Friday, May 1, 2009

BSNYC Firday Fun Quiz!

With the weekend nigh, a concerned cyclist has raised an interesting question:

Can Cyclists Stop Bike Thieves? - $1 (Williamsburg)
Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2009-04-30, 4:56PM EDT

I've noticed that bicycle theft seems to be on the rise, especially in my nabe of Williamsburg, and my rear wheel was recently stolen in broad daylight on a Manhattan street. What I keep wondering is, why doesn't anyone say anything when they see someone stealing a bike or parts? Or what about someone who's selling suspicious bikes or parts? Surely honest cyclists can do something to help stop this, no? Just calling the cops might be a start. Or maybe asking a suspicious guy if that's his bike/parts he's working on/selling, or where he got them. Maybe just don't buy suspicious stuff.

I gotta believe that if the bike community worked together to stop thieves all our rides might be safer. Anyhow, if you're a theif, all I can say is I hope I'm the one who sees you trying to jack a ride...

The answer to this question, is of course, "No." Firstly, the problem isn't that people don't say anything when they see bikes getting stolen; the problem is that people don't see the bikes getting stolen in the first place. This is because thieves are what experts on crime call "sneaky." Secondly, even when you do see a thief, you don't always know he's a thief. (This is part of the whole "sneaky" thing.) For example, not too long ago, I was walking down the street, juggling citrus fruit and whistling Shostakovich to myself in my usual fashion. As I perambulated, I noticed a fellow mount a department store mountain bike in front of a restaurant and then ride away. I thought nothing of it--after all, people mount department store mountain bikes and ride away all the time. However, moments later a delivery person emerged from the restaurant looking for his bike, at which point I realized I had witnessed a theft in progress. Naturally I felt bad for the victim. However, I certainly cannot be expected to stop and interrogate every person I see mounting a bicycle. Furthermore, how was I to know he was a thief in the first place? The brigand didn't even have the decency to wear a proper bandit's outfit! (See what I mean about thieves being "sneaky?") At any rate, by the time I realized what had happened, the thief was well out of citrus fruit range (I can hurl fruit with deadly accuracy) and there was little else to be done.

Actually, I should qualify that "No." There is one thing you can do to stop bike thieves. You can lock your bike properly. This doesn't always work, but it helps a lot. The delivery person's bike was locked extremely poorly, by which I mean not at all. Incidentally, to say that crime is on the rise in Williamsburg is a highly relative statement, since it's only fairly recently that people felt safe enough there to parade all sorts of expensive stuff up and down Bedford Avenue in the first place.

And as far as the "bike community" working together, we can't even agree on whether or not to use fenders, so I think forming a united crime-fighting force is still a bit far-fetched at this point. We'd never get past what kind of bikes they should ride or what kind of pedals they should use. (Somehow they'd probably wind up riding Dutch city bikes and wearing SCUBA fins.) So in the meantime, make sure to lock your bike and wheels.

Of course, locking your bike well requires a certain degree of mental acuity, and in the interest of helping you hone this acuity I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're correct you'll see either the item or some sort of affirmation. If you're incorrect, you'll be forced to endure this fixed-gear safety video.

Ride safe this weekend, and be sure to lock your bike, whip, steed, mount, ride, or crotch chariot.


1) What's going on in this new "sheltered" bike lane?

--An impromptu "tween party" is taking place
--A pro-Vespa sit-in is taking place
--A commuter race is underway and this is the feed zone
--Cyclists are enjoying yet another morning commute free from obstructions

2) What's going on in this new "sheltered" bike lane?

--Somebody is hauling recycling
--Somebody is hauling dry cleaning
--Somebody has commandeered the bike lane with a flotilla of crap
--All of the above

3) The correct term for the plastic device mounted above the rear wheel of this bicycle is:

--"Filth Prophylactic"

4) What are these people doing?

--Destroying acres of rainforest
--Building new mountain bike trails
--Performing their court-mandated public service after being arrested for cycling under the influence of alcohol
--Harvesting bamboo to build bicycle frames

5) What are these?

--Futuristic p-fars
--Futuristic exercise bikes
--Present-day stupidity
--All of the above

6) If you're a hipster Smurf and want a track bike, where's the best place to look?

--Your LBS
--Smurf Village

7) Which "The Smurfs" character would most likely palp this bike?

--Papa Smurf
--Grouchy Smurf

8) BDBMBL stands for "Backwards Dildo Bar-Mounted Brake Lever."


***Special Cycling-In-Non-Cycling-Publications Bonus Question!!!***

The author of the controversial Wired post "5 Inexplicable Fixie Fashions," as well as its back-pedaling follow-up, "The Great Gadget Lab Fixie Project," has recently discovered which popular cycling accessory?

--Knog Frogs
--Power Grips
--Oury Grips
--The "Bento Box"


Anonymous said...


Luck E. Seven said...

Love is a fist!


Anonymous said...


Greg said...

top 10

mattoidbunko said...

Git down, git down

Anonymous said...

Ohhhh yeah, mutha fuckas.

Seanywonton said...

top 10 or somethign!

Anonymous said...


Busted for doping again. It really is time to retire...

wishiwasmerckx said...

Another top 10.

tom said...

Clawing my way up through the cars...

ringcycles said...

Oh, another Hammond

ant1 said...


CommieCanuck said...

anonymous racers are losahs.

Anonymous said...


g said...

only missed one. Why's it everytime I see someone playing darts I can't help but think of Young Frankenstein and say "nice grouping"?

Anonymous said...

Toss me a caber, I got 100%

mikeweb said...


Anonymous said...

I missed with "bento box" cuz I just saw one on a bike walking to work.

Disgruntl Ed. said...

SCUBA is an acronym for "self-contained underwater breathing apparatus."

"SCUBA fins" is an abomination.

As am I.

First self-reflective whine.

wishiwasmerckx said...

My theory explaining the late postings is that Snob had to take a second job as a school crossing guard to supplement his meager blog earnings, and thus he gets a late start on the blog each morning.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Frilly, with all the pro teams coming to ToM, are we going to break internet protocal and anonimity and all crash on your living room floor when we come to town to watch the race?

Seanywonton said...

Bonus Question #2

How many Quaaludes was the fixed-gear safety narrator on when he did that voice-over?

ant1 said...

Anonymous posters, due to their lack of participation in the UCI's blog passport program, are not elligible to race. Their presence is however tolerated due to the sometimes amusement legal posters get out of their posts.

Luck E - what I heard was that love is a battlefist.

d said...

i'm assuming BSNYC has a non-blogging job because he commutes. late posting remains unexplained.

ironically the filth prophylactic shown in #3 looks a little like what i imagine a blown-up condom might look like. i've never actually blown up and tied off a condom. suddenly aware of how much there is left undone in my life.

b said...

I hope there are scenesters on here able to answer this: Are kickstands cool on fixies? If I showed up on my MTB for a ride with a kickstand I would get laughed off the trail.

hillbilly said...

man, anonymous is having quite a year!

have a great weekend (as in all y'all)

Anonymous said...

Sure, why not? The protocol will already be a little broken any way from Team Fatty Philly.

b said...

seanywonton: NO KIDDING. I couldn't make it through very much of that video. Awful...

c said...

only if it has a break lever mounted on it

Anonymous said...

What? No Smurf porn? I was sure that's where the Smurf thing was going.

Oh well, have a great weekend everybody!

Anonymous said...

b: no

Shram said...

5 of 8--I suck!

2nd self-reflective comment?

Luck E. Seven said...


Ant1 -

Think less Pat Benatar and more Mike Patton.

There's no effort
To what's in...


ant1 said...

Luck E - did you hear FNM is going on tour again?

NatMc said...

My three favorite parts of the safety video:

--the implication that the only way to mount a fixie is cowboy style.

--when the guy going downhill veers off the road and crashes.

--and when he says hop-skidding allows you to "stop quickly."


(yes, i'll admit i watched the whole thing.)

Luck E. Seven said...

Ant, I had not heard that. Sounds like another nostalgia tour.

We care a lot? Let it die, already!


Surly Bastard said...

Great Firday Quiz! Another masterful week of posts, thanks for all the laughs Snob!

However I managed to contract some exotic virus or flu from yesterday's post. I don't know if it was that Soft-Ride with the basket, Ozzy, or watching that nasty-ass porn (hey who lubed the bottom bracket on the Townie? They got shit all over the floor ...).

I was having fun until then.

The voice-over on today's Fixed Safety "film" didn't help much either.

I'm going to be sick now. Have a safe weekend ... stay well.

CommieCanuck said...

surly..I got sick too.. I think it was from Smurfette..some parts of the anatomy, even on a smurf, are not supposed to be blue.

kale said...


You can always say it's ironic, and your new friends will laugh with you while you feign ignorance.

Plus, they can be used as a weapon to stab street urchins.

RANTWICK said...

I now have a growing and inexplicable dislike for that WIRED gadget blogger guy... Thanks to BSNYC and Sheldon Brown, I've known about all his content for a long time... but why does it make me so angry, like all out of proportion angry? I need to mellow out, man... funny post again, snob. Mellow weekends to all.

southpole said...

over here, nazis prevented critical mass.
well, fuck them (instead).

CommieCanuck said...

Smurf Porn, softcore.

Smurf porn, hardcore.

Smurf porn, kinky.

smurf porn, WTF.

Let me know if you need any more help.

Brianne said...

Has anyone seen this video?

As a social experiment, a guy in Manhattan steals his own bike in broad daylight using a variety of tools (bolt cutters, hacksaw, angle grinder) to see if anyone will try and stop him. I wont ruin the ending, but lets say being a thief is easier than you might expect.

Surly Bastard said...

CC: only one of the following items should ever be considered edible:

( ) Dollop of mayo under the repair stand at the LBS

( ) Baby Ruth bar floating in a swimming pool

( ) Green bread

( ) Blue vagina

leroy said...

Almost perfect score. Who knew what a bamboo harvest looks like?

And even if I did, could I trust my judgment? Things aren't always what they seem.

Just the other evening, I may or may not have seen a bike theft.

Two guys sawed a chain off a properly locked bike and tossed the inert hulk into a car trunk much like Jim's description of "date night" for the Opinionated Cyclist.

The problem was, the bike had been properly locked to the same pole for at least the past seven months and was decomposing. Can you steal something that has been abandoned?

Could the seven month layover been explained by a lost key and the car trunk explained by the fact that the bike was un-rideable?

The other problem: neither fellow was dressed like the Hamburglar.

In situations like these, I rely on the animal instincts of my ferocious attack poodle who accompanies me on late night jaunts around the neighborhood.

He seemed particularly uninterested.

Maybe it was because I would never let him lift his leg on the bike no mater how badly it decomposed.

Ride safe all!

kale said...

Oh, b... I forgot to mention you need to slay this one, or you ain't cool.

Anonymous said...

Safety from da UP, eh!

CommieCanuck said...

The irony: while that guy in Williamsburg was posting that ad at a Starbucks (you know, the place where people go to do real laptop work), ...his bike got stolen.


BiZZiD said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Paul Bowen said...

"we can't even agree on whether or not to use fenders, so I think forming a united crime-fighting force is still a bit far-fetched at this point."

Gen-yoo-wine lolz there snobbers, and props for the excellent use of 70s darts footage (this was actually popular entertainment in the UK in the 70s, it's not some sort of niche programming).

Rub/rock/palp a fab weekend one and all.

Double Deed said...

Lovin - that's is messed up. How come those guys keep stealing the same bike?

Seriously though, it goes to show how far down we have become. Community? Hah. I like how the lady starts running as she passes him with the cutter/grinder ... for the bus!

If someone really wants to catch thieves, poorly lock or don't lock a bike at all, hide somewhere with a camera (preferably with a buddy who can cover other escape routes) and nab the sucker. Sting operation style. It takes patience but by the look of things in NYC it would take about 30 seconds to get someone to take the bait.

Double Deed said...

oops, that's messed up, not that's is messed up ... depending on which ebonics course you've taken.

CommieCanuck said...

Paul, the darts on the UK TV was not about the obese half-drunk players, it was about that awesome announcer and his superior voice modulation. I talk like that daily since then.

Coffee? ONNNNE!!! (dollar) and FIFTY FOURRRR!!!

forty f15teen said...

Really, Williamsburg just needs it's own Shadow Hare: are some safe streets in Cincinnati.

Wes said...


And the descriptions. Steve Beaton, bronzed Adonis.

And Surly, never mind blue vaginas, how do you get the link to turn blue?

Johnny La Rue said...

While you're giving poor Charlie Sorrel the gears, don't forget that he also had his bike stolen last summer:

And what a fine looking bike it was!

red neckerson said...

i thinks you is rong bike snob i thinks we can prevents folks steeling our bikes

i wuz walking along the road in viper and i saw some feller who looked like he mite be thinking of steeling my bike

so i beet the shit out of him

i guarateee you he aint gonna be steeling my bike any time soon

Paul Bowen said...

Commie: ah yes, forget the guy's name but I know exactly who you mean. He set the standard really, all darts callers since him have used his basic template. If you like him you may also want to explore the god of darts commentary, Sid Waddell - if you can understand him. "Only one word for that: magic darts!" is a personal favourite but there are a million others.

AnnaZed said...

Sorry, I couldn't take this quiz.

Whenever I see a person use the non-word "nabe" to mean "neighborhood" my mind just freezes and I can't go on reading. I assume the person is either plug ignorant, lazy or both.

You guys can let me know if I am correct about that.

hillbilly said...

anna - couldn't agree more, absolutely hate that

KVonnegut said...

Holy Crap, another title typo!

Is that an ironic misspelling, to help weed out the anal retentives?

Just wondering. I'm kinda self-conscious about my stickler-ness.

hillbilly said...

anyone been to the new bike store that was supposed to open today on 9th st in park slope? cracks me up they say they will be "appealing to a niche audience" which will include "most cyclists"

rossannarossannadanna said...

Rossanna danna has an uncle Stan who races and owns a bunch of bikes and has never had one stolen. Uncle Stanadanna said forget expensive cable locks and heavy chains, go to the novelty store and buy one of those fake rubber dog poo's. Then when you leave your bike somewhere just place the poo on top of the saddle. This will deter the bike thieves as even the most hardened criminal is afraid to touch dog poo.

Anonymous said...

I really hope that BSNYC expands on the Wired contributor's comment that when it rains he'll leave his Fixie at home and take the Dutch. Are the hipsters taking up the Dutch bikes as their backup and rain bikes? The end must be near indeed.

b said...

Thanks Kale! Err.... Swiss army kickstand?

hillbilly said...

Top Tube Pad

These were first seen on BMX bikes back in the 1980s, and did about as much good than as today. A thin foam cylinder wrapped around the top-tube does little to protect the family jewels from a whack, but it does at least protect the knees from a knock when you bail on a 360ยบ endo. For a fixie, though, it is nothing more than posing — if the riders were that worried about safety, they’d buy a front brake.
I happen to agree with the guy, but there is clearly a front brake on the bike in the pic

DW said...

Okay, here's the thing. After watching a hipster in Portland faceplant off their fixie (mixte with flat pedals) while dumping the scalding cup of coffee on themselves they were holding in one hand while trying to stop without brakes right in front of a breakfast crowd on Belmont...well, I swore fixies were stupid.

Yet here I am, two years on, having just ordered my own.

Being a dutiful reader of BSNYC, I do hereby pledge to not commit any of the egregious fixster faux-pas listed with all my bikes, the saddle will be level, the top-tube unshod with cloth, the bars properly dropped and 44cm wide, with machined brake surfaces, and yes, a useable lever mounted in a useable place, with a cable running to a useable brake.

My new IRO may not be IRO-nic, but it will be fun to ride...and by ride, I mean ride, not jaunt daintily to the coffee shop on.

Great writing.

Keep up the goods.

flaco said...

OK, here's the thing, I really don't like it when people start sentences like that.

Sorry Dan, I'm sure you're perfectly nice, but I'd like to break people of this habit, and to Wired guy, you mean "then", not "than".

I feel better now, sorry to be such a dick

flaco said...

wait a minute, he was right, it's just that it is a crappy ass sentence. i'm a douche

ant1 said...

flaco - welcome to the club

Wes said...


How about capitalised ands - I'm a great believer in them?

And Ant1, do you mean the douche club? Or Doucher, like Goucher?

Matthew Ruscigno said...


flaco said...

Wes, I don't mind that, I don't mind quirks, and I commit a billion written faux pas a minute, but the overly conversational starting a sentence like people were waiting with bated (baited?) breath for your declaration drives me apeshit. I think snob had a hysterically well put thing about it once that hit it right on the head, but I'm not that smart or funny, so I just bitch like a jerk.

team douche, i believe

Wes said...

Every group needs someone who can bitch like a jerk. My friends have me. What they don't understand is that sometimes, someone has to care enough to moan. Am I the only one who gives a shit about the rules?

Bated (unles you're trying to catch a mouse and it's scented with (fierce) cheese).

Anonymous said...

Fenders schemders . . .

How about vintage mudflaps snob?*NOS*-VINTAGE-WHITE-BICYCLE-FENDER-MUD-FLAP-RAT-ROD_W0QQitemZ110366530525QQcmdZViewItem

or hipster Brooks leather mudflaps . . .

the Brooks jobbies cone in black, honey and antique brown

Where do you stand on this subject?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 5:44pm,

I stand splattered by the road spray of disgust.


Snap-Crack-Pops said...

My bike shop told me I should replace my chain that has a little rust on it, because the rust weakens it and it may snap.

So I replaced it the third time with a Wipperman stainless steel chain and now I'm safer!

Do they make a steel-belted tire for skid-stopping? I really like skidding down an incline and striking potholes with the front wheel and now wear an old catcher's chest protector from the Goodwill (it's totally Mad Max with the shinguards), but I often wear out rear tires and my front wheel is wobbly.

Oh... steel-belted toe-straps and reinforced toe clips would be nice.

Can U help?

Anonymous said...

... and every group needs someone who can jerk like a bitch.

Wes said...

Toucher. (Keep calm DisgruntlEd - Touche with a thing on the e.)

DW said...

Hey Flaco. It's bated. And if reading on the interwebs pisses on you so much, why don't you fuck yourself right over to the library and pick up some Wilkie Collins. Me thinks she'd fit your flaccidity quite nicely.

Or maybe I shouldn't take you as an uptight educated prick with a phd your mommy boughtcha. Maybe you're just a prick. Or maybe I am. Doesn't really matter anymore.

Oh shit, I forgot a subject in that last sentence. Here we go again.

Anonymous said...

unlettered oaf.

Anonymous said...

Damn Snobby that guy takes way better photographs while he jerks it over those luscious knog frogs. You should have him follow you and take the pictures for your blog, that guy could squeeze a dignified sense of sexuality out of the rain-encrusted bottoms of an ash tray.

Fierce Panties said...

I can't stop thinking about Danny MacAskill, so that's why I failed the Friday quiz.

I have attempted and failed every Friday quiz on BSNYC this year, my cycling ability and test scores correlate.

What is the What said...

Flaco, I think you're right. Dan's a nice guy. But you really pissed off Carrie. And she is apparently a bit of a c*nt.

(Dude, I'm real sorry about that capitalized "and".)

Anonymous said...



Okay, here's the thing...

brettok said...

All I can think about is Pat Benatar, spreadeagled and bent over saying "love is a battlefield" while Mike Patton stands behind, poised, saying "no, Pat, love is a fist..."

flaco said...

Damn dude, take it easy, I fully acknowledged my dickishness, no need to get all worked up just because I didn't like the phrasing, no biggie, you coulda just stopped at 'go fuck yourself' or something without telling everybody about my (very) little secret

flaco said...

PS - I have no idea what a Wilkie is and don't have a doctorate, purchased by my mother or otherwise. Now you're just rubbing it in.

Anonymous said...

I'm a registered cycleanalyst. I have done a workup of bsNYC and I fear that he is a closeted hipster. All the sign are there. I certain that he keeps his hipster duds in a secret closet behind the faux bookcase. Full length mirrors in front of which be can prance in all of his Hipishisness. Fake knucke tattoos too. I sense one set of tattoos reads T Y L R ... H M L Tn

Anyhow that'll be $400.00 cash NEXT!

Doktor Sigmund Fried


La La La La HmmmmHmmmmmHmmmm Hmmmmm Glub Hmmm La La La La Suck Suck Suck Smack La La La La Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.............

Unknown said...

I got 'em all right except for the Smurf question. Stupid Smurfs!

p sloper said...

bsnyc is that you that rides the black surly up sterling everyday?

7300 miles said...

The Ciclotte makes me laugh. Read their website, i quote:
"Ciclotte is a work of art, designed and made in italy, which differs from other traditional exercise bike or piece of home fitness equipment as it breaks free from the usual concept of exercise equipment being closely tied to functionality"

Hmmm...breaking away from its useless?

Anonymous said...

First "righty" kickstand I've ever seen.

Wes said...

Surely it's cheating following a quiz?

Wes said...

I'll let you be the judge.

Wes said...


Bluenoser said...

Missed it by that much.


Anonymous said...


DW said...

Shiz, Flaco, I just playin too.

All in good fun.

FYI--Wilkie Collins is probably my single most hated writer from the 19th century. The kind of crap some fat old cynt in an english department would take much pride in assigning to fragile young minds on the summer reading list.

So yes, saying you'd enjoy reading it...well, that's a little over the top as far as an insult goes.

Back to bikes.

theshepherdsdog said...

Dan and Carrie Williams; "jaunt daintily to the coffee shop" awsome!

flaco said...

Ouch, well in that case I consider myself toasted.

Better now, just needed a little of the ol, um, well er, better now, man was I a jerk yesterday.

Thanks, have a good day

Anonymous said...

This is a call to everyone to please step outside the right vs. left paradigm. While there are important issues worth debating within this paradigm, all of them will be moot if we do not focus on a much greater issue outside this paradigm. Thomas Jefferson warned of wealth concentrating to such an extent that it threatened the state. Nowadays the media has taught us all very well to ridicule anyone who talks of central banks usurping the power of government. Well now I suppose the media will have to laugh at themselves, as many outlets from Newsweek to the Financial Times of London are openly discussing the creation of a "bank of the world" that will control economic policies of every nation. I invite you to watch this video, which details how this is currently taking place. While it focuses on our current officials' cooperation with these plans, it steps out of the typical political paradigm by highlighting the cooperation of both parties. Please do not look to politicians to protect us. Only we can protect us. And our first step must be to reach out to police and military. Without their cooperation, the global elite won't have the muscle to exercise their will of oppression. Please share this oath-keepers blog with them.

The Hokey Pokey said...

You put your right hand in
you put your right hand out

(You know the rest...)

prodavam said...

nice blog

Daily Mobile said...

rly nic Pictures men ;)

ant1 said...

anon 6:19 - will they have time to set up this world ruling central bank before the aliens come back and implement step 2 of their plan?

Artie said...

What is Firday? Isn't that the ideal day to commute on your crabon frame bike?

mikeweb said...

Maing, my browser really don't like that bamboo bike website.

Switching to Panda browser v. 2.0

CommieCanuck said...

It's pronounced FEAR in "bike thieves have something to FEAR now".

My crabon foot imprint up their ass.

hillbilly said...

patiently waiting for the inevitable "man, he's so late, he never used to be this late, totally jumped the shark" comments. they always amuse me.

Anonymous said...

oh the fixed gear safety video (and comments e.g. "basically I feel like I have down-syndrome after watching this). brings tears to my eyes.

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