Thursday, October 7, 2010

The More Things Change: Ushering In a New Error

Most of us are familiar with the phrase, "They don't make 'em like they used to," and while it's generally the sort of thing you'll hear muttered by ornery retrogrouches it happens to be true in many cases. For example, the pyramids they built way back in ancient times are still standing, whereas today's flimsy drywall constructions rarely last for more than a few years. Also, while it was possible "back in the day" to purchase a quality hand-crafted artisanal "dandy horse," nowadays it's all but impossible to find one that isn't far too small for the typical adult. And don't even get me started on how difficult it is to find a well-engineered abacus. Some favor Mac, others prefer PC, but in my opinion neither of them rivals the raw, minimalist computing power of some beads on a stick.

However, quality is not falling off in all areas, and in fact in some it is actually improving. The Gutenberg press used to be a big deal, but it sucks compared to the Internet. The average Dachshund is also over 30% longer than it was only 50 years ago thanks to huge advancements in dog food technology, and canine experts even predict that in order to support this increase the breed will evolve a third pair of legs by the year 2100. And professional cyclists' explanations for positive doping tests also to improve--at least in terms of entertainment value. Back in the Coppi era it used to be, "They spiked my bottle." Then, in the Vandenbroucke era, it was, "The drugs were for my dog." (In retrospect, this was a plausible explanation given what we now know about wiener dogs.) Today, it's "There was something in my meat," and Alberto Contador's cook now insists Astana has the receipt to prove it:

As everybody knows by now, a drug quiz administered during the Tour de France revealed that Contador had like a trillionth of a gram of a fad diet drug in his system, and it has since been revealed that there was also "plasticizer" in his blood, which means one of three things: 1) His blood may have come out of a bag; 2) He may be "running" those new Gore Ride On plastic arteries; or 3) He is in fact the comic book superhero known as "Plastic Man." Of course, the "plasticizer" test has yet to be validated by the World Anti-Doping Agency, so Contador's main concern is explaining the fad diet drug, hence the whole "meat" story--or, as the cook calls it in the above article, "The Notorious Day of the Steak."

But while the cook insists Astana has the meat receipt, they have yet to produce it, which is now prompting everybody in the world who has ever padded an expense report to ask, "How long does it take a bunch of bike racers to whip up a phony receipt, anyway?". Really, all you need to do is pull something like this out from between the seat cushions on the team bus:

(Number of guests changed from "9" to "8" because Vino ate separately.)

Done, and done. Just crinkle it up a bit, maybe add a coffee ring for authenticity, and start training for the 2011 Tour de France.

Another thing that is improving by leaps and bounds (or by bunny hops and elephant trunk skids) is the "epic" fixed-gear bicycle trip video trailer. Of course, by "improving" I don't mean that the artform is somehow becoming more interesting or edifying; rather, I mean that it's becoming exponentially more idiotic with each new release. The latest of these videos making the Internet rounds like an alleycat participant looking for "checkpoints" is "Down to Ride," in which seven ill-prepared people with marginal cycling skills endeavor to ride their crappy bikes from New York to Los Angeles:



"I don't think any of us have any idea what we're in for," says this person, unwittingly summarizing the vacuous mindset of an entire generation of fixed-gear riders:

"Dehydration, passing out, possibly death, but it's a risk I'm willing to take," says another rider as he manages to fall off his bicycle on a completely empty street:

"Just glad to be with my friends and on my bike," says the person who will do anything, no matter how ridiculous, as long as his friends and a bike are involved:


"I hope that everybody is aware of what I'm doing and they get out of my way cause I'm not going to get out of their way," says the guy who has apparently decided to out-dumb the three people who have spoken before him:

And who then raises his bicycle over his head as a "douche-clamation point:"

However, this being "Down to Ride"--almost certainly the goofiest fixed-gear trailer to date--he is immediately out-dumbed by the guy who skids into the frame on a road bike:

"I expect to ride plenty, bomb plenty of hills, maybe get a little scratched up, bruised...still 'DTR' baby, Down To Ride," says the final body in this pile-on of idiocy:

Judging from those glasses, he's also apparently 'DTETLOCNR,' or Down To Emulate The Look Of Charles Nelson Reilly:

But these riders aren't all talk, and they're out to prove they ride just as badly as they say they do. Here's one of them finally discovering that flat-brim caps tend to fly off the head once you exceed 1omph:

This dramatic moment is fraught with cultural significance;

I was particularly surprised to learn that Audrey Hepburn pants are still in vogue long after those Gap ads "dropped:"

In fact, the cast of "Down To Ride" appears to have used her as their wardrobe template:

To wit:

(Tarck Cavendish throws victory salute after winning Audrey Hepburn look-alike contest.)

Excluding, of course, the riders who opted to model themselves after Charles Nelson Reilly instead:

Still, as these riders make their way across the country, you can expect exchanges like these all over America:

Police Officer: "Ma'am, can you describe the bicyclist who hit you?"

Pedestrian: "Yes, he looked exactly like a young Audrey Hepburn--from the bob haircut right down to the slip-ons. Quite remarkable actually."

Meanwhile, this rider continues to sprint away from his purple hat, confident in the knowledge that the SUV driver will see the name tag his mother sewed into it and return it to its rightful owner:

Of course, it wouldn't be a fixed-gear trailer without a gratuitous shot of the riders ignoring a traffic signal, and while most videos go digital by ignoring red lights the "DTR" crew keeps it "old skool" by ignoring a good old-fashioned analog "Stop" sign:

As for the route they're taking from New York to Los Angeles, the video doesn't specify. However, since they don't have fenders or bags or proper clothes, it appears they're avoiding the surface roads in favor of indoor parking garages:

That should keep them safe from the elements.

But "Down To Ride" has more than just unintentional comedy; it also has PAIN:

And GLORY:

And RIDING ON THE SIDEWALK:

It's also ONE EPIC JOURNEY:

During which the participants actually learn important lessons about life, such as "Always hold your flat-brim cap on your head when riding over 10mph:"

And "Always cool your underarms:"


Yes, it's ONE EPIC JOURNEY all right. In fact, it's both metaphorically and literally a long ride off a short pier:

Indeed, to outdo this, the next fixed-gear crew will have to hire Christopher Guest to direct.

In any case, I do hope they at least take some time off from "hill bombing" and falling down in the middle of the street for no reason to stop and appreciate America's heartland, where one reader spotted this impressive "Cockie" submission:

They just don't make tractors like they used to.

163 comments:

Anonymous said...

hell yeah!

Anonymous said...

oh what?

Paul Bowen said...

Podium boy!

Anonymous said...

Boooo!

Anonymous said...

'FGB' baby, Future Ghost Bikes.

eagleapex said...

I wonder if they realize a whole lot of America looks like this: http://maps.google.com/?ie=UTF8&hq=&hnear=1178+S+Darien+St,+Philadelphia,+Pennsylvania+19147&ll=36.926841,-94.211884&spn=0.155066,0.271225&t=h&z=12&layer=c&cbll=36.920832,-94.208228&panoid=hGOmGg8uIDPuYr17YastqQ&cbp=12,280.94,,0,7.05
Kinda boring. Maybe another gear would help make it go faster?

Anonymous Coward said...

Top Ten!!

Anonymous said...

nice post today

bikesgonewild said...

...really ???...

Klaus Mohn said...

I see you drivin' 'round town with the girl I love and I'm like...

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

Look ma no hands said...

Yea baby!! Bout time.

James said...

You have now made me want to see Christopher Guest make a movie about fixed-gear bicycles. I'm almost surprised it doesn't already exist.

skullboy said...

3600 miles of riding like douche bags. epic.

mikeweb said...

charles Nelson Reilly is cool, but he's no Rip Taylor.

Anonymous said...

I finally understand 'fixie' culture!

By doing something which has been done before less well, they get more recognition than the people who did it better first.

No need to actually care about technique, endurance, or gear selection when sensationalism & grab-assery will buy you your 15 second's viral fame with so much less effort.

CHUK RYLY said...

"Excluding, of course, the riders who opted to model themselves after Charles Nelson Reilly insted:"

R.I.P., Charles.

CHRIS said...

BALLS TO YOUR MOTHER!!!!!

Astroluc said...

RE: Born To Ride

Oh for the love of god... not again.

JOHN DEER

(it's the harbinger of the next wave of hipster/billy transport modes)

yikesbikes said...

This is great...

Anonymous Coward said...

EPIC JRNY

mikeweb said...

That teaser was obviously shot in LA, meaning those are 'West coast' idiots. When they come here to start the 'One Epic Ride', I'm waiting for the whole 'East coast' vs. 'West coast' feud to break out.

Dudes deep V rims be gettin' worked on with bats! color coordinated tires gettin' ice picked! Chopped off flat bars gettin' heisted!!!

Shit's gonna be dope.

Comment deleted said...

idée fixe: (fr.: "fixed idea") a smug conviction that all those free-wheeling, braking, shifting lycra-knobs have no idea how it feels to have a zen-like connection with a bicycle. See also: riding like a tool and feeling special about it.

g said...

Mikeweb, I envision something more reminiscent of the fight/dance number from Westside Story. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

ant1 said...

ant1st!

g said...

Talk about an "EPIC" load of crap.

Anonymous said...

Gah, Audrey Hepburn. Went to a fancy dress party years ago, company thing. Couldn't work out who my CEO was meant to be so after several drinks I asks her.
"Oh come on!" she says "The chignon, the cigarette holder!"

"Uh, Princess Margaret?"

Went home soon after that.

SpedRazor said...

Route 80 to 5 is the most direct route.

Anonymous said...

JOHN DEER

crosspalms said...

The web site of the guys who made the DTR video says: "We are an experienced and creative team of film makers with a passion for cinema. Take a look at all the cool project we got going on." So maybe this is just one of the cool project they got going on: Those aren't real idiots, they're pretend idiots in cool project. Monkey like cool project. Monkey watch video again.

Bad Lawyer said...

From now on, I'm gonog to hang on to all my meat receipts. Keep 'em in plastic bags.

Tom Ford said...

Those are MINE!!!!

mikeweb said...

That's true g.

They wouldn't even have to change their outfits.

g said...

BL, You may want to save a sample of the meat itself, in a bag with the receipt stapled to it. Just in case.

Anonymous said...

"I don't think any of us have any idea what we're in for," says this person, unwittingly summarizing the vacuous mindset of an entire generation of fauxed-gear riders:

mikeweb said...

"I don't think any of us have any idea what we're in for"

Truer words never spoken. I wonder if any of these guys have ridden more than 100 miles in a day. 75? 50? 25?

I'm seeing purchases in their future... an image of a dog... a 'grey' dog... this dog is on the side of a large vehicle....

OK, all done. I have a ton of project to do at work.

OBA said...

Seeing a picture of Audrey Hepburn looking like a Beautiful Godzilla, complete with little dog in a Wald basket, has made my day. Thanks RTMS!

Anonymous said...

A friend and I have been debating whether Alberto Contador is a cheater, but we've reached an impasse.

Does anyone know how to pronounce "di(2-ethylhexyl) phthalate"?

Slow Joe Crow said...

Color me nonplussed but what is so "epic" about about a bunch of hipsters riding with a sag wagon and a film crew? Hundreds of people ride coast to coast every year on touring bikes. To be epic you need a rig like the metal cowboy, tandem, trail-a-bike, trailer and 3 kids, across the Canadian prairies.

hillbilly said...

holy crap that was hilarious, thanks.

grog said...

so, you seen any good movies lately?

Three toed sloth said...

CLI CHE

Just another boring hipster commercial

Wayward Son said...

Some of us can't do an 'EPIC JOURNEY' full of 'PAIN' and 'GLORY' just for the hell of it...why not? Because we 'WORK' for a living.

Pass the steak please.

CommieCanuck said...

People are so goddamn ignorant of other cultures. In Spain, it is a common delicacy to cook a steak without removing it from the cling wrap and syrofoam tray. Some boutiques restaurants in NY specialize in carna de vaca con plastico. Delicious.

Heathens.

Anonymous said...

Since reading the reports I've been beating my meat to make sure there's no plastic in it.

For $50, I would certainly expect my steak to contain performance-enhancing drugs AND the other kind.

Anonymous said...

I think the spinning wall-endo ("GLORY") exemplifies douche-clamation point more than the over-the-head hoist. And whom should get out of his way? His buddies?

Anonymous said...

lolcatz @ that whole trailer synopsis! faux-reel!

Anonymous said...

lots of pics!

Anonymous said...

I think another film crew should make an "epic" in combination with the down to ride dudes. They should do something like a death race 2000 story where the fixters try to out run/out wit a group of SUV drivers which are trying to run over the fixters. The last shot could be of the last lone fixter riding off the peer with an SUV driving off after him. That way everyone wins.

Tarck Cavendish said...

eagleapex,

Excellent point and the image doesn't even begin to do it justice.

4 days of of that ALL GOD DAMN DAY LONG!

Throw in 100 degrees, plus a constant 10 MPH headwind, constant trucker horns.

IMO, that shit is harder than the sierras or rockies.

ervgopwr said...

Mikeweb,

The trailer is actually, obviously shot in Santa Barbara CA. The American Riviera, or where Oprah, MJ and the great John Cleese have spare homes.

There is great, road, mtn and beach cruising to be done there. Not this terrible DTR shit.
Go Gauchos!

Udder said...

My theory is that AC actually injected meat right into his bloodstream with one of those caulk-gun looking things used to make beef jerky.

He could have easily ordered one from Cabela's under a fake name, say, Jose Jimenez. The plastic residue came from the bubble wrap used in the packing.

Case solved.

Amauri Martins said...

you're ace, man!

oh I miss those ol' good john deere ATB from the last pic, people just don't make 'em like they used to!

PawnShop said...

Audrey Hepburn? Outta my way, McHurt - time to hit it, hit it, hit it, and hit it again. Mmmmmm. Love me some Audrey.

Anonymous said...

I think I saw that capri-wearing schmuck in Garden City this AM. Cute look....NYCVelocity should adopt it.

Vanonymous said...

"Judging from those glasses, he's also apparently 'DTETLOCNR,' or Down To Emulate The Look Of Charles Nelson Reilly"

Is that The Situation?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Mikeweb, I get it. Greyhound bus.


At first, I thought that you were talking about yet another photobomb of a bike with a weimarainer taking a shit in the background.

Tommy said...

So their epic ride involves some old van following them with all their stuff in it? Or are they going to ride over say Colorado mountain passes without water bottles, a jacket or a change of clothes. I guess that qualifies as epic, epically stupid and they'll likely smell epically bad for most of the ride. Douches.

Anonymous said...

Too bad you can't do for DTW what you did for americanfixedgear. I think they disappeared into the mountains of CO never to be heard from again....

David Henderson said...

Tragically, one of the rider's "epic journey" ended when he did a Ted Kennedy maneuver off a pier into the ocean, never to be seen again.

PawnShop said...

Friggin' Nazzies are trying to kill the most epic form of Dutch bike.
DRNK DRYV

Anonymous said...

FARM BIKE
CORN BNDR

Anonymous said...

That receipt bit is one of your best.

Did I mention I'm an accountant?

Bad Lawyer said...

gonog?

Paul said...

Love the receipt.

Anonymous said...

I see a great future for the makers of the fine down to ride video: the production of important safety and instructional videos

Bobby said...

Just had a thought, if those guys are on the west coast, they should find a producer and scriptwriter. Let's make a douchebag version of "The Hills Have Eyes" while one gnarled fixter after another flies through the desert, riding past the mutants, screaming like a little girl. Would they even make it past city limits before crashing?

frilly said...

No doubt on the receipt! I used to be the accounting manager. And you know I saw all kinds of crazy show up on expense reports.

Very funny stuff, MikeWeb. Maybe Tupac is still alive, disguised as the guy with the 40 Planet Bike lights.

bikesgonewild said...

...an epic douchestravaganza captured by a trust fund film crew...

...hey kids, stop wasting our time...

...just sayin'...

MyWorld said...

The Spaniards' slam on French "meat", the seasoning, the vacuous mindset, and the crowning gift: Charles Nelson Reilly. Gosh, it's all just too much for one day...thanks.

mikeweb said...

Thanks frilly!

Yes! Tupac as a resurrected 'Lone Wolf' leading us all out of the darkness with 188 LEDs of enlightenment!

Bobby, 'The Hills Have Eyes' or 'Easy Rider'? Same outcome I guess, more or less.

mikeweb said...

R.I.P. Charles Nelson Reilly indeed.

Enjoy.

Anonymous said...

Maybe it will be the reverse Donner Party as they cross the Mountains. We can only hope that will be the end of this epic ride.

CommieCanuck said...

true story:

Charles Nelson Reilly had progressive vision loss over the years after Match Game. Eventually, the weight of his glasses got so massive, they cut off his breathing while he slept and he passed peacefully.

Big Glasses Syndrome, BGS, is a killer.

Elton John said...

Thanks for the warning, CC

Anonymous said...

If he doesn't plan to get out of anyone's way... I don't really see him making the state line.

Anonymous said...

Speaking of them, whatever happened to the AmericanFixedGear kids? Snark aside, I hope they're OK.

Anonymous said...

ADRY HBRN

g said...

CC,
It was quite the spectacle.


...i feel so dirty for typing that....

no effing way said...

I'm calling BS on all epic fixie long distance treks. Fixed gear + daisy dukes/shants/capris? No way they get past ONE state before their knees blow out or their taints start bleeding. Has anyone seen a successful completed journey?

that 70's game show said...

Match Game and CNR are funnier than anything currently on the boob tube.

Anonymous said...

Admit it. If audrey hepburn was salmoning down bleeker st, you'd get the fuck out of her way

Eric said...

"Also, while it was possible "back in the day" to purchase a quality hand-crafted artisanal "dandy horse," nowadays it's all but impossible to find one that isn't far too small for the typical adult."

Didn't you post about this here dandy horse a while back?: http://glidecycle.com/

Anonymous said...

The DOUCHE-TASTIC 7 return for a yet another boring adventure!

Watch them do NOTHING ORIGINAL!

Be amazed by their MEDIOCRITY!

Revel in their NARCISSISM!

Kirk O'Bee said...

That receipt is dope!

Anonymous said...

The National Anti Robo-Douche Guard approves of the pedal powered John Deere. Curious as to what PTO attachments might be available that could be of use to the survivalist. ce

bikesgonewild said...

...them hipster boys in capri pants is gonna be hearin' the music from 'deliverance' before this trip is over...

...red neckerson, you be sure n' give them tender tainted cyclin' misfits a warm, warm 'viper' welcome when they get's down yer way...

Anonymous said...

KEEP THOSE cOCKIes cOMIN'. I HAVE A FEW WORTHIES IN MY NEIBOURHOOD IF THE PRIZELISZT WA$? SRAM/DEDA?

Anonymous said...

haha DTR is awesome. everyone on this forum knows they would JUMP on the chance to quit their boring lives to ride across America. 7 guys doing something cool and get out to see the world. Stop talking and posting about it and be about it.
Everyone on this blog has no balls.

Anonymous said...

Anon. 11:22 just tested positive for douchebag plasticizer.

bikesgonewild said...

...anon 11:22pm...

...shit, son...i've done stuff that would pucker YOUR little ass hard enough your panties would get sucked up your sphincter so far when you coughed you'd be chokin' on 'em...

...ain't nobody makin' a claim that ridin' from sea to shining sea ain't cool but whatever happened to "keepin' it real" ???...

...& their bullshit, son, ain't keepin' real...fact...

Anonymous said...

Hah to bad I don't wear panties you geriatric pervert.
Maybe you did some 'wild' things like wear panties when you had a tight sphincter and pull them out of your mouth, but from the sounds of it they are still in your mouth.

Anonymous said...

There are reports of the mystery meat being veal.
There is a pretty good chance that this is the case of the missing pelota, that giant ball that LA is missing.
Lightly battered and seared in a pan.
I am sure he shared it with Andy...candle light and flamenco music.

bikesgonewild said...

...hey brainic...don't get all defensive, just answer the question...

...whatever happened to "keepin' it real" ???...

pink lobster said...

Those DTR people are like the bicycle equivalent of a bunch of hipsters trying to circumnavigate the globe by pedal-boat.

PINK LBSTR

grow said...

wooow

Anonymous said...

these guys are keeping it more "real" than any of you. just have fun and ride stop talking shit and just ride. ride, ride, ride, ride, ride, ride...

Nick said...

I love this blog so much.
The fact you noticed the matching shoes and hat is simply terrifying.
Please keep up the good work.

Motorcycle Accessories said...

when the sphincter was tight and pull out of the mouth, but it sounds as if they were still in his mouth.

AA said...

The Nelson imitator has Shimano STI levers on his bike. What a pathetic fixxie faker. Really sad day for fixxie cross country travel enthusiasts. Shifters and brakes, newer ones even; I was so inspired but now I'm getting sick with disappointment.

CycleChick said...

The guest cheque (yes, I am Canadian) is brilliant. You make me laugh every day, darling. Keep it up, keeping it real is optional.

Lantern Rouge said...

Last?

Sofa King We Todd Ed said...

Like a slow motion train crash, I eagerly await this story's conclusion. If only these retards (the royal 'these', as in all of them) had even an ounce of perspective, we wouldn't be subjected to such inane garbage, but then again, if that were the case, you wouldn't have had anything to write about, and my loathing for this segment of the bicycle population wouldn't burn as brightly.
Either way, you knocked it out of the park again today. Thanks for punching with your words.

Anonymous said...

Bikesgonewild chick seems like slut.
She has a dirty mouth.
Two men says she has panties in her mouth and she talks about putting them up her brown hole.
I would never buy a taco from her.

yofilly said...

Funny funny, Snobby. You know, when Whitney Houston was asked by Diane Sawyer if she smoked crack, she responded screaming, "I don't do drugs. I don't buy drugs. Somebody show me the receipts!!!" Shockingly, there were no receipts, hence no proof that Whitney was a crack-head. She was just a confused, misled young woman staying by her man, Bobby Brown, formerly of New Edition.

Where was I going with this????

Happy weekend, all! A nice East Coast riding weekend. Go ride your bike!

Jordan said...

After discovering your blog last week, I must say it's the most hilarious thing I've ever read. And this has been my favorite post so far.

Anonymous said...

wait his shoes aren't matching! he has red shoes and a purple hat. bike snobs don't got his facts straight!

gnarlygnu said...

is that guy coasting in the parking garage

Anonymous said...

Let's see. Here is what we have. A bunch of good looking young kids endeavor to actually DO something very challenging. Who cares what the reason is. Like riding a bike 3,000 miles was ever something anyone with any real problems would engage in.

In return a bunch of faux high minded do-nothings engage in "We the purists vs them the pretenders" circle jerking, excoriating the doers because they don't like the way they dress.

Summation: Young, good looking and doing something beats old, bitter and self important any day

System Administrator said...

Fixie hipster wannabee trolls will not be tolerated.

Anonymous said...

I indirectly know these hip idiots unfortunately, and I would just like to out them because you're sardonic ramblings about the whole DTR endeavor (if you can call it by that...a rose by any other name could still quite possibley stink like shit) happened to make me laugh like a little girl. anyways back to my point: THIS ISN'T EVEN REAL. This is a trailer for nothing. Thus far no epic journey of any sort is occuring...they went to santa barbara for a day and filmed, along with a few other locations... BUT they aren't going across the nation..... it's even more en vogue to be aubrey hepburn lookin', hat & shoe coordinating, pumpkin colored fixie riding douche...they will take their bikes a la mode

Anonymous said...

I indirectly know these hip idiots unfortunately, and I would just like to out them because you're sardonic ramblings about the whole DTR endeavor (if you can call it by that...a rose by any other name could still quite possibley stink like shit) happened to make me laugh like a little girl. anyways back to my point: THIS ISN'T EVEN REAL. This is a trailer for nothing. Thus far no epic journey of any sort is occuring...they went to santa barbara for a day and filmed, along with a few other locations... BUT they aren't going across the nation..... it's even more en vogue to be aubrey hepburn lookin', hat & shoe coordinating, pumpkin colored fixie riding douche...they will take their bikes a la mode

Anonymous said...

I indirectly know these hip idiots unfortunately, and I would just like to out them because you're sardonic ramblings about the whole DTR endeavor (if you can call it by that...a rose by any other name could still quite possibley stink like shit) happened to make me laugh like a little girl. anyways back to my point: THIS ISN'T EVEN REAL. This is a trailer for nothing. Thus far no epic journey of any sort is occuring...they went to santa barbara for a day and filmed, along with a few other locations... BUT they aren't going across the nation..... it's even more en vogue to be aubrey hepburn lookin', hat & shoe coordinating, pumpkin colored fixie riding douche...they will take their bikes a la mode

Anonymous said...

ps they are from orange county

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Fixie Bikes said...

Dude, whateves.

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