Friday, March 26, 2010

BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz!

Crossing the Manhattan Bridge and heading into the city yesterday, I was passed by a rider on a brakeless Pista. As the rider began his descent, I noticed he had stopped pedaling, which seemed strange as he had clearly been riding a fixed-gear. He then placed the thin sole of his diminutive canvas boating shoe on the tire of his rear wheel, at which point I realized he had dropped his chain and was now trying to slow his speeding bicycle. Apparently, though, the "footjam" was not as effective as he had hoped, so he then started dragging both feet on the pavement Fred Flinstone-style. Here he is, clearly mashing his "pants yabbies" on his top tube in the process:

Eventually, he managed to finally get off the thing, and as I passed him I simply pointed to my own bicycle and said, "Brakes."

Ah, yes, brakes--those marvels of engineering which manage to function independently of the bicycle's drivetrain. Of course, they do tend to spoil the "clean lines" of your bicycle, and they can also make you look like a "woosie." I'll admit that the rider above looked really cool and elegant as he desperately struggled to save himself by dragging his feet and squashing his genitals --the whole thing was totally "zen." I wonder why he didn't simply use his gigantic empty messenger bag to stop, since it seems to me it would have functioned rather well as a parachute.

Also, it's one thing to lose your chain when you have like 100 yards of car-free pavement to figure out what to do; it's quite another when it happens on the city streets, where you're liable to get clobbered by a "Mitzvah Tank." This is the time of year when the Hasidim take to the streets in their Winnebagos, and found myself behind this one shortly after I witnessed the chain-dropping:

Notice that the driver is regarding me in a chillingly nonplussed fashion:

I was quivering with fear like a glob of gefilte fish gelatin on the gas tank of a v-twin motorcycle.

Speaking of religion, a little while later I encountered Jesus Christ, who was blocking my access to the Great Hipster Silk Route:

Apparently Jesus, who has taken the form of a truck on the occasion of the Second Coming, was having difficulty completing a right hand turn. Notice too that the local Jews are rather nonplussed:

In fact, it would not surprise me in the least to learn that the maroon Toyota Camry station wagon belongs to them, and that they are obstinately refusing to move it lest the would-be savior of humanity complete his journey to the modern-day Jerusalem that is Williamsburg, transform like Optimus Prime, and start gathering a flock of "hipster" disciples.

Anyway, like many "devout" Christians, I finally just decided to go around Jesus, after which I soon encountered another obstruction in the form of a film production:

I don't know what they were shooting, but I do know from the nearby canvas chairs that it featured Martin Short:

As a longtime Martin Short fan, it pained me deeply to learn that he had a hand in this obstruction. Falling to my knees, I prayed for the Lord Optimus Christ to lay waste to the production's fleet of rental trucks, but sadly my prayers went unanswered.

So now, I will pass the misery on to you in the form of a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll gain favor in the eyes of the Lord Optimus Christ, and if you're wrong you'll see the lamentations of the damned.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and beware of Mitzvah Tanks and Transformer Messiahs.

--BSNYC/RTMS






1) My ironic intern, Spencer Madsen, actually exists.

--True
--False




2) "Apocalypse Yesterday." The $150 Mongoose Cachet "fixed-speed" bicycle is now available at:

--Walmart



3) Why should you never hire a "hipster?"





4) Which of the following is not available from the new bicycle vending machine in Williamsburg, Brooklyn?

--Lights
--Locks
--Brake Pads
--Yarmulkes







6) Former USPRO Champion Chann McRae has taken up:
(Individual pursuit world champion Taylor Phinney may need to scale it down--literally.)

Miniature velodromes may be the future of track cycling.



179 comments:

wishiwasmerckx said...

Winner?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Second?

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Sweep?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Hail Caesar for the show.

shoegazer said...

half life, remembered

Nogocyclist said...

I am not participating in the podium race today. I came here wanting my daily installment of Bike Snob NYC/ Boss Llama/ Who the heck is Spencer Madsen?

rezado said...

hi-rez

dignan said...

so close. need more goo packets to speed up my commute from el bano to el computador.

Pee Wee said...

Still too many wrong!

luciferyellow said...

I had my intern hit F5 all morning long to ensure a high finish, but alas I think he was slacking off (foffing off in his $200 slacks?).

hillbilly said...

wiwwiwm

ringcycles said...

Sneaky Romans!

Anonymous said...

Note: The Mongoose Walmart bike features
"calipur brakes".

Anonymous said...

top, top twenty. oooh (undertones)

Let Op! said...

Spring is finally here!

HARL BEKE

GENT WVGM

frilly said...

Quadruple kisses for wiwm!

frilly said...

Oh, and I almost forgot--

VENGA ALBERTO!!!

streepo said...

Top 20.

marshmallow said...

got em all right for the first time in a while

Anonymous said...

top twenty

mike poole said...

"Brakes". Classic. Top20?

wishiwasmerckx said...

As I went back and read the post, I was struck by how much the nonplussed driver of the Mitzvah Tank looked like every depiction of Jesus Christ I have ever seen in Western art and literature. Then I continue reading and see that the Jesusmobile was in such close proximity.

I'm not sure what was going on in Brooklyn this morning, but apparently it was of Cosmic significance, with BikeSnobNYC as our guide, notwithstanding his distain for organized religion.

Snob, if I was you, I would cancel my travel plans for Tarshish, and rebook my flight to Ninevah.

Anonymous said...

i seriously don't get why anyone would ride in an urban environment without brakes who doesn't have +3 years of messengering or racing under their belt. that is some selfish shit.

BISOUBISOU said...

minor prophet!

ant1 said...

ant1st!

IBS said...

Roll out!

Todd said...

So you saw them filming "Damages" - a great show on FX about crazed lawyers in New York. Martin Short portrays Leonard Winstone, the lawyer for the Madoff-esque family in this season.

I don't have any affiliation with the show other than that I watch and enjoy it. Kind of like how I read and enjoy this blog. Maybe I will have other some kind of affiliation with this blog someday.

dignan said...

My cat has calipurr brakes. And the only fixed-speed device I own is a blender that is missing all but one botton.
I think fixed/ss bikes in walmart is a actually good. If you're selling a bike for $150, it would probably be a good thing not to have to spec it out with suspension, deraillers, bar-ends, etc. It almost makes more sense that a dept store bike be the simplest thing possible.

Plus it's one giant step closer to the end times, which makes me happy.

Anonymous said...

Snob,

Have you foresaken the Lobster God for this Christ character?

ant1 said...

perfect score!

ringcycles said...

I imagine that Robbie McEwen or Bernard Hinault could suceed in UFC, but Chan McCrae? I'd have to see it to believe it.

Nogocyclist said...

When taking photographs it is common to get a photo that looks great. In focus, perfect colors, beautiful composition, etc....

But the dog you were photographing turned around right as you shot and it is a photo of a dog's rear. Or the kid opens his mouth and there is something totally unappetising is in it.

With these photographs they are too perfect to just delete, but you sure are not going to use them. The "wrong answer" video of Kenny Kumar is the video version of this. Everything is great about the video. Great lighting, appropriate music for the mood, well articulated, just looks professional. Only problem, who really cares about the subject matter? It's a keeper, but one of those you just would not know what to do with it.

ant1 said...

snobby - will spencer be grading the quizzes from now on?

boys on the hoods said...

hoodwinked

g said...

I am amazed you didn't see a seafood truck on the way in as well. The holy trinity of motor vehicles will have to be your new fixed gear pie-plate. Everyone needs a goal in life...

Nogocyclist said...

Just a thought: It would not be that difficult to create a totally concealable braking system. Put some kind of braking devise in one of the hubs and activate it electronically.

If someone designs and markets this to the hipster market, they could probably make a living. Or better yet, they could market them to the hipster's mom or dad. We know they say "Punk, get some brakes on that contraption." I bet they would pay for the chance to potentially save their kid's life.

IBS said...

My whip is as light as the subject of religion.

rezado said...

cstr brak

SD friend said...

A popular online dictionary defines a brake as "a device which stops motion of a vehicle"

By this definition doesnt that mean fixed gear bicycles have a brake in their chain? Since the chain can be used to stop the motion of a fixed gear.
Not saying it is a Good brake, and a dropped chain is definitely not a brake, but working fixed gears do have brakes, right?
I feel like this is as meaningless as distinguishing between a manual from a wheelie

Anonymous said...

Kenny Kumar: I'm going to the Tour de France this summer... I'm going to compete, try to win something, try to do something in my life.

Man, I think I missed the TdF registration window.

IBS said...

My whip is as light as an empty messenger bag

ant1 said...

SD Friend - that's been argued a bunch. the definition you cite, while i have no problem with it, is not the only definition of a brake out there, or the most accurate. is a wall a brake? cause that shit will stop you cold. a car engine (mated to a manual transmission)?

Jefe said...

I got them all except for the cyclist turned mixed martial artist. Seemed farfetched, but when I saw he got KOed in his only bout it made sense. Even then I did not get to see video. My explorer software seems not too have kept up with You-Tube technology.

When it's over it's over, drink up. said...

Jesus Christ with a Fuck in the middle is an all time favorite AND as to question #5) the front brake leaver should be mounted on the left.

BikeSnobNYC said...

SD friend,

I am using the colloquial definition of "brake." According to the dictionary, the guy's sneakers are brakes too, but obviously that didn't work out too well for him.

--RTMS

SD friend said...

Ant1-
I guess a wall is a brake then, but not one that is attached to and part of the bicycle. I mean when you consider the bike by itself, not even with a rider(since a rider can even be defined as a "brake"), doesnt a fixed gear still have a brake?

Anonymous said...

SD Friend that's a bunch of semantic horseshit. How about a brake that is independent of the chain system that doesn't cause you to fuck your knees up while sidewindering all over a narrow bridge bike path like a goddamn garter snaker in heat headed for a puddle.

Here's funniest thing about Walmart bike: when I was a kid, my family was fucking poor. I had a shitty Kmart bmx bike and a Nash skateboard. The richer kids in my neighborhood made fun of it compared to their rad BMX bikes and Christian Hosoi decks. I rode my bike more, fell in love with bicycles, ride bicycles in the city while those kids probably now drive pickup trucks and hummers in the suburbs. Life goes on. The fact that people feel threatened by a fixed gear being sold at Walmart has more to do with insipid cultural postures than any practical reason for using a simple, easy to maintain bike that's not overloaded with cheap awful components.

That's what people are getting freaked out by. If i was a brokeass kid with a broke family who didn't know better how to source a good used bike and i got that for Xmas I would be happy.

Isn't a non track bike fixed gear essentially a cruiser, what people were riding at the turn of the century in greater numbers than cars?

There's a big distinction there - the rich kids who spent thousands on their color coordinated rims and top tube pads should feel threatened. They tried to buy their way to cool instead of just enjoying bicycling.

IBS said...

Shit! I cant stop!!

RB1 said...

'A popular online dictionary defines a brake as "a device which stops motion of a vehicle" '

that may be , but a shoe is not a device . neither is a wall .

ant1 said...

it's arguable. the drive train has for its main purpose to drive the bike. it is not designed as a brake, although it can be used as such. i think you would agree that if one were to be tasked with designing a bicycle brake from scratch, a device requiring a good amount of leg strength to reduce the angular velocity of the rear wheel that has the ability to throw one of the bike would probably not be the optimal system.

it's mostly a matter of semantics (and you can't spell semantics without ant, so i must know what i'm talking about;) but maybe defining it as a device whose main purpose is to stop the motion of a vehicle would be more appropriate.

ant1 said...

RB1 - i guess that depends on the definition of device (more semantics).

what about if i built a little device that attached to my handlebars with a button i could press when i wanted to slow down that deployed a little piece of cloth that acted as a mini-sail? would that be considered a devices that slows down the vehicle?

maybe what that definition needs is something like effectively or reliably.

ant1 said...

RB1 - and i think the engine in my earlier comment qualifies as a device.

Anonymous said...

man the Walmart bike is win / win. we'll finally get all those clueless riders off of their fixies angered that it's no longer fashionable - they'll probably turn to cycle dandyism or repurposing mobility scooters for senior citizens in an ironic fashion or maybe even big wheels or, hell, join the cycle chic movement and smash people's windows and send them to camps if they wear spandex padded shorts.

meanwhile the few experienced people who do know how to ride a track bike will continue to do so in a smart, capable fashion.

BikeSnobNYC said...

RB1,

A shoe is more a device than a drivetrain is a brake. (Just look at a pro cyclist or the band Kiss--their footwear is pretty complicated.) Anyway, maybe next time the guy on the bridge drops his chain he can use a dictionary to stop his bike.

--RTMS

RB1 said...

sure , purpose (or intent) is what makes the difference . after all a broken brake is still a brake . and since its friday and i am feeling magnanimous, and i have to get to the pub, i will grant you that an engine is a device.

3G said...

SKID MARK

'nuff said

Anonymous said...

I would have loved to have seen the dropped chain spaz out first hand. The "brakes" comment was perfect, I'm surprised you didn't get a quietly wispered "fuck you man"

mikeweb said...

The quiz left me chillingly non-plussed.

ant1 said...

RB1 - enjoy the pub.

g said...

Would, in light of the new (and infinitely more complicated) definition of the term brake, the NOBR AKES knuckle tat be even more ironic?

wishiwasmerckx said...

I have ridden seriously since 1983, and have NEVER broken a chain. I don't even understand how that happens. Improper chainline on your conversion? Continuing to use your equipment long past its replacement date? Incorrectly inserting the pin in the link when installing? Never inspecting, adjusting or lubricating your drivetrain?

Forewarned is forearmed. Taking a cue from today's comments, I am going to start carrying a small wall in my oversized Chrome messenger bag in case my chain breaks. Then I can merely throw the wall up ahead of me and crash into it in order to stop.

RB1 said...

ant1 - thank you ! that's the kindest thing anyone has said to me all day ...

hillbilly said...

Didn't we used to have this argument back in the day?

ervgopwr said...

Good Friday everyone, now will someone with photoshop+skills etc, make an awesome Lord Optimus Christ.
Eric K, you out there?

Those trucks are everywhere here. I am nonplussed about their fucking presence.

on a lighter note; I can't see the mini-velodrome in NZ we blew up their band with.

Peace out autobots.

mikeweb said...

Nice finish wiwm & P.P.

Perfect score on the quiz - still chillingly nonplussed.

I bet the great Lobster God Optimus Prime semi truck could've easily made that corner.

Paul Bowen said...

Snobbers: classic post, been a great week, thanks.

Anon@2.16: a wonderfully wise contribution.

OK the World Track Champs are just starting on BBC2 - my weekend starts here, hope you all have great one.

RAIN BOWX

ryan said...

dang only one wrong

IBS said...

I'll open up a can of shit storm on your ass!

Mo's Bike Shop said...

HTF does a single speed come out weighing 40 lbs?

Are the tubes filled with gypsum?

Anonymous said...

Optimus Prime is Jewish. Proof.

http://bit.ly/bbQuv7

hillbilly said...

Good idea WIWM, I just look around for an Italian to stick a pump in my spokes.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 3:13pm,

So is Jesus!

--RTMS

Fred Fintstone said...

Yabba Dabba Doo!!!

Disgruntl Ed. said...

Top 80!

Fixed speed is semantically effective as a brake, if not as a drive technology. Hence my position.

Disgruntl Ed. said...

Top 80!

Fixed speed is semantically effective as a brake, if not as a drive technology. Hence my position.

Test Tickle said...

i think the dude, or dudette, with the pipe bars may be a terrorist. Someone call the FBI, please.

PIPE BOMB

balls.

rezado said...

not sure about optimus being jewish but i know that the decepticons have beeen taking it to the
streets
since back in the day.

Disgruntl Ed. said...

My fixed speed bike is semantically a brake. Hence my position.

rezado said...

uhhh, wrong.
this
is the right link.

ant1 said...

is the lobster god jewish too?

yogisurf said...

Nothin' like a truck load of the Good Lord. Must be a Kingdom-wide company. Here's more of their trucks surrounded by palm trees:
3650 hancock st san diego (Use a popular seach engine's map and street view feature).

Anonymous Coward said...

"like many 'devout' Christians, I finally just decided to go around Jesus,"
Brilliant Snob, just brilliant.

Apparently Mr. Short had an accident recently as there was a chair for his cast as well.

Anonymous said...

That vending machine is a great idea for all the local riders who go out without a spare tube or a patch kit. Get a flat on the bridge, just walk it on over to the vending machine. Oh, they also don't carry any tools or a pump? Well then walk it on home to finish the repair.

Anonymous said...

So does having an ironic intern now make you a "hipster doofus"?

Nogocyclist said...

OK, now I am convinced. Spenser Madsen is who Snob says he is. I looked at the photo posted Thursday by A True Believer @6:03 and the Photo of the intern in today's quiz.

To my untrained eye, that is the same kid. I would pick him out of a photo lineup if need arose. The commentator's photo of him is just from back in his the day.

honkybucket said...

wiwm,

I think (but am too lazy to go back & check to make sur) he said the fixed gear rider on the bridge, "dropped" rather than broke, his chain. Implying (I believe, though I'm too lazy to check this also) that the chain simply dropped off the cog/ring, which I'm ashamed to admit I've done a couple times -- due to less than perfect tension (I'm sometimes too lazy to be bothered to tighten it up just properly. Go figure.)

Nogocyclist said...

Is Spencer waving his finger in our faces for making fun of his spelling and existence in his updated facebook photo?

Anonymous said...

wiwm,

It happens:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=504U_9yHYE8

Keith said...

You say "nonplussed" too much. Please refrain for one week.

Grace Period said...

I was reading that Barry Manilow, the antithesis of all things hipster, was born and raised in Williamsburg. That information left me dazed and confused.

Anonymous said...

Snob, was Jesus a money-grubbing, big-nosed, Cadillac-driving Noo Yawk Jew?

Wad said...

The mini velodrome is down, bandwidth exceeded. Behold the awesome power of the BSNYCFFQ!

Anonymous said...

If snob was married with a kid, his tone would be that of a broken man,rather than an embittered man.

Dr. Makim ben'Dover said...

I read all this nonplussed brake semantic shit and wonder why I got called out for making a few duck jokes. I mean really.

sufferist said...

Vengo Frilly (either on your own or with assistance)

ant1 said...

i liked the duck jokes.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Honkybucket, dropped chain or broken chain, still won't likely happen with even the minimum amount of bike maintenance. Even with the wall in my Chrome messenger bag, there is still room for a 15mm spanner.

Anonymous said...

Anon 2:16

Well said. I've always maintained that a decent fixie is nowhere near as stupid as an 11-speed triple carbon bike with electronic shifting, or whatever trendy gimmick the industry decides to push.

Especially if finances enter into the equation.

ant1 said...

not as good as dick jokes though

Ricardo said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCEQxOCFHJw

System Administrator said...

Duck jokes will no longer be tolerated on this forum. Your IP addresses are being carefully monitored, and if anyone says anymore duck jokes, they will be punched in the stomach.

Fred said...

That last post quacked me up.

Nogocyclist said...

Anonymous @4:48 the reason for Bike Snobs attitude has nothing directly to do with his being married or not.

I have finally got it figured out. Even though Spencer is not related to Snob, he is a significant person in his life. The most likely tie Snob has with Spencer would be that Spencer is the son of one of the significant people in Snob's life. Not directly a son or a friend. He could be a son of a friend or even the son of a girlfriend (but not a son of his wife's, that would make him Snob's stepson, and thus a relative.)

Now that it is revealed that this kid is part of Snob's life, the true reason for the existence of this blog is now evident. All these years we have been enjoying Snob's rants and raves and all felt he was cool, he has had an ulterior motive. He is just an old man trying to keep a whipper snapper from being a part of the latest scene young kids get into.

In the 50's they fought against that Rock and Roll noise. In the 60's they added long haired hippies, in the 70's, 80's, 90's there were things to keep kids out of. Now that it is the 2000's the old foggies (including me) are ranting about hipsters, fixed gear riders, and girls who want to date vampires (no mention of this in this blog, there must not be a teenage girl in Snob's life.)

His rantings and ravings all these years are just Snob being an old foggie trying to keep that young man away from all that youthful foolishness.

In short, I hate to say it, but he has become his dad.

leroy said...

Well now this is odd.

I thought employers were replacing their interns with monkeys. Not the other way around.

This cycling blog thingie may be more lucrative than any of us imagined.

Ride safe all.

And if you see the Jesus semi and the Mitzvah Tank battling over a parking space, get some video to post.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Nogocyclist,

Just to clarify, the first I ever heard of Spencer the Ironic Intern was when he sent me an unsolicited email asking in a very ironic tone if he could be my intern. We had no connection beyond that. So, as I said in the post, I interviewed him and then decided to have him try out some pants. I also plan to send him on more meaningless errands in the future.

--BSNYC

Nogocyclist said...

I was impressed with Scraper Bikes in the link provided by Ricardo. Here are young kids being different as kids will be, but doing it responsibly.

These bikes look basically safe. They obviously are not spending a month's wages on them, and apparently it is not an excuse to get drunk.

Scraper Bikes get a thumb up from this old Foggie. Don't ever expect to see me riding one though.

Jen said...

Oh, Snobby, your rotating ads are far more stimulating than any round of Chatroulette. On the menu today:

"Jan just launched her florist site online...but nobody came."

[then a bunch of roses slowly rise up on the screen in front of a smiling brunette, presumably blooming from her flowerbox]

Niiiiice job, PR Web. You deserve a hand.

Nogocyclist said...

OK Snob.

I will accept that.

If that is true, I needlessly called you an old foggie.

Do you want me to remove the comment where I said you have become your dad? That is a low blow if my assumptions are wrong. I will delete my comment if you wish.

frilly said...

Snob, does this mean the IOJC will be repurposed?

Anonymous said...

Intern? I ain't buying it. I heard Snob likes to Jacuzzi with 17 y.o. boys, as long as their waist size is 27"; no more than 28".

xyxax said...

third 50.
Was at the permit office.

ant1 said...

anon 6:02 - who doesn't?

English Professor said...

Snob is anti-semantic!

Fred said...

Aren't the various sub-species of Freds basically the interns of cycling cultures?

I've never been paid for cycling, though I do often ride in a besmirched dark-blue frock.

Swashbuckling Dandy said...

Semantic games make won't stop your bike any better than a fixed sprocket when the chain gets thrown.

eeeeeeeeee said...

Whoops, I meant awesome post for today's, not yesterday's, but that was good too.

Anonymous said...

Dear Nogocyclist -
If you knew Spencer like I knew Spencer! Who is Spencer Madsen? Apparently a very smart, and ambitious kid with too much time on his hands! But the "intern" pictured in the photo in the quiz. Sorry. Spencer is much cuter. So don't try to pick him out in the line up - the face book hit was smarter who ever did that one - I think calling Spence Lil Snob fits just fine - especially if you ever met him in person. Wonder what he will get to review next? And will Bike Snob make him wear it to school for group humiliation? Now that could be fun and wouldn't you want pictures?

Anonymous said...

As Snob's observation proves, you CAN coast on a fixed gear.

Take that all you playa haters. Suck ma ballz suck ma ballz suck ma ballzballzballz

Jack Kerouac's sneakers said...

Lobster Lord! Like, I'm questioning the totality of the zenableness that you ascribe to that twat in the 'Twat On The Bridge Situation.' However your 'comments' interjection, circa 17.36, is Zen of the most chilling nonplussitudity. Some may say you're a cruel taskmaster, but as all comparsions are apparently odious I'll give you a break - just for today mind...

Anonymous said...

Who can ever forget the awkward, Japan only exclusive pedophile Optimus Prime toy?

http://www.hlj.com/product/TKT66908

extreem nonplussitude said...

...the last shall be first and the first shall be last... surely?

StillNotWorking said...

Walmart bike with 48-spoke wheels - WTF?

Re Anon 7:43, I am a bit creeped out by the "Convoy x Melissa" pedophile Transformers toy, but really creeped out by:
http://www.hlj.com/product/TKT72024
which appears to be the bukkake (c.f. BSNYC March 10, 2010) pedophile toy. WT fuckin' F ?

Anonymous said...

Optimus sold out. He did a collabo with Nike. http://transformers.wikia.com/wiki/File:NikemusPrime.jpg

Net said...

The units are clean and spacious and are generally all the modern amenities such as a CD player included, one or more television sets, DVD and VHS. ? Do with a fully functional kitchen which is complete with all necessary equipment, you do not have the additional cost of a dinner.





nyc short term rentals

I"d rather brake than be fixed said...

Dignan makes a great point. Department stores aren't doing anybody a service by selling them bicycles that were never designed to work. It's a crime that the largest retailer of bikes in the country - Wal Mart- preys on ignorant people by selling them bicycles that (I'm quoting sorry customers here) "look like great bikes", but are actually incredibly impractical and unsafe machines. The people who are hired to assemble them have no training and have never seen a cone wrench. The shifters are a nightmare when paired with the stamped pot-metal derailleurs , (limit screws? huh?) and what's the thinking behind disc brakes in front and v-brakes in back? Someone must think it looks cool. And the rear suspension...I'm not even going to go into that.
It almost breaks my heart to see some poor sap inching his way towards work on a way too small full suspension bike that's stuck in "big-big" because the shifters never worked or the owner simply cannot figure out how to try to use them. He would have been better off on something a little simpler. Like a single speed. Or even a fixie if that's how this is going to play out. (Most of us started out on a fixed gear if you think about it. Tricycles and Big Wheels are fixed-gear machines.) Just cover a singlespeed with holographic decals that say nonsensical things like "Function Specific Design" or ones that point out obvious features like "Shimano Chain-Drive Technology" and watch the streets fill with satisfied customers on practical, working bicycles.
Salmoning on a main artery.
At dusk.
With no lights.

No Elizabethan Collar Ever said...

I don't want to be fixed either!
That's worth repeating.
I don't want to be fixed either!
That's worth repeating.
I don't want to be fixed either!
That's worth repeating.
I don't want to be fixed either!
That's worth repeating.
I don't want to be fixed either!
That's worth repeating.
I don't want to be fixed either!
That's worth repeating.

I hope you get my point, I could do that all night.

I don't want to be fixed either!

little timmy's lungs said...

as a poor boy as a kid many years ago, i am secretly rooting for that single speed Mongoose. i mean, doesnt it fucking Slay Chari and Co in some kinda ironic way?

Anonymous said...

@ I"d rather brake than be fixed said...

Mongoose bike says you must assemble it. also it is a single speed, ie a freewheel.

Ye Ol' Fart said...

I thought a Mongoose was a four wheeler looking thing in Halo 3, or whatever game those young whipper snappers play now days.

Nogocyclist said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nogocyclist said...

Ant1 I love duck jokes too.
Here is the joke they make every time they have a party.

I am the engine said...

I hate to see it, but again wall- mart comes in to fill the need.

Fixed gear culture is not dead, it has been co-opted by the suburban masses.

Notice that they can not say where it is manufactured. (China)

So the hipsters in b-lyn are not cool any more (not that they ever where).

No shut up and eat your hot pockets.

Anonymous said...

"Jesus Christ! Is Lord not a swear word?" or "Jesus Christ is Lord, not a swear word." If only they'd used punctuation I would know what they'd meant...

Anonymous said...

Bikesnob, you're a genius. But look up the meaning of the word "nonplussed." I doesn't mean "without emotion" or "not caring." It means "speechless, struck dumb." Quite the opposite of the way you are using it.
Respectfully,
Dr. Dave
The bike-riding English Prof.

Ryan Rapolsive said...

$150 for a Mongoose Singlespeed, that's cheap enough in the bike world to be disposable after one use. It would be cheaper than checking your bike in at the airport. Now you can just show up anywhere and go down to the local Walmart and create a scene. It should come with a cheap digital disposable camera that instantaneously uploads images/movies to youtube/flickr.

Matt said...

I adore that Kenny video. It's the sort of thing that will be pulled out by his bemused children when he's 50 like my high school senior photo with the big hair.

In the meantime, I've removed the brakes from my pickup truck. Man, it's like Zen driving now, slowing down only with my stick shift. Fucking pedestrians and other traffic just don't get how cool it is, how I'm at one with the machine, a freedom those poor saps just can't imagine. Plus, I have learned this really cool trick called the Robin.

Stupid Name said...

Testicular damage on a bicycle, always funny. Careening out of control, dragging you chain, with no way to stop, again always funny.

One of the few times I wish I was in new yakk, laughing at the pretentious, and driving across dangerous bridges.

The best you could say was "Brakes"
I was hoping for so much more. Embellish the story next time.

More ducks, I need more ducks.

Archangel Bumblebee said...

If Optimus is Christ, is Shia Lebeof the NeoPope?

Eric said...

a cyclist getting caught doing something stupid on the bike by bikesnob is hereby called "getting snobbed"

Nogocyclist said...

Stupid name,

I am going to leave it up to you to come up with the punch line, but here are the ducks you asked for.

Nogocyclist said...

Its a sprint for the finish, but it looks like all three spots on the podium belong to Team Hooded Merganser

Flailing Hipster said...

Man, my nuts hurt. Feet don't feel too good neither. I must be riding too big a frame.

Stupid Name said...

Ducks just make me laugh.

Nogocyclist said...

Stupid name.
Did you know your last comment was a gross comment.
At least all the comments together ending with yours make a gross of comments. I guess I just missed the podium of the gross comments.

Anonymous said...

"Eventually, he managed to finally get off the thing, and as I passed him I simply pointed to my own bicycle and said, "Brakes."

You're a prick.

Stupid Name said...

Thanks NOGO, that took me about 3 minutes to figure out. I just could not figure out what you had agains ducks, until I took my shoes off and counted up.

I am just a domestique, no podium ambitions, not even a concern where I will place, or if I place.

No anon 4:39, that is comedy.
Cruel, funny, truly great comedy.

Nogocyclist said...

People on here try for the first comment, the top 3 comments, first of the top ten, first of the top 20, first of the top 100 and now the last of the gross comments (144.)

Just you wait, one day I will be the 1000th comment. I am not going to try to get the 10,00th comment. I have only seen that many comments on The Pioneer Woman's Blog when she is giving something away for free.

Never considered that, I wonder how many Bike Snob would get if he did a give away in the comment section instead of by email?

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no one will read this said...

although clever and ironic, i feel gross comments shouldn't count for comment placement standings on BSNYC since I think the connection should be to cycling and its influence on individuals,economics, government and legal constructs of nations. Just thinking out loud. Now I dont know if this is true or not, if cyles are shipped to us in container ships from Tiawan by the "gross" then yeah gross comments should count.

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I discovered a lot of nice Sceneries and beautiful things through Cycling around.It 's really an Activity that I can not good Value it with money.

Cognorant said...

lol,

のいずれかの最後の数本の記事の中で最もインスピレーション場合、実に退屈しないされていないハハ。しかし、私はそれはとても楽しい私は今。ホープは、あなたと関心される場合は、やろうとすることだったが。 7種類の異なる言語で、再び私は呪いを、そして母ヤギのチーズをスローします。彼女はそれより下の階段を押されて、小さな小人楽しんでお楽しみがあります。

Ha!

Its the Wednesday Weed said...

No One will Read: I actually read your comment and would love to see a gross of comments as brilliant as yours.

Cognorant: Your comment is in Japanese. When I let Google translate it, I fear it is not that accurate to what you actually said. Your Profile says you live in St. Paul MN so I figure you probably are reasonably fluent in English. If you are, could you write your comment in English, or at least run your comment through Google Translate and make sure it says what you mean.

If you are not reasonably fluent in English, that's fine, I will accept what Google came up with.

Its the Wednesday Weed Man said...

"I curse again, and throw the mother goat cheese. She was pushed down the stairs from it, have fun and enjoy your little dwarf."

That is the translation Google made of the Japanese. That sounds like an interesting YouTube video. Maybe BSNYC could use it for his wrong answer video on the next Friday Fun Quiz.

Can someone make a YouTube of this please. I better go check, there are so many totally whacked out things on YouTube, this has probably already been done.

I went ahead and translated my comment back to Japanese for you.

"私は呪い、再び母親のヤギチーズをスローします。彼女は、そこから階段を下りて押されて、楽しいし、あなたの小さな小人お楽しみください。"

これは、翻訳、Googleが日本語でできている。それは面白いYouTubeのビデオのように聞こえる。たぶんBSNYCは次の金曜日お楽しみクイズの彼の間違った答えのビデオのために使うことができます。

This Weed is just Oregano said...

There is cheese made from mother Nigerian Dwarf Goats. Sounds like it would make a great snack to eat on your fixed gear. Soon to be seen on the Specialized NYC video series.

Cognorant said...

Wednesday Weed Man,

Sorry that original comment has been lost to the interwebs.

Trust me when I say it was fluent when I started.

If I want to be known to the world as anything I hope that it's the guy who can create great insults that when translated into a foreign language and back to English again they are unintelligible but somewhat humorous. If it could save lives I'd be, like, a superhero or something.

Swashbuckling Dandy said...

WW(M), I think Danny De Vito already made that movie. Sequels are always popular, though, and Youtube would be fine venue.

Cognorant said...

Ik, of mijn bedoeling, neem dan probeer me niet te begrijpen. Dit is u en uw broer zijn erg een mede-eigenaar in de echte zin van het onderzoek. Meer wapens en een grote vis, veel mensen zullen crawlen van uw jacht en de zee. Gelieve indien u dit te volgen.

Hey Man Its Oregano (I'm Really Bored) said...

The long answer I just curated was too boring for even me.

Comment deleted by author.

Used the oregano to make spaghetti said...

I confess that I have been so bored that I have just posted whatever. I am sorry.

I am posting a link to another fixed geared rider doing their routine of tricks. She ain't bad looking though.

??????

No one will read this said...

"Wednesday weed"- i was proven wrong, thanks!
btw not sure, we may need to check the bylaws of BSNYC however either you are in posession of a time machine or "grace period" for wednesday weed has been extended to a 47 hour period on both sides. If either of those are true it's a good thing!!

Its the Wednesday Weed Man said...

No one will read this:
No grace period. I got a medical exception card. I had to use stinking oregano though, because my state does not accept any cards. They are only good in NYC.

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