Tuesday, May 5, 2009

The Indignity of Commuting by Bicycle: Compression

In yesterday's post, I mentioned that commuting by bicycle can be a battle. Well, that was certainly the case for me this morning. As I rode smugly along in the bike lane, duly obeying all the local ordinances (at least those pertaining to operating bicycles--I may have been rocking a Cone of Smugness but I only wear pants on special occasions) and silently congratulating myself for palping wheelbrows, I noticed a bike salmon approaching me head-on. Simultaneously, a taxi driver decided that now would be an opportune moment to pull over into the bike lane--so opportune, in fact, that he couldn't even spare a second to make sure nobody was there. As such, I found myself bound by parked cars on my left, a merging taxi on my right, and a moron of the order Velo-salmoniformes coming at me head-on.

At that moment, I knew that I was going to have to punch something. My first choice of course would have been the bike salmon, but there was really no way to do this since he was still a few feet away. So instead I settled on punching the taxi repeatedly, until the driver finally realized he was about to crush me and came to a stop. I lost track of the bike salmon at that moment, but I can only assume he either hopped onto the sidewalk or else leaped into the air, his white underbelly glistening in the soft light of a rainy morning. The driver was apologetic, but nonetheless I informed him that I was going to have to photograph him for my project. Here he is in the process of raising the window and quickly putting the taxi in "drive:"



And here he is alongside the guy I mentioned in the Times article:



I'm sure you'll agree the project is coming along nicely.

I wish I could say that this was my only brush with disaster in the last 24 hours, but unfortunately that is not the case, because yesterday evening I also found myself watching a few minutes of the "The Jazz Singer," starring hirsute schmaltz-monger Neil Diamond. As it happened, I tuned in during some kind of love montage, and I was amused to note that at one point Diamond and his love interest ride by on a tandem:


This was followed by the infamous Bangladeshi riot scene:


After which came one of the most tender depictions of lovemaking ever captured on celluloid:


Incidentally, Neil Diamond has a pretty impressive set of eyebrows. He may have looked pretty wobbly on that tandem, but I bet he could fix the hell out of a bike:


In more recent cycling news, Italian national champion Filippo Simeoni has returned his tricolore jersey in protest of his team's exclusion from the Giro d'Italia. Morever, Simeoni also believes that Lance Armstrong may be behind the snub, since they've got an ongoing feud and Armstrong did cockblock him on that Tour stage back in 2004. I suppose if this is true then it's somewhat troubling, though it's also pretty hard to take the whole thing seriously after all these years. Really, at this point Armstrong and Simeoni are less conspirator and victim than they are Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau in "Grumpy Old Men." I'm hoping that one day somebody makes a movie about the Armstrong/Simeoni feud, if only because Simeoni's hotheaded Italian outrage would make for some great hijinx. Just add Paul Kimmage as the pesky journalist (think the Ed Rooney character in "Ferris Bueller's Day off") and you've got comedy gold!

And fortunately for Simeoni, if he gets so fed up that he decides to leave the sport altogether, he can always get a job as a "biking concierge:"

This sounds like a perfect gig for Simeoni, since according to the article nobody has actually used this particular hotel's biking concierge yet, so he'd have all day free to sit around smoldering and plotting his revenge. This would also make a great movie--the story of a bitter and twisted Italian biking concierge in an Irish hotel could potentially be the "There Will Be Blood" of cycling movies.

Speaking of mounting pressure, the world of cycling is all abuzz recently with talk of compression garments:


This is actually a rare instance of fixed-gear riders being well ahead of the curve, since they've been wearing "compression garments" in the form of tight jeans for years:

While many have dismissed tight jeans as a fad, the truth is that the compression helps blood circulate blood to the heart. This may not translate into better cycling performance (at least as employed by the "fixters"), but it does allow them to reap maximum benefits from their American Spirit cigarettes and cheap canned beer. Unfortunately, this in turn can lead to premature aging, as you can see in the photo above.

And compression garments may not be the only thing triathletes and "hipsters" share; a reader in Seattle has spotted further evidence of the triathlon/hipster crossover in the form of this "hipsterized" Specialized Transition:


Meanwhile, a reader in the UK may have spotted a new trend in theft-prevention:



At first glance, the diminutive purple cable lock looks better suited to securing a teenage girl's ponytail than it does to securing a bike. However, upon closer inspection, a grave warning is visible:


Upon contemplating this message, the thief realizes that, if he steals this person's bike, then this person will be forced to ride his other bike: which is of course the thief's mum. And even the most hardened criminal does not want his mum to be ridden by a stranger. Thus, the stencil is indeed mightier than the lock.

134 comments:

Mad Jack McMad said...

Boom Shanka

Anonymous said...

wtf

brad said...

yikes!

Bobbo said...

sweet

Anonymous said...

Out sprinted two days in a row!

c murder said...

TOP TEN!

innerlighter said...

oy!

Wes said...

Squeeze me. First real comment.

Renders Fenders Moot said...

I am the cheese.

CommieCanuck said...

From yesterday:
Snob, you lost to a buncha salad eaters.

Anonymous said...

Sad and sorry

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Disgruntl Ed. said...

conciere?

Mr. Rooney said...

"GRACCCCEEE"

Brian S. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bill said...

still wobbly

Mental Yentl said...

Neil Diamond, I cannot tolerate. Salmon, especially Nove Scotia, I can. Snobbala Swiping Salmon, now that's never good.

Oysh.

Anonymous said...

Blizzow. Top 20.

ringcycles said...

Is Mad Jack McMad actually the hipster name for Sen. John McNasty. If so, I am going to buy my compression black skinny jeans and matching hoodie today, just so I can win the sprint on my aerospoked fixie.

Anonymous said...

what's happened, bike snob? this blog has devolved in to a giant meandering bunch of inside jokes and self references. palp this, rub that, cone of smugness, lone wolf, etc. it a week long bunch of bar spinz.

for someone who on the blog's first anniversary declared himself a "fucking good writer" perhaps you've lost a little perspective on your work. trust me, i know how difficult it is to do what you do well, but even good writers need to step back from there work from time to time. maybe its time for a snobatical.

just sayin'

first said...

letle viride

Astroluc said...

denied!

innerlighter said...

...and if the prospect of having his mum ridden isn't enough of a deterrent to the potential theif, the bicycle owner has wisely employed the new rust-coloured chain lube theft prevention syslem, thusly creating the impression that the bike is a poorly maintained piece of crap.
A closer inspection will reveal that the bike is actually a new Lynskey Helix with Campy Super Record and Cosmic Carbone Ultimates, albeit cleverly disguised.


meh.

innerlighter said...

theft prevention syslem


ur...system...that is.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Anon 1:53, you are 18 minutes early.

Jim said...

And even the most hardened criminal does not want his mum to be ridden by a stranger. They call that a 'cocklock.'

Works like a charm.

Ps. Hardened criminal? I'd be more worried about the hardened bike owner.

Anonymous said...

darndarndarndarn

Bill said...

wiwm - math is hard, took me a long time to figure out that would be 2:11.....at which point I laughed very hard, but man, that hurt my head

Wes said...

Anonymous 1:53. They're not there. A fucking good writer would have noticed that.

Bill said...

rtms - seeing as you chronicle the many indignities we suffer so well, I thought you might be interested to hear that I got egged (yes, hit in the helmet with a raw egg) while doing laps in the park last night

grog said...

Snob, so wait a minute: you had parked cars on your left and the cabbie on your right, so you were on the left/wrong side of the road! explain please.

Gertrude said...

There there.

rookieroadracer said...

What you need, Snob, is a set of spikes on your clipless shoes. You can either "brace yourself on the vehicle that was crushing you", or just "boot the darn car", depending on your preference in wording and the law's attitude in your area. No matter how you word it, you leave a couple serious scratches and/or a couple holes in the sheet metal of the offending vehicle. If a personal vehicle, the owner then has to deal with it or pay to have it fixed. A cabbie has to explain the snakebite and/or scratches in his cab. Well, in NYC he may not have to explain anything, but at any rate it makes you feel better, relays a very clear point and hurts less than punching cars. Just a thought.

Anonymous 2:13 said...

time for new socks

Wes said...

Keep it up Snobby.

I spent a lot of my employer's time reading every post of yours from the beginning once I knew of you so that I could, at times, adopt a cone of smugness.

And you're still accessible to those unwilling to put in that sort of effort. (I'd like to see a few more graphs though a la more money than sense. Just sayin'.)

BikeSnobNYC said...

Grog,

It was a one-way street with the bike lane on the left--or I was in England, I forget which.

--BSNYC/RTMS

Anonymous said...

KARA GOUCHER IS HOTTT!!!! And I'm a triathlete that rides a Cervelo!!!!! But I am not a cyclist!!!!!

jolene said...

damn cars aways try to jew you out of more rode space than you can git heres the prolem with that place is that you have no shotfuns an i aways ses that when some ashole in his labarin try to drive neer me i takes my top off and make his ass crash mebbe thats what needs done is some ass showed now an agin to get those fancy ass cars to like us pore foke on the bikes

boy howdy that wood be fan fuckin taastic to shew of my tramp stamps an git ricky jellus

red neckerson said...

i jest red snobbies colom in bicycling magazine and it made me wants to go out and smokes some weed

id do it now but i jest aint motorvated

Jaminben said...

http://philadelphia.craigslist.org/bik/1154622588.html



What the fuck?

rezado said...

Wes

It's their not they're.

Anonymous said...

Clearly the bike is rubbish and wouldn't be desirable to the lamest of thieves but I would guess that the stencil actually adds desirability to this bike and increases the chance of theft not decreases.

WheelDancer said...

Can anyone contribute to your project? I had a close call the other day and thought it would be nice to have a picture since he escaped preventing me from getting his scalp which I would have preferred.

jflo said...

Need to get over this swine flu so i can ride again!

rezado said...

Wouldnt it be awesome if hipsters rode tandem fixedgears? How could we make this trend appealing? Hipsters already have the same look that diamond was rocking in that movie minus the members only jacket.


"Forever in tight blue jeans."

Other Side of the GW said...

To Anon 1:53-
Most cyclists are individuals who prefer solitude but like being around other cyclists. Many of us don't know other people who love to ride for the sake of riding as we do. So Snob's blog has developed into a haven of sorts where those of us who understand each other can connect with others of our kind. As in any team, whether it be cycling or otherwise, there will be inside jokes. So we sometimes adopt Snob's one liners and build upon them, just like the knuckle tattoo comments you'll often see here.

Snob is a funnier writer than he was at first and as any good columnist does, caters to his readers. Many of us need the laughs. I know I often do. So I suggest perhaps it is you that may want to take a Snobbatical and come back when you feel like it. He'll still be here.

Anonymous said...

how do you know he'll still be here

Anonymous said...

i need a snobbatical. i'm tired of people trying to kill me because they want to get to the corner at the same time i do. let's all go on snobbatical. the ride on washington.

Der Blaue Reiter said...

Ok, so I'm not into road racing and have recently thought it'd be kinda fun, but reading that press release back in 2004 I have NO IDEA what they're talking about. What's going on there, the two racers had a conversation and pulled back for fear of scaring the less-experienced riders? WTF? was it some kind of en-route blood oath? how is this a race? Can someone translate roadie-speak for me?

Anonymous said...

Snob also lost to Neil Diamond
but did beat Kara Goucher

Anonymous said...

i don't think definition of a "great fucking writer" includes "catering to his readers". yes, it's a nice public service he is providing on a daily basis, and that's not easy, but claims of greatness are exaggerated

BoCoMike said...

You are on fire lately! Thanks for the great posts.

Anonymous said...

Well, the peleton is like Voltron, when they are all assembled they are almost impossible to defeat. So the breakaway is like a bad guy, but Lance and Simoni arelike the evil masterminds so obviously Voltron would go after the evil masterminds first and in the process get the other bad guys. BUT if Lance and Simoni were to drop back, Voltron wouldn't chase just the henchemen guys because they're not as important and so they get away. Obviously evil masterminds dont trust one anothers powers so they back off together or not at all... got it?

Anonymous said...

Blaue Reiter -- here's your translation, with apologies to the other cogniscenti.

In later stages of the TdF, riders who are far down on the general classification (i.e. no hope of placing high b/c of time already lost) will sometimes vie for some indvidual glory by breaking away from the pack and going for a stage win. This is much more easily done by a small group, because they can draft each other, and then duke it out between themselves at the end after they've built up a good time gap on the peleton. The big guns and high-powered teams often just let 'em go. But if a high-placed rider goes with the break, the high-powered teams are obliged to chase, and the break is doomed. Simeoni was in such a break late in the 2004 TdF, Armstrong was "P'd O" at him because of some allegations he'd made about drugs, and Armstrong chased him down, which made it pointless for him to continue in the break.

g said...

To be perfectly honest, I always thought Snob was drunk when he wrote that on his anniversary. I happen to agree with it, but still it seemed a little out of character and given the celebratory mood, I just accepted it. Besides, who would work on a blog for a year and then say, "Wow, I suck at this. Oh well, there's always next year"?

Voltron said...

sorry wrong Simoni/Simeoni...

Bill said...

please, please kick 'onlytheblogknowsbrooklyn's' blogass next!!! i hate that thing

grog said...

so now i know i will never rock and rub in England where the corrupt crusher cabbies careen carelessly cornering cooperative cobikers.
meh.

Anonymous Commenter said...

Hey Anon 1:53 and 3:22!

I know you! You're that whiny-assed guerilla marketing kid that sucked at his job from a while back. Black-Ops should never be recognizable, as such.

Notably, you're still whiny, and you still suck! Go find another corner to cry in!

BikeSnobNYC said...

Re: Anonymous 1:53,

What could be less of an "inside joke" than a picture of dogs humping? (Figuratively speaking, of course.)

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

Not true. Kara Goucher beat snobbies ass.

Udder said...

That hooded McCain fixie photo is disturbing. It looks eerily like the albino villain in the DaVinci code.

AH said...

McCain looks a lot like the Emperor from Star Wars in that photo.

Sweet.

d. fofonov said...

Kossak in the trenches, I suffer, I suffer miserably.

Bill said...

fizik arione saddles, anyone like or dislike? 80 bucks new, worth it?

Jim said...

Other Side of the GW - I'm totally palping your point, brah.

Wes said...

rezado

I am blushing so much I may be sick. I have swine 'flu. It's my only defence

hillbilly said...

Wes- you could have easily played that off with a hipster aloof claim of irony

hillbilly said...

Wes- you could have easily played that off with a hipster aloof claim of irony

Wes said...

rezado

A better thought - I was being ironic, yes, that's it.

Wes said...

hillbilly

Are you reading my mind? What's it like in there?

hillbilly said...

apparently there is an echo, I can't think of any other reason I would have posted that inanity twice

kale said...

Aww,

I got a response from that Wisconsin radio DJ FCC claim that I filed:

"You are receiving this email in response to your inquiry to the FCC.

Dear Consumer,

The FCC is barred by the First Amendment to the United States Constitution from trying to prevent the broadcast of any point of view, no matter how unpopular or distasteful that point of view may be to most people.

Thank you for contacting the FCC.
"

I guess murdering cyclists is a niche market,

meh

Bill said...

"Dear Consumer" just sounds mean to me.

g said...

Kale,
replace the word 'cyclist' or any derivative thereof with the word 'jew' and see if they'll let you still broadcast it under the first amendment.
just pointin' out the hipocracy is all...

ant1 said...

tara goucher fan - how bout posting links to some goucher pics so that we may see for ourselves?

Sprocketboy said...

Bill: good saddle, good price. Although it depends on what you are rubbing/rocking.

Bill said...

Cannondale CAAD 9 5 is what I palp for my woefully slow races

rezado said...

Wes,

Your mind is filled with gramatical errors and the need to "jump the gun". Haha.

You know what they say about people who live in glass houses... they have to use the neighbors bathroom.

kale said...

Bill-

Maybe you should get on the noseless saddle Burley wagon.

frilly said...

Anon 3:25--

I can't decide if I want to cry or throw up.

leroy said...

Wait a minute.

You mean that wasn't a doggie conga line?

Golly, I guess that really was an inside joke.

I'm so embarrassed.

Bill said...

thanks kale! of course! sometimes the answer is right in front of your nose, or under your...

Anonymous said...

do both. i'm sure you'll feel better.

-Anon 3:25

kale said...

I'm punching every car I see on the ride home. That'll show them!

Just kidding, I'd probably just end up a hostage of some crazy ass Queens resident, taken back to some dungeon in Flushing, subjected to
Lingchi, and finally made into some bomb ass soup dumplings.

Mmm, I know what I'm having for dinnah!

frilly said...

Comparing the ProTour peleton to Voltron?!?

I'm lighting candles to the Madonna di Ghisallo.

Anonymous said...

yes. they're just like Voltron.

Look into the eyes of Jens Voigt and tell me that man is not a lion!

Anonymous said...

Confused. Which one is Sime/ioni?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PwtwCb7Q6RI

Anonymous said...

see frilly?? just watch the video.

One of them is even named Lance!
(i actually had forgotten about that)

Simeoni is the one in the Italian fashions witht he slicked back hair, of course!

-Anon 3:25

Anonymous said...

I enjoyed that Voltron analogy...

Jami said...

saw you blog on the "Buzz list & had to come look. I love this post. Thanks!

Dimmusacio said...

I love the picture of the Jazz dogs video.

Check out my blog and let me know if you would like a link back

Dimmusacios Blog

1Man said...

What quality bikes are Made In America? Are they listed on www.ProudlyMadeInAmerica.com ???

Anonymous said...

I think blog very funny. I see mention on blogging site Jumpda Sharc and had to look. Are you professional writer? Are you professional cycleman? What does palp mean?

sprider said...

Didn't BSNYC/RTMS actually call himself a "good fucking writer"? Not the same as a "fucking good writer"

Anonymous said...

Anon 1:53-
Your reading of this blog is way off and it pissed me off more than it probably should so excuse my pissy tone.
You don't read this like a newspaper which has an obligation to make the case in plain language in the first paragraph and get all the dumb kids uptospeed- you follow along and the jokes grow and morph each day. That's sort of the whole point.
BSYNYC is so consistently funny I can't believe this is only a side gig for our amusement.

theshepherdsdog said...

i GOT hit the other night, I was fine, but dude gave me sixty bucks; which will never happen again

Concord Carpenter said...

ha-ha funny

Luck E. Seven said...

Stands...


A

Luck E. Seven said...

Hammers...


A

Luck E. Seven said...

101st!!!


A

Anonymous said...

Luck E.-

"A century is only a really long bike ride."

Jonathan. said...

speaking of bike salmon, i was riding home last night, minding my own business. I was on a main road at the time. A bike salmon approached, teenaged, scruffy, helmetless, lightless, coming straight at me. Possibly male, but I can't confirm this. As I went to ride around the salmon, its said "Move cunt, I'm not movin'. To which my reply was "you're a cunt, fuck off".
Most eventful commute i've had since i got run over and ended up in casualty for 4 hours. and for the aussies, i was in redfern, inner sydney.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Sprider, your recollection is correct, which led me to postulate that snobbie's day job was scripting porno films. It also led to a reference to the Second Defenestration of Prague, an obscure reference even by this blog's standards.

the hostager said...

that specialized is fucking fresh.

LINGUStheLICKER said...

Num Num Num Num Num (Shiver) Num Num Num Num Num (Wink) Num Num Num Num Num Num Num (Gurgle)

red neckerson said...

better than a nonfucking good writter

theshepherdsdog said...

and..i miss prolly commenting. ive been reading the posts from 2007 and he was commenting frequently. now nothing. is that the prolly from that track blog prollyisnotprobabally? where arrrrrre yooooooou??

Scott said...

If you had been on a dutch bike, you could have rung your bell at the cabbie rather than waiting for him to squash you.

innerlighter said...

But if he was on a Dutch City Bike, he'd not have been to that spot for at least another half an hour.

Seanywonton said...

Commie: That is freakin' hilarious! You truely have your finger on the pulse of the interwebs. Personally I've googled "Brooklyn Carnivore" a lot but I haven't got many hits. There is only 1 blog with no posts.... lame. Would be a great name for a BBQ club.

Bill said...

right you are seany, i'm in, and we could have a 'racing team' as well, be fun to design a bbq splattered kit anyway

D. Harvey said...

Dude, you're hilarious.

7sp said...

In your face, tridorks.

Anonymous said...

I'm totally a bike snob too. I dig it. If you like ringtones go here: Free Ringtonesand get free ringtones!

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Anonymous said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=stRmPH0PbPs

rookieroadracer said...

Jonathan,

How slow do you both need to be going to have a two-sided conversation with a bike salmon in which both sides of the conversation are heard? At a reasonable speed I'd expect you'd have been past him before he finished his sentence, nevermind you having time to reply.

Anonymous said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wAZTLVJSlNw

g said...

hey Eda,
How hard is it to play hang-man in China?
"ummm.... the one that looks like a house?"
"nope! that's your arm!"

Anonymous said...

Never mind the bikes , here`s some Beefheart !

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WLdRh7qdi_g

Anonymous said...

Jack White eat your heart out .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1MnQx80nS9U

Anonymous said...

Sorry about the diversion , music and bikes and all that

Anonymous said...

I'm sure the photo of the UK bike is from cambridge. I recognise the garden, but can't quite place it. Am I right?

mcrmc said...

in england, the phrase 'your mam/bird is a bike' is used to say that she gets around a bit and is ridden a lot. The more commonly used phrase 'Your mam is the town bike' means that everyone has had a go. Therefore, using the phrase 'My other bike is your mum' would quite probably get you a punch down my way. Justifiably, if you ask me. I love my mum. Who else will do my washing?

SirJimArcher said...

Cargo Bike sighting in the Blogosphere! Looks like the Scandinavian Cargo Bike might surpass the Dutch Bike as this months Hot Whip. The kids follow Brooklyn Vegan's opinion as blindly as they do Pitchfork's.

http://www.brooklynvegan.com/archives/2009/04/those_dancing_d.html

Bill said...

wow, the comments on that page were, well, um, something else!

INFORMARMY.com said...

A very beautiful Blog!!!

Bye


Paolo


http://www.informarmy.com
http://paolomarmiroli.blogspot.com

Jonathan said...

Rookieroadracer: I was approaching a red light at the bottom of a hill. the low-life bike salmon was struggling up the hill past me. hence the clear hearing of the exchange of words.

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Anonymous said...

I don't really see that stencil as much of a deterrent. I would just assume it's my Dad's bike.

james said...

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