Thursday, May 14, 2009

Illusions: Fake Twitters and Strange Looks

Firstly, I'm afraid I have an order of mundane business I need to get out of the way. You may recall that some time ago I was "Twitterjacked." However, people do still seem to be under the impression that this is in fact me, since whoever Twitterjacked me cunningly linked my email to the fake Twitter account. This means I receive notifications when people begin "following" my fake Twitter. So if you are one of those people, please know that this:


...is not me. (I did contact Twitter at some point, but so far they have been unresponsive.)

Furthermore, my fake Twitter officially jumped the shark yesterday when I received an email notifying me that my fake Twitter is now being followed by another fake Twitter:



Please note that this is not me either, and that these are not my twitters, tweets, twats, or twangs. Mind you, I have nothing against Twitter, though I don't really see the point of an anonymous and loquacious blogger using a medium that is based entirely on communicating your intimate personal details with a paucity of words. Should that change in the future and I do start twaddling, I assure you I will let you know, but in the meantime you can assume that any Twitters bearing my name are counterfeit and that I am reserving my words for this blog and Bicycling magazine. (My Bicycling column is pretty short, so in a way it's my monthly Twitter.) And in the meantime, should I feel compelled to express myself with even more brevity, I'll just use Knuckle Twatter instead. Here's one of my recent Knuckle Twats, which is a ride report of my last offroad epic:


RODEBIKE Get your own knuckles at the knuckle tattoo gun.




HURTNUTS Get your own knuckles at the knuckle tattoo gun.


WENTHOME Get your own knuckles at the knuckle tattoo gun.

It was truly an awesome ride. I "slayed" some singletrack, and then I slayed myself.

Now that I've gotten the whole Twitter thing out of the way, I find myself wishing that the fiasco that is Bike Month was also out of the way, since things are getting pretty bad (or "gnarly," as they say in singletrack-slaying parlance) out there. Certainly I don't expect things to get any better in June, but run-of-the-mill mistreatment just feels worse when it's supposed to be Bike Month in the same way that insults tend to sting just a bit more on your birthday. Indeed, a mere 24 hours after I was nearly the victim of an extremely douchey Malachi crunch, I was nearly hit by a cab.

This was a scenario familiar to most cyclists. I was riding along in the bike lane, minding my own business, obeying all traffic laws, and enjoying the feeling of the breeze ruffling the feathers of my chicken suit. Little did I know a cab was approaching from behind:



I got to the intersection well before the cab. Furthermore, I had the green light, so I proceeded straight ahead with the confidence of a prized gamecock. However, at this point the cab driver decided to make a left. Moreover, he didn't see me, so he cut me off and almost hit me in the process:


Naturally, I didn't want to end up like this:

I loudly admonished the driver with a series of obscene clucks, but he still didn't notice me and continued to bear down on me. So next I unclipped and kicked the side of his cab. Amazingly, he still didn't notice me. This was no gentle tap, and I was not wearing my dainty little Vittoria ballet shoes, either--I was wearing something with a substantial sole. By this point, he had completed his turn and I had avoided being hit, though I was still amazed that after both the invectives and the kick he still hadn't acknowledged me. Granted, cab drivers are used to running down people and small animals and it takes a lot to get their attention, but a swift kick is usually sufficient.

Curious, I followed him and eventually intercepted him. I explained what had happened, and mentioned I had even kicked his cab. He laughed, and said, "Really?!?" He responded in exactly the same way your stoner friend does when you've been standing outside in the rain, he finally lets you in, and you say, "What the hell? I've been ringing the buzzer for 20 minutes!"

"Really?!?"

At any rate, he assured me he'd be more careful, and he didn't even seem to mind when I told him I had to photograph him for my project:



Not only that, but he even continued to laugh. It could be that despite the fact that it was Thursday morning he had begun his shift on Wednesday before midnight, so perhaps he was still under the influence of the "Wednesday weed." In any event, I think he adds some much-needed mirth to my Wall of People Who Have Almost Killed Me Fame:

Speaking of mirthful countenances, few people can rival Ivan Basso when it comes to smiling in difficult or unpleasant circumstances. If you've been watching the Giro d'Italia or even simply perusing the photos on Cyclingnews, you'll notice that no matter how tough things get he's always grinning helmet strap-to-helmet strap:


Of course, the fact is that Basso simply has a grimace that looks like a smile, but I'm sure that makes it no less irritating to his stone-faced rivals. In conditions such as these even the illusion of mirth can wreak havoc with the psyche. Take the chilling scene in "Platoon" for instance, in which a frightened Charlie Sheen Kevin Dillon murders an innocent villager whose grimace of fear he misinterprets:



But as disconcerting as Basso's facial expressions must surely be to his rivals, when it comes to facial contortions nobody comes close to Thomas Voeckler:


The above photo is not from the Giro, but it might as well be--he was in a breakaway yesterday and he was doing the same thing. You may recall that Voeckler's stint in yellow during the 2004 Tour de France inspired Phil Liggett's famous "suitcase of courage" comment, and Voeckler has been delivering maudlin performances ever since. Basically, he's the cycling equivalent of present-day Al Pacino--there's a lot of bluster and overacting, but in the end it goes nowhere. Voeckler may have a "suitcase of courage," but he's also got a "valise of schmaltz," a "velvet evening clutch of futility," and an entire steamer trunk of twisted facial expressions. I wonder if he looks like that when he mows his lawn.

On the other hand, if you want an impenetrable race face, look no further than Letle Viride:


Feeling strong? Suffering? Thinking about cheese? It's anybody's guess:


Leipheimer is riding well so far, but that's not stopping the commentators on Universal Sports from completely ignoring him. If you thought Phil and Paul mentioned Armstrong a lot, Universal have taken it to a completely different level--I think they're actually recording the broadcasts and then going back into the studio and overdubbing additional Lance Armstrong mentions. They're like that guy in "Crazy People" who can't stop saying "Hello."

Since Leipheimer's visage is so stoic, I visited his Twitter to see if I could get any insight:

Strange that he's pleased about the doping control--I guess things have gotten so Orwellian in cycling that the riders have to pretend to like it. Clearly, Leipheimer's Twitter is as stonefaced as he is. So, desperate for some dirt, I checked in with Dennis Hopper:



I couldn't help thinking this giant ad is a figment of Hopper's imagination, and this suspicion was reinforced by his next "tweet:"



Scraps must have been giving him the Basso.

166 comments:

Luck E. Seven said...

FREE CHEZ


A

Renders Fenders Moot said...

Queso.

ant1 said...

ant1st!

ant1 said...

damn. I got hauslered.

Luck E. Seven said...

HELA PODM


A

Anonymous said...

Free Pelosi!

Anonymous said...

cheese

mattoidbunko said...

Whole Lotta Rosie!

Anonymous said...

Woot! Woot!

Anonymous said...

top ten

ringcycles said...

Levi: under exposed, but safely in the front

Anonymous said...

hola amigos

southpole said...

whatever

Anonymous said...

Dammnnnn!

Lotta sprinters

mikeweb said...

Google!

ant1 said...

Snob - "By this point, he had completed my turn and I had avoided being hit..."

must have been a rough wednesday. Late post, rookie mistakes...

leroy said...

Mr. Hopper and his dog have trust issues?

Who woulda thunk it?

Honestly, BSNYC, whatever they pay you for these PSAs, it isn't enough.

Anonymous said...

RTMS,

I'm sorry it's before lunch and all, but I do not follow your thought here.

"By this point, he had completed my turn and I had avoided being hit, tho..."

Was it your turn to drive the cab?

Veloben

Anonymous said...

Curse beaten by ant1st again.

VB

Dennis said...

Heineken?
Fuck that shit!
Pabst blue ribbon!

southpole said...

anyway, there is an esoteric programming language called homespring based on the concept of salmon. you write a gothic poem about the life of salmon making their way up the river.

mikeweb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Disgruntl Ed. said...

I too saw that "he completed my turn."

I am glad that that is what he did for you, rather than finishing yourself (elves) in some nastier way. I suspect you'd have looked more like road pigeon than that tasty bird in the pic.

Also there's a was that should be a were, but usage being what it is, and you being alive and well, no bother.

Anonymous said...

Cunego!

CommieCanuck said...

I almost got bunted on my ride home last week, when a driver turned right, without signaling, across my "bike lane". After the usual cursing, she explained, "I didn't see you, because I wasn't looking."This was followed by the classic, "...you should ride on the sidewalks, it's safer."

Which invoked the usual response, "you should ride a bus, it's safer for all of us."

...yadda yadda..., they won't find the body until the odor gets much worse.

Anonymous said...

chuwenty!

golf-clap

Ronsonic said...

No discussion of race faces is complete with out Killer Di Luca. http://www.bagear.com.au/images/D/DV254EV.jpg

frankielof said...

"If you thought Phil and Paul mentioned Armstrong a lot, Universal have taken it to a completely different level"

I have no idea what rock these two guys crawled out from under, but they make me excited for the days with Craig Hummer announcing the Tour for Vs.

ant1 said...

this is funny:
http://www.driveyourbike.org/wp/

g said...

CC:
"Which invoked the usual response, 'you should ride a bus, it's safer for all of us.'"
Priceless. I shall be palping that next time.

rezado said...

Snob you fucking rox it on the daily.

So what if there are a couple of errors in your post I am sure you are still a little shaken up from almost being hit by a carless cab driver who didnt even realize that you kicked his car with your loafer clad foot.

Take a tip from Basso.

mikeweb said...

I've been watching the Giro live each morning and they have some English chap announcing by himself. I think it's the first bicycle race he's watched in his life. If mispeaks and refers to 'seconds' in a breakaway gap as kilometers one more time, my Basso face will go quickly DiLuca.

Bill said...

glad you're alright, i think people have been driving especially douchey this wee, and what the hell is up with the road off of the manhattan bridge, freakin hell of the north, AND is the peds side of the manhattan bridge closed, why are so many on bike side...i could go on and on.

that's funny, i turned on the giro for about 5 minutes and felt like levi was all they talked about....but then they stopped and returned with ARMSTRONG! ARMSTRONG!!

Anonymous said...

Reminds me of GE "guitar face" Smith from the olde SNL... http://tinyurl.com/qu3w3z

hillbilly said...

rox it on the daily?? please don't ever say that again

mikeweb said...

ant1: right you are! Saw that yesterday - that disco limo is schweet

mikeweb said...

CC: "You should ride the bus" - priceless!

Of course, in NYC I'll be suggesting that they ride the "F" train. As in go F-train yourself.

bwatson009 said...

"cunningly linked"...

stuggy said...

Hopper's Tweet! Hahahahaahahaha! "Motherfucker was looking at me funny."

How do you come up with this stuff? As long as my daily episodes of unprovoked laughter keep my co-workers thinking I'm deranged, I'm good.

CommieCanuck said...

Armstrong...Levi...

oh, by the way, Chris Horner,who is the exact same age as Armstrong, is only a few seconds back of Basso in the GC.

Meh.

TheTye said...

Ivan Basso looks like that because of all the Botox. Botox is all the rage in the Euro-cycle-pro circles.

Also, Universal is commenting on Levi plenty....
There was the time when the said "there is levi riding behind Armstrong"
And then the other time when they spent way too long commenting on Armstrong's "gameplan" to not lose more than two minutes and then said "Levi seems to be doing alright" while he paced the lead

Disgruntl Ed. said...

"Rox it on the daily" might give offence if it were repeated so mercilessly as "priceless."

bikesgonewild said...

...re: the "basso" look...

...check out chris horner in that foto of levi...cat's always got a smiling look on his face...

...& he oughta win, hands down, the award as "best domestique ever"...guy is a rebel in many ways but he's always there for his team leader...major props...

WheelDancer said...

Surprised you didn't cover the latest doping scandal to hit the peloton but I suppose not everyone has seen the latest drug reclassification. I think the FDA needs a drug to prevent stupidity.

rezado said...

hillbilly,

How about "Snob slays this gnarly blog on the regular"? Or, "Snob you made that blog your bitch".

mikeweb said...

On the Lance/Levi/Chris subject, I like how yesterday Levi and Chris were in contention for the stage but Armstrong got a total of 3 escorts, including Novarro who is a good climber, so that he wouldn't lose more than 2 minutes.

That plan worked pretty well...

Anonymous said...

free universal coverage is nice but that commentator sure has to dig through his duffel bag of diction sometimes: "armstrong is now 15 km back....uh, meters back"

CommieCanuck said...

WD...that's not heroine?

uh oh.

Wes said...

"A velvet evening clutch of futility." That slays it. And the diagrams are back. I bloomin' love the diagrams - they rox it.

cheva said...

"thinking about cheese." nerk nerk. But really, who isn't?

Ned Schneebly said...

Riding to work in DC this morning, I was thinking about this week's BSNYC postings: bike salmon, lane blockages, etc.

At the same time, a pedestrian standing on the curb in the middle of a block (not at a crosswalk) looked directly at me and stepped out in front of me while averting his eyes.

I swerved around him, and got the impression that he was refusing to acknowledge the fact that I was even there (despite knowing that I was indeed there)

Its a no-win situation. I see the same attitude with 'motorists' all the time. It isn't going to change substantially anytime soon. In fact, anti-cyclist attitudes were worse last summer when gas prices were at historic highs.

For me, the solution needs to come at a personal (rather than societal) level; and that means moving someplace where the population density is much lower, and the roads have wide shoulders. I'd rather deal with the occassional jerk and/or soccor mom than with a constant barrage of hostility from pedestrians, motorists, and other cyclists.

ant1 said...

Horner is the greatest. Dude is always happy, knows and doesn't mind his place within the team, always fullfills his duties, sacrifices personal glory for the benefit of the team leaders over and over again (see stage 5), knows more about racing than most DSs, and has the second best cycling commentary out there (our beloved snobby being number one, of course). If I were Frilly, I'd be all over that.

rezado said...

Get off that man's rox.

Jim said...

Levi has a blog too, y'know, where he holds forth in greater detail.

About the doping control, he said,

"After the eigth or ninth beer I really had to piss, but Lance was busy dumping our soigneur's supply of crystal meth down the toilet and threatening to end his career, something about a book or a lawsuit or Clemonses hypodermics or something, so I couldn't get into the bathroom, nor could I leave the podium girls sitting there alone with Rubeira - that dude is such a cockblocker. 'Chechu this" and 'Chechu that'... wish I had a name the chicks liked. Anyhow... very fortunately, the boys from WADA showed up for a surprise doping test - it's a good thing too, 'cuz I had to piss like a race horse. They made it just in time, right before I was about to roll up my shantz and pee off the side of the sofa, just like on the bike. I think they just wanted to get in on the action with the podium girls, but hey, I'm not going to question it. Good thing they brought the king size sample container, if you know what I mean. Anyhow, it turned into a total drag, the chicks were all about that washed up bastard Armstrong, but surprise of the night, I think Horner wound up going home with both of 'em, that sneaky sonovabitch. Jeeezus. What do I have to do to podium around here? It's like I'm invisible or something..."

Isolation Helmet said...

Hey Snob-

On this bike to work day in the Bay area I picked up a copy of Cyclocross Magazine at a rest stop (issue 4- Fall 2008) where you give counterpoint to their article on tubular tires for cyclocross. Not only is this not a funny article but it gives practical advice while not being funny. How boring and bike geeky. I much prefer funny and bike geeky. There is already too much practical unfunny advice in bike mags.

Anonymous said...

Kara!

hillbilly said...

thanks rezado, much better. ant1, i'm worried that you are going down the seany path of 'i'd tap that,'...not that there is anything wrong with that....

b said...

Holy crap, I blew chocolate milk out of my nose laughing over this one. Thanks BSYNC!

grog said...

Funny blog today, after the twit business.
Yo cabbie problem is exacermehbated by the fact that yo cabbie had Wednesday weed and you didn't, poor thing. Better luck next Wednesday.
Oh, this month's mag bit was funny too. Wrong, but funny.

Anonymous said...

Wasn't it Matt Dillon's character "Bunny" who did in the poor villager? "You see that *'ing head come apart?" Not that it makes a huge difference, or i'm checking spelling or anything...

Surly Bastard said...

Popped an eye-ball out of my head laughing at the Voekler shtick. How fuckin' true! The Hopper and his dog twitter totally finished me off and I had to be restrained and sedated by the ward nurses.

Horner? Horner? He palped the best cyclocross crash I ever saw. It was like a kid sliding on one of those plastic lawn slides with a garden hose on it ... he just kept sliding, and sliding ... I thought the little shit would never stop.

Dr. Phil said...

maybe the person behind the tweets was he OC. after all it doesnt seem like you responded to any of his 400+ youtube posts where he speaks to you directly.
why dont you just tell him your a married, mediocre cat 4 who lives in park slope. yeesh put him out of his misery.

Beefy McManstick said...

Using "...it's a good thing...", "...and that's a good thing...", etc. has jumped the shark. I hate that saying.

ant1 said...

Hillybill - That was more of a shout out to Frilly than anything, but feel free to read whatever you want into it big boy. Plus, when it comes to pro cyclists, I only have eyes for Emilia Fahlin. I'd donate a testicle to lance for 10 minutes with that girl. Emily Batty ain't bad either, especially considering the fact that she's canadian (I kid, commie, I kid). I like how she races with a pearl necklace. If it were up to me, she'd sleep with one too. I'm sorry, that was neither funny nor appropriate. I'll get back to work now.

gangster city said...

twitter is the blandest thing going. the posts are abysmal, even shaq's...

Kristin said...

I think you need to get with Kanye...http://news.cnet.com/8301-17852_3-10240509-71.html?part=rss&subj=news&tag=2547-1_3-0-20

Bill said...

wait a minute, i'm bike snob? oh, no, there are more than 1 fitting that description...phew...

hmmm
http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/bik/1169857493.html

http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/bik/1169829385.html

fishy, no? but i guess if he's going to vegas...

Slonie said...

Spotted a TTMBL today on Bike To Work Day:

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2263/3531653248_eaf208b6a7_b.jpg

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 3:41pm,

Yeah, it was Kevin Dillon, wasn't it? Correction made!

--BSNYC

hillbilly said...

but funny as hell! damn you and your charm ant1! you had me at 'big boy,' first and only time i'll ever be called that.

flaco said...

where the hell is that slonie? and what the hell are those giant eyeglasses in the middle of the road!!??

WheelDancer said...

CommieCanuck - it's not even heroin...

What is the What said...

Where in the hell do you find singletrack to slay in NYC?

Or is that another veiled drug reference with which I'm not acquainted?

Anonymous said...

Oh, and "...favourite hotel..."?

Dennis Hopper is Canadian? Who knew?

ringcycles said...

Knuckle Twats? Isn't that some twisted Danish city bike riding type of porn? Another step away from being a "family friendly" blog I suppose.

Anonymous said...

"I loudly admonished the driver with a series of obscene clucks ... kicked the side of his cab ... This was no gentle tap ... Curious, I followed him"

Bsnyc, seriously - wtf? possibly the only thing dumber than having a bike w/ NOBR AKES to avoid dangerous situations is having a bike with brakes and not using them to avoid dangerous situations, then actually *increasing* the danger to yourself by trying to kick a car and follow it.

honestly hard to believe you were born and raised here. you're a bright gal (or guy. or goy?) - you must have learned by now that in such situations it doesn’t matter whose fault it is; it's whose problem is it that matters. keep kicking cars and following drivers, and one sad day some a-hole meathead is going to get out of his car and stomp you. i had the same queasy feeling when you got into it with that nj driver a while back. i hope it doesn’t happen, but with this type of reaction it is a virtual certainty.

"On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero."

(for those of you who won't understand what I'm saying: this is in no way an apology for dangerous driving or a recommendation that cyclists should be meek, intimidated or not be aggressive about asserting their rights)

NatMc said...

Damn snobbers, thanks to that dennis hopper twat, there's purple drank sprayed all over my monitor.

sheer genius.

Bill said...

i like the disclaimer at the end, anon 411....there is nothing that pisses me off more than this new 'we have to get them to like us/respect us by obeying the rules' shit...as if that really is what drivers respond to 'damn, i really like the way you stopped behind the line, i was going to cut you off, but now....'

Wes said...

I have a business proposal - cleaning computer screens about lunchtime, just after Snobby posts, maybe a buck or two a go (do you still have the dollar obver there or are you euros as well).

It's a franchise opportunity, slogan something like "Chocolate milk? Purple Drank? Fierce cheese? Let us scrape away your expectorant after Snob rox it on the daily."

It's not very catchy but hey, I'm am not a fucking good or good fucking writer. However, I can use a wet wipe.

Wes said...

I'm or I am.

dirtyhippy said...

I hit the "I forgot my password" button on twitter and put in 'bikesnobnyc'. Since your email is linked to the account, instructions were just sent to you to reset "your" password, thus getting control of the account. Hope you don't mind!

anon 411 said...

they had a great phrase in the uk in regards to motorcycling (they have a great phrase for everything in the UK): "dominate your lane"

no better way to ride safely on the road than to dominate your lane

and if some guy cuts you off, and you want to go kick his car, follow him, break off his mirror, or empty your bottle into his lap, ok - have at it. but pls just be honest about what youre trying to (or may) accomplish. if you want to be safe, tap the brakes and let 'em go. if you want to make an issue of it, be prepared for that worst case scenario. b/c 1% of the time, that's what you'll get. and snob has to be close to 100 of these.

sry ... off the soapbox now

wishiwasmerckx said...

Out of all the knuckle twats, moose knuckle twats are surely the best, don't you think?

rezado said...

Potato, tomato.

ant1 said...

As I always say: we takes the laney lebowski. While I rub a share the road license plate, I only mean it when I'm in my truck. When I get on the bike, it's my fucking road, no sharing. Of course, when I notice a big truck coming up behind me, I don't act so tough anymore, but hey, it's fun to pretend.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 4:11pm,

Rest assured, I don't go around kicking cars, but when one is already on you because the driver has no idea you're there and you've taken all the evasive action you can short of riding in reverse, you do what you need to do to get a driver's attention. If the car's still bearing down on me and I have to kick some plastic cladding, I'll kick some plastic cladding. No damage was intended or done--and as I said, he didn't even notice it.

As far as following him, the exchange was completely amicable--I simply told him what happened and he was genuinely apologetic. He also really was laughing about the whole thing, and was clearly a well-meaning (if somewhat oblivious) fellow.

I'm not sure what where I was "born and raised" has do to with anything, though perhaps it gave me some ability to read people and situations. Rest assured, you learn when to keep your head down and your mouth shut growing up on the tuber farm.

Not arguing with you, by the way--just addressing your concerns and points.

All best,

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

The attempts at fashionable slang among these comments are pathetic. Try using standard English.

Unfunny and ungrammatical is no way to go through life (you'll note that the Bike Snob manages to be humorous without distressing the language -- his slang usually appears in quotes).

By far the wittiest comment so far was the "Heineken...Pabst Blue Ribbon" quote. That person should contribute more.

Luck E. Seven said...

Anon 4:11-

I was with you until you palped the Fight Club quote.

Yes, on a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone does drop to zero. What makes you think that is a way to reinforce your point about following semi-retarded drivers? By that logic, there is no reason NOT to follow them, as we all die anyway.

Fatalism to support intelligent passivity?

Does not compute.


A

flaco the flaccid said...

anon 450, I don't pretend to speak for all of us when I say that I could or couldn't give 2 shits, and I have no idea what the actual saying is. Anonymously critiquing comments is just about the lowest form of troll, congrats, but at least you sucked up to snobbie. Chapeau

Anonymous said...

Anonymous 4:50PM - Go fuck yourself.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Dirtyhippy,

Thanks! I guess if I wasn't so busy complaining I'd have figured that out...

--BSNYC

Gavia said...

Evening clutch of futility? Ooh, là là, that was beautiful.

Well-played, sir, well-played.

ant1 said...

"Unfunny and ungrammatical is no way to go through life"

shouldn't that be "are no way..."

sorry, just trying to be a dick and that's the only thing remotely close to incorrect I could find on your comment.

and how are the fashionable slang coments attempts? is the slang used actually unfashionable? or do you just not like it?

Wes said...

Yeah anon 4:50. Your just being meen to all my homies on da blog. Stop messin wiv are superstylin, innit?

Flaco rox.

f the f said...

in izzy the haus? no... yays to the hecks!

Anonymous said...

Annonymous 4:55 -- you certainly sound tough. I'm wounded by your thoughtful put-down. I guess I know where you stand on sloppy slang. May I suggest fourth grade? Go on. Go ahead. Try it.

I did have to think about using "is" in the "unfunny and ungrammatical" comment. Actually, the sentence refers to a way of life. A single way of life. Although I mention two facets of that life -- unfunny and ungrammatical -- "is" is correct. After all, I was only paying respect to that more famous quote from 'Animal House': "Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life." Annonymous 4:55: are you reading?

bikesgonewild said...

Anonymous 4:50PM & 5:21PM - Go fuck yourself. Please.

ERK said...

Good one snobby. Interestingly, I was just watching that damn cycling documentary "Overcoming" and chuckling to myself about Basso's smile-grimace. glad I'm not the only one who noticed that.

bikesgonewild said...

...see...proper punctuation, spelling & politeness just to emphasize the thoughts of many...

...& stop making excuses...fuck !!!...

Jonathan said...

i rear-ended a cab on the way to work this morning. dont worry, im fine. then i saw a korean chick slip over in some vomit.

Anonymous said...

Is Kevin Dillon now considered interchangeable with a frightened Charlie Sheen? I don't know that I have ever seen either in a "frightened" state, but KD's manic state as portrayed in Entourage could pass for frightened I suppose. Sheen, of course, is so cool that he can't even "act" frightened so he uses a stand in. May as well use Dillon - guy is always looking for work and knows where to get the kind green and a good hooker.

BTW, Letle Viride looks a LOT like John C. McGinley - who, oddly enough, was in Platoon...

red neckerson said...

yeah you boys can go eat a bowl full of dick fuck you eat shit motherfucker

jolene says i gots tank turrets syndrome whatever the fuck that is

anon411 said...

luck e. - think your comment's rhetorical, but just so ewe knows i'm nots dissin' you ('suuup, fo fitty!) - yes, the quotation was irrelevant/a non-sequitor. i just like it. (i even said it to my boss when he tried to fire me, once. but that's a whole 'nother story.) consider it an aesthetic choice. hope it didn't detract too much from my message which i stand by and was sincere (yet incredibly tedious). i just know at some point someone on this blog is going to run into that 1% situation ... and i'd love to save them from doing that. ride safe & aggressive boys & girls

Anonymous said...

Flaco the flaccid -- i just realized that it was me to whom you were referring.

First, I'm sure you are both flaco and flaccid, that is, skinny and limp. Wow. Uh, congratulations.

Second, I'm posting annonymously because I don't want to bother getting myself a Google account identity.

You've made me ashamed of myself: how could I not choose a fake little name so that you can think you know me? Then I wouldn't be annonymous.

Well, I'm still not going to register, but you can refer to me as "Not Intimidated". Wait, wait, call me "Owns A Dictionary". No, better yet, refer to me as "Gordo The Erect". Yeah, that's it.

And that quote you don't care about? That was Dennis Hopper in 'Blue Velvet'. I bet David Lynch really worries about whether or not you know his work.

But "Flox" you really do "rox". I can see it now, you snapping your fingers as your "flaccidity" waves in the breeze. How cool.

Wes said...

I second red and bgw and ant1 and anon 4:55 (not Annonymous).

But, the highly successful shampoo / conditoner collabo is not Wash Go, so maybe it should be "go AND fuck youself".

Anonymous said...

I'd leave early, but my boss is douche - and he spells it with an accent over the "e"...

Anonymous said...

BGW 5:45 -- since you seem to be addressing two people, it should be "go fuck yourSELVES". Or, if you'd like to be more family-friendly, "Take a sexual departure" works also ...

Dwight David Eisenhower said...

Anon 6:04, you can give yourself a name without signing up for a Google account! I like this one, so I use it all the time...

wishiwasmerckx said...

Jonathon, Korean chicks slipping over in some vomit is a pretty narrow sub-genre of porn, but hey, whatever floats your boat.

Dwight David Eisenhower said...

I prefer to watch Korean chicks slipping in LOTS of vomit, not just "some"! Either their own, or others', doesn't matter...

But hey, we all have our fetishes...

Anonymous said...

Dennis Hopper hates the little people...same with Al Michaels. They argue that anybody that works hard will become rich. Those that don't become rich are lazy.

Today some punk on a Pista ran a stop sign and almost t-boned me. No helmet. No brakes.

Dwight David Eisenhower said...

...and not slipping "over" just slipping...

Anonymous said...

bikesgonewild -- you've shut me down, resoundingly.

I'm sorry to have shaken up you're little world. But you showed me.

What -- please tell me what -- am I making excuses about? My comments are an excuse-free zone.

What can I write? I'm just beaten.

Who wrote your comments?

Who read you mine?

Gordo The Erect

g said...

I thought "the highly successful shampoo / conditoner collabo" was "lather, rinse, repeat".

g said...

Under photo of Armstrong
"Reports suggest a new team jersey that represents
the future direction of the team may be introduced as early as Friday"
will it be the much commented about BSNYC smock? Tune in boys and girls to find out....

g said...

Gordo,
I really meant "Boys and girls, tune in to find out" not that one should 'tune in' boys and girls (whatever that means) in order to find out. I am thinking that 'tune in' is slang, but I was more concerned about the content than the style of the comment. Please forgive me.

frilly said...

Ant1--No doubt! I love Chris Horner. He is fucking adorable AND he eats PopTarts. Not to mention being a beast at setting the tempo.

I will be disappointed if he's not on the list for ToM.

Anquetil's Mother said...

Still my favorite Chris Horner story (sorry if its already been posted)

http://everydayathleteblog.com/2008/07/12/chris-horner-gives-fallen-rider-and-bike-a-2k-ride-to-the-finish/


no wonder he's so close to the GC lead....

Luck E. Seven said...

Anon411 @ 6:02,

I gotcha, no dis; like I said, you had me up to the Tyler Derden-ism. It did detract from your point, which was a good one, but I also get it for the aesthetic choice. Funny things, words.

I have to ask, why save anyone when we all die anyway?


Ride like a demon.


A

red neckerson said...

whats this about some race with them fucking eyetalians

Anonymous said...

You can all go fuck you're elves.

Or you can ride safely, or something else, if you prefer.

Anonymous said...

fucky fucky fuck...the fucking grammer police...fkuc yuorslef fuck-o fuck face fucker...shiiiiit.

red neckerson said...

mmy latin teacher treid to teach us this stuff in latin
fuc
fuk'
fuck'
fukulem
fukulorem'
fux

i say tap it hit it plunder it probe its depths drill it screw it hose it

and if yor a vet treat it with a foaming beef enema

red neckerson said...

dear jolene
roses are red
violets are blue
turkeys are like raindrops
lets fuck

L. Tuscadero said...

Hello????

Malachi F'in Crunch!!!!

Slonie said...

Flaco, the TTMBL was spotted in Santa Clara, CA. Suburban sprawl!

Anonymous said...

My the comments today are more testy than during the fender debate.

Fred said...

Chris Horner is the poor man's Jens Voigt.

Eric said...

No one is writing a thesis here. Is it really necessary to break out the thesaurus to write a comment to a blog. Keep your negativity to yourself. Fucking pessimist.

Personally, all I can think about is a good mozzarella when I post comments so, I am lucky if it makes sense.

Please feel free to let me know if there are any spelling or grammar errors.

Thanks in advance.

Anonymous said...

g, you are forgiven. I'm all form, no substance. (Note to self: write "fuck" a dozen times in a row to show that you're a real guy. And be sure to pretend that you were a failure in school -- being intelligent and successful is so...Japanese. Really!)

I must have overestimated some of the bloggers here.

There's a difference between slang and obscenity. I don't care about obscenity. Who does?

So those that responded to my posts with obsenities have reached for irony and missed. Badly.

No, what is odd here are the (almost certainly) white males that populate this blog space who sit in front of computers while at work and strain themselves trying to sound "authentic".

It strikes me that many of the "authentic" users of vernacular don't work in front of computers. I may be wrong.

So, go ahead. Sit at you keyboard and pretend that you're a redneck.

By all means, toss out faux gang-signs from the comfort of your office chair.

Do whatever you want.

But I stand by my original comment: it's not funny.

Gordo The Erect

Anonymous said...

Well, Eric, since you asked, the comma that appears in the fragment "...comments so, I am..." should be removed.

I'm sorry you consider my comments pessimistic. I don't think of myself as pessimistic, here or elsewhere.

I'm delighted that so many have responded so fiercely to my posts. To me, that's much better than wooden self-congratulation.

Gordo The Erect

Anonymous said...

most of these posts suck cause the writers of them have tattoos and fenders.

flaco the flaccid said...

gordo - it took you that long to realize I was referring to you? wow, you're bright. and reading comprehension must not be your long suit, as I was not talking about your quote (and I don't really harbor illusions that DL cares about me), I was talking about whether I do or don't give 2 shits. and, really? skinny and limp? gosh, i just picked 2 words at random.

Anonymous said...

flaco --

I'm not that bright. Right.

You picked three words, not two.

Gordon The Erect

flaco the...oh whatever said...

"sit at you keyboard" .....hahahahahha, you made a booboo...and your theory about the racial makeup of commenters is fascinating, though I'd go with a 'people interested in bikes' spin rather than a 'people sitting at you keyboards' spin, but hey, I don't really know who is an "authentic" user of slang anyway, so what the fuck do I know. I love that you don't really care about all this but are clearly poring over and rereading the comments as it took you hours to realize I was referring to you, as if it came to you like a bolt from above 'holy shit, he was talking about me!'

f the f said...

clearly you are very original as well, 'gordo the erect'

objecterror said...

Damn you have quite a following!

I'd like to say your writing style is flawless and you inspire me to use diction and increase the amount of volcabulary I use on a daily basis.

You also hit the twitter bit on the head, it's blogging at the speed of smell. The brain child of indecisive ADHD adults everywhere who must blog, type, twit and update on there every step.

of course, your knuckles drive points home much better.

Andy2nd said...

Does Red have his own blog yet, full of advice for the mentally challenged

Anonymous said...

Anyone else think that the whole fixie trick thing is like the carebear version of BMX flatlanders, except gay-er.

Anonymous said...

Good God! I did make a mistake. Is this blog rubbing off on me?

What’s that bit about my lack of originality? You mean my name? Follow closely here: I intended for it to be a nifty reflection off your well-honed handle.

Imitation is the most sincere form of theft. Be happy.

Ok, it’s true. I just want to fit in here. I, I…

…now hells dawg, you know i’m just fuking wich ya, you know i give you them mad phat superfly stoopid dope dumass retarded bombshit props, you know I just want to bust out them stoopid moves and send a shoutout to you and all my peeps, you know that i fukin, i fukin, i fukin give you them mad phat superfly stoopid dope dumass retarded bombshit props…jolene i luv yew cuz yor az strong az muh wife an az lite az muh gurfren an i don care that yur not muh cuzin an i don care that yew don haf no teef in yor mauf i luv yew like i luv muh ol traler…

Is it all better now?

Gordo The Erect

Anonymous said...

Tee Hee, he said 'well honed handle'

red neckerson said...

there must be a full moon out tonite looking at all these dumass posts coming in at two in the morning cos at that time there aint nobody awake in this part of the country exept meth lab operators and folks tending to there weed gardens

or maybe they caint sleep cos there panties are in a wad id say thats the case with a couple of them

as far as being funny i do this for my own amusement altho its getting disperate cos jolene is shaken up with gordy and it pisses me off

i feel like homemade shit

bikesgonewild said...

...gordo...yer awfully fond of yerself, ain't cha ???...but hey..it's worked out kinda nice, right ???...ya got a little attention for yerself & hey, now you can see yerself as a "contributor"...
...awww...i'm feeling all fucking warm & fuzzy...

...bottom line, you'll be gone at some point, the regulars will all still be here along w/ new & actually "interesting" folks & the verbal pablum you espouse will once again be yours & yours alone as it dribbles down yer chin while you stare at yerself in the mirror & wonder "wtf, ???...how did i get myself into that ???...

...thought ya had a voice & a place to "express" it, right gordo ???...nah, that wouldn't be here 'cuz in the long run we just don't really give a fuck...
...yer small potates, pal, small fucking potatoes...just another obsessive small minded, loud mouthed windbag, gordo...& being as we've hadda lot of that crap over time, well, let's just say we'll get over you w/ nary a second thought...

...so lemme reiterate, gordo..."go fuck yerself"...& this time, forget the "please"...

Klaus Mohn said...

am i the only person who's interested in what Gordo the Erect is rubbing/palping? *rimshot*

KVonnegut said...

It occurred to me this morning that BSNYC can't possibly "Twitter", as his sentences are rarely under 140 characters long. The ones that are that short are usually drivel, aimed at keeping the faux-intellectuals on-board. (I'm looking at you, aNNonymous)

Sigmund Fraud said...

Gordo, it's a bummer, but growing up bullied, and with your parental figures fighting with each other (or you) unfortunately set you up to thrive off meaningless confrontation with strangers as a means of connecting. And a lifelong problem inter-relating with people does not only stem from the fact that you're generally smarter than them; sorry, but sometimes it's also just you.

Funny how highly intelligent people are always the ones most insecure about it.

Also, I like you better as Etoain Shrdlu.

'Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.'

Rock out with your cock out, my friend.

Anonymous said...

These comments are so nice.

I am going to get a knuckle tattoo, like this:

SO*I CATE

* (image of a fist)

Because that's what I am, and I'm tired of hiding it.

Anonymous said...

Anon 9:33 -- so you like fisting. What's that got to do with knuckle tattoos?

Wimpie said...

Interesting!! Here in South Africa we don't have cab's( there is one or two) but we have mini-bus taxi's !!!
A few weeks back one killed a young girl by driving over her...she was on her scooter.

ant1 said...

Gordo the douchebag, you're fucking awesome man. I wish you would teach me the art of walking in to a room, insulting those already in it without any prior provocation, then complaining about their response while still thinking of yourself as the better man. Does one's use of grammar and language that displeases you nullify the validity of their reaction to your assholeness? You must get off on technicalities.

I love people like you. You make me feel so much better about myself.

ringcycles said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bill said...

I wonder if he walks into stranger's homes and says "you all have horrible taste, this place is ugly"...

hillbilly said...

what a dick

beautiful day today though!! I'm afraid this whole "documenting the commute" thing has gone too far. To the person adjusting their handlebar mounted videocam on Nevins St today, I would ask you to please get out of the bike lane while making your adjustments every 5 FEET! You were no better than a car parked in it at that point

Bill said...

Can't really be Etoain though, can it? I would think he would always identify himself

g said...

Why the hell did you folks have to point out that the Giro coverage mentions LA every 5 seconds? I was blissfully ignorant of that fact, and now, I'm just ignorant!

grog said...

AYHSMB:Chill.
(it must by Friday)
What we need is a
FUNK WHIZ

CommieCanuck said...

Wes said...

I have a business proposal - cleaning computer screens about lunchtime, just after Snobby posts, maybe a buck or two a go (do you still have the dollar obver there or are you euros as well).
Great. We can all wear punk getups and carry squeegees and stare at people, subtly pressuring them.

CommieCanuck said...

g..every aspect of cycling media, by FCC law , must mention Lance Armstrong every 5 seconds.

Lance Armstrong.

Mimi said...

those two cabbies look like one cabbie... as in, THE SAME CABBIE.

I think he's out to get you.

TRLR said...

lantern rouge

glass. said...

Voeckler looks like Flea in that contort-face picture.

s.

Bike Fag said...

While the bike snob is on vacation, come read what the Bike Fag has to say about brakeless track bikes:
http://bikefag.wordpress.com/

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