Monday, December 15, 2008

Passing Judgment: Platitudes, Pictures, and Patches


A wise man once said, "Judge not lest ye be judged."  That man, of course, was Jamie Farr.  The message and the medium may have changed over the years, but the meaning is essentially the same.  No longer are sermons delivered on mounts; instead, they are spelled out on rims.  And, as you can see above, they are sometimes even written in tape on the sides of rental trucks.  (At least this seems to be the case in Florida, or as it is more colloquially known, "America's Teat.")  Still, both are essentially variations of the Golden Rule, and it's as relevant now as it was way back in Jamie Farr's time.  For verily, Farr also said, "Let he who is without love suck the first ball."

But it's not always possible to live up to the high ethical standards of our forebears, especially when there is so much to hate, and particularly when so much of it can be found on Craigslist.  Just a few items that are nearly enough to drive one to disregard even the deplorable prospect of ball-sucking include:


GT/ gtb Track Bike - $700 (Williamsburg)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-12-09, 5:37PM EST

57cm Aluminum GT Track Bike with suzue flip flop free wheel/fixed gear hub, spin front wheel, campy record head set. This bike is no longer made. Collectors item.
steve
917-676-[deleted]

Just because something is no longer made does not necessarily mean it is a "collectors item."  After all, the GTB was just another inexpensive, entry-level track bike of Taiwanese manufacture.  But I suppose it's not surprising that people are willing to pay top dollar for them, since when they do so they're not paying for the craftsmanship or the quality; instead, they're paying for the impression they've been riding a track bike for ten years.  Why pay half as much for a bike of equal quality when everyone will know you've only had it for a few weeks?  (Or even the same price for the new version, which has already been de-trackified at the factory?)  When you think about it, a few hundred dollars is nothing to pay for the illusion of authenticity.



Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-12-14, 9:10PM EST

This is a Brand New fixie. I bought the bike, rode it home, and then proceeded to break a bone soon after and have not been able to ride it since. It is an awesome ride and a really hard find for smaller riders. It is a 43cm frame - good for those of us that are between 5'-5'3". I had them install a brake, which I'm not including in the price. It is a very smooth ride and brand spankin'.

But while it's sad that people are over-paying for used bikes so they look like they've been riding for longer than they have, it's also sad when they buy a new bike, crash almost immediately, and then try to sell it for more than the MSRP.  Also, the fact that the rider has broken a bone is a clue that perhaps this bike might have been involved in some kind of crash.  I'd advise this rider to keep the bike, wait to heal, and start riding again.  Not only do I hate to see someone discouraged so easily, but if Fuji stops making this bike it will no doubt become a "collectors item."


yo riderz im sellin my wip - $700 (brooklyn )
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-12-15, 2:32AM EST

Front end of my bike
Gsport hub black 7ka rim shadow spokes
Odd director fork just bought it wit box reciet nd warrenty all dat gud stuff
bar north west fit
Profile stem
Mirraco frame 20.5 mirra cranks 3 piece vinnie sprocket colony seat animal wedge seat post odd pc pedalz kmc thick chain nd raer weel odd hazard primo spokes nd lhd primo hub still have reciet no brakes
Aim sherif11217
Number 1646 922 [deleted]
Yo I want like 650 nego
Ill send u picz if u want I can't put dem up cuz im on my sk postin diz

This is truly a remarkable post.  At first I thought it was written in some sort of code, but after reading it a few times I realized it was actually Middle English.  Note the archaic spellings of "wip," "warrenty," and "raer."  Also, he wants "like 650 nego."  Since the nego was a unit of English currency worth about three to the farthing, we can determine that the seller is asking for roughly two groat, one quarter ryal, and ha'penny, which in modern-day US$ is approximately sixteen cents.  Also, the last line of the post means that he can't attach photos because he wants to maintain the ad's period-correct feel, so instead he will post etchings in the town square in a fourtenight's time, God be praised.

Speaking of being judgmental, it's going to be extremely difficult to judge the winner of The Great BSNYC/RTMS Fyxomatosis Photo Parody Contest (presented by the Gourmet Cheese of the Month Club), because the submissions I've received to date have been nothing short of spectacular.  Here are just a few random highlights so far:


I don't know what this ambiguously-sexed person is about to do, or why (s)he has a crank puller wedged into the vent of his/her helmet, or, perhaps most distressingly, why his/her bibs are down.  I can only imagine something very strange is about to happen, and that the wheel is about to lose its pie plate, or its virginity, or perhaps both.  I also can't help but wonder if this photo was taken at S.P.I.N. (Super Power Inclusion Night) at the Derailer Bicycle Collective in Denver, because it wouldn't surprise me in the least if this model regularly finds shimself among those "excluded by the patriarchy of bike culture and bike shops because of their gender identity."  By the way, the contestant has also provided a sepia-toned, safe-for-work version:



Slightly more artsy, but no less disturbing.

Here's another seductive submission, which I like to call the "Sex Rotor:"

I bet those sliding dropouts aren't the only things that go both ways.  

And if those sliders aren't taking the slack out of your chain, perhaps this sepia-toned forkfest will:

This one comes via frequent commenter Urchin, and it very well may be the most sexually explicit photograph ever taken of bicycle componentry.   Note that the Salsa, head turned in ecstasy, is wearing a computer sensor, which is doubtless there to measure TPM (Thrusts Per Minute).  Note also the top fork, which gives new meaning to the phrase "canti stud."  I just hope they're using plenty of anti-seize.  

Too dirty for you?  How about something "cleaner?" 


Yep, it's a Surly 1x1 in the shower.  Steamy stuff indeed:



Now that puts the "Oy!" in "voyeur."  Those better be sealed bearings; the shower's no place for loose balls.

By the way, it seems that porn has officially joined hooded sweatshirts and flat-brim baseball hats in becoming something that is now inextricably intertwined with cycling despite not being particularly well-suited to it.  Indeed, the people at Knog (makers of the "hipster cyst," as well as the Love/Hate knuckle tattoo glove) inform me that they now offer "porno patches:"



114 comments:

tajblues said...

Winner

Johnny Sprocket said...

Podium ! Yes...

Anonymous said...

podium!!!!

Anonymous said...

woo

Anonymous said...

balls

Anonymous said...

BooyA!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=96xRToUdzD0

stuggy said...

Topten?

crispy said...

top ten!

brettok said...

Cadel

Anonymous said...

I just finished cooking some hot cereal and was checking out the local weather and realized something was missing. Looking at the quick links SNB caught my eye thats how I made third place on the podium...AGAIN!!! woooohoooo!!!

Anonymous said...

podium

red neckerson said...

top ten mofo

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Bill said...

VDB 1st

smovlov said...

top 15!!

Enhancement Smoker said...

Florida is NOT "America's Teat"...it is commonly known that Florida is "America's flaccid dong"

Anonymous said...

TOP TWENTY!!!!

Slappy said...

That fork photo makes me feel funny.

Johnny Sprocket said...

GT missed out on cashing in with their new fixie model. Upon closer inspection, the rims bear the stickers,'Alex Crostini'. They could have easliy usedt.. All You Haters Suck My Gutterball.

Podium today... too easy !

Jim N said...

That "yo riderz im sellin my wip" ad was obvs written by a lolcat.

Anonymous said...

Woot! Woot!

TiLer said...

porno patches might help some people learn to fix their own flats. you know...the kind of people that try to work porn into every facet of their life.

Bill said...

that ad makes me irrationally angry

Anonymous said...

DO YOU PEOPLE HAVE LIVES? I WANT TO BE FIRST!!

"HAVE LIFE"

Bea said...

knog is barking up the wrong tree with those patches. fixters can't patch!

Jim N said...

Exclusive photo of the autor of teh CL ad!! Is that a 42cm frame? Might be collectible.

Anonymous said...

Whan that aprill with his shoures soote
The droghte of march hath perced to the roote,
And bathed every veyne in swich licour

streepo said...

That fork photo makes me feel...

anxious.

Critical Ass said...

The OC sings Kenny Rogers

'nuff said

bk jimmy said...

I've been meditating on that Perspective Lines film all weekend, and I've realized it's not pretentious or metaphorical at all. It's a simple sweet tale of perseverance and hope.

Our protagonist dreams of being a bike messenger, but in his desert hometown there are no businesses, or buildings! Yet he will not give up on his dream, delivering proxy packages of stone to fictional addresses amidst the endless expanse, through some of the most hypothetically dangerous traffic in the world. When one day he faces the roar of an impending land-speed record-setter, his tight risers will allow him to slip past unscathed. And even in the desert heat, he wears no socks.

innerlight said...

top 100!



meh.

Anonymous said...

Florida is actually "Americas Wang". but teat could work also...

Anonymous said...

The Fuck Nut Huggers new album drops next week. Forget ass, hipsters. Prepare to be sonned.

GenghisKhan said...

Good to see that good taste never goes out of style. Oi.

Anonymous said...

what about this

florida: america's vestigial tail

Throughly Entertained said...

I'm always happy to see comments consisting only of Chaucer quotations written in the original, especially on a cycling blog. You bring out the best in us, Snob.

syberjunkie said...

Ride by shooting in Kansas City, no word yet if the pie plate on the Green MTB had any bearing on the event.

http://www.kansascity.com/news/breaking_news/story/936900.html

kale said...

I replace my brake cartridges and

I
Jizz
In
My
Pants

Bill said...

that Kansas city story is wrong in so many ways, including that the comments have no jockeying for podium!!!

Anonymous said...

Hincapie!

frilly said...

Cute shoes.

meh-wee-uhn said...

This winter holiday season I've decided I will not give people anything that I'm not 85% certain will be used and as such I've been waiting for those Porno Patches to become available via QBP.

Cheap, easy, & useful, which is more than can be said of the last couple of men I've dated.

Alas, they are still out of stock, which means everybody on my list is getting a jar of peanut butter or a couple cans of stewed tomatoes, both of which are arguably more useful that silly patch kits (because, really, do people still do that?).

Anonymous said...

Anon 2:46: said "vestigial"!

That fork porn may be the best example of non-porn porn I've ever seen. Disturbing? or Not? I'm not sure.

Jim said...

A Fugi track bike? What brand is that? Did it have something to do with some second rate soul music 5 or 6 years ago? I think so. Either way, that bike just wants your sweet sweet love. You're like nobody else. When you go away, you break its heart. It's not like the other bikes you can just ride, and then park. Baby come back, it'll love you up in that special way, all night long. Dontcha wish your track bike was hot like Fugi? Dontcha?

Brendan said...

Am I the only one more disturbed by the spelling of Fuji ("Fugi") than the bike porn?

Anonymous said...

Brendan,

A quick perusal of the comment IMMEDIATELY PRECEDING YOURS indicates that the answer to your question is YES.

kale said...

Fugi cycles are the rare Cameroon reproduction of 1980 Pinarello. They used Kohloombis steel and the welding is second to none. The overpublicized issues with rider bone breakage was narrowed down to the fact that they were designed around the 5'-5'3" Pygmy frame, with a modified center of gravity to compensate for a distended belly, and they're cursed by the manufacturer and stuffed with burnt goat hair.

Anonymous said...

Note that the short Fuji (Fugi) rider rode the bike home and "then proceeded to break" his/her bone (doesn't say which one, but I am guessing it was the stapes - ouch!). The bike probably actually is worth much more than MSRP for reasons that will remain un-named in this public forum.

Brendan said...

Kale, thanks for the backstory on Fugi. I thought it might've been a collaboration between Lauren Hill, Wyclef Jean and Bianchi.

Oh, and apologies to Anon 4:02 for missing Jim's post. How dreadfully remiss of me.

bk jimmy said...

Kale @ 2:52, who was the other guy in that? (Not Justin, the other guy.)

Jim said...

Kinky shower pics are all the rage. Just started a Bathing Bikes group on Flickr.

Bill said...

speaking of justin, i don't think we ever fully examined just how great a resemblance there is btwn bikesnobla and justin timberlake

Anonymous said...

Meh-wee-uhn,
The answer is yup, we sure as hell do. If you look in your illustrious QBP catalog you'll notice that you can get 100 patches and glue for about the price of two regular presta valve tubes. Thank you Rema! (Speaking of porn, with THAT name...)
Anyway, if your cheap/frugal (me), motivated (me), and learned (ditto last two) you have no problems patching a tube. My sig other & I actually have a patch war waged to see who can have the most patches on a tube before the tube really dies. Patches are the scar tissue of a tube's life, dontchaknow.
Currently on 14, and hopefully not adding any more any time soon.

redbike said...

I thought Florida was America's wang.

Anonymous said...

Will people ever figure out this magical your versus you're?

Anonymous said...

since it's america, wouldn't it be schlong or dong, not wang or weiner?

Anonymous said...

I'm all for patching tubes rather than wasting resources and throwing them out, but there is a practical limit. 14 patches?!? Seriously?

Anonymous said...

All you haters suck my pants yabbies.

wishiwasmerckx said...

If you are descending at race pace on a tube with 14 patches, stay the hell away from me. I do not pretend to know the "tipping point" for patches affecting rotational stability, but I am quite sure that it is way, way under 14.

Anonymous said...

Johnson - a proper American name...

frilly said...

Hey redbike, did you do Ride 64?

bloodline said...

all you ballers suck my hate...

Andy Pandy said...

If you could take a urine sample that did not immediately vaporize or catch fire due to it being 95% Kentucky sour mash, I would offer a thought that Red Neckerson should be in the hands of doping control as he is podiuming far too much lately and not true to his early season form

Long Dong Silver said...

The only patches I want to see are over my hooker's eye.

Andy Pandy said...

Hey Frills , Knog have a nice set of long fingered white and pink/red ride hard gloves that would look just peachy with those shoes. Xmas present???

Mr Matt said...

BS-
you're slipping! "Fugi" track bike? so close to "Fugli" or something entirely more clever. Surprised she didn't "brake" her arm, too.

bikesgonewild said...

...ya know,ap, considering red neckerson's powers of articulation & his love of all things canadian, i can't think of anything i'd rather do than introduce him to ex-wada chief, dick pound...

...just sayin', that would be a meeting of the greats...

Satsuma said...

What do you mean, just because it's not made doesn't mean that it's a collector's item?!

Everything is a collector's item, because there's always someone to collect it. Some people collect dolls. Some people collect things with "all you haters suck my balls" written on them. And some people collect old track bikes not quite worth the price.

Andy Pandy said...

BGW Book me in, would love to be at the after party with champers by the bucket, canap├ęs and Red at full throttle

frilly said...

AP, those are sweet. Can't decide between the love/hate or ride/hard. The ride/hard gloves do have a kind of tough girl feel about them.

I think I could do the sentiment proud--yesterday I had my first bike 'incident'. Left me with a nasty lump, cut, & bruise on the back of my right calf and a scrape & bruise on the inside of my right thigh. Don't ask. Kept on riding and still went for a run last night. Although, I'm definitely in the hurt box today.

Hugh Jorgan said...

Florida is America's wobbling spent schlong.

Andy Pandy said...

Welcome to the world of road rash. Adds new meaning to screaming in the shower when no one else is there with you to share. Let the body recover ... just carin.

Anonymous said...

Release the meme!

That shower set-up really cries for a sprayer hose.

You can really clean all the nooks and crannies with the hand sprayer on the end of a flexible hose.

And it makes it a LOT easier to clean the shower stall or tub. That's a plus, if you were wondering.

If you can patch your used condoms, patching a tube is a piece of cake. Butyl rubber is far more forgiving.

14 patches? You got a ways to go.
But I admire your persistence. I think I've only gotten to ten before I rip out a valve stem.
"Hey Europe... Eat my Florida!"
- B. Kliban -

frilly said...

Funny you should mention the shower, that hot water 'bout put me through the ceiling!

Anonymous said...

why not love/hard?

The Dental Hygiene Fairy said...

Mmmmmmmmmm! Map filth!

Antonymous said...

Dick Pound is the greatest name ever.

ant1 was too lazy to long in said...

Antonymous is the second.

freud? said...

long = log

Anonymous said...

wishiwasmerckx,
Patches go on the daily grind bike. Tubulars go on the race bike. Why yes, I did just glue them on and am now going to race on them. Why do you ask?

tpeak said...

You need this t-shirt http://shirt.woot.com/

tpeak said...

You need this shirt... http://shirt.woot.com/

Anonymous said...

WOOT WOOT

kale said...

I need this before I buy any knuck-tat shirts.

Happy Tuesday morning!

Lucky 7 said...

Frills,

love/hard

ride/hate

Get both!


A

Tsuru said...

America's Teat????

As a native Floridian, I'm very offended, we are America's WANG...

Cuba is our splooge.

Learn your anatomy.... It'll make masturbating that much more fun.

Cheers,
Tsuru

el presidente bicisport said...

"...,it seems that porn has officially joined hooded sweatshirts and flat-brim baseball hats in becoming something that is now inextricably intertwined with cycling despite not being particularly well-suited to it."

I know I am a day late but I must put my testicles out there and say that you have this backwards. Porn is the fundametal basis of the internet and the very reason for its existence beyond universities and the military. Cycling is intertwined with porn by the simple reason that in between porn viewing some misguided souls happen to chat about the chainline on their fixed gear conversions. As for unsuitability, as anyone who has spent any time on the internet in the last ten years can attest to, nothing is unsuitable for porn.

Cheers and keep it up! Figuratively.

Anonymous said...

Cipollini!

((lyledriver)) said...

WIP means 'work in progress'.

Car culture used to use it all the time until people started spelling it Whip, and came up with the silly etymology backstory about horse drawn carriages.

Anonymous said...

is porn the only winner during credit crunch?


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