Thursday, June 12, 2008

At The End Of The Day: The Wisdom Of Michael Ball

(The Ballstice 9000 Race Promotion Machine: half the personality, twice the gesticulating.)

As you may or may not know, former professional cyclist, race promoter, and soporific commentator John Eustice is joining forces with Michael "I'll Build My Own Wheels!" Ball to turn the annual Harlem Skyscraper race in New York City into an intoxicating festival of speed. I for one am glad to see these two personalities come together. If John Eustice were a beverage, he'd taste like water with a vague hint of something else, and he'd be packaged in a plain white can and sold as "Beverage." And if Michael Ball were a beverage, he'd be a sickly-sweet energy drink called "Ballin'!" and sold in a Capri Sun-like container strongly resembling a douchebag.

So perhaps by mixing them together we'll wind up with something potable. Not only that, but the race will be televised. (Though it won't be on actual television as far as I can tell.) But best of all, there's always the chance that Ball will draw from his rich well of "At The End of the Day" quotes. I love a good ATEOTD quote, and Ball is the Celine Dion of ATEOTD quotes. In fact, it only takes three Ball interviews to yield nine Ball ATEOTDs. (That's an average of three ATEOTDs per interview.):

From VeloNews:

...at the end of the day, what’s right is right, and Americans, the U.S. fans, know what’s right.

...at the end of the day, if you don’t have your athletes, if you don’t have your riders, you have nothing.

Look, at the end of the day, when you have organizations that are willing — or the government, if you will — getting involved in these individuals’ lives, that’s when I draw the line of whether they did or didn’t …

Anything I do in life, I touch. If I don’t touch it, at the end of the day, whose responsibility is it if it goes wrong?

From VeloNews again:

At the end of the day, we are all human beings, and we all deserve a second chance.

But at end of day he’s a good guy, and I have nothing negative to say about Frankie [Andreu].

From VelocityNation, on the eve of the Harlem race:

...it was just they weren't used to someone coming in there and marketing and branding. That's what really freaked them out at the end of the day.

Look, at the end of the day, this sport is in a transition and I don't think they can afford to continue to vilify and create this environment in pro cycling because, look, I'm the only guy coming in with money.

But at the end of the day, if these athletes do not come together, this sport will continue on with them having no voice and at any given moment, these guys will be outed and their career will be done, or at best, put on hold.

Rock Racing in Harlem brings some other enticing possibilities as well. For example, Ball has stated in the past he would send his riders into the inner cities to dissuade kids from joining gangs or something:



Scoff if you will, but I think some Marvel Comics rejects in lime-green lycra accosting children and telling them not to turn to a life of crime would be very effective. Maybe he'll even unleash his Green Swarm on uptown Manhattan.

Ball also has an altruistic side, and he likes to announce his charitable endeavors to the media in a dismissive, cursory, and irritable fashion:



Watch out, Livestrong! Ball's got cancer in his crosshairs. It's too bad the girls with the t-shirts weren't there, because a charity without a logo straining to contain a pair of silicone-enhanced breasts is no charity at all. I'm hoping he'll unveil another cause in Harlem. I know acid reflux could definitely use sexier spokesmanship. Come, on Ball, let's Rock Acid Reflux! I'm hoping that at the end of the day we can make that happen.

97 comments:

Anonymous said...

Podium!

ant1 said...

podium?

Anonymous said...

podium?

Wutz said...

Meow

Anonymous said...

TOP TEN!

Anonymous said...

In the money

Ka_Jun said...

Capri Sun/douchebag...man, you've ruined Capri Sun for me, forever...

pokitrockit said...

in the grupette :(

Anonymous said...

top ten and i am on vacation!

Anonymous said...

top ten

Anonymous said...

god i love michael ball jokes

AH said...

While warming up for Harlem in 1994 I was asked by a woman if I had any "rock." Stunned, it took me several seconds to gather my wits and respond with "no."

But now (cue porn soundtrack) there'll be plenty of Rock in Harlem! Although I'm sure not the sort that she was looking for.

Commiecanuk said...

Look, at the end of the day, we can just conclude that Mike Ball is simultaneously running a failed bike team and Indy car team.

Rock Racing: Here to stay in 158th place.

Mike Ball said...

Harlem kids, don't do crack, save your money for some really cool jeans.

HampCo said...

at the end of the day we must ask ourselves: do my $300 jeans make me look like a douchebag?

do we have anything on that charity i'm not really up-to-speed on? do we?

Lance A said...

I can't wait for the public forum with rock Racing's owner discussing testicular cancer research:

"Ball on Balls".

Kristen T said...

I love the part where he's asking his people if they have any information on his proposed cancer research support-- and the rest of the table looks blank, and panicked, and starts shuffling papers around trying to find something-- anything-- to suppport what Ball's saying.

Then he changes the subject.

What at tool.

More Rock in Harlem! Genius!

AH said...

...because if someone did something egregious, I'll find out and have them fired!

mr.complaint said...

soporific...yup.

You didn't mention Messenger Mania!

SteaZ?

wishiwasmerckx said...

"At the end of the day you're a little bit older, and the coat on your back doesn't keep out the chill..." Who knew that Michael Ball was such a huge "Les Miserables" fan?

leroy said...

Harlem Rocks?

Oh dear, now I am confused.

Didn't Drew Carey have that show with the song advising that Cleveland Rocks?

Does this mean that Michael Ball has signed Drew Carey to Rock Racing?

At the end of the day, I'm pretty sure I don't want to see Drew Carey in digestive ailment green lycra.

Heck, Michael Ball looks pretty silly in that outfit too. But it wouldn't be right to make fun of him.

Listening to him speak about his charitable contributions was inspiring.

I mean here is a guy who obviously suffered a head trauma while riding without a helmet and yet he still picks out his own clothes.

Inspiring. Truly inspiring.

I'm all farklempt.

Anonymous said...

Even faux-Prolly can\'t bring himself to come to the defense of Michael Ball with one of his trademark character-defending endorsements.

Anonymous said...

The Top 10 commenters are the Rock Racing of commenters.

Deep Throat said...

Well, before you get too unimpressed with Mickey's Balls and cancer charity, keep in mind that a certain winner of the 2004 Tour du Languedoc-Roussillon (Stage 5)that fronts a cancer research foundation is in fact getting a salary from this charity, despite the millions he made with races like the 1998 Tour du Luxembourg.

The same charity has overhead costs that are are the very limit of what is allowed by a charitable organizations by the IRS, and is ranked in the bottom 25% of charities in the US in terms of cost overhead to fund raising ratio.

www.charitynavigator.org

It doesn't take a positive test to define yourself as a douchebag.

prolly said...

as for Ball...

"I know him pretty well and . . .

and . . . um. . ."

specialrider said...

at the end of the day, rock racing will still suck the fat man's ass.

urchin said...

A hand for fake Prolly leaving at the top of his game, everyone.

I believe if you mix these two promoting personalities, you get something like opinionated cyclist. Not potable at all...

Anonymous said...

For those unfortunate enough to be witness to the train wreck TV coverage of the Philly race last weekend, the thought of MORE John Eustice might be more than some of us can handle. The network envoked an interesting strategy of finding possibly the only human on Earth dumber than Eustice as a co-commentator, therein recreating a live and thoroughly less funny version of the "Best in Show" broadcast team, giving regular temperature updates and generally bastardizing cycling. Regarding earlier BSNYC comments on why cycling isn't more popular in the US, look no further than John Eustice and moronic local sports guys.

g said...

Bring Back Bob Varsha!!

Anonymous said...

Ah yes, I was um lucky enough to suffer through the Eustice coverage of Reading and Philly - and he managed to turn a great race into a snooze. And his man crush on Sevilla during the Reading race started funny but then became embarrassing as he gushed on and on about the man.

wishiwasmerckx said...

At the end of the day, the stock market has either advanced or it has retreated. Either way, Michael Ball is still a douchebag, and you can take a certain comfort in that.

techb3 said...

"One Less Nut"

331niles said...

Acid reflux would be good. Or dia-beetus.

the ad guy you work with said...

Massengill should endorse Ball.

tagline: Michael Ball, a douchebag you can take comfort in. Now disposable!

Sprocketboy said...

Hey, Deep Throat Said: interesting post about the cancer charity run by the Tour of Luxembourg winner. It seems that cancer charities as a whole are pretty bad at raising money, so Mr. Ball might indeed be welcome:

http://www.charitywatch.org/articles/cancer.html

prolly said...

as for Michael Ball...

"I know him pretty well and he's a total dick and has been riding bikes for about a week now for whatever thats worth."

Anonymous said...

Snob, I never realized what an abrasive dick Ball really was, even though you've tried to convey that in the past. Well done. I get it now.

WishIwasmerckx: yeah, in fact, Michael Ball was very famous in Les Miserables... he played Marius to widespread acclaim:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0113637/

fake prolly said...

as for the Real Prolly...

"I don't know him pretty well but he seems like a douche and has been sprocket grinding on his track bike because somehow that's cooler than doing it on a BMX bike for the past month in the little park at the end of the Williamsburg bridge and posting videos of himself doing it on his blog for whatever thats worth."

Anonymous said...

I had no idea Michael Ball had a tattoo.

techb3 said...

holy shit.

fake fake prolly said...

As for the fake real prolly:

"I know him pretty well and fake fake real, fake real real fake. Fakey fake, real real prolly prolly prolly fake really really fake prolly."

smartypants said...

Anon 4:22:

Thanks. I just threw up in my mouth a little. And no, I'm not trying to use a dumbass cliché joke here, I really mean it.

Anonymous said...

@4:22 Sorry about that. It was the previous post that made me think of that picture, words really don't do it justice. Also sorry to your boss about the three hours of productivity you are going to lose looking at the Vice Do's and Dont's.

Anonymous said...

At the end of the day it will be Jun13.

That will mark what seems to be the 1yr anniversary of BSNYC.

Is a party in the works for Friday the 13th?

Will the bitterness continue?

On the edge of my seat here!

techb3 said...

i hereby pledge to pay for several 24oz budweisers to anyone who wants to start the anniversary between 9am and 10 am. corner of washington and atlantic. you have to drink them on the way to work over your bridge of choice.

dopepedaler said...

Power Tool=Michael Ball.

He is such a tool that he needs his own Park Tool® designation. He is such a complete tool that I may need to carry him, instead of my multi-tool, on my next ride.

KanyonKris said...

At the end of the day, I'm just trying to be righteous.

Saint Ball?

frilly said...

techb3--

Be glad I don't live anywhere near NY, I can drink a lotta beer.

Anonymous said...

At the end of the day, John, we're just glad to have an opportunity to be here. We're taking it one day at a time. I don't know how we'll do in Harlem, but I do know that each and every rider will give it 110 percent, and that's all you can ask of anybody. That's the way the ball bounces, and it ain't over 'til the fat lady sings, and lord willin' an the creek don't rise, we'll win some and we'll lose some, but that's why they make 'em play the game, ain't it. If you ain't rubbin' ball's, you ain't racin'. Boogity boogity boogity let's go racin' boys!

/s
Michael's Balls' Random Sports Interview Cliche Generator

frilly said...

Just to clarify--was that drink on the way to work or call in & drink instead of work?

While we're at it, we'll let Michael Ball have Les Miz-too long & boring--and we can stage our own little production on/under the bridge...

You know something more appropriate to NYC, like West Side Story.

Anonymous said...

urchin,

It's *the* opinionated cyclist.

Surely you must have had a rough morning.
So has the opinionated cyclist.
His youtuberosity is dwindling.

Maybe it's the carrot-eating?

Hey guys!

g said...

First we have BSNYC/RTMS, then Hotchickswithcouchebags and now viceland do's and don'ts. well, there goes the other 12 hours of my day. Thanks a lot Anon4:22.

Anonymous said...

Douchenozzles all of you!

techb3 said...

if you have to work, you have to drink.

if you dont have to work, you have to drink.

you have to drink.

see you in the am.

Anonymous said...

I own a pair of rock & republics. I know, its pretty embarrassing but they make me ride more so my ass'll look hot. It's a zen thing.

Oscar Wilde said...

Work is the curse of the drinking class!

Jonathan said...

i dont have a drinking problem: i drink, i get drunk, i fall down. no problem!

yeh, thats not as funny when you type it out...

smartypants said...

Theeeere's a place for us,
Somewhere, a place for us!

Andy Pandy said...

At the end of the day you have….ta da Night time, dinner time, evening, bed time. That is when all the little sticky creatures and those too ugly to come out in the sun, come out from their dank hiding places and hold court over the dark portions of the earth, like Pro bike racing.
But after viewing his heart felt (quick pass me the press release dweeb) altruism I am going to sprint over to ProBikeKit and get a green jersey and ride around some inner city slums and save a life, any life and if I cannot find one then I will save puppies or whales or Paris Hilton

techb3 said...

jonathan,

57th place is still first loser in my book. :(

Jonathan said...

techb3:
whats it gonna take to please you?
i try funnies, i try ignoring you, and still, all i get is criticism.
im doing my best...

techb3 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Scott said...

Am I the only one frightened that BSNYC has to link to Capri Sun so that people would know what he's talking about? Am I really that old?

Anonymous said...

lantern rouge!

bikesgonewild said...

...anon 10:49...you're right...

...at the end of the day, it's time for the lanterne rouge...

...just agreein'...

Anonymous said...

jonathan, try this...



[useless techb3 deleted]

techb3 said...

anonymous,

try this [go fuck yourself]

g said...

tb3,
I guess your beer laden gesture wasn't well received? or was there a line at the c-store and you rode on and pissed a large contingent of BSNYC/RTMS fans?
slightly sober minds want to know.

techb3 said...

im writing it up now...

Anonymous said...

at the end of the day it's just a deflated techb3 standing between a couple of dumpsters under an old bridge...

techb3 said...

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY BSNYC!
you stood me up.

ChrisB. said...

Or maybe he's a Kinks fan . . .

"Baby, I feel good
From the moment I rise
Feel good from morning
Till the end of the day
Till the end of the day"

Sort of.

When it's over it's over, drink up. said...

Michael Ball gives douchebags a bad name!

Anonymous said...

so does techb3! He's such a sucker for the bait...

[useless techb3 deleted]

Cycle Jerk said...

There has to be a connection between Michael Ball and Scientology. There just hast to be.

dl said...

Me thinks the Bike Snob wants to be Ball -- he wants the fame, glory, the g-money lifestyle. Why else would he cover it so much?

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