Friday, November 13, 2009

BSNYC Funday Fry Quiz!

Firstly, you may recall that awhile back I agreed to serve as a juror for the Transportation Alternatives "Biking Rules!" PSA contest. Well, this Tuesday, November 17th, the winners of this contest will be announced at the "Biking Rules Festival" at the Brooklyn Academy of Music. As a juror, I am entitled to one single complimentary ticket to this event, but unfortunately I am unable to attend due to [insert excuse here]. So, rather than let this ticket lie fallow, I'm instead going to give it away. (The ticket has now been claimed, but feel free to email and call me a schmuck anyway.) If you live in the New York City area (or you'll be there on the 17th), have nothing better to do, and want to go in my stead, simply email me using the subject line "Gimme Your Ticket, Schmuck" and answer the following cycling-themed trivia question: "Which European country hosts the Tour de France?" (Hint: it's France.) The first person to email me with the correct answer gets the ticket, and while I can't tell you to harass, pester, or otherwise molest the TA people I secretly hope you will and I will also happily post any pictures you take while doing so. Also, if you don't win the ticket and want to actually pay to go, you can buy tickets here.

Moving on, around the time The Flaming Lips were casting about for naked hipsters, actor Jared Leto was also tapping the Los Angeles "Midnight Ridazz" for people to be in a video for his band, 30 Seconds to Mars. Well, this is truly a banner week for bicycle-themed music videos, for a number of people have informed me that this video has also just "dropped," and it probably won't surprise you to learn that it's stunningly, jaw-droppingly, pants-wettingly awful:

(Leto to director: "I think I just wet my pants.")

The awfulness of both the song and the video goes beyond the purview of a simple blog post or indeed an entire blog, and as such I'm currently applying for a grant which will allow me to study it during a proposed two-year research leave. What is immediately clear though is that the filmmakers have drawn much of their inspiration from the film "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure," which would be a good thing if this music video wasn't intended to be deadly serious. In particular, most of the imagery is taken from the crucial "post-theft basement debriefing" scene. For example, here are the townsfolk assembled at Pee-Wee's house:

And here are the "Midnight Ridazz:"


Here's Amazing Larry talking to Mario from the magic shop:


And here's Amazing Larry's doppelganger riding a tall bike:


Here's a creepy hairless man-child with a funny voice, filmed in shadow:


And here's a creepy hairless man-child with a funny voice, filmed in shadow:


Beyond this, the video also features two instances of the exuberant fixed-gear freestyle ballet-esque hipster-on-a-dais "Look at me, I'm fabulous!" back wheel spinny thing, here:

And here:


As well as a poignantly symbolic moment when a "hipster" in a gas mask gets hit by a "square" driving a sedan (which means maturity is toxic):


At which point the victim's spirit is manifest in the form of a riderless Mongolian cyclocross bike:


Amid all this, Jared Leto rides around on a "tarck" bike with a single front brake and a freewheel:


He also sings against the setting (or is rising?) sun as though his musical persona were some unctuous amalgam of all the worst characteristics of Bono:

This video is so offensive that afterwards I went back and watched The Flaming Lips video and actually liked it. Like a powerful expectorant, Leto and his band have truly managed to coax all that is slimy and mucous from deep within the alveolae of cycling and music. It may take Leto 30 seconds to get to Mars, but it only took half that time for him to get me to vomit.

Having said that, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the question, think, and then click on your answer. If you're right you'll know, and if you're wrong you'll see fixed-gear freestylers forced to confront what they really are.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, thanks for forwarding me disturbing things, and be sure to enjoy the weekend culture.

--BSNYC/RTMS





1) "Finally, a music video I can get behind!" This one is called:






2) Which is Pee-Wee Herman's LBS?






3) How much will you pay for a pair of "Osloh bicycle jeans?"





4) "Premium Rush" is:






5) Which "Beverly Hills 90210" castmember has optioned the film rights to a mountain biker's tragic life story?







"The Mordecai saddle will make you go as fast as a hawk and give you a more comfortable ride, almost like you are flying."

6) Who sells this Regal knockoff?




7) Where was this freak bike spotted?




***Special Jared Leto-Themed Bonus Question***


Jared Leto.



118 comments:

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CZSR

-P.P.

Hans said...

2!

Anonymous said...

2nd JMP

Anonymous said...

second, i guess?

Fingerbang Assistant said...

podium banger

ant1 said...

ant1st!

mikeweb said...

Top 10!

rezado said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mikeweb said...

P.P. number 1!! and it's not even Good Friday...

rezado said...

Man, I love fridays even if they do leave me penniless and hungover

Fired Fingerbang Assistant said...

stupid tiny podiums

JClev19 said...

I don't understand how Jared Leto is able to even ride a bike - didn't he lose his arms to infection?

ASST OASS

Visegripmikey said...

Top 15!

hillbilly said...

chick corea's bike a roni almost made me wet my pants.

Anonymous said...

yeah

S.K. said...

My mouth is full of barf and hair gel.

mikeweb said...

Dang! 3 right.

I have to say, the Flaming Lips bashing yesterday was disturbing me, because I like them. Actually as it turns out I like "Yoshimi". When I watched the 'fur-vaj' video, I discovered that the song sucks worse than the video.

Charles said...

Top 20?

Mordecai said...

100% vinyl. Oy.

Eyelicker said...

Jared Leto

Tyler Durden said...

JARD LETO
FGHT CLUB
FACE SMSH

NJOY YOUR
WNKD CLTR

leroy said...

Can someone please ask that Osloh guy to stop standing in the bike lane on the Bridge.

I swear I could have crested the summit of the Bridge's 3% grade without having to get off and push if only the bike lane had been clear.

Hmmmmph. Hardly seems fair for me to miss a personal best just for a slick photographic metaphor about having one foot in bike culture and the other in pedestrian culture.

If you ask me, whatever the Osloh guy stepped in was clearly pedestrian.

And I'm oh sloh enough all on my own.

kale said...

This is a much better soundtrack for the video. But that's not saying much.

eric said...

mordecai was a falcon, not a hawk.

Strayhorn said...

Mordecai said...

100% vinyl. Oy.

Dude. Srsly. They are actually bragging that "there is no leather in this." They should have at least included some crabon.

I'll bet the "rivets" are plastic as well. Wonder what the folks at Selle San Marco think about this?

hillbilly said...

Those Osloh people chose to put on their website that shorts were "arriving" in 2010? they missed such a perfect chance to say shorts were dropping in 2010

Astroluc said...

wow... I don't know how but I got %100.

krexus said...

I've been exposed to a lot of crap on the internet, but that 30 Seconds to Mars video is now far and away the crappiest crap I've ever seen. At least the FLips spent as little time and money as possible. 53 seconds into this one and I'd already cringed 4 times. God help us that is horrid horrid shit.

ant1 said...

the AYHSMB video is pretty awesome.

Anonymous said...

http://www.sundaybikes.com/v3/products/frames/funday/

Anonymous said...

That Jared Leto video is the high water mark of fixed gear culture. which is to say it slurps big buckets of diarrhea. The kids should be proud.
Seriously, I love it when movie stars start rock bands and do things like this. It's always entertaining to see how an egomaniac will present himself if cost is no object.

Awesome tall bike though.

Ronsonic said...

Packfill.

Anonymous said...

I love that smaller companies are making inexpensive know offs of high end saddles. Good for them.

I hate that the industry's affordable offerings are always over padded tractor seats. There's no reason you should have to spend well over a hundred bucks for a decent saddle, it certainly doesn't reflect the price of materials or design.

Bad Lawyer said...

I'm a loner, Dottie, . . . a rebel.

Anonymous said...

I meant "knock off" not "know off"
Duh...

Seanywonton said...

After watching that 6 minute long pretention-fest, I feel like destroying something beautiful.
Or at least cueing up my Fight Club VHS tape to the point where Jered Leto gets his faced pulverized.

db said...

Another bike vid.

(Sorry if it's been posted before.)

rezado said...

Maybe more people would eat the vagina if it were fried.

WTYM

rezado said...

Meka Leka Hi Meka Hiney Ho

ringcycles said...

Leto should remeber the FC script better. "Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else." Tyler. "the first rule of Fight Club, is you do NOT talk about Fight Club."

MINGUStheMECHANIC said...

Lionel richie's "all night long" began the end for breakdancing , until some blind girl makes a sculpture of Jared Leto's head, like in another richie award winning video, we still have a long ride ahead.

Thanks snob for an absolutely epic week.

All you haters suck Lionel Richie's chin

Seanywonton said...

Check out the French bike performer's "do not enter" sign on his bum.
Is that like a multinational symbol for "Do not put anything in my brownie pan?"

mikeweb said...

Odd things appearing on my building's captivate screens.

and this.

Anonymous said...

I FUCKEN LOVE YOU SNOB. LOVE LOVE LOVE.

Cabot said...

I don't know whether this all makes me want to weep sullenly in the corner, trade in the American Apparel jeans that I'm wearing for Hammer Pants or switch to bibs for leisure wear.

rural 14 said...

ant 2nd

h1 n1 in rural 14 land

very sluggish ride to the pharmacy. had to walk uphill.

this quiz the only reason to live. at least today.

thanks you.

sufferist said...

Scored 0% without even trying. Enjoy your weekend y'all.

Brian said...

The authentic Regal isn't worth $38. But how can you put a price tag on fashion?

sufferist said...

Dear 1st place winner: Pilates is spelled with an "s" at the end. If you are going to have a name that is so pretentious and all look-at-me-I-exercise as "Pontius Pilate", please learn to spell.

P.S. I will be changing my name to Abner AbCrunch. See it already sounds stupid and lame.

hillbilly said...

should we talk about fight club?

damn, rural, that sucks, hope you feel better

have a good weekend yall, ride safe.

ant1 said...

rural 14 = h1n1st!

hope you get better soon

mikeweb said...

hillbilly, in re my mayhem links - it's OK to talk about Fight Club being released on Blu-ray. mystery solved.

rural:

kick some h1n1 ass.

jolene said...

now that rikim is all into his kufi now he made me put on this burka hat thing its not that bad cus then i jes give tammy my yenger cosen it an my id and she gets me my scratchits and zima and lil debbie snack cakes and cool ranch doritos and fridays potato skins and 5 hour energy shots and dinty moore beef stoo an key lite fer ibn bin neckerson even thow he tells everone that he dont drink no more he does allah ackbar yall

streepo said...

Christ you're fast Pontius

g said...

Did the AYHSMB video come before or after this blog? And if after, how long till the RTMS video and single drop?

Anonymous said...

More pretentious than the "Total Eclipse of the Heart" video, and well worth a literal version.

My Ears Still Hurt said...

U2 they ain't, but not for lack of trying. I particularly like that the opening and closing credits (complete with outtakes no less) are just about as long as the video.

There are some interesting shots in there. Too bad you have to suffer through yet another self obsessed Production to see them.

SubComandante Sasquatch said...

Autobus!

Snobby:
"Mongolian cyclocross bike"

SubComSas:
Half-chewed epic pan-Asian wrap all over the screen.

Bravo!

CommieCanuck said...

Jared Leto.

Swashbuckling Dandy said...

Re the AYH(SMB) video. Now that was a parody, right? Not being hip (swashbuckling and dandyism predate hipness by centuries), I have a hard time telling. If it's not, then Snobby should get a piece of the action. I'll bet Flaming Bad Lawyer Lips would take it on contingency.

CommieCanuck said...

I dunno if you guys have been following the Stuart O'Grady collapse story, but apparently, after riding on the back of a motoGP bike, he got so scared shitless he fainted.

He'd better not try to ride bike through downtown Toronto.

He blames brain scarring:

""It was possibly the extreme 'hyper tension' or maybe an old scar on my brain from one of my previous crashes but there's no use speculating or guessing, it's happened and that's that."

Anonymous said...

I just watched that godawful leto video; those poor kids, someone should have warned them.
It might sound like a fun proposition to be in a music video, see yourself on tv - and you get to eat lots of cookies between takes.
The downside is that you've allowed your image to be used in such an embarrassing context, I have to wonder that they don't regret taking part.
Your dignity should be worth something, and not squandered on crap like that.

Cadel Evans said...

Dear 1st place winner: Pilates is spelled with an "s" at the end. If you are going to have a name that is so pretentious and all look-at-me-I-exercise as "Pontius Pilate", please learn to spell.

P.S. I will be changing my name to Abner AbCrunch. See it already sounds stupid and lame.

sufferist said...

Cadel: What's gotten into you?

ibn bin necker said...

jolene gets yor fatwa over to the trailer i gots dishes and beers can fer you to clean up

i gotta gets billly bob to tell me how a babe gets her nuts cut off i dont gets some of this shit at all

sometimes i gets like 80% on the quiz but today i gots a damm flat zee-rooh

im thinking its cultural incrimination

Suzee said...

...the exuberant fixed-gear freestyle ballet-esque hipster-on-a-dais "Look at me, I'm fabulous!" back wheel spinny thing...

What? Even in wet pants?

Suzee said...

Appearances, not that you need to be reminded, can be deceptive. The Mongolian X-bike illustrated belies the innate potential of the steed. Mane shaved , tail docked, hooves paired (x 2)and what we have here is a thoroughbred road racing beast.

Jaminben said...

J-Let is assured big time fame from this jawn. For fucks sakes, it takes one bad motherfucker to palp a freewheel/frontbrake combo; in fact the level of danger – oh and also the I-don’t give-a-fuck-if-I-mess-this-aerospoke-up nonplusstitude – exhibited in this video far surpasses that profiled by any custie dork running around brakeless on their, less cool than mine, track bike.
In my so-called-life when I slip on wet manhole covers and take a spill, I get up like a man and blame any and all: persons, animals, and objects in sight. These west coast cats, psssffff, they appear to be a few chromosomes short of manhood. Most likely due to their flower children parents’ pot-burrito thing-thing which froze the revolution, as well as anyone’s desire to do anything save surfing and rollerblading.
J-Let, next time, yous need to bring the band to Philly, we will show you what ride or die is all about.

chalex said...

I don't care what anyone says, the Last Mohican on the Tall Bike really was the centerpiece of that video.

OhDearLord! said...

Jaminben, I think it would be better for everyone if you didn't mention anything that has to do with biology. Just sayin'.

ken e. said...

the still from the leto video and 25 seconds of auto-tune my balls was all i could take.

but that's us on the west coast...

SHRT LINK
CRMO ZONE

documentary about sam brown running today on the cbc, the fifth estate, 9pm pacific.

Anonymous said...

Philly ride or die,

what is it all about?

-curious

Russell said...

Perhaps the most offensive (and by offensive i mean more dishonest than co-opting an already munged culture and more irresponsible than depicting someone getting hit by a car without a helmet on and then walking away without a scratch) thing about that video is the live-action recreation of Banksy artwork. That is, assuming Leto is not Banksy.

ken e. said...

bring the lame trash talk, here's my contribution, around the thirty second mark. you can't see me, i'm outside surfing doubles, might be in the frame though...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9mKBUAELq-g&feature=channel


TOFINO WINS

Anonymous said...

Anon 3:51, I am a trial lawyer. My dignity is squandered on a daily basis. After a while and a few stiff coctails, you actually get used to it.

Anonymous said...

Jaminben-

Is this Philly you speak of a suburb of NYC? Also, The Leto is not from our neck of the woods.

Sincerely,
The West Coast

Anonymous said...

I can't speak for the west coast, but I moved from this one to that one (east), and back again, and I must say

ANY COAST IS BETTRN NO COAST.

-west coast/east coast ghandi

flynn said...

thank god there is finally an ayhsmb song, I was growing impatient.

Anonymous said...

an excellent documentary film about the snob and his followers.

Anonymous said...

What are the odds that Sam Brown / Missy G film stories will get treatment transformations into the DH / FR versions of point break and fast and furious? I can imagine the dialogue now, Undercover FBI : "Sick barspin, bra"
Bodhisattva: "Why did you bring a Chrome messenger bag to a dirt jump park?"

hammerfooter said...

I really can't believe it actually took this long for an AYH(SMB) video to come out.

Uncle Bob said...

That "30 Seconds To Mars" video... I think the song sucks, but tastes differ. But how about the fact that 25% of the run-time is devoted to credits!

Anonymous said...

OMG!!!
Jared Leto/Alberto Contrador-
Separated @ birth?

Anonymous said...

"the features"

from nashville

ANYW HERE

ken e. said...

harsh drunken post...
open for the whigs (meh)

Anonymous said...

I was going to ask if the Mongolian cyclicross bike was vertically stiff but I got scared...

Pete H said...

"And now Jason Priestley has optioned Death of a Freerider, a Rolling Stone article about a mountain biker who got into the exiting world of international drug smuggling."

And they do mean "exiting."

Anonymous said...

After watching that video, I QUIT RIDING BIKE

PCLA said...

The Leto video is soo unrealistic! An epic ride from DTLA to the Santa Monica pier without a stop for burritos? WTF?

LETO CACA

Anonymous said...

where do all these freaks on bikes come from?

Anonymous said...

Did someone say Mangina?

Anonymous said...

Bike Snob,

Did you and Lance have a hand in the AYHSMB video? The hipster high lock, on top of a fence no less, the PBR, are two references, and then your buddy LA in the background? I even went to Google Maps to check the storefront at the start of the video to see if was Mellow Johnny's, but it was not. Still, I am wondering if there is an LA-BSNYC connection to the video.

Just wondering...

leroy said...

100th!!! Yes!! Podium!

Huh? What?

Oh dear.

Never mind.

Golly is my face red.

Levinson Axelrod said...

Great post. Really, who can get enough Jared Leto in 30 seconds?

sufferist said...

Ken E. will now be known as 6-fingered Willie.

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sufferist said...

You are a champ FP, a real champ....

Anonymous said...

Are the Midnight Ridazz an Allman Brothers themed cycling group?

Dolphin Hater said...

You should run a commentary on this "bike" video... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EICkZWEzFGE

Anonymous said...

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Peanut Magee said...

Was eating some chicken McNuggetz while watching this crapola. Threw them down on the ground (along with the BBQ sauce) and then had to ride over them again and again with my bike tires. I don't know what came over me. This video effed me up. I want to ride over all my food now.

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