Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The Times They Are A-Rockin': The Future of Rock Racing

If you commute by bicycle in New York City, it will interest you to know that Access-a-Ride vans continue to get into trouble. First, I witnessed one getting pulled over. Shortly thereafter, a reader witnessed an Access-a-Ride van being rear-ended by an Access-a-Ride car. Then, just this morning, I saw this:


I don't know what happened, but it must have been serious because an Access-a-Ride supervisor arrived on the scene moments later:

I have to admit that I found the pretense that Access-a-Ride drivers are actually under supervision kind of charming, though I was disturbed by the presence of the ambulance since I don't like it when people get hurt. (At least physically.) At first I assumed the Access-a-Ride driver had hit somebody, but then I noticed that the driver was neither in his van nor in the police car, so I'm now going with the theory that the driver overdosed on whatever drug all these guys are taking and needed to be hospitalized. As such, I'm going to wish him a speedy detoxification and recovery. With any luck, he'll be well enough to kill again soon.

And while Access-a-Ride may be the "bad boys" of public transportation, Rock Racing are surely the "bad boys" of the pro bike racing circuit. However, it's possible that their days of ectoplasm-hued rebellion may be numbered, for yesterday I saw this:


Alarmed, I immediately made the Twitter rounds to see if there was any more info, and my first stop was Rock Racing's own feed:


While it does say they will "continue to race in 2009," it doesn't say who will be racing, or what races they'll be doing, or even what they'll race. For all we know Rock Racing is planning to become America's baddest competitive pigeon squad next year. And while a bunch of pigeons in neon-green lycra may be just the kind of shake-up that the American Racing Pigeon Union needs, it ain't bike racing, and that's what we all care about.

Thinking perhaps some pro riders were talking, my next stop was Lance Armstrong's Twitter, but all I learned was that he's been eating huge food and undergoing relentless drug-testing:


Incidentally, as of last Friday Armstrong had been tested once every 8.6 days since announcing his comeback, which put the Lance Armstrong Drug Test Index (LADTI) at 8.6. But with yesterday's test, the LADTI has dropped to 8.2. At this rate, the LADTI will be at 0 by the time the 2009 Tour de France starts and he'll be forced to race in one of those stillsuits from "Dune" so that he can be kept in a constant state of urinalysis.

Next I checked in with George Hincapie:

I found Hincapie to be loving life. Moreover, he was obviously either unaware of or unconcerned with the possible fate of Rock Racing. I'm not sure if the "hot stone massage" means he was being pelted with hot stones, or if he was simply getting stoned and having a massage in the sauna. If the former, I suppose he's developed a fondness for that sort of thing after his many crashes in Paris-Roubaix. If the latter, it's lucky for him that he's evidently not subject to the same level of testing as Armstrong. I do hope Hincapie is as forthcoming as Armstrong in that regard, though, because I'd be very interested to know the GHDTI as well.

Obviously I wasn't going to learn anything about Rock Racing from Hincapie, so I figured maybe Dave Zabriskie, the peloton's most ironic rider, might have something to say:

Well, true to form, Zabriskie was slinging plenty of irony (it doesn't get more ironic than listening to "Oliver!"), but he wasn't dishing out any dirt on Rock Racing. I was intrigued by his egg nog reference, though. Does he mean that he got some bad egg nog, then went to Chipotle? Or is he saying that they have bad egg nog at Chipotle? In either case, though, egg nog is surely the most ironic of the nogs, and it's definitely orders of magnitude more ironic than "traditionally" ironic beverages like Pabst. I bet he even had an ironic egg nog moustache after he drank it.

It was beginning to dawn on me that I was wrong to be focussing on the older riders. (Even Zabriskie is pushing 30). The truth is, they're too complacent to care about their Rock Racing brethren. Instead, they're wallowing around bloated on success, face-sized burritos, hot stone massages, and egg nog. No, I had to see what the younger generation had to say. So I checked in with Taylor Phinney:


Taylor's youthful energy was clearly boundless, and I found him to be alternately "chillin" and "slaying" with abandon. (Old people "rock" and "run;" young people "chill" and "slay.") But not even Taylor had anything to say about the possible demise of Rock Racing.

At this point I was despondent. Sure, I've been critical of Rock Racing. Sure, I've poked fun at Michael Ball. I suppose in my darkest moments I've even hoped for the demise of the team. But now that it's a possibility, I find I don't want it to happen. Not this way. Darn it, even if their style is more UFC than UCI I've grown attached to Ball and his pack of freaks. In fact, the possibility of their disappearance makes me so sad that I've created a Rock Racing Virtual Nostalgia Kit:



The BSNYC/RTMS Rock Racing Virtual Nostalgia Kit:

Step 1: Launch this video, pause, and lower the volume all the way.

Step 2: In a new window, launch this video. Make sure the volume is high, play video, and then minimize the window.

Step 3: Return to the video in Step 1. Press play, watch with the new soundtrack, and commence uncontrollable sobbing.

I dare you not to be moved.

Regardless of what happens to Rock Racing though, it's clear they're going to have to change their approach. After all, we're in a recession now. Bling has blung. Austerity is the new chic, and even Michael Ball is going to have to fall in line. The first thing he should do is re-evaluate his equipment choice. Last year, Rock Racing rode De Rosa King 3s. Not only that, but they actually paid for many of the bikes themselves. And that's a lot of money. (Sure, they may be moving on to Fuji next year, but who knows what that sponsorship entails, or if it's still even on offer. Even Fugis might be too expensive given the tough economic climate.) To determine how much Rock Racing may have actually spent on bicycles this past year, I built up a similarly-equipped De Rosa King 3 on Wrenchscience:



Though I was forced to make some different component choices due to availability, you'll note that a De Rosa King 3 even more conservatively-equipped than the Rock Racing bike costs over $8,000:


That's why Michael Ball and Rock Racing should seriously consider competing on Bikesdirect bicycles next year. My personal recommendation is the Windsor Falkirk with Ultegra SL:



At $895.95, that's only $21,502.80 to supply a 24-man squad. $21,502.80 won't even buy three DeRosas! And with that kind of savings, you can even outfit the whole team with training bikes, too. Of course, we are in a recession, so giving each rider his own training bike might be a bit extravagant. That's why I recommend this tandem frame from Chucksbikes:


That's 24 riders, two riders per frame, for a total cost of $4,200. Not only is it cost-effective, but it's also a team-building exercise, and it's way cheaper than sending the whole team to Tenerife to go surfing or something. Because at the end of the day, it's all about racing bikes. And for 2009, frugality is the new extravagance.

125 comments:

Morgan said...

faired lowracer FTW

Pulverized Concepts said...

almost

Anonymous said...

!

ant1 said...

ant1st!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Top Ten!

fantz crazznapper said...

top tenspeed

Anonymous said...

Higher podium.

Booya!

Anonymous said...

top ten

ant1 said...

The cop that knocked the cyclist down at critical mass has been indicted. I hope he goes to jail and gets indickted.

Johnny Sprocket said...

Top Ten... uh, oh.. testers a comin'

Anonymous said...

another top ten? enough points to upgrade!

Matt! said...

1st mobile!

Anonymous said...

Woot! Woot!

mary poppins said...

im too old for this racin'

Anonymous said...

How much rock could a rock racer rock if a rock racer could rock rock?

bike snob mpls said...

just as long as i ain't #13

libertyonbikes! said...

so does this mean buy up all the rock racing kits you can because in ten years or better, twenty it'll be looked back on with fondness and be 'collectible'?

Anonymous said...

Speaking of the recession, it seems the fixed-gear market is growing at an outrageous rate...to the tune of $3000 for this:
http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/bik/959681103.html

Hopefully someone has money left over to pay the hospital bills after the Spinergy wheels disintegrate.

libertyonbikes! said...

post should be:
'Have a Ball!
Rock Racing clearance sale!
just in time for gift giving!'

gilmour1 said...

All you haters suck Michael Ball...

GenghisKhan said...

Maybe MB just needs to up the price of his jerseys--they're already selling 'em too low as it is...

Pulverized Concepts said...

Everybody is just overreacting! Invest in precious metals and buy my bikes.

Anonymous said...

I hate to be that guy, but the grammar here got all redundanty:

"whatever drug all these guys are all taking"

Peace.

Surly Bastard said...

Top twentifourium.

Anonymous said...

As usual the whole irony thing is beyond my limited brain capacity, so I'll second your Bikesdirect recommendation at my peril. My nephew got his first mountain bike from them and, it rocks -- nice parts, solid build, excellent price.

Secondly, the DeRosa. How can a bike that costs that much weigh nearly 19 pounds when Tour bikes hover at the weight limit?

Critical Ass said...

I hope Hooters and all the local "Gentlemen's Clubs" have enough opeinings for Ball's ex-employees.

Anonymous said...

Ah-ha -- the weight thing on the DeRosa. Now I see there are two sets of wheels. The DT Swiss lack hubs, but, now it makes sense.

bloodline said...

@critical ass micheal balls employees are not strippers they're whores....prostitutes in the dark alley, not the bright lights

Anonymous said...

For a long time I've thought originality to be a dead concept in creative ventures. First it was movie remakes, then 'ironic' cover songs by 'ironic' bands. Now it appears that every city in the US (and beyond, thanks interweb!) is likely going to have Bike Snob attached to its initials/name in bloggerville.
BSNYC, those better be some looooong coat tails trailing behind you.

Mister Grammar said...

@anon 1:25

Good catch, thanks.

Move along people, nothing to see here.

shmaltz herring said...

Here's where things get really weird. Michael Ball, the English singer and actor, recorded a version of "Arthur's Theme (Best That You Can Do)" on his "Back to Bacharach" album. Any relation to Rock Racing's Michael Ball? I don't know, but it seems like more than a mere coincidence to me.

Drew Scott said...

The rumor about Rock Racing folding is untrue, according to bicycledotnet's twitter, http://twitter.com/bicycledotnet.

Enhancement Smoker said...

Rock Racing might be folding...bwaa ha ha ha!!! I KNEW this trainwreck couldn't last!

Anonymous said...

woogie

Ralphy said...

Snob, surely you know of the Benny Hill-ifier which will seamlessly add Yakety Sax to any YouTube video?

Here's the site:
http://tinyurl.com/5sbldy

Here's an example:
http://tinyurl.com/6h758k

Enjoy!

Anonymous said...

top 35!

nolucker said...

Snob, was that photo of the access Ride taken on Flatbush Ave?

Philboy said...

Real men don't twitter

kale said...

Shit.

Times are tough for everyone, my boss caught me stealing office thumbtacks to put through my old tires for traction. Now how am I going to get home?

I feel Micheal Ball's pain.

Anonymous said...

Did Dave Z use the word 'altercocker' in a twitter entry...too funny.

Brian said...

Tandem! That's great! I'd pay up to see that sprint finish.

red neckerson said...

all you haters meet my boy duke

Anonymous said...

At the end of the day, Eustice's nickname is still Useless, as it was back when he raced, and still applies at the end of the day.

g said...

I started to twitter once, but I stopped before I posted. I swear.

Bill said...

i'm guessing 4th ave, no lucker

Strayhorn said...

I think, in our own version of Google bombing, that we should all sign up for Twitter accounts and then post an item about Rock Racing going bust.

If it's on enough RSS feeds, it will most likely come to pass. A modern prophecy!

leroy said...

I'm sure the Access-A-Ride driver simply stopped at the Hess station to purchase this holiday season's Hess truck.

Given the scarcity, I'm sure the driver called his supervisor to alert him that the new Hess trucks have dropped.

That probably explains the presence of the ambulance driver as well.

kale said...

Bill-

Union and 4th. For all you would be Snob spotters, dress up as a nonplussed shikze and he's bound to stop.

Bill said...

ah yes, union and 4th, home of the college diner or whatever the hell that place that i've never eaten at is called, and the bodega with the same crappy beer selection as every other NY bodega, and the horde of pedestrians streaming off the Never and Rarely lines glaring at me in a disapproving manner....i don't think i'm in a good mood today, i'll shutup now.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Who the hell goes to Chipotle for the eggnog?

Jim said...

The Falkirk Grace

Some hae bike, an' rode for Mike,
Now they wad ride but cannae;
Gi'us BikesDirect, than pay to ride,
An' let the Lord be thankit.

- Graeme Obree

kale said...

Egg Knog?

sorry.

wishiwasmerckx said...

I hope that Rock Racing does not fold before their $18,000.00 bike hit Harrods. I was hoping to go in on one with some of the regular posters here, then ship the bike all over the country (world?) like some sort of mobile timeshare unit.

Jay said...

Your natural talent for pairing videos to music is uncanny.

Jim said...

Who the hell goes to Chipotle for the eggnog?

Zabriskie, obviously. Thinking him insane, they probably gave him a cup full of carnitas and mole sauce. Which explains why Zabriskie thought the eggnog was kind of lumpy, though the red color was in keeping with the season.

bk jimmy said...

Bill & Kale,

Sorry to ruin your snob hunt, but if that was 4th ave there'd be a median.

Bill said...

i'm certainly not on a snob hunt, i prefer the not knowing, but it is 4th and union, just taken across the union side

Lucky 7 said...

Jeez, I thought Rock Racing was rocking those Cadillac Escalade bikes that came with their ugly ass team vehicks. Still could for a huge savings over the 8K per DeRosa.

BTW- Do the RR Alibi blankets come with Snuggli sleeves? I could sure SLEIGH one a those right about now...


A

bk jimmy said...

Ahh, with 4th ave behind you. That would make sense.

bikesgonewild said...

...'nog, nog'...

..."who's there ???"...

...'dave zabriske, that's who'...

..."dz, yer nutz !!!"...

...'season's greetings & hey, now you know the main ingredient in my chamois creme'...

dmitri fofonov said...

Americans not knowing frugality since days of Stalin. We miss Team Lada of old and soon to be again Soviet Union. Entire team being transported in two old Romanian built cars called Dacia, not so powerful as gas powered Weed Wacker. Youth hostels also being used for team stays and meetings. Having access to fine mail-order American bikes, Team Lada is to be kicking ass.

Surly Bastard said...

I'm saving up for the new ROCK RACING BANKRUPT team jerseys and bibs since they create new kits for every event and special occassion.

I'm hoping for a sublimated pickle barrel for the jersey and a bare-ass with tats on the butt cheeks that read:I "I've lost my ass selling $262 jeans in a bad economy" artwork for the bibs.

kale said...

bk-

I can't have a snob hunt there, I'm not allowed south of metro after that indecent with an angry Polish, but that's right near the union stop.

angry polish said...

that was you?

frilly said...

bgw-that's just sick, I don't think I'll be drinking any egg nog this year.

Lucky--D'ya think those gloves come with a keychain?

TheLaterneRouge said...

I'm saving up for the new ROCK RACING BANKRUPT team jerseys and bibs since they create new kits for every event and special occasion.

They're already out there:

TheLaterneRouge said...

here's the link:
www.cafepress.com/StopRacing

wishiwasmerckx said...

Kale, be careful. Angry Polish is good friends with Weary Portugese.

Bune said...

I pushed play, minimized, and promptly spit my ironic orange julius all over my screen.

Weary Portugese said...

what?! oh fine, if you say so.....

your mother said...

'focusing' only has one 's'. cheers!

your mother said...

'focusing' only has one 's'. cheers!

Daddo said...

gotta get me a stop racing t-shirt

Anonymous said...

At the end of the day, as long as Rock Racing is still racing, that is all that really matters. Especially at this time of year. God bless us, every one...

Anonymous said...

it's ironic that when you open up rockracing.com it says "rock racing" "here to stay."

Anonymous said...

the rock racing team should just drive those escalades and pulverize everyone they race against.

ant1 said...

Anon 4:55 - you mean like that race in mexico where the drunk driver plowed into the peloton? I don't think that tactic is UCI sanctioned, so the continental rock racing team will just have to dope like everyone else if they want to win races. The rock racing club team might want to look into it though.

bk jimmy said...

Kale

Well, be careful north of Metropolitan. Plenty of Polish up in greenpoint, and might could be a few angry.

Bill said...

Taylor seems a bit obsessed with Ben King. The way he repeats his name over and over is reminiscent of certain opinionated cyclist we know.

Critical Ass said...

Somewhere in NYC an aspiring young hip-hop artist has just traded an eight ball of coke and a stolen 808 (Zipp or Roland, take your pick) for a shiny fully customized Escalade that already smells like Axe body spray and bad pussy.

axe this said...

BADP USSY

Jim said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jim said...

>>>Jeez, I thought Rock Racing was rocking those Cadillac Escalade bikes that came with their ugly ass team vehicks.

I think the correct moniker descriptive of that type of conveyance, at least among Fugi-tives*, is "dey skank ass wips, yo."

Not to be an insufferable pedant, or anything.


*Fugi-tive (n): (1) white male post-adolescent corn-fed Iowan who lives in Williamsburg, briefly rode a bicycle, and speaks authentic Jive based on extensive studies of MTV's Cribs, the dialogue of competitors on Madden Nation, a P.Diddy CD, and Stuart Scott's monologue on Monday Night Football; (2) a tragic bicycle name mis-spelling common among the indigenous hipster population of Craigslist, akin to common embarassing mis-spellings such as Colognago, Penirello, and Trek.

leroy said...

In time the Rockies may tumble, Gibralter may crumble,
They're only made of clay.
But Rock Racing is here to stay.

Anonymous said...

ant1 you moron

Bill said...

i think ella and louis just rolled over in their graves.

Andy Pandy said...

Pigeons in skin tight green lycra is down right obscene.

Maybe egg nog is a secret password in the pro peleton for far more sinister substances. Hot stones are code for exactly what ???? . And 40 year old crappy musicals…. Something is a foot in cycling and the wires are a buzzing. We need Russ Crowe from a Beautiful Mind to piece these snippets floating around the pro ranks ether and find out really what is happening… Rock is going to make a dash for the head honcho Pat Mac ( slaying some Euro trance that is not a nice thing to say about him) , take him out in a blaze of Uzi auto gun fire and set up a new regime … time for the medication already

Tex said...

That Fuji TT bike looks a bit familiar...

http://goodschats.blogspot.com/2008/02/design-icon-spacelander-electric.html

Cameron said...

Chuck's Bikes Rocks!

Random Prig said...

Jim, "insufferable pedant" is rather redundant, don't you think?

Gad.

frilly said...

AP, if you start saying bikesnob repeatedly, you might want to consider some therapy to go along with the meds.

Just carin' also.

Anonymous said...

article on irony
http://hilariousduck.wordpress.com/2008/11/12/i-am-ironic-man-by-kevin-egan/

kale said...

The Polish was the one that started the trouble, but not exactly whom I have trouble with. Someone said "Służą mnie prostytutka siostry piwa." and next thing I knew we were drunkenly stumbling to the Fulton stop... quickly.

I think it was the Portuguese that was offended, come to think of it, but he wasn't very weary. Those Jaegerbombs sure get on top of you.

Russ said...

$895 for a Ultegra SL equipped complete? That's fairly astounding, is it not? Guess maybe it's time to finally upgrade to 10.

Anonymous said...

From yesterday:

"Dick Pound is the greatest name ever."

"Dick Cocks" also rates quite well. When I was in high school back in the 60s/early 70s, we had a geography teacher by that name, I kid you not. And he played rugby union for Australia (this being quite a popular football code here). I was going to Google his name to see what comes up, but I'm at work.

Anonymous said...

yeah, i'm confused by bikesdirect, what's the downside?

Andy Pandy said...

All a plot to install the deposed king ( LA) back into his rightful throne and throw the villians into dungeons. OC-OC-OC rocks and little men are climbing up the walls

leroy said...

It's very clear, Rock Racing's here to stay.
Not for a year, but at the end of the day,
The radio and the Opinionated Cyclists that we know
May all be passing fancies that fade away.
But, oh my dear, Rock Racing's here to stay.

(Sorry, but it's raining/snowing in Brooklyn and I couldn't resist singing in the shower.)

leroy said...

Together we're going a long, long way.

Because...

leroy said...

Rock Racing's here to stay.

(100)

Note to self: Must remember not to glue tires in poorly ventilated area.

innerlight said...

@Russ and anon 8:57

"what's the downside?"

Well, do you remember what happened to the Blues Brother's old police cruiser at the end of the chase scene...?



meh.

Anonymous said...

Rock Racing's here to stay. All you haters suck Michael Ball.

Anonymous said...

Just chilling and slaying on my p-far.

Sunken said...

More nonsense. Check out this blog if you love or hate bikesnobs. http://thetruthhurts-sunken.blogspot.com/

Ronsonic said...

Snob, I checked out the Rock Racing vid with your soundtrack and almost wet myself laughing.

Then I watched it with the official soundtrack. No difference.

Some Guy on the Innernets said...

Sunken, you are clearly not repeating "Bikesnob" often enough. Watch the OC. The man is a master.

streepo said...

I had an english teacher in high school whose name was Harry Wiener.

Anonymous said...

Sorry Snob, but you got a bad link. You erroneously linked to the Heighliner and not the stillsuit.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heighliner#Stillsuit

Thirsty death for you in the desert I'm afraid.

Anonymous said...

Top 110!!! (I was out of town yesterday)

Harry Wiener said...

So that was an ad for some skanky pants? I thought it was a Cadillac commercial. Now I'm all confused.

ryan said...

this picture gives a completely new perspective on wheels.

http://albums.phanfare.com/demoncats/2917233#imageID=-51296553

please note that the general design is suspiciously similar to the one of an aerospoke. now WHO has been compying WHO is the question.

greetings from switzerland

ryan said...

oh, fifth row, third colum

grog said...

I like to race rocks.
I always win the nog.

Commiecanuk said...

Dick Pound,
Dick Rocks.
Meh. The King is still NASCAR's Dick Trickle.

So Mike Ball contributes to the three great lies:
1. you don't look fat in that
2. $200 jeans are totally worth it.
3. Rock Racing, here to say until #1, #2 are no longer valid.


So far, the events of 2008 have led to: Detroit executives forced to drive their shitty cars to beg for money; A total douchebag losing his racing team; closing of overpriced restaurants world wide; massive unemployment for car salesmen, and the near bankruptcy of Rolls Royce autos; SUV resale values plummeting. So this recession is bad?

Best topical joke heard in Ottawa: bet you GW Bush is glad he didn't invade Holland!

bk jimmy said...

Commie,

Dick really isn't helping himself with that choice of nickname. I mean, he could call himself, say, "Rich Trickle."

Hmmm. Maybe just stick with Dick. So to speak.

Anonymous said...

top 120!

moonshiner said...

dick trickle grew up and dirt track raced near my birthplace... i know the dick trickle well, good man

kale said...

"...massive unemployment for car salesmen..."

What? I thought they were paid on commish anyhow. I hope they don't start working at my LBS. "What can I do to get you into this Big Dummy today? I'll throw in some Xtracycle bags. How 'bout a heavy duty chainstay protector?"

Lucky 7 said...

Thanks Jim.

Dey skank ass whips need a wipe, yo.


A

Commiecanuk said...

Kale..

"Steel certainly is real, but you'll need undercoating with that Rivendell"

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