Hell in a Handbasket: More Disturbing Signs

In yesterday's post, I posited that "hipsters" are moving towards bicycles equipped with fenders and racks. Well, it turns out I may be mistaken. In fact, it looks like they could be forsaking bicycles entirely and taking up running instead:


All of You Running as a Group on Manhattan Ave - 7 PM Tues - 26 (Greenpoint)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-04-29, 10:59AM EDT

Yesterday I was walking my dog and I saw a group of hip young individuals running east on Manhattan Ave near India Street. Guys and gals, in the bike lane. I like your pace and I wish I could join your running club. Are you looking for members? I like Propel Fitness Water, tiny shorts and long runs on the streets. I've done a marathon but these days run in the 3-5 mile range most of the time because of an ITB injury. Hope to hear from you...

A "fixie of hipsters" running en masse in a Greenpoint, Brooklyn bike lane can mean any one of the following:

--People have long spoken in hushed tones about a "hipster communication network" which can only be accessed via a secret iPhone "app." Through this network, "hipsters" receive regularly updated commands and style mandates from their consumerist overlords--an oligarchy consisting of Nike, Apple, General Electric, Bank of America, Google, and Wal-Mart Stores. For example, it was this oligarchy that recently ordered all of hipsterdom to adopt the flat-brim fitted cap. Now it seems they may have ordered "hipsters" to abandon their bicycles and take up running, most likely to increase sneaker sales.

--The Fixed-Gear Apocalypse is upon us, and we'll soon be living out a "28 Days Later" scenario in which the streets are strewn with abandoned track bikes and crazed undead jogging "hipsters" with ironic Prefontaine moustaches who feed upon the flesh of the living.

--"Hipsters" are not in fact abandoning their bikes altogether; instead, they're taking up triathlon. This is a necessity for them, as their beloved Williamsburg concert venue, McCarren Park Pool, is in fact being turned from an ironic pool back into an actual pool. Expect old-timey swimming costumes to make an ironic comeback, and don't be surprised if you see some competitors palping p-fars on the bike leg.

--They're not actually abandoning bicycles; it's just cross-training for the increasingly competitive (ahem) "sport" of fixed-gear freestyling.

Of course, it's always possible that this running was a completely non-bike related isolated incident. They may have just received a message from the "hipster communication network" that the bar they were just in was now over, and so they were running from that bar to a new, cooler bar. Also, the "hipsters" would be crazy to abandon bicycles right now. I mean, things are just starting to get good! No sooner had I finished yesterday's post than I learned about a new integrated handlebar/basket, thanks to both Trackosaurusrex and a commenter:

Yes, if you're thinking about selling that tired NJS track bike and getting in on the new practicality trend, don't be too hasty. Sure, an integrated handlebar/basket on a brakeless track bike isn't all that practical, but the new practicality isn't about actually being practical--it's about the style of practicality. Really, riding around on a Nagasawa with an integrated handlebar/basket is only slightly more practical than riding around on a Nagasawa while wearing a t-shirt with a picture of a basket on it. Actually, in a way the t-shirt's more practical, since you can take it off--or at least wear it while you ride a different bike that has brakes.

Clearly, though, baskets are hot these days. A commenter yesterday even posted a link to this picture of Ozzy Osbourne using the classic wicker variety in New York City:

As always, Ozzy's riding a "crazy train," though his friend opts for an SE Draft.

But the best baskets are removable yet fit seamlessly with both the bicycle on which they're used as well as with the needs of the rider. For example, let's just say you need to get places in a big hurry, but you also value the comfort of flat bars. Let's also say you have a fondness for light beer, and you own a small dog who accompanies you on all your beer runs. Naturally then, you'd opt for a setup like the one in the photo below, which was forwarded to me by a reader:

While it's hard to properly lock a frame like this, it's also not entirely necessary, since the dog is an effective theft-deterrent.

Really, the only downside I can see to this otherwise ideal setup (assuming you have a dog) is that it would be extremely difficult to fit fenders, or even a "filth prophylactic," to this frame. This could be especially problematic in Austria. I was recently informed by a reader in Australia that someone who once lived in Austria told her that you can get a ticket for not having fenders on your bike. Now, I couldn't be bothered to do the necessary research in order to verify whether this is in fact true, but since Austria and Australia are only two letters apart I'm just going to take it on faith. Also, while I don't know much about Austria, I have always gotten the impression that it is a society that places extremely high importance on clean pants, so it stands to reason that they'd enact this kind of legislation.

Speaking of cultural differences, the same Australian reader also reminded me that Australians (like the British) call fenders "mudguards." While it's adorable linguistic idiosyncrasies like these that make the Australians so endearing, cuddly, and koala-like, I also think that our cultures might benefit from sharing a universal term. This could either be some sort of portmanteau like "menders" or "fudguards," or else it could be a completely new term, such as "wheel eyebrows."

But regardless of whether you think "wheel eyebrows" are essential, very few people would argue that a pie plate is a necessity on a fixed-gear. In fact, the only reason one could possibly have for rubbing a pie plate on a fixed-gear could be irony, as evidenced by this example, forwarded by a reader:



For maximum irony, be sure to wear a "Drop Bars Not Bombs" t-shirt while rubbing riser bars:



But foreign countries aren't the only places you'll find alternate terms, and t-shirts aren't the only places you'll find "clever" groan-inducing wordplay; another great place to find them is in bike reviews. If you've read more than two bike reviews, you may notice there are certain words and phrases that are specific to them. For example, brakes are always "stoppers" and rims are always "hoops." Furthermore, "hoops" never have tires on them. Instead, they're always "shod" in "rubber." Unfortunately, some of these terms are now leaking out of reviews and contaminating the greater cycling and linguistic environment:




Cervelo Soloist- for TT or Road Racing - $3200 (Upper West Side)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-04-29, 4:28PM EDT

51cm sole owner Team CSC Soloist Carbon bike. Stiff, fast and race ready.
Full dura-ace, Mavic hoops- Ksyrium ES. UWS
Needs a tune up.

I strongly believe that these bike review terms must be contained. After all, where does it end? If rims become "hoops" and brakes become "stoppers," what's to prevent handebars from becoming "turners" and saddles from becoming "ass pedestals?" And speaking of contamination, if you do buy the Soloist with the Mavic "hoops" and you do take the seller's advice and bring it in for a tune-up, be careful which shop you choose:




The above is a still from an unsafe-for-work pornographic video which was forwarded to me by a reader. In order to legitimize it I not only sepia-fied and Larry King-ified it, but I also Opinionated Cyclist-ified it because, well, there were a lot of nipples and genitals to cover. (I did, however, leave the word "fuck" intact so that it might serve as a warning.) If you'd like, you can watch the video by clicking here, though I won't be held accountable for the consequences. In any event, this is certainly the most sordid bike shop affair since that episode of "Diff'rent Strokes," and it just goes to show that you never know what might be happening after hours inside your LBS. And whether you're offended or intrigued, either way you might want to think twice before you try on a helmet.

Letting it All Hang Out: Naked Riders, Vulnerable Bikes

As it grows colder (at least in the parts of the country that count), increasing numbers of cyclists will begin moving their training indoors. Personally, I'm against training. In fact, I feel that if you're against doping in cycling then you should be against training too. Some riders have access to more and better training, which in turn forces their competitors to attempt to match that training in order to level the field. In turn, the former riders seek out increasingly esoteric training methods to reclaim their advantage. The result is a cycle as vicious as it is dorky, and as anybody who's spent any time around bike racers knows, training (like drugs) can take a horrible toll on a person. Sure, training is much less likely to kill you than drugs are, but in large doses it is almost guaranteed to make you incredibly boring and unpleasant to be around. If I want to have fun, I'll ride my bike. But if I want to spend a lot of time around people who constantly monitor their bodies with electronics, can't drink alcohol, and go to bed early, I'll volunteer my time at a hospital.

If you still insist on training, you can at least minimize the risks by sticking with more old-fashioned techniques. And few techniques are more old-fashioned than riding the rollers naked:

Please note that I've made this image safe for work by applying a t-shirt and a pair of cycling shorts. Note also that I've taken the additional step of making it artistically viable by tinting it with a sepia tone. (However, as always, you are free to view the unsafe and unsepia version at your own risk here [link removed at rider's request].) Naked roller riding in front of a mirror has a number of advantages, chief among them being that it keeps you cool and it allows you to monitor both your technique and your body art. However, if you do plan to train sans chamois you might want to consider staying both comfortable and sanitary by using a saddle cover. Also, think about getting a relevant set of knuckle tattoos for additional motivation:

Get your own knuckles at the knuckle tattoo gun.

You might even consider applying the tattoo thusly so that it's legible in the mirror:

And as the winter wears on and you inevitably grow tired of the sight of your own naked and tattoed body, consider getting a top tube-mounted mahogany iPod dock:


ipod dock for bicycle (bk)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-11-09, 9:28PM EST

impress your pals with this handmade mahogany ipod touch dock. it has a cush inside and removable clip to securely hold your tunes. one of a kind. make me an offer or trade.

The only thing classier and more impressive to pals than riding the rollers naked while staring at yourself in the mirror is riding the rollers naked while staring at yourself in the mirror and simultaneously entertaining yourself with a state-of-the-art handheld device ensconced in mahogany. Though I must say that the mahogany iPhone dock is the ugliest thing I've seen on a top tube since visiting the eminently unsafe-for-work Teabags on Top Tubes. Perhaps the good people behind that site can get hold of one of these for testing (or testi-ing). I understand the seller is also working on a Zune-compatible model which will be carved from a hunk of cheddar cheese.

And stupid wooden boxes aren't the only thing you'll find on Craigslist. There's also been a tremendous surge of media interest on the subject of bike theft. In addition to the call for stories we saw last week, here's a freelance journalist who wants to hear your tales of woe:



HAVE YOU HAD YOUR BIKE STOLEN? I WANT TO HEAR ALL ABOUT IT. (NYC)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-11-07, 5:42PM EST

Hi There,
I am a freelance journalist and avid cyclist. I have had my bike stolen from me twice and let me tell you, it was a shocking and most vile experience. I have noticed more and more NYers rolling around the city and I am reluctant to rejoin their ranks because I was burned. Biking still remains an easy, efficient, pro-green and healthy-(if you don't get hit) mode of travel. The city is slowly doing their part to smooth out pot holes, create new bike lanes and some of them are even protected, but what are they doing about these bike thieves?

If any of this ring true to you, or if you have a story to share, please send me an email.

As reader Daddo pointed out in Friday's comments, the typical bike theft account generally consists of little more than "I came out of the Starbucks and turned left and it was gone!" However, I must admit that I am compelled by this journalist's claim that his own experiences with theft were "shocking and most vile." This indicates to me that there's a lot more to his story than a brief errand and a pair of bolt cutters, and I suspect that he may have been separated from his bicycle in a truly sordid manner. A reader recently informed me that the term bike-sexual has been inducted into the Urban Dictionary. Perhaps this journalist had infiltrated some kind of bike-sexual cult for a story by pretending to be one of them, only to be discovered and kept barely alive in a deep hole for months like in "Silence of the Lambs" while the bike-sexuals made perverse love with his bicycle and ultimately absconded with it. I can only hope he saw that other Craigslist ad and answered it, because if nothing else his story would surely make for compelling TV.

I can speak with more certainty to his question about what New York City is doing about bike thieves. The answer, of course, is "nothing." Though in fairness to the city, I'd much rather they focus on stuff like potholes and bike lanes. Of all the problems cyclists in New York City face, theft is the one thing over which you have some measure of control in that you can actually make it difficult for someone to take your bike from you. Unfortunately, many people in New York and across the country still lock their bikes very poorly, and I continue to receive pictures from readers of low-hanging fruit. Here are just a few cautionary examples I've received recently:

Seen on Fixedgeargallery, this bike is secured using the cunning lock-over-the-bars technique. While looping something over something else might keep a rowboat from floating away, it's not going to keep your bike from getting stolen. Although in the rider's defense, I suppose working the lock past those incredibly dorky aero extensions might cost the thief a few more seconds.


Here's a bike in Charottesville, VA locked up by the quick-release front wheel with a pair of novelty handcuffs. The only thing that might delay a thief here is deciding which is easier to open: the skewer or the handcuffs. Note the Bontrager vibration-damping bar plugs, which will ensure the thief's getaway is free from fatigue-inducing road buzz.


Like a drunk on his wedding night, this rider in Oakland, CA seems to have attempted to get it in but ultimately just given up.

Theft frequency varies from city to city, and locking jobs that are sufficient in one city can be insufficient in another. This bicycle was spotted in New York, NY and as such is completely indefensible. Even if the thief chooses not to saw through that electrical conduit for fear of electrocuting himself, both wheels are there for the taking. (Then again, they are Rolfs, which may be enough to render them inherently theftproof.)

But while even a New York thief might be able to resist a pair of Rolfs, you'd think no thief anywhere could possible resist a completely unsecured Full Force Canyon Lands with a u-lock dangling from the handlebars like a Euro pro's earring (as photographed by the proprietor of the Metal Inquisition blog). Yet amazingly, it remains. Perhaps that's because this is one of the few bicycles for which a pair of Rolfs could actually be considered an upgrade.


This bike in Austin, TX (via the proprietor of austinbikeblog.org) remains as well. Perhaps New York is even worse than I thought and a lock hanging from the handlebars really is enough to keep your bike from getting stolen in the rest of the country. Kind of like putting a napkin on top of your drink when you step away from the bar.


I guess that's why nobody's taken a pair of nail clippers and 20 seconds in order to liberate this flimsily-locked Madone in Denver, CO...

...or simply separated these two bikes in San Francisco, CA and dragged them away. Then again, I suppose this presents a conundrum to many San Franciscans, and it's not immediately apparent to them that the bikes are not actually attached to the pole. They're like a pair of Chinese linking rings.



But in its way, this image is the most vexing of all. Not because of the way it is locked, but because it may very well be photographic evidence of the only Bianchi Pista in the world to be equipped with a suspension fork. You'd think no lock on Earth would be strong enough to secure a technological marvel such as this. And it should come as no surprise that this bicycle was spotted at M.I.T., that school where all the smart people go. It clearly belongs to some mathematical genius like that guy from "A Beautiful Mind," and from the looks of it he's just moving into his paranoid and delusional stage.

And speaking of freaky bikes and doping, it seems that Roberto Heras is having a hard time finding a team despite having served his suspension. Frankly, this is shocking to me, since a reader recently brought to my attention that Heras finished second in the 3rd Brompton World Championship:

Professional cycling is truly in a shambles when professional teams are not leaping to sign the runner-up in a folding bike race. I suppose it's only a matter of time before Michael Ball slithers out of his hole in order to claim him. In the meantime, Heras better get out of those clothes and onto the rollers if he's going to win next year's race.

From Upgrading to Degrading: When Bad Things Happen to Good Bikes

Further to yesterday's post, perhaps the most compelling argument against unnecessary upgrading is the unfortunate reality of bike theft. Even the most compulsive consumer among us will admit that serial upgrading is simply another form of drug abuse, and that the immediate rush of pleasure and well-being that comes from buying an exciting new component is usually followed by a feeling of emptiness and despair that only goes away with the consumption of more carbon. And when that new product is stolen from you, the pain of withdrawal is acute and all-consuming. Take this victim's plea, to which a reader recently alerted me:

Stolen Windsor with rear aerospoke brook saddle my only asset (brooklyn)

Reply to: sale-779728746@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-08-02, 12:25AM EDT

in front of my house they stole my fix clipped my kryptonite i have been drinking heavier please any info leading to the bike will recieve a handsome reward i lost my best friend who (frame) was partly mine

the bike is a grey windsor 52 cm rear aerospoke toshi double straps brook saddle please please if your a bike shop and someone comes in to put a brake on hold it i have the police report to claim ownership

i don't want to drown in tears
and if i find you i am going to rip you apart -DEAD ASS
646593 3308

I read this with a heavy heart, as I hate to see any bicycle owner driven to drink by theft. Doubtless though the Brooks saddle and the Aerospoke, which together surely cost far more than the rest of the bike, made the loss all the more painful. Note how the victim has invested so much of his own identity into "upgrading" his bicycle that he refers to it as his "only asset." Certainly as human beings we need to stop looking at material possessions as assets, and instead should look inside of ourselves and discover the assets within. Sure, this victim may now be without a bicycle, but no thief can rid him of his true assets, which appear to include a drinking problem and a deep capacity for rage. Plus, if he's prepared to offer a "handsome reward" he must have some other material assets somewhere.

It's also worth noting that the victim suspects the thief may bring the bicycle somewhere to have a brake installed. It's a dangerous misconception among fixed-gear riders that fixed-gear riding is so difficult it actually confounds thieves and serves as a deterrent. Stories abound of opportunists who leap aboard unsupervised track bikes, only to be thrown from them like rodeo cowboys when they attempt to coast. If you subscribe to this notion, I recommend you cancel your subscription immediately. Firstly, operating a fixed-gear (even a brakeless one) simply isn't that hard, despite what many riders desperate for street cred may think. Secondly, I have it on good authority that at a recent convention for bicycle thieves held at the Sheraton in Atlantic City, NJ included a seminar on fixed-gear riding, so the more professional thieves are more than up to speed at this point.

Speaking of riders with assets, yesterday's post also inspired some discussion as to where Cervelos now rank among the monied cyclists of the world, and one commenter went so far as to posit that they have begun to "trickle down" to the common man. This may or may not be true, but it certainly is true that they have "trickled down" into the world of internet porn. The following pictorial was forwarded to me by another reader (I swear!) and the rider's assets are certainly substantial:

Of course, because the original images were "not safe for work," I've gone ahead and added additional clothing to the model in the interest of modesty. I chose the coveted Maillot Pois of the best climber in the Tour de France, mainly because I thought the spots complemented her assets, but also because even though she's not built especially well for climbing the mountains jersey seemed somehow appropriate. Her shorts were also woefully inadequate both for cycling and for covering her posterior asset (she had a considerable wedgie), so I gave her a much more sensible pair. Finally, I gave her a LiveStrong bracelet, because what Cervelo rider doesn't wear a LiveStrong bracelet? Take my word for it--she looks much better now. But if for some reason you still insist on seeing the original photo, just click here. (Keeping in mind, once again, that it may not be safe for work, unless of course you work at "Busty Legends.")


As the pictorial continues, the Cervelo remains a central theme. Once again, I've applied the more modest wardrobe, as the original photo made our Queen of the Mountains appear to be preparing for the "pinky test." Note that she's prepared for her workout quite sensibly. She has plenty of water (a bottle in each cage and another nearby) and she's got a lovely view of the harbor to keep her occupied.

Unfortunately, as the pictorial progressed it seemed to lose the plot a little bit, and the last few photos were woefully bereft of Cervelos. Instead, the focus was more on the model's post-workout shower routine. Frankly, she seemed to spend more time in the shower than she did on the bike! However, it must have been an intense workout, because she was so tired she was heavy-lidded and needed to lean against the glass shower door for support. I only hope she cleaned the bicycle as thoroughly as she cleaned herself.

I realize that some people out there might find this sort of thing degrading, and I certainly can't blame you. However, it's important to keep things in perspective. There is material out there that is far more degrading in every respect, and what's worse is you can find it on network television. The following video, forwarded to me by yet another reader, manages to demean cyclists and cycling (as well as any number of cultural phenomena and just about anybody within earshot) in a manner more offensive than a thousand buxom women being pinky-tested while riding a thousand Cervelos:

There's not a Maillot Pois in existence large enough to render this decent.

Riding Hard: Living With Bike Porn

After two days of spiritually-themed posts my soul is empty and my mind is now focused on more worldly matters—specifically, bike porn. Between photos of new crap from Eurobike and the usual cavalcade of bikes gone bad that is Fixedgeargallery and Velospace, the cycling world is full of more filth than a Congressman’s internet cache. And as a reader pointed out to me recently, people are now combining bike porn with actual porn, as you can see in this not-safe-for-work (and depending on your proclivities and intestinal fortitude, possibly not-safe-for-lunch) link.

So it would seem, like it or not, that as cyclists we must come to terms with bike porn. And I think the best way to do that is to embrace it. Not by looking at it necessarily, but by coming up with bike porn names for ourselves.

What is a bike porn name? Well, you’re probably familiar with the old formula for coming up with your porn actor name: the name of your first pet + the street you grew up on. Well, a bike porn name is the moniker you'd adopt were you to enter the sordid world of bicycle pornography. I’ve been working on various formulas for coming up with your bike porn name. These formulas are far from airtight, and they are discipline-specific, but hey, it’s a start. Feel free to make suggestions:

Bike Porn Name for Mountain Bikers

Try using the manufacturer of your first real mountain bike + the name of your local trail. Using some of the New York area trails and some hypothetical first bikes, this has the potential to yield great handles such as:

The decidedly masculine Titus Hartshorne (Hartshorne Woods, NJ)
The unisexual and bizarre ProFlex Saxon (Saxon Woods, Westchester)
and the brilliantly televisual Ritchey Cunningham (Cunningham, Queens)

Bike Porn Name for Roadies

The best method I’ve come up with is using the manufacturer of your current road bike + the name of either your local monster climb, destination, or group ride. So around these parts that yields aliases like:

The suggestive and tactile Felt Harriman (Harriman State Park)
The taxonomically suggestive Giant Bear (Bear Mountain—in Harriman State Park)
And the just plain suggestive Burley Rocket (The Rocket Ride)


Bike Porn Name for Trackies/Fixed Gear Riders

For the trackies, I think we’ve got to go with using your bike’s manufacturer + the name of your local velodrome. If we hopskotch around the US a little bit, possible monikers include:

The not-so-subtle Giant Dick Lane (Dick Lane Velodrome in East Point, GA)
The strangely ambiguous Surly Piccolo (Brian Piccolo Park in Cooper City, FL)
and the perplexing, Pennsylvania-specific, yet undeniably catchy Havnoonian Lehigh (Lehigh Valley Velodrome in Trexlertown, PA)

For the trendier urban riders who may eschew the velodrome, consider using your tattoo design + the manufacturer of your rear hub. Due to the lack of variety in both among this particular set of cyclists it might prove too constraining, but it does yield a few keepers:

Star Formula
Star Wood
Star Promax
Star Ace

...and so forth.

Of course, if that doesn’t work for you, there’s also the possibility of using your saddle manufaturer + your Deep-V color:

Regal Black
Koobi Pink
and of course the great Brooks Lavender

Bike Porn Names for Cyclocrossers

It gets tough with cyclocross, but so far I like the formula of using your brand of canti + the aspect of the discipline that gives you the most trouble. It’s far from failsafe, but it also yields some sultry sobriquets, like:

Avid Remounts
Empella Runups
Paul Pitting
and Spooky Stuttersteps

Again, these are just jumping-off points, and these formulas certainly won’t work for everybody. So if you want a good bike porn name (and who doesn’t) you’ll have to be creative. Thanks for reading, and please accept my apologies.