Wednesday, September 26, 2012

The name Wednesday continues Middle English Wednesdei. Old English still had wōdnesdæg, which would be continued as *Wodnesday (but Old Frisian has an attested wednesdei). By the early 13th century, the i-mutated form was introduced unetymologically.


Firstly, here's today's Happy Wednesday Fun Fact, brought to you by the Wicking Pedia:

According to the Thai solar calendar, the color associated with Wednesday is green.

Interpret that as you will.

Secondly, yesterday I took the bus, and it wasn't even raining!  Here's what the cockpit looked like:



(Sun-drenched bus cockpit.)

I almost never take the bus, and when life conspires to force me out of my home I generally look to the bicycle--unless the distance I need to travel from my home is shorter than the length of an actual bicycle, in which case I walk because riding there would just be silly.  (For example, I don't ride to my next-door neighbors' apartment when I need to borrow some maple syrup for my bath.  When your rear wheel's at your departure point and your front wheel is at your destination you're only being stupid.)  Or, if the weather is especially foul, I might take the subway instead, since at this point in my life I simply have nothing to prove by riding in foul weather.  (If I did I'd actually put on pants once in awhile.)

Generally speaking, however, the bus simply does not enter into my consideration.

But it did yesterday, because yesterday I was picking up a Budnitz.  I did not have the Budnitz dropped off at my home for the simple reason that I don't want anyone seeing my home.  (My next-door neighbor Martin Amis resents the intrusions, and he's mad enough as it is since I keep "popping 'round" for maple syrup wearing only a bath towel.)  Instead, I had it delivered a short distance from my home, but not short enough to walk, and I wasn't going to ride there because I had to ride the Budnitz home, and the subway was out of my way, and then I realized our meeting point was right on the bus line, and next thing you know I was on a fucking bus.

I took the bus.

Also, there was a certain elegance in the juxtaposition of the bus trip and the ride home on this lavishly expensive designer douche chariot:


(Budnitz No. 1, as photographed by Martin Amis)

All of this is to say rather circuitously that I'm now in temporary position of a loaner Budnitz.

Now that you're up to speed, I hope you'll indulge me and allow me to get serious for just a moment:

Puppy Disease

Sorry, sometimes you have to be heavy-handed in order to set a serious tone.

Also, while we're being serious, I'd like to point out that I've been writing this blog for something like five years.  Sure, I'm a hack; yes, my blog looks like crap; absolutely, I wrote my best post sometime during week two and it's been on a downhill slide ever since.  Nevertheless, you'd think my sheer longevity would afford me just a tiny bit of respect.

But you'd be wrong.

More specifically, let's say you're giving a bike blogger a $5,600 titanium bicycle to review.  And let's say that bike blogger's entire raison d'être is making fun of expensive stuff and pointing out embarrassing errors and oversights on the part of marketing people.  And let's also say for the sake of argument that you hope your exquisitely-crafted $5,600 titanium dream bike will win him over and melt his icy heart, if not force him to eat his words.  Well, certainly you'd give the bicycle at least a cursory examination before handing it over to make sure, for example, that the wheels are properly installed in the frame.

Here you'd be wrong as well.

No, when the Budnitz marketing guy handed over the Budnitz the first thing I noticed was that the rear wheel bolt-on skewer was not tightened.  I don't mean it was a little loose, either; I mean it was open to the extent that you could fully rock it back and forth in the dropouts.  Surprised, I pointed this out to the marketing guy, figuring he must have transported the bicycle by car or by subway and simply didn't notice.  Instead, I was shocked to learn, he had ridden it all the way to Brooklyn from Manhattan that way and said he hadn't noticed.  I'm amazed that the wheel didn't pop out when he was going over the bridge, but I guess that's why the Almighty Lobster On High invented the vertical dropout.

Now I should say at this point that I don't want to get this guy in trouble with Old Man Budnitz or anything like that.  He's a very nice guy.  He was punctual.  He was accommodating.  He went way out of his way to lend me a bike.  At the same time, it seems to me that handing a nitpicky blogger a bike in this state is like a fashion designer lending Vogue a suit with pecker tracks in the crotch, and as such I feel it's my obligation to report it.

Anyway, we went to tighten the bolt-on quick release, but for some reason it wouldn't turn.  I figured it must be bottoming out somehow, or that maybe there was some theft-proofing mechanism that wasn't immediately apparent to me in my hurried squatting-on-the-sidewalk state.  So finally, figuring he had made it this far and that I would probably survive too, I just rode it home as it was and refrained from using the rear brake.  The bike creaked as I pedaled, almost certainly due to the loose skewer, which further led me to wonder how he hadn't noticed it.  (Though it did distract me from the clunking of the headset, which was also rather loose.)  Finally I got home and removed the skewer, at which point I learned that the reason it wouldn't turn was that the little spring was hopelessly mangled and caught in the nut:


So I replaced it with one of those cheesy plastic ones that would doubtless make Old Man Budnitz plotz:


(Eeew!  It's not titanium!)

I also tightened the headset and made various other adjustments, at which point it suddenly occurred to me that they probably weren't lending me the bike to review, since the typical Budnitz customer would never read this blog.  Instead, they probably pawned their tester off on me for the free maintenance!

It was a chilling and humbling revelation.

By the way, at this point you may have noticed I've spent more time futzing with the bike than I have riding it, which is exactly why all these bike reviews you read in all these magazines and websites are so ridiculous.  What most of them call a "long-term test" is, in the real world, barely enough time for a bicycle to be broken in.  You can't properly evaluate a bicycle until you've worn through at least one set of tires, brake pads, cogs, and grips.

Nevertheless, I do intend to use the bike in the manner in which its marketed, by which I mean as a "city bike," and that will involve locking it up outside if need be, here in my hometown of New York City, bike theft capital of the USA.  Shrewdly, Budnitz have equipped this city bike with fancyschmancy everything: Fizik Aliante saddle, White Industries hubs, Paul brake levers, and even a titanium Chris King headset (about three times more expensive than a "regular" aluminum one) to make it sting that much more when the bike eventually gets stolen.  Therefore, last night I set about "uglifying" the bike like they're always telling you to do in those stupid Internet theft-proofing instructionals.  Here's what I did.

First, I found the ugliest picture I could:


(Ugh, revolting.)

Then I made with the scissors:


(Ikea scissors, non-titanium version.)

And showed that, while I'm helpless when it comes to digital imaging, my old-school artz and craftz skillz are positively top-notch:


Next I fired up the frugal man's laminator (clear insulating tape):


And stuck the whole mess right on the downtube:


It was touch to apply since the bike is so damn swoopy.  Even so I doubt anyone will touch it in this condition, and I'm sure Old Man Budnitz is beside himself by now.

Moving on, while Budnitz spared no expense in "speccing" the No. 1, I may still upgrade to the "bong trigger rims," as forwarded by a reader:



vintage specialized carbon fiber road bike - $700 (mission district)
Date: 2012-09-25, 7:34PM PDT

vintage specialized road bikes super light 16 full carbon fiber frame and forks richie crank bong trigger rims and tires all the components on this bike Shimano 600 except for the derailer it's dur 1 sweet ride interested Rick (650)630 [deleted]

Though I'm not sure if they're "dick brake" compatible (via the Tweeter):





full suspension PacificYX8500 - $125 (Gresham.OR`)
Date: 2012-09-24, 8:29PM PDT

selling a 24 speed Full suspension mt PacificYX 8500
has a front dick brake
Easy of front tire
125 or best offer
Call or text
503 [deleted]

And I'd gladly trade the Budnitz for this baby:


The bicycle above forwarded to me by a reader who saw it on the Cincinnati Craigslist. ("Cincinnati Craigslist" sounds like a euphemism for a particularly filthy sex act.)  Sadly the ad has since been deleted, but happily the image survives.

Lastly, you can still submit an entry to the Second Biennial Cock-Off contest, but not for long.  Here's a refreshingly subtle entry:


I call this style "The Weightlifter:"


Then there's this one, for which the entrant was kind enough to supply a completed checklist:


  • the eye-hook mounted through the toptube.
  • the plastic bags
  • the bungee corded lock
  • the upsidedown bars
  • the two mirrors
  • the electrical tape bar-tape
  • one bell
  • one light mount (no light)
  • one computer
  • one electrical taped Canada flag, with spear tip
  • two cell phone holders
  • one bar mounted bag (ziptied)

Here's that eye-hook:



And the plastic bags:



Which leads me to believe it's a dedicated dog-walking bike--or even a dog-assisted bike, since the handlebar placement is ideal for controlling a bicycle towed by a canine:


The seat also keeps the rider (or, Carl) warm in the Canadian tundra:


Here's the entire bike, photographed at the North Pole:


Finally, there's this astounding canopy bike:


(Keep left!)

Though due to the non-conforming subject line of the entrant's email I may have to disqualify it.

95 comments:

Anonymous said...

Z90

Anonymous said...

podium

velobotomy said...

3rd?

tridork said...

Podium! Happy Wodnesday!

Ian Large said...

Top Ten! :-)

tridork said...

Sorry for the premature podium celebration. I was bent over my aerobars and didn't see velobtomy pass me at the finish.

Ed said...

Top Ten

Kenny said...

THERE IS NO 'A' IN WEDNESDEY!

God damn podium baby said...

Top teenie

CommieCanuck said...

if you wanted to really make that bike theft proof in Canada, laminate a picture of Ben Mulroney to it.

It actually prevents rust.

Anonymous said...

I was on a fucking bus. gross

Big Charlie said...

Someone's gotta say it:

Better a saddle that keeps Carl warm (or "hot" if you prefer) than a hot (K)Carl.

ken e. said...

information overload. Budnitz!

jno62 said...

i don't know Snob.

I think you may have been the target of a Budnitz Hit.

But being the shrewd city boy you are, you side stepped it. Or something.

Well play.

Anonymous said...

This post is funny, about the Budnitz and all.

singlespeedwaster said...

It's a fine day for weediness, whichever way you choose to style it.

grog said...

No pie-plate Bud.
Oh Babe.

McFly said...

The Larry King/Oprah collabo is beyond magnificent. Marketable.

Captain Hardbread said...

spondee!

mikeweb said...

Better a front dick brake than a front dick break.

Jan! said...

("Cincinnati Craigslist" sounds like a euphemism for a particularly filthy sex act.)
Subtle gold! (Copper? Or maybe cummingtonite?)

Paul B said...

Curses! Foiled again! Next time Snob. Next time.

JB said...

Silly Snobby: Budnitz curates bicycles, they would never stoop to maintaining them. Ew, dirty, greasy.

Anonymous said...

I read this and I lol'd

Cipo said...

eating pussy

babble on said...

...oh help...i'm rofl and i can't get up...need to breathe

pant pant

JB said...

What size is that Budnitz? The head tube looks to be Conan O'Brien length.

Anonymous said...

Wednesday + Budnitz + Oprah = Highlarious

Anonymous said...

A few comments:

That Budnitz is the ugliest fucking bike I have ever seen. If I had a dog that ugly I'd shave it's ass and teach it to walk backwards.

Growing up, I thought the Cincinnati Reds was a veneral diease.

That is all.

Anonymous said...

Are those two fanciful stainless bolts on the rear ti dropout supposed to hint at utilitarian possibilities?

White Industries makes good stuff, sad to see it on the douchenozzle/Budnutz

I say, Eye-bolt that swoopy mess.

DICS BRAK

Anonymous said...

"lavishly expensive designer douche chariot" --- that's a keeper!

Anonymous said...

CNPY BIKE

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

The Budnitz wouldn't look half bad with a set of paper boy baskets on the back. Or maybe a milk crate on the front.

Hey commie is your name Carl?

CommieCanuck said...

I WISH.. sweet bars.

CommieCanuck said...

I know a village in Mexico you can get a Cincinnati Craigslist for $50, no questions asked.

Kimmage said...

Uh, forgive me for stating the obvious, but they were trying to kill you by lending that bike in that way. You are much too kind in assuming they wanted you to simply "fix it." Typical NYC naivete...

leroy said...

Puppy disease?

Canine bike towing?

Commentators threatening doggie butt shaving?

No wonder my dog is hiding under the bed.

Don't know why he took his bong with him. He assured me long ago it wasn't a working model.

Happy Wednesday!

SocialBlunder said...

Maple syrup baths! Have the police visited you about the theft of the Global Strategic Maple Syrup Reserve?

babble on said...

Isn't it crazy how life is funnier than fiction sometimes? That's the contrary nature of life for you...

It's sooooooo pretty your borrowed swoopy budnitz, even slightly mangled and gawdawfully uglified like that. It would be MUCH better with gold wheels, though, and a gold chain to keep the Fizik affixed.

Oh dear. Oh no. Here we go... I've got bike lust going on.

It starts with the fantasies...

babble on said...

If you ride your budnitz in your bathtowel up here to Canadia, you can have a whole pool full of maple syrup to splash about in to your hearts content.

You won't find bacon donuts at Timmy's, though. That's a Vancouver speciality you probably missed when you dropped by.

babble on said...

Leroy! I'm still rolling on the floor, thanks, and I can't get up. You're not helping. I'll be with the dog under the bed.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

At the very least I'd rock some dice valve stem caps on that bad boy. Steal a couple red ones outta your Yatzee set. That'd look sick.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like the bus ride was more enjoyable than your ride home. not an auspicious start for the Budnitz. I should consider a Kickstarter campaign for your Bike Uglification Kit, I would donate.

Billy said...

I had to Google "pecker tracks" and now I am horrified / amused for life:

Q: How do I get pecker tracks and poo stains off a wedding gown?

A (chosen by voters): I don't know, but that sounds like a party!..

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100313000847AAXrGsA

Anonymous said...

@mikeweb: Front dick brakes are to help keep the pecker tracks out of your pants. And Snobbie: nice job on the "hair selection". Every PS user knows that the hair is the hard part...

McFly said...

Can you mail me a Larry/Oprah downtube uglifier? Except with Jay Leno and Ellen Degenerate.

frilly said...

Yeah, snobbie, agree with the others about Budnitz' intentions. Take care!

Love the dice valve stem cover idea. Thats awesome! Not enough to actually buy a drill, hmmm, thinking who do I know.

RANTWICK said...

Budnitz, huh? Mangled skewer spring thing and loose headset, huh?

HOW? It costs $5600! HOW?

Anonymous said...

Urban Dictionary

-----

Budnitz


1. lavishly expensive designer douche chariot

2. chilling and humbling revelation of being a douche

1. "Look at that guy's Budnitz, do you think he know he's a douche?"

2. "Once I realized I was a Budnitz, I sold my lavishly expensive designer douche chariot."

Rex H said...

Bolt on quick release? Come on snob, don't be Fred.

Anonymous said...

Those Cockpits make me sad, very sad.
Why?
Because they tell stories. They speak of confusion and psychic pain. The bags, the multiple mirrors,the eye bolt, especially the eye bolt FFS, just about scream mental illness and the very real and great potential for homelessness.
Mocking the cockpits of crazy people. I don't know Snob, it's starting to make me uncomfortable. Sorry.

Anonymous said...

Also, I forgot to mention the contrast between the Budnitz and the homeless folks cockpits reminds me of Manhattan bankers versus the Occupiers.
Are you that subtle, Snob?
Are you stealth blogging the culture wars?

Anonymous said...

PCKR TRAX

JB said...

Mocking? We're studying the cockpits. And we're laughing with them.

Billy said...

Grant Petersen should have a gallery of these cockpits.

They're a commentary on the sad state of American cycling. Anyone who wants to cycle for practical reasons has to somehow adapt some completely unsuitable racing or MTB inspired hunk of metal into a practical utility cycle.

Every time I see flipped over drop bars, I think that person needs a bike that fits and some nice north road style bars instead.

It's the contortions American cyclists go through to try and make their bikes comfortable after they buy them based on advertising copy about how *uncomfortable* (aka laterally stiff) they are.

John Fiene said...

Did you know that a 'Fred' in Canada is actually called a 'Carl'?

Anonymous said...

BudnitzSnobNYC

babble on said...

They're right. It's definitely a hit. Beware of the kiss of don budnitz...

You know what? I'll do the taste test for you.

Yes, I would make that sacrifice for you, Wildcat, but only cause I RESPECT you so much. For sure. It's all about you, Snobbers, you and sun-dappled cockpit ART.

I'll take the bus and meet you at the airport.

g-roc said...

I dunno, it's an okay looking bike I guess. I've seen uglier. However, for $5.6k you could buy your whole family similar looking bikes from someone like Joe Breeze, professionally assembled at your LBS and you'd still be overpaying, unless by whole family, you include your 17 children - then it's a bargoon.

I think the $5600 includes the cost of the hit man so you can keep reselling #1 over and over and over.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I agree with Anon 2:20 to a point. Mostly it's fun and games but sometimes those cockpits seem like a cry for help and at that point I just can't laugh anymore.
Still, I do smell a good NY Times article or even a coffee table book all about cockpits.
What IS with that eyebolt?

Marcel Da Chump said...

Yep, the Budnitz was sabotaged...douchertaged.

The Old Frisian said...

Hark! these magnificent cockpit creations are but a reflection of their curator's intrepid genius.

Great be the fortitude of dear SnobSquire to bring this wonderous collection for our enrichment, not to mock but to rejoice in the utter brilliance manifest in chrome and duct tape.

Remember DaVinci and his silly helicopter drawings? Eh! Who's laughing now?

CommieCanuck said...

You won't find bacon donuts at Timmy's, though. That's a Vancouver speciality you probably missed when you dropped by

The only way Vancouver would buy Timbits is if they charged $12 each for them.

CommieCanuck said...

Still, I do smell a good NY Times article or even a coffee table book all about cockpits.

How about a coffee table book about cockpits that clips onto handle bars to form a cockpit? Genius.

yogisurf said...

The Budnitz guy was trying to 'off' you, Snobby....you ride off, swerve in front of a bus, the rear wheel falls off...you're traction.

self-obsessed and sexee said...

Dick brake?
OH! THE HORROR!

Anonymous said...

I love that last picture of the safety wind-umbrella-shield (with optional directional arrow)! I'm sure it was invented by some poor schmuck safety engineer, who is even now futilely checking match.com [alas, still no matches...]. What a neat idea...

Test Tickle said...

Viking Lofgren: Hey, Budnitz.
Horowitz: The name is Horowitz, asshole.
Viking Lofgren: Horowitz asshole?
Paco Moreno: I heard it was lipshitz.
Viking Lofgren: Yeah, and if your Budnitz, what's your asshole doin'?

Balls.

Anonymous said...

I wonder if BSNYC will take antitheft measures for the wheels, handlebars, and seat. Then Budnitz will make a theivery proof version for $1500 more

wishiwasmerckx said...

No maple bacon donuts in Vancouver? Try Voodoo Donuts in Portland.

And stop posting about traif donuts on Yom Kippor. It's just insensitive...

Anonymous said...

I expect to see pics of that Budnitz with a curated and crowd sourced cockpit in the coming weeks. I'll provide a rear view shaving mirror to get it started...and an eye bolt. Don't forget the eye bolt FFS, RIGHT through the top tube.

Anonymous said...

At least ou used a pic of Oprah where she is semi-fuckable. Smart thinking.

Anonymous said...

Damn you babble. I was trying to check out your cuteness level but this stupid iPad keeps your face upside down no matter how I turn it. Do you know how hard it is to explain to your girlfriend why you are jacking off while standing on your head in the living room?

WTF! Really? said...

To: Those Cockpits make me sad, very sad.

What the hell happened to calling people weird or just plain stupid?
Now anyone with a funny bike has "mental illness" and every dip-shit that can't read has "dyslexia".

As a weird, lysdexic I don't mind certain labels, I even deserve some of them. But just don't remind of them while I'm on my break.

From: Smiley Face

Serial Retrogrouch said...

lastly, finally.

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
g-roc said...

Seriously, enough about the bacon. Don't you know there's a shortage? Now all I want is the unattainable greasy goodness of bacon.

Stupid name said...

Bud it's made in boulder, since they dont steal bikes in boulder

Anonymous said...

Two things anon 5:23

1. Lock your screen
2. Babble is very hot! check out her blogs.

Inverted LivingRoom Jackmaster said...

I have checked out her blogs but up until recently it was all nipples and calves which are nice don't get me wrong. Eventually though she is going to get off her knees a turn back around and well, ya know, a pretty face is just a nice bonus on a freaky girl.

Nebraska Bike Commuter (non DWI edition) said...

You have formidable scissor skills Mr. Rock Machine. I'm sure thecould lead to a lucrative career if this blog thingy doesn't work out.

n said...

*They could*

(must proofread)

Vegas said...

$5,600 but no XTR? No thank you.

And Snob you seem to be missing the distinction between a "city" bike and a "City" bike. The Spudnikz is obviously meant for one and not the other.

Anonymous said...

You don't want anyone seeing your home, because you don't want anyone stealing your bud...nitz.

Jim Tignor said...

Maybe the folks at Budnitz sent u such a poorly assembled bike hoping it would end up being your demise. Then you would no longer write snarky stuff about their steed.

Jim Tignor said...

Maybe the folks at Budnitz sent u such a poorly assembled bike hoping it would end up being your demise. Then you would no longer write snarky stuff about their steed.

ken e. said...


"perhaps the most classic of all"

ken e. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Steve Tilford thinks we are "weird society" because people shoot icebergs. He is right.

Anonymous said...

Avid BB7? On a 5000$ cityride? go fuckyrslf!

mohit said...

What A Witch Can Do
Do you have any idea what a witch can do when it comes to you on a dark lonely night? See the cartoon animated Maruti video for more details- http://bit.ly/BoyandtheWitch

Anonymous said...

thanks for sharing..

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lazer epilasyon said...

You don't want anyone seeing your home, because you don't want anyone stealing your bud

Anonymous said...


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