Friday, January 23, 2009

The Indignity of the Internet: Twitterjacked!

Just days after I discovered that a certain online retailer is using this blog to market yet another inexpensive singlespeed road bike, I've now learned that somebody has taken the liberty of creating a Twitter account in my name:


I'd like to take this opportunity to say, "Hey there! I am not using Twitter." If you're reading this blog you know I'm wordy, and there's absolutely no way I could restrict myself to 140 characters per post. And naturally, since it's not my Twitter account, I can't access it. So, sadly, I must resort to graphical trickery in order to broadcast a message to the perpetrator(s):


Fortunately, though, things aren't all bad. First of all, as of right now my fake Twitter has no updates. So, if Twitter is sort of a modern-day manifestation of what Buddhists call the "monkey mind," then my own mind rests in Zen-like tranquility. Second of all, of the two people following my fake Twitter, one of them is none other than that guy from all the bike riding, Lance Armstrong*:

*Oops, I guess my fake Twitter is following him and not the other way around.



This is a tremendous honor. As you probably know by now, Lance Armstrong is a prodigious Twitterer. In fact, he's sort of the Lance Armstrong of Twitterers. I'm reasonably certain that when he reaches the top of Mont Ventoux in this year's Tour he will be clutching a Blackberry, and that he'll post an update that says, "Listening to Sufjan Stevens, thinking about bread." He even conducted an online poll via Twitter so that readers could vote on wheter his custom LiveStrong Madone would sport black or yellow brake hoods. (In a rare nod to subtlety, black won.) Frankly, I think he should let people vote on every aspect of his equipment choice. Really, who out there wouldn't like to see him ride a Giro d'Italia time trial stage on a Nashbar singlespeed 29er? Still, you've got to give him credit for staying in touch with his fans. Does Jonathan Vaughters let you vote on whether or not he shaves his sideburns? I didn't think so.

Speaking of Armstrong's LiveStrong Madone, I'm sure he finds it somewhat irksome that it falls so far short of the World's Greatest Madone. This becomes abundandly clear when you juxtapose the two:



I mean, Armstrong's bike has a bunch of numbers painted on it and stuff, but it doesn't come anywhere close to reaching the Madone chassis's full potential. How's he supposed to carry small parcels, or see what's behind him? Also, Armstrong himself might take a few cues from the owner of the World's Greatest Madone when it comes to looking "pro:"

Clearly, all that time off the bike has taken its toll. Maybe if he'd spent a little more time riding and a little less time socializing he'd look more like the guy on the right. Oh, and he just got tested again:

I've lost count of how many tests it's been for Armstrong at this point, but rest assured that by the time you finish reading this sentence he's probably been tested another three or four times. I strongly suspect some of these "tests" aren't even legitimate; they're probably obsessive fans who figure out where he's staying and then pretend to be testers just so they can experience the thrill of handling his urine. I also think at some point people may need to come to terms with the fact that he's not doping. Anyone who's seen enough M. Night Shyamalan movies (and managed to stay awake) knows that things are rarely that obvious anyway. If someone's doping in the Armstrong camp, my money's on Chris Carmichael. Now that's a twist.

But even though I had no intention of Twittering, now that my Twitter identity has been stolen from me I kind of wish I could start. It's like how those old shifters can sit in a drawer for years, and then as soon as you sell them you wish you had them. Also, I do a lot of boring things and have a lot of mundane thoughts during the day, and I'd like to broadcast them to the world. So I'd like to announce I'm launching a Twitter rival that will be based entirely on knuckle tattoos. If you think it's tough to compose a 140-character update, then try limiting yourself to eight.

My new social networking tool will be called "Knuckle Twatter:"

KNKLTWTR Get your own knuckles at the knuckle tattoo gun.


Yes, when it comes to Knuckle Twatter, the gloves are truly off. This is two-fisted, bare-knuckle social networking. You'll thrill to updates like these:

ATELUNCH Get your own knuckles at the knuckle tattoo gun.


FEELSICK Get your own knuckles at the knuckle tattoo gun.


JUSTPUKD Get your own knuckles at the knuckle tattoo gun.


FEELBETR Get your own knuckles at the knuckle tattoo gun.

I really think this is going to be hot--until everyone defects to Stevil's bloody arm thing.

157 comments:

Anonymous said...

Podium chasers suck my balls.

Brendan said...

2nd?

Anonymous said...

podium!

aw said...

yeah yeah!!

Anonymous said...

Woot! Woot!

Anonymous said...

6th

Luck E. said...

Lucky 7!

Anonymous said...

and i read it.
READ IT#6

BikeSnobAustin IV said...

What?

Anonymous said...

Top ten... wait...

fantz crazznapper said...

top ten??

Nicole said...

this one is for Sageman

Anonymous said...

best ever

anon1st!

Surly Bastard said...

Podium vultures ...

Anonymous said...

Really, it's M. Night, not M. Knight

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 12:01pm,

Oops.

--BSNYC

smovlov said...

top 20!!

Anonymous said...

TUKA DUMP

Anon 12:01 said...

That's ok. M. Knight is better than Manoj Nelliattu.

Anonymous said...

damn so close

leroy said...

GOOD NITE

Sprocketboy said...

Chris Carmichael doping? That explains some of those recipes in his cookbook.

Adam said...

If you feel the need to start using Twitter, they actually have provisions for re-assigning usernames that have been hijacked. Email 'em.

BikeSnobAustin III said...

Couldn't the fake-BSNYC try to be just a little more original. What about BikeSnobHattiesburg? That's not taken. Posers.

T. McKay Battles said...

DAMN WORK

Lucky 7 said...

EATN CHKN
MUST PUKE

CANT FUCK
LOVE DUMP

KILL JERX
WONT DIE!

BEAT DOWN
TATS RULE

NICK CAVE
BAIL NOUT


A

dslunsford1 said...

Your fake Twitter account shows that BikeSnobNYC is following Lance, not the other way around! That being said, he does read your webpage...
http://twitter.com/lancearmstrong/status/1039040817

He's probably already investigated and figured out that it's not really you. He has that ability, being the Chuck Norris of the cycling community.

Daddo said...

Peanut Butter!

Anonymous said...

PNUT BUTR

TIME TAGO
SEYA LATR

BikeSnobNYC said...

dlunsford1,

Oops again.

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

Really, it's Dslunsford1, not Dlunsford1

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 12:32pm,

I'm going back to bed.

--RTMS

Anonymous said...

Knuckle Twatter?
Bollocks more like.
Snob's a Brit.

Serviceburo said...

The bloody arm thing works great - I never leave it at home. The screen, hoever, has a terrible refresh rate.

Anonymous said...

SHRK JUMP

Anonymous said...

MICRO FONZ

Anonymous said...

SMLL DICK

Luck E. said...

BACK 2BED


A

Daddo said...

yeah duh!

mattoidbunko said...

Black hoods, Twitter, warm steamy urine, Madone, McConaughey....

Here's another Juan Pelota fix for your ironic viewing pleasure (upper left corner "Austin - Texas"):

http://www.mashsf.com/videos.php

I want to induce the first confirmed Lance O.D. What will it look like?

For those about to rock (run, rub and/or roll), we salute you.

innerlighter said...

I was expecting a quiz.
You mean I could have spent last night drinking instead of studying?

Udder said...

If Carmichael is doping, he's taking fat pills.

urchin said...

The sickest thing about the self-cutting website is the Google auto-ads that come up with it.

Why cut in in your arm when you can have it saw-cut into a local sidewalk?

NPJSRABS

ant1 said...

ant1st!

kale said...

LAZY SNOB
HUNG OVER
WONT QUIZ
HISR EDRZ

frilly said...

LOVE 2NAP

Andrew said...

http://img253.imageshack.us/my.php?image=cuttinglh3.jpg

My new knuck-tats said...

YAGR BOMB
FUKN SKNK
MUSL MILK

Anonymous said...

Snobby, it is far more interesting to have someone hijack your identity in a Twitter account than to actually have a Twitter account of your own. Perhaps ironic too...

chad said...

NOMO GTMO

Strayhorn said...

You want to know what really sux?

I have to use Twitter for work.

Anonymous said...

ORNG JLUS

Mental Yentl said...

ISAY OYSH

Anonymous said...

READ YOUR
COPY FRST

Kellen said...

no Friday Fun Quiz :(

Anonymous said...

THIS BLOG

SOOO DUMB

GETA LIFE

RIDE BIKE

santacruzn1 said...

bsnyc, keep up the good work. I die

Bill said...

ANTF IRST

Futon-Revolutionist said...

You should do what Shaq did when he was impersonated on twitter... create a The_Real_BikeSnobNYC account

http://twitter.com/the_real_shaq

Anonymous said...

For all the other pro ballers on the blog:

BLEW KNEE

BikeSnobAustin IV said...

I hope no one borrows my identity.

But if you do then please the only thing that I ask is not to make any disparaging remarks against Mr. Armstrong in my name.

Thank you,

BikeSnobAustin IV

"BikeSnobAustin IV" said...

BROM ANCE

BikeSnobAustin III said...

BikeSnobAustin IV's identity is no secret. He stands in front of Mellow Johnny's with a ukulele singing "All You Haters Suck My Balls" in a deranged loop while sitting on his Magna. Last week we was Tazed by the APD.

bikesgonewild said...

...YAWN SNUZ...

red neckerson said...

GIMME MONEY

yeah i know what yor thinking old red cant count but im telling you here in viper kentucky most folks gots six fingers so we can gets more tit for tat as they say

Cyber-psychoanalyst said...

The continuous posting of inane, unimaginative, basically stupid comments on this site has to come to a halt. Get a life two-wheel derelicts! Quit rocking society into an intellectual pothole.

Anonymous said...

"intellectual pothole"

It's called the bowl...

bikesgonewild said...

...Cyber-psychoanalyst...

...why ???...

Anonymous said...

BIKE BLOG

leroy said...

cyber-psychoanalyst -

What BGW said.

Cyber-psychoanalyst said...

Hey Cyber-psycholanalyst 2:21,

I'm you now. Wrap your mind around that. I hijacked your identity. Now you're fucked.

Cyber-psychoanalyst said...

IAIN TYOU

Mental yentl said...

Anon 1:52-

THEN JUST
DONT READ


Oysh.

Luck E. said...

Psycho anal:

Your comment was an excellent contribution to the inane, unimaginative, and basically stoopid!





Now fuck off.


A

brettok said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

INEE DSEX

brettok said...

Awesome, the owner of The World's Greatest Madone also wears a YJA!

Cyber-psychoanalyst said...

Hey Cyber-psychoanalyst,

Look what you've done, you've fucked me! The Haters are hating on me now.

I'MY OU!!
I'MY OU!!

Commiecanuk said...

I have to admit, Lance's Trek has registered in the range of 3.5 Fz.

From yesterday's post, I'm having some trouble with some bar grips, anyone know where I can buy Lennard Zinn's saliva?

I'm forming a Clif bar Salmonella support group, SHITSTRONG, ...wrist bands pending. I'm open for suggestions of kit colors and design.

YOUR BOSS said...

GET2 WORK

Anon 1:52 said...

Mentl -

PISS OFFU

WANK ERIC

ANDO WHAT

EVER IWAN

TODO DICK

HEAD DORK

Anonymous said...

I have Lance saliva and urine for sell. Both are yellow.

Anon 1:52 said...

SORR YTHA

WASM EANM

ENTA LIAP

OLOG IZE!

Mental Yentl said...

Hi Anon 1:52,

No.

Anon 1:52 said...

BUTI WASH

AVIN GFUN

Sawmill worker said...

THIS SUX

Critical Ass said...

IJRK DOFF

ant1 said...

commie, how about brown bracelets with color bleed technology.

DIAR RHEA

BikeSnobAustin V said...

Well at least they won't hijack my name...

frilly said...

Count me in, CC. I ate two mini Crunchy Peanut Butter bars the day CN announced the recall.

DAMN CLIF

Has anybody who filled out the on-line form heard from Clif yet? Just wonderin'.

Anonymous said...

Knuckle Poetry is far better than a "double decker"

RIDE THIS
BIKE BLOG
OVER ROAD
NVER STOP
MSFR ILLY
UNDR WEAR
LENN ZINN
WHAT EVER
THIN KMEH

Cyber-psychoanalyst said...

This blog is lacking sense, significance, or ideas and silly of inane questions and empty, of a void that is something that is empty or void, the void of the bowl.

You should stop the bromidic, common, dull as dishwater, flat, hackneyed, pabulum, pedestrian, tedious, trite, uncreative, uninspired, unoriginal, unromantic, and vanilla filled discussion and ride a bike.


Hey fucker, see this. I got a life now, and it's you. I'm still you Cyber-psychoanalyst.

Anonymous said...

DRIV ECAR
WORK SLOW
POOA TWRK
TALK LONG
LONG LNCH
DISA PEAR
LEAV ERLY

frilly said...

ANON 3:01
KISS 4YOU

Kendall said...

Just noticed that you have anothr poser, someone is twittering under the psuedonym bsnyc. And strangely enough, they are following bikesnobnyc.

bikesnobviper said...

i think reds gots a new name

GG said...

RTMS is still available for twitter.

For a price...

ASSF UCKN
BUTT LIKN
CUNT SUKN
MSTR BATN

bikesgonewild said...

...haters offer nothing but- - -

...BLOG BLAH...

grog said...

dingleberry
juxtapose
prodigious

MNKY MIND

Anonymous said...

100 yea

RM said...

HEAD ACHE
REAL SICK
BEND OVER
CLIF SHIT

NAKD CHIK
NICE TITS
TRCK STND
RIDE FIXD

BIKE SNOB
SIC' BLOG
NEVR STOP
RIDN HARD

KEEP RUBN

RM

Anonymous said...

Could it be that Lance himself has stolen you identity on twitter. The ultimate irony?

Anonymous said...

that would not be the "ultimate" irony....man, i love this blog, but it is really killing irony.

RM said...

Knuckle Tat Poetry.

What's up now?

RM

Anonymous said...

HAI KU

RM said...

Anon 3:01,

Yours was good too. Respect.

Sometimes I don't read before I write, it's kind of like not thinking before you speak.

Rub on.

RM

Anonymous said...

Is it safe to assume http://twitter.com/BSNYC is also not you?

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
leroy said...

Commie --

Seconding Ant1st's suggestion for a bracelet for the Clif bar support group and proposing a color: bridle path tan.

Cyber-psychoanalyst --

I feel your pain: Blogosphere condemnation, identity confusion, admonitions to get a life without any direction as to where you might find a life.

It can make quite a winter of discontent.

May I suggest a seasonal pick-me-up to sail you through the doldrums of despair?

Do-it-yourself electric shock therapy.

All you need is a pickup truck, some jumper cables, a snow drift, and barefeet.

You hook the cables to your earlobes (positive to the left, negative to the right for variegated mania; reverse the hook up when treating bipolar disorders).

Make sure you hook the other end of the negative jumper cable to the engine block for grounding and not to the battery. You can never be too careful in medical matters.

Now all you need is a friend to gun the engine while you stand barefoot in the snow drift.

Okay, so that last requirement may be difficult for you.

But with perseverance, I'm sure you will find someone to help you out.

Why not contact Mr. Neckerson and see if he can borrow Ricky's pick up?

Anonymous said...

It's cute that Cyber-psychoanalyst got a Thesaurus for Christmas. He's doing quite well, fine, fit, flourishing, fresh, great, hale, able-bodied and blooming with his new words...

bikesgonewild said...

...sarah palin thinks "thesaurus-es" roamed the earth 6,000 years ago...

...& leroy...in red neckerson's red-neck of the woods, that's called a "pick-up pick-y'all-up"...

Anonymous said...

Is anyone else obsessed with the owner of the World's Greatest Madone?

S. Palin said...

Fuck you, asshole.

Anonymous said...

When Mark Gunter took that picture of Lance's ride, someone took the time to line up spoke pairs with the fork and seat stays. Someone should have found a better patch of grass for a background.

bikesgonewild said...

...just remember, babe, the russians can see yer house...

...just sayin'...

Anonymous said...

Hey Bike Snob NYC, Before you select for good the title "Knuckle Twatter" you might want to have a gander at a dictionary (a Brit's slang one might be best) for the second word and its derivative.

Matt! said...

RIDE SAFE
THIS WKND

Cyber-psychoanalyst said...

Anon 4:45

I'm cyber-psychoanalyst II. And I didn't get a new Therasaurus. I went to thesaurus.com, entered inane, and cut and past. That IS the joke. I am a parody Cyber-psychoanalyst 2:21, a reflection, a murky, blurry mirror image.

This is on you Cyber-psychoanalyst I. Fucker.

Anonymous said...

FSU 2009

Anonymous said...

KNUK TWAT

rashid el-kaboom said...

mr america president barack hussein obama is pleased to let the entire political prisoner population here @ guantanamo.
while your beautiful city of new york is cold, can we come to live there with you ? we'll be good, promise. we're just mis-understood. alla akbar

Anonymous said...

I'm so afraid of the terrorisss. I'm a giant pussy.

Anonymous said...

i have an idea...how about bikesnobla, bikesnobdc, bikesnobhk, or bikesnobbj.

Cyber-psychoanalyst II said...

Cyber-psychoanalyst 2:21

Just so you know, I hijacked you fucker.

BikeSnobAustin IV said...

Anon 7:36

That's your idea.

Or

That's your idea?

innerlighter said...

Mr. Snobby,
May I offer you my most sincere apologies for the egregious use of the uncouth vernacular by an unknown number of prosaic ruffians who have, on this otherwise fine Friday, seen fit to highjack your comments section and sully it with verbal manifestations of their own horrific personal trauma, festering inner demons, and unresolved issues with their mothers, thereby rendering this usually pleasant environ of witty discourse down to the level of their own PBR-addled taunting.

Not that there is anything inherently wrong with PBR.

For future reference, it would seem that Friday Quizzes keep the riff-raff out.

-Yours meh-ly


note-No copies of Websters were harmed in the production of this comment.

flynn said...

wgMA DONE
shrk jump

joe said...

AYHC SMB!

Anonymous said...

JUST READ
GRAT BLOG
FEEL BETR
TANX SNOB

housemother armstrong said...

first off, bikes are fun. they kick ass.

second off, lighten up yall. please dont take lennard zinn and grant peterson too seriously. they muddy up the fun with their pontifications and minutiae.

enjoy this blog, and if you dont like this blog then make your own.

leroy said...

housemother armstrong --

If not for Lennard Zinn, I would never have known that I had been lubing my chain incorrectly all these years.

Imagine my joy upon discovering that one puts a drop on each link starting from the frame side and working outward and that one should lube after every ride and sometimes several times during a rainy ride.

And never with wax.

But maybe that last piece of advice concerned hair removal.

Anonymous said...

KNEE FUKD
VERY SAD!
READ BLOG
VERY FUNY
FEEL BETR
THKS SNOB

Anonymous said...

knckltwttr- isn't that "god" in hebrew?

red neckerson said...

ok me and ricky decided wed lighten up

we gots some hydrogen gas and put it in our bike tires

i gots real fear when ricky decides to light a fart while were riding hes flexible and can do shit like that

EndlessBikeCo. said...

There is a Bike Snob registered for SSWC09. If it's not you, I just thought you might like to know.
http://sswc09.files.wordpress.com/2009/01/09-startlist.pdf

nedwellen said...

DUDES --- have you seen this shit?
http://i44.photobucket.com/albums/f9/mrvista/bicycle-film-festival-girl-posse.jpg
I had no idea pfarrs were such hussy magnates, too bad they're so fucking expensive. running period dress/facial hair probably helped his case some, but damn.

Anonymous said...

bsnyc could be an ex cow pat, but if he was real english he would have mentioned churning up the grass on the local golf course green as part of his ride to work.

bikegonewilde said...

IAMS OGAY

House Mother Armstrong II said...

House Mother Armstrong,

I hijacked your identity just to say fuck you.

1. "bikes are fun"

It's not very much fun loving something that the_real_lance_armstrong does so well.

2. Don't take me too seriously. I only muddy up the fun.

3. If you don't like the comments posted on this blog then thank you for your advice.

Anonymous said...

what no quiz this weekend?

Anonymous said...

my girlfriend just farted

Ha ha said...

GIRL FART

Anonymous said...

BLUE BALL

Nike said...

JUST DOIT

brettok said...

JUST DONT

Anonymous said...

FIST F*?K

Nick said...

BAaaaahh...


And I like M.Night movies...

Anonymous said...

WHAT WORK

Anonymous said...

LOTA BEER
LAST NITE
HEAD ACHE
SOME JAVA
BAGL NLOX
ALLS WELL

Anonymous said...

http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sfc/bik/1006986551.html

god i hope to tear this one apart...

Everyone in Williamsburg said...

THNX DADY
FODA NICE
TRUS FUND
JUST KIDN

Cankles and Low Q-Factor said...

I thought "Kankle Twatter"

Anonymous said...

коттедж
восстановление зрения
зеленый лазер
электрошокер

dinoibo said...

Sesli sohbet Sesli chat
Seslisohbet Seslichat
Sesli sohbet siteleri Sesli chat siteleri
Sesli Chat
Sohbet Sesli siteler
Sohbet siteleri Chat siteleri
Sohbet merkezi chat merkezi
Sesli merkezi sesli Sohbet merkezi
Sesli chat merkezi Sohbetmerkezi
Sesli Sohbet Sesli Chat
SesliSohbet Sesli chat siteleri
Sesli sohbet siteleri SesliChat
Sesli Sesli siteler
Seslimuhabbet sesli muhabbet
sesli sohbet sesli chat siteleri
sesli sohbet siteleri sesli chat
seslisohbet seslichat
seslikent sesli kent
sesli sohbet sesli sohbet siteleri
sesli chat sesli chat siteleri
seslisohbet seslichat

Anonymous said...

коттедж
восстановление зрения
зеленый лазер
электрошокер

Anonymous said...

Here what i found -> vision correction

ekle paylas said...

nice blog Thanks for sharing. voicesohbet was really very nice.
sesli chat siteleri sesli sohbet
sesli sohbet siteleri sesli chat
seslichat seslisohbet
sesli siteleri chat siteleri
sohbet siteleri sesli siteler
voice sohbet sesli sohbet siteleri
sesli sohbet seslisohbet
sohbet siteleri sesli chat siteleri
seslichat sesli chat
herkesburda herkes burda
sohbetmerkezi sohbetmerkezi