This Just In: BSNYC Not Feeling Well!

In publishing this blog, I always make best efforts to spare readers from the tedium of my private affairs. However, this morning I found myself feeling quite unwell. I'm not sure from what malady I suffer, but whatever it is it appears to be uniquely tailored to prevent me from blogging. As the slogan for Johan Museeuw's flaxen bikes goes, "To Feel is to Believe," and you can believe me when I say I feel like crap:

Please be assured that I am not seeking sympathy; in fact, if you find me irritating I encourage you to revel in my misery. No, I merely wanted to let my readers know why I will not be fulfilling my blogular responsibilities in full today. After all, I've been maintaining this blog for quite awhile now (anywhere from one to three years, I am too feeble to count) and I like to think we've reached a point where I can dispense with the pretenses occasionally and be honest. I only hope that you will forgive me, as more than being ill it pains me to have to bore you with a post that is little more than an excuse. Also, my condition is putting a serious crimp in my training for the Monstertrack alleycat--especially the much-anticipated "Food Down" competition:


Yes, at the moment keeping food down is not my specialty.

Having said all that, I promise to return with regular, actual updates as soon as possible, or at least to keep you apprised of my condition (inasmuch as it relates to the "curation" of this blog). I also encourage you to read other blogs, such as the excellent "Cycling Inquisition." And in the meantime, I will take solace in some of the delightful items I've received from readers recently, such as these onomotapoeic knuckle tattoos:


(I assume the "pew pew" is meant to evoke a laser beam sound.)

Also, from commenter Ant1, I've learned of this new wooden bicycle, which indicates that "Woodway" is "Colorway 2.0:"

In my present condition I may need to think about whittling myself a wooden bike, since it's apparently acceptable to ride them in pajamas:

I will then affix to it a military surplus pannier, like this one spotted some time ago by a reader in Portland:

A city in which sandals and pant-cuff retention go together like wood bikes and pajamas, or like coffee and smugness:


Speaking of Portland, in no other city are Pistas sold more creatively:



$300 is quite a deal, since the Dutch bike I "autographed" for Recycle-A-Bicycle ultimately sold for a whopping (by "whopping" I mean "meager) $700--less, sadly, than the Matthew Modine and David Byrne bikes, but equal to the Jannette Sadik-Khan bike.

And with that, I leave you to focus on my recovery. May this handlebar tramp stamp steer me back to wellness.

--BSNYC/RTMS

BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz!

As cycling continues to grow in the United States, it's only natural that there should be some commensurate growing pains. Increasingly, these pains are coming in the form of either new legislation or increased enforcement of existing legislation. For example, as you're probably aware, there is a movement in Philadelphia to require cyclists to register their bicycles. Also, the flat brim cap-wearing world was recently shaken to its colorway-coordinated core when a Baltimore fixed-gear freestyler was cited for "fancy riding." So at a time when "the Man" seems to be clamping down on cycling like a ham-handed mechanic over-torquing a crabon seatpost, it's a relief to learn that at least one state is taking the opposite approach. Yes, trials riders and sodomy enthusiasts can now rejoice, for a reader informs me that seatless riding is finally legal in the Land of the Epic Burrito:

If, like me, you're wondering who you can thank (uh, I'm a trials rider, I swear!), the reader informs me that this is the work of the powerful ElliptiGo lobby:

The lesson, of course, is that one dork really can make a difference. Keep in mind, though, that the bike must technically have been built to be ridden without a seat, so if you're simply riding a bicycle with a saddle-less seatpost you might want to at least cover the clamp somehow to avoid getting a ticket (not to mention serious internal injuries).

And with that, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you're awesome, and if you're wrong you'll see a gentleman serenading his fixie.

Thanks for reading and for emailing some of the items of which this quiz consists. Ride safe this weekend, and even more importantly, use a saddle whenever possible.

Appreciatively,

--BSNYC/RTMS

(So, so sexy.)

1) Cockles are hermaphroditic.

--True

--False

(So, so sexy.)

2) "Motion capture trimmings, laser beams, multi angle stop motion video"--all just part of:

--Check-in at Newark International Airport
--Making the movie "Avatar"
--Filming your fixed-gear freestyle session
--Buying a Serotta

3) When getting a tattoo you should always:

--Be sober

--Shave your knuckles
--Wear a helmet

--All of the above

4) What's the best part of using tubular tires for cyclocross?

--The light weight
--The superior traction
--The ability to "run" lower pressures without pinch-flatting
--Obsessing over the proper removal and storage of them once the season is over

5) At which British retailer is this £30,000 (or US$950,000,000) bicycle for sale?

--Condor Cycles

--Marks & Spencer
--Harrods
--Tesco

6) In a rare Craigslist vintage price inversion, this Cinelli hairnet is for sale for only $20. "Hairnets" are also called:

--"Fixie helmets"

--"Noggin bumpers"
--"Cockle blockers"

--"Flemish sideburn holders"






7) In the Craigslist universe, what is the name for the object above?

--Cockles
--Cogs
--Coggies
--Coggles

8) The rest of this photo is unsafe for work.

--True

--False

***Special "Fixie Crew"-Themed Many Multiples of Choice "Epic"-Length Bonus Question***

Which word did not appear capriciously on the screen in "Pizza Fixation?"

--Riding

--Exploring
--Seeing
--Breathing
--Feeling
--Being
--Shopping
--Preparing
--Cooking
--Sharing
--Experiencing
--Enjoying
--Living

--Growing
--Finding

Swallowing Pride: Changing Your Approach

Further to yesterday's post, there was an outpouring of disdain for the "Pizza Fixation" installment of the new "Pedaling" webular video series. While some might take this to mean that prospects for the follow-up episode (I believe it will be called "Fixies and Frankfurters") are bleak, I prefer to be optimistic. The truth is, some of our most cherished television shows started out with little promise. The first episode of "The Simpsons" was little more than some crudely drawn characters grumbling at each other; the pilot episode of what would eventually become "Seinfeld" simply featured a WASPy guy named Chet alone in a New York City apartment; and the "Harry and the Hendersons" TV series never really picked up steam until it was tweaked and retitled "The Sopranos" nearly a decade later.

Similarly, "Pedaling" may find its legs eventually, though it might require some retooling. I think it would be far more interesting if, instead of seeking out fancy foods, the focus was on the search for public restrooms. Even in post-Whole Foodsification New York City the population is still extremely diverse. Any idiot with a Yelp "app" and $9 can find a great meal in about three minutes, since pretty much every block here is full of people willing to either prepare you a meal of regional exotica for the price of a bucket of chicken at KFC, or else sell you the raw materials to cook it yourself. Public restrooms on the other hand are far more elusive and require much more savvy to locate. I would suggest to the producers that in future they open right up with the eating and then spend the rest of the episode following the principals as they attempt to locate a bathroom before their digestive systems get the better of them and abdominal distress sets in. Instead of Whole Foods, they could co-brand it with Starbucks, which is of course New York City's de facto public toilet.

In any case, if some of us are dismayed by the poor quality of cycling-themed filmmaking, we have only ourselves to blame. It turns out that "legitimate" filmmakers are literally frightened to approach the subject, since according to a recent New York Times article forwarded to me by a number of readers we're frightening them away at knifepoint. Here's Academy Award-obtaining director Oliver Stone recounting his harrowing encounter with a New York City cyclist:

I'm not sure I believe this actually happened, but if it did I implore all cyclists to sheathe their blades and stop their salmoning ways immediately. Tragically, the rogue Stone encountered may very well have deprived us of the cycling equivalent of "Wall Street"--though one could just as easily argue that this makes the rogue a hero.

Either way, some people feel that cycling already has its own Gordon Gekko in the form of Lance Armstrong, and they have gotten carried away with the notion of him as some sort of nefarious cycling supervillain. Frankly, I don't see it--there's just nothing that villainous about professional bike racers. In the spectrum of evil they rank somewhere between gymnasts and tailors. However, this is not to say Armstrong is not capable of scheming. For example, here he is covered with yarn in a transparent attempt to seduce Raggedy Ann:

Clearly, Armstrong has moved into the "absurd" phase of his preparation for the 2010 Tour de France under the supervision of former Garmin physiologist Dr. Allen Lim. Incidentally, Lim's move to Armstrong's team was also regarded by some as villainous, though if going to work for Radio Shack counts as villainy then there are a lot of high school equivalency graduates out there selling headphones in shopping malls who should be behind bars.

As you may already know, the program Lim is "curating" for Tour dominance seems to hinge on Armstrong constantly swallowing tiny thermometers. Apparently, swallowing measuring devices is the next big thing in professional cycling and has already resulted in an arms race of sorts--Alberto Contador has reportedly been swallowing barometers, and Andy Schleck was recently hospitalized after ingesting a 25-foot Stanley PowerLock tape measure. As I understand it (which is poorly), the thermometer thing is about figuring out how to keep the athlete cool, and, like everything else the pros do, thermal regulation will eventually make its way down to the Cat. 4 field. If you're a lower-category racer, expect to line up next to somebody with a fan hat, a Popsicle suppository, and a CVS thermometer making its way through his intestines this coming season.

In addition to making his riders swallow things, Dr. Lim also likes to choose their food--though unlike the "fixie crew" he prefers outdoor markets to Whole Foods:

Bradley Wiggins's desperation to find a restroom at the end of the Verbier stage after swallowing an entire red pepper could indeed be what led to his unexpectedly high finish in last year's Tour.

Given the efficacy of swallowing things whole, one wonders if the Cervelo Test Team will change its approach this year. As of last year, a reader informs me they were still going with the somewhat more New-Agey "body self development system therapist" (see "Tour de France part 4" at the bottom of the page):

From what I can tell, his method is to get riders in touch with their emotions through the ancient practice of groinal massage:

(Carlos Sastre pretending this isn't happening.)

Finally, if you still haven't gotten the taste of the "fixie crew's" exploits out of your mouth, you can go visit someone called the "Hungry Cyclist." Instead of riding his fixie to Whole Foods for kombucha, he seems to prefer killing wild boars:

That will fill out your messenger bag nicely.

Warming the Cockles: Living, Breathing, Shopping

Since the invention of moving pictures, only pornographers and the Nazis have documented their endeavors on camera more assiduously than the "bike culture," for whom no bike-related exploit is too mundane to commit to video. If you're wondering why this is, the New York Times says that it is because "street scenes can open up in flashes between stopped cars, creating a kind of stuttered approximation of film:"

What that has to do with slow-motion videos of barspinzzz and wheelies I don't know, but the project referenced in the article is "Empire," a long-awaited film featuring such fixed-gear luminaries as Prolly. "Empire" has been in production nearly as long as "Avatar," and so great is the anticipation that the "bike culture" media is even covering what goes on behind the scenes of this ambitious production:

The only thing more exciting than watching people ride fixed-gear bicycles is watching people edit videos of people riding fixed-gear bicycles, and here is Luke Stiles doing just that. I'm disappointed that nobody has ever asked to photograph me as I blog, since it looks pretty much the same except my computer's much crappier, I take my temperature compulsively, and I don't wear a COC t-shirt. (Sadly, mine disintegrated completely sometime in the late 1980s.) I wonder if Stiles also works pantslessly like I do.

While I'm not exactly the target audience for "Empire," I wish the filmmakers nothing but the best. Really, my only reservation is that projects like this embolden other would-be filmmakers whose connection to the subject matter is more tenuous and contrived. Even though I'm not interested in watching people do tricks on fixed-gears or ride slightly closer to buses than is advisable (apart from the unintentional comic factor of course), I'll certainly acknowledge that these are people who know each-other and ride together in real life. In that sense at least the "scene" is genuine. No, the real trouble starts when you have to troll for riders on Craigslist, as in this posting which was forwarded to me by a reader:

Do you have tattoos & ride a bike with no brakes? (NYC)
Date: 2010-01-04, 1:07PM EST
Reply to: [deleted]

Casting office casting LEAD role in short film that will shoot January 2010. Exact Dates TBD.

Description: Seeking Female, 25 years old. ALL ETHNICITIES. Piercings and tattoos a plus. An INTENSE woman. MUST ride a FIXED GEAR BIKE. This type of bike is a bike WITHOUT BRAKES.

How to Submit:
Please email [deleted]@gmail.com a recent photo, a description about yourself & your experience riding a fixed gear bike.

If you don't know any intense women with experience riding a fixed-gear bike then perhaps you shouldn't be making a film about intense women who ride fixed-gear bikes. While the "Empire" crew may be a bit self-interested, at least they didn't have to go trolling on Craigslist for people with an excessive interest in color coordination and hats.

Another contrived form is the promotional video disguised as a cycling video. A few weeks ago I mentioned a "collabo" among Specialized, Capo Forma, and Whole Foods called "Pedaling," and the first "webisode" has finally "dropped." It's called "Pizza Fixation." The score features the sort of music you would be forced to endure in a trendy clothing boutique, and here are the protagonists cycling across the Williamsburg Bridge as random verbs are flashed across the screen:

This, apparently, is the "fixie crew," and they're breathing, feeling, and being their way to Brooklyn:


But not before they go to Whole Foods in Manhattan for a bunch of pizza toppings:

There are many different ways to enjoy cycling with friends. Some riders like to meet early in the morning and ride their road bikes for five hours. Others prefer to hoist their mountain bikes from their roof racks and take to the trails. Still others like to do tricks under elevated expressways on fixed-gear BMX/29er hybrids. The "fixie crew" are a bit more genteel--they like to "hit up" the Whole Foods for Brussel sprouts, duck eggs, and cockles:

I should at this point confess that I have only moderate interest in food beyond sustenance. Sure, some things taste better to me than others, but for the most part I'm content to consume more or less the same foods every day, as more than anything else I prize regularity. For this reason many of the comestibles the "fixie crew" gathered were unfamiliar to me. To be perfectly honest, I'm not even sure I knew that ducks laid eggs--I thought they reproduced via mitosis, like elephants. However, one thing I am sure of is that I've never, ever heard anybody say the phrase, "Let's get some kombucha, it may be good for the ride:"

And I've ridden with people from Rapha.

Anyway, fortified with kombucha, the "fixie crew" heads to the register with what must be at least $600 worth of food:

I know this because I once made the mistake of purchasing lunch at a Whole Foods and was horrified when a moderate helping of some sort of Indian dish (even I occasionally flirt with irregularity) cost me four times what it would have cost me at a nearby Indian restaurant. Consequently, I vowed never to return. Fueling your ride with food from Whole Foods is about as cost-effective as fueling your car by spraying premium gasoline in the vicinity of the tank until enough finally trickles in to fill it. Presumably, though, the sponsors are footing the bill, and so the cockle-laden "fixie crew" heads back to their bikes for some riding:

And exploring:

And living:

Besides riding, exploring, and living, I noticed at this point that the guy on the red bike is also coasting, and I wondered how he managed to gain membership in the "fixie crew." I was soon distracted, though, by the NYC DOT's creative spelling of the word "visible:"

Fortunately, the members of the "fixie crew" do manage to stay visible, and they also survive the running of the Hasidic gauntlet along the Great Hipster Silk Route:

Notice the young Hasidic child looking longingly at the rider, knowing that he will never experience the thrill of riding, exploring, and living with a messenger bag full of shellfish. By the way, in case you were worried, the "fixie crew" is still breathing:

Finally, they arrive at their destination:

Where they rendezvous with a guy in one of those wedge-shaped hats:

And begin to make pizza:


The guy in the hat is particularly pleased by the cockles:


Eventually, he produces one tiny pizza with about $75 worth of toppings on it:


Which they are forced to share among four people:

It's a good thing they were riding so slowly, since they couldn't possibly have worked up much of an appetite.

Finally, having "killed" the tiny pizza, they ride off into the "wilds" of gentrified Brooklyn. For some reason, the filmmakers stop flashing verbs across the screen just when they would be most relevant:

I'm looking forward to future installments. Hopefully the next "webisode" will chronicle the "fixie crew's" quest for the elusive $250 hot dog. In the meantime, Specialized have certainly proven that the Globe Roll is indeed the perfect bike with which to "slay" an overpriced food run. If you've got a cockle-shaped hole in your stable or have been thinking about getting a dedicated duck egg bike, it might very well be the bike for you.

Buy it if: You need cockles.

Don't buy it if: You think "duck egg" is a warning and a "kombucha" is an NJS keirin frame.