Thursday, June 25, 2015

Never Mind The Bike Locks

Today I'm riding my Ironic Orange Julius Bike in its present guise as a no-frills who-gives-a-shit around-getter:


I'm even wearing flip-flops, in a boldly frank admission to the world that I've totally given up on life.

Anyway, as I often do while riding it, I thought back to that stupid Budnitz, and how my Ironic Orange Julius Bike rides just as nicely, only it doesn't creak like the Budnitz did:


I'm not the only one who experienced that either:

For the most part, the build kit has performed quite well. I loved the Kojak tires so much I obtained a set for our Project Any Road build. The Oury grips did come installed backwards, but functionally they were fine. We flipped them for aesthetics. The only other issue is the dreaded noisy bottom bracket. It creaks and squeaks a lot, acoustically ruining what is an otherwise incredibly smooth and quiet drivetrain. Beyond that, I would much prefer to see higher quality hydraulic disc brakes on the bike, especially given the price point. If Breezer can use them on their $1569 Beltway 8, I think Budnitz can find a way to spec them, or at least offer them as an option. The BB7s work fine, but personally I really just don’t care for mechanical disc brakes.

Also, the Ironic Orange Julius Bike costs thousands less, so I don't feel the need to uglify it further than it already is to deter thieves--unlike the Budnitz:


Sorry, it's been almost three years now and that goddamn bike still pisses me off.

In fact, the Budnitz is probably the second-most annoying bike I ever reviewed after this one:


Boy was that a stinker.

It's like the this sneaker of bikes:



Speaking of locking up your bike, here's the bazillionth Kickstarter for a "smart lock," the one cycling accessory that absolutely nobody on the face of the earth is asking for:


This one purports to be "strong," and "smart," and "social:"
I may be none of those three things, but I do know the "blulok" is bollocks--even though it can stand up to a 10-POUND SLEDGEHAMMER:


Which might mean something if this is the way bike thieves defeated locks:


Except that it's not at all how they defeat locks.

In fact, what bike thieves do is they use giant levers, which I know because I was in a movie about it:


I'm already getting Oscar buzz, and I think there's a good shot I'll take home the statue for "Best Disembodied Hand In A Brooklyn Public Access Non-Fiction Segment About Bikes."

So right, the hammering.  Yeah, who gives a shit if you can hammer the lock?  He might as well have shot at it with an assault rifle, because bike thieves don't do that either--though it goes without saying if you do hammer a bike lock you should be sure to use a titanium Fred hammer like this one:


("Spins up nice, tracks really well, descends with confidence.")

Most importantly though, the blulock "knows every move your bike makes:"


Which is quite useful if you suspect your bike may be cheating on you:


("Don't tell him about us.")

If nothing else, I'll now be sure to disinfect the Ironic Orange Julius Bike's "contact points" after leaving it unattended for more than a few minutes.

In other Kickstarting news, remember this guy?


He's the mastermind behind Broken Bones Bicycles, the bike company for crash-prone Freds.

Anyway, a reader by the name of Derek emailed me to let me know that the unfortunately named Broken Bones crabon "Fracture" frame:


Is in fact a genuine HongFu Sports Equipment CO., LTD:


Only with the application of tribal bro-douche graphics:


(A de-douched HongFu, elegantly minimalist)

If nothing else, I have to hand it to the Broken Bones guy, because this is perhaps the least successful bicycle rebranding attempt I've ever seen.  Generally when rebranding something you want to create the illusion of cachet, but I'd much rather tell people I ride a HongFu Sports Equipment CO., LTD than a "Broken Bones Fracture" with graphics inspired by Tapout.

Speaking of rebranding concerns, here's a review of the new $12,500 Specialized Venge Schmenge Aero Deluxe Super-Tan-Fastic SL:


Which is demonstrably the fastest Fred bike in the known universe, because here's why:


For the Venge ViAS test, we first measured in the wind tunnel the total drag of each rider on a ViAS, then the total drag of each rider on a Tarmac. Specialized stacked the deck a bit with each of us wearing a skinsuit and aero helmet for the ViAS measurement, then regular bibs, jersey and standard road helmet for the measurement on a Tarmac.

Wait a minute: they tested the Venge with the rider in a skinsuit, and then they compared that to the Tarmac with the rider wearing regular Fred gear?

That's like taking the Pepsi Challenge with the Pepsi served over ice and the Coke at room temperature after the can has been left open for a few days.

Next, the subjected the reviewer to a 20 kilometer time trial, and here's what happened:

Nonetheless, the ballpark comparison showed immediate results. For instance, I took note of my speed at three spots on course: a fast downhill, an uphill and a flat section. The downhill was 5mph faster at the very bottom on the Venge, the uphill seemed to be the same, and the flat was maybe 1mph faster. The total ride time was a little more than two minutes faster with the Venge and aero setup. But again, this was just ballpark, as I certainly couldn't track the variance in wind speed or even exact power over the two sessions while riding along.

Incredible: For $12,500, you will suck 120 seconds less than you will on a Tarmac.

That's the difference between sucking balls and still sucking balls but on a $12,500 bike.

But wait--actually, when you factor in the skinsuit, you're only sucking about 60 seconds less:

So how much of the difference is the bike and how much is the skinsuit and aero helmet? By Specialized's calculations, it's about 50/50. Before the launch was held, there was heated debate inside the company about whether inviting journalists to test in this way was a good idea. What if the results weren't impressive? Perhaps this is why we tested aero setup vs standard setup instead of just the bikes themselves with identical clothing and helmet. Nonetheless, even if the bike difference was half, it is still a huge difference.

Is that really a huge difference?  I don't think that it is.  Sucking at riding bikes is not measured in seconds, or even minutes.  It's measured in an overall lack of accomplishment and an overarching narrative of suckitude that runs through your cycling career.  Saying you suck less than some other sucky Fred because you finished a race a few seconds sooner than he did is like saying you're richer than your neighbor because you both have the same car but yours has those moronic stick-on air vents on it.

But of course no review would be complete without the performance-related anecdote:

Camera rolling, we set off down the rollercoaster of a descent. Now, if you have ever ridden a hyper-aero time trial bike, you know they are fast, but not necessarily the most confidence-inspiring machines. Now think of how comfortable you feel on your favourite road bike. Imagine putting the TT bike speed and your road bike's confidence together. That's the Venge ViAS.

Chris and I flew down the descent, yelling back and forth, and of course we had to attack the group when we came railing past. That's what boys do. Some spirited counters followed and we throttled along at 30mph. That evening as we uploaded our Garmins, my Strava file showed a KOM for that six-mile descent.

WOW.

I'm not sure Specialized should be encouraging Freds should be encouraged to launch downhill attacks, wind-cheating cockpit notwithstanding:


Plus, the Venge-Schmenge cockpit has nothing on this one, which was spotted in Tel Aviv by a reader named Paul:


Two-wheel drive?!?

Now that's performance.

94 comments:

wle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
wle said...

number one!
wle

Unknown said...

3rd

Unknown said...

Beat Ted

Unknown said...

THE POWER PROCESS

33. Human beings have a need (probably based in biology) for something that we will call the “power process.” This is closely related to the need for power (which is widely recognized) but is not quite the same thing. The power process has four elements. The three most clear-cut of these we call goal, effort and attainment of goal. (Everyone needs to have goals whose attainment requires effort, and needs to succeed in attaining at least some of his goals.) The fourth element is more difficult to define and may not be necessary for everyone. We call it autonomy and will discuss it later (paragraphs 42-44).

Seattle lone wolf said...

Podio?

Seattle lone wolf said...

Podio?

Seattle lone wolf said...

Podio?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

In with the leaders.

samh said...

All that mention of sucking balls and no mention of haters? What gives?

leroy said...

Descending with confidence.

Anonymous said...

Almost on the podium but was delayed in readtheblogtraffic.

Slow this morning, eh Snobbie?

Hee Haw the barista said...

FLIP FLPZ

Anonymous said...

They did 30 mph? WOW! I used to do that on a raleigh competition (reynolds 531) and i suck at cycling.

cycle

Freddy Murcks said...

I used the internets and found the original text that was used in the Venge review (it's a bit academic for Penthouse Forum, but Bob Guccione apparently went through a period where he was into "how to" letters for DIY porn).

Camera rolling, we set off for the "honeymoon suite." Now, if you have ever fucked between satin sheets, you know they are smooth, but not necessarily the most confidence-inspiring. Now think of how comfortable you feel jerking off in your own bed. Imagine putting the satin sheet speed and your own bed's confidence together. That's the concept behind our new porno series.

Chris and I slid between the satin sheets, yelling back and forth, and of course we had to attack the group when we heard there was an orgy in the adjoining suite. That's what boys do. Some spirited counters followed and we throttled along. That evening as we reviewed the "raw" footage, my video tape showed a money shot all over the satin sheets in the honeymoon suite. I hope they changed the sheets before the next guests arrived, or not....

bad boy of the north said...

Who's the new guy?or did i miss his intro?

P. Bateman said...

top...ah shucks. whatever, i hate bikes anyway. and winning. and this comment section. i'm going home. shit, i work from home.

paulb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
P. Bateman said...

thinking of painting my old/new to me rb-2 in a general lee paint scheme to fight fascism. thoughts?

paulb said...

Hooray for Mike and Bicycle Station!

babble on said...


Wow. Now THAT's whatchacall "a cycling-themed electronic prose manifestation."

leroy said...


The last time my dog convinced me to spring for a party designed to generate Oscar buzz, I wound up with a couple of empty kegs of PBR, a living room of inebriated canines singing karaoke, half-filled red solo cups all over the apartment, and a bill for professional rug and couch cleaning.

In fairness, his friend the Bull Dog - Shih Tzu mix is named Oscar.

And the lyrics "Everybody have fun tonight, everybody Hong Fu tonight" seem oddly prescient.



Milton Berle said...

“That's like taking the Pepsi Challenge with the Pepsi served over ice and the Coke at room temperature after the can has been left open for a few days.”

“Saying you suck less than some other sucky Fred because you finished a race a few seconds sooner than he did is like saying you're richer than your neighbor because you both have the same car but yours has those moronic stick-on air vents on it.”

You best believe I’m stealing those two great joke and using them whenever I can.

Flyover BC said...

But, is the titanium hammer vertically compliant and horizontally stiff, or something like that?

babble on said...

I will NOT mention the easy way to crack a lock. Nope. Because that would be wrong, and would one day turn around to bite me like a dog named Oscar.

PotbellyJoe said...

So it was a 6 mile descent and they were bombing at 30 mph?

Shoot, Babs slides on the ground for 6 mile descents faster than that, let alone with a bike under her.

Also, forgive me if I'm right on this, but pack riding will more than make up for any aero advantage your bike has. And if you ride a $12,500 plastic fred chariot and brag about how aero it is to everyone, I'm going to assume you'll be riding alone more frequently than not.

What ever happened to riding a bike that was entirely a compromise to comfort and enjoyment?

Astroluc (Find me on Tumblr and Instagram @Astroluc) said...

EYER ONIC

1904 Cadardi said...

That two wheel drive machine isn't just transportation. That's art!

BikeSnobNYC said...

PotbellyJoe,

You're not accounting for the moment when you burst forth from the pack and your Venge Schmenge carries you through an epic solo attack for the win thanks to its aero advantage.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

"What ever happened to riding a bike that was entirely a compromise to comfort and enjoyment?"

Not a question I ever find myself asking.

Anonymous said...

Comedy gold, Jerry!

PotbellyJoe said...

Snobi Wan,

You wise shaman, you're right. I would never account for that.

McFly said...

I gots me a pair of Sweep Back style bars in transit for my Flip Flop Jalopy. I am excited about the prospect of a more upright riding position with virtually no hand pressure.

Anonymous said...

WORD SCRAMBLE

blulock bullock
Tarmac rat cam
Oprah Harpo
chainring inarching
snob nobs

Roille Figners said...

"So how much of the difference is the bike and how much is the skinsuit and aero helmet?"

You know, you MORONS would already have the answer to that question, if instead of deliberately building uncertainty and bias into the experiment in defiance of all scientific principle, you had done the FUCKING TEST with the SAME CLOTHES BOTH TIMES!

SCIENCE, PLAYA!!! HEARD OF IT!??!?!?!!?



If I'm this mad now, just imagine if I actually gave a shit which bike was faster!

Buffalo Bill said...

I think you'd want some clipless handlbars for that all wheel drive thing. Hitting a pothole and losing your grip could get ugly.

BamaPhred said...

What's with all the lock crowd funding anyway?

Bryan said...

I wanna see a comparison of the Venge-Schmenge to the CDale with a lefty fork.

Everyone knows it is always the bike which makes one fast and suck a little less....

Roille Figners said...

Hey so I haven't been back to NYC in a while, but I've been told the byek thieves there use liquid nitrogen to supercool (not in the Tim Roth sense) bike locks until they're brittle enough to be whacked off (snicker) with a sledgehammer. Does this really/still/ever happen or were people just trying to scare me?

crosspalms said...

Potbelly Joe
Ridings of comfort and joy. I think I know that one.

Roille Figners said...

supercool

Anonymous said...

that Tel Aviv all wheel drive bike just blew my fucking mind.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Roille Figners,

Sounds like an urban myth to me.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

JB said...

"Incredible: For $12,500, you will [get to the coffee shop] 120 seconds [earlier] than you will on a Tarmac."

NHcycler said...

I think Roille Figners just wanted to use the phrase "whacked off" in a reputable setting...

Comment deleted said...

Hmm, I seem to have taken the 1st spot without even trying.

Oscar said...

"Best Disembodied Hand In A Brooklyn Public Access Non-Fiction Segment About Bikes." WIN. Prize presented by podiumgurls Recumbabe and Cleopatra.

NHcycler said...

JB,

You won't have enough money left to buy any coffee!

PotbellyJoe said...

@JB,

For the dentists who ride these, it's also important to be in the bathroom 120 seconds before the crowd.

Not wearing a helment said...

A Belmont man was injured Wednesday morning when he was struck by a car, while riding his bicycle across Alameda de las Pulgas at Carlmont Drive.

At approximately 8:40 a.m., Belmont police and fire units responded to a report of a bicycle struck by a car and found that a 64-year-old Belmont resident had been struck by a 2012 Volkswagen Jetta, driven by a 19-year-old San Mateo man, according to police.

The bicyclist, who was not wearing a helmet, was treated at the scene by Belmont Fire Department paramedics and was transported to the hospital with injuries that were not life-threatening. The driver of the Jetta was not injured, according to police.

While the investigation is still ongoing, it appears that the driver of the Jetta had stopped for the stop sign on southbound Alameda at Carlmont Drive. The bicyclist began to cross Alameda, westbound in the crosswalk, and was not seen by the driver. When the driver began to proceed, he struck the bicyclist, according to police.

babble on said...

It has been known to happen.

Jed said...

PIC OF KOMSHOT OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN

Anonymous said...

Ted K,

It's so delightfully witty that you are cutting and pasting the manifesto of a guy who killed three and maimed several other innocent people to this blog. I'm sure their families would find this bit of irreverent craftsmanship to be particularly hilarious. Keep up the good work.

JB said...

NHcycler: "Race you to the coffee shop? Winner buys!" [straps on aero helment]

Anonymous said...

Specialized has the worst marketing department. Since they turned up the volume with all this bs, everyone is bashing their products.

According to their claims, specialized pro riders will win all upcoming races?

2-5 min advantage is a lot.

Otherwise Nibali, Contador, Sagan etc. are just suckers.
LOL...

And stop doing the collabo with mclaren please! you are not colnago, can't pull it off!


Knüt Fredriksson said...

I bet they put a Gruber assist motor in the venge smenge, and a Gruber (cease and) desist motor in the tarmac.

PotbellyJoe said...

Can we just stop all car company collabos?

Lamborghini-BMC
Jaguar-Sky
McLaren-Specialized
Ferrari-Colnago
Yugo-Huffy

They do nothing for the common man.

Now car companies and golf clubs, that works. Lamborghini and Callaway have made some wonderful things together, none of which can fit in the storage trunk of a Lamborghini.

1904 Cadardi said...

Hey Babs,

Liquid nitrogen and the lock. Subtle. But maybe that could be an advantage.

"Hey everybody, want to see some science? Okay, we locked this bike to this pole earlier in the day. Now where did we put the key? Who cares, because we have SCIENCE. Now watch as my assistants begin to submerge the lock."

It's not theft, it's a street performance.

Olle Nilsson said...

Snob, I don't think you appreciate the effort that Specialized makes to ensure that the Venge-Schmenge purchaser drives away, bike on flimsy trunk rack, proudly confident that they made the right decision to lease their Hyundai instead of paying cash for it. If you believe you're faster, does anything else really matter? WWJD?

GatorJoe said...

Let's see. Say a Tarmac costs $5000, then the difference between it and the Venge is $12,500-5,000 = $7,500.
Then, $7,500 / 2 minutes = a Fred premium of $3,750 per minute of mo fastness.
Rich guys'll buy anything.

Bob Patterson said...

Won't you contribute to my new Kickstarter bike protection system project and urge others to contribute? There is on no other system like it, currently. The advantages are obviuos and the system is adaptable to protect other valuables.
https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?

http://globe-views.com/dcim/dreams/lion/lion-01.jpg

Dooth said...

Never mind the bike locks
Here's the sex hammer

Spokey said...

$12,500 ? ? ? ?

My Datsun 260Z cost much less than 1/2 of that. And I'll bet I could shave a lot more than 60 seconds off the time. I'm pretty sure I had it over 30mph at least once or twice.

Unknown said...

Anonymous 2:47 PM:

According to the U.S. Department of Justice (a branch of the Federal Government) between 1978 and 1995 Theodore Kaczynski killed 3 people and injured 23 others.

During that same 27 year period, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (another branch of the Federal Government) estimates industrial pollution caused the premature deaths of at least 2 million Americans, and disabled to at least 11 million more.

Sources:
http://www.cdc.gov/niosh/pdfs/98-157-d.pdf
http://www.cdc.gov/NIOSH/NAS/RDRP/appendices/chapter6/a6-97.pdf
http://www.cdc.gov/climateandhealth/effects/air_pollution.htm
http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/mm4923a3.htm
http://www.cdc.gov/nceh/airpollution/
http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/su6001a5.htm
http://www.cdc.gov/nceh/ehhe/about.htm
http://www.cdc.gov/healthyplaces/articles/Urban_Sprawl_and_Public_Health_PHR.pdf

Spokey said...

between 1978 and 1995

During that same 27 year period,


leroy's dog does better arithmetic with his paws tied to leroy's credit card

babble on said...

Mr Cadardi - Right?! So true. And which thief carries around a bucket of liquid nitrogen? The very same one who also carries a Ti hammer, cause it's light. You know, the guy with a chemistry degree and enough money that he has a Venge Schmenge.

/I had totally forgotten about that particular urban myth till the bit about the bloke who woke with a U-lock round his neck, thinking that the fire dept could have used it, but in retrospect, trying to release him by freezing it would have been begging for trouble.

Roille Figners said...

There are so many of those stories out there in the burbs of Jersey, CT, LI & Westchester (the entirety of Crazy Eddie/Carvel territory let's just say) about the big bad city. Told to gullible kids by well-meaning parents who moved there in the first place to shield their chilluns from seeing too much...

Freddy Murcks said...

Babble, Mr. Cardari, etc. -

Liquid nitrogen is difficult for the average consumer to come by and difficult to transport in large quantities. And while it is very cold and metals tend to be more brittle when they are cold, I don't know how effective it would be for lock breaking. Also seems like overkill when you can easily carry a pry bar that will do the job.

I will say, however, that LN2 is a lot of fun. Much of my time in grad school was consumed with playing with the liquid nitrogen.

Anonymous said...

vsk said ...

Don't forget, ask for a Blowie !

vsk

Pulau harapan said...

What's with all the lock crowd funding anyway?

Boston's Inferiority Complex. said...

I saw someone on what appeared to be a very expensive hand-crafted wooden bike today - and someone else open-mouth munching on celery while he shoaled me at a light...

Boston's definitely got it's own thing going on...

Leidenfrost said...

That liquid nitrogen/lock video was very cool.

Dave said...

Can flip-flops even be worn ironically?

Dubious. Also, can the TK manifesto be quoted and discussed ironically, and if so, is anything achieved beyond the usual shallow amusement? I don't mind the discussion of bogus philosophy though it all too easily becomes unwieldy and fatally recursive. Comparing the murderer to industrial pollution is a non sequitur. Every last one of us will die of something, and I'm sure that a substantial majority will feel that they are dying too soon and unfairly. Human condition, etc.

My new kickstarter thief repellent: Bike is jostled while locked; good-sized fake rattlesnake head emerges a couple of inches from front basket or pannier, shows fangs and moving tongue, and rattle sounds. Please send me a cool million packed in liquid nitrogen if possible.

PotbellyJoe said...

I'm meeting up with a group to ride next week and one of the guys has a Boo RS-R. I haven't seen it yet, but I hear it's pretty cool.

If you have the money, buy whatever you want.

David Pearce said...

What is up with the spoke lacing on the bicycle you hated the most?

Do my eyes deceive me, or are the wheels laced differently within the same rim, with some crossed spokes, and others not crossed the same way?

If so, why?

Anonymous said...

http://www.washingtonpost.com/posteverything/wp/2015/06/26/this-is-what-makes-bicyclists-blow-through-red-lights/?hpid=z10

Wryguyhi said...

I wonder if I woke up with a d-lock locked around my neck whether I would go into my workshop and cut it off with an angle grinder by myself. I don't want to call in friend-favors unnecessarily.

Greg Allman's U-Lock said...

I woke up this morning, had them Statesboro Blues.
Well, I looked over in the corner, and Grandpa seemed to have them too.

Anonymous said...

The ends don't justify the means.

Richard Breaks said...

Fuck bikes, I'm gonna get gay married.

Anonymous said...

pretty funny that the guy impersonating the unabomber can't do simple math...

Anonymous said...

I guess, once the Hong Fu people have built their own wind tunnel, they'll give Specialized a really hard time. :)

brooklynbikefanatic said...

You say "moronic, stick-on air vents". I say speed holes.

Doc Sarvis said...

Innocent? Really?

Name said...

Bout time to ban this Ted K person.

It is one thing to copy the writings of a crazy person.

Quite another to start discussing the merits of such writings.

Moreover, he should remember that before the industrial revolution people lived less than 40 years. We now live 80. We, alledgedly created a cause of death (polution) but seem to have counterbalanced that pretty well.

Not that polution is not a problem, of course. But enough with the crazy shit. In the pre-industrial society we would be all fucking servants.

Haritha said...

I haven't seen it yet, but I hear it's pretty cool.

Dentist in Milton

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CheeseRichard said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
CheeseRichard said...

I don`t think this new key wont be as useful as the other ones for a moderate price considering thief can stole your wheels or saw a lock. Nevertheless, you need to consult with a locksmith in that case. My neighbors locksmith toronto suggested to pick Medeco padlocks calling them great and sercure, so i can suggest this one too. But don`t forget to buy a great chain for this lock.

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