Gender Issues: Sealing Victory With A Kiss

As we saw yesterday, professional road racing can be blatantly sexual. However, at the same time it is often very conservative. For example, when the sloping top tube road bike made its first appearance under the Giant-sponsored ONCE team back in 1876 or whenever it was, the UCI moved to ban the design. The Great Trek Bicycle Making Company's naturally-occuring Y-Foil evoked similar ire and was successfully banned, which is why you only see them now under weird people with half-shorts and helmet mirrors. Also, even though it's 2010 and homosexuality is gaining widespread cultural acceptance, post-race podium action is strictly heterosexual--though a number of readers inform me that might change at this year's Giro d'Italia:

Like most post-college European backpacking trips, this year's Giro will begin in Amsterdam, and in the spirit of tolerance for which that city is famous at least some people would like to see a pair of "podium dudes" plant a big juicy "Mwah!" on the face of the winner. However, the television broadcaster of the event disagrees:

Personally, I'm in favor of the "podium dude" thing. Who cares what the riders want? The truth is that human sexuality is a strange and confusing grab-bag of preferences and proclivities, and podium ceremonies should evolve to reflect that. One stage it should be two women, and the next it should be two men--and it needn't stop there. How about mixed-gender podium teams? How about using people of indeterminate gender or the intersexed? Maybe once in awhile the podium people could use hot wax instead of kisses, or even ignore the winner altogether and just make out with each other. Plus, the fact that many of the race participants don't want to be kissed by men would actually mean a ratings bonanza for van der Meulen. Who wouldn't tune in to see Fabian Cancellara squirming uncomfortably as he is kissed by a pair of pantsless cowboys or a strange asexual person in a flesh-colored bodysuit à la late 1990s Marilyn Manson? Anyway, according to the guy who came up with this idea, one in ten riders is gay, so they're already being forced to get kissed by someone they don't want to get kissed by:

Really, in the spirit of fairness, I think either every rider should be kissed by podium people whose genders are chosen at random, or else every rider should submit his or her preferences to the UCI who should see to it that they get kissed accordingly:

As I pondered this important issue, it occurred to me that I had no idea whether "podium dudes" already exist in European women's racing, or if they do what they look like. Do they dress like Chippendales? Curious yet frightened of what I might find, I checked out photographs from the Giro d'Italia Femminile, and while I did see men on the podium I wasn't sure what purpose they served nor could I find definitive evidence of a "podium dude" actually kissing a racer. For example, were these guys "podium dudes?"

The guy on the left looks a little bit like he could be an Italian porno actor, but I tend to doubt that the guy on the right was chosen for his physical attributes. Here's another slightly less ambiguous picture:

Given the flirtatious champagne play and the pink Giro-colored polo shirts it's entirely possible that these guys are "podium dudes." Actually, judging from their attire it looks like the race organizers may have flown over a bunch of cabana boys from Atlantic Beach. In any case, if people aren't going to be more open-minded, it seems as though they should get just get rid of the whole kissing thing altogether and replace podium girls with an enraged Bernard Hinault:

When sex gets too controversial then just replace it with violence. Hey, it works for American TV.

In the meantime, if you're looking for fame and fortune and can't get work kissing professional bike racers in public due to your genitalway, you can always find fame on your "fixie," for a reader was kind enough to forward me the following "casting call:"

CASTING FIXED-GEAR CYCLIST FOR PSA
PAY IS $750

Paul Mitchell and Patron Spirits are putting together a PSA with Maneater Productions showcasing various charities and non-profit organizations.

We are looking for a cyclist who owns a FIXED GEAR BIKE and can ride it well. If you want to be in a PSA and show off your moves, please contact us ASAP.

Pay is $250 for the day and $750 buyout in perpetuity for the life of the PSA.

If you do not know what a fixed gear bike is:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fixed-gear_bike

TO SUBMIT:
Be sure to mention you heard about this from Jeff Gund at INFOLIST.com, and email ALL the information requested below ASAP to:
asst@dreambigcasting.net
Be sure to include:
1. Your name (first and last)
2. Contact Phone Number
3. Current photo (jpg format please)
4. If available, a video or LINK to a video showing yourself riding.
5. Be sure to mention you heard about this from Jeff Gund at INFOLIST.com!

I can only imagine what kind of PSA a hair care company, a tequila maker, and a company named "Maneater" are preparing to "drop," but it sounds like it has the makings for a great Giro d'Italia-in-Amsterdam post-stage afterparty. Also, I particularly like the fact that they are looking for someone who "owns a fixed gear bike and can ride it well," yet they still provide a link to the Wikipedia fixed-gear entry just in case. It's obvious that the casting agent knows nothing about fixed-gear "culture," especially since he's offering a "$750 buyout in perpetuity." Everybody knows that the going rate for "selling out in perpetuity" among fixed-gear riders is a pair of Velocity Chukkers and maybe a dorky t-shirt of some kind, and I think the people in that Jared Leto video did it for like half a tuna sandwich apiece. A shrewd negotiator would have started with free Paul Mitchell Tea Tree Hair and Body Moisturizer® for life and then worked his way up. Seriously, we're talking about people who are now actually using acrylic handlebars!

(These things, via another reader.)

Oh well, it's their money.

Passing the Mantle: The End of the Aughts is Nigh

I'm not a fan of arbitrary deadlines, which is why I'm not really into the whole "New Year" thing. Change is a cumulative process and it consists of subtle gradations; it's not something that happens annually at the stroke of midnight. Nonetheless, just as the bicycle industry releases new models every year, we undertake "resolutions" as though we can change ourselves in annual increments. Ultimately, whether it's a bike or ourselves, the result is the same: we wind up with a bunch of hastily-applied "improvements" of dubious value which will most likely be phased out by the time the next model year rolls around.

Still, it's human nature to create reference points and plant metaphorical staff gages in the river of time, and so as the new year approaches we find ourselves reflecting on all that has passed. For example, Team Columbia-HTC owner Bob Stapleton is looking back on the year in cycling. Not only is he saying that Lance Armstrong's return has been good for the sport, but he's also saying that Armstrong is "passing the mantle" to sprinter Mark Cavendish:

There's certainly no doubt that Armstrong "is embracing" Cavendish, as we have at least one piece of photographic evidence:

Moreover, it's fairly high up on the Non-Sexual Man-Hug Intimacy Scale (NSMHIS), as you can see from this enlarged detail:

The NSMHIS starts with the fully-clothed handshake-and-back-pat combo and goes all the way up to the nearly-naked and oiled group hug, complete with crotchal contact:

However, while Armstrong clearly embraces Cavendish, Stapleton seems to be taking some liberty here, because while plenty of respect is in evidence I don't recall Armstrong actually officially "passing the mantle" to him. Sure, Armstrong may have passed a bit of saliva and perhaps some mucus to his shoulder, but as far as I can see no "mantle" actually changed hands. Of course, just because I didn't see it or can't remember it doesn't mean it didn't actually happen--I don't remember falling asleep in a bathtub full of eggnog while wearing a Santa suit on Christmas Eve either, but that's where I woke up on Christmas Morning. So I poured myself a cup of eggnog (I managed to salvage most of it from the tub) and headed off into the wilds of the "Internet" in the hope that I could find the actual Armstrong-to-Cavendish mantle-passing ceremony to which Stapleton had alluded and in which Amstrong declared Cavendish "Me 2.0."

My first stop was VeloNews, where I found a one-on-one interiew with Armstrong's director, Johan Bruyneel:

If any mantles had been passed, Bruyneel had nothing to say about it, though VeloNews not only misidentified Bruyneel as Axel Merckx but also misspelled "Axel" as "Axle."

Since the cycling media was clearly unreliable (a mistake like that is like adultery in an elevator--wrong on a number of levels), I figured I'd go directly to the source. It turns out Lance Armstrong maintains an online account with a popular social networking site, and he uses this account to share information with others. If Armstrong had officially passed the biggest-name-in-the-sport mantle to Cavendish he would certainly have mentioned it here. However, he didn't, though I did learn that he's apparently training in Hawaii:

If you've ever wondered what sets Lance Armstrong apart from other professional cyclists, it is his seemingly bottomless capacity for suffering. This, more than anything else, is the basis for his success. While anyone else would certainly find riding a bicycle around Hawaii in December to be tedium of the highest magnitude, to Armstrong it doesn't even seem like work. In fact, he almost seems to enjoy it.

At this point I was beginning to suspect that perhaps Stapleton had made up the whole "mantle" thing, but I figured I'd check back in with Cyclingnews to see if there was any more about it. There wasn't, though it does turn out that Floyd Landis may sign with Rock Racing:

By now I had forgotten all about "Mantlegate" and was instead overwhelmed by feelings of concern for Landis. Signing with Rock Racing is an even bigger warning sign than selling all your bikes on Craigslist, which Landis also did recently. While the listings have since expired, I did have the foresight to capture images of them through judicious use of "technology." Here is the ad for Landis's road bike from the 2005 Tour de France:



And here is his time trial bike from the infamous 2006 Tour from which he was eventually disqualified for supposedly applying a testosterone patch to his perineum in a scandal that was subsequently referred to as "Grundlegate:"



As disturbing as it is to see Landis attempting to jettison bicycles with such distinguished pedigrees through channels ordinarily reserved for things like stolen SE Drafts, kittens, and solicitations for sexual encounters in elevators, it was also in a certain way a bit of a relief and a rare taste of glamor (albeit, well, tainted). After all, the Tour de France is a much more compelling and exotic backdrop than the moldy bathtubs to which the Craigslist shopper is accustomed:

Specialized Carbon S-Works Frame 58cm - $650 (Basically New)
Date: 2009-12-27, 8:31AM EST
Reply to: [deleted]

58cm Specialized Carbon S-Works Roubaix frame only, comes with S-Works carbon headset and seat post collar, no fork, basically new (used twice - looks brand new with no blemishes or scratches anywhere). Originally retailed for $2800 , now a super low $650!!! Pro-level frame. Send a contact number if your interested.

I'm not sure why the seller chose to photograph the frame in the bathroom, though I would imagine it's either because the rest of the house was even more frightening, or because he was about to slip into the tub with the frame and a few gallons of eggnog.

Speaking of luxuriating in bathtubs with your bicycle, I was reading and enjoying the issue of Rouleur that came in my holiday gift basket when I encountered the following description of an old Gios racing bicycle:

As I write this, I have one in front of me, and it is a thing of peerless equilateral beauty. The tubing is seminal Columbus SL, the welds absolutely spotless and absolutely human. The blue itself is perfection, a tactile, dreamy azure--unmistakably Italian, unquestionably America. The lowercase Gios Torino decals on the down and seat tubes, each flanked by an understated Italian tricolour, are simply immaculate, simply right. [...] The bar tape is white, and the rake and chrome of the fork is the very essence of discretion, of judicious, considered design. [...] This, in the vernacular, is to die for, a gorgeous object that happens to be a bicycle. This is a 1973 Gios professional.

It's not surprising to me that the author should describe the tubing as "seminal," and I wonder if he will be similarly eloquent in the emergency room when he's forced to explain to a doctor how his genitals became stuck in the seattube of a 1973 Gios professional. It will probably be some sort tall tale about a stolen seatpost, a misplaced pair of pants, and a long ride home, and I'm sure he will be relying on the fork's considerable discretion as he spins it. I'm also sure that, once extracted, his member will be even more purple than his prose.

Also in the same issue of Rouleur was this ad for a Brooks Barbican shoulder bag declaring it a "Space Miracle," which as far as I can tell is like a regular miracle but in outer space:

I also thought "Space Miracle" was David Bowie's follow-up to "Space Oddity," so I was surprised to see it referenced in a decidedly terrestrial bag advertisement (or "advert" if you're British or pretentious). It turns out I was wrong about the album (that follow-up was actually "The Man Who Sold the Testosterone Grundle Patch"), but I'm still pretty sure that's Moby modeling it. I just hope he doesn't try to pass his "mantle" into that frame, because it could take a space miracle to get it out again.

Laissez-Fairing: Rules vs. Aerodynamics

Yesterday while awheel on the Ironic Orange Julius Bike, I stopped for a red light at a busy downtown Manhattan intersection. Despite my total lack of tweed and my overall contemporary appearance, I must have cut an approachable figure, because I was approached by a fellow cyclist on an SE Draft or Lager or Pilsner or similar.

"Will the police give me a ticket for going through a red light?," she asked.

I assured them that they could, and if they felt like it they most certainly would.

"How much is the fine?"

I explained it was in the low three figures, which she found shocking. "Have you ever gotten a ticket for this?," she wanted to know.

I assured her that I had.

At this point I detected a European accent of some kind, and it was clear from her tone that she was shocked by our city's draconian traffic laws. She next pointed to the lime green bike lane upon which we stood.

"What about here? What if I ride against traffic? Will they give me a ticket for that?"

I explained that this too might potentially result in a ticket; moreover, it would also result in irritating other cyclists such as myself, as well as possibly cause her to be hit by a car.

This she simply laughed off, as if the notion of a motor vehicle reducing her and her SE to a twisted, bloody, hi-ten wreck was totally impossible. She then exclaimed proudly, "I'm Dutch!"

Ah, yes. We American cyclists are constantly subjected to stories of the cycling paradise which is Holland, where people pedal happily to and fro on bicycles without fear of injury, and where drivers are not only required to yield to cyclists but also to exit their vehicles and supplicate themselves before them, and where the junkies wash and detail riders' bikes instead of stealing them. Nothing bad could possibly happen to a Dutch person on a bicycle--in Holland. But New York City is another story. So I explained to her that while she may be Dutch that most of the drivers around her are not, and thus she might want to refrain from bike-salmoning.

At this point she clearly dismissed me as a curmudgeonly fussbudget, which I most assuredly am. However, this does not alter the fact that the vast majority of drivers in New York City are not Dutch--especially the cab drivers. They hail from places as disparate as Queens, New Jersey, Pakistan, and Somalia, but they all share two things in common: they will not hesitate to flatten a cyclist faster than you can say "unfortunate smelting accident;" and they certainly won't stop beforehand to make sure you're not Dutch.

Of course, the truth is that I was less concerned with her safety than I was about having to dodge yet another bike salmon. After all, visitors from abroad should at least be considerate of the locals. It's not like when we go to Amsterdam we take lots of drugs, knock on the prostitutes' windows while making obscene tongue gestures, and generally act like idiots. Actually, that's completely untrue--I've seen entire American families in Amsterdam do exactly that. But it's not as bad as bike-salmoning.

Still, it's not surprising. There's a rich tradition of Europeans coming to America and telling us what to do. The Dutch used to own Manhattan after all. Then the English took over and hit us with that dastardly Stamp Act, which was closely followed by the UCI "3:1" tech rule, which they threatened to enforce at the Tour of California before ultimately yielding:



But while I'm still smarting over that Stamp Act (stamp acts were invented by the Dutch, as it happens), I must say that I'm completely in favor of UCI tech rules. These rules are very important, because they prevent bike mutation. Similarly, doping rules are also important--not because they prevent cheating or keep riders healthy, but because they ultimately prevent more extreme forms of physical manipulation, like the surgical addition of a second pair of legs. If you don't believe that UCI rules save us from rolling abominations, consider the Trek Y-Foil:


If the UCI had not banned this frame design, the Great Trek Bicycle Making Company might still be selling this bicycle today. Even so, as the website points out, two years was long enough for this hideous contraption to gain a "cult following" (yes, there are sick people out there who like these things) which is why you may have seen "street art" such as this in the darker alleys of your city:


By the way, Y-Foil cult members are a twisted sort indeed. Never mind their love of triple cranksets; urban myth also holds that they use the frame's ungodly seat-tube-less design for animal sacrifice. First, they place the offering in the void where the seat tube should be. Next, they loosen the seat post clamp. Then, in one swift motion, they effectively use the post as a stunbolt gun, killing the unfortunate beast. Finally, the offering is burned, and its effluvium is wafted towards an idol of their dark god, Trek CEO John Burke.

Here is the gilded Y-Foil of a high priest, complete with Mektronic demon horns:

(Pure, unadulterated, dork-tastic evil)

Here are a couple of cult members, their CamelBaks undoubtedly filled with blood:

If you're wondering why Trek was never punished for making the Y-Foil, it's because they didn't make the Y-Foil. Y-Foils actually occur naturally in the Wisconsin Central Plain, and were simply hunted by Trek engineers:

The above photo shows a wild Y-Foil on a grassy plain. Unfettered by portly riders with fanny packs, these beasts can move at incredible speeds, though the presence of downtube and handlebar branding indicates this particular Y-Foil may have been born in captivity. The inset shows another wild Y-Foil pausing by a pond for a drink. It's clearly a female, as her under-saddle mating pouch is red and engorged, alerting males to the fact that she is in heat.

Now that they're no longer hunted by Trek, wild Y-Foils occasionally mate with stray domesticated bikes whose owners have not neutered them. This is a growing problem, as it can result in offspring like this:


Fortunately, such bicycles are almost always sterile.

Despite the UCI ban on Y-Foil use, there is still a black market for illegally-hunted Y-Foils, as evidenced by this Craigslist ad:

Trek Y-Foil 77 Carbon-frame Triathlon Bike + accessories - $750 (Chelsea)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-02-18, 12:04PM EST

Trek Y-Foil 77: 60 cm Carbon-frame with aero bars, dura-ace components, Rolf Vector wheels. Includes on-board CO2 refills and patch/repair kit w/ 2 tubes This bike is CRAZY FAST!!! Great deal for novice to intermediate triathletes. Original price was $6000+

Also available: Pearl Izumi Tri-R2 shoes (with pedal cleats), size US12/Eur45.5...only worn twice! Pump and helmet.





Note some distinguishing marks of the Y-Foil:


So while UCI rules may seem arbitrary, just remember that they've got the best interests of all cyclists at heart. Some innovations simply should not be allowed, lest they "trickle down" to the masses. Had they not banned the Y-Foil, it might have become the norm instead of a freakish cult. After all, without rules there's anarchy. Not the "fashionable" pretend version that Rock Racing endorses, which simply involves following all the rules while displaying an anarchy sign. No, I'm talking about actual anarchy, and I don't think we're ready for that. As chafing as rules can be, without limits on wheel size, and bicycle weight, and rider position, and frame design, we might all end up looking like this:




And that can't be allowed to happen.

From The BSNYC News Desk: Shorts, Not Briefs

As the riding and racing season shifts into the big ring there’s a lot happening in the world of cycling. And when it comes to cycling-related news, I try to stay at the front of the pack. Following are some important developments of which I think you should be aware as well, so hop on my wheel and read on.

First, in the self-aggrandizing department, I’m proud to announce that I’ve been quoted in the current issue of VeloNews:

Naturally I’m honored, but unfortunately the honor is bittersweet. (If that’s even possible for an honor.) Like many politicians and public figures, my words were taken out of context, and were shrewdly manipulated by VeloNews in order to change the meaning and cast me in a bad light. They actually left out the entire second half of the quote, which was: “Furthermore, I don’t see why people make such a big deal about pedophilia anyway. RTMS is bigger than Jesus.” Had they simply left that in, I wouldn’t have looked like such an idiot.

Moving on, also in VeloNews, I noticed Cannondale’s latest ad campaign (click here for legible text):

Basically, Specialized apparently attempted to poach Cannondale's engineers in the wake of the Dorel acquisition. So Cannondale has turned it around on them, the insinuation being that this proves even their biggest competitor recognizes Cannondale’s superiority.

Of course, the email in the ad doesn’t specify what positions Specialized was actually looking to fill. There very well may be some text that was edited out of that email which would change the implications drastically:

Positions We’re Looking to Fill

--Warehouse Sweepers
--Specialized Angels (must have own thong)
--Personal Foot Masseuse to Mike Sinyard
--Zertz Inserter
--Tom Boonen Punster
(The Tom Boonen Punster will be responsible for coming up with clever puns—or "Boon Mots," if you will—about Specialized athlete Tom Boonen for our ad campaigns. If you can come up with something as clever as “The Tominator,” you’ll be a boon to our team! Paris-Roubaix-based puns such as “Yeah, Roux-baby!” are also acceptable. “Boner”-related puns however are unacceptable, especially ones like “Bonin’ Boonen Pops Top Too Soon.” I wish people would stop emailing us that.)

Lastly, I recently noticed the following internet advertisement for the Lowe’s chain of stores:

Apart from the fact that that’s a pretty good price for carpet installation, at first glance it seems pretty unremarkable. Moreover, it has absolutely nothing to do with cycling. Or does it? Take a closer look:

I’ll be damned if that isn’t Rock Racing’s Fred “Fast Freddie” Rodriguez laying down some shag. Despite the recent news that the beleaguered Rock Racing will get to ride in the Tour of Georgia after all, the fact that Rodriguez is moonlighting as either a male model or an actual carpet installation technician does not bode well for the future of the team. In search of further clues, I visited Fast Freddie’s own website, but the only thing I learned is that he is “very excited about my new team for 2005.”

Great Moments In (Local) Cyclesport

The Tour de France is in full swing. As I’ve said before, I have no intention of commenting on the race. However, as the exploits that will become tomorrow’s legends and scandals unfold, I think it is important to remember that the roads of France are not the only backdrop for excitement. Countless dramas unfold in every local race as well. Here are just a few examples of beautiful moments of triumph and defeat taking place in our own backyard that rival anything in the Tour:

--6:00am, Prospect Park, Brooklyn. A rider on a $900 wheelset rolls up to the registration area with a $2,000 wheelset strapped to his back. We can only imagine that later today he will put on a suit to go to the grocery store and then change into a tux to do some barbecuing.

--A nine-man team wearing matching kit and riding custom-painted matching bicycles with SRMs discusses tactics as they line up to start in one of the lower category races.

--Lap three. A few riders go off the front. From the rear of the pack a rider just barely hanging on summons his last bit of breath to bravely shout, “Close that gap!” He is then dropped.

--A rider on a carbon-fiber Pinarello risks his fingers to adjust the hockey puck-sized computer sensor on his wavy Onda fork. He is apparently more concerned with closing gaps in his training data than with closing gaps in the actual race. He nearly takes out three other riders but manages not to sacrifice a digit to his bladed Zicral spokes. Reconnected to his life-giving data stream, he resumes not racing.

--On the big-ring “climb” during a lull in the action, a rider inexplicably blows up, sits up, and moves backwards diagonally, nearly taking out half the pack in a 7/10 split.

--A rider with no visible race number adjusts the volume on his iPod.

--The group laps one of the lower-category fields just as they are finishing. The matching nine-man squad has begun their leadout, jettisoning their water bottles in perfect synchronicity. However, as the two fields combine, there is some confusion as to which field should be neutralized. After the race, the protests will continue well into the afternoon. At stake for the lower category riders: pride, fulfillment of sponsorship obligations, and a tin novelty medal on a red, white, and blue nylon ribbon. At stake for the higher category riders: lunch money.

--One lap to go. All places up the road in a breakaway. A rider demands a bottle from his teammate and proceeds to shower himself like the Maillot Jaune on Alpe d’Huez. But the joke is on him. The bottle is filled with Cytomax.

--The guy on the $2,000 wheelset punctures and is out of the race.

--The marshals whose job it is to keep the park road clear have gotten impatient and gone home. A guy on a hybrid gets the scare of his life when 80 riders in lycra suddenly appear around him, screaming at him to “keep right.”

--Final lap. Five riders go down in the sprint for 19th place. $5,000 worth of carbon fiber shattered.

What Does Everybody Have Against Brakes?

Recently I was riding through a trendy neighborhood in Brooklyn when I saw a guy locking his bike to a post. Naturally I quickly scan and assess any bike that enters my field of vision. This particular bike appeared to be a garden-variety 80s fixie conversion--with no brakes, of course. However, as my eyes made their way to the rear dropouts, I noticed something: a coaster brake, attached to the left chainstay with some metal wire.

Is this what people have come to? Are some people really so desperate to adapt the no-brake fixie look that instead of installing a decent caliper they will adapt perhaps the crudest braking system since the rod-operated spoon brake? Clearly, the rider I saw acknowledges the necessity of having a brake. Why not then simply affix a light, elegant, and powerful modern dual-pivot? I'd have to think a coaster brake-equipped singlespeed would stop even worse than a fixie with no brakes.

(And can somebody please explain to me why fixie riders who do have front brakes still skip-stop or skid in order to slow down? Do they give away free tires in Williamsburg or something?)

This absurd disregard for function and practicality goes beyond the urban fashion victim as well. As a mediocre rider, I have ample opportunity during road races to analyze the equipment choices of other riders, particularly on the rear of the bicycle. As such, I can tell you that roadies, now more than ever, are using their brakes as a way to proudly announce that they have way more money than sense. Sure, roadies will always shave grams and sacrifice quality for light weight, and going for a lighter, crappy single-pivot brake like those Dia Compe/Cane Creek units has always been a quick and dirty way to do so.

But now the lightweight brakes, while still crappy, are astoundingly expensive as well. One popular brake choice lately is the Zero Gravity.

These machined pieces of crap will compromise your braking power and save you the gram equivalent of a bladder's worth of urine for over $400. Their site actually has the audacity to boldly ask you if you've "Upgraded yet?" Yes, I have. To cold-forged dual pivots that were about a fraction of the price.

Even worse is the M5. I've been seeing way more of these hideous banana clips than I should be:

These suckers go for over $500 a pair, and Excelsports says that they are powerful but warns that you should "take a pass if you are more interested in modulation." Yes, I prefer to either be moving fast or lying in a crumpled heap after I've gone flying over my bars. None of that pesky "slowing down" for me. (Oh, by the way, brake pads aren't included. That might explain the modulation issues.)

So what is it? What is so repulsive about the functional brake that people will either sacrifice their tires skid-stopping at every light or spend half a grand on aluminum billet monstrosities in order to do without them? Last time I checked, quality, high-end brakes from the usual suspects were not only lightweight and responsive, but reasonably-priced as well. I suppose that may be it--people do seem averse to those qualities when it comes to bicycle equipment.

I for one am thankful that the mountain-biking world still recognizes the need in cycling for braking systems that offer power and modulation, and that as such some companies are still trying to actually improve brakes. You see, when you ride your bike a lot you actually want brakes that work well. I think that if mountain biking were to disappear the next high-end braking system would be a rubber stopper you affix to the heel of your carbon fiber-soled shoe.