The First (and Last) Annual BSNYC/RTMS Cockpit of the Year Award: The Finalists

I've done some very difficult things in my time: I have swammed the English Chanel; I have peddled a freewheel unicycle from Nova Scotia to Tierra del Fuego; and, as you can see, I have even completed an intensive 6-month course in Craigslist spelling. However, none of these arduous tasks has approached in difficulty what has so far been the greatest challenge of my life, which has been "curating" The First (and Last) Annual BSNYC/RTMS Cockpit of the Year Award, sponsored by the smug caffeine purveyors at Just Coffee Cooperative. Indeed, so trying has this process been that earlier I accidentally launched an incomplete post into the "Internet," which I expect even now is languishing in caches and blog readers like a virtual chunk of spinach in my teeth.

So why have I undertaken this herculean (or at least homunculean) task? Well, it's because I wanted to share with you the delicious taste of my own eponymous coffee:

Of course, I don't actually brew my coffee, choosing instead to smoke it, but I am assured by those who have actually drunk it that it is quite tasty.

More importantly, though, I launched this contest because I wanted to celebrate the ZBC, or "Zany Bicycle Cockpit," and by extension the spirit innovation, exuberance, and self-expression that these rolling freak shows represent. Alas, if only I had more gimmicky coffee, I would award a bag to each and every entrant. However, my prizeways are limited, and so sadly there must be losers--even though each and every entrant is, in my view, a winner.

Even so, for simplicity's sake, let's just call these "winners" who will not be receiving bags of coffee "losers" anyway, and here are some losers who I feel are worthy of honorable mention. Firstly, there's this cockpit, spotted in downtown Manhattan:

With Segways costing something like $6,000, it's natural that people who covet the upright, reading-at-a-lectern position but find the cost too dear would attempt to replicate it on a far less expensive bicycle. But while I find the so-called "Segway conversion" compelling, the glimpse afforded by this photograph is simply too fleeting, and so it shall not be a finalist.

Another situation I encountered often while "curating" this contest was the cockpit that was compelling yet was not "zany" in the overall context of the bicycle. For example, on any other bicycle these bars, coupled with the old-timey bulb horn, would be zany, but on a Pedersen they're actually rather conservative:

The same thing goes for this bamboo cockpit:

Which is pretty much what you'd expect Gilligan to be "rocking:"

Also, "fixies" tend to feature such ridiculous handlebar setups that the curve on which a fixed-gear cockpit must be graded is so steep as to take them out of consideration altogether:


This is also true of Serottas (and Rivendells, obviously) and really high quill stems:

As well as of mobile "epic" burrito prep areas, or taxidermy studios, or tattoo parlors, or whatever this four-person configuration is:

Then there was this sublime cockpit from Houston--which, after much soul-searching, I decided to disqualify due to the fact that the bicycle has an engine:

Frankly, I prefer my "cockies" to be human-powered.

Also, while some cockpits had a single element that lent them shock value, overall they weren't sufficiently inventive. Consider this person, who apparently rides with a handlebar-mounted--and quite real--gun:

On a freewheel bicycle, you should always "palp" both a front and a rear brake in case one of them fails. Similarly, when "portaging" a gun, you should also carry a knife just in case of jamming or misfire--so I was pleased to see that this rider has a blade at the ready.

But perhaps the most difficult submissions to eliminate were the ones that were excellent, but that also came from more than one person who happened to have spotted the same bike. At first, I considered giving consideration to the entrant who had taken the better photo, but then I realized that, as a horrible photographer myself, it would be extremely unfair of me to "curate" a contest that ultimately came down to camera skills. So, in the name of fairness, I ultimately disqualified redundant submissions--even when they were incredible, like this one:

That's a lot of hand positions:


In fact, by my count, there are at least nine legitimate hand positions on offer:

Interestingly, this bicycle was spotted and photographed by two separate people in Juneau, Alaska, both of whom collectively must represent the city's entire "bike culture."

This brilliant contrivance, complete with vibration-absorbing bar extensions, was also spotted and submitted by more than one person:

As was James's retina-searing cockpit in Baltimore:


And this double-decker in Tucson:

Like kidney stones, it was extremely difficult and painful to eliminate these, but I did so nevertheless.

In any case, so much for the losers--now on to the finalists. What I've done is broken them down into six (6) separate categories. In each category, vote for your favorite cockpit. Then, at a later date, I will take the winner from each category and from these determine who shall be first, second and third overall.

I: Best Antler or Animal By-Product

(Antlers On The Stand)

(CSC TT Antlers)

(Antlers Sur L'Herbe)

(Hillbilly "Stemie")

Which Is Your Favorite Dead Animal Bike?

Antlers On The Stand

CSC TT Antlers

Antlers Sur L'Herbe

Hillbilly "Stemie"

or View Results

Create your own poll at Flisti.com

II: Best Aero

(Road Only)

(All-Terrain)

Which Is Your Favorite Time Trial Bike?

Road Only

All-Terrain

or View Results

Create your own poll at Flisti.com

III: Best Multi-Level

(The Sheldon Brown Memorial Biplanar Cockpit Award)

(Jacob's Ladder)

(Reflections in a Pond)

Which Is Your Favorite Multi-Level Cockpit?

Jacob's Ladder

Reflections in a Pond

or View Results

Create your own poll at Flisti.com

IV: Best STI

(Upright)

("Aggro")

Which Is Your Favorite STI Lever-Equipped Cockpit?

Upright

"Aggro"

or View Results

Create your own poll at Flisti.com

V: Best Owner "Curated" and Piloted

(Steering Wheel Guy)

This one is very zany because it features a quick release stem bolt that allows me to change the bar position from "normal" mode to full cruiser mode for that upright position to take advantage of the abundant tailwinds Kansas has to offer.

-- Rick
Scabadeba.com

(The Kansas Sail)

Which Is Your Favorite Owner-Operated Cockpit?

Steering Wheel Guy

The Kansas Sail

or View Results

Create your own poll at Flisti.com

VI: "Freestyle"

(Anything Goes!)

(The Schematic)

(???)

(!!!)

Which Is Your Favorite "Freestyle" Cockpit?

The Schematic

???

!!!

or View Results

Create your own poll at Flisti.com

So there it is. I reserve the right to add or withdraw finalists at any time, completely ignore polling results, or simply sob into my own woefully unfettered cockpit. I also hereby indemnify myself against hanging chads, itchy "pants yabbies," or any other form of ballot ambiguity. Vote early, vote often, vote angry--and, most importantly, vote drunk.

--BSNYC/RTMS