Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Gender Issues: Sealing Victory With A Kiss

As we saw yesterday, professional road racing can be blatantly sexual. However, at the same time it is often very conservative. For example, when the sloping top tube road bike made its first appearance under the Giant-sponsored ONCE team back in 1876 or whenever it was, the UCI moved to ban the design. The Great Trek Bicycle Making Company's naturally-occuring Y-Foil evoked similar ire and was successfully banned, which is why you only see them now under weird people with half-shorts and helmet mirrors. Also, even though it's 2010 and homosexuality is gaining widespread cultural acceptance, post-race podium action is strictly heterosexual--though a number of readers inform me that might change at this year's Giro d'Italia:

Like most post-college European backpacking trips, this year's Giro will begin in Amsterdam, and in the spirit of tolerance for which that city is famous at least some people would like to see a pair of "podium dudes" plant a big juicy "Mwah!" on the face of the winner. However, the television broadcaster of the event disagrees:

Personally, I'm in favor of the "podium dude" thing. Who cares what the riders want? The truth is that human sexuality is a strange and confusing grab-bag of preferences and proclivities, and podium ceremonies should evolve to reflect that. One stage it should be two women, and the next it should be two men--and it needn't stop there. How about mixed-gender podium teams? How about using people of indeterminate gender or the intersexed? Maybe once in awhile the podium people could use hot wax instead of kisses, or even ignore the winner altogether and just make out with each other. Plus, the fact that many of the race participants don't want to be kissed by men would actually mean a ratings bonanza for van der Meulen. Who wouldn't tune in to see Fabian Cancellara squirming uncomfortably as he is kissed by a pair of pantsless cowboys or a strange asexual person in a flesh-colored bodysuit à la late 1990s Marilyn Manson? Anyway, according to the guy who came up with this idea, one in ten riders is gay, so they're already being forced to get kissed by someone they don't want to get kissed by:

Really, in the spirit of fairness, I think either every rider should be kissed by podium people whose genders are chosen at random, or else every rider should submit his or her preferences to the UCI who should see to it that they get kissed accordingly:

As I pondered this important issue, it occurred to me that I had no idea whether "podium dudes" already exist in European women's racing, or if they do what they look like. Do they dress like Chippendales? Curious yet frightened of what I might find, I checked out photographs from the Giro d'Italia Femminile, and while I did see men on the podium I wasn't sure what purpose they served nor could I find definitive evidence of a "podium dude" actually kissing a racer. For example, were these guys "podium dudes?"

The guy on the left looks a little bit like he could be an Italian porno actor, but I tend to doubt that the guy on the right was chosen for his physical attributes. Here's another slightly less ambiguous picture:

Given the flirtatious champagne play and the pink Giro-colored polo shirts it's entirely possible that these guys are "podium dudes." Actually, judging from their attire it looks like the race organizers may have flown over a bunch of cabana boys from Atlantic Beach. In any case, if people aren't going to be more open-minded, it seems as though they should get just get rid of the whole kissing thing altogether and replace podium girls with an enraged Bernard Hinault:

When sex gets too controversial then just replace it with violence. Hey, it works for American TV.

In the meantime, if you're looking for fame and fortune and can't get work kissing professional bike racers in public due to your genitalway, you can always find fame on your "fixie," for a reader was kind enough to forward me the following "casting call:"

CASTING FIXED-GEAR CYCLIST FOR PSA
PAY IS $750

Paul Mitchell and Patron Spirits are putting together a PSA with Maneater Productions showcasing various charities and non-profit organizations.

We are looking for a cyclist who owns a FIXED GEAR BIKE and can ride it well. If you want to be in a PSA and show off your moves, please contact us ASAP.

Pay is $250 for the day and $750 buyout in perpetuity for the life of the PSA.

If you do not know what a fixed gear bike is:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fixed-gear_bike

TO SUBMIT:
Be sure to mention you heard about this from Jeff Gund at INFOLIST.com, and email ALL the information requested below ASAP to:
asst@dreambigcasting.net
Be sure to include:
1. Your name (first and last)
2. Contact Phone Number
3. Current photo (jpg format please)
4. If available, a video or LINK to a video showing yourself riding.
5. Be sure to mention you heard about this from Jeff Gund at INFOLIST.com!


I can only imagine what kind of PSA a hair care company, a tequila maker, and a company named "Maneater" are preparing to "drop," but it sounds like it has the makings for a great Giro d'Italia-in-Amsterdam post-stage afterparty. Also, I particularly like the fact that they are looking for someone who "owns a fixed gear bike and can ride it well," yet they still provide a link to the Wikipedia fixed-gear entry just in case. It's obvious that the casting agent knows nothing about fixed-gear "culture," especially since he's offering a "$750 buyout in perpetuity." Everybody knows that the going rate for "selling out in perpetuity" among fixed-gear riders is a pair of Velocity Chukkers and maybe a dorky t-shirt of some kind, and I think the people in that Jared Leto video did it for like half a tuna sandwich apiece. A shrewd negotiator would have started with free Paul Mitchell Tea Tree Hair and Body Moisturizer® for life and then worked his way up. Seriously, we're talking about people who are now actually using acrylic handlebars!

(These things, via another reader.)

Oh well, it's their money.

124 comments:

brant@shedfire said...

Many thanks for the T-Shirt which came the other day. I feel my life is now complete :-) - http://twitpic.com/14phb6 - oh? And Podium??

Anonymous said...

Second?

frilly said...

Mwah! Kisses all around!

Astroluc said...

gay top 5?

Anonymous Coward said...

Top Ten!!

Frilly's on fire

Anonymous said...

top ten!!11

mikeweb said...

Frilly on fi-yah!!

Paul Bowen said...

Top ten!

Anonymous said...

Greetings from Australia, Snobby. I started reading back from your first post the other day. You were so much angrier/pettier then? I liked it. A lot. Keep up the great work anyway. Your eblog is the ehighlight of my eday.

Ed said...

top ten

rezado said...

hi-rez

ant1 said...

ant1st!

10,000 Aches said...

Forgoe the kisses and spank 'em hard - the way they like it.

ken e. said...

thirteen!

mikeweb said...

So if the back of that dorky t-shirts reads "This is for riding. This is for fun.", I just might buy one.

10,000 Aches said...

I meant "Forgo". Sorry, spank me I guess.

youaretheengine said...

Podium kisses should be replaced with a Contadorian fingerbang. Obviously.

hillbilly said...

what's a podium?

Anonymous Coward said...

Those acrylic bars seem to be a genital-way of their own.

ant1 said...

nice work frilly

Anonymous said...

middle of the peleton! just like a prospect park race!

Bob said...

TOIL IS STUPID

spell checker said...

forego? I'm maybe wrong... can't believe it's a snow day here in Austin

Anonymous said...

"When sex gets too controversial then just replace it with violence. Hey, it works for American TV."

Oh bikesnob, quotes like this are why I want to fellate you.

Dave! said...

Allowing riders to indicate their podium girl preferences sounds great, but what happens if Tom Boonen wins on a school day?

Matt Boulanger said...

From the acrylic bars website:

"There is a possibility of the lack in an intense trick and the impact for an acrylic material, and breaking. In a usual running, there was especially no problem."

leah said...

genitalway????? I almost peed myself at that.

Jim N said...

Those acrylic handlebars cost about $140 USD.

No crazier than carbon fiber I guess.

agent detroit said...

podium bears! grrrr!

Jay said...

If the city is tolerant, why not just women and men race together?

Ralphy said...

Those who ride with glass handlebars...

(yes I know acrylic isn't glass)

Ralphy said...

ACRY | LICS

Strayhorn said...

One in ten cyclists are gay? Huh. Well, we had six riders in the group Sunday - how does that average out? Oh, wait, maybe one was bisexual. Or maybe it's divided by miles: it was a 40-mile ride, perhaps one person is gay for, say, 30 miles but straight for the final 10. Or maybe someone was gay on the upgrade, but straight on the downhill.

Life can be so confusing sometimes.

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure you can tell the gay ones by the amount of Rapha products they are rubbing/palping/curating. Not that there is anything wrong with that....I mean being gay, not wearing Rapha.

Isolation Helmet said...

Since we are talking about cyclists who seem to thrive on pain and suffering how about replacing podium girls with a dominatrix.

Fred said...

I dunno. According to the insightful gentlemen in the large pick-up trucks, I am gay whenever I ride my bike wearing lycra.

How they know this, I cannot say. But they are very vehement in their assessment, so I assume they know what they're talking about.

This will come as a shock to my wife, but by now, she is used to disappointment.

In the event I ever podium, I would like to be kissed by Jobst Brandt wearing pumps, a cocktail dress and a Daffy Duck mask.

Anonymous said...

TOP 40!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Fred, we must ride in the same area as those insightful guys in the pick-up trucks call me gay. The nice thing though, is they always offer me a beer....thrown at me....at 50 mph! Of course, it is domestic, so I can not drink it.

Anonymous said...

Love that the PSA folks included a link to what a fixed-gear was... Is that in case you were riding one but didn't know it or something?

IMy handlebars can also pleasure someones bad hole. said...

Those bars are made out of the same space aged plastic that they used to take the whale to the mothership in that Star trek movie. You know what Im talking about, don't you?

Vanonymous said...

GAYR ACER
GAYR IDER

Anonymous said...

Pickup truck drivers are the worst in terms of yelling at cyclists around here. I figure it's insecurity, since they're listening to sports talk radio littered with ads for male enhancement products, hair growth programs and credit counselling services.

MINGUStheMECHANIC said...

Seems too low, more like 1 in 10 roadies admit they are gay but probably more like 6 in 10 will eventually leave the closet and proudly prance with acrylic dildo bars in hand.

sufferist said...

Fred said: In the event I ever podium, I would like to be kissed by Jobst Brandt wearing pumps, a cocktail dress and a Daffy Duck mask.

As a point of clarity, since I am a fairly visual person, will you be wearing the pumps, cocktail dress and mask or would Mr. Brandt. Either way bravo for your imagination and courage.

Anonymous said...

IMY handlebars, I do know what you are talking about. But in that case, it was devised by the ship engineer, Scottie. I doubt I would trust an engineer who hadn't worked with dilithium crystals. Hey, maybe he could make a handlebar out of dilithium crystals....not only would it have the same appearance as the acrylic, it could also power a Star Ship!

sufferist said...

I think that if they announced or paraded the podium girls through the riders at the start of the race, it might provide a better incentive to win, or not win, if you are racing in Arkansas or somewhere like that.

sufferist said...

Anon 2:20 - Please say that you are not suggesting the use of Dilithium Crystals as a power source, when we all know that their main purpose is to regulate the matter/antimatter reaction in the ships core.

leroy said...

Is it just me or has anyone else noticed that no one wants to kiss them after a long bike ride?

But I think Frilly may be on to something. The winning racers on the podium should do the kissing.

Much more spontaneous that way.

Fred Clydesdale said...

i vote for the podium-girls-making-out thingie.

Emma said...

Those acrylic handlebars look like a dildo. I'm surprized nobody has mentioned this yet.

sufferist said...

Anon 2:12- If they threw a Chimay would you stop and finish it off? Some of those truck drivers and their passengers are fraught with germs.

wishiwasmerckx said...

So, one in 10, you say? Well, let's see...1,2,3...Ed is the 10th commenter...Ant1 is the 20th commenter...Jay is the 30th commenter...


Ghey,ghey,ghey....

Ronsonic said...

Iso Helmet, Bianchi is way ahead of you ..... http://www.bianchiusa.com/store/bianchi-master-says-faster-sticker.html

Anonymous said...

why not go all the way and have some gay dude suck the winner dick?

ant1 said...

merckx,

but i'm also 12th. what does that mean. i haven't been this confused since college.

Phil Ligget said...

I see no problem with hot man-on-man kissing on the podium. I would be more than happy to present a trophy to Tom Boonen.

mwah.

CommieCanuck said...

I hear in Italy the new fixie bars are hand-blown glass.
I'm working on a fixie made entirely of papier mâché.

That's French, so buy it.

Upand Down said...

I tend to feel like a total slut on steep uphills but a complete stud on gradual downhills and flats with a 40mph tailwind. But then I don't think that has to do with gender, just that I totally suck.

And yet I keep getting on the bike....

yogisurf said...

I was sneaking a Snobby read on my smart phone during a meeting. Lost in prose, I busted out laughing at this:

I can only imagine what kind of PSA a hair care company, a tequila maker, and a company named "Maneater" are preparing to "drop," but it sounds like it has the makings for a great Giro d'Italia-in-Amsterdam post-stage afterparty.

I elicited some stares from my boss and co-workers....

Great tie in, RTMS.

Anonymous said...

Re: acrylic handlebars - somewhere a porn set director is searching everywhere for an important prop.

I think you should get to choose your podi-yum - if you get my drift. Personally, I would choose a three-toed sloth and a Thompson's Gazelle, but that's just me...both wearing yarmulkes.

Anonymous said...

judging from the general bitchyness and propensity for form fitting clothing of the guys who circle central park on their road bikes I would put the gay cyclists ratio at a much higher 4 of 10.

Anonymous said...

Oh yogisurf - you are a braver (gender non-specific reference) than I!!!

Anonymous said...

It's one in ten RIDERS.

More like five in ten COMMENTERS.

HOMO POST

FRUT LOOP

Anonymous said...

(using thumbs too)

CLEAR DILDO

sufferist said...

Anon 3:34- [Firmly, but in the most non-man-love manner possible, asserting my heteroway]I'm with Fred, this will shock my wife.

sufferist said...

Just because you baked a pie once, that does not make you a baker.

But if you kill someone, even just the one time, you are a murderer.

Something to think about.

Viper said...

BSNYC,

I found your "strange asexual person in a flesh-colored bodysuit à la late 1990s Marilyn Manson..."

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_8pVa7S7Zxqk/SjXmB73Ye7I/AAAAAAAAAAM/T94pqychnF0/s320/slim-goodbody-album.jpg

As a child, he frightened me -- as an adult, he terrifies me.

Anonymous said...

mmm...pie!

Dr. Makim ben'Dover said...

Please insure that the podium dudes are wearing lizard skins.

Thomas said...

70th!!!!! Oh no, in my quest to not win I placed in a spot divisible by 10------>GHEY!!!

honnybucket said...

How about an all fabio podium dude makeout session? The great fabio cancellara and the great fabio (of no known last name)? Fabio collabo?

honnybucket said...

And can someone please explain how we're now 70+ comments into this thread without a single Liz Hatch reference!!? I'm disappointed in you all.

CommieCanuck said...

why not go all the way and have some gay dude suck the winner dick?

You assume the winner rolls that way, if Contador is on the podium, we all know where that finger is banging.

PCLA said...

1 in 10 riders are gay... 1 in 10 fixie curators are straight... can you spot 'em?

My guess is that the straight ones are palping front brakes since they have less to prove than the closeted brakeless ones.

Nogocylist said...

Congratulations brant@shedfire on winning this stage of le Tour de Homard.
The Red Jersey (the yellow jersey of le Tour de Hormard) is now yours. You just need to get it away from the "poser." Congratulations also goes out to Anonymous 12:55 and frilly for completing the podium.

Just wait. Soon it will be mine again!

Adam said...

Smooches from podium dudes? Not to worry, hip hop (as always) comes to the rescue: just drop a "no homo" after the *mwah* and everything's straight again:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TBkYdUgl3-M

frilly said...

10k Aches,

In the words of Brother Tone Loc--

You can't touch this!

ken e. said...

frilly, you're hilarious!

everyone else is pretty funny too, but not so good-looking in lace...

Nogocyclist said...

We don't need to worry about them making a PSA about fixed gear riding. Not at all! With their requirements, no fixie will be able to fulfill the requirements.

Fact one, they said: "We are looking for a cyclist who owns a FIXED GEAR BIKE and can ride it well." Everyone knows there are no fixed gear riders who can ride as well as a ten year old BMX rider.

Fact two: Requirement #4. "If available, a video or LINK to a video showing yourself riding."

Everyone knows that every fixed gear rider has many videos of themselves riding. This being so, see fact one.

If a fixie must submit a video of them riding if they have one, and the producers want someone who is a good rider, we can surmise that they will never find what they are looking for.

They will just have to settle on a PSA of a couple of podium guys kissing the first fixed gear rider at the end of the next Critical Mass Ride.

CommieCanuck said...

I've decided that this is to be the new RickRounding:
warmleatherrounding.. Enjoy.

Test Tickle said...

"When sex gets too controversial then just replace it with violence. Hey, it works for American TV."

brilliant.

and the handlebar? looks like it would work well in a gay porno.

DUBL ENDR

balls.

ant1 said...

new frillies Frilly?

CommieCanuck said...

"When sex gets too controversial then just replace it with violence. Hey, it works for American TV."

This, I do not get. You can show a guy blowing some guy's head off with brain bits and blood splatter, but "motherfucker" and "fuck you" have to be dubbed with "fairy godmother" and "forget you".It's ok to brutally murder kids, just don't curse!

You can't have a gay man kiss another gay man on US TV unless he shoots him first.

Fred said...

Sufferist @ 2:19. Sorry about the ambiguous construction. That would be Jobst's outfit.

I will be wearing my usual Avocet touring shoes, khaki touring shorts (extra short), ragg wool socks, Primal "Pink Floyd" jersey and disheveled, Cytomax-encrusted beard.

Lawrence of the Labia said...

DUDE KISS

LADY GAGA

PINK POLO

CALL ASAP

YOUR NAME

Podium Don't said...

My rider requires not one but two hairy vagina balls, or I won't do the shoot!

Luck E. Seven said...

Frilly's podium dude!


A

Anonymous said...

First Hetero!!

Anonymous said...

Why does he have to be gay to suck the winners dick? Jeez...fix a hundred sinks...

I'll take two! said...

Jim N said...

Those acrylic handlebars cost about $140 USD.


A plunger with a clear acrylic handle and a beer-can shim (or four) costs about $15.

Personally, I like a length of garden hose filled with epoxy resin or a piece or re-bar.
I use quick-connects on the ends for removable clear or silver streamers which look like flowing water.

Johnny Sprocket said...

Adultshop.com has those acrylic handlebars way cheaper than that! They also have a long black model for oversized stems.

Secret Trainer said...

I Was A Podium Guy!

Years ago after winning a race in France I was asked to present the winners bouquet to the winner of the womens race - of course, they should have run the womens race earlier, so the winner could present a bouquet to me!

Nogocyclist said...

Addendum to my post at 5:06.

There really are fixed gear riders who can ride almost as well as your average ten year old riding a bmx bike.

Only problem, this is what their bike looks like afterwards.

The Best Fixed Gear Rider Ever! said...

%*##

kerry said...

'Podium kisses should be replaced with a Contadorian fingerbang.'

aghhhh!!! ewwwwww!

How much do you think it would cost? I would pay to see Lance do it( I mean, his name would make a GREAT gay porn star name:D )

kerry said...

Damn it, someone beat me to the Liz hatch comment!

When I win the tour, I want to kiss HER!( And Frank S for dessert)

kerry said...

you guys are amazing!! the funniest one yet.

plum said...

You got it Anon - a link to...what...a fixed gear bicycle is. Just in case you are absolutely unbelievably talented at fixed riding, enough so to warrant being filmed for money doing it, yet you somehow have absolutely no idea at all what this contraption underneath you actually is. Amazing the chances.

ant1 said...

zips up jersey...

Anonymous said...

Must slow just a little....

ant1 said...

ant100st!

Anonymous said...

Yea baby!!!!

ant1 said...

shit.

Crappy pack fodder said...

Ant1 the jersey zipping up gave u away

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

grog said...

so would vibrating dildo handlebars be a good idea?

kerry said...

I dreamed that I rode that bike with the clear little handlebar. It was too hard to steer and I crashed!! How the hell do people use those( I mean, for real?)

Bosanova Bill said...

Could be worse, some BMX company has created a plastic stem.

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