The Indignity of Commuting by Bicycle: Compression

In yesterday's post, I mentioned that commuting by bicycle can be a battle. Well, that was certainly the case for me this morning. As I rode smugly along in the bike lane, duly obeying all the local ordinances (at least those pertaining to operating bicycles--I may have been rocking a Cone of Smugness but I only wear pants on special occasions) and silently congratulating myself for palping wheelbrows, I noticed a bike salmon approaching me head-on. Simultaneously, a taxi driver decided that now would be an opportune moment to pull over into the bike lane--so opportune, in fact, that he couldn't even spare a second to make sure nobody was there. As such, I found myself bound by parked cars on my left, a merging taxi on my right, and a moron of the order Velo-salmoniformes coming at me head-on.

At that moment, I knew that I was going to have to punch something. My first choice of course would have been the bike salmon, but there was really no way to do this since he was still a few feet away. So instead I settled on punching the taxi repeatedly, until the driver finally realized he was about to crush me and came to a stop. I lost track of the bike salmon at that moment, but I can only assume he either hopped onto the sidewalk or else leaped into the air, his white underbelly glistening in the soft light of a rainy morning. The driver was apologetic, but nonetheless I informed him that I was going to have to photograph him for my project. Here he is in the process of raising the window and quickly putting the taxi in "drive:"



And here he is alongside the guy I mentioned in the Times article:



I'm sure you'll agree the project is coming along nicely.

I wish I could say that this was my only brush with disaster in the last 24 hours, but unfortunately that is not the case, because yesterday evening I also found myself watching a few minutes of the "The Jazz Singer," starring hirsute schmaltz-monger Neil Diamond. As it happened, I tuned in during some kind of love montage, and I was amused to note that at one point Diamond and his love interest ride by on a tandem:


This was followed by the infamous Bangladeshi riot scene:


After which came one of the most tender depictions of lovemaking ever captured on celluloid:


Incidentally, Neil Diamond has a pretty impressive set of eyebrows. He may have looked pretty wobbly on that tandem, but I bet he could fix the hell out of a bike:


In more recent cycling news, Italian national champion Filippo Simeoni has returned his tricolore jersey in protest of his team's exclusion from the Giro d'Italia. Morever, Simeoni also believes that Lance Armstrong may be behind the snub, since they've got an ongoing feud and Armstrong did cockblock him on that Tour stage back in 2004. I suppose if this is true then it's somewhat troubling, though it's also pretty hard to take the whole thing seriously after all these years. Really, at this point Armstrong and Simeoni are less conspirator and victim than they are Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau in "Grumpy Old Men." I'm hoping that one day somebody makes a movie about the Armstrong/Simeoni feud, if only because Simeoni's hotheaded Italian outrage would make for some great hijinx. Just add Paul Kimmage as the pesky journalist (think the Ed Rooney character in "Ferris Bueller's Day off") and you've got comedy gold!

And fortunately for Simeoni, if he gets so fed up that he decides to leave the sport altogether, he can always get a job as a "biking concierge:"

This sounds like a perfect gig for Simeoni, since according to the article nobody has actually used this particular hotel's biking concierge yet, so he'd have all day free to sit around smoldering and plotting his revenge. This would also make a great movie--the story of a bitter and twisted Italian biking concierge in an Irish hotel could potentially be the "There Will Be Blood" of cycling movies.

Speaking of mounting pressure, the world of cycling is all abuzz recently with talk of compression garments:


This is actually a rare instance of fixed-gear riders being well ahead of the curve, since they've been wearing "compression garments" in the form of tight jeans for years:

While many have dismissed tight jeans as a fad, the truth is that the compression helps blood circulate blood to the heart. This may not translate into better cycling performance (at least as employed by the "fixters"), but it does allow them to reap maximum benefits from their American Spirit cigarettes and cheap canned beer. Unfortunately, this in turn can lead to premature aging, as you can see in the photo above.

And compression garments may not be the only thing triathletes and "hipsters" share; a reader in Seattle has spotted further evidence of the triathlon/hipster crossover in the form of this "hipsterized" Specialized Transition:


Meanwhile, a reader in the UK may have spotted a new trend in theft-prevention:



At first glance, the diminutive purple cable lock looks better suited to securing a teenage girl's ponytail than it does to securing a bike. However, upon closer inspection, a grave warning is visible:


Upon contemplating this message, the thief realizes that, if he steals this person's bike, then this person will be forced to ride his other bike: which is of course the thief's mum. And even the most hardened criminal does not want his mum to be ridden by a stranger. Thus, the stencil is indeed mightier than the lock.

Battling Stereotypes: Staying Dry in a Storm of Conflict

Cycling can be a battle. If you race, you do battle with the course and with other riders. If you commute, you do battle with traffic. If you're a randonneur (or, in English, a "rando-nerd"), you do battle with fatigue and the elements. And if you're a recumbent cyclist, you do battle with common sense. For this reason, generally speaking we cyclists tend to be docile, peace-loving people when we're off the bike. Not only have we already fought our battles while riding, but we're also just tired. For this reason, I was disappointed to learn that I've been unwittingly entered into the "Battle of the Blogs:"


I don't know what the "Battle of the Blogs" is, but my best guess is it's some kind of battle involving blogs. I also don't really understand the point of fighting against other blogs, especially when those other blogs really have nothing to do with your own. My blog, as you've probably figured out by now, is about cycling, whereas Brooklyn Vegan is about music. Here's a recent entry featuring a picture of Pete Seeger, who is celebrating his 130th birthday:



Now, I don't know who is organizing this "battle," or what they expect will take place. Are we supposed to lay down the metaphorical linoleum and take turns breakdancing? I have no intention of fighting with any blogs (except possibly "The Climb," though I think Robert Mackey probably abandoned cycling shortly after his final post), and I especially have no interest in fighting with a music blog. Moreover, I'm assuming Brooklyn Vegan is a vegan blog (judging from both the name and the absence of recipes involving animal by-products), and vegans are supposed to be peace-loving people just like cyclists are, so they probably don't want to fight me either. (Of course, the meekest of all people are vegan cyclists, who can be beaten into submission with stalks of steamed asparagus.)

So in the spirit of peace, century-old folk singers, and limp asparagus, I'm turning the other pannier on this so-called "Battle of the Blogs," and so if for some reason you're inclined to vote I encourage you to vote for Brooklyn Vegan. Hopefully that will put an end to the cycle of virtual violence, these people will stop bothering me, and I can go back to having real altercations with actual people while I'm riding.

Speaking of asparagus, a reader was recently at a Whole Foods in some part of the world, where he spotted this compelling brake lever setup:



A SCMNABL (or "Single Centrally-Mounted Non-Aero Brake Lever") is a rare sight indeed and I'm very grateful to this reader for sharing it. If someone at Brooklyn Vegan is reading right now, I hope they can somehow get word of this to Pete Seeger, who would doubtless be inspired to write a song about it. (It wouldn't be too hard; he could just take "If I Had a Hammer" and replace the word "hammer" with "Single Centrally-Mounted Non-Aero Brake Lever.") And as if the SCMNABL weren't inspiring enough, it's clear from the photos that the rider also palps a complete set of "wheel eyebrows:"



While much has been made of the "fender debate," the truth is that when it comes to "fenguards" not everybody takes a side. Some people are perfectly happy to ride a fenderless bike in good weather, and to rub a bike with fenders when conditions are poor. (You can run, rub, or palp fenders, but under no circumstances can you "rock" them. "Rocking" fenders is like "slaying" asparagus, or like a vegan being hungry enough to eat a horse.) If you're one of these craven ambi-fenderous wafflers, you probably check the weather forecast frequently so you can decide which bike to ride, and here in New York City it looks like it's definitely going to be a wet week:



At this point, Monday and Tuesday look like they're both going to be "wheel eyebrow" days, though things might dry out a bit on Wednesday so there's a chance you may not need them by then. However, rain will return later in the week, so I'm issuing a Peter Gallagher Wheel Eyebrow Advisory for Thursday and Friday:


Trust me, a PGWEA is not something you want to take lightly. You may even want to put some "wheel eyebrows" on your Land Rover for good measure:


But while you certainly can't count on dry weather in spring, you can at least count on the bridges being free of snow and ice, which is why I've been able to suspend the BSNYC Bridge Report (sponsored by Ragtote). Even so, there are occasionally other types of hazards on the bridge, so if you're still feeling apprehensive before setting out you can always check the NYC Bridge Report on Twitter, apparently brought to you by Transportation Alternatives:

I opined on Friday that the "bike community" can't work together, but clearly I've been proven wrong. Not only is it reuniting people with their lost eyeglasses, but it's also helping its members thwart the law. I guess the truth is that the "bike community" can work together, as long as "working together" means reminding people of things that are completely obvious yet stopping short of telling them that they're being stupid. Yes, of course the NYPD is ticketing cyclists for running lights and riding on sidewalks. Of course unlocked bikes are getting stolen. Still, the indignity cyclists feel when their unlocked bikes get stolen is rivaled only by the rage they feel when they're ticketed for breaking the law. Maybe next the NYC Bridge Report can issue a "schluffing advisory," or else remind local cyclists that the Williamsburg Bridge continues to connect Manhattan and Brooklyn. (Though Transportation Alternatives reminds you that they "assume no responsibility" for the Bridge Report and that it is "wholly advisory in nature," so if you cross the Williamsburg Bridge and somehow wind up in Jersey, or if you don't see a "schluffing advisory" and then get arrested for Hasselbecking somebody because you thought it was safe to ride on the sidewalk that day, don't go crying to them.)

But while the "bike community" may not believe in personal responsibility (in the "bike community," cyclists are always right as long as they're wearing helmets), the "triathlon community" is beginning to demand some accountability from its members. A reader has forwarded me this scathing article, in which a triathlon coach berates triathletes for their poor bike-handling skills:


Frankly, I'm pleased to see that somebody from the triathlon community is finally addressing this problem out in the open. Surely, one day triathletes will be able to conquer the stereotype that they can't handle their bikes. Similarly, one day people who wear short shorts and mustaches will no longer be unfairly stereotyped as people who can fix bikes:



Guy in short shorts who fixed my bike chain in williamsburg (Somewhere near the Bedford Stop)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-05-02, 5:55PM EDT

I stereotyped you as someone who knows how to fix bikes because you had short shorts on and a mustache. Anyways, I feel really stupid doing this right now but you seemed interesting, so let me know if you remember me!

Actually, I'd never heard of this stereotype, but there must be some truth to it since it seems like the mustachioed person was in fact able to help the poster. I wonder if people with thick eyebrows can also fix bikes:



If so, I'd give mine to Peter Gallagher any day.

BSNYC Firday Fun Quiz!

With the weekend nigh, a concerned cyclist has raised an interesting question:




Can Cyclists Stop Bike Thieves? - $1 (Williamsburg)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-04-30, 4:56PM EDT

I've noticed that bicycle theft seems to be on the rise, especially in my nabe of Williamsburg, and my rear wheel was recently stolen in broad daylight on a Manhattan street. What I keep wondering is, why doesn't anyone say anything when they see someone stealing a bike or parts? Or what about someone who's selling suspicious bikes or parts? Surely honest cyclists can do something to help stop this, no? Just calling the cops might be a start. Or maybe asking a suspicious guy if that's his bike/parts he's working on/selling, or where he got them. Maybe just don't buy suspicious stuff.

I gotta believe that if the bike community worked together to stop thieves all our rides might be safer. Anyhow, if you're a theif, all I can say is I hope I'm the one who sees you trying to jack a ride...


The answer to this question, is of course, "No." Firstly, the problem isn't that people don't say anything when they see bikes getting stolen; the problem is that people don't see the bikes getting stolen in the first place. This is because thieves are what experts on crime call "sneaky." Secondly, even when you do see a thief, you don't always know he's a thief. (This is part of the whole "sneaky" thing.) For example, not too long ago, I was walking down the street, juggling citrus fruit and whistling Shostakovich to myself in my usual fashion. As I perambulated, I noticed a fellow mount a department store mountain bike in front of a restaurant and then ride away. I thought nothing of it--after all, people mount department store mountain bikes and ride away all the time. However, moments later a delivery person emerged from the restaurant looking for his bike, at which point I realized I had witnessed a theft in progress. Naturally I felt bad for the victim. However, I certainly cannot be expected to stop and interrogate every person I see mounting a bicycle. Furthermore, how was I to know he was a thief in the first place? The brigand didn't even have the decency to wear a proper bandit's outfit! (See what I mean about thieves being "sneaky?") At any rate, by the time I realized what had happened, the thief was well out of citrus fruit range (I can hurl fruit with deadly accuracy) and there was little else to be done.

Actually, I should qualify that "No." There is one thing you can do to stop bike thieves. You can lock your bike properly. This doesn't always work, but it helps a lot. The delivery person's bike was locked extremely poorly, by which I mean not at all. Incidentally, to say that crime is on the rise in Williamsburg is a highly relative statement, since it's only fairly recently that people felt safe enough there to parade all sorts of expensive stuff up and down Bedford Avenue in the first place.

And as far as the "bike community" working together, we can't even agree on whether or not to use fenders, so I think forming a united crime-fighting force is still a bit far-fetched at this point. We'd never get past what kind of bikes they should ride or what kind of pedals they should use. (Somehow they'd probably wind up riding Dutch city bikes and wearing SCUBA fins.) So in the meantime, make sure to lock your bike and wheels.

Of course, locking your bike well requires a certain degree of mental acuity, and in the interest of helping you hone this acuity I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're correct you'll see either the item or some sort of affirmation. If you're incorrect, you'll be forced to endure this fixed-gear safety video.

Ride safe this weekend, and be sure to lock your bike, whip, steed, mount, ride, or crotch chariot.


--BSNYC





1) What's going on in this new "sheltered" bike lane?

--An impromptu "tween party" is taking place
--A pro-Vespa sit-in is taking place
--A commuter race is underway and this is the feed zone
--Cyclists are enjoying yet another morning commute free from obstructions





2) What's going on in this new "sheltered" bike lane?

--Somebody is hauling recycling
--Somebody is hauling dry cleaning
--Somebody has commandeered the bike lane with a flotilla of crap
--All of the above






3) The correct term for the plastic device mounted above the rear wheel of this bicycle is:

--"Fender"
--"Filth Prophylactic"
--"Mender"
--"Fudguard"






4) What are these people doing?

--Destroying acres of rainforest
--Building new mountain bike trails
--Performing their court-mandated public service after being arrested for cycling under the influence of alcohol
--Harvesting bamboo to build bicycle frames





5) What are these?

--Futuristic p-fars
--Futuristic exercise bikes
--Present-day stupidity
--All of the above





6) If you're a hipster Smurf and want a track bike, where's the best place to look?

--Craigslist
--eBay
--Your LBS
--Smurf Village






7) Which "The Smurfs" character would most likely palp this bike?

--Papa Smurf
--Grouchy Smurf
--Smurfette
--Gargamel







8) BDBMBL stands for "Backwards Dildo Bar-Mounted Brake Lever."

--True
--False

***Special Cycling-In-Non-Cycling-Publications Bonus Question!!!***

The author of the controversial Wired post "5 Inexplicable Fixie Fashions," as well as its back-pedaling follow-up, "The Great Gadget Lab Fixie Project," has recently discovered which popular cycling accessory?

--Knog Frogs
--Power Grips
--Oury Grips
--The "Bento Box"

Hell in a Handbasket: More Disturbing Signs

In yesterday's post, I posited that "hipsters" are moving towards bicycles equipped with fenders and racks. Well, it turns out I may be mistaken. In fact, it looks like they could be forsaking bicycles entirely and taking up running instead:


All of You Running as a Group on Manhattan Ave - 7 PM Tues - 26 (Greenpoint)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-04-29, 10:59AM EDT

Yesterday I was walking my dog and I saw a group of hip young individuals running east on Manhattan Ave near India Street. Guys and gals, in the bike lane. I like your pace and I wish I could join your running club. Are you looking for members? I like Propel Fitness Water, tiny shorts and long runs on the streets. I've done a marathon but these days run in the 3-5 mile range most of the time because of an ITB injury. Hope to hear from you...

A "fixie of hipsters" running en masse in a Greenpoint, Brooklyn bike lane can mean any one of the following:

--People have long spoken in hushed tones about a "hipster communication network" which can only be accessed via a secret iPhone "app." Through this network, "hipsters" receive regularly updated commands and style mandates from their consumerist overlords--an oligarchy consisting of Nike, Apple, General Electric, Bank of America, Google, and Wal-Mart Stores. For example, it was this oligarchy that recently ordered all of hipsterdom to adopt the flat-brim fitted cap. Now it seems they may have ordered "hipsters" to abandon their bicycles and take up running, most likely to increase sneaker sales.

--The Fixed-Gear Apocalypse is upon us, and we'll soon be living out a "28 Days Later" scenario in which the streets are strewn with abandoned track bikes and crazed undead jogging "hipsters" with ironic Prefontaine moustaches who feed upon the flesh of the living.

--"Hipsters" are not in fact abandoning their bikes altogether; instead, they're taking up triathlon. This is a necessity for them, as their beloved Williamsburg concert venue, McCarren Park Pool, is in fact being turned from an ironic pool back into an actual pool. Expect old-timey swimming costumes to make an ironic comeback, and don't be surprised if you see some competitors palping p-fars on the bike leg.

--They're not actually abandoning bicycles; it's just cross-training for the increasingly competitive (ahem) "sport" of fixed-gear freestyling.

Of course, it's always possible that this running was a completely non-bike related isolated incident. They may have just received a message from the "hipster communication network" that the bar they were just in was now over, and so they were running from that bar to a new, cooler bar. Also, the "hipsters" would be crazy to abandon bicycles right now. I mean, things are just starting to get good! No sooner had I finished yesterday's post than I learned about a new integrated handlebar/basket, thanks to both Trackosaurusrex and a commenter:

Yes, if you're thinking about selling that tired NJS track bike and getting in on the new practicality trend, don't be too hasty. Sure, an integrated handlebar/basket on a brakeless track bike isn't all that practical, but the new practicality isn't about actually being practical--it's about the style of practicality. Really, riding around on a Nagasawa with an integrated handlebar/basket is only slightly more practical than riding around on a Nagasawa while wearing a t-shirt with a picture of a basket on it. Actually, in a way the t-shirt's more practical, since you can take it off--or at least wear it while you ride a different bike that has brakes.

Clearly, though, baskets are hot these days. A commenter yesterday even posted a link to this picture of Ozzy Osbourne using the classic wicker variety in New York City:

As always, Ozzy's riding a "crazy train," though his friend opts for an SE Draft.

But the best baskets are removable yet fit seamlessly with both the bicycle on which they're used as well as with the needs of the rider. For example, let's just say you need to get places in a big hurry, but you also value the comfort of flat bars. Let's also say you have a fondness for light beer, and you own a small dog who accompanies you on all your beer runs. Naturally then, you'd opt for a setup like the one in the photo below, which was forwarded to me by a reader:

While it's hard to properly lock a frame like this, it's also not entirely necessary, since the dog is an effective theft-deterrent.

Really, the only downside I can see to this otherwise ideal setup (assuming you have a dog) is that it would be extremely difficult to fit fenders, or even a "filth prophylactic," to this frame. This could be especially problematic in Austria. I was recently informed by a reader in Australia that someone who once lived in Austria told her that you can get a ticket for not having fenders on your bike. Now, I couldn't be bothered to do the necessary research in order to verify whether this is in fact true, but since Austria and Australia are only two letters apart I'm just going to take it on faith. Also, while I don't know much about Austria, I have always gotten the impression that it is a society that places extremely high importance on clean pants, so it stands to reason that they'd enact this kind of legislation.

Speaking of cultural differences, the same Australian reader also reminded me that Australians (like the British) call fenders "mudguards." While it's adorable linguistic idiosyncrasies like these that make the Australians so endearing, cuddly, and koala-like, I also think that our cultures might benefit from sharing a universal term. This could either be some sort of portmanteau like "menders" or "fudguards," or else it could be a completely new term, such as "wheel eyebrows."

But regardless of whether you think "wheel eyebrows" are essential, very few people would argue that a pie plate is a necessity on a fixed-gear. In fact, the only reason one could possibly have for rubbing a pie plate on a fixed-gear could be irony, as evidenced by this example, forwarded by a reader:



For maximum irony, be sure to wear a "Drop Bars Not Bombs" t-shirt while rubbing riser bars:



But foreign countries aren't the only places you'll find alternate terms, and t-shirts aren't the only places you'll find "clever" groan-inducing wordplay; another great place to find them is in bike reviews. If you've read more than two bike reviews, you may notice there are certain words and phrases that are specific to them. For example, brakes are always "stoppers" and rims are always "hoops." Furthermore, "hoops" never have tires on them. Instead, they're always "shod" in "rubber." Unfortunately, some of these terms are now leaking out of reviews and contaminating the greater cycling and linguistic environment:




Cervelo Soloist- for TT or Road Racing - $3200 (Upper West Side)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-04-29, 4:28PM EDT

51cm sole owner Team CSC Soloist Carbon bike. Stiff, fast and race ready.
Full dura-ace, Mavic hoops- Ksyrium ES. UWS
Needs a tune up.

I strongly believe that these bike review terms must be contained. After all, where does it end? If rims become "hoops" and brakes become "stoppers," what's to prevent handebars from becoming "turners" and saddles from becoming "ass pedestals?" And speaking of contamination, if you do buy the Soloist with the Mavic "hoops" and you do take the seller's advice and bring it in for a tune-up, be careful which shop you choose:




The above is a still from an unsafe-for-work pornographic video which was forwarded to me by a reader. In order to legitimize it I not only sepia-fied and Larry King-ified it, but I also Opinionated Cyclist-ified it because, well, there were a lot of nipples and genitals to cover. (I did, however, leave the word "fuck" intact so that it might serve as a warning.) If you'd like, you can watch the video by clicking here, though I won't be held accountable for the consequences. In any event, this is certainly the most sordid bike shop affair since that episode of "Diff'rent Strokes," and it just goes to show that you never know what might be happening after hours inside your LBS. And whether you're offended or intrigued, either way you might want to think twice before you try on a helmet.

Bicycle Market Outlook: Nerve-Racking, with Chance of Fenders

The fender debate is currently gaining momentum faster than a new brakeless Pista owner on a steep descent, and I fear that it is hurtling uncontrollably towards the four-way intersection that is all-out war. Even though I am a believer in fenders, I am more importantly a believer in peace. As such, I'd like to share with you something that the pro-fender cabal (of which I am admittedly a part) does not want you to know: fenders can be deadly.






This has been my greatest winter bike ever. I loved the setup with risers so much its sucks to see it go. I was riding to work in the morning with a strong spring wind at my back. The front fender was rubbing on the tire just enough to bother me, so I tapped it over a bit with my foot. This is something I have had to do before so I thought nothing of it, until I was in mid flight. So of coarse the fender had somehow caught the smooth tire and wrap up into my fork. Instantly locking up the wheel and well throwing my ass off into the air only to land some number of feet in front of the bike. The distance I flew is what save me from major injury. I flipped almost completely around with all that hang time and rolled down onto my heals. It's hard to explain, I was shooken up a lot but came out just fine a day or two later. After I walked it off a bit I had to flip the bars around to let the wheel clear the D-tube. I rode it like that with a flat a few more miles in a daze until help came for me. This sucked (Sorry Joe)

Yes, while fenders may go a long way towards keeping your posterior dry, they can also stop your front wheel and send you soaring though the air like your messenger bag suddenly became a jet pack--which can lead to pants-wetting of a different sort. Of course, there are fenders that are designed with breakaway clips to prevent this sort of thing from happening. And perhaps more importantly, not trying to adjust your fenders with your feet while you're riding can also go a long way towards preventing accidents. This holds true for any bicycle component or accessory. Things you should not do with your feet while riding include:

--Take a drink from your water bottle;
--Steer;
--Attempt to true your wheel;
--Administer a pedicure;
--Send a text message.

Certainly, if you have monkey-like prehensile toes and your pedial dexterity is greater than your manual dexterity, you should feel free to perform bike maintenance (or operate your mobile phone) with your feet, provided that you do so off the bike. However, upright bicycles are simply not designed with simian people in mind--despite what you might think from looking at freeriders--so while you're in motion you should either use your hands or, better yet, stop completely and make any necessary adjustments. Otherwise, you could always ride a recumbent, on which your laid-back position is much more conducive to doing things like adjusting your cleats or smoothing your callouses with a pumice stone.

That said, there's something that disturbed me about this particular case even more than the fate-tempting foot nudge, and that is the fact that this rider appears to have a brakeless bike with fenders. I've been seeing more and more of this sort of thing lately. Not only are people increasingly riding brakeless bikes with fenders, but they're also riding brakeless bikes with racks. This is because they're discovering the functionality and convenience of these accessories, yet they are still committed to their brakeless ways.

For the most part, I believe that people should do whatever they want, and they should demand that any naysayers perform testilingus on them. If you want to ride brakeless, ride brakeless. If you want to palp a TTMBL, palp a TTMBL. If you want to perform an unsafe-for-work breast exam on yourself while you slay some singletrack, perform an unsafe-for-work breast exam on yourself while you slay some singletrack. However, at the same time I believe you should at least be consistent in your palpage. Should a vegan who wears a sausage necklace be allowed to call himself a vegan? No he should not. Then why should a brakeless cyclist who espouses the "zen simplicity" of brakelessness be allowed to use fenders and racks? That's like some cave-dwelling ascetic having a plasma TV and a full satellite package.

Moreover, stopping a brakeless track bike that weighs 17 pounds is one thing. Stopping a brakeless bike with loaded racks is something else entirely. When I'm on my way home from the fruit stand on my Ironic Orange Julius Bike laden with 30 pounds of bananas for my helper monkey, Vito, there's no way I'm stopping that thing without brakes fast enough to stay out of trouble. I guess that's why I see so many brakeless bikes with CETMAracks, but I've almost never seen anything actually on them. And if nothing else, brakeless bikes with fenders and racks look silly--it's the bicycle equivalent of the suit-with-shorts look.

Still, could this indicate that urban cyclists are moving away from carrying all their knickknacks and tchotchkes in messenger bags and holsters and fanny packs and are instead carrying them on their bikes? At least one person thinks they are, and he's hoping to profit from it:




Vintage Cannondale All-Terrain ATB Cruising Bike Bicycle Turquoise - $250 (Upper East Side)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-04-28, 6:52PM EDT

Bike for sale is a Vintage Cannondale SM400 in beautiful Turquoise Color. It falls in the category of ATB (All-Terrain Bicycle) or Cruising Bike. The current owner (female) is about 5' 5" tall. I believe the bike is 18" based on information a reader furnished me with. He was basing it on the information the serial number indicates.

Serial Number: 18072187078. Serial number indicates information about the size as well as the fact that it was manufactured on July 21, 1987. Bike was purchased on March 30, 1988.

The information above came from the 1987 Cannondale Catalog. My understanding is that people collect this bike as a vintage item and we were advised not to sell it yet and that as time goes on it will hit a very high value. We are currently selling a lot of our possessions because we just do not have room in our apartment to keep it.

If you would like to see a few of our other items we are selling, you can go to: http://Poconos4Sale.com Some of the prices on the items we have on the site are a little negotiable.

Thank you for looking.

Please email if you have questions about this item or other items we have listed on our other website or on Craig's List.

All the best for a happy and healthy year.

Abe



I found the bit about how they were "advised not to sell it yet" particularly compelling. Has Charles Schwab moved into bike speculation? Has the word gone out that "hipsters" are moving away from brakeless track bikes to bikes with racks, and that people should prepare to get out of Pistas and expect their vintage mountain bikes to skyrocket in value? It's possible. But is this a smart economic move? Not necessarily. First of all, this bike appears to have a clip-on rack, which is the cargo equivalent of a "filth prophylactic." Secondly, the PistaDex in New York City is still quite high, and is currently at 600:



Bianchi Pista - Fixed Gear - $600 (Chelsea)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-04-23, 9:30AM EDT

Bianchi Pista in 'gang green' color, 57 cm frame (I'm 6 ft tall), very low milage. I got her about a year ago but she hasn't seen much action. I've done all kinds of things to this bike. Brand new Brooks 'Swift' leather seat (not yet broken in) and Brooks leather bar tape (about 200$ new) included. I also respoked the front wheel radially and put on new Maxxis Detonator tires. The fork is drilled for a brake but you gotta provide your own. This is a wonderful bike in both performance and aesthetics, it breaks my heart to let her go but I need the space. E-mail me and we can set up a time to come check it out.


Then again, there are discouraging signs. Firstly, it appears from the photos that Pista owners are now embarrassed of their bicycles. Secondly, while the PistaDex is high, this doesn't tell the whole story. When I introduced the PistaDex in 2007, the NYC PistaDex was at 475 relative to a Pista MSRP of $579.99 However, a 2009 Pista now retails for a whopping $819! So in 2007 the gap between PistaDex and MSRP was only $104.99. Now, it's $219, which is more than double what it was less than two years ago. In other words, your Hipster Bike Dollar (or HBD) is plummeting in value. It very well may be that Schwab is right and that the time to get out of Pistas is on the horizon.

But I'm not convinced that vintage mountain bikes are the answer. ITTET, it's probably a better idea to stick with more conservative investments, like Chris King headsets--though you should be sure to check the Chris King Headset Composite Index (CKHCI) first, because even this is not immune to market fluctuations nor to the variations in the PistaDex. (When large numbers of hipsters sell their Pistas the headset market can also become flooded with their 1-inch Chris King headset "upgrades.") And of course another possibility is to just put everything into Bridgestone XO-1s:



I was stunned to see the above XO-1 recently in an area where I had previously seen mostly fixed-gears, and the implications are profound--this relic from the past could very well portend a more self-consciously practical future. In any case, the XO-1 is a sound financial investment, principally because it is rare, and also because it allows the seller to invoke the name of Grant Petersen. And in the often unpredictable world of cycling economics, there are two certainties:

1) All cyclists age;
2) Aging cyclists love Grant Petersen.

Best of all, if you're a "hipster" and you ditch your Pista to get one, you get to keep your beard. Just don't try to comb it with your feet while you ride.

Individualism: Innovation or Absurdity?

(The Boogeyman via "BeastGP")

I've been fortunate enough to receive emails recently from all over the world (or at least from places outside of New York) alerting me to various quirks, peculiarities, and abominations in the world of cycling. Taken individually they are entertaining, but when considered in their gestalt they paint a disturbing picture--in fact, it's a velvet portrait of pure evil. Had I seen the emerging visage of the demon Charles Nelson Reilly, I might have taken part in last weekend's mass bicycle blessing at the Cathedral of St. John the Divine:


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Frankly, I find this disturbing, though it goes a long way towards explaining all the awful riding I've been seeing recently. (I was very nearly laid out by a bike salmon yesterday evening.) Many of us may us place too much trust in our "safety kippahs" to protect us, though the truth is that danger does not discriminate by headwear. It can find you regardless of whether you're wearing a Bell, or a Giro, or a flat-brim cap, or a Euro-schmata, or a Stetson, or even a soccer ball. Certainly the helmet's still a good idea, since once disaster strikes it will protect your head better than a soccer ball will, but it's not going to keep stuff from happening in the first place. Protecting your brain is only worth so much if you're not using it in the first place. Judging from the turnout at the mass blessing, I can only assume many local cyclists have now taken their leap of faith even further by simply trusting in the Lord to protect them. I'm surprised the fixed-gear freestylers didn't also get in on this, since apparently cyclists were "encouraged to ride though the enormous cathedral," and I'd think the opportunity for them to make videos of themselves doing chainring grinds on church pews to a Slayer soundtrack would be too good to pass up.

Fortunately, though, there are riders out there who have the courage to think for themselves. They don't blindly trust in the Lord, or in a "safety kippah," or in a deflated soccer ball. More importantly, their equipment choices, bike setup, and wardrobes are not dictated by fashion. Not every cyclist is afraid to wear SPD sandals. (Though many of them should be, judging by the condition of their toenails.) Similarly, not every cyclist is afraid to commit to one set of handlebars. Here's a photograph of one bold rider who palps two, sent to me by a reader in Austin:

The dual handlebar setup does have historical precedent, and was pioneered by none other than Sheldon Brown. However, this rider takes a somewhat different approach. Instead of Sheldon's flat bar/drop bar setup mounted via two stems sharing the steer tube, this rider joins a pair of riser bars and a pair of flat bars by means of a pair of bar ends and some copper elbows:

As we've seen before, there is no greater temptation for the inventive cyclist than the bar end. In a way they're like the duct tape of cycling components. In any case, I'm not sure how secure this whole thing is, but it's certainly inspiring. Elbows of copper, balls of steel.

Speaking of unorthodox handlebar setups, another reader in Wisconsin has forwarded me this photo of a rolling mullet:



This cyclocross bike is a time trial in the front, and a mudfest in the back. As you can see, the front end sports a set of aerobars and a slick tire, and the rear rolls on a knobby tire protected by some sort of plastic protuberance. I'd hate to resurrect the dreaded "fender debate," but regardless of where you stand on fender use I do think it's legitimate to question whether these sorts of clip-on attachments actually qualify as fenders. Is a fender anything that protects you from mud or water, or must it have struts, mount to eyelets, and offer full coverage in order to be called a fender? This may not seem important, but if the word "fender" is applied too liberally than pretty much anything can be considered a fender. Would you call a soccer ball hat a helmet? No you wouldn't. Then why call a plastic diving board a fender? This should be as important to the anti-fenderites as it is to the fenderites, because a liberal fender interpretation might inadvertently place you among the fendered when you really don't want to be there. Again, I believe fender use is a personal choice, but I also think that maybe a better term for these sorts of things might be "filth prophylactic." That should keep everybody happy.

Meanwhile, half a continent away, a reader in Philadelphia snapped a shot of another innovative cyclocross bike:


Some might scoff and call this brake useless, but I disagree. Actually, levers and cables can always fail, so this particular setup eliminates those weak links by requiring you to simply pull directly on the straddle cable. Plus, you also save a lot of weight. If you think about it, it's a bulletproof setup. (Unless the bullet hits you.)

Yes, offroad-oriented bikes encourage the sort of innovation you rarely see in the staid world of road cycling. And while the Lone Wolf may ride a Lotus, the "lone wolves" of cycling have long been drawn to the mountain bike, thanks to its versatile chassis. (I don't mean "versatile" as in "practical," I mean "versatile" as in "you can bolt lots of springy parts to it.") Take this exotic example, spotted in Coney Island by esteemed commenter Kale:

"Lone wolves" often groom mountain bikes strictly for pavement use. This is perfectly natural, as "lone wolves" are outsiders who pine for the wilderness, and so they want their bikes to reflect this. "Lone wolves" also don't sit around and wait for companies to make things for them. Instead, they just do it themselves. Why sit around waiting for Campy to re-enter the mountain bike market when you can just make your own set of Boras out of your FRX5s? Note also the front and rear filth prophylactics and the kickstand. He's certainly not laying down any tricks, and he's not about to lay down his bike either--those Bora decals scratch easy.

And while our "lone wolf" basks in the heat on the boardwalk, in the closed world of fixed-gears (where no "lone wolf" would deign to tread) those idiots are still trying to sell that stupid gold bike:

I was grateful that a reader forwarded me this video, because not only was it comforting to learn that peoples' desire for golden bikes is apparently something that will never change, but also because it afforded me a closer look at the actual bicycle, which I'm beginning to suspect is just an SE Premium Ale only with crappier parts. Nonetheless, I still really want that gold bike, and I'm actually in the process of silver plating my Scattante, which I'm then planning to put on Craigslist for $50,000. Since the bike was free and I can do all the plating at home, once I sell it I'll be halfway to Gold City.

Of course, when it comes to Gold City, the big question is, "Does it rain there?" If so, I'll almost certainly want to add golden fenders to my gold bike--or, failing that, golden filth prophylactics. But as the anti-fenderites often point out, sometimes fenders alone aren't enough. As such, I was pleased to learn from another reader that I can also purchase a pair of filth prophylactis for my legs:



Though I'll probably just stick with my chicken suit:


Not only is it comfortable, but the gold bike will also match my plumage.

I am, however, considering switching from my recumbent trike to a regular bike with a noseless saddle. A reader informs me that the CDC has announced that noseless saddles can prevent "Genital Numbness and Sexual Dysfunction from Occupational Bicycling:"

I ride a bicycle to occupy myself, so even though I haven't been experiencing problems in the nether regions of my chicken suit, I figure maybe I should make the switch anyway lest I become a capon. Plus, I recently saw a fellow Scattante rider palping one, and it looked pretty sweet:


It's a good thing it's chained to the bike, since otherwise it would certainly be stolen within seconds by someone driven mad by desperation and crotchal numbness.

But yet another reader has alerted me to something even more disturbing than crotchal numbness, and that's the growing bicycle air hockey trend:

Clearly, bicycle air hockey is on track to replace bicycle polo. And while I'll be happy to see it go, I'd hate to see it happen like this.