Monday, September 29, 2008

Soft Pedaling: Taking it Easy

(Still crankin' away--no retirement for Perwez Ahmed. Only prayer breaks.)


If you have the sort of gaping hole in your life that gives you the time and inclination to follow professional road racing, you know that this past weekend was the World Road Championships in Varese, Italy. And if you're American, you know that team leader Levi Leipheimer opted not to race. Never mind that Levi finished fourth in the time trial last Thursday, which is pretty good. (Personally I'd rather finish fourth instead of second or third in a race like that, since silver and bronze is kind of lame, but fourth is the best out of all the other non-medalers and is, when you really think about it, technically a win. ) Regardless, it seems Levi "didn't feel up for the leadership of our relatively young team." But I suppose Leipheimer, around whom the "Let Levi Ride" campaign was created, feels that while he should be allowed to ride whenever he wants he should also not ever be required to ride, and that he should be free to let a "relatively young team" eke out a 23rd place while he ends his season and evens out his cyclist's tan on some beach somewhere while listening to the sounds of Malaysian pop sensation Letle Viride.

But who can blame Levi, really? This bike racing thing is exhausting, and it seems like riders can't retire fast enough. Not only is Paolo Bettini retiring, but so is Yaroslav Popovych, who's only like 28 and had at least seven more good years of not living up to the promise of being a future Tour de France winner. Meanwhile, those foolish enough to stay in the sport often find themselves being harassed by the authorities. In fact, Italian police raided the Luxembourg team hotel last Friday, apparently because there were rumors that Benoit Joachim had been sleeping in an oxygen tent. Hey, not everybody who sleeps in a tent is doing so for purposes of performance-enhancement. It's common knowledge in the peloton that Joachim likes to have little hotel room floor campouts while he's on the road, and that he often pitches a pup tent in which he throws little tea parties for his assortment of stuffed animals and then reads them bedtime stories before finally turning in himself. Just because he copes with homesickness a little differently than the other riders does not make him a cheater. (Though I'm not sure what Frank Schleck was doing in there with him, and I don't know if I believe him when he claims that he was just playing "blood transfusion" with one of Joachim's teddy bears.)

Perhaps it was the hardship of being a professional cyclist and living on the road that sowed the seeds of Greg LeMond's lushly-blooming insanity, as manifest by his attempt to hijack Lance Armstrong's Interbike press conference last week. Or perhaps he was simply driven to it by the person sitting behind him wearing a Metallica shirt:

Word has it that LeMond never really got over founding bassist Cliff Burton's death in 1987, and that he refuses to acknowledge any Metallica album after "Master of Puppets." Still, despite himself, he had finally decided to give the band a second chance by purchasing their latest album, "Death Magnetic," just before the press conference--only to find as millions of other fans did that the sound quality was extremely poor. Understandably, after waiting over 20 years to purchase a new Metallica album only for it to be a tremendous disappointment, LeMond was sufficiently on edge to be pushed over it upon noticing the shirt above. At least that's the defense his lawyers are considering using.

It's also entirely possible that Interbike itself is what drove LeMond to it. I wasn't at Interbike (nor have I ever been) but I understand from those who do attend that it can be extremely irritating. This bicycle, which I saw on the VeloNews site, would appear to be a case in point:


I'm not sure what's going on here, but I can only assume that these cables are supplying the bicycle with ugliness intravenously. I'm also not sure why people are always compelled to hide cables on bicycles, or to route them through the frame or through various components. Personally, I prefer being able to change cables and housing without having to first extricate them or remove bar tape, but then again I don't really care how my bikes look either--as long as they're not covered with purple mucus like this one is.

In any case, my advice to Greg and to all the other tired cyclists (active, retired, or coming back) is to take it easy. Just like Levi didn't feel up to the leadership of the relatively young US team, I didn't feel up to riding very quickly on my commute this morning. Instead, I resolved to go downright slowly. One thing I discovered was that the city looks very different when you're slow. You even deal with an entirely different kind of traffic. Instead of the crazed, rushed traffic, you deal with the slow and ailing kind:

Had I been riding faster I would not have had the good fortune of watching a minivan die. This is the moment when the sputtering, smoking hulk finally pulled over and the driver emerged from it. As you can see, he's just about to remove his hat, wave it around in a vain attempt to clear the smoke, and begin cursing in Spanglish. You'll notice also that the visibility has been reduced to almost zero by the emissions. I would have stopped to see if I could lend a hand, but not only am I a poor auto mechanic, but I was also completely unconcerned.

While preventative maintenance is not high on the agendas of many drivers in New York City, cosmetic maintenance certainly is. Here you see a "bumper bully," which is the top tube pad of the automotive world. You can also see the spraypainted lines of what may in fact be a nascent bicycle lane. This of course raises the question, "When does a bicycle lane's life begin?" If you believe it begins the moment the outline is hastily spraypainted on the pavement, as the conservatives do, then this Saab is already guilty of bike lane obstruction. However, if you hold the more liberal view that a bike lane is not a bike lane until the lines are solid and there are little pictures of bicycles in between them, then I suppose the driver has nothing to worry about. (And even if I were to rear end him, at least his bumper would be safe from superficial damage.)


A little while later I encountered workers actually painting the bike lane. (Though if it is a bike lane I'm not sure why it has a broken line. Maybe it's some other kind of lane.) Monday morning during rush hour didn't seem to me to be an optimal time to paint lines on the street, but then again I don't work for the DOT. I was, however, very careful not to ride through the wet paint, lest I inadvertently set a Pepé Le Pew scenario in motion. (Some overamorous fixter might think the Ironic Orange Julius Bike is equipped with white tires and I might find myself being pursued on the Craigslist Missed Connections.)


Continuing slowly on my way, I experienced a magical moment when I encountered two vehicles moving even slower than I was. They were traveling side by side and the drivers were engaged in conversation as rush-hour traffic backed up behind them. Despite my better judgment, I was curious and so I rode between them. Sadly, I was unable to understand what they were saying, as they spoke in a foreign tongue. However, for a few minutes I felt like I was swimming with a couple of whales--especially since both of them were really ugly, they were spewing forth from their blowholes, and they were liable to crush me at any moment.


Speaking of ugly slow-moving vehicles, as I waited for the light I noticed what appeared to be a covered wagon just beyond the head of the Nonplussed Woman Looking Away from BikeSnobNYC. As soon as the light changed, I gave chase. (And by "gave chase" I mean I resumed pedaling.) Here's what I saw:


According to the URL on the chassis, this monstrosity is the work of Organic Engines. I've since visited the site, where I learned this:

About Me and OE

I am obsessed with Times New Roman, I love coffee, and fabricating. I am a latent motorhead with a sustainability fetish.

I like to mentor, but I play it off like I am just helping out. One of my favorite things is paying wages.

I love music, all kinds, and try to see a show every week or two. I am known for my indie rock and 80’s music dancing. To many people they look the same.

I have a cat, my girlfriend has a dog.

I was born in Canada but I love the USA .

I love to tell bad jokes and meandering stories that confuse rather than inspire.

I can cook and like pints of Harp Ale. Bottle Rockets Rule, and I have the powder burns to prove it.

I love to sew.. fabric-cating, get it?

I am learning all about the Linux Operating System . Commmand line skilllzz!!!!!

Eventually I hope to make one of everything. This is getting easier since I am learning to program and build CNC machines.


A person obsessed with both typefaces and bad puns? Now that's font-tastic!


Of course, some things never change, even when you ride slow. Here's yet another hipster bike locked to a pole on a New York City street. Note the lime green rims and matching grips. I can just see him doing a leg-over-the-bars dismount as he cinches up his messenger bag and saunters over to the playground.

Why won't these people grow up already?

115 comments:

Anonymous said...

wtf

Brendan said...

2nd?

Anonymous said...

podium!

Peter Rant Boy said...

didnt even read it. 3rd!

Peter Rant Boy said...

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Anonymous said...

Top 10!

Anonymous said...

5?

Anonymous said...

top 10...

the other belgians attacked

Anonymous said...

Top ten!

Anonymous said...

I am a Bike Nazi.. I need help.

Mongo Pusher said...

Doce!

Anonymous said...

Snob, you may just appreciate this frankenbike:
http://www.cyclofiend.com/cc/2008/cc514-asteriotecson0908.html

SD said...

Harp is lager, dammit

Anonymous said...

I'd like to use a lifeline.

Sprocketboy said...

There are a surprising number of Pro Cyclists Once Considered Tour Contenders still riding. And then one level below we have Pro Cyclists Once Considered Classics Contenders still riding. Not looking at you, George. Maybe Levi, though.

TJ Eckleburg said...

I believe that is Moe from BikeCommuters.com in the Metallica Shirt.

Mongo Pusher said...

"...I didn't feel up to riding very quicky on my commute this morning."
R.T.M.S.-Spell check or Freudian slip?

Brian said...

What is the state of the Pista-dex now that the markets are crashing?

Jim said...

A sustainability fetish? That sounds a lot dirtier than it probably is.

Anonymous said...

I have something in common with Benoit Joachim. I pitch a pup tent whenever I watch Misty May play volleyball.

Anonymous said...

Popo nogo w/o dopo.

Anonymous said...

"Preventive" is preferred to "preventative."

Anonymous said...

cozza?

Commiecanuk said...

Let Levi retire.

Damned doping is sports, this is what happens..you like it now? huh, well do ya..punk?

Sure, that guy behind Greg LeMental was a Metallica fan, but we all know who's driving the voices in Greg's head...

Lemmy fucking Kilmeister on 11.

I see it in your eyes, take one look and die

roomservicetaco said...

Catching up on topics from Friday's post:

Finger length may determine much more than just how much you excercise: here and here.

The voice of BSNY - Woody Allen or Terry D'arby? You decide.

So, for those trying to identify the Snob via clues left in his postings, here's an incomplete summary:

Voice: see above
Fingers: dirty, and frequently holding margaritas
Shoes: Sidi MTB, dirty
Tattoos: BIKE SNOB on knuckles (NYC tastfully inked onto thumbs), Empire State Building on left forearm
Riding Attire: bib shorts with loops dangling and Rapha scarf

Bike: Ironic Orange Julius or Poser
Favorite Musician: Coltrane
Favorite photography effect: Sepia
Favorite websites (shared interest with Dimitri Fofonov): Busty Legends and Bust magazine

Last seen: Hiring Daniella Levi to pursue IP infringement against a secret website's cousin

Adam said...

Anyone "obsessed" with Times New Roman is not actually into typefaces. Rather, they're big on appearing to be into typfaces.

Dmitri Fofonov said...

Mister Sonovabitchki Snob guy who can aspirate testicles of mine.

As kazakhi I have no dog in huning party, but is pleasing to me to see American politician has courage to surpress political dissidents in province missouri like your Obama is doing. With more brave men like Obama and Putin (how I want him to be in charge of our little country too), they put an end to division in this world.

jelliot said...

I think I saw an AYHSMB on one of the training wheels of that kids bike.

Slappy said...

The sky is falling!!!

Anonymous said...

lol jelliot

streepo said...

All you haters suck my balls.

Joe said...

Holy Crap! Are people actually 'into' typefaces? Are the hipsters going to start wearing hoodies extolling their typeface affiliations?

The covered wagon/bike guy sounds like a pedalphile to me. Serupticiously 'mentoring' by seeming to just be helping out.

Mr Satan said...

second quartile!

Anonymous said...

I would make love to an organic engine and then make love to Dan.

urchin said...

You might be missing a subtle hint there snob, that appears to be Nonplussed Woman Looking Away from BikeSnobNYC in Obvious Disgust. Any takers on that one? Simple cut and paste, ladies...

Matty Formaldehyde said...

All these pros just wanna dope in peace...hence the retirements...

Anonymous said...

pistadex? What about the Post-a-dex? It fell by 70 or so comments today!

Did the Vortex that was once Wall Street vacuum up all the usual suspects this morning? Are those of us on the west coast the only ones who are safe?

typesetters (are evil) said...

joe @ 2:27
i got two words for ya. "Veer" & "House". (not TV's House, who's a pretty upright guy that never designed a font that i know of, for what it's worth)
metallica and purple flames! two great tastes that taste great together!

anon 2:11 said...

The world of BS continues to shrink and the abundance of typos in the blog of late means only one thing.

The Snob apocalypse is upon us. The end is near. Woe be unto all ye sinners.

Really, material is running thin. I have wanted to be critical these past couple weeks but there just isn't any meat on 'dem bones anymore.

At least I know where to go for obscure fake pro cycling news spinning out of context and, maybe, out of relevance all together.

Keep it up. These posts are getting easier and easier to just skim over and I'm busy at the end of the month.

weebo' said...

Is that Jack Black taking Sean Penn for a ride in the Products link image at organic engines?

ant1 said...

2:11 - Thanks for updating us on your current view of this blog. I've been keeping myself awake at night wondering how you felt. I was hoping you weren't over us and that you still loved us, even if you weren't showing it. It's good to know you care.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Urchin,

Yes, you'll notice nobody ever seems happy to see me.

--RTMS

Anonymous said...

wow, so many comments on each of your posts and so many of them garbage.

Critical Ass said...

Screw this. From now on I'm only investing in hard assets like gold, Pistas, weed, and NASCAR collector plates (RIP #3).

I have a container load of plastic spider rings coming over from Indonesia if anyone wants in on it.

Anonymous said...

In what respect, Charlie?

kale said...

Whatever. Just don't ask to pass me or I'll trip and fall on my Rollerblades on the Shore Parkway.

-IJTOCPSBNJLSAIB

Commiecanuk said...

Don't you people watch TV? It's simple, I took the photo of Nonplussed Journalist Looking Straight at BikeSnobNYC, and blew up the eyeballs digitally to get the reflection of the Snob. Of course, it was distorted because NPJLSB had astigmatism, so then I used some kind of computer with clear screens and a virtual headset to de-convolve the image over 23 hours of super -computing time (Ok, so I shut down the large Haydron accelerator, but this was important).

This resulted in this image., or an hour later, this image.

Easy. Now buy stickers.

ChrisB. said...

My only podium appearance ever was fourth place in a mountain bike race. That's right I finished fourth and they still brought me to the podium. Admittedly, when they motioned me to raise my arms in the arm, I felt more than a little uncomfortable.

Commiecanuk said...

Critical... they all laughed when I invested all of Bobby Dale Jr.'s college fund in NASCAR commemorative plates..but who's laughing now, after the collapse of the bail-out bill, Zurich has now made these plates the only recognized currency of the US. I have the coveted Dale Earnhart #127 limited edition in which you can just make out Earnhart beating his wife in the tire smoke. Screw Basquiat, this is real art.

Anonymous said...

harp is not an ale, it's a lager

Erik said...

Hey, my daughter rides a bike that looks like that last hipster bike. Of course, she's two.

leroy said...

Ah, so that's what a latent motorhead with a sustainability fetish looks like.

I was wondering.

Thanks.

Anonymous said...

Joe said... 2:57

Those pedicabs are really attractive to some children. And then they get in your way and slow you down even more. It's hard to scream "Get out of my way!" at a kid who's interested in a contraption you're operating - a contraption with its uses, I'd add.

But they do like to hop out and push up hills, and aren't all that heavy on the flats.

Not that I would know from first-hand experience or anything.

Anonymous said...

Ahahaha, I am famous now, at least to cynical nerds from NYC. Or, just read NYC blogs.

It's true I am a pedophile and I am only pretending to be into fonts.

Can I borrow your hoodie, the one that says "I am better than you!"

Because people just laugh when you wear it.

Dan

Lucky 7 said...

I was having problems with my ear piece.


A

Jim said...

You all just don't get it with the BikeSnob identification stuff. There's a reason that Nonplussed Journalist and Nonplussed Woman look like they do. That's right - like the Nietzschean abyss, when you gaze into the BikeSnob, the Bikesnob gazes into you. Yes, you get it now. We're all BikeSnob, or BikesNo?b as I prefer to call myself, being into typeface and sustainability fetishism and all. If you want to know who BikeSnob is, look no further than your own mirror. The Nonplussed BikesNo?b in the mirror will gaze back at you. It's almost eerie how that happens.

By the way, the PistaDex isn't slumping because of the credit crunch. It's slumping because as soon as it was mentioned in the Performance Catalog, the regular level of the Pistadex ($600) was immediately reduced to $499 FOR THIS WEEKEND ONLY, a level where it will stay for the next year or two, or at least until all Pistadexes based on bikes with 49 and 64 frame sizes are remaindered out. Once the Pistadex is mentioned on Performance's ugly little brother and wholly-owned subsidiary NashBar, it will drop to $299, and get index linked to the sale cost of remaindered Team Mapei walkable road shoes in sizes 41.5 and 52.

Commiecanuk said...

Jim...are you implying that my new Mapei shoes in 52.25 aren't cool?

What about my new Festina bar tape?

Jim said...

It's got nothing on my Fassa Bartolo full team kit, Canuck.

Anonymous said...

That last bike can be had for $39.99, when Toys-R-Us has them on sale. Of course, I never installed the training wheels.

frilly said...

Thanks for the ProTour update, snob. My life feels a little less empty now.

Anon 2:11, of course, the material is getting thin (no pun intended). Its the end of the season, don'tcha know?

Commiecanuk said...

Fassa bortolo..Italian cement..cool.

I'm working on a sotto voce deal on a Credit Agricole kit.

can'tstopstaring at frillysass said...

oooer.

Anonymous said...

Snob, just start making fun of peoples' goofy bike setups again. "The Kludgie" was your high water mark.

I also think you need to make fun of funny looking riding styles as well. My favorites are the guys that swing their whole torso around when they climb. Newsflash: only your feet are attached to the pedals. There is no secondary propulsion device that harnesses head bobbing.

Anonymous said...

'But all that pales in comparison to http://bikesnobnyc.blogspot.com which is the coolest blog in the whole wide internets.'

Anonymous said...

Sorry Snob, As you can see from the evidence below, We've know about The Font Enthusiast Front for a month now...Old news.


Typecon 2008, July 15-20

WNYBAC has partnered with the Society of Typographic Aficionados (SoTA) to bring Typecon 2008 to Western New York. An annual international conference that gathers some of the biggest names in typography, design, and printing together for a series of lectures, workshops, and tours, previous conferences have been held in Seattle, Boston, and New York. Pre-registration for the conference is required, but many of the events are open to the public. For more info, visit typecon.com.

Anonymous said...

Anon 2:11, it's your time of the month? As if we couldn't tell.

nonplussed commenter said...

Jack Black said...

Sean Penn is a cool guy, and tips well.
That's a Iomega ZIP-Drive bag fulla mad-money.

Stay well, Sean!

Moe from BikeCommuters.com said...

I'm famous!

mander said...

The ugliness IV made me lol.

Friggin' Genius said...

I'm gonna git me some of that carbon fibbre stuff and start drillin' holes in it, 'cause it ain't quite dangerous enough to give me a big adrenaline rush otherwise.

Evil Genius said...

Maybe Snobby is a english teacher. Who else could ever work "nonplussed" into a sentence? Now I think your just riding around looking for nonplussed people to take pictures of them!Arent there a lot of them in NY?

Gnarles Darwin said...

Is that Greg LeMond or one of the Gotti's staring down a witness at his own Murder Trial?

Yaraslav Popovych said...

Well I was sick of hauling arse. I intend to do a Lance, dissappear for two seaon , so that I can work on eradicating bike tan,and come back.I intend to polish up my charms at a Swiss finishing school for retired bike boys then devote some quality time with young Miss Frilly. Physically fabo, a heap of money, a full tan, shaved legs, tales of the peleton to giggle about all day long ( and night) what more could you ask for... gggrrrrrh

ebf said...

BikeSnobNYC/RTMS

here is a video i think you might get a kick out of.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2885aR6o6s

Anonymous said...

Once again the DOT puts a bike lane on the wrong side of a one way street.

???

Anonymous said...

Many times I have enjoyed hauling people in a pedicab.

Live meat haulin' is good cargo-bikin'
As long as the meat is friendly.

Sometimes it takes a monstrosity to carry 400 pounds or more.
It's actually really when the passengers are good people.

veloben said...

Times New Roman?

Oh my what a plebian.

Now a Classic Goudy, Morris, Walker or Hornby as done by Doves, Ashendene or Kelmscott that's some typography.

Anonymous said...

CLB died in '86.

adrodicus said...

Joe @ 2:57,

Not hoodies, but t-shirts are being used to proclaim one's typeface affiliation.

http://store.americanapparel.net/2001ha.html

wishiwasmerckx said...

Times New Roman? According to Christian Lander (Stuff White Poeple Like), the official chronicler of such things, Helvetica is "the official font of white people."

Raiyn said...

83rd! *rolls eyes*

Lemond needs to get over himself. I used to really respect the guy, now I just see him as sad and broken.

Anonymous said...

Is BSNYC a metal moonlighter? Is he in fact a contributing editor of Metal Inquisition? He seems to know an awful lot about metal.
No wonder the W-Burgers won´t let him play polo.

gaahl said...

Oh, my dearest Snob! The original funding thrasher was Ron McGovney, later to be succeeded by Cliff Burton.

Jason B said...

So Mr Bike Snob NYC your also reading or have read a 'A Dog in A Hat'. Pretty good book I thought. Keep up the 'Soft Pedaling'. Cheers J

Anonymous said...

this was your best written post so far...

wishiwerepithy said...

I have a cat, my girlfriend has a dog.

I was born in Canada but I love the USA .

I love to tell bad jokes and meandering stories that confuse rather than inspire.


A genius. This is the essence of what it is to be Canadian.

Can I immigrate too, or have you closed the border to us yet?

kale said...

-ebf

That was actually entertaining. Too bad I was on my cell phone.

frilly said...

I'm listening Yaraslav.

streepo said...

Anyone who doesn't use a Unicode font is missing out on a lot.

Anonymous said...

Iomega zip drive? Is that like computer punch cards?

Vincent Connare said...

Comic Sans!!!

Anonymous said...

Do yourself a favor and shut comments off.

Anonymous said...

Yes, turn the comments off, sometime around 10:43am.

Anonymous said...

CONS OLAS

Anonymous said...

NEWT IMES

Anonymous said...

FONT RULE

Anonymous said...

ILUV FONT

Anonymous said...

100P OSTS

Anonymous said...

ROFL STFU

Grinner said...

So, you're between seasons and putting in junk miles, then?

I rode behind the covered wagon for a good stretch of the 9th Ave. track last night, and what went through my head was "too wide for the conventional bike lane."

Wow, all of this was much less lame in my head.

Anonymous said...

That Trek-reck makes my penis soft...

Anonymous said...

Dmitri Fofonov said...
Mister Sonovabitchki Snob guy who can aspirate testicles of mine.
As kazakhi I have no dog in huning party, but is pleasing to me to see American politician has courage to surpress political dissidents in province missouri like your Obama is doing. With more brave men like Obama and Putin (how I want him to be in charge of our little country??????????????????
Yeah whatever Zionist supremicist.Hope your joking about Obama little rich,land grabbing loser, who thinks borat is intelligent.Shut your pie hole and go bail out wall street with your stolen slave labor money from South Africa.We see you.

Anonymous said...

Can't really blame Lemond. He was the only guy not doping during his career. Got shot by his brother in-law in his prime. Got screwed by Hinault once and almost twice and Armstrong "Strong armed" Trek into stop promotong the Lemond's bikes (built by Trek) in am manner agreed to.

I think he belives he should of had Lance's career. Can't blame him.

jonathan said...

hahaha, font-tastic. i get it.

Urban Mobility Project said...

Urban Mobility Project

My answer to the ugly Organic Engines Pedicab....
Thanks for the Press!

http://urbanmobilityproject.blogspot.com/

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calamarichris said...

IMO you owe LeMond an apology. Turns out your boy was using EPO after all. :)
I read the entire blog and it was tepid, banal, and about as flavorful as ketchup on overboiled angelhair. Sorry, at least you deserve honesty.