Tuesday, August 4, 2009

This Just In: Plugs and Deliberations

As many of you know, in addition to writing both this blog and the "Spatula Snob" blog, I also write a column for Bicycling magazine. However, before that column was just a glint in the eye of the shark I'm perpetually striving to jump, I wrote an article for Outside magazine about my participation in the 2008 Single Speed World Championship. So I'm pleased to announce that, nearly a year later, it has finally appeared in the August issue which officially "drops" today like a bunch of subscription forms from a copy of Cosmo. Not only that, but it includes pictures (taken by a real photographer) and is multiple pages in length. Here's how Outside describes the article:


Obviously, I'm hardly the world's greatest and funniest cycling blogger, but keep in mind that in this same issue Cincinnati, Ohio also scores a top 10 in the "America's Best Cities" story, so clearly use of the Wednesday weed is abundant in Outside's fact-checking department. By the way, if you're unfamiliar with Outside magazine, it focuses on stuff you can do outside, and is published by the same media conglomerate as Inside magazine, which is America's most popular magazine for shut-ins. (This month's cover story: "Terry Cloth Bathrobe Shootout!") If you'd like to read my article (it's good bathroom length), you'll need to get your hands on a copy of the actual magazine*, which looks like this:

*Well, it turns out you can read it "online" too! The 1990s is a truly amazing time to be alive.

They don't mention the article on the cover though because it probably wasn't rugged enough, unlike Aaron Eckhart's craggy face. Here's a close-up of his chin:

And here's an even tighter close-up of his chin cleft, magnified 1,000 times:

While I'm reasonably proud of my article, I must admit it isn't nearly as exciting as the cover story by John Krakauer: "Into Cleft Chin: A Personal Account of the Expedition into the Recesses of Aaron Eckhart's Face." (Spoiler: they make it out alive, but barely.) Yes, despite being incredibly dangerous, determined outdoorspeople continue to explore Eckhart's deep and forbidding dimples. Some of them never return. Actually, there's even a rumor that the 2010 SSWC is going to be held in his left laugh line.

Speaking of intense yet absurd competitions, it's nearly time for me to wrap up the BSNYC/RTMS Fat Cyclist Knuckle Tattoo Tribute Contest and announce the podium. As I mentioned yesterday, I was both moved and entertained by all the great submissions I received--so much so that it's extremely difficult for me to pick a winner. Really, if I could I'd award every single entrant, but unfortunately ITTET I just don't have the resources. So, in order to make my job at least a little bit easier, I've deepened the prize list:


First place is still the Rapha/Lion of Flanders shirt, second place still is the Knog Beetle lights, and third place is still the BSNYC/RTMS Lounging Smock. In addition, there is now a fourth place, which earns you a Rapha/Fignon shirt, a fifth place, which also nets you a BSNYC/RTMS Lounging Smock, and a sixth place, which means you'll receive a BSNYC/RTMS Sticker Fun-Pak:

Not only that, but the Special Super Deluxe Über Grand Prize (courtesy of Chris King) is of course also still on offer. This is comprised of a pink "Pretty and Strong" bottom bracket:





As well as a "Pretty and Strong" t-shirt:
In all, that's a seven-step podium, which is almost 60% of the way to sobriety.

At any rate, after looking at the submissions, I finally forced myself to choose seven finalists. Please note that this was extremely difficult, and that while all of these are excellent there were many that were equally excellent and in the end my selection process involved random selection as much as anything else. So here they are:




























Of course, even as I type this, I regret excluding brilliant submissions like this one, this one, and this one. Still, in in the end had to overcome my indecision and make a selection, and in any contest there has to be both the fingerbanger and the fingerbanged. However, while I was able to choose the podium, I was unable to choose the finishing order, which is why I'm putting that to a vote:


Simply vote your preference, and come tomorrow I will award the prizes according to the number of votes for each submission, thus absolving myself of any further responsibility. Also, do keep in mind that even if you don't win, Fat Cyclist has just announced a new contest himself, so there's always that. Furthermore, I may just award a consolation prize.

Once again, thanks for all the submissions, as well as for your patience as I plugged myself.

--BSNYC/RTMS


126 comments:

Anonymous said...

Woot Who

Anonymous said...

Hi Rev

Anonymous said...

123 Could it be

BadBeard said...

Oh, bugger1st!

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah!

Anonymous said...

zing!

Anonymous said...

ping me a message

Trevor said...

Rouge Wave!

Astroluc said...

top 10

Astroluc said...

I regret to inform the committee that my submission was "lost in the mail" and cannot be considered for this particular event; but to reflect the thoughts and intents of the ubiquitous Mr. Armstrong... "there's always next year"

;)

rezado said...

Noooooooooo

JClev19 said...

Mr. Snob,

Do you think there was a knuckle tat wedding ring involved in this debacle?

Aaron Eckhart's Cleft said...

Hey, watch it!!

Anonymous said...

You were nothing but an obstacle in my pathway.
tripping me with my own trust without your hood of falsification.
your beuty is found to be nothing.
nothing but true revulsion.
and that's the only true thing about you.
this melody of my heart points to the composer of my regret.
look north, the sun is still gleaming.
and the moon and the stars still retain these eyes.
you're falling now as i move forward.
fueled by the hope you couldn't take from me.
and scarred by knowedge of painful winters.
Christ still stands perfect in my mind.
Christ still stands perfect in my heart.
Jesus is the beutiful structure of love.
repent me.
to hope and love.
beware nihilists.
you shall fall by the sword.
[oh God]
bringeth the day of judgement

hillbilly said...

that Orbea ain't half bad, for free, but I'd feel like a tool getting dropped at Floyd Bennett with that ride...which, come to think of it is the same way I feel now on my non-10,000 dollar bike, so I guess I might as well enter.

samh said...

Good stuff, Maynard.

Anonymous said...

fuckin metal!

Surly Bastard said...

"Obviously, I'm hardly the world's greatest and funniest cycling blogger ..."

If you're not, who the hell is?

Strayhorn said...

JClev19 said
Do you think there was a knuckle tat wedding ring involved in this debacle?


Wow. It's articles and photos like that which keep me hiding in my Unibomber-like shack.

Sweet merciful blood-stained gods, let's hope they don't reproduce.

Anonymous said...

Tom - you should work more...

Anonymous said...

Chad - 20 Nice

When you get your training right, you may get a podium too !

libertyonbikes! said...

KNUCKLE PANTS!

then MOOSE KNUCKLES.

knuckle pants is genius.

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Anonymous said...

oh crap I just read that article... I (bike)commute in/out of Boston everyday; I'm glad I missed it! :D

Ahh Alston; the mini-Williamsburg of Boston ... and JP... the ... uhh... well.. JP of JP.

belmont sledgehammer said...

So this is actually a comment in reference to yesterday's post. That Dee Snyder -- man, that dude's a real freakin' weirdo, huh? I'd have mentioned it yesterday, but wasn't aware I'd have his clown-like face and images from the video haunting my dreams after watching that video and am hoping to make peace with it here.

As for today, my vote for the carrot-tat seems decidedly unpopular. Figures -- I voted for that bum Rapha Nader too.

mikeweb said...

packphil

hillbilly said...

JP licks was one of the only things that made life in Boston even slightly tolerable.

mikeweb said...

Those subscription cards in magazines are called "blow ins".

As opposed to "blow outs", which is sumfink else all together.

ant1 said...

I should have do more thinking "out of the box". Not a single finalist was the basic XXXX XXXX format, which all of my submissions were in. I'll just have to make my own BSNYC lounging smock.

LOUNGING SMOCK

libertyonbikes! said...

"If I want to pretend I'm riding the Giro with a bunch of strangers, I'll just do the local charity ride and then binge at the Olive Garden." classic!

what's up with p.25?
is Mackenzie Ryan your alter ego?
or is it the alias of the Fat Cyclist winner?

Astroluc said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
streepo said...

No thinking is done inside the box.

The said...

MOOS NUCK

wishiwasmerckx said...

Surly Bastard, it is widely recognized that Opinionated Cyclist is the world's greatest and funniest cycling blogger. Anon 2:11 came in second, and Robert Mackey was a distant third. BikesnobNYC did not even make the podium.

mikeweb said...

Larry King. Had to do it.

Just seeing that addled, convicted felon's mug makes me chuckle every time.

Funny, I had a free 1 year subscription to Outside, but it ran out last winter. I still get Inside though. The piece on belly lint sculptures this month was truly epic.

flynn said...

speaking of shark jumping, whats up with the adsense, snob? adsense banners are the pie plates of blogs.

Luck E. Seven said...

NIHI LIST

Whining from the couch and drinking grape soda, which also makes me a

NEHI LIST

Bring on the Wednesday confections...



.-

mikeweb said...

On a side note, I had the rare reason to take the Billy-burg bridge Brklyn bound at about 4:30 yesterday.

I encountered hardly any other cyclists, and not a single hipster-fixie. What gives? Did i miss the fixie apocalypse all together? Is 4:30 p.m. the time when they're all already ensconced somewhere, half covered asses on barstools with a PBR in one hand and an iPhone in the other?

The ride wasn't totally uneventful. It did feel like a game of Spy Hunter with all the bladers and baby carriages I needed to avoid...

belmont sledgehammer said...

Hey -- speaking of funny blogs, what ever happened to that guy snob linked us to a while back, "the truth hurts" or something like that? The guy wrote at about a 6th grade level and thought he was edgy and cool because he called people "faggots" in his review of some tires he was running on his fixed gear. And he had an especially funny comments thread where he argued with everyone, and there were a couple proposed fist fights, as I recall.

Anyone else remember that guy? I was really hoping snob would link us over there periodically, the way he does Prolly, etc...

ant1 said...

I started getting outside for no reason (that I'm aware of). It's been going on for years. Can't complain though; in one issue they name ATL the 3rd best outdoor city and had a mtn bike article my our beloved snobster. I may have to start subscribing if they ever cut me off.

Atl3rd!

ant1 said...

Hammer,

I wish I remembered. That guy was entertaining.

hillbilly said...

mikeweb, I think it's just that skinny jeans react adversely to heat.

I had the rare reason to take Q-boro bridge yesterday, Lone Wolf sightings at the wazoo.

Anonymous said...

ant1st,
you are angry today! Probably it is the sting from not getting that smock, which is entirely understandable. My main concern about you is the high number of typos. Are you using a phone... are you a commuter train operator?

John said...

Snobby -

I was torn on the artistic merit for both the Big Wheel Freakout and Flowerbox...but your poll asked for my favorite.

The Moosenuckles is unquestionably my fav and will provide hours of viewing pleasure. If the letters were truly on the knuckles, that would assure the win...but I understand how 'ticklish' that could be.

Surly Bastard said...

wishiwasmerckx ...

You know I completely forgot about OC. They haven't caught him yet?

RICHARD irvine said...

Don't like the carrots

Ty Nelson said...

moose knuckles!

Peter said...

I wonder if it be considered amiss if I point out that you can actually read the story online.

http://outside.away.com/outside/culture/200908/single-speed-world-championships-1.html

Anonymous said...

I'm going to get a color tattoo of my favorite tattoo entry.

the M.K. ladies of course.

ant1 said...

anon 1:58

I’m on a regular keyboard, so I have no excuse. As far as the being angry, I apologize if I come off that way. Then again, I may be. I can’t get a hold of tambourine man; it seems Wednesday will never come. That and in my wonderful world of accounting, it’s month close time, so I have tons of work just piling up (yeah, I know, if I spend less time on here and more doing the work…). Oh, and I just got back from two weeks of vacation in france, so I need a little time to readjust to this miserable life. And it’s been raining every fucking day down here, so I haven’t been able to ride as much as I’d like. So, yeah, I guess I may be less than pleasant today. Fuck me.

Randoboy said...

Big Wheel Freakout rocks.

curmudgeon said...

I'm slightly disappointed that everyone goes with the half naked ladies.

I hear ya ant1!

mikeweb said...

hillbilly, I would've taken the Q-boro (I had to get to Sunnyside), but had to go to Chinatown 1st.

I have to say my favorite part of that particular bike crossing, is the opening in the barrier about halfway across. So if you're inclined to go ride with the cars, you can go right on ahead.

Anonymous said...

ant1st,

all good reasons. Just the two weeks in France will do it, more so if you had to pull out of le Tour. I made Monday my Wed...

as for those that don't like the fine torsos- what can I say, I voted for them again, and again, and again.

Daddo said...

mmmmm.....

moose knuckles

hillbilly said...

I know, I LOVE that!!

Anonymous said...

mmm..ticklish..

mildstallion said...

Is plugging yourself tantamount to Fofonov?

bikesgonewild said...

...being a scofflaw by nature, i tried to vote twice...i even tried to vote twice, TWICE !!!...but no way, ixnay, nada...

...this bsnyc/rtms guy has put the vote in the hands of the big time, on-line, real world pollsters...can't mess w/ success...

...they just e-mailed me w/ the warning "try it thrice, ya rat bastard & we come to yer house & mess up yer "ellipti" key"...

ant1 said...

I must admit I tried voting multiple times myself and was denied. I just felt bad for the entires receiving very little votes, but my charity was unallowed.

1VOTE ONLY!

mikeweb said...

bgw, don't let'em mess with your ... key without a fight!

Snob, great SSWC article! Reminds a little of another article about the Mint 500 motorcycle race that I hear got turned into a novel-ish kinda thing...

ant1 said...

almost a thousand votes already! i did not know knuck tats contests were that popular.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Peter,

Thanks--hadn't realized that. I've added the link.

--BSNYC

hillbilly said...

yeah, snob, really great article, hope you still have the bottle opener.

Anonymous said...

The one with the schleck brothers yesterday is the best.

bikesgonewild said...

...mikeweb..."leroy" who hasn't been posting here but occasionally as of late, fashioned it for me several years ago...

...when the great unwashed wish to utilize an "ellipsis", they must compress the "period" key thrice, thusly creating a random series of dots which are accepted as an "ellipsis"...

...but w/ leroy's creation, i simply hit the worlds one & only "ellipti" key & BAM, there it is before yer eyes...one perfectly formed & crafted ellipsis (...) each & every time...

...beyond the beauty of exclusivity, the time saving alone are astronomical...

Anonymous said...

Greg Henderson, ProTour rider and world champion is voting for "meat"

http://twitter.com/Greghenderson1/status/3128855621

OAKsteader said...

I fondly remember a time when knuckle tattoo contests were based on the application of some kind of art to knuckles on the human hand. Now, apparently, all kinds of curatorial excess is tolerated, nay, rewarded. I mean, Moose Knuckles? The tats aren't even on the knuckles. Where is The Honorable John Fahey, A.C., when you need him?

JClev19 said...

And that, I think, was the handle—that sense of inevitable victory over the forces of Fixed and Free. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn’t need that. Our energy would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting — on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the saddle of a high and beautiful P-Far. . . .
So now, less than five years later, you can go up on the Williamsburg Bridge and look East, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost see the high-water mark — that place where the wave finally broke and rolled back and forth in a ridiculous trackstand

mikeweb said...

Snob, great SSWC article! Reminds a little of another article about the Mint 500 motorcycle race that I hear got turned into a novel-ish kinda thing...

Luck E. Seven said...

SAND WICH

Get it?

Yeah snob, the SSWC write-up was Gonzo. BTW, there's a young girl in the lobby with a bunch of Barbara Streisand paintings who says she knows you...



.-

g-rock said...

Not "the world's greatest and funniest cycling blogger"? I can't believe I've wasted all this time.

mikeweb said...

JClev,

Well done, sir!

RIP HST

hillbilly said...

the only way i would have voted for 'moose knuckles' is if they had made it look like "clit" with a very small s thrown in. i'm just that juvenile.

Elliott said...

Real U-Lock justice?
http://www.chicagobreakingnews.com/2009/08/lincoln-park-mugging-victim-bike-lock-was-saving-grace.html

hillbilly said...

I think I'm getting the fear

BikeBreath said...

I'm the proud creator of one of the other finalists, but have to say that knuckle pants is pretty damn good.

bikesgonewild said...

...good read, re: sswc's in "outside mag"...

..."but I'm hemorrhaging strength....it may not be poetic but it IS fucking eloquently descriptive...

...props, but godammit, don't call it "frisco"...

Mike said...

The hand model for the "knuckle pants" is breathtaking. Reminiscent of Costanza in the Puffy Shirt episode.

cherepuga said...

Snob, i guess you didn't get enough at the SSWC08. I see you on the SSWC09 start list... excellent. I will look forward to your race report- hopefully it will come out a bit sooner this time.

Anonymous said...

Props to the Podium 7!

Genius, all o' ya's.

I hear the pink thing is great ride.

Anonymous said...

Markos Moulitsas, founder of Daily Kos is a fan of "MEAT"

http://twitter.com/markosm/status/3128131862

Anonymous said...

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/lance_armstrong_inspires_thousands

The Talking Acorn said...

Super-relax dudes and dudettes...

BikeLemming said...

Bummer, I was sure the naked Jonathon Vaughters surprised by Hincapie would make the finals...

Anonymous said...

FRKN SUKS

kale said...

Snob,

That's one fine ass piece of writing you done did.

If you need a sidekick attorney, let my secretary know.

mikeweb said...

This is bat country.

leroy said...

Honestly, if those moose knuckle torso tats count as knuckles, what body part wouldn't qualify as a knuckle?

Why it's the proverbial camel's toes under the tent.

Wait, that's not right....

Camel's nose....

It's the proverbial camel's nose under the tent.

Don't know what made me think of toes....

Excuse me, I have to go vote again.... And again. And again.

(BGW -- that ellipsis tool is still working. I was worried I had mispelled it.)

uncle ben said...

with great power comes great responsibility...

http://www.chicagobreakingnews.com/2009/08/lincoln-park-mugging-victim-bike-lock-was-saving-grace.html

Jon said...

Just read the Outside story this morning (I'm another person who gets Outside mysteriously for nothing). Nice work, but you really should've donned the tighty-whiteys.

During the article it occurred to me how integral links are to your writing. Not saying that I would've wanted to see the sagging tighty-whiteys, just that it's a much tamer BSNYC experience when printed.

bikesgonewild said...

...like a charm, leroy, like a fucking charm...

...one quick finger compression is all it takes...like a roll of the loaded dice, it comes up an elliptic "trey" any & every time i need it...

kale said...

Leroy brings up a valid point of contention.

By definition, the moose knuckle is formed by the silhouette of a male anatomy, a la the podium. The more desirable cameltoe is found on females.

bikesgonewild said...

...jeez, kale...being a ex-pat canuck, i came to attention & saluted when i saw miss canada w/ her sashaying hips & her well pronounced cameltoe swingin' on down...

..."oh, canada, glorious & free..."...

Fierce Panties said...

BIGW HEEL

The Cincinnati Kid said...

Rather harsh treatment of the Queen City, a cycling paradise where there are few restrictions on what can be placed in flower boxes.

Fierce Panties said...

L.E.S

mmmm, Nehi and a sandwich.

When it's over it's over, drink up. said...

When I finished SSWC08 everyone was too drunk to notice. Didn’t get a fucking bottle opener either, haunts me to this day. But I’ll be in Durango bitches!

Rich W said...

I can't believe my fried pig's knuckle is getting beat by the flower box...all those hours of photoshop I'll never get back.

bikesgonewild said...

...to say nothing of yer cholesterol levels...

wishiwasmerckx said...

100th!

Anonymous said...

Hey the "moose knuckle" photo looks like the skinny bike guys I ride with.

Once known as The Badger said...

F@@k Me!

Erik said...

I'm going to defend my city while acknowledging that I've completely made fun of the upright NYC attitude in the past. So, thanks for giving attention to my fair city, Cincinnati. It is a truly wonderful place to live and to ride.

Biscuitman said...

As much as I like the "Moose Knuckles" photo (a lot) - I think it has to miss out on a technicality. They are "Camel Toes" not Moose Knuckles. Men have Moose Knuckles.

Anonymous said...

lanterne rouge

plane simple said...

SELF-PLUG

Fierce Panties said...

FAT4 LIFE

Fierce Panties said...

CHIN KRAK

Fierce and Fat said...

NEHI RULZ

Culottes Sauvage said...

MUFF NTOP

leroy said...

Oh dear.

Now I know why I made that mistake about the camel's nose.

Golly, is my face red.

But disqualifying Moose Knuckles on anatomical correctness grounds would be a descent into technicalities.

And honestly, who expects a technical descent in a knuckle tattoo competition?

Anonymous said...

SSWC? Mr. Snob, given your participation in that event, to say nothing of the unsanctioned Headlands ride with the wee American Cyclery folk lead me to think you are dangerously close to riding an alley cat. Some of the forementioned put on this thing ferinstance:

soilsaloon.com

Anonymous said...

I really hoped that the carrots would win only because that picture reminds me of salad fingers

tom said...

I don't mind the ads snob, in fact I encourage them. I want nothing more than for you to have the independence to blog and do magazine collabos the way you want. But please kill the pop-ups before they kill me. I don't know how they got past my blockers but yours are a wily breed.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Tom,

Thanks very much for letting me know--I don't like that and I'll find out why you're seeing them.

--BSNYC

Luck E. Seven said...

I Am the Panties:

Knuckle Sammich-eatin Nehilist!

Being the Panties, and as such the source of infinite wisdom on crotchal cleavage, what say you on the 'moose knuckles' vs. 'cameltoe' split?

LBIA MJRA



.-

kale said...

Flashback!!!

Laurent "Aaron Eckhart in 'Nurse Betty'" Brochard

Anonymous said...

http://dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=20

Andrew said...

knuckle pants!

niks said...

I was pleasantly surprised to find your article in Outside. Photos are schlongtacular. Any diktats?
This year Great Head on your rigid fork? Super Relax

Broadway Joe said...

Jets game anyone?

Anonymous said...

Next ... ?

Anonymous said...

Prolly? Julie? What happened to this place?

Andrew said...

Great to see this..really amazing..


___________________
Andrew
Get your company name famous across the world with online marketing

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