them is by using them. In the design world, however, people are so mired in uselessness that something as simple as a bar of soap or a tube of toothpaste is nothing less than a revelation:

Kim Hastreiter, an editor of Paper magazine and his former boss, said: “Peter is like a regular guy with an eccentric way of thinking, and he’s interested in things that function. You know he loves a Shaker table. He probably loves a yellow pencil or a bar of Ivory soap or a paper clip or a well-designed tube of toothpaste. It’s all about stuff that’s what it is. That’s an idea that’s really popular right now.”

What Kim Hastreiter of Paper does not realize is that "stuff that's what it is" has always been popular. Moreover, appreciating "a yellow pencil" or "a paper clip" does not make someone a creative genius--though I would argue that being impressed by somebody who appreciates a yellow pencil or a paper clip does make someone an idiot. Paper might want to consider dedicating an entire issue to the guy who "curates" the neighborhood stationery store, since I'm sure a back-to-school sale would completely blow their minds. Indeed, the ability to be completely transfixed by mundane objects seems to be something shared in common by designers, babies, and dogs.

But how do you come up with the idea of creating a more expensive version of a completely ordinary object like the ax-bedazzler did? Well, sometimes it comes to you in an "epiphany," and Buchanan-Smith had the idea for the pretentious ax while preparing for a pretentious barbecue:

Then came the ax epiphany. When Graeme Cameron, a Canadian environmental entrepreneur and Mr. Buchanan-Smith’s best friend from summer camp, came to visit that January, the two embarked on a gastronomic adventure to prepare Mr. Cameron’s birthday dinner — a whole day spent gathering ingredients in Manhattan, like $200 worth of wagyu. But when they realized they wanted to cook that pricey steak on an open grill, they were stymied.

Yes, after spending $200 and an entire day they still couldn't grill their meat. Why? They couldn't find an expensive-enough ax:

Long story short: in searching for an ax to chop wood small enough to make a really hot fire (charcoal wouldn’t do, he said), all they could find was a cheap plastic-handled number from Home Depot.

At this point, it would be easy to dismiss Buchanan-Smith as a total douche, but it's also important to remember that being a douche requires deep commitment and as such is a lifestyle as challenging as any other. Just as the vegan refrains from all animal products, or Amish person eschews modern technology, so does the douche refuse any item without sufficient pedigree or price tag. Really, it's Orthodox Consumerism, and if the douche cannot find a suitably-priced tool with which to chop his pretentious charcoal, then he will not cook his $200 steak and so will go hungry (albeit fashionably hungry). The truth is, some people need to feel as though they're overcoming adversity in order to feel special, and in the case of the douche this "adversity" is the construct of an inflated price tag.

Obviously many people take this same approach to cycling, and in turn this type of cycling is sometimes used to promote other endeavors. Consider the author currently on the cover of "Poets & Writers" magazine:

I mentioned this briefly some time ago, and you may also have seen it on "All Hail the Black Market." Apparently, the author, James Kaelan (who is one bedazzled ax short of complete "fakerjackdom") has embarked on a "Zero Emission Book Tour," and his book is so smug that "the covers are made of seed paper that, upon burial, germinate and grow into birch trees:"

I haven't read the book so I don't know if it's worth the post-consumer used toilet paper it's apparently printed on, but it seems to me that the lowest impact approach of all would be just to skip the book tour altogether and stay home. Of course, then he wouldn't be able to make videos like this:



Incidentally, as this other video shows, he makes sure to bare his chest tattoo even while cycling:


In any case, if he really wanted to eliminate all emissions, then he could have saved all the promotional riding and instead delivered every single copy by bicycle--or, better, he could have foregone all the paper and simply told his tale orally like our ancestors once did. He could even do so in front of a fire made of wood he has chopped with an artisanal ax.

That would be more in keeping with the New Douchery.

146 comments:

Anonymous said...

allo

poole said...

podium!

Anonymous said...

c'est moi Martn

JoJo said...

podium?

Anonymous said...

top 5

mikeweb said...

Don't ax me where i was last week.

Anonymous said...

before ant

bam.

Astroluc said...

my axe is zero emission

top 10 with a CHOP

Anonymous said...

Top 10 SLUTS!!!!

Bad Lawyer said...

Gotta love the Eddy!

I am the still angry engine, x-ray me. said...

Urban Ax - New douchery?

Na, same old recycled douchery,
just more expensive.

Anonymous said...

When I see someone with all kinds of tattoos like mr. Zero Emissions, I think:

a) they sure look like bruises (on a pale face)
b) NASCAR

boys on the hoods said...

Top 10??

Go Ryder!!

Stupid Name said...

" but it's also important to remember that being a douche requires deep commitment and as such is a lifestyle as challenging as any other."

Fucking priceless, however my experience with douchebags, is that they do not have any commitment, the just are. Probably born that way.

mikeweb said...

So the zero emission bike tour guy had 15 flat tires, 2 broken chains AND 3 crashes during his trip?!?

I ride 3-4K miles a year and average 5 flats a year, no broken chains and haven't crashed since about 2007.

He definitely should've stayed home.

jimmynuetron said...

Where are you fellow blog followers, FBF's watching the Tour online? Damn Versus, last year I watched it on VeloTv can't find it anywheres now, bafaunguli. Seriously, video of stage highlights? Anywhere? For free of course, I don't support terror.

PawnShop said...

My flower box broke, no flowers would grow. Having scrupulously fertilized the soil with Columbus SL rust and the chamois from Lance's old skinsuit, I was perplexed. Turns out some fakerjack had planted a bunch of zero emission books where the seeds should have been taking root. Fuckstick!

DNPA IMFB

Another Phil and Paul hater said...

jimmy, i've had luck with this site for free live video:

http://www.cyclingfans.com/.

stiveaux said...

Another day of truth-tellin on the Internet. love it.

Anonymous said...

"The ability to be completely transfixed by mundane objects seems to be something shared in common by designers, babies, and dogs."

Brilliant. This should be printed in Bartlett's Quotations.

ken e. said...

PODIUM!!!

ken e. said...

whoops! it said zero comments, honest!

Anonymous said...

COBB BLES

BSTD BIEK

THOR WINS

Daddo said...

Podium!!!!!?????

(who do the course designers think they are?)

ant1 said...

ant1st!

mikeweb said...

In that picture of Lance and Eddy, damned if I can't figure out who has more gray hair.

Blaiser said...

top.... 27. I read slowly and langorously.

Good job chopping that mother down, Ace.

g said...

What I don't get is how he can consider the tour "zero emissions" when he's not carrying anything on his bike with him. I would assume that after considerably less than 1500 miles, that jersey/bib combo will become more than a little ripe. Does that stuff not count? If I charge my electric car with coal-fire power plant generated electricity that wasn't being used until I pulled it from the grid, isn't there some "emissions blame" there? What are the rules? So, I can go for a bike tour with my wife driving my V8 SUV behind me with the air on, the windows down and the stereo cranking and as long as I don't ride in it, I am zero emissions?
I really don't get it....

hillbilly said...

meet the new douche, same as the old douche

Anonymous said...

Post modern hyper-reality, when a book is about the production and promotion of a book, and not the story contained in the book.

This is like an asshole test, we will see who the assholes are by who actually reads "We're getting on". Chesty is actually laughing his way to the bank.

black dickerson said...

black dickerson

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I don't know what a kunstbox is. I googled it but all the text was that weird language with the two dots over the u's.
And what the heck is in those little vials at the bottom of said kunstbox? Hmmm?

Anonymous said...

And I wanted to buy axes from a "secret source", spray-paint them, call them designer, and sell them for ten times as much... I guess I could just replace the axe with, oh, I don't know, any common object. Fuck. This man should be spanked. Fool. Really? Axes in NYC? You need those like my bike needs a television. This guy gives art, design--whatever you want to call it--a great disservice. Thanks fuck-head.

jon said...

I'm a fakerjack
And I'm a douche.

I pose all night
Like a Scaramouche

Anonymous said...

"stationery"

Anonymous said...

and they're off!!

Anonymous said...

The guy is obviously clueless because one simply does not grill a Kobe steak over any kind of fire! There is too much fat - it will cause a huge flame up and ruin the meat. Must be cooked in a heavy pan!

Anonymous said...

... for we live in an age based on the fetishization of the prosaic.

Brilliant post today!

Write on.

Anonymous said...

The fact that this designer that "came this close to joining the British Army" didn't cut off his own feet the first time he used his axe is a minor miracle. Or a damn shame.

Assuming he actually uses his axe.

Justine Valinotti said...

Anonymous 1:24

What you've described is what's been going on in nearly all university English departments and most humanities departments for about the past forty years. Nobody talks or writes about what's in books, plays or poems anymore; they write about "context" and refer to everything from a schoolkid's essay to the utterances of people addled by substances of mysterious provenance as "metatexts."

Tatoo Twit is indeed laughing all the way to the bank. And anyone who needs to ax why he did it really needs to knock on wood. But he or she needn't worry: a headache isn't the worst thing in the world.

leroy said...

Now, now, no need for all the hating on Mr. Kalelen's opus.

Please bear in mind that one cannot enjoy an epic burrito on a California book tour if one has zero tolerance for gas emissions.

Honestly, this falls more neatly into the category of "more to be pitied than scorned."

Todd said...

Love that the first entry I read in the Zero Emissions blog involves driving to the bike shop...

I was in the middle of moving, so I had to postpone assembly till Wednesday. I had one semi-full box of tools at my new house, but quickly discovered that I had neither a bike stand, nor any of the other implements necessary for assembly, save for some allen keys and tire irons. I was devastated.

Luckily, I live in Echo Park, now. So, I drove up Echo Park Boulevard to Echo Park Cycles where I found some rad gentlemen with a plethora of tools.

southpole said...

dudes. i just read the post, and at the end noticed there were ZERO COMMENTS. i could've won this etape!
anyway that's worth a not-so-zero emission from my kunstbox.

if you want to buy stuff that's overpriced because its underdesigned you can go visit shops like manufaktum and muji.

Jefe said...

BSNYC, you have still not explained your "chopping wood" allusion of some months back. [I asked (or "axed" as they say in some boroughs), if you were racing The Tour of the Battenkill, and that was your reply]. Is there some illicit connection between cyclists and lumber jacks (fake or authentic)? Does a fetish for expensive wood cleavers equal a penchant for a costly frame, gruppo, and other assorted bike components? Is it all just innocent word play?

ringcycles said...

since fixie culture is "not for sale!", at least faker-jack culture is honest enough to be "exclusively for sale, and at ridiculous prices".

Anyone want to buy used, I mean pre-distressed, Carharts for $300?

southpole said...

ringcycles, in europe carhartt is actually branded as so-called "street wear" rather than work clothes, with prices roughly in the range you quote

Anonymous said...

funny one today. I've heard people say that every movement needs an set of extremists to get the message out, some would say that the zero emissions guy is one of those. However, a more likely guess is that he is using the whole zero emission angle as a way to promote what surely is a shit book. There is no way a guy that would make a video like that (who clearly takes his douchery way too seriously) could possibly write anything worth reading. I would be willing to bet my bedazzled designer ax on it.

dmg said...

Eh, at least the zero emission guy is trying to do something decent for the planet (regardless of ulterior motives), which is way more than most of do. I wish there was some way I could justify a 1,500 bike tour under the auspices of my work.

On the flipside, Hatchetman can totally bite it

Anonymous said...

With regret, it appears the "douche in question" appears to be a fellow Canuckistanian, countrywise. So sorry.

brother yam said...

It seems to me that Mr Douchy Artist Guy probably shouldn't be playing with sharp objects to begin with...

Aapje said...

kunstbox is either 'art box' or 'fake box'. The fact that the word for art can also mean fake is one reason why Dutch is a beautiful language.

H said...

James Kaelan crashed more on a book tour than the entire Garmin-Transitions team did in the first three stages of The Tour. He must be one hell of a bike handler.

And what's with breaking three chains and getting 15 flat tires in 1,900 miles?

CommieCanuck said...

Sigh. Douches like Kaelen are why I could never move to BC, that, and the fact that idiots line up overnight to buy 300 sq ft condos for $800K on the rumor a new one is being built.

Apparently, with enough BC bud, 300 square feet is spacious. And $800K makes , like, total sense.

PawnShop said...

recumbant conspiracy theorist asked:
"And what the heck is in those little vials at the bottom of said kunstbox?"

If you contemplate what Merckx might possess that Lance could ever make use of, the answer becomes obvious: testicle seedlings, in search of a working flower box. The whole 'künstböx' mystery sorts itself out, bit by bit - it's hydroponic!

And now the truth has emerged: the Belgian's nationalist spite toward France has motivated him to help the Americans cheat. First it was kangaroo muscles to implant in Lemond's calves, now it's kangaroo balls for Sir Lancelot.

BALL SEDZ

CommieCanuck said...

jimmynuetron said...

Damn Versus, last year I watched it on VeloTv can't find it anywheres now, bafaunguli. Seriously, video of stage highlights? Anywhere?


I simulate this year's TDF coverage on-line by watching old Youtube videos of bike crashes, and staring at a picture of Lance. Every 30 seconds, I stare at a picture of Alberto. Every two minutes, "Spartacus", then every three minutes, a pic of Andy Schleck, or if you can't find one, Karen Carpenter.

Just as good.

ringcycles said...

Southpole: $300 in Europe for carhartt's as street wear? Guess I know how to fund my vacation in Paris next year. I just hope the euro stays strong enough until then.

Jefe said...

CC, at her most bulimic Karen Carpenter outweighed Andy Schleck by 20 lbs.

Anonymous said...

jimmy and APPH:
i didn't have luck finding non-geography restricted free online access from the cyclingfans site. versus seems to have fixed the problems it was having so far and I was actually able to watch it today. not free, but i couldn't find anything else online. Am now sorry I didn't try CC's plan, which seems like a close approximation of versus coverage.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Thank You Pawn Shop. It's all becoming clear to me now!

Tex said...

I wonder if those dorks made it to Sears in their axe quest. There's a really nice Craftsman camp hatchet with leather sheath there for $29.95, made in USA. I'm sure they could have offered the clerk $100 and everyone would have been happy.

Anonymous said...

g has it right: who's carrying Mr. Zero Emissions' stuff? And how zero-emissions can he be when the video appears to have been filmed from a moto/car (presumably bio-diesel fueled or some poppycock?). Excuse me, I have to go make a pretentious video congratulatime myself on cycling to work today--without motorized vehicle support! That's right, I carried my own lunchtime book, rain jacket, and toolkit/spare tube all by myself! I even "portaged" my cell phone (meaning I had to turn back and go get it when I forgot it...).

Anonymous said...

three crashes? 2 broken chains? at his next bookstore stop he should browse the cycling section for some how-to tips.

mikeweb said...

anon 2:38,

CC's plan does work, but he forgot to mention to look at a picture of a castle every 10 minutes during the first hour.

I was able to watch the Eurosport live feed today so I got to see interviews with racers who don't necesarily ride for Radio Shack or Garmin -AND they even had Sean Kelly doing commentary.

Anonymous said...

crashes? I can't say I'm surprised. In the video, he looks like he barely knows how to rise out of the saddle and accelerate.

yogisurf said...

Back of the pack, bloodied on the cobblestones....

yogisurf said...

Lance does not need anymore kunstbox, he gets plenty.

Anonymous said...

One of the 10 videos he has on the internet shows his "cinematographer", which is douche for "cameraman", and is supposedly filming from a bike. Though that IS 2 guys and only one is carrying gear? Doubt it. Though keeping up with the author wouldn't be tough, by all accounts, it might be on a fully loaded Big Dummy.

leroy said...

Not to quibble, but I thought we lived in an age based on the fetishization of Prozac.

Imagine how depressing to be wrong on that.

Anonymous said...

that James Kaelan prick is the reason california is turning into a shithole. Zero emissions? yeah right! And the way the dickhead rides his bike irritates me. Does this dickhead gyrate like he is climbing the last steps of Mt. Everest when he is not being filmed? Total Douche bag to the hilt!

grog said...

AX ME

James said...

I don't know what you are trying to prove here. James Kaelan is not only a genius, but also has that rarest of human characteristics: the courage of his convictions. It's not people like him who are the problem in this world, but sarcastic lip-flappers like yourse...

Wait, sorry, yeah, he is a douchebag. Don't know what just happened there. I think the chest tattoo lured me into a hypnotic state of some sort.

bikesgonewild said...

..."he invited artists and other obsessives to explore everyday ephemera — things like dust, the inside of a pocketbook, the bottoms of sneakers"...

...welcome to lsd & the '60's...

...just sayin'...

bikesgonewild said...

...think i shoulda read the post a little more closely...

...my copy of "bike snob - systematically & mercilessly realigning the world of cycling" is now a dirty, sodden, water & fertilizer laden mess...

...no sign of germination, no sign of birch trees, nothin'...

CommieCanuck said...

CC's plan does work, but he forgot to mention to look at a picture of a castle every 10 minutes during the first hour.

Depends on the level of realism you want, for example, you could look at pictures of random shit that have nothing to do with cycling like painted fiberglass (crabon?)cows.
To enjoy the RAI Giro experience, a pic of a woman's cleavage every ten seconds.

I don't directly watch the World Cup, I just look at videos of insane people with funny names and hairstyles walking around a cow pasture screaming at each other for 90 minutes.

Rusty Chainsaw said...

Today's post had everything I love about your blog. Thanks Snob.

JimmyNeutron, Commie, et.al. Eurosport coverage of TDF streamed live and for free. No Phil and Paul, but good in a pinch. Checkout steephill.tv.

Salty and Sore said...

Yikes!

New Yorkers, I'm scared for you.

We have swords here. Axes, swords, I recommend discouraging the wielding of sharp objects when possible.

And what's this about encouraging folks to bury your book, like a dead pet?

Boys with low self-esteem... sad. Next thing you know, he'll take up racing.

Sean Connery said...

Hey Alex, you asshole, I'll take SWORDS for $500.

That's S-words, Sean.

Ok, then The Rapists for $1000...

That's Therapists Sean.

CommieCanuck said...

No Phil and Paul, but good in a pinch.

But who will I know is dancing on the pedals?

My God, his heart rate is 179! oh wait, that's his number.

luciferyellow said...

It's apparently only really zero emission when you have no hot showers and no houses to sleep in.

g said...

While I love Eurosport coverage (I streamed that on my work PC a good long time before OLN even began coverage), I really miss David Duffield and his long rambles about the cheese of a particular region through which the race was passing. I believe Phil got some of his style from there. Loves me some cheese, though.

Anonymous said...

Oh, Mr. Urban Axe may be the pinnacle of douchery. From the article I notice that the axes are built by a "secret source" in Maine. Anyone want to bet on whether that secret source is the WalMart of Bangor?

yyz113 said...

KUNS TBOX

Anonymous said...

What a fucking prima donna (I am refering to the author, of course).

mikeweb said...

I love Chavanel cheese. But only when it's yellow. And not flatting every 5 minutes.

Yussef said...

http://www.steephill.tv/tour-de-france/

Has lots of streaming sources under the live video section.

bikesnob, your youtube embedding is broke!

otherwise, HI-larious article. love the image of contador being launched skyword. love any image of grievous harm being doin to contador.

theshepherdsdog said...

nice tour blog snob.

yyz113 said...

feeling confused by the book cover; rorschach of him fisting a coyote, or is projectile vomiting same?

no tv?!111
(the horror, the horror...)

Anonymous said...

https://www.mainemilitary.com/productcart/pc/viewPrd.asp?idcategory=129&idproduct=617

Here's the super secret Maine ax manufacturer, only priced at it's actual value plus the bonus of no douchy, designy colorway...

Udder said...

http://www.kunstbox.net/

Anonymous said...

Too often, as one reduces his carbon footprint, he radically increases his douce footprint.

Anonymous said...

Wait wait, zero emissions? Does the car filming him not create emission? Were emissions not created in the manufacturing of those chains, tubes, clif bars, bike, helmet...I mean when it comes down to it "zero emissions" is truly impossible. Suckers

Anonymous said...

JACK AXES

Anonymous said...

Who carried the spare inner tubes, patches, and chains of the book touring fakerjack?

BTW, this zero emissions thing is absolute crap, there's no way anybody can go cycling hundreds of miles without letting out even a small ozone-depleting fart.

Cosmopoof said...

James Kaelan is obviously using a car to film him when he's ridding! cheater!

Eric Lowe said...

I'm feeling so drenched in vinegar and water that my hands appear to have turned into tangy prunes.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Looks left...looks right...

wishiwasmerckx said...

Sits up...zips up jersey...

wishiwasmerckx said...

and...100th...throws up hands in victory salute...promptly veers into barriers and crashes hard...

ez said...

Adding to his idiocy, he sells this whistle (http://www.chimesetc.com/acmetbritpol.html) for $35. The exact same whistle made by the same company at over 300% more. I dig retro and all that but his shit is ridiculous. Truly ridiculous. So it's not even getting it $200 axe, it's paying $200 for what is ostensibly a $30 axe.

Mali Soccer Referee said...

EZ, if you find yourself in the need of a whistle, you can buy a Fox 40, the official whistle of the NFL, NBA and MLS, for about $6.00 at most major sporting goods stores.

Astro said...

Zero Emissions, except for the rubber I used to patch or replace my 15 flat tires, the materials mined to manufacture the replacement parts for my 2 broken chains, and all the cotton harvested for my hundreds of feet of bandages. ZERO EMISSIONS. Oh and by the way - NO TV!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Can someone explain this to me, please? I have ridden seriously since 1983, and in those thousands upon thousands of miles, I have NEVER broken a chain.

Use a chain of the proper length and diameter for your drivetrain, clean and lube it ocassionally without removing it from the bike, and run it until it starts to shift sloppy, then replace it, and you are good to go forever.

"Break the chains" sounds like an inpatient drug rehab program or a bad prison escape movie, not a part of the cycling experience.

LK said...

wishiwasmerckx said...

The Biking Poet is not a cyclist, it's right there on the magazine cover. "Biking for the Book"

He can't ride worth shit but I bet he'll do well writing ad copy. Like Peggy Olson.

eeeeeeeeee said...

Brooklyn and the West Coast, putting the douche in duchamp 24/7.

Josh Maislin said...

Zero Emission?!? More like NOCTURNAL emissions.

Anonymous said...

Okay, I just have to ask, Sir Snob. (That has a good ring to it, I think.) I can't figure out what RTMS stands for, having read your pearls of blogular wisdom for two years!! Is is the early onset of douchery?? I had better pick up a copy of your new book in hopes of a cure.

Nogocyclist said...

Anonymous @8:25
Rip Torn Mug Shot.
See if this looks familiar.
RTMS Article

DoNotReact said...

Dear Snob,

I'm a long-time NY bicycle commuter (11 years). The recent changes to the 2nd avenue bike lane between 14th & Houston are scary! The lane now forces us into the most dangerous situations: 1. into the "door zone," left of parking cars, 2. into left-turn lanes where oncoming traffic has limited visibility, and 3. into the paths of unwitting pedestrians. The previous bike lane was far safer, as cyclists were clearly visible to traffic, situated to the right of parked cars, and clear of pedestrians. The costly “improvement” is actually a giant step backwards—I predict an upsurge in accidents, and will personally be staying in the main roadway from now on. Now the city's doing the same to 1st ave. I’d be astonished if any actual NY bike commuters participated in the design & deployment of this lane. What can we do to make them stop ruining the streets for cyclists?

Best,

Wilson

tail said...

Snob
while I'm looking at the picture of Lance and MerckXXX, I'm perplexed by the legs in the background over Lance's shoulder. While they look nicely shaven I was wondering if the Douchery Fakerjack detached them from the rider and is now letting them dry? Nonetheless I bet they were shaven by one of these nicely crafted axes

Fabian said...

ALHFMROC All You Haters Fear My Ridiculously Overtatoo'ed Chest

bikesgonewild said...

...wishiwasmerckx...agreed...

...i can add a dozen more years of seriousness, ie: 1971, without that ever happening...

...road, cx mtb...

...brakes, oui...
...breaks, non, non...

Anonymous said...

that video is greatly improved with the vuvuzelas.

WhitneyD said...

We're getting on by hurling this dog.

Anonymous said...

Zero emission my ass, literally. More damage is caused to the planet by methane and carbon monoxide emission from humans, and animals than all of the factories or cars in the world combined. This guy is just another guy praying on suckers who will actually buy in to his bullshit. I mean seriously. No to mention that it's a book, made from paper which comes from the trees he is trying to save (Even if it is recycled, he is still helping the problem, not solving).

A digital only copy would have been way more hippie. And what's with the font all over his book, and website. It looks like a blind 4 year old scribbled all over them. I could understand if it was aimed at Children (Where the wild things are pulled off the blind 4 year old font well).

Anonymous said...

HOW CAN YOU CONSCIONABLY TAG THIS POST WITH "CYCLING"????????????

Norwegian Fan said...

Did you write your Tour de France blog post halfway through the stage? I have to ask because neither the bike snob post nor the tour post mention the winner, who also took a huge lead over his rivals in the Green Jersey competition... Perhaps you have heard of the worlds greatest sprinter Thor Hushovd??? A man who put Mr. Mark I'll pick whatever diagonal line I want to pick Cavendish to shame last year with his breakaway performance to ensure victory. It is lame that you focus so much on the losers and can't even mention the winner of the race.

bikesgonewild said...

...sheesh, dude...

...suck on a lutefisk much ???...

dvestv said...

well, try to figure it out..

ringcycles said...

NorwegianFan: I like Thor, but worlds greatest sprinter? Really? You are reminding me of all the Norwegian jokes my Swedish cousins told me as a boy. For all you non-nordic types, take your favorite Polock joke and insert Norwegian instead.

BGW: what is the difference between lutefisk and snot. Children will eat snot with out being forced to.

ringcycles said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
I am the mellow engine. This morning. said...

Yea norwegian fan, you have it right.
Versus should lose the rights to cover the race. The french do it so much better, and seem to hate everybody fairly.

This is worse than watching the olympics on NBC. There are more teams than just Team Radio Snack.
More racers than Lance.

Anonymous said...

Snobby, I always really enjoy your writing but you just seem extremely bitter and overly harsh on the artist who makes axes. I know that even your harshness can be sarcastic and commentary in itself, but this time I was just turned off by the cheap shot name calling. I know you are more creative than this!

Anonymous said...

He doesn't know how to load a touring bike....low riders anyone? Broken chain? someone should whip him with it, but he'd probably like it. jimmynuetron check out http://www.fromsport.com/v-0/0/148/v-14923.html for free tour coverage...

Anonymous said...

Amidst the terrible turmoil of the fixed gear apocalypse, hipsters abandon their crumbling, dysfunctional tarck beik based trendway and embark en masse on a dire search for any remaining unpopularized and unmysticized objects that they can appropriate to sustain their rapidly weakening pretentious facade.

As fate would have it a lone hipster distracted from the general madness by an unusual genital rash happens upon a hopeful discovery beside the medicated creams. True to hipster form word spreads quickly through the social networks and the weight of despair is lifted. Doing what they do best, following one another, hipsters everywhere find themselves crowding into drug stores and surging toward stocks of the only remaining innocently functional objects in the world, douche bags.

However, the hope of reinvigorating hipsterdom with a new era of boutique douche bag centric life styling is shattered and tensions begin rising as it becomes apparent that there are not enough douche bags to go around. As desperation gets the better of the hipsters the crowd is transformed into a angry, seething mass of unfulfilled consumerism. The hipsters begin turning on one another with survivalist weapons always kept close in the off chance of one-day being caught in a post-fixed-gear-apocalyptic nightmare scenario such as this - their pretty coloured axes. Freshly severed skinny limbs begin dropping to the floor and cocktails of recreational drugs mix as blood from various donors meets upon the walls and ceiling.

Conveniently, medical supplies are close at hand and the hipsters patch themselves up quite well.

The Crabon Doucheprint of this enormous comment has been made neutral by burning a copy of We're Getting On.

ce

Anonymous said...

should have said "...that they can misappropriate..."

ce

Ronan said...

Holy shit, it's going to take James Kaelan ages to get anywhere pedaling like that. Do his knees bend sideways and not the usual way us mere bi-pedal folk make do with? Has he never heard of vertical stiffness and lateral compliance?

Stranded said...

I notice the cover of Poets and Writers mentions C.K. Williams, the most boring poet alive. At least i assume he's still alive. Too boring to die, no doubt. Stupid magazine. It would drive you to ride a fixie. I mean, poets AND writers? What, the poets aren't writers? They're what, strictly "performance artists" who must work only from memory? I'd rather read The new Yorker or ride a recumbent!

Stranded said...

I notice the cover of Poets and Writers mentions C.K. Williams, the most boring poet alive. At least i assume he's still alive. Too boring to die, no doubt. Stupid magazine. It would drive you to ride a fixie. I mean, poets AND writers? What, the poets aren't writers? They're what, strictly "performance artists" who must work only from memory? I'd rather read The new Yorker or ride a recumbent!

Stranded said...

I notice the cover of Poets and Writers mentions C.K. Williams, the most boring poet alive. At least i assume he's still alive. Too boring to die, no doubt. Stupid magazine. It would drive you to ride a fixie. I mean, poets AND writers? What, the poets aren't writers? They're what, strictly "performance artists" who must work only from memory? I'd rather read The new Yorker or ride a recumbent!

Anonymous said...

I have to admit, I had no idea wtf a kunstbox is, but I know I really have to be careful when typing that word. Either way, the image was captioned as such because nobody has any idea what the hell that thing is. Maybe we should ask Eddy.

Roller shoes said...

thnak you for share,good post

Michael said...

everyone's had a piece of zero-emissions cake by now.

but what about the all the fools who will drive hundreds of miles to see him?

Yeah there maybe some fellow douchepanions that will fix their way to him.

but seriously do some homework first and get sober before you do it.

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Rex H said...

searching for an ax to chop wood small enough?
It's called a fucking hatchett.

Rex H said...

And maybe he should invent some plant that grows small pieces of wood

Rex H said...

And maybe he should invent some plant that grows small pieces of wood

W: Home said...

I notice the cover of Poets and Writers mentions C.K. Williams, the most boring poet alive. At least i assume he's still alive. Too boring to die, no doubt. Stupid magazine. It would drive you to ride a fixie. I mean, poets AND writers? What, the poets aren't writers? They're what, strictly "performance artists" who must work only from memory? I'd rather read The new Yorker or ride a recumbent!

Bang Potential said...

oh thank goodness, the GBB cling wrap definition is still on urban dic. you scared me

Fast Auto Shipping said...

wdupp bike snob, been cruisin' any routes in the city lately?

Fast Auto Shipping said...

ride safe man

Anonymous said...

You should probably read "We're getting on" before critiquing it so heavily. It gives your article no merit whatsoever when you write about unread material. And the author knows that there are inherent flaws in the concept of zero emissions, it's an experiment. If his books grow into trees the carbon offsets will greatly outweigh the production of the books and he is going on a reading tour by bike instead of by plane or car, which is in fact a zero emission tour. Moreover this tour is mostly about the themes in the book, so I suggest you read it and write a second review.

Anonymous said...

hey douchebags, the film is a promo video for the ZEB. the tour is taking place now without a car following. all the broken chains and bandage comments are based on fiction. way to get worked up over nothing you pretentious fat fucks

kumaguma kokusai said...

Why does the cover of Kaelan's book depict someone (Kaelan himself, no doubt) punching a dead coyote in the anus? Is that some sort of meta-commentary on zero emissions? Do coyotes fart pure carbon?

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fixie bikes said...

why is that guy on the biking magazine cover?