So What Now? Coaching and the End of Summer

On the surface, it might appear that cycling is simple. But nothing could be farther from the truth. The world of cycling is vast and confusing, and as such sometimes people need to pay other people to tell them how, when, and where to ride their bikes. These other people are called "coaches." So with the summer drawing to a close, it would make sense that riders everywhere are asking the question, "What now?" And their coaches are more than happy to tell them.

I myself have consulted two coaches, Chris Carmichael and Matt Shriver, by reading their recent columns in Bicycling and VeloNews respectively. (Fortunately for the clueless, there is such a thing as free advice.) Both had interesting yet differing opinions on what to do now that summer is drawing to a close. Here's what they had to say:


(CC) Now that I have the sub-nine-hour Leadville 100 monkey off my back, I'm suddenly in need of something new to set my sights on. ...I know myself well enough to know I'll get restless if I don't set some goals for the late summer, fall and winter.

Hmmm, when I get restless I just ride my bike. I don't really need goals to do that. I could understand not wanting to play soccer without goals, since then you're just kicking a ball around a field, but cycling without goals works just fine. In fact, cycling with goals is a problem. Because then you have bike polo, and no coach no matter how crazy would tell a person to do something that stupid.

(MS) The dog days of summer are over, the days are getting much shorter and the road and mountain bike racing events are few and far between. ... Yes, it is important to take a break from structured training and racing, but rather than completely racking your bike for the fall months and watching college football, hang on to some of that fitness and avoid losing what you have gained.

Ah yes, the "use it or lose it" approach to cycling. It's a sin to let go of your fitness, even if you don't really need it, yet it's also a sin to ride your bike outside of training and racing, because as everybody knows that's called "junk miles." This is a telling glimpse into the mind of the roadie, who is always the width of a chamois away from ditching the bike and embracing his inner jock by watching organized ball sports, and who must constantly trick himself into riding his bicycle.

(CC) Fortunately, I live in Colorado, and August through October is the perfect season for cycling in the high country. ... And so, I've decided on a very simple late-summer plan: I'm going daytripping.

Now that I did not expect. I was sure he'd be on to whatever this season's trendy cross-training technique is. (Word is that this winter it's all about caber tossing in order to build core strength.) I didn't even know "daytripping" counted as a goal. I thought it was just "junk miles!" Intriguing.

(MS) The fall air and shorter days mark the commencement of another cyclocross season. Become part of the fastest growing division of cycling and have fun on your bike year round!

Hey, I love fun and I love being part of trends! I've also heard of cyclocross. That's the one that has running, but not stupid running like triathlons, right? Sign me up! Do I get to buy a new bike?

(CC) There are a lot of racers and cycling enthusiasts out there like me: folks who finished up their main goals for the season and still have a lot of great fitness they can put to use.

So basically, Chris, you're saying fitness is like when you're in a foreign country and you have a pocket full of local currency with only two hours before your flight home, so you've got to squander it on crap before you leave? I guess I can relate.

(MS) Whether you plan on competing in multiple back to back 'cross racing weekends or just want to attend some fun group rides and maintain fitness, focusing on some key elements will help you get the most out of your cyclocross season and prepare you for your upcoming road or mountain bike endeavors.

Wait, what's this about "focusing on some key elements?" I thought this was about having fun! I don't want to "prepare" for my "upcoming road or mountain bike endeavors." I know I've said I believe in living in the future, but for some reason when I hear you say it it just sounds scary. I'm looking for excuses, not excellence.

(CC) The best part about these post-goal rides is that there's no pressure. You have the fitness to go fast, and the freedom to stop and admire the view - or add another 30 miles if you feel like riding some more before you finish up for the day. If this sounds like you, go ahead and map out some great day trips in the next six weeks. Summer has been great, but it's not going to last much longer, so don't let these precious warm-weather weekends pass you by.

You always kind of freaked me out, but right now you're making sense to me. Which freaks me out in a different way--kind of like when you listen to a Scientologist and you catch yourself thinking, "Hey, maybe there's something to it." Too bad I live in New York City, which is a total craphole, and not in Colorado like you do.

(MS) Once you feel rested and have had that cabin fever like itch or desire to get back on the bike, it is time to begin your cyclocross specific training. This is a transition period back into a structured training regime and it is important to ease back into it.

Translation: now that you've decided to have fun, it's time to begin the highly structured and rigorous process of engaging in that fun.

(CC) Where am I going? Well, I don't have all my trips figured out, but I'm definitely going to spend some time riding with Lance Armstrong in Aspen, and I'm working on expanding some of my ride-trips to include some camping with my kids and some out-of-town time with my whole family.

What?!? Riding with Lance Armstrong? Then the comeback rumors must be true! Maybe now VeloNews can publish an article that actually names a source.

(MS) Start with some base building... running... run two or three times in your first week... running... running fitness...

I don't like running.

(CC) ...a couple of the places I want to hit are: Monarch Crest Trail... Kenosha Pass-to-Breckenridge... Buena Vista-to-Crested Butte...

Well doesn't that sound nice. Are any of those places near my craphole? I didn't think so.

(MS) Your routine should at minimum address your back muscles, your lower abdomen, internal oblique's, hip flexors, and your upper body as well.

What's with all the chiropractor jargon? I don't even know what those things are. I thought this was about riding bikes.

(CC) ...Independence Pass... My biggest question is whether I should ride the pass into Aspen at the beginning of a nice weekend with my family, or end a nice weekend with my family by riding the pass out of town (and having them pick me up in Twin Lakes).

Oh, gee, Chris, however will you decide? I get to decide things like, "Should I ride through the gauntlet of Manhattan, over the George Washington Bridge, and into the sweaty crotch that is New Jersey, or should I ride through Brooklyn and Queens and onto the vast springboard to nowhere that is Long Island? Or maybe I'll drag my bike to some vacant lot in the suburbs and do some 'mountain biking'." Though I see you're right about the goal thing. I'm setting a cycling goal right now, and that is to move the hell out of New York.

(MS) Adding the weights portion will require more time to complete the workout session as well as proper weights phases, beginning with the Anatomical Adaptation phase and progressing from there.

Are you still talking?

(CC) I suppose I could do both...

Good for you.

(MS) ... sloppy mud, long run ups, double sets of barriers...

You know what? I think you just talked me out of this whole 'cross thing.

This Just In: Big News in Pro Cycling!

I'm sure by now most of you have seen this shocking piece of news:

Yes, that's right, apparently up until now Bobby Julich was still racing, which we can infer from the fact that he's just announced his retirement. While we'll all be sad to see Bobby go (even though many of us thought he already had), at least it will make room for some fresh, new faces in the peloton. Personally, I think he's making a wise choice. He's already 36, and to race professionally at 37 would be ridiculous.

And now back to the Fun Quiz.

BSNYC Monday Fun Quiz!

I'm extremely fortunate in that readers often share wonderful bits of bike-related absurdity with me. In turn, I would like to share some of them with you. However, my munificence is always tinged with a bit of sadism, and since it is a Monday in September I am going to do so in the form of a quiz. As usual, study the question and choose your answer. If you're right, you'll know it. If you're wrong, you'll pay a visit to the Blue Oyster bar from "Police Academy."

Thanks, and good luck.

--BSNYC





Where can you find the World's Most Expensive Bianchi Pista?


--Tampa, FL

--Columbus, OH

--Austin, TX

--Phoenix, AZ


What is the maximum load for this Bontrager carbon fiber seatpost rack? (Hint: at full MSRP you're paying $22.73 per pound of hauling capacity.)

--7 lbs

--11 lbs

--15 lbs

--Less than the weight of the rack itself





According to the New York Times style section, bike messengers:


--are the best-dressed people in the service industry.

--are ditching the hoodie for the blazer.

--wear black stretch bodysuits underneath their clothes.

--are hot, hot, hot!

Where was this bike spotted?

--Bartertown

--Austin, TX

--Baton Rouge, LA

--Boston, MA

Which will not be a 2009 special edition Specialized Langster?

--Langster Berlin

--Langster Tokyo

--Langster Las Vegas

--Langster Monaco

Which is not an actual quote from a recent Chicago Tribune article in which a reporter bravely tries to ride a fixed-gear?

--"There were clips to lock my feet to the pedals—apparently one of the best ways to exercise control. But I placed my feet on the reverse side, fearing I would not be able to pull out of the clips in time if I ran into trouble."

--"For one brief moment, I felt that 'Zen' sensation fixed-gear riders always talk about. Then I fell down."

--"As soon as I pushed down on the left pedal, I realized this was radically different than riding a multiple-gear bike with brakes. At no moment were my legs still. As long as the wheels moved, the pedals moved."

--"Experienced riders had told me how they lift the back tire off the ground with their legs and bring it down in a hopping or skidding stop. But no way was I going to try that."

Fixed-gear cycling is all about simplicity.

--True

--False

SPECIAL BONUS QUESTION: Who said, "The streets are the veins, and we're the blood. Without us, it would be 'The Day the Earth Stood Still.'"?

--Dogpaw

--Dogstar

--Snoop Dogg

--Cyclehawk Couriers

Frog in the Throat: Diagnosing Your Bicycle

As offensive as some fads, trends, or subcultures can be, there's usually at least some kernel of authenticity if you dig deep enough. In the case of fixed-gear bicycles, even the most staunchly traditional cyclist has to admit that, while thousands of not millions of perfectly good frames may have been butchered in the name of style, at least the butchering was done by individuals and had some sort of DIY ethic behind it. Even the many companies that subsequently sprang up to supply these butchers with things like top tube pads, knickers, and t-shirts with stolen logos on them were generally at least run by entrepreneurial independents. But then comes that moment where that last bit of fiber linking the fad to its authentic roots snaps, like the rubbery strand of mozzarella after you've taken a bite of extra-cheese pizza. In terms of fixed-gears, that moment may have come last year with the launch of the Felt Curbside, one of the first "pre-customized" fashion fixed-gears. But if it didn't, and if somehow that strand of mozzarella was somehow still connecting the pizza slice of fashion with the maw of authenticity, it has finally been completely severed with the introduction of the new 2009 Cannondale Capo:

Tuomo in Finland, who alerted me to this bike, likened it to the scene in Cronenberg's remake of "The Fly" when "Brundlefly fuses with Telepod, creating a hideous monstrosity that begs to be put out of its misery," and I have to admit that's a fairly astute comparison. Cannondale have indeed fused the essence of Fixedgeargallery style with the Capo, and in so doing they've effectively cut the owner out of the equation, since there's not much left to do here in the way of "customization" save for perhaps adding a top tube pad. They've also fused a fixed-gear freestyler with a road-going fixed gear, since the four-bolt crank and platform pedals allude to the former, while the drop bars and dual brakes suggest the latter. But while it may appear to be a bit of a mash-up, it's actually (according to Cannondale) "the bare essence of a bicycle--lean, mean, and ready for the unpredictability of the gritty urban streets." I'm not sure what's "lean" and "mean" about a bicycle with lilac accents, but then again I'm not from the "gritty urban streets" of Bedford, Pennsylvania.

But while bicycles are increasingly coming shipped from the factory already tarted up (or "pre-tarted"), plenty of people are still customizing their bikes themselves. And one of the most dangerous things about customizing anything is that it can quickly get out of your control. This is true of bicycles, cars, motorcycles, and even your own body. With the bicycle, you might start with a sticker or two, then a colored tire, and perhaps after that some grips or bar tape to match the tire. Before you know it you're riding some kind of "My Little Pony" nightmare that looks like a middle school girl's notebook. I strongly suspect that in most cases the people riding heavily customized bicycles did not intend to venture so far into the abyss of accessorizing as they did, and that if you were to travel back in time to the moment they first bought their bike or frame and show them a picture of what it would eventually become, they'd gasp and say, "Dear God, no! Just kill it. Kill it now, I beg you!"

That's why it's important to check your bike for warning signs. Think of it as the equivalent of a home breast exam. And one of the most important things to look for on your bicycle is "hipster cysts:"

The proper medical term for the "hipster cyst" is the Knog Frog, but if you're anything like me you find Latin pretentious and confusing, so I'm going to stick to the colloquial term. If you haven't noticed, "hipster cysts" have become the lighting of choice for urban fixed-gear riders, hence the sobriquet. Of course, I should start out by saying that just because your bike has "hipster cysts" does not necessarily mean you have a problem. It's important to be seen, and these lights are very useful, especially because they are very adaptable and cling well to today's oversized and computer-cluttered bars, aero seatposts, and strangely-shaped frame tubes. However, while these cysts are often benign (as is the one pictured above), all too often they can be indicative of a larger problem.



This bike, for example, has two "hipster cysts." Generally speaking, cysts on the seatpost are benign. However, once cysts on the front of the bicycle migrate from the handlebars to the headtube or fork blade (or even the front hub--yes, I've seen it) they can be a cause for concern. That's definitely the case here, as this bicycle has already developed a serious Hed tri-spoke situation.

Here, the condition is even more serious. Note there's a cyst on the head tube, as well as one on the rear Aerospoke. A cyst on an Aerospoke is almost always malignant, and generally speaking it's not even worth the risk of waiting for the results of a biopsy in order to act, for with every passing day this bicycle's frontal spoke card problem grows more and more severe. Naturally, the first course of action should be to remove both the cyst and the Aerospoke. I only pray it's not too late.

This bike is an excellent indication of just how difficult it can be to properly diagnose "hipster cysts." Ordinarily a cyst on the seatpost is not a cause for alarm. However, this bike is riddled with anodization and color coordination, as well as with a top tube pad and a saddle that is completely incongruous with the rest of the bicycle. (It's like wearing a tasseled loafer with a pair of neon pink hot pants.) In this case, then, simply dismissing the cyst would have been a mistake.

For this very reason, I would advise this owner to be very careful. For while his bike is certainly not suffering from excessive customization, the fact that he already has two cysts (with one on the fork) before he's even installed a chain is a definite warning sign.

Saddest of all, though, are cases like this. A cluster of four cysts on the fork is nothing short of tragic. It's already spread to the handlebars, which are capped in pink Ourys and clamped by a 3TTT Mutant road stem (colloquially known as the "schlong" stem for its phallic appearance). Unfortunately, the entire front end may need to be removed.

Sure, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking I'm overreacting. But this is serious. If gone unchecked these things can lead to a full-blown frog situation:

Or, worse yet, you could begin dressing like this:

Truth be told, though, the model would have looked much better on this reader-forwarded specimen, since it matches his outfit and his attitude:

A $2,500 bike with a Truvativ Touro crank? Now that's a bargain.

So what of that kernel of fixed-gear authenticity? Where has it gone? Well, maybe we can find it in 1992:

Well, I don't see any fixed-gears, but I'm nearly choking on the authenticity.

Time Trials and Time Travel: The Advantages of Life in the Future

As I've mentioned before, the key to bike racing is always living mentally at least four months in the future. It's not about what you're doing now; rather, it's about what you're preparing for down the line. When you're in a perpetual state of preparation you always have an excuse for your present lack of results. Today doesn't count--tomorrow does. And the beauty of tomorrow is that it never comes. So while even the best racer will eventually run out of fitness, even the worst racer can draw from an infinite well of excuses. Just think like Wimpy: "I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today."

Naturally, living four months into the future as I do (what a crazy Presidential election by the way--I sure didn't see that result coming!), I'm currently winding down my cyclocross season. As such, with road racing but a tiny speck in my helmet mirror, I am surprised to find that the professionals are not only still racing on the road, but are even competing in Grand Tours. Even more surprising, these professionals are living two months in the past, rather than four months in the future, since (as I pointed out on Tuesday) this year "the Vuelta will be the Tour." Unless of course they mean this year's Vuelta is actually the '09 Tour. The organizers never really specified. That would put the pros a whopping ten months in the future. And while I'm a strong proponent of living in the future, that's a little too far, since it's almost a year, and once you hit a year the seasons synch up again and it defeats the whole purpose.

At any rate, wherever they are in time, it's paying dividends for Astana, since yesterday Levi Leipheimer took the stage as well as the itchy-sounding "golden fleece." (Or, technically, the Maillot Jaune.) Of course, he lost it again today, but I think it's safe to say that the likelihood of a Frenchman winning either an actual or a nominal Tour de France is remote at best--unless in the spirit of time travel we all collectively decide to hotfoot it back to 1985. And regardless of the final outcome, Leipheimer, Astana, and Trek have been vindicated, because with the Vuelta being the Tour the "Let Levi Ride" campaign has now officially succeeded. (Remember, it's "Let Levi Ride," not "Let Levi Win.") I for one am hoping for a big celebration featuring Malaysian pop sensation Letle Viride, as well as opening act Nobr Akes, with Evans and Hincapie on the soprano and alto excuses respectively.

But while the pros are slugging it out in the Tour, now that my cyclocross season is over I'm settling into the holiday season. And the top item on my nondenominational seasonal gift-exchange day wishlist is the new Serotta, which was forwarded to me by a reader:

There are a lot of things that make me want this bike, but perhaps the most appealing thing about it to me is that it includes "speed maintenance at the lowest possible physiological cost." I'm not sure exactly what that means, but I think it means the bike is fast. Still, there's no such thing as a free lunch, and while the physiological cost is low the actual cost of the bike is high. Really high. Like "$12,000 to $22,000" high. I'm not sure what the $12,000 build includes, but the $22,000 limited edition one comes not only with Campagnolo Super Record but also with "one year of CTS training and a weekend for two at Saratoga Springs..." Now you might think that $22,000 sounds like a lot of money, but you really can't put a price on a romantic weekend for two in Saratoga Springs with Chris Carmichael, who by all accounts is a tender and gentle lover. Unfortunately, though, there are only 20 of these limited edition bikes available, which means the competition among dentists is going to be fierce. Also $22,000 is a lot of money, even for a dentist, which means if yours suddenly starts performing lots of unnecessary surgery on your mouth at least you'll know why.

Most importantly, though, with Serottas now breaking the $20K barrier "gap bikes" are about to get a whole lot fancier. If you're a dentist queueing up for the new MeiVici AE and you need something to tide you over in the meantime (like the tempting little swab of lidocaine before the needle delivers the good stuff), you might consider the Sampson Diablo S, which I happened upon in a recent issue of Bicycling magazine:

Not only is it a bargain at $5,699 when compared to the Serotta, but you can also be the first dentist on your block to have the new Sampson Stratics shifters. They feature "Intuishift," which should not be confused with "Inuishift," a technology designed for the Inuit and other people in cold climes which makes it easier to shift while wearing mittens. No, what's special about "Intuishift" is the carbon brake lever and the hole in the shift lever, without which you'd of course be riding the new Secret Website group:

Brand new, and already on sale. Nobody knows how to live in the future like Nashbar.

Riding Balls Out: The Haters and the Hated

Further to yesterday's spirited discussions about both product placement and Tyler Hamilton, "Origamikid" has sent me the following photo, which he took in Greenville at the US Pro Championship race:


You'll note that Hamilton is not wearing the cycling-specific sunglasses pro riders usually sport. Instead, he's wearing a big pair of oversided celebutard shades. Closer inspection reveals that they are from Prada, a company which, to my knowledge, does not make cycling-specific clothing or accessories:

This raises some interesting questions. Surely, regardless of how you feel about product placement, endorsing products for money in sports is pretty straighforward. And while I'm sure there's some shady stuff going on here and there, for the most part it doesn't give off that beguiling, underhanded vibe product placement sometimes does, since everybody knows exactly what's going on. It's odd, then, that some enterprising optics manufacturer has not paid to put its glasses on the prime, freckled real estate which is Tyler Hamilton's face. Why is this? Are they afraid to associate themselves with his tarnished image? Or is Hamilton simply obeying the unwritten cultural rule that you have to wear giant designer sunglasses in public once you've been involved in a major scandal? Or, is Prada paying him to wear their glasses? I suspected that perhaps Tyler had forgotten his own sunglasses and had to borrow a pair from his wife, but he's also wearing what look like a different pair of Prada glasses here. In any case, if Prada are in fact taking baby steps towards sponsoring cyclists this is an interesting development. The've also found a good angle. "Prada: eyewear for the cyclist with something to hide."

Meanwhile, the Great Trek Bicycle Making Company keep hitting publicity paydirt. Everybody knows Craigslist is the throbbing artery through which the Zeitgeist pulses, and it now seems that the Trek SoHo is perceived as a rare bicycle:

This is a major coup for Trek, because nothing gives a bike more street cred than rarity. So move over, Bridgestone XO-1. The SoHo's coming to collectible country. And it's not even a collabo!

Of course, the real appeal of the rare bicycle is the notion that riding one confers individuality upon you. But the truth is you don't need a rare bicycle to be an individual. All you need is a message, which we saw some time ago in this photo forwarded to me by accomplished photographer Sucka Pants:

Well, it would appear that the bicycle to which this wheel was attached was insufficient to contain its owner's boundless individuality. So strong is was his aversion to haters, and so intense was his desire for them to suck his balls, that he went ahead and hand-fabricated a new frame around the wheel, complete with asymmetrical seat stays and an integrated bottle opener between the top tube and downtube, as you can see in this photo which was forwarded to me by a reader:

Different bike, same message. I like to think that as his cycling journey takes him from bicycle to bicycle over the years, he'll always somehow manage to incorporate the lime green "All you haters suck my balls" rear wheel. Even when he becomes old and inflexible and needs to ride a Rivendell with one of those three foot long Nitto quill stems.

And as far as testicles themselves go, when it comes to bicycles they're not just things for haters to suck. They can also be used to lay claim your bike, according to the proprietor of the website Teabags on Top Tubes:

Here's the basic premise, you have bikes you love, whether it be racing bikes, bitch ass fixie rides, or zoo bomb freak bikes. And, you want to show people how these bikes are yours and no one else should lay hands on them. So, I bring you teabagsontoptubes.wordpress.com.
Take your balls out and slap them on your top tube and mark your territory. Better yet, go ahead and bag your buddies bike. Yep, I know, how could this not have been thought of before.

Out of respect for decency I've censored the above image, but if for some reason you're compelled to see the original (which is obviously not safe for work, or indeed for much of anything) then go ahead and click here. Frankly, this site has opened my eyes, if only because I think I've finally discovered an acceptable use for a top tube pad. Until this guy is safely in police custody, I intend to place one on my own bike whenever it's left unattended. However, once I return to the bike I will immediately remove and incinerate the top tube pad, since it's strictly a sanitary measure. Think of it as kind of an "ass gasket" for your bike.

And speaking of haters, controversial words are being spoken in the world of fixed-gear cycling that have the potential to tear the entire "culture" asunder. I recently received an email from the publisher of an Estonian magazine called Sahtel, informing me that they've published an interview with MASH SF members Jonathan Burkett and Garret Chow, and these comments immediately leaped out at me:


Strong words indeed. It would appear that MASH is disowning the fixed-gear freestylers. I must say it's somehow satisfying to see the new guard revert to the ways of the old guard so quickly. While I think most of us would agree that BMX tricks are indeed better performed on a BMX bike, I also think it's worth noting that while "track bikes were not meant to be ridden in that manner" they were also not meant to be ridden on the road. That's why they're called track bikes. (And that's why one of the interviewees seems to be spending more time on his road bike.) But I suppose three years is enough time to appropriate a type of bicycle, ride it in a certain way, and then dismiss others who ride that same bicycle in a different way. It's sort of like wearing sneakers on your hands and then making fun of people who come along and wear them on their hands backwards. Indeed, if the cycle of "edgy to stodgy" in the fixed-gear "community" is only three years long, the Apocalypse must be close indeed.

From Hankies to Hanky-Panky: Porn and Product Placement

In response to last Friday's post, someone by the name of "Reverend Dick" had this to say:

Snob-
Why are you advertising an $85 scarf? Product placement takes away from your credibility.

First of all, I resent the implication that I have any credibility. You're just as likely to find credibility on this blog as you are a delicious recipe for cream of mushroom soup. You will, however, find whining, complaining, and criticism. You'll also occasionally find pornography involving bikes:

As usual, I've clothed the model in the interest of propriety, but if for some unimaginable reason you want to look at the original photo (as well as photos of her friends) you are more than welcome to do so. It can be found in this emphatically not-safe-for-work link, which, again, is not safe for work (unless of course you're a pornographer or a gynecologist), and which can be viewed by clicking on the subtly-placed hyperlink after the end of this sentence. (porn)

Or, if you're the artsy (that is to say pretentious) type and you prefer pontification to Fofonov, I'm pleased to present this sepia-toned interpretation of my censored version for your delectation:

Whichever version you prefer, though, I think I speak for all of us when I say it's good to finally see some mountain bike-related porn.

At any rate, with regard to Reverend Dick's mini-sermon, in addition to my lack of credibility I'd also like to say that, while I did post a photograph of myself wearing a scarf that was given to me free of charge, I do not consider that product placement. It's more faux product placement--a parody of a product placement. Had I deftly woven the scarf into last Thursday's story about getting a ticket in exchange for cash ("As I waited for the officer to emerge from the cruiser, I dabbed my perspiring forehead with my Ralpha silk cravat (only $85), and its soft touch removed both the sweat and my cares"), that would be product placement. Real product placement attempts to appear genuine and unintentional.

Of course, that's just my opinion, and sometimes it can be hard to tell product placement from reality. It can also be hard to tell when product placement is intentional or accidental. Here is a good example, forwarded by a reader:

Is this product placement? Is the Great Trek Bicycle Making Company attempting to market itself as the laterally stiff yet vertically compliant truncheon of the law? Is this a subtle ploy to entice customers who fantasize about beating hippies with their bicycles? (If we're to be completely honest here this is a fantasy many of us have had at one time or another.) Even though Trek cannot control the news, they must have known when they supplied bicycles to a police department that at some point one of them would brandish his bicycle at a hippie, right? More importantly, is bicycle-inflicted police brutality even more horrific when the bicycle has riser bars with barends on it? And would it be any less horrific if the hippie were wearing a Rapha silk cravat? These are indeed difficult questions to answer. (Hint: the answers are maybe, no, no, probably, yes, and no.)

Similarly, what are we to make of this?

I posted a picture of this bicycle awhile back (more than once, actually). However, a reader recently forwarded me an interview with the designer, who has this to say:

It's not a bike for everybody. It's polarizing, I realize that. It also addresses those who have strong opinions. As far as the position goes, it's a lot more comfortable than first impressions. You have to ride it to understand it. Haters'll hate but it's a slick ride.

I'm a hater in general and I hate this bike in particular, yet here I am posting about it for like the third time. So have I unwittingly provided the Great Trek Bicycle Making Company with free product placement? Does it even matter to Trek whether I love or hate the bicycle, as long as a few more people see it? Should I go ahead and send them an invoice? And perhaps most vexing, does simply having a soul patch and flip-flops qualify one to make stylistic decisions of this magnitude?

Well, I don't know, but I do know Trek must be doing something right, because on the very same blog I saw this:

On top of all that, we brought out a straight razor shave for some man-pampering and told anybody that wanted to get tattoo'ed, we'd foot the bill. One condition, your tat must be a Trek logo or the logo of a family brand (Gary Fisher, 1 World 2 Wheels, Bontrager).

Think nobody would want to sport a Trek logo on their body for the rest of their natural life? Think again, Doubty-McHater. We couldn't ink the peeps fast enough. There's nothing worse than telling somebody that they can't get a tat of your company's logo because there just isn't enough time. Left to me, we'd still be applying ink to epidermis in the parking lot but hey, you gotta draw the line somewhere. Give people a reason to come back.

Now that's just scary. Granted, I have my own Trek-related tattoos, but they're only of former Trek family brands. (I have Greg LeMond's face tattooed on one bicep, and the admonishing countenance of paired-spoke pioneer Rolf Dietrich on the other.) Moreover, I paid for them myself, because I'm accountable to nobody. (Except to Greg LeMond, who insisted that my tattoo be of his "good side" before he agreed to sit and pose.) But to have a company's logo tattooed on you just because they paid for it is something else entirely. It's hard to tell if the person in the above photo has any other tattoos, but if so I'm guessing that this may have been one of them:

(submitted by a reader)

Of course, since it's not Trek-related, he would have had to foot the bill himself.

In the end, though, it's all about perception, and one man's product placement is another man's slander. It's all a question of how you manipulate that perception. Even the Vuelta is getting in the act:

Two days before the start of the Vuelta a España, Race Director Víctor Cordero gave his expectations. "This year the Vuelta will be the Tour. It will have the best participation of all three Grand Tours," he said to El Mundo Deportivo.

That's right, the Vuelta is now the Tour. That must mean the Tour is the Giro, the Giro is the Vuelta, and the Bayern-Rundfahrt is just an office park crit in northern New Jersey. And while Tour Giro winner Carlos Sastre might argue this fact, I'm sure Trek and the Astana boys are more than happy to accept it.

But when it comes to marketing, Trek and the Vuelta are a bunch of amateurs compared to pants magnate Michael Ball. He knows a marketing ploy when he sees one. Not only that, but awhile back I noticed he left a comment on my blog, and apparently I'm not just guilty of product placement:

Anonymous said...
Your closely guarded identity, and the resulting mystique, is your biggest draw. If you're ever discovered RTMS it's all over. OVER!

-Michael Ball, CEO and Creative Director of Rock & Republic

Sure, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking it's not really him, and that anybody can leave a comment as Michael Ball. Well, despite the lack of spelling errors I maintain that it is in fact Michael Ball, if only because Michael Ball leaving a comment on my blog is a dream come true. Also, the comment has that creepy super-villain tone. So please, just let me have that.

Speaking of Michael Ball, Rock Racing now has the reigning US Pro Champion. That's right, former professional cyclist Tyler Hamilton has won the somewhat coveted Stars and Stripes jersey. This came as quite a blow to George Hincapie, who had this to say:

"No one would work with me," a disappointed Hincapie said after the race. He said he had the best legs he'd ever had at a Greenville championships. He said he would have preferred another trip over Paris Mountain. "Then we would have had five guys at the end, instead of 25," he said.

Cadel Evans may be the John Coltrane of Excuses, but Hincapie can more than hold his own. By combining two classic yet seemingly incompatible excuses (the "nobody would work with me" excuse and the "race wasn't hard enough" excuse) Hincapie is showing that he is a formidable excuse-maker in his own right. Sure, he's no Coltrane, but his irreverent improvisation at least puts him up there with Ornette Coleman.