Bolts and Nuts: The Making of a Classic

This past weekend saw the [insert number here]th edition of the Ghent-Wevelgem professional bicycling race, which is a bicycling race in which professional bicyclists bicycle their bicycles from Gent (or "Ghent," or at least the vicinity of Ghent) to Wevelgem. Ghent, as you probably know, is in Belgium, and Wevelgem is a mythical land of faeries and imps and an autonomous city-state kind of like the Vatican or Williamsburg, Brooklyn. The race took place on Sunday, and the winner, Bernhard Eisel, had this to say:

The George he is referring to is of course George Hincapie, who came in fourth and who was himself a winner of Gent-Wevelgem back in 2001. One can only imagine how harrowing it must be to look between one's thighs and see George Hincapie coming; in fact, the last person to look between her thighs and see George Hincapie coming was former podium girl Melanie Simonneau, who subsequently married him and bore him a child. I'm sure there was a moment of horror in those final kilometers during which Eisel imagined the same fate for himself. Here he is moments before looking between his thighs:

And here's what he probably saw when he did:

In the end, this image probably gave him the final kick he needed in order to win. As for Hincapie himself, nobody knows for sure what he saw between his own thighs, but if I had to guess I'd say it was probably that oil painting of his own disembodied head watching him win a Tour de France stage atop the forbidding Pla d'Adet:

Subsequently, he got caught in the seemingly endless feedback loop of Hincapie watching Hincapie watching Hincapie (watching Hincapie, assuming you can see the Pla d'Adet-winning Hincapie reflected in the Oakleys of the disembodied head-Hincapie), and this eternal cycle of narcissism could very well have cost him his second Gent-Wevelgem win.

In any case, with Gent-Wevelgem down and the Tour of Flanders (also known as the "Round Van Floundering") coming up this weekend the "Classics" season is well under way. Of course, the Classics are classic in the classic sense of the word, meaning "recognized or established," or "memorable," or "a very good example of its kind." However, it's also worth noting that the word "classic" has evolved over the years, and now it's also synonymous with "funny," as in, "Did you see that guy in the chicken suit get kicked in the nuts by that other guy in the clown wig? That was classic!" (This despite the fact that no classical painter ever rendered such an image--at least to the best of my knowledge.) In this newer sense of the word, the Classics aren't classic, but they do have some classic moments, like in 2006 when The Great Trek Bicycle Making Company played a practical joke on Hincapie by outfitting his bicycle with a set of detachable novelty handlebars:

One Trek engineer to the other: "Did you see George's handlebars come off during a critical moment in one of the most important races of his career? That was classic!" Hopefully, we won't see too many classic moments befall our favorite Classics riders this year (at least not ones that result in serious injury), and they will all remain intact until the start of "Epic" season, which is when all the big stage races start.

Speaking of classical things, there's probably nothing less classical than a Walmart fixed-gear bicycle (or, more accurately, "fixed-speed," which I assume is their way of saying it's a singlespeed that looks like a fixed-gear), though reading the indignant comments of some of the "Fixerati" on various forums and blogs has been totally classic:

Personally, I could not be more pleased. As was the case with the Republic/Urban Outfitters bike, this is yet another blow to the carefully-constructed identities of the people who discovered track bikes in 2005 and are now trying to "save" them. Even better, unlike the overpriced Republic (not to mention the fact that that Specialized now charges over $700 for the privilege of experiencing the "purity" of a Langster), at $150 the Walmart bike actually looks like it might be a reasonable deal. Really, much of the "bike culture" seems to be about displaying your rarefied tastes and retail savvy ("savvy" in terms of finding the cool things to buy, not saving money), so anything that wrests fixed-gears or track bikes or singlespeeds or "fixed-speeds" or whatever you want to call them from the "bike culture's" smug grasp and thoroughly "uncoolifies" them is all right by me. Plus, best of all, you can customize the Cachet with stuff you find in the other departments:

That shower curtain rod will make a tight set of risers for fixed-gear freestylin'.

Anyway, any "Save the Track Bike" types who consider the Walmart bike an affront to their "lifestyle" should consider the fact that the fixed-gear bicycle has already long been cemented in the popular consciousness as a symbol of "hipster" excess, and they have only themselves to blame. Consider the book "Look At This F*cking Hipster," which is derived from the blog of the same name:

(Hint: replace the "*" with a "u" for the actual title. I know, crazy, right?)

The book officially "descends" tomorrow ("descends" is pretentious for "drops") but I recently obtained a copy thanks to my status as a member of the "doucherati" and I noticed it has a whole section on fixed-gear bicycles:

Granted, it's a short section (like three pages) but it's also a short book. Ultimately, I think all of this is an indication that the "hipsters" and the "People of Walmart" are increasingly one and the same (Isn't a "hipster" really just a "Person of Walmart" who moved to Brooklyn last month?), and this is a good thing since it helps reaffirm the fact that "coolness" is an illusion. I will admit, though, that while I'm happy about the Walmart "fixed-speed" I'm disgusted by Walmart's line of prefab sheds:

See, "back in the day," if you wanted a shed you had to build it by yourself. Plus, it took time to learn about the scene and to become down with "shed culture." Now, though, all you have to do is go to Walmart--who has totally ruined the shed scene just like Target ruined "gazebo culture." So to Walmart I say:

All You Haters Store My Lawn Care Equipment.

Still, I don't mean to say that if you want a bicycle you should buy it at Walmart. In fact, as we all know, $150 can easily become $300 or more if the bicycle or its assembly is of poor quality. Plus, if you're the type of person who feels compelled to make your bike "legit" through customization with vintage parts, it's going to take something really, really vintage to legitimize this baby. Not just any Brooks will do; you need the world's crappiest Brooks, which was forwarded to me by a reader:

Here's the compelling description:

This thing's so old it doesn't just have "street cred;" it's got "dirt road cred:"

Eric "The Chamferer" Murray was probably still playing with his chamfering knife in his bassinet when this thing was chamfered.

However, if you really want to feel special on your bike, even a lugged steel NAHBS special is insufficient. No, the truly sophisticated cyclist rides an art bike made of wood, like this one which was forwarded to me by another reader:

"Did you see that doofus totally nail himself in the nuts trying to get on his wooden bike? That was classic!"