Laissez-Fairing: Rules vs. Aerodynamics

Yesterday while awheel on the Ironic Orange Julius Bike, I stopped for a red light at a busy downtown Manhattan intersection. Despite my total lack of tweed and my overall contemporary appearance, I must have cut an approachable figure, because I was approached by a fellow cyclist on an SE Draft or Lager or Pilsner or similar.

"Will the police give me a ticket for going through a red light?," she asked.

I assured them that they could, and if they felt like it they most certainly would.

"How much is the fine?"

I explained it was in the low three figures, which she found shocking. "Have you ever gotten a ticket for this?," she wanted to know.

I assured her that I had.

At this point I detected a European accent of some kind, and it was clear from her tone that she was shocked by our city's draconian traffic laws. She next pointed to the lime green bike lane upon which we stood.

"What about here? What if I ride against traffic? Will they give me a ticket for that?"

I explained that this too might potentially result in a ticket; moreover, it would also result in irritating other cyclists such as myself, as well as possibly cause her to be hit by a car.

This she simply laughed off, as if the notion of a motor vehicle reducing her and her SE to a twisted, bloody, hi-ten wreck was totally impossible. She then exclaimed proudly, "I'm Dutch!"

Ah, yes. We American cyclists are constantly subjected to stories of the cycling paradise which is Holland, where people pedal happily to and fro on bicycles without fear of injury, and where drivers are not only required to yield to cyclists but also to exit their vehicles and supplicate themselves before them, and where the junkies wash and detail riders' bikes instead of stealing them. Nothing bad could possibly happen to a Dutch person on a bicycle--in Holland. But New York City is another story. So I explained to her that while she may be Dutch that most of the drivers around her are not, and thus she might want to refrain from bike-salmoning.

At this point she clearly dismissed me as a curmudgeonly fussbudget, which I most assuredly am. However, this does not alter the fact that the vast majority of drivers in New York City are not Dutch--especially the cab drivers. They hail from places as disparate as Queens, New Jersey, Pakistan, and Somalia, but they all share two things in common: they will not hesitate to flatten a cyclist faster than you can say "unfortunate smelting accident;" and they certainly won't stop beforehand to make sure you're not Dutch.

Of course, the truth is that I was less concerned with her safety than I was about having to dodge yet another bike salmon. After all, visitors from abroad should at least be considerate of the locals. It's not like when we go to Amsterdam we take lots of drugs, knock on the prostitutes' windows while making obscene tongue gestures, and generally act like idiots. Actually, that's completely untrue--I've seen entire American families in Amsterdam do exactly that. But it's not as bad as bike-salmoning.

Still, it's not surprising. There's a rich tradition of Europeans coming to America and telling us what to do. The Dutch used to own Manhattan after all. Then the English took over and hit us with that dastardly Stamp Act, which was closely followed by the UCI "3:1" tech rule, which they threatened to enforce at the Tour of California before ultimately yielding:



But while I'm still smarting over that Stamp Act (stamp acts were invented by the Dutch, as it happens), I must say that I'm completely in favor of UCI tech rules. These rules are very important, because they prevent bike mutation. Similarly, doping rules are also important--not because they prevent cheating or keep riders healthy, but because they ultimately prevent more extreme forms of physical manipulation, like the surgical addition of a second pair of legs. If you don't believe that UCI rules save us from rolling abominations, consider the Trek Y-Foil:


If the UCI had not banned this frame design, the Great Trek Bicycle Making Company might still be selling this bicycle today. Even so, as the website points out, two years was long enough for this hideous contraption to gain a "cult following" (yes, there are sick people out there who like these things) which is why you may have seen "street art" such as this in the darker alleys of your city:


By the way, Y-Foil cult members are a twisted sort indeed. Never mind their love of triple cranksets; urban myth also holds that they use the frame's ungodly seat-tube-less design for animal sacrifice. First, they place the offering in the void where the seat tube should be. Next, they loosen the seat post clamp. Then, in one swift motion, they effectively use the post as a stunbolt gun, killing the unfortunate beast. Finally, the offering is burned, and its effluvium is wafted towards an idol of their dark god, Trek CEO John Burke.

Here is the gilded Y-Foil of a high priest, complete with Mektronic demon horns:

(Pure, unadulterated, dork-tastic evil)

Here are a couple of cult members, their CamelBaks undoubtedly filled with blood:

If you're wondering why Trek was never punished for making the Y-Foil, it's because they didn't make the Y-Foil. Y-Foils actually occur naturally in the Wisconsin Central Plain, and were simply hunted by Trek engineers:

The above photo shows a wild Y-Foil on a grassy plain. Unfettered by portly riders with fanny packs, these beasts can move at incredible speeds, though the presence of downtube and handlebar branding indicates this particular Y-Foil may have been born in captivity. The inset shows another wild Y-Foil pausing by a pond for a drink. It's clearly a female, as her under-saddle mating pouch is red and engorged, alerting males to the fact that she is in heat.

Now that they're no longer hunted by Trek, wild Y-Foils occasionally mate with stray domesticated bikes whose owners have not neutered them. This is a growing problem, as it can result in offspring like this:


Fortunately, such bicycles are almost always sterile.

Despite the UCI ban on Y-Foil use, there is still a black market for illegally-hunted Y-Foils, as evidenced by this Craigslist ad:

Trek Y-Foil 77 Carbon-frame Triathlon Bike + accessories - $750 (Chelsea)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-02-18, 12:04PM EST

Trek Y-Foil 77: 60 cm Carbon-frame with aero bars, dura-ace components, Rolf Vector wheels. Includes on-board CO2 refills and patch/repair kit w/ 2 tubes This bike is CRAZY FAST!!! Great deal for novice to intermediate triathletes. Original price was $6000+

Also available: Pearl Izumi Tri-R2 shoes (with pedal cleats), size US12/Eur45.5...only worn twice! Pump and helmet.





Note some distinguishing marks of the Y-Foil:


So while UCI rules may seem arbitrary, just remember that they've got the best interests of all cyclists at heart. Some innovations simply should not be allowed, lest they "trickle down" to the masses. Had they not banned the Y-Foil, it might have become the norm instead of a freakish cult. After all, without rules there's anarchy. Not the "fashionable" pretend version that Rock Racing endorses, which simply involves following all the rules while displaying an anarchy sign. No, I'm talking about actual anarchy, and I don't think we're ready for that. As chafing as rules can be, without limits on wheel size, and bicycle weight, and rider position, and frame design, we might all end up looking like this:




And that can't be allowed to happen.