Does anybody have the time? My Apple Watch is frozen in the sundial function.

Well, it was Father's Day yesterday, and I'm sorry to report that nobody got me anything from the VeloNews Father's Day gift guide:

(The Rock Machine family: bunch of fucking ingrates.)

I mean you'd at least think someone would get me this $180 titanium hammer that exists for some reason:

Abbey Bike Tools Team Issue Hammer
$180
As your dad has shown you any number of times — both successfully and sometimes comically — there aren’t many jobs that don’t require a good hammer. The tool-nerds over at Abbey Bike Tools gave us another lust-worthy tool when they came out with their titanium Team Issue Hammer. Perfect for the dad who’s going everywhere with his toolbox, the Team Issue hammer saves a huge amount of weight and adds a certain level of classiness to whacking stubborn bolts.

It's the perfect tool to pound the shit out of your stupid Budnitz:

("If I had a hammer...")

By the way, "Pounding the Budnitz" is not a euphemism for masturbation.

Though it probably should be.

Nor did anybody get me this whimsical corpse identification tag with built-in bottle opener:

Elevengear Crash Tag
$34.50
What’s better than an ID tag for medical emergencies? How about one that will open dad’s beer? Elevengear’s Crash Tag is made from lightweight titanium and features a bottle opener for post-ride libations. More importantly, dad’s vital information — name, address, phone number, and plenty of room for custom info — are all laser-engraved onto the tag in case of emergency. A QR code also links to a custom web page with even more information that might be useful in an emergency. It all hangs from a nylon micro-cord with a strong magnetic clasp.

I love when they combine serious stuff with fun stuff, which is why my EpiPen has a built-in MP3 player.  Still, I'm glad nobody got me one of these tags for the simple reason that it takes all the fun out of coming across my dead or mortally wounded body.  Not knowing who I am, where I live, or what my blood type is makes having to treat me or notify my next-of-kin into an excitement-filled scavenger hunt!  "Hmmm, let's see...he's circumcised, he's wearing Rapha shorts, and he's got a great big greasy chainring tattoo on his unshaved calf.  I'm going to guess he's a gigantic Fred from somewhere in the New York City metropolitan area."  Plus, I'd wager 99% of Freds don't need to worry about carrying identification since these days ID-ing them is pretty much a no-brainer:

("Just take the phone out of his jersey pocket and check his Strava.")

Though if I were forced to wear something like this here's how I'd fill it out:

You may laugh, but application of shark semen is a common first aid treatment in Australia, which is why they call it "Aussie bacitracin."

Sure, you could just use an over-the-counter ointment, but the typical Australian would much rather charge into the ocean and masturbate a shark.

Also, I don't know if they allow you to engrave the back too, but if so I'd like it to read, "If found with beer please use integrated opener to remove cap, then pour contents all over body."

Anyway, when products that already exist are this superfluous, it's no surprise that not-yet-extant Kickstarter stuff bypasses this sort of frivolity and instead aims for sheer and utter uselessness.  Consider this pump, which incredibly has raised over $50,000:



And is designed for the sorts of people who wear gigantic headphones:

It's enough with the giant headphones.  You're not mixing a fucking album, you're listening to crappy music while commuting to your graphic design job.

Anyway, this particular graphic designer is about to head to his own graphic design job, but much to his dismay he's got a flat tire:

He pumps swiftly and vigorously, using every bit of the prodigious wanking strength he's developed over many years of pounding the Budnitz, and he even successfully executes the complicated under-the-leg move that identifies him as a world-class onanist:

However, he ultimately fails to inflate the tire:

Which is not exactly surprising since THERE'S A FUCKING HOLE IN IT.

At this point common sense would dictate that you repair the puncture.  However, this is not the world of common sense.  This is Kickstarter.  And in the Kickstarter Universe, this giant electric Thermos pump is supposed to miraculously solve the problem:

Here's a diagram:

What, no built-in coffee maker?

Even better,  YOU HAVE TO PUMP UP THE PUMP WITH AN AIR COMPRESSOR!

Yes, finally, a portable pump that requires pumping.  Thank you, Kickstarter!  They should call this stupid thing "The Middle Man."

Though it does make the integrated cable lock seem downright practical in comparison:

And I'm sure somewhere some bike dork is asking the obvious question:

"Like, can I use it to seat my tubeless tires?"

("Mmmm, tire clump.")

Wow, it looks like a cat threw up in there.

Someone should really do a Kickstarter for "upcycled" products made from tubeless tire clumps.

It's mostly just latex, so sex toys would be a good idea.

This sounds like a job for some "cum engineers," though judging from an email I recently received it seems they've got loftier ambitions:

We are bunch of cyclist cum engineers from India and we believe that we have a product which is creating ripples in the world of mountain biking. We have combined solar energy with hydration backpack. I think your reader will love to know about this.

And here it is for my one reader:



If it can power an air compressor for my portable pump then they could be onto something.

Lastly, yet another pro cyclist has admitted to doping after he's already retired and right before everyone was going to find out anyway:

“I have doped, I fully admit that. I'm sorry for that, and the decision, I wish to move on,” Sørensen told Danish website BT.dk. “I told ADD of my own experiences. I have done this to ease my conscience and because I also wanted to help the sport of cycling.”

See that?  He wishes to move on.

Well it's all right then.