Thursday, June 18, 2015

Bros Before Freds: Dudes Will Be Dudes

As per last Tuesday's post, "bikepacking" is The Big Thing now.  So what is bikepacking?  Well, I'm not exactly the outdoorsy type (I like to sleep indoors, and "roughing it" to me means using a bathroom without a bidet), but my understanding of it is that it's basically just bro-ified bike touring on faster bicycles.

Indeed, as I've pointed out before, cycling trends today seem to be increasingly bro-driven, to the extent that these bros are literally shitting all over their own events--to wit, the death of something called the "Oregon Outback" (via a reader named Mike):

Not sure what I’m talking about? Here’s a rundown of some of the things that happened on the Oregon Outback this year, from kind of bad to horrendous:

1. Leaving garbage all along the route
2. Leaving bushcamp sites full of actual shit and used TP, not only not burying it, but leaving actual shit and used TP in the campsites
3. Leaving garbage all over the barn that a local opened up to folks in Silver Lake during the first, rainy night
4. Leaving the park in Silver Lake in enough disrepair that the city passed a new ordinance banning camping
5. Someone taking an actual shit in the yard of the nice folks who opened up their barn for riders to camp (see #3 above, same barn…)

Nicely done.

It would appear that the same people who were riding fixies and "laying down fat skids" all over the city 10 years ago have now moved onto laying down fat craps all over the countryside.

Meanwhile, the bike companies are more than happy to pander to this sense of frat-boyish adventure, and to that end Cannondale have released the full-length promotional video for that ungodly front-suspension road bike I mentioned yesterday:

The film opens with two duders--pro cyclocrossing dude Tim Johnson and pro Cannondaling dude David Devine--fueling up for a big ride and addressing each-other as "dude" in laconic dude-like drawls:

The dialogue centers around how they like totally don't know what to expect from this ride, since it's going to involve all sorts of terrain, and they're going to be riding a whole new style of bike, the likes of which the world has never seen--all of which seems particularly disingenuous since presumably they've been planning both the ride and the bicycle for quite some time now, not to mention hired a film crew, so obviously they know goddamn well exactly what to expect.

Anyway, we're suppose to have the sense that these two duders are riding off the edge of the known universe and into the void, but a brief clip of the bike going down a set of stairs allays our fears and reassures us that yes, we're watching a promotional video, and yes, the bike is going to be like totally awesome:

But most importantly, cycling will never be the same again:

"There's a lot of people that don't care about racing.  I think that's something that's easily forgotten."

At which point they cut to the REALLY FAST RIDING!

Tim Johnson promoting a bike for people who don't care about racing is like Anthony Bourdain promoting a line of garden burgers.

By the way, it's enough with the fucking gravel already:

At this point, you may be wondering why you need a road bike with front suspension and 650b wheels to ride up a loose gravel climb.  Well, here are a bunch of random numbers:

Am I crazy, or does that say they're on a 72% gradient?  Because wouldn't that look like this?

Or do they just mean they're riding past something with a 72% gradient?

Either way, here they are, TOTALLY NOT RACING:

And here they are again, thinking about the bike and what it means in the grand scheme of human existence:

"You work all day, it's a grind.  You travel all the time, it's a grind.  Whatever that is and you wanna get away from it, then you do wanna go get lost and you wanna find a new place to ride or I've seen that turn and I've never taken it, I wanna take it, you know, see what happens..."

Wow, you mean the Lefty lets you turn the bike whenever you feel like it in a direction of your choosing?


Well, they set out to blow minds, and they certainly succeeded, because I feel like I'm riding into a whole new era of gimmickry and pretention:

Indeed, this could be you, bunnyhopping the chains of society:


But while this marketing video may be a bit silly, it's practically a Werner Herzog documentary compared to the marketing efforts of your typical aspiring Kickstarter entrepreneur.  For example, here's an email I received yesterday from the "Broken Bones Bicycle Company" (not to be confused with the punk band of the same name):

Hello Bike Snob! I’m writing to let you know about my Kickstarter for the Broken Bones Bicycle Company.  You are doing some cool and original stuff in the cycling world so I thought you might be interested.  

You might be wondering about the name.  Broken Bones is an acknowledgment of the danger we face every time we get on the bike.  It’s a tribute to every rider who’s ever fallen and gotten back up.  We crash and we crash and we get back up.

I also wanted to tell you about is the short film I made called “My Daddy Rides a Bicycle”.  It’s very short but it’s a real tearjerker.  You can find it on the Kickstarter page.

If you like what you see, please pass it along.

"We crash and we crash and we get back up"?  


You're probably thinking he must be a triathlete, but alas, it's clear from the video that he's merely a terminal Fred:

As the film begins we find our Fredly hero crawling towards his broken bike after a crash:

Presumably because he tried to get all Tim Johnson and break the chains of society without using a 650b front suspension road bike.

We soon learn that amateur bike racers are American heroes, right up there with veterans and firefighters:

"My daddy rides a bicycle.  My daddy's a bike racer.  He trains hard every day.  Sometimes he crashes, but he says sometimes we all fall down.  The important thing is that you get back up.  I love my daddy and all his broken bones."


Then he replaces his broken Fred Sled with another and takes off again:

Well, he's right, this video sure is a tearjerker.  It's like listening to a kid whose father's a junkie.  He rides, he falls, he waits for his bones to knit, and then he does it all over again.  Meanwhile the kid's alone at home, broken shards of crabon his only playthings.

This is followed by a lengthy and boastful discourse on the extent of his Fredding-related injuries:

"I'm lying there in the hospital bed, looking through a cycling magazine ... the sport as it's presented in the magazine is very plain, very elegant, kind of boring and simple..."

From which we can infer he was reading Bicycling:

(Bicycling's target readership is injured Freds on painkillers.)

So he resolves to start a bike company that reflects his unnecessarily crashy version of the sport.

"Broken Bones is meant to be a tribute to every rider who's ever fallen off and gotten back up.  It's a tribute to the danger we face every time we step over the bike."

I think what he means by that is it's a tribute to every rider he's ever crossed wheels with and taken out, and to the danger they face every time they ride in the same pack with him.  If nothing else, this video is a valuable public service, because it's a warning to the entire cycling world to NEVER, EVER GET INTO A PACELINE WITH THIS GUY.

By the way, if his company is all about crashing, why does he make his bikes out of crabon?

Based on everything he's said so far they're not going to last a week.

Seems like some kind of rubber would have been a better choice.

And sweet fancy lob, what the hell is it with Los Angeles?  They've got to have the cheesiest Fred scene on the planet Earth:

I think Broken Bones guy aspires to be the second coming of Michael Ball:

But wait, it gets cheesier:

"I spent a lot of time on social media and we decided we wanted to enter the fixie market."

Nothing good has ever followed the words "I spent a lot of time on social media...," and this is no exception.  Usually spending lots of time on social media results in sending people unsolicited pictures of your genitals, but hawking fixies is only marginally better:

I'd say "kill it with fire" but it looks like someone already tried.

Oh, by the way, the new crabon road frame is called..."The Fracture:"

Pro marketing tip: don't name your crabon bike after the way in which it's most likely to fail.

That's like calling your line of bib shorts the tinea cruris.

At the very least, find a pro bike racer to sit in a field and wax poetic about it instead.

And, if at all possible, fit it with a suspension fork.


groanhammer said...


b said...

podium dude

Tom said...


Anonymous said...


Ted K. said...

29. [ Radio Edit ]

dop said...


Name said...


So many of your already here. Fucking Ted as well.

JB said...

Fred Bickle?

Anonymous said...



Bob Patterson said...

RE: barn/yard trashing. A new Fred low - literally shitting on your host.

Blog Drafter said...

"Happy People"

Stiveaux said...

Lots of half-wheeling perpetrated on the bro ride. I will, however, award points for the chain bunny hop.

youcancallmeAl said...

are you makin this shit up? I find it hard to believe that anyone could expect this kind of stuff to be taken seriously!!

I have made a terrible mistake said...

Thanks for the wiki link. To quote the great Henry Winkler, "Those are balls"

Anonymous said...

Good one, Snob!

Also about "By the way, if his company is all about crashing, why does he make his bikes out of crabon?"

Guessing so they can sell you another one after you crash and break the first one. In infinitum.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the Werner Herzog mention.


Werner Herzog.

BamaPhred said...

If I ate all of what those lefty ridin bro duders ate at 4 in the morning and then went for a ride I would be dropping an "Epic" somewhere shortly after sun up. Duuuude!

P. Bateman said...

so, admittedly its been a long time since i was shopping bike parts, and i'm embarrassed to say i've spent quite a bit of time in the past 48 hour debating all kinds of bits and pieces for this new-to-me bridgestone slightly offroading adventure steed.

in my defense part of that is i'm trying to find some good deals, but the fact that i've scoured for over an hour for a stem is just making me want to cover my head with a brown bag.

good news is i think i have a line on a good buy on a brooks saddle (if i dont make their cambium testing team...thansk SNOB for your helpful ads)

Anonymous said...

Seems like everyone of these Kickstarter money grabs starts off the same. Nice form letter, way to make the adressee feel like you are actually familiar with their product.

Hello XXXXXXXXXX! I’m writing to let you know about my Kickstarter for the XXXXXXXXXXX. You are doing some cool and original stuff in the cycling world so I thought you might be interested.

Just fill in the blanks

McFly said...

One could actually identify the Phantom Shitter by doing a case study on the number of "rest segments" in each terd/tird/turd.

PotbellyJoe said...


Is it a 1" headtube? I was having a hell of a time trying to find upgrades to go threadless 1" in the future. I really dislike threaded for wholly irrational reasons.

Watching this guy try to be punk-rock fred is just sad.

$20 says he hasn't spoken to his dad in over 10 years.

Name said...

Let me see if I got this: Bikepacking is touring for people that refuse at all costs to install racks on their bikes. No matter how inconvenient that makes the whole thing. Got it right?

Gen Y said...

There is a complete lack of class with these millennial bro types.

How do you address someone who is littering on your trail?

Anonymous said...

Was the Tim Johnson video filmed in Oregon?

Name said...

Gen Y,

Call them Trail Trash?

janinedm said...

That bike looks like an energy drink can and I'm not here for it. And i love how the pitch is like one of those As Seen on TV ads, solving a problem that no competent person has on a regular basis. "Tired of third degree burns every time you make pancakes?" "Listen, we all electrocute ourselves when we try to set up our wi-fi. Here's a modem for us!"

Anonymous said...

Tinea cruris.
Nice one, Snob.

Anonymous said...

Why oh why did I click on tinea curis?

Fred sled makes up for it though.

Fuckin' love you Snob. And I'm SO heterosexual.

PotbellyJoe said...

@Name 1:29, Good point on the racks. Front panniers make a ton of sense for touring, but I could see how a Lefty would be a problem for that.

Anonymous said...

Thanks wildcat, now I finally found a bike that will go with my vast collection of Ed Hardy tee shirts. Now I can finally move to Las Vegas and become a magician.

Anonymous said...

Bikepacking is touring on a MTB, usually off-road e.g. gypsie by trade

Roma Duuuuude said...

Hey, who you callin' a gypsie?!

Anonymous said...

thanks for the Cannondale video. Pretty cool. But I think it cut off at the end, right before that part where they jerk each other off?

Anonymous said...

@potbelly - yeah, 1" quill stem, there is a cheap conversion that is sitting in my checkout bin. like $20 bucks.

Anonymous said...

P. Bateman

You want threadless? Can't use threaded? Need new fork, and Bike too big? Old steel forks can be bent back into alignment...

Surly has a 1" threadless fork (steel). I'm using one on an old 25.5" Trek 520 frame - I could not find a long enough steerer with a threaded fork. Then use a 1 1/8 stem, and a stem adapter shim to use the 1 1/8 stem.

It's the Steamroller fork - No rack mount points, use P-clamps.

JB said...

Those "tribal" looking bikes are fugly. They look what my kid would do with a bunch of temporary tattoo stickers.

Can anyone point out where Lefty guys actually NEEDED a suspension fork?
To bunnyhop: no
To go up that broken pavement ramp: no
"Loose" gravel: no
Off road w/no drops: no

Can we get t-shirts that say:

it's enough with the fucking gravel already

NHcycler said...

Didn't we go through this some time last year? That's not a 72% gradient, it's a 72 degree slope. Rise over run, dude!

Anonymous said...

@anon - i just kind of want a threadless. the bike is a tad to big and the current stem is a huge thing that came stock - 5 inches which is like... a lot of millimeters. so just gonna get a newer threadless and shorten up the cockpit - like those dudes in brooklyn with the tiny penises.

Here For A Good Tine said...

How can it be called a fork if it only has one side?

BikeSnobNYC said...


It says "Grade 72%."

Maybe they're grading the video...?

--Wildcat Rock Machine

JLRB said...

Donald Trump will not ride a Lefty - now maybe if Cannondale put it on the right side ... (and made Mexico pay for it)

BikeSnobNYC said...

Here For A Good Tine,

Holy crap you just blew my mind.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

ken e. said...

offfroading, next up on the spoiled by idiots channel! oh wait, there's already drunk shuttlers for that.



JB said...

Isn't 72 degrees steeper than 72%?
Is 100% = 1:1 or 45 degrees?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Well, I'm no expert, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn last night, It seems to me that rolling out at 45 psi might be just ducky for knobby mtn. bike tires, but isn't 45 psi a little low for what appears to be a fancy-pants cyclocross bike masquerading as a road bike? Wouldn't it be sluggish on the flats and dicey in the corners at speed? Wouldn't you bottom out and dent the rim if you hit a real hazard?

Anonymous said...


If the old fork is fine, then just a shorter stem is way cheaper and easier than swapping out the fork, headset, stem, etc. A lot of people have replaced stock quill stems with taller ones as they became older and less flexible -- sounds like you want to go back to the original.

FYI, the shim for a 25.6 bar in a 26.0 handlebar clamp is the aluminum cut from a soda can.

Anonymous said...


Aren't grade and slope the same thing?

Comment deleted said...

I approve of the "tinea cruris" simile.

-- Jaques Roche

Ben said...

Yeah, not only are they climbing a 72% grade, but on that same screen they list the 650b wheels as having an ISO rim diameter of 571. Hate to be nit-picky, but 571 is 650c, not 650b (584 ISO), and yes, there is a difference. Somebody should tell C-dale that when they launch a new bike and plaster the interwebs with their super rad bro video, they should at least know what size wheels are on the thing.

BikeSnobNYC said...


Don't question. The flashy riding coupled with the graphics containing meaningless data should be more than enough to convince you that this bike will usher in a new era of riding performance.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

For the love of lob, slob, can you set this nitwit straight? "Riding a Bike on the Sidewalk Makes Sense. Why the Hate?"

NHcycler said...

@Anonymous 2:20PM:

Yes -- but I referred to the confusion some people have between "degrees" and "percent".

Anonymous said...

"Isn't 72 degrees steeper than 72%?
Is 100% = 1:1 or 45 degrees?"

Yes and yes.

"Aren't grade and slope the same thing?"

Yes but percent grade/slope is not the same thing a degree grade/slope, as described in the Wikipedia link you posted.

Lust like length and distance are the same, and you can measure them with feet or meters, but feet are not the same as meters.

JLRB said...

More degree slope gradient grade pitch math matters

leroy said...

"My Daddy Rides A Bike" a tearjerker?

Oh puh-leeze.

You want a real heart breaking beautiful tearjerker?

Try Maria Callas singing the "Ebben? Ne andro lontana" aria from La Wally.

Get that stuck in your head while climbing a hill and you wind up sobbing uncontrollably, but feeling remarkably cleansed.

English subtitles here, but it's better to listen with one's eyes closed.

Anonymous said...

anon 2:20 - I was told that only PBR cans worked

Anonymous said...

vsk said ...

For a Good Tine . . . Sr. Snob beat me to it!

I'm sure Ms. Babble looks at the Broken Boner and says "hahahaha ... amateur!"

For a weighty weenie roadie byke, a one sided fork has to be just heavier? I mean, all that leverage on the axle needs to be kept in check with a relatively lot more material than just making another blade. But what do I know, I take a Peugeot from the 70s and 'enhance it' with items from the 50s/60s.

DB -
I have gone to NYC Velo and gotten goodies there and they built a set of wheels for me. Yes, nice folks.

I miss TrackStar.


JLRB said...

Still thinking about the math

"Bicyclists, motorists, carpenters, roofers and others either need to calculate slope or at least must have some understanding of it.
Slope, tilt or inclination can be expressed in three ways:
1) As a ratio of the rise to the run (for example 1 in 20)
2) As an angle (almost always in degrees)
3) As a percentage called the "grade" which is the (rise ÷ run) * 100.

Of these 3 ways, slope is expressed as a ratio or a grade much more often than an actual angle and here's the reason why.
Stating a ratio such as 1 in 20 tells you immediately that for every 20 horizontal units traveled, your altitude increases 1 unit.
Stating this as a percentage, whatever horizontal distance you travel, your altitude increases by 5% of that distance.

Stating this as an angle of 2.8624 degrees doesn't give you much of an idea how the rise compares to the run."

A 1 in 72 slope is only 1.3%
A 72 in 1 slope is impossibly steep.

wishiwasmerckx said...

"Eben on andro steroids" is positively operatic.

Thank you, Leroy.

P. Bateman said...

thanks @anon on the beer can fix. good news is not swapping out the fork. there is just a handy dandy little converter that is basically a stemless quil that has a 1 1/8 threadless head.

Lieut. Frank Columbo said...

It can't be a 72º slope with 0º being flat, because that would look like the dam. It can't be 72º measured downward from vertical (i.e. straight up is called 0º and dead flat is called 90º) because that's stupid and nobody measures it that way.

Luckily nobody said anything about degrees in the first place. They said 72% which for those of you who went to school in the USA, converts to about 36º above flat. But this also seems unlikely because A) the supposed steepest road in the world has a slope of no more than 35% (19º), and B) That slope they're climbing looks nothing like that (and you can be sure if they were going to tilt the camera it would be to exaggerate the steepness, not minimize it).

The officer will take you downtown ma'am.

wats7 said...

Has anyone ever crashed so hard it knocked the seat off? Then he wheels the bike like 5 miles and it seems to be tracking just fine. Broken bones? Babble can let him know what real broken bones look like.

Anonymous said...

See what happens when you use "shit" as a generic substitute for the word "stuff"? When the time comes to talk about actual shit, you have to say "actual shit" every time.

Neil said...

Wait, Cannondale figured out going from 700c to 650b road wheels makes sense because apparently smaller is better just as I started accepting that going from 26" to 29" MTB wheels makes sense because apparently bigger is better? I missed that one day in junior high when we covered the metric system but I think trends is wheel sizing between road bikes and mountain bikes just passed each other around the 27" mark.

NHcycler said...

Lieut. Frank Columbo said...

"It can't be a 72º slope with 0º being flat, because that would look like the dam"

"Luckily nobody said anything about degrees in the first place."

But the photo of the dam in the referenced "Top Gear" article clearly is a ~72 degree slope...

Unknown said...

Why in the hell are they eating breakfast at 4:15am?? Can the bike not handle a 6am breakfast??

grog said...

GOLD SNOB except for the crabon and shit.

NHcycler said...

@Anonymous 3:04PM said:

"See what happens when you use "shit" as a generic substitute for the word "stuff"? When the time comes to talk about actual shit, you have to say "actual shit" every time."

Awesome! I mean actually awesome!

Tycho Brahe said...

"i.e. straight up is called 0º and dead flat is called 90º) because that's stupid and nobody measures it that way."

That's the way I measured things. An I had a stellar 'stache.

new_bike_collabo said...

And sweet fancy lob, what the hell is it with Los Angeles? They've got to have the cheesiest Fred scene on the planet Earth:

Entertainment industry parents who farmed out their kids to private schools. "Hey Dad, I've got this great idea. I want to sell bikes. Only the way I will brand them HAS NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE!!!! Mind blown." Of course, Dad approves of Johnny's new collabo and is funding it, like the apartment and car.

The middle-age Freds vary from innocent, misguided newbie to type-A athlete visiting cycling for a while.

Lots of young, mostly broke kids riding bikes at odd hours these days though.

Anonymous said...

Thanks Anon 2:46.
Looking forward to going there. Always loved The Yellow Jersey in Madison, you could get pretty much any part you needed. Think they made more money selling drugs out the back than bikes out the front.
And thanks Leroy: now I can't get that aria out of my head.

Anonymous said...

More gradient/slope/degrees porn talk or I´ma fucking kill you all.

Anonymous said...

I don't even know where to stary with that Cannondale ad.

Grump said...

I'm thinking that Right wing Republicans wouldn't buy that bike unless it had a "Righty" fork on it.

DougieFresh said...

Are you an idiot or something? I've come to expect better of you, snob. "bikepacking" is a play on "backpacking". The most common use of the latter word in the USA refers to offroad travel. Bikepacking is fundamentally off-road bicycle touring. Evidently you're not spending enough time on social media or wikipedia.

BikeSnobNYC said...


I can't tell if you're being serious or not.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

PotbellyJoe said...

Really hoping DougieFresh will come to expect better from himself too.

JLRB said...

I think the answer is b: something.

Name said...


I can't tell if you're being silly or not.

Jacques Tutyte said...

Tinea Cruris

Grundleous Rasus

Fromunda Formicatio

Trapper John said...

Dude, wouldn't bikepacking be like, uh, carrying a bike on your back?

JLRB said...

Semi-on-topic question:

I need a new backpack style bicycling bag for commuting to replace my 7+ year old stinky Vaude backpack due to: (1) the smell of many sweaty commutes; (2) broken strap buckles here and there; and (3) failing zippers. The Vaude has a nice rigid thingie that keeps the bag off my back.

Similar bags out there in use that you like?

Opinions on roll top bags - seems like an annoyance - rain cover has always kept my stuff dry enough ...

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I still say the titanium Brompton would be the best bikepacking bike. The Ti for extra light weight and the ease folding and compact size takes up less space in your backpack.

Schisthead said...

"Evidently you're not spending enough time on social media or wikipedia."

Is that where the cool kids are bikepacking?

Damn, I learn something new about how wrong and lame I am every day...

wishiwasmerckx said...

Tycho Brahe was better known for his tin nose than his hipster 'stache.

Anonymous said...

The optimal amount of time to spend on social media is 0. On the other hand, Wikipedia you could almost put yourself through college or some actual shit like dat.

Winky said...

JLRB @ 4:25

I have a Gregory with the frame-thingy to keep it off my back. It's lasted 8 years of daily commuting and still going strong.

I don't like the roll top waterproof packs as if I have wet gear from the morning, there is nowhere to stow it other than in the pack with the dry stuff. OK, I could have a dry-bag I guess, but that defeats the purpose of a waterproof pack in the first place. So I use a dry sack inside my non-waterproof Gregory and just put the wet stuff outside of it!

Anonymous said...


Quit bitching about Freds and go ride...

Anonymous said...

majorly bromantic..

Spokey said...

sorry i'm late

was forced to attend a secret alternative fueling event with my ex-partner

initial reaction?

i hope there is nothing on tomorrow's quiz from the second half of that cannondale video. by the second minute i was weeping, had to rip my shift off, and perform self-flagelation to purify myself.

Dr Jock Rot said...

Sick of slope calculations, bros, Fred's, tacky bikes, and gravel?
Arias stuck in your head?
Get your favorite inter webs search engine, type in tinea cruris, and click "images"
Consider yourself warned.

leroy said...

Dear Mr. DougieFresh -

Well honestly, bikepacking is a little confusing. Even my dog thought it was backpicking.

He's usually up on these things and not shy about sharing.

Although he declined to teach me how to Dougie.

DB -- I'm planning on dropping in at NYC Velo on the way home. Lost my commuter lights. They have what I'm looking for and seemed nice on the phone.

pablo straittio said...

Using Deuter Cross Airs for several years on and off road. Keeps your back dry even if they're a little bit chunky.

pablo straittio said...

Using Deuter Cross Airs for several years on and off road. Keeps your back dry even if they're a little bit chunky.

pablo straittio said...

Using Deuter Cross Airs for several years on and off road. Keeps your back dry even if they're a little bit chunky.

Spokey said...


re commuter lights

swing by the street fair instead and drop by your dog's booth. good deal today on lights.

Count of Sprint said...


Count of Sprint said...


Have A Cow said...

'Wait 'till the cows come home'. What the hell is that supposed to mean anyway?!! Who the hell says that?!! I just HATE it when someone says, 'wait 'till the cows come home.' I mean, who even HAS a cow anymore! And if someone even did have a cow then it would live in a barn. Right?!! No one keeps a cow in their home. God!! The people I have to share my oxygen with...

Spokey said...

me me me

Count of Sprint said...


Count of Sprint said...


Anonymous said...

I want to take you bikepacking. We can do Pittsburgh to DC on the GAP and C&O, a week and 350 miles, or a 3 day out and back of Pine Creek, aka the "Grand Canyon of Pennsylvania" 130 miles. Check them out. Have been doing this before it was cool. I am older (than you) and have never raced, but must admit my middle name really is Frederick. I have done these on a basic 'cross bike with panniers made from Tidy Cats buckets. Yes. Really. Also check these out. Cell service to post bloggery spotty on these routes. These are an entry level East Coast way to experience and speak with some cred about this "Trend".
Game Bro?

ce said...

Ah, Tinea Cruris, or as I prefer to call it, Athlete's Arse.

Ryan Kelley said...

That is the last time I am clicking on something from your blog.

ce said...

My buddy sewed up some canvas frame bags to fit to our rigid steel mountain bikes for a two day bike rogaining race back in 1998. Who knew, with our shitty bikes and weird bags that we were actually the trend setting bros in the field.

Anonymous said...

Report back on your NYC Velo experience.

ce said...

(Our bikes were not literally shitty)

babble on said...

vsk and mr Watts - Right?!? And no fucking way I am going anywhere near a bike called fracture. That would just be tempting fate.

And Here for a Good Tine might have blown your mind today, but I blew his... er... his mind last night, so there. A Good Tine was Had by All.

McFly said...

Tinea Penii earlier in the week that segues into tinea crusis. Nice.

I don't trust anyone in a camo trucker hat.

bieks said...

Ryan, I learned not to click a few weeks back after the link of people with holes in their skin. Still shudder. Not clicking.

Bob Patterson said...

Trick question for this week's quiz: A 100% incline is
a. 45 degrees from horizontal
b. 60 degress
c. 80 degress
d. 90 degrees

Stanley W. said...

Broken Bones guy takes what is possibly the most convoluted walk through Los Angeles I've ever seen. I mean, I get the ocean-front path through Santa Monica and Venice is pretty, but he seems to make some sort of giant U around the entirety of the city. While the buses and übers there are maybe not the most convenient, he could've gotten home to his second Crabon Chariot™ much faster. Or, he could've ridden seat-free and MASHED TEH WHOLE WAY BRO!

Lil' Johnny said...

My daddy rides a bicycle. My daddy's a bike racer. That must be why I don't ever have any milk money...and mommy is humping the Orkin man.

Anonymous said...

Stanley W.,

Bad idea bro.'re mashing and accidentally forget about the missing seat and plop down on a descent well guess what? Now you're gay and you get home and tell your wife and she's like "That's cool the Orkin man has been exterminating my sexual lust for 6 months."

Anonymous said...

When blowing a micro-weenie is it proper etiquette to "pretend deep throat" or do you just treat it like a watermelon jolly rancher and work it until it's gone. Don't even act like this has not happened.

Tom Hanks said...

There's no deep throat in cycling!

Anonymous said...

Lantern Rouge...

David Pearce said...

I am sorry, I am SORRY! I have a message for this broken bones dude!

First, I second Rock Machine's succinct review:


Second, I say this directly to Mr. Broken Bones (and I'm a peaceful man), "Dude, I wish I could break every one of the cockamamie bones in your cockamamie body!! You use your child as a narrator? Make me barf, why don't you!!

I am not one to usually criticize lycra, but God Damn, that black skin suit is just not right!! Why don't you just try to be that naked German rock 'n' roll dude with the amazingly small dick??!! (Snobby's knows the video I mean).

The idiot is certifiable. He's got Munchhausen's Syndrome by Proxy, except it's not by proxy, it's just him with his Munchhausen's Syndrome and wearing his stupid sunglasses while making his "presentation"!! He loves his broken bones!! He shows us: he broke this, he broke that. He rides to break his bones, and then gets his jollies off of sharing his pain with the world.

babble on said...

I can't remember, it has been that loooooooong. But I do know that at the other end of the spectrum it is very important to get the angle right so that nobody gets hurt. Y'know... So that a good tine is had by all.

It matters whether it's a lefty or a righty.

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db said...

I thought all road bikes were gravel road bikes?" - Tom Ritchey

Anonymous said...

Lefty or Righty? Wait.........why are there TWO of them?

Otto the Orkin Man said...

Ms Broken Bones always hums the "I'm Otto the Orkin Man" jingle when she is sucking my nozzle.

Anonymous said...

"Lefty or Righty? Wait.........why are there TWO of them?"

It offsets if you "dress" to the left or to the right in your spandex shorts.

JLRB said...

So picture number 2, red bull cap duuude is holding a big bag of weed, for breakfast? Filmed on a Wednesday?

McFly said...

Geez that breakfast the Duder Bro's were smashing down on.....all that fruit and bran.....I believe we have found the Mystery Shit Ninja's.

JLRB said...

And on a fucked up note - I will avoid South Carolina until they stop with the hate flag

benDE said...

Late to the game so few will read this but can someone jump in and tell me when 'bike-touring' became 'bikepacking'? Is this just a re-brand for the demographic who believes solitude is better enjoyed as a group activity?

About the shitting: I once shit in the basement directly after a ride because it was totally necessary so I have a bit of sympathy. Needless to say, my wife was as equally impressed as Mr. Donnie of Oregon Outback fame.

JB said...

Isn't bikepacking just touring off-road?

Based on that link, it appears that Tom R. is a righty.

benDE said...

(On the basement floor) I shit on the basement floor. This is indeed an important detail . ..

Spokey said...

sorry folks

but there is altogether too much shit sharing going on here

i'm going back to lurking for the quisling.

Spokey said...

sorry folks

but there is altogether too much shit sharing going on here

i'm going back to lurking for the quisling.

lenny bruce said...

I pissed in the sink

leroy said...

My dog claims he doesn't understand the shit sharing problem.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother explaining over and over again.

It's like he's messing with me on purpose.

babble on said...

Heh heh... messing with you. :D

BenDE - please tell me that you shat on the floor, and not that you continue to shit on it. Cause otherwise yer wife has real cause for concern.

you've got to be shitting me said...

Dudes making doo-doos

benDE said...

Indeed, shat it is (was?).

Believe me Babble, even as a one-time event there was more than enough cause for concern.


JB said...

BenDE: you absolutely could not make it upstairs, or were the facilities unavailable for some reason?

BamaPhred said...

Its Friday, I'm being hounded over my expense voucher, and frankly my dear, I don't give a shit.

No Shit said...

Babble on is a virgin

benDE said...

JB, I used to be a bro. 'Nuff said.

McFly said...

The beginning of Slaying The Badger has the BEST shit story ever. It's the best Jerry....the best. LeMond shit's in a team mate's hat and then in the team RV on a stack of Hinault posters. I can't make this shit up.

You probably knew about this already. This is for the people who don't know shit about the pre-Lance era.

Anonymous said...

vsk said ...

Have a Cow etc.

"Til the Cows Come Home" has been a good, stalwart cliche.

But I'll tell you the story about the young cop.

Feeling cheeky, now and as then, I was making a left turn with the red CLK convertible, top down, glorious afternoon. Cop pulls me over for no seat belt. Went for the light first vs. fumbling with the belt whilst pulling out. Anyway, a righteous traffic bust.

I asked him are there points? Because if there are, I'll fight it til the cows come home. Now young Serpico was so young he was totally unaware of the idea that milk comes from cows, never mind there are farms with animals and they roam around, leave and sometimes never come home (unless they're in hideous stenchy milk factories).
He's like "what do you mean, cows come home". I meant to give him the Morgan Freeman and say "Well just stamp yo form sonny and stop wastin ma time". But I just said "It's an expression" and not received any kind of beat down.

NYS Seatbelt - fine and no points. Thanks, I'll take another please.

I guess people don't want to acknowledge cows and give them their due.


Anonymous said...

vsk said ...

There was a 'pre-Lance era"?

Didn't he win the first 10 Tours de Frances?

Oh wait, Cipo had a tour de Frances.


matt mccluskey said...

Bro-haim. I'm last.

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