Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Going by the Book: Signs from Above

(Forms are already beginning to trickle in.)

Throughout history, humanity has sought to impart meaning on life and to create codes for living. Over the centuries, these codes have been assembled into various books which serve as guides and moral templates. Such books include the Bible, the Koran, the Bhagavad Gita, and Bob Vila's extensive canon of works on home improvement and remodeling.

I too live my life strictly according to "the book." More accurately, I adhere religiously to two books. These are my generic Bicycle Owner's Manual:
And Stanley's Solid Gold Dream Book:


The Bicycle Owner's Manual is the book I turn to when I have doubts, questions, or moral quandaries related to bicycles, bicycle maintenance, the act of cycling, or bicycle ownership. As you can see from the image of the cover above, sometimes you don't even need to open the book to receive guidance. "Turn Front Forks to Face Forwards" is the sort of advice that will take you far as a cyclist. It's also something a surprising number of people do not know how to do, as evidenced by this photo which was sent to me by a reader in London:

Stanley's Solid Gold Dream Book, on the other hand, is the book that addresses the more abstract spiritual quandaries in which one can find oneself. It can also help one harness the power of the supernatural and the otherworldly. For example, even before doing my morning Jazzercise and eating my bowl of Franken Berry, I always make sure to check my Daily Numerology Vibrations:

I also make sure to interpret my dreams:

Stanley is not always politically correct, nor is he an accurate speller:

However, the truth is that great mystics can be coarse people. Remember, both Jesus and Bob Vila are simple carpenters (Jesus still carpents in Heaven where he drives around in a beat-up van with "God and Son" painted on the side), and I'm sure when they smack their thumbs with a hammer they both curse accordingly. Remember too that Yoda's poor grammar less powerful his wisdom did not make. So when I have a dream that I'm brunching on omelettes with a bunch of Dutch "podium dudes," I know that I must do all I can to salvage a friendship that is in distress. That's why this morning I called some close personal friends and apologized for sneaking a bunch of greasy bike components into their dishwasher when they had me over for dinner recently. While the machine was not repairable, fortunately our friendship was. Thanks, Stanley. Best $3 I ever spent.

And so it was that, beset by precipitation, I headed into the wilds of Brooklyn yesterday on a twofold mission. I won't bother you with details concerning the first fold of this mission, but the second fold involved wetting my pants:

I will address the pants-wetting in some future post, but in the meantime it's the journey and not the destination with which I am concerned. As it happens, my damp voyage took me along Bedford Avenue, that hotbed of controversy which is currently the Gaza Strip of the "Hipster vs. Hasidim" religious wars. Unwisely, I had undertaken my trip just as the local yeshivas were letting out, and so I got to witness a child drop-off in action:

(All You Buses Protect My Jews)

The way it works is that the bus comes to a sudden diagonal stop in the middle of the block, bringing all vehicular traffic to a halt. Thus protected, the child then emerges on the leeward side of the bus where she is collected by a doting mother in a schmata.

Obviously, whether you're driving a car or "palping" an Ironic Orange Julius Bike, this is somewhat irritating. Unsure of how to comport myself, I consulted my Bicycle Owner's Manual, but the only remotely relevant bit of advice was this:

"Watch out for the other guy-ridedefenal very."

I'm assuming that "guy-ridedefenal" is Yiddish, but lacking fluency in that tongue I was unable to watch out for one. It did specify that I should watch out for the other guy-ridedefenal, though, so I imagined that a first guy-ridedefenal would attempt to distract me while a second stole my bicycle. This, however, did not transpire, and I didn't even bother to consult Stanley's Solid Gold Dream Book because no eggs or "faggetts" were involved.

Ultimately, I chose my default mode, which is "watch and contemplate." While the Hasidim are inconsiderate sometimes, it's obvious that their lack of consideration is motivated by a strong protective instinct. Probably the unwisest way to deal with fiercely protective people or animals is to intimidate them, which is essentially what the "hipsters" who intended to ride naked through their neighborhood were planning to do. In a way it all comes down to what you think New York City should be. Traditionally, it's been a place where each neighborhood has a strong character with its own behavioral code that is not necessarily scrutable to or convenient for the sojourner, and where he or she might be expected to behave deferentially or at least respectfully while visiting. (Such respect was really the imperfect yet functional mortar that held the city together.) Increasingly, though, New York is becoming a place that is expected to conform to some higher ideal of what the current post-gentrification wave of "urban planners" believe a "livable city" should be. As a cyclist, I appreciate the latter, but as a person who likes to "watch and contemplate," I appreciate the former. If you expect smooth and unfettered passage some New York neighborhoods can be a real pain in the ass, but you may end up missing them when they're gone.

In any case, it was really only a few moments before the bus moved and I was able to resume my journey. While the Hasidim may have their shtetl, the "hipsters" or "gentrifiers" or whatever you want to call them have theirs too, and it is expanding into areas where once those who advocated for "livable cities" (in the literal "I don't want to get murdered sense," not the "We need more bike racks in front of the Apple store" sense) once feared to tread. With a few moments to kill, I nipped into a "vintage" clothing store in order to get out of the rain:

This, it would seem, is where "hipsters" happen:

I didn't buy anything because I have no real desire to look like Louis Winthorpe III post-arrest:

And once the musty smell became overpowering I went off and took care of the completely legitimate and perfectly legal business that had brought me to this neighborhood in the first place.

On the way back, I noticed with dismay that the new bike lanes which had made a previously death-defying traffic circle pleasantly rideable have now been taken over by the NYPD and are serving as truck and bus parking:

This is actually a pre-automotive superhighway of sorts, since the brown lanes are dedicated to horses and the green lanes are dedicated to bikes:


Even when there aren't police buses in the bike lane though you will often find plenty of manure. It seems the horses like to leave their brown in our green:


As you can see, this particular pile also contains a compact disc, and a closer inspection reveals that it is some sort of Torah study guide:

I'm not sure how this got there. Did someone intentionally discard it, or are New York City's horses now being fed on rabbinical CDs? Either way, I didn't need to consult Stanley's Solid Gold Dream Book to know that this was a sign: In one neighborhood you may be king, but in another you're just manure. Also, sometimes not winding up in crap is a simple matter of paying attention to where you're going.

111 comments:

Anonymous said...

Go, Dallas M., go!

Anonymous said...

PBR: Tastes great, less tefillin?

Anonymous said...

Second again from Detroit Mac and Team Jaeger

luciferyellow said...

schluffing into the top 10!

xyxax said...

cinquieme?

Jen said...

Fifth across the line? Team time trialist.

Nogocyclist said...

Anonymous 11:59, You won. Its your choice podium girls or boys? Pucker up!

Anonymous said...

podium ain't that hard

jon said...

Good vibrations.

shoegazer said...

to here knows when

Jen said...

I believe the top of the podium is referring to this.

Ed said...

TOP 12!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mikeweb said...

It was the Dukes!

leah said...

You can't make that mishigas up!

Nogocyclist said...

Man who would have ever guessed.
Here I have to deal with mailmen, cops, and lawbreakers parking in the Handicapped Parking places.

In NYC, it appears the cops just took over completely that bike lane. Who will give them a ticket.

Anonymous said...

Today's post was a little sloppier than usual.

It must have been written soon after that totally legit and legal activity was completed...

CommieCanuck said...

Faggett is a typo, it should be "to know a Saget", ...a shite "entertainer/comedian".

As for my UCI survey, I used the write-in option of "transgender pink pony that smells of Olde Spice, wearing a black thong"

hillbilly said...

akroyd1st

Astroluc said...

go me. I love Trading Places. :F

Luck E. Seven said...

Bunny hop the road apples!


A

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

Anonymous said...

So "turn front forks forward" and
"Watch out for the other guy-ridedefenal very." are really metaphors for face forward, pay attention and ride defensively or else you'll wind up in horse****?

Wow, Good advice anyday.

Too bad that kid from back to the future didn't know that before driving into the manure truck.

The more things change the more they stay the same.

thegock said...

LEAD GRP!

Guy Ridenfal said...

That horse probably ate a poor hasidic kid. I had heard there were man-eating horses in NYC. They are disguised as livery cab propulsion units.

don myrah said...

25th!!!

broomie said...

Ponderifficient!

Or, is it mulltemplastic?

Anonymous said...

ant1st!

Anonymous said...

man I love that store the best thrift store in the city

hillbilly said...

I don't know if it is irony necessarily, but the fact that those police vans are so close to where they threw that poor kid in the catacombs for an evening after ticketing him for riding on the sidewalk is shitty. another reason to call it horseshit alley.

Bob said...

SLACK

ant1 said...

ant1st!

grog said...

what does your book say about the coming of another snowstorm?

Disgruntl Ed. said...

A bus blocking all lanes says "STOP" so much better than an English-only sign on the side of a bus, and we all know that traffic is not permitted to pass when the signs are out and lights flashing. I'm with the bus driver on this one.

As for the police, they are clearly laying a trap. Before long there will fifty cyclists unable to pass, and a bus in place to haul them all down to the station. Jerks.

Strayhorn said...

Oh, I'd happily look like Louis Winthorpe III if it means I get a squint at Jamie Lee Curtis' bewbs.

Meanwhile, my UCI form seems to have been delayed in the mail. Some oversight, I'm positive.

Anonymous said...

yo, second ant1st, you're ant2nd. someone already got ant1st.

Rantwick said...

A "Trading Places" reference? You never cease to amuse... but what does it say about me that I knew who Louis Winthorpe III was? Nothing good, I fear.

Rantwick said...

I sent my UCI form to the UFC people by accident on purpose.

JTK said...

YDSH TUNG

David Cassidy said...

Mock not the Hipster! Just as I created punk rock, so too shall Hipsters create great things!

Ralphy said...

"Be sure that nothing is overlooked"

I love this advice. It may join the ranks of other instructions which have never failed me when it comes to assembling bicycles:

"Do the correct thing."
"Do not commit mistakes"
"Ensure you do things the right way and not the wrong way."

If you adhere strictly to these edicts, your bicycle assembly will go flawlessly. Who needs Barnett's big ol' dream books?

Yusef Hawkins said...

"Traditionally, it's been a place where each neighborhood has a strong character with its own behavioral code that his not necessarily scrutable to or convenient for the sojourner"

Ah, the good old days! Props to the frum brothers for keeping it old school.

Anonymous said...

Are there rear forks?

I am the engine said...

guy-ridedefenal is guy richie's brother, he drives a bus in new york, and unfortunately drives it like a guy richy movie.

Horse poop, is the least of your problems.

Stupid Name said...

Are you sure that the lone wolf was not lurking nearby?

His diskman was probably emptied out, after a run in with the curl police.

Hope he is not around when the weather warms up and the naked ride begins.

Senate Investigation Committe said...

Remember too that Mr. ToYoda's poor vehicles less powerful his testimony did not make.

Anonymous said...

Liz Hatch, There I did it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9NvSVzshkI0&feature=SeriesPlayList&p=D85D72DA329851BE

Test Tickle said...

WISE YODA

balls.

Test Tickle said...

YODA WISE

sllab.

ervgopwr said...

Snob, did you wet your pants at the sight of the horse shit in the road or at the cops blocking the lane (who also weren't even letting schoold children out)?

CADL LUVS
LEVI 4EVR

Fingerbang Assistant said...

Sell Mortimer, sell!

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CommieCanuck said...

Dan Akroyd...sigh.

This guy went from being the coolest Canadian with the Blues Brothers and Belushi to the biggest effing dork we've produced since Alan Thicke.

Now, he's making wine (awful wine) and writing books about the paranormal, or as I refer to it, bullshit.

Akroyd is proof that some people are just much better on cocaine.

rural 14 said...

ant 2nd!
snow to hub...middle of the road, scary. Staying at home then.

Anonymous said...

great one today, a nice thought that respect is the mortar that holds NYs diverse neighborhoods together. unfortunately the general "me first" attitude of most nyers leaves little time or capacity for respect of others. I would say ingorance and indifference is more like the mortar that holds the neighborhoods together, or more acurately keeps them out of each other's way.

Anonymous said...

so, not only are the burritoos epic out here, but our cops are not jerks. they are epic cops. I once saw one of them beat a man to death publicly in front of his family for turning right without yielding to a cyclist. the cyclist wasn't even riding, was just sitting out front of a cafe under an umbrella smoking. they absolutely love us out here.

ant1 said...

anon 1:30 - someone already got anonymous.

Sidewinder Slim said...

What a poignant and bittersweet blog..the first bit had me laughing out loud, but then came the sad part: the cops usurping the bike lanes; and then the serious message: you are just so much poop depending on which universe you happen to be in.
In an ever expanding universe 10 billion light years across, (a universe we all happen to be in) a little conflict is to be expected between those who are expanding and those that have condensed to 4000 year old supernatural beliefs.

mikeweb said...

Turn those machines back on!!!

Anonymous said...

Cursing accordingly when Jesus hits his thumb with a hammer = Dad Gummit.

Anonymous said...

Solid post, snob. Way to build to the last line. Better cool it before you start getting all meaningful and stuff.

Love it!

mikeweb said...

I'm sure most people already know this, but just in case...

"Trading Places" is said to have been based on an actual event in stock market history. In 1980 the Hunt brothers, two investors from Texas, attempted to corner the silver market in an event that came to known as Silver Thursday. They borrowed heavily in the attempt and eventually had to declare banruptcy.

It still isn't known with certainty who the armed man in the Santa suit was who disrupted the firm's Christmas banquet.

Anonymous said...

i have to say. favorite bsnyc post of all time.

if i ever have to explain who bsnyc is or what makes this blog so great, i will send them a link to today.

Anonymous said...

Snob,

I'm glad you found my CD. You can keep it.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Speaking of which, last week I saw a guy with a bumper sticker on his work truck which read "My boss is a Jewish carpenter." I said to him, "So, you are a religous man?" he replied, "No, I work for Goldstein Brothers Framing Company."

Anonymous said...

Browne Green is actually a prominent trial attorney in southern California.

Sarah P said...

Snobby - have you palped a pair of Ralpha trousers?
Created for the urban bike-rider, these smart, slimcut trousers are tough enough to survive the rigours of the winter commute butt also sylish enough to be worn off the bicycle in Thrift stores....

Excellent post today!!

wishiwasmerckx said...

CC, Saget claims that "Saget" is a stage name. He says his birth name is "Robert Somosexual."

The Bicycle Owners Manual said...

Hey fixie freestylers, stop doing barspins and:

*Turn Front Forks to Face Forwards

Anonymous said...

Good to see that the Hunt bros. were "too big to fail".

Anonymous said...

Gotta say, "femmelle & male" are used in French for animals only, while femme/homme refer to woman/man, so there's no way that's a real UCI form!

Where is ant1 when he's needed?

Anonymous Coward said...

"Look at that S-car go"

@Sarah P - I'm not familiar with "winter commute butt", please explain

BikeSnobNYC said...

Disgruntl Ed.,

After posting I realized the same thing about the bus It's a solid tactic.

--BSNYC

ant1 said...

anon 3:37 - you are correct.

Lawrence of the Labia said...

LIFE CODE

GOLD BOOK

KNOW FAGG

REAL PAIN

KING CRAP

Anonymous said...

I have to stop reading BS NYC at work, I can't control the laughter..

sherpa said...

nicely done

some lousy trousers said...

winter commute butt
I am not tough enough to
survive its rigours

Anonymous said...

I dunno, CC, Akroyd is a decent actor. Driving Miss Daisy? His southern accent is pretty good - almost believable.

heath said...

all yiddish hiney support mountain biking

Sprocketboy said...

"...its own behavioral code that his not necessarily scrutable to or convenient for the sojourner.." Did the helper monkey not proof this, Mr. Snob? Does the "his not necessarily scrutable" refer to Podium Dudes?

Rick Donkey said...

Streets called Knickerbocker and school bus drivers that think they're Schumacher on a qualifying lap at the Monaco GP...NYC is a wacky place.

Blaiser said...

WTF Disgruntl Ed.? Octagonal red isn't good enough for you? English only? Are you high?

Snob -- your a faggett. Your also on friggin' fyre. Daily posts=no sacrifice in quality. Palp that.

Paul said...

Wow. I've never seen a bus do that. Does the bus stay in an automotive lane and then cut over? A power slide to block traffic would be cool.

Sarah P said...

@anon coward
My bad there should be a "," before "butt" . These crappy govt issued handhelds..

And another thing, just what is up with the flying biek? Where was that pic taken, Hogwarts?

Anonymous said...

trecker

wadep said...

RICH MOND

BIKE SHOW

YALL COME

FRIL LYTO

AYHS MHYO

all you haters see many handmades, yo!

landis in 06 said...

I've been scared to post for almost 2 days now, I'm still debating what number I am and if I'm ghey, straight, bi, tri or ride a fixie or like the acrylic dildo handlebar. Pls don't tell me my number, I'm confused as it is.

Anst1st, what's up with the posers?

hmmm, while spinning the the other day I began to wonder does a spin bike qualify as a fixed gear? I can do some really good tricks on it!

leroy said...

Speaking of books ....

Does anyone else think BSNYC should get celebrities to stand in for him on his book tour?

It worked for Salman Rushdie when he was ducking that pesky fatwa.

And really, who wouldn't want to hear Morgan Freeman reading a critique of the Five Boro Bike Tour?

PCLA said...

LHSVMF!!

Liz Hatch So Very Mega Fine!

kerry said...

what if your celibate? Who kisses you then?

ant1 said...

landis - i'm not sure. maybe they're under the false impression that being ant1st! is a good thing.

Disgruntl Ed. said...

Blaiser,
Well, God used Hebrew to inscribe the ten commandments on stone tablets, so perhaps that language would give the sign more authority.
It's all good enough for me as is, but I've witnessed drivers blowing past these signs. The bus driver vigilante might be saving a kiddie's life.

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Anonymous said...

i got kicked in the shin this morning on the de-laned bike lane on bedford ave by a hasid while i was moving on my bike! when i turned around to perhaps give him a swift kick in the khlam, i saw that there was a school bus with the blinky stop sign on... i guess he was angry for that... but still, that was a violent act... and i was not about to answer a stupid act with another stupid act and anyways, i'd get my khlams handed to me by a mob... zen is called for to quell the rising tensions... i don't think i'll be forgiving next time.

Rex H said...

So when it rains, the manure from the inner circle would wash downhill into the bike lane? gross.

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One thing the hipsters should admit is that without the hasidim making the neighborhood so safe, they would never have had the guts to move into Bushwick/Williamsburg. The hasidim ARE protective, but in a way that's the reason you're there, isn't it? In what other inner city neighborhood can you walk around at 3 am?

So really, the hipsters should be grateful that the hasidim carved out this safe haven in the middle of a run down neighborhood, making a cheap and affordable neighborhood safe to live in (and thus attracting the hipsters).

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