Monday, August 3, 2009

Colliding with Fate: Love is a Many Splendored Colorway

Today is Monday, which means that as the clock palped midnight last night (or this morning, depending on how you look at it) the deadline for the BSNYC/RTMS Fat Cyclist Knuckle Tattoo Tribute Contest was upon us. I'm pleased to announce that not only did I receive a surprisingly large number of excellent submissions before then, but that I've also managed to upload them to this popular online photo sharing website, so I hope you'll take the time to browse and enjoy them before I announce the winners. Just a few highlights include:


The "Schleckosaurus;"


A delightful LeMond, hops, and Hopper whimsy;


and these cleverly risqué "moose knuckle" tattoos.

As you can see, curating a contest of this magnitude is going to be no easy feat. In fact, I was so moved and entertained by these submissions that I very well may need to deepen the prize list and add a few more steps to the podium. (By the time I announce a winner it's possible that the podium may actually look more like a Devo hat, or even a game of Q*bert.) In the meantime, thanks everybody for the great submissions. I'll be announcing the winners soon. Also, if you sent in a submission and you don't see it on the entry page, be sure to let me know. (Organization is not the centerpiece of my groupo.)

Of course, if you meant to put a submission into my inbox and I never received it, it's always possible that you put it in somebody's flower box by accident instead. As you may recall, last week I posited that "Do Not Put Anything In My Flower Box" could potentially become a new rallying cry--sort of a combination"Flower Power"/"We're Not Gonna Take It" for the 21st century. Well, I recently found myself back at the very flower box on which I had noticed the slogan, and I was dismayed to find that the sign was gone and a construction crew had put things in and around the flower box anyway:

Just days ago I had been inspired by this defiant and unspoiled flower box, and now here it was covered with construction debris and surrounded by gasoline and power tools. Saddest of all though was that the original sign was gone, only to be replaced by one reading "Men Working Above." Indeed, it's at times like these when taking a stand can seem futile, and we are tempted to just surrender to the oversized crabon fiber tubing, and the beefy proprietary bottom brackets, and the deep-section rims, and the great hulking SUVs idling in the bike lane of life. However, we do have a choice. Sure, life can be cruel, but there is also more to it than "kill or be killed"--or even "kill or be humped." There's also serendipity, and sometimes the friction of struggle can create the flame of love:




i crashed into you on my bike - w4m - 28 (38th and 5th Ave)
Date: 2009-08-01, 8:53AM EDT

I was riding my bike north on 5th Ave, you were crossing the street with about 30 other people on Friday when everyone was getting off work. I was speeding through the red light, i tried to brake but I crashed into you, I said "fuck", you said "bitch" then I noticed you were hot. Get in touch.

It's inspiring to think that, in the instant after the collision, their eyes met and they experienced love at first sight. Perhaps soon after this they met for a date, though the guy may have had to ingest his meal through a straw since his jaw was probably wired shut after the crash. But then the wounds will heal, and only love will remain. Either that, or one of them will give the other an STD:

Speaking of flower boxes, I recently noticed that the New Yorker's latest caption contest is also box-related:


Once again, the best caption is glaringly obvious:

Either that, or he's getting changed in there, which he wouldn't have to do if he was properly attired for a "hipster triathlon."

In any case, even though the woman who authored the Craigslist post is clearly a very poor cyclist, it is worth noting that in some ways the bicycle can serve as sort of a particle accelerator for life. If indeed love does blossom as a result of this encounter, it could only have happened on a bike. Had the woman been on foot, she would never have gotten in the collision, and had she been in a car she would have certainly killed the guy outright. Yes, on a bicycle you move quickly enough to experience much more than you would on foot, but not so fast that you miss it all. This is even true if you ride a Trek District with a belt drive:

I was extremely pleased to spot a Trek District in the wild. As I've said before, squeaky, neglected chains are a tremendous problem in New York City. This is because novice cyclists tend to be afraid of their drivetrains, and as such they usually avoid contact with them altogether, like young children eating around their vegetables. Sure, I could do without the orange rims, but if that's what it takes to get potential cyclists to open their flower boxes to a bicycle that won't irritate me with its noisy chain then so be it. And if bicycles grow quieter, then it will be that much easier for all of us to continue experiencing the world around us without distraction, and to notice things like Tom Boonen's Chevy Tahoe:

At least, I'm pretty sure it's Boonen's:


Though I suppose it could also belong to Laurent Fignon.

Really though, the best way to notice things is to both ride a quiet bicycle and to stop at red lights. Sure, you're a little less likely to have a collision with a potential mate, but it a city like New York intersections are a great source of entertainment, especially in the summer. In the few moments it takes for a light to change from red to green you're treated to a dazzling procession of humanity, and it's a lot more entertaining to watch people than it is to hit them. Also, you get to keep up with the latest styles, like this t-shirt in the "Devil Wears Prada" colourway:

I find it interesting that streetwear enthusiasts are now opening their flower boxes to "chick lit"-themed clothing, especially chick-lit that was subsequently made into a Meryl Streep movie. Personally, I'm looking forward to fall, when the new "Julie & Julia" hoodie drops. Sure, the long sleeves will hide your spiderweb tattoo, but when you're rocking "Julie & Julia" gear you don't need to show your ink to look tough.

Speaking of mischievous Prada-palpers, designer eyewear enthusiast Tyler Hamilton is apparently preparing to "drop" a new coaching business:

I was sincerely saddened to learn of Hamilton's struggle with depression--a struggle which ultimately cost him his riding career. Hopefully, Hamilton has given himself ample time for recovery, and is not leaping into a new venture too soon. Otherwise, your Tyler Hamilton coaching session might literally end in tears. Sure, it might start out positively enough, but by the end you and your depressed coach could find yourself curled up together on the sofa in front of the TV, eating pints of Ben & Jerry's and crying while watching "Postcards from the Edge."

So you might want to think before you hire Hamilton to be your coach, or really before you hire anyone at all. It only takes one person to ride a bike (unless it's a tandem, of course). Cycling's more than just coach or be coached.

114 comments:

L.A. Food Urchin said...

1st

Anonymous said...

podium?

RMM said...

Seriously, 2nd?

Anonymous said...

AYPHSMB

RMM said...

maybe not, just an Armstrong

red neckerson said...

f u cn rd ths u cn gt a blw jb

Surly Bastard said...

Top tenalicious.

Eric said...

Excellent

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Mark said...

Top Ten!

streepo said...

I used to have a Devo hat.

ant1 said...

Hey snob, nice article in outside. Hope that keychain has worked out for you.

belmont sledgehammer said...

lucky #13? Again?

Russ said...

*waits for inevitable Q*Bert-themed fixed gear to appear on FGG*

Anonymous said...

Snob,
Not that it matters, but the kid's "Devil Wears Prada" shirt is for the band, not the movie. Just saying.

Astroluc said...

top 20...

Andrew said...

top 20 again! yeah!

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 1:32pm,

Thanks! Is there also a band named after "Out of Africa?"

--BSNYC

lazy guy said...

can someone google up the snob+outside collabo pls

Astroluc said...

that belt-drive is just peculiar!

For the record... my 30+ year old road-bike that I use for commuting is thoroughly lubed and rather quiet as a result; I find squeaky/grinding/rusty/and otherwise noisy parts both vexing and irksome.

Podium fodder.

Anonymous said...

"The Devil Wears Prada is an American metalcore band"

what is "not a sentence i expected to read today?", alex.

brad said...

Snob,

http://www.myspace.com/freshoutofafrica

Surly Bastard said...

I think Tyler would be the perfect coach for me. We could just sit around moping and popping anti-depressants over my poor race results and the miserable wattage output on the expensive power-tap thingie. Then again I'm pretty good at feeling sorry for myself without any professional help. Thanks Bike Snob. You've saved me untold thousands of dollars once again!

Anonymous said...

riding north up 5th ave... i guess bike salmoning is the true way to find love.

tominator said...

For those who don't live in NYC, it's probably worthwhile to point out that 5th avenue runs one-way south, so the missed connections girl was salmoning, in addition to running red lights. I'm sure she blindsided the guy

BikeSnobNYC said...

Brad,

Amazing. I now also see there's a band called "Kramer vs. Kramer." Is there a Meryl Streep film title that has not been recycled as a band name?

--RTMS

Anonymous said...

a paradox: can one technically run a red light while salmoning?

also, i really enjoy the cleverly risqué tatti.

Anonymous said...

http://www.silkwoodband.com/

Anonymous said...

http://www.ironweedbluegrassband.com/

rezado said...

gd blw jb

Anonymous said...

Re the New Yorker cartoon caption. Some other obvious ones:

"Helena, you've got to try this!"

On a lighter note...

"The travel agent did say that the men at this beach have nice packages."

Anonymous said...

someone should point out that "the devil wears prada" is a CHRISTIAN American Metalcore Band.

BSNYC/RTMS please remark on Christian metalcore in a subsequent post

ant1 said...

snob,

the susanist entry was supposed to be susan1st (which seems to be how fatty prioritizes), but the knuck tat app I was using didn't understand numbers, so i used the roman numeral. Either way, I hope it earns me the smock.

kale said...

"Phew! Every time we go to the beach, your box ends up smelling like fish."

hillbilly said...

I can't believe I didn't think of the obvious caption, what the hell is wrong with me??!!

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 1:54pm,

Thanks--it just gets stranger and stranger.

Nothing goes together better than chick-lit, Christianity, and metal.

--BSNYC

Astroluc said...

To use the old “Mr. Boffo” idea:
People Unclear on the Concept-But I thought you said you WANTED me in your box?!

Anonymous said...

im pretty sure one of those guys from the devil wears prada is dating miley cyrus

wishiwasmerckx said...

Astroluc, "thoroughly lubed and rather quiet" is exactly what I look for in a girlfriend. I never thought to look for this in a bike as well. Thanks for the suggestion.

Anonymous said...

Most males prefer lit chicks to chick lit.
I'm jus' sayin'.....

Astroluc said...

glad to help, wishiwasmerckx ;)

red neckerson said...

now that i done red the post im seeing more cameltoe than the sheek of araby

Anonymous said...

Personally, I prefer to lick chicks over chick lit.

streepo said...

Sophie's Choice

www.youtube.com/watch?v=pllL2lZfrS0

Anonymous said...

So is working two Stanley Tucci films into one post and oblique hat tip to Fatty?

(BTW, a podium shaped like a Devo hat would be apt, considering how much they mean to El Jefe. Just sayin'.)

jolene said...

im hella lit as they sey in californey and

i cn rd ts
8===D ~~(.)(.)

Anonymous said...

I feel bad for Tyler, too. Anybody want to chip in and buy him another golden retriever?

Anonymous said...

Umm...

Isn't Training with Tyler, similar to Investing with Bernie?

Anonymous said...

Ouch! That Golden Retriever comment
was low. Tyler was an amazing rider who caught some bad breaks in his career as a pro. We could have just as easily seen him in yellow, and Lance "Teflon" Armstrong struggling to clear his name.

ant1 said...

getting caught doping is not catching a bad break, it's catching a cheater.

Luck E. Seven said...

Lots of Meryl in today's post. Was Mrs. Snob running the Tivo this past weekend?

HEVY MRYL

All the submissions look awesome! For professional reasons, I am unable to submit...

NOTT ELIN



.-

Anonymous said...

This was one of the moments, Snob, that your photographic eye slays.

It is sad, though true, that 'Men Working Above' sometimes results in rather dissatisfying, even disgusting, things in the Flower Box.

On a side note, BJ Shea went on record today, that "it's understandable" for gals to be slutty.

..but, then, it's important to note he's also a big douche.

Anonymous said...

My vote is for the scary trike child, that one rocks...

Anonymous said...

these package tours suck

I meant think outside the box for this years vacation, not take the box outside

this spf 10,000 is overkill

kale said...

"Maybe I wanted everyone to stare at my package for a change!"

bikesgonewild said...

...just sayin' there are some pretty amazing entries in the "fat cyclist knuck-tat fest"...

...it's an internet/love collabo & it's all for susan & eldon...

...just wish i hadda clue how do computer stuff art thingys & i'd be there...

...WIN SUSAN...

sufferist said...

Hey that sounds like a perfectly lovely evening with Tyler. I may have to "murder" me some training.

kale said...

I hope Lance's nonplussed glare returns, I don't know if I can take the Jets tickets, gay cruises, or toddler diaper ads much longer.

Rich W said...

Tyler just needed to have a happier person's blood in him...it had nothing to do with cycling.

RIP Tugboat...

btw...pigsknuckle is mine.

hillbilly said...

oh, dear god:

"Rapha Racing New York City is a group of like-minded cyclists, all drawn by the same desire to ride the legs off our friends, then laugh about it over coffee and bagels or a couple beers before going back to our families. Rapha Racing is for those of us who force a cycling lifestyle upon a city that would rather say otherwise. Rapha Racing is the triumph of our cycling addiction over our urban realities."

Salty Seattle said...

Hillbilly-

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

I thought my cycling addiction was my urban reality?

db said...

Nothing goes together better than chick-lit, Christianity, and metal.

Even better than Cliffs Notes, Christianity, and metal?

hillbilly said...

well put, salty. at first that bit of pompous crap made me want to upgrade and beat them, but then after wretching violently after rereading it, I don't care about beating them and am leaning more toward the ol stick (or pump for purists) through the wheel routine.

Fred said...

It occurred to me this weekend that with one small UCI rule change, we could see Lance and Levi ride to a Tour victory aboard their new Radio Shack Tandyium.

Or maybe Jens and Lance, since Jens already has experience.

Fierce Panties said...

L.E.S.

Nice nucks!

Anonymous said...

Did anyone else see the marriage proposal at Chicago's Critical Mass ride on Friday? It didn't appear to involve fixies, but the additional pictures in the print version verified that the riders involved were tattooed and had appropriately vintage whips.

www.chicagotribune.com/features/chi-talk-bikeproposal,0,5663939.story

Fierce Panties said...

Keeping with the Meryl Streep thread



THEH OURS

Fierce Panties said...

Anon558

I thought that whip by definition is a fixed gear. What else falls under the whip column?

Anonymous said...

Tyler Hamilton coaching?

"Here kid, take some of this, you'll be faster, trust me. That'll be $1500 for the coaching, and $300 for the...uh...vitamins."

Fierce Panties said...

I agree that one can not run the light while salmoning up a one way.
Salmons have the right of way under all circumstances, at least that's how they rub.

I like her comment, when all of the people are getting off of work. She is an observer of Homo sapien herding behavior and can't understand why one of these strange mammals didn't manage to get out from under her wheel like the way pigeons do.

Fierce Panties said...

I relate to Hamilton. I take all kinds of substances (I've tried every flavor of Ben & Jerry's) to alleviate depression, and riding a bike sure doesn't help. What's more depressing that riding a bike? Cycling just makes it worse. I love my Ben & Jerry, that's what I named my muffin top. The left side is Ben and the right side is Jerry, but it's like cycling, some days I hate 'em other days I love 'em.

Fierce Panties said...

PHAT RUBN

Anonymous said...

No cookies here ? Yeah, what a place ..

Cookiemonster

Anonymous said...

do not be alarmed madam, Obama shipped us from Guantanamo in these unmarked boxes

Anonymous said...

last

Anonymous said...

Damn, FP.. I gotta go undercover again.

A woman should always love what's between her legs. If you don't, get a new one.

Now, contemplate the Bike Stable..

tyler fan said...

anyone who takes pot shots at tyler doesn't know their head from their ass. he could flat out ride circles arround any of you clowns with one leg tied behind his back. drugs didn't make tyler a great champion, drugs were more like a prerequisite for the job. anyone that knows squat about bike racing knows almost every rider in the peleton was on drugs.

Greg said...

And to round off the drug/cycling collabo Chad Gerlach's intervention follow-up is on!

Anonymous said...

tyler fan: Then tyler is just a dumb fucking moron for getting busted and deserves what he got.

Tyler's a douche...I mean Douche.

Lomborun said...

As someone else who has an eye for the craigslist missed connections page, i figured i'd turn you on to this "radio bike"

http://minneapolis.craigslist.org/mis/1291695884.html

cyclotourist said...

Anorexic Camel Toe for the WIN!!!

Jolan said...

Is there really a band called Kramer vs Kramer?

I was in a three piece (drums, two bass players) band called SWORDS for a while, both of us played Kramer metal neck basses...

We had Kramer vs Kramer on our myspace.

Is it one and the same?

www.myspace.com/swordsfuckyeah

hmmmm....

Fierce Panties said...

Anon837
That is so hetero.

I mean really, I Am the Panties so don't tell me how to live, man. There are 10 fucking million yellow bracelets out there doing that job for you.

But can I still get myself the new bike?

Jeff Olsen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Merle Steep said...

I assume that the sales of "Tyler Is Innocent" baby grows are falling off and he's looking for some other source of funds.

fusion said...

Thanks for post. It’s really imformative stuff.
I really like to read.Hope to learn a lot and have a nice experience here! my best regards guys!
_____________
manishfusion

seo jaipur--seo jaipur

ant1 said...

tylerfan - really? anybody who gets on this site and assumes that he's the only asshole here who knows squat about bike racing is a real fucking douchebag, in my humble opinion. Tyler might have been a "great champion", but he was a weak ass human being. The twin shit? please, how dumb does he think people are. Believe? How many fans and kids did he mislead and manage to extort money from? I think being a decent human being is a prerequisite for being a great champion. That and following the rules of competition. Both of which tyler sucks at.

mikeweb said...

Yeah, what he said!

mikeweb said...

BTW, in that Chicago CM ride video footage, did anyone notice anything? No, not the "proposal"...

A total absence of about 40-50 cops, half of them riding cop scooters, ready to bust anybody for so much as spitting their chewing gum onto the street.

NYPD really needs to get their heads out of their asses as far as how they handle the NYC CM rides...

Luck E. Seven said...

I mean really, I Am the Panties so don't tell me how to live, man.

FKNB RLNT



.-

tyler fan said...

antlick, you'd be easier to take seriously if you didn't fall off on every climb and make little girly sounds and maybe you could pull through just once instead of sitting at the back and whining like a bitch. oh well, best stick to what you know, dogging a man when he's down and talking shit.

DNF said...

tyler hamilton with a leg tied behind his back would be fun to watch Are there really tyler hamilton fan's? do even they have a limit? the vestigial twin was great for entertainment value but rock racing?

Anonymous said...

I would have to agree with Tyler Fan. Let's assume he drugged with the rest of the peleton.We all know he paid, more than most other's who were caught. He still finished second in the Giro with a broken collarbone, and helped put Lance on the podium of the TDF, riding with an injured shoulder. A very tough and accomplished rider.
Hey Ant1, have you ever done ANY bicycle racing, or do you just like to comment from the couch?

ant1 said...

tylerfans - I just like to comment from the couch. As you surely know, I've never done ANY bike racing. Shit, I've never even seen a bicycle in real life. But even when i'm riding the couch I get dropped on climbs, and whine about it like a bitch.

My one redeeming quality, though, is that when someone counters one of my arguments with logic I don’t try and salvage what little self esteem I have left by pulling insults out of thin air and hurling them towards a complete stranger on the other side of teh internets, claiming he’s the one who doesn’t know what he’s talking about (see the irony there?).

I'm glad tyler still is able to find morons to believe. A lie without a sap to believe it isn't much of a lie.

Carlos said...

What do colored lights have to do with crossing the street in NYC? When there are no cars coming, you cross the street, dummy.

DNF said...

i love tough guy bikie comments about not closing gaps or getting dropped on climbs. why go to nyvelocity when you can bring it here? i hope this leads to a discussion of whos team rules the park or who does'nt know shit about how to ride in a group or who is a 'poseur' (poser?)
love cycling, hate cyclists

kale said...

tylerfan,

Let me tell you something, sir or madam!

ant1 is the Pennyfarthing land-speed-record holder, and could whip you on the path any-day atop his trusty machination. You would be left to merrily pedal your safety-bicycle amongst the horse leavings and wanton cries of the street urchins.

Good Day!

Anonymous said...

FP-

Love ya babe. Peace.

Keep on, keepin' on...

Anonymous said...

That's why he is Ant1st!

cyclotourist said...

Oh, burn by Ant1!!!!

Anonymous said...

Hamilton coaching would be great. I always wanted to learn the correct way to dope. I heard he knows his stuff.

nick said...

Just lessen to their music,

http://www.myspace.com/tdwp

im sure its not your cup of tea, but really give the guy a break

Anonymous said...

STD Liquors?!?!? Yet another hint that we live in the same neighborhood. I'm on to you Snob.

Tim said...

Wow. They did not get their name from the movie.

The name is driven from being an anti-materialist.

PLEASE, get your facts straight before bashing.


By the way, cycling is fucking gay. Do a real sport.

cyclotourist said...

Yeah, serious Tim, you tell 'em!!!
Here's Tim and my sport: We're the one's without the 'stache. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SeMJOPlK-0E It's great when you can compete with your best friends!

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Anonymous said...

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Generic Erection said...

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