Thursday, January 7, 2010

Swallowing Pride: Changing Your Approach

Further to yesterday's post, there was an outpouring of disdain for the "Pizza Fixation" installment of the new "Pedaling" webular video series. While some might take this to mean that prospects for the follow-up episode (I believe it will be called "Fixies and Frankfurters") are bleak, I prefer to be optimistic. The truth is, some of our most cherished television shows started out with little promise. The first episode of "The Simpsons" was little more than some crudely drawn characters grumbling at each other; the pilot episode of what would eventually become "Seinfeld" simply featured a WASPy guy named Chet alone in a New York City apartment; and the "Harry and the Hendersons" TV series never really picked up steam until it was tweaked and retitled "The Sopranos" nearly a decade later.

Similarly, "Pedaling" may find its legs eventually, though it might require some retooling. I think it would be far more interesting if, instead of seeking out fancy foods, the focus was on the search for public restrooms. Even in post-Whole Foodsification New York City the population is still extremely diverse. Any idiot with a Yelp "app" and $9 can find a great meal in about three minutes, since pretty much every block here is full of people willing to either prepare you a meal of regional exotica for the price of a bucket of chicken at KFC, or else sell you the raw materials to cook it yourself. Public restrooms on the other hand are far more elusive and require much more savvy to locate. I would suggest to the producers that in future they open right up with the eating and then spend the rest of the episode following the principals as they attempt to locate a bathroom before their digestive systems get the better of them and abdominal distress sets in. Instead of Whole Foods, they could co-brand it with Starbucks, which is of course New York City's de facto public toilet.


In any case, if some of us are dismayed by the poor quality of cycling-themed filmmaking, we have only ourselves to blame. It turns out that "legitimate" filmmakers are literally frightened to approach the subject, since according to a recent New York Times article forwarded to me by a number of readers we're frightening them away at knifepoint. Here's Academy Award-obtaining director Oliver Stone recounting his harrowing encounter with a New York City cyclist:

I'm not sure I believe this actually happened, but if it did I implore all cyclists to sheathe their blades and stop their salmoning ways immediately. Tragically, the rogue Stone encountered may very well have deprived us of the cycling equivalent of "Wall Street"--though one could just as easily argue that this makes the rogue a hero.

Either way, some people feel that cycling already has its own Gordon Gekko in the form of Lance Armstrong, and they have gotten carried away with the notion of him as some sort of nefarious cycling supervillain. Frankly, I don't see it--there's just nothing that villainous about professional bike racers. In the spectrum of evil they rank somewhere between gymnasts and tailors. However, this is not to say Armstrong is not capable of scheming. For example, here he is covered with yarn in a transparent attempt to seduce Raggedy Ann:

Clearly, Armstrong has moved into the "absurd" phase of his preparation for the 2010 Tour de France under the supervision of former Garmin physiologist Dr. Allen Lim. Incidentally, Lim's move to Armstrong's team was also regarded by some as villainous, though if going to work for Radio Shack counts as villainy then there are a lot of high school equivalency graduates out there selling headphones in shopping malls who should be behind bars.

As you may already know, the program Lim is "curating" for Tour dominance seems to hinge on Armstrong constantly swallowing tiny thermometers. Apparently, swallowing measuring devices is the next big thing in professional cycling and has already resulted in an arms race of sorts--Alberto Contador has reportedly been swallowing barometers, and Andy Schleck was recently hospitalized after ingesting a 25-foot Stanley PowerLock tape measure. As I understand it (which is poorly), the thermometer thing is about figuring out how to keep the athlete cool, and, like everything else the pros do, thermal regulation will eventually make its way down to the Cat. 4 field. If you're a lower-category racer, expect to line up next to somebody with a fan hat, a Popsicle suppository, and a CVS thermometer making its way through his intestines this coming season.

In addition to making his riders swallow things, Dr. Lim also likes to choose their food--though unlike the "fixie crew" he prefers outdoor markets to Whole Foods:

Bradley Wiggins's desperation to find a restroom at the end of the Verbier stage after swallowing an entire red pepper could indeed be what led to his unexpectedly high finish in last year's Tour.

Given the efficacy of swallowing things whole, one wonders if the Cervelo Test Team will change its approach this year. As of last year, a reader informs me they were still going with the somewhat more New-Agey "body self development system therapist" (see "Tour de France part 4" at the bottom of the page):

From what I can tell, his method is to get riders in touch with their emotions through the ancient practice of groinal massage:

(Carlos Sastre pretending this isn't happening.)

Finally, if you still haven't gotten the taste of the "fixie crew's" exploits out of your mouth, you can go visit someone called the "Hungry Cyclist." Instead of riding his fixie to Whole Foods for kombucha, he seems to prefer killing wild boars:

That will fill out your messenger bag nicely.

107 comments:

Bad Lawyer said...

podium

Anonymous said...

this is where I belong

Wagner said...

boonen

rezado said...

hi-rez

Wagner said...

eddie merckx worlds 1975

Anonymous said...

Tasty!

ken e. said...

hesitation equals 11th!

Strayhorn said...

Wow, Bengt Valentino has a wide stance in that massage photo.

Not that there's anything wrong with that . . .

Spatch said...

Sudden surge

Blaiser said...

First time poster. Top 20?

Bad Lawyer said...

"In the spectrum of evil [professional cyclists] rank somewhere between gymnasts and tailors." Bravo!

Great pic of Little Orphan Anni, er, Lance! In his skater boi look, no less!

Anonymous said...

Snob

You've taken the "ow" out of swallowing. Well done!

Bad Lawyer said...

Did you see the story, and pic of the Bad Sword Swallower, you can check my blawg--or, copy and paste-->http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1240983/Sword-swallower-trapped-trance-hours-accidentally-hypnotising-HIMSELF-mirror.html

Check the wife!

kale said...

Swalling?

FIXY CREW

Rick Donkey said...

Zero watts gained after drinking a jug of kombucha...I even ate the mother.

Norman said...

Dead pig makes me hungry, & though I doubt a 1600lb wild boar would fit in my bag, I am man enough to try.

ConArtist said...

I doubt the credibility of the writer accusing the lunatic bicyclist diatribe. He was probably hallucinating on some of those remaining mushrooms from the "Natural Born Killer" days. Just a thought...

mikeweb said...

Bad Lawyer is good barrister today

Anonymous said...

how ironic.
olly stone and a nyc biker in a throw-down.
both are probably OBO voters.

kale said...

FYI-

Taxi drivers have one of the worst jobs in 2010. That means massive street cred for those paying attention. And I'm sure that they would stab Oliver Stone if they weren't too busy working a phone bank at the same time.

Dave said...

I once shot a boar from the saddle of my bike while riding in the Giro. I was trying to invent a new sport - summer biathalon. Try it sometime. Them's good eatin'.

Just don't shoot Andy Hampsten by accident.

mikeweb said...

Snobbie,

If Pedaling does go with the 'Going' plot-line you propose, they should hire you as a 'special consultant'.

Your post about perusing "Comeback 2.0" in the Brooklyn Library facilities should easily put your resume over the top.

Anonymous said...

A unicycle lane? Do you know how dangerous people who ride those things are? I was hit with a bowling pin and had my wallet stolen. I would have had to jog to catch up to that guy.

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Anonymous said...

Not sure I agree that the future of cycling themed movies is so bleak. In fact I have a great idea for a bike flick. A wallstreeter loses his cushy well paying job and in a state of disillusionment he decides to become a bike messenger! It can't miss.

kfg said...

"I once shot a boar from the saddle of my bike while riding in the Giro."

What a boar was doing riding my bike in the Giro I'll never know.

Cranky Mule said...

New Series "Gotta Go NYC"

ant1 said...

snob - "Apparently, swalling measuring devices..."

Jefe said...

Oliver Stone is in production with a cycling-conspiracy movie. A crusading district attorney investigates whether there was a hipster on a fixie behind the grassy knoll in Dallas.

Rick Donkey said...

Dr. Lim curates a squeeze bottle of hand sanitizer on his escarole-filled backpack. OCD is his bitch.

wishiwasmerckx said...

I read today about the upscaling of the lowly bowling alley in Brooklyn. Apparently, bowling now involves a DJ, a doorman and a velvet rope. I hope that we do not lose our beloved Snob to a different sport altogether, but just in case, I co-opted the domain name BowlingSnobNYC.blogspot.com.

Anonymous said...

Finally watched that video...
They spent a great deal of money on "fixins'" for one small slice of pizza and a beer ... that seems pretentious. uh .... no thanks.

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

Stercus accidit.

-P.P.

Test Tickle said...

WILD BOAR

pretty obvious, i know.

balls.

hillbilly said...

bad lawyer with a good finish!

Daddo said...

""Seinfeld" simply featured a WASPy guy named Chet alone in a New York City apartment; and the "Harry and the Hendersons" TV series never really picked up steam until it was tweaked and retitled "The Sopranos" nearly a decade later."

hahahahahahahahHAHAHAHAHAHHAMWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Anonymous said...

I lol'd at:

"(Carlos Sastre pretending this isn't happening.)"

Casey Kasem said...

Top 40!

Anonymous said...

"(Carlos Sastre pretending this isn't happening.)"

Gold.

grog said...

Popsicle suppository?
What flavor?

Dave said...

Because Snobbie did not mention it. The Simpsons 450th (450!!!)episode airs this Sunday. If only Harry and the Hendersons could have lasted that long.

Joe said...

"Tragically, the rogue Stone encountered may very well have deprived us of the cycling equivalent of "Wall Street" - don't we already have the cycling equivalent of "Wall Street" in "QuickSilver".

Bad Lawyer said...

Grog asks "Popsicle suppository?
What flavor?"

Cream Cheese.

Coastiedouche said...

Speaking of cycling movies..lest you forget the film Quicksilver starring Kevin Bacon from over 20 years ago? Kevin is the pre Jared Leto for introducing the Fixie movement to the lameasses Six degrees of seperation, fixie douches! Keep the Roadie pro satire coming BSNYC..ripe for the pickin.

Coastiedouche said...

Bad Lawyer. Chocolate ROCKY ROAD.

The Dead Acorn said...

I hope the fixie show doesn't get retooled. The current cast is perfect.

Anonymous said...

That Raggedy Ann look is taking the nation by storm. Take a look here and see it in action on the West Coast: http://tinyurl.com/ybucorh

I figger Lance is just checking the computational fluid dynamics calculations over his helmet.

Anonymous said...

actually, I think Carlos Sastre is thinking "I hope it does'nt move".

rural 14 said...

ant 2nd!

have you seen my boar?

W. Weed said...

So where's all the pussy?

Anonymous Coward said...

@W. Weed

Where you left it. At Balls' house.

g said...

dave,
Should have gone with Greg LeMond, in my opinion.

Anonymous said...

I once shot a wild boar while riding on rollers in my laundry room.

sufferist said...

I once shot a load in the laundry room, but that's a different story all together.

Anonymous said...

I once shot a load on a boar, but that was another story.

Critical Ass said...

Cutting a red light in Ft. Collins gets you a $35 ticket. A bag of weed gets you a $100 ticket if they even bother to write it.

Crackdown on Bad Cyclists

Gotta love the low cost of lving out West

Anonymous said...

so the plot of an iphone app for finding good public toilets in NYC is lifted straight from this last season of Curb Your Enthusiasm (or Seinfeld 2.0)

Stupid Name said...

The question is, who will step up and fund the public restroom app, or video adventure.
Will Whole Foods, or bike nyc help out?

sufferist said...

Anon 4:56: Are you accusing Snobby of having a TV?

Anonymous said...

Wow, by Mr. Trumps account, sounds like all you out there in NYC really have a guardrail problem. My condolences.

Kapitan said...

Yeah, Bengt's stance looks a bit odd. But, he hasn't got his proper therapy bench - just a low table with some padding. The alternative would be to bend over, which would soon strain his lower back. Bengt needs to talk with the manager, and get a portable bench in the team bus.

TRB said...

WARNING! The Non-Bike Douche Bag Factor (NBDBF) is sky high tonight! I had to dodge more Brooklyn Bridge DB Tourists (BBDBT) than ever before, plus more than the usual U-Turn DB's (UTDB) on w72nd Street, Delivery Van DB's (DVDB) on the east side and then Out-of-Town SUV DB's (OOTSUVDB) in Queens. Amazingly enough, and perhaps tellingly, there were no Bike Douche Bags (BDB) out there tonight; not a single fixie to pass and not one Cervelo seen in Central Park! Things are that far out of wack. It wasn't until I got back to beloved Greenpoint, home of the fixie Buy-a-thon, that the two Douche Bag factors seemed to balance out a little.

TRB said...

Oh, and ride safe!

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 4:56pm,

I made no mention anywhere of an iPhone "app" for finding public toilets.

By the way, my favorite thing in "Seinfeld 2.0" was Danny Duberstein. "Danny Duberstein is good at two things: that's math, and fucking."

--BSNYC

CommieCanuck said...

here he is covered with yarn in a transparent attempt to seduce Raggedy Ann

Actually, that's a prototype of the new line of Leapin' Levi Leipheimer's hairpieces.

Coastiedouche said...

Carlos Sastre....Cold icy water...Cold icy water..Baseball...Grandma playing baseball in freezing rain.Must.not. think. about. Massage.

MADDOFFF!!

Anonymous said...

KOMB UCHA

BUKK AKKI

BOAR LOAD

DONT MOVE

STRE WOOD

CommieCanuck said...

"I made no mention anywhere of an iPhone "app" for finding public toilets. "

You should have, it would be the first real practical use of an iPhone, unlike those stupid "enhanced reality" apps that tell you what you stepped in when you upload a pic of your shoe.

It could use GPS to point you in the direction of the highest rated toilet, or massage parlor.

CommieCanuck said...

I once shot my laundry while riding a wild boar on rollers.

d. fofonov said...

With all the douche bags in America I am thinking
that feminine hygiene there is very good. No one with right mind is eating Kazakh pussy.

kerry said...

I dont reacall having a prob in NYC finding toilets. But then again, I couldnt afford anything to drink.

Its gotten so hot here in Oz that those popsicle suppositories are starting to sound like a good idea. Bike trip tommorrow, about 41o here. Sign me up for a gross..(ewwwww)
But, being a roadie I want them in low calorie...

kerry said...

I dont reacall having a prob in NYC finding toilets. But then again, I couldnt afford anything to drink.

Its gotten so hot here in Oz that those popsicle suppositories are starting to sound like a good idea. Bike trip tommorrow, about 41o here. Sign me up for a gross..(ewwwww)
But, being a roadie I want them in low calorie...

Flushing, NY Public Toilets said...

I use the toilet in Whole Foods.
The 365 house brand soda isn't very expensive for a replacement fluid.

Anonymous said...

Safe2Pee
Do they hire field-checkers?

Astro said...

Can you help me with this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VhZDiG7ye0

I feel somewhat unequipped.

At least sprouts are not on the menu.

campbell fdy said...

had forgotten about that 30 seconds to wtf?. noone is equipped for this stranger-a-thon except maybe the half dozen "people" listed under
'PA lamppost' That pony-tailed guitarist really knew hoe to stamp his feet for emphasis. it was intense

leroy said...

If you think finding a public restroom in NYC is tough, try explaining to your rabbi that you didn't know the baked apple you ordered came with a boar's head.

spastic numchuck said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
spastic numchuck said...

Dr Lim's next very calculated move is to put him in a plaid cycling kilt to mess with the argyle armanda and embarrass the shit out of armstrong leading to the opening of a can of woop ass.

Keep in mind that there has been no hazing involved.

wishiwasmerckx said...

I don't know NYC all that well, but I heard that the toilets work better in Flushing Meadows than in Manhattan.

Anonymous said...

I finally watched "Pizza Fixation" Do people on the East Coast really sound like that? Jeeze, that must be annoying.

Anonymous said...

Toilet app NYC. You really need to hire a lawyer and patent this. I plan a conversation with our corporate lawyer here in silly valley: iCrap.

ringcycles said...

so the key to being PRO in 2010 is facial flacidness AND inner core coolness. Great, now Cat. 2's will be lining up for lessons from the Nathan's Famous World Champion on ice cube swallowing technique.

Anonymous said...

Maybe the app can be used to track which cocksucker pissed all over the goddamn seat.

CommieCanuck said...

Toilet app NYC. You really need to hire a lawyer and patent this. I plan a conversation with our corporate lawyer here in silly valley: iCrap.

My lawyers will be in touch with your lawyers.

Actually, this never came to market after that famous Steve Jobs quote, "...people don't shit anymore".

Honestly, American public toilets could be so much better if people actually used then for defecation and urination instead to "resting". The next time you are in a 'Restroom', try taking a crap, it's very European.

sufferist said...

CC:Lawyers touching lawyers, that's cool...they need eachother ITTET. Thanks for facilitating.

bikramyoganj said...

yes

Anonymous said...

Actually, only a Canadian would try resting in a public toilet.

Anonymous said...

Sastre pretending this isnt happening, that guy didn't have his legs so far apart, and that dude isn't giggling that entire time.

DCheney said...

If we'd just send the homeless off to Gitmo, public restrooms would flourish for all good working americans.

lol said...

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lol said...

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lol said...

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lol said...

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lol said...

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lol said...

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