Old Whine, New Bottle: Embracing Mediocrity

Recently I was thumbing through a cycling magazine during my morning visit to that last bastion of print media when I happened upon the following ad:

"Introducing the racing bottle for the 21st century. The revolutionary Podium(tm) Bottle combines the innovative self-sealing Jet Valve and a high flow rate in a squeezable bike bottle. With the Podium, drinking is effortless; no more "bite to open, hip-slap to shut." The Podium's proprietary TruTaste(tm) material eliminates plastic aftertaste. And embedded anti-microbial technology ensures your bottle will stay clean and fresh. Own a bottle as advanced as the rest of your gear."

I'm a huge fan of both the raise-your-hopes-quickly-then-dash-them approach (as in: "You're pretty smart--for a complete idiot;" or "You're a pretty good bike handler--for a triathlete") as well as the advertisement that insults you and the products you're currently using. I'm also all too aware of the shortcomings of my current bottles. Indeed, the "bite to open, hip-slap to shut" approach has taken its toll on my weary carcass over the years--my incisors now protrude from my mouth like a rodent's and my hip is so brusied and pockmarked that I can barely walk. Yet before I saw this advertisement it had never occurred to me that there might be an alternative. "That's just the way it is," I'd think to myself resignedly as I flossed my unsightly beaver teeth and thumbed through medical supply catalogs looking for artificial hips. (Sure, I could wear a hydration pack, but ever since my tragic beer-funneling incident I've had a terrible fear of drinking from tubes.) So needless to say I was thrilled to discover this product. CamelBak have not only succeeded in reinventing the lowly bidon, but they've also managed to rename various parts of it ("Jet Valve" and "TruTaste(tm)") in tremendously exciting ways. Even more exciting, it's also the official bottle of the Saunier Duval team, who were one of the top teams in professional road racing until yesterday morning. All CamelBak forgot here was a homing device, so that the riders who jettison their bottles pro-style on the last lap in the local Cat 4 races can find them again afterwards. Despite this ommision, I think I may actually be ready to accept their challenge and "Step up to the podium." (That's another good advertising tactic, by the way--dare the buyer to use your product. Much more effective than some creepy copy about the bottle nurturing you like a mother's teat or something and the Jet Valve beckoning your lips like an expectant nipple, which you'd probably get if this were made by an Italian company.)

Speaking of Saunier Duval, I've already gotten over any disappointment I may have felt about their leaving the Tour. Doping in bike racing is simply the gift that keeps on giving, in that you not only get the excitement of watching the finish, but you also get the additional excitement of a revised podium a few days later. How many other sports give you double the number of winners for your money? Also, I'm happy as long as Dmitry Fofonov stays in the race. It's important in any Grand Tour to have at least one rider whose name sounds like a suggestive verb when it's mentioned by Phil Liggett. To me his name sounds like something a parent might accuse an adolescent of doing if he's been in the bathroom too long. "Are you Fofonov in there?" [Sound of zippers and rustling clothing.] "Uh, no. Leave me alone!" Most importantly, I'm one hundred percent convinced that the "biological passport" will eradicate doping from the peloton once and for all. Of course, I'm not sure what a "biological passport" is, but if I understand correctly it's basically just a wadded-up used Kleenex. (The kid Fofonov in the bathroom probably has a bunch of "biological passports" under his bed.)

Despite the fact we're still in the middle of the Tour, the fact is that road racing season's basically over anyway. The astute rider has already written it off and begun focussing his or her attention on cyclocross. The key to a successful racing season is to always live a minimum of four months in the future, mentally-speaking. That way you can dismiss your poor performances as simple preparation. Sure, you may not get anywhere near the front of the pack in a road race this summer, but you're just trying to get some intense mileage in so you'll be ready for cyclocross season. Poor mountain bike racing is even easier to rationalize--you're just doing that to improve your bike-handling. And of course once 'cross season does begin, you're still under no pressure to get results because, really, you're just doing it to maintain your form during the off-season. With the right attitude, you can surf an entire year of racing like a great big wave of mediocrity. Winning is for dopers and sandbaggers.

Of course, as a lousy bike racer and an involuntary New Yorker I've grown accustomed to mediocrity. Forbes Traveler recently announced the top ten most bike-friendly cities in North America, and New York City only managed eighth place. (At least we beat Minneapolis and Chicago.) No prizes for guessing which city came in first, but if you still need a hint here are three: it's wet, it's in the Pacific Northwest, and it's not Seattle. Sure, they may have been a shoe-in (or, more accurately, a sandal-in) for victory, but I still would have liked to see a dark horse nip them at the line. The last thing their bike community needs is more ego-stroking. And perhaps one day, New York will know what it's like to occupy a podium spot. Until that day comes, though, I will expect mediocrity from everything except my water bottles.

Digging Deep: Turning a Positive Into a Positive

Like many of you, I was deeply troubled by Riccardo Ricco's positive test result. But unlike the rest of the cycling media, instead of sitting back and waiting for answers from the team and from the Tour organizers I've taken it upon myself to launch an independent investigation into the affair. My sincere hope is that by understanding what has happened we can put the Cobra Clutch on doping. And I'm pleased to report that in less than 24 hours I've uncovered some vital information.

Firstly, no criminal acts alone, and in this case it seems Ricco may have had help from his bike supplier. As one commenter already pointed out, Ricco rides a Scott Addict Ltd. Just like a human addict, the Scott Addict is scary-light and will also suck the money right out of your wallet, and Scott even has the audacity to acknowledge on its own website that the Addict is "the lightest road frame in the world." This of course means that every other frame in the peloton is heavier, which would give Ricco an unfair and unethical advantage. Furthermore, the Addict is riddled with stuff like "IMP" and "CR1." Scott are keeping mum as to exactly what IMP is, saying only that it's a "top secret process." My guess is it's simply a newer version of CR1, and as such is the CERA to CR1's EPO. And if all this weren't enough, Ricco's bike even has a picture of a cobra on it. Come on--it might as well have a jet engine attached to the chainstay! They didn't even try to cover it. This is unfair and simply has to stop. We can no longer have a peloton riding at two speeds. I say either everybody gets cobras on their bikes, or nobody does.

Even Daniella Levi, whom Ricco is fictionally rumored by me to have engaged in his defense, seems to have been in some drug-related trouble of her own.

Indeed, an incredibly astute reader has unearthed this shocking 1993 New York Times article and brought it to my attention:

Sure, I'd expect this sort of thing from a professional bike rider, but if we can't look to a personal injury lawyer as a paradigm of virtue and propriety then what hope is there?

Finally, most troubling of all is this YouTube video, which someone posted in the comments today over at NYVelocity:

I'm not sure how relevant this is to the Ricco situation in particular, nor do I understand any of the lyrics, but it's troubling nonetheless.

Fortunately, there is hope. While professional cycling may be a rolling chemistry lab, it seems that bicycles can be used to combat drug use as well:

Yes, according to today's Times, Seattle is getting rid of its automated toilets, which have become havens for drug use and prostitution, and it appears from this picture that cops on bicycles have been employed to aid in the cleanup. If you're wondering just how bad these toilets have become, this should give you some idea:

“I’m not going to lie: I used to smoke crack in there,” said one homeless woman, Veronyka Cordner, nodding toward the toilet behind Pike Place Market. “But I won’t even go inside that thing now. It’s disgusting.”

Yes, I think it's safe to say that when a bathroom is no longer fit to smoke crack in that it's time to get rid of it, and I'm just glad that bikes are helping. Also, according to the article the city has put the restrooms on eBay, with starting bids of $89,000 apiece. Maybe Ricco should buy one. It seems like a perfect place to inject his CERA while he prepares to dominate next year's Etape.

This Just In: Tour de France Riders Find Drugs Helpful

Like many of you I awoke to the news that Saunier Duval rider, Tour de France sensation, and Giro d'Italia first loser Riccardo "The Cobra" Ricco has failed a drug test.  (Actually, I awoke to the sound of drag racing--best $22.95 I ever spent--but found out about the Ricco thing shortly thereafter.)  The test showed he was taking erythropoietin, but it was CERA and not EPO.  If I understand it correctly (which I'm sure I don't), EPO is like regular Coke and CERA is like Diet Pepsi Max.  While this is certainly disappointing and bad for the Tour, it's hardly surprising--it's kind of like discovering the Beatles may have been experimenting with LSD during the recording of "Sergeant Pepper," or that your favorite porn starlet may have had a breast enhancement.  I mean, the guy carries a picture of Marco Pantani in his jersey pocket.  He wanted to get caught!  Nonetheless it's certainly yet another setback in the Tour's attempt to change its image.  It also raises more questions than answers, chief among them:

--Ricco has a naturally high hematocrit level already, so isn't this like a sex addict taking Viagra?  (Or more accurately Cialis, the Diet Pepsi Max of erectile dysfunction medications?)

--Didn't Ricco read Phil Liggett's incendiary "Drugs=Not Cool" screed on the Versus Tour de France site?

--Is there any truth to the rumor that a movie version of the scandal is already in the works, and that The Cobra will be played by "G.I. Joe" arch-villain Cobra Commander?

--Will the Tour organization, the cycling press, and the public at large have any patience for the vigorous denials sure to follow this positive test result?

--Has Ricco already engaged personal injury attorney Daniella Levi, who has obtained millions of dollars for her clients over the years?

--Have Astana been vindicated, and will a smug Johan Bruyneel be played by John Travolta in that same movie?

--Will Jonathan Vaughters and team Garmin/Chipotle, who test themselves once every 14 days, be able to contain their own smugness?

--Between AFLD testing and their own tests, how is it even possible that the Garmin/Chipotle riders have any blood left?  Could this be an elaborate subterfuge, and could bloodletting in fact have performance-enhancing benefits that the rest of the sporting world has not caught on to yet?

--Should the ASO just allow doping at this point and implement a Maillot Dopage for the highest-placed drugged rider?

The answers to these questions of course are: yes; doubtful; maybe; no; probably; hopefully; absolutely not; absolutely; and definitely.

At any rate, without Ricco's explosive (if drug-addled) riding we can look forward to a docile paceline the rest of the way to Paris.

Fixedgeargallery...of Out With the Old, In With the New

As a cultural phenomenon, fixed-gear bicycles have clearly reached a point in their evolution where they're splitting off into many different subsets. Just as the primordial slimy things with legs that crawled upon the slimy sea eventually climbed out of the sea and evolved into scaly things, and hairy things, and hairless things, and people who sneeze into their hands and then touch you with them, or just as punk music branched off endlessly into various sub-genres like hardcore, and ska, and grindcore, and indie rock, and, tragically, Coldplay, so has the fixed-gear bicycle begat clearly distinct lineages such as the fixed-gear freestyler, the polo bike, the garden variety urban runabout, and of course the ironic Orange Julius bike.

And while I may mock many of these bicycles, even I realize and appreciate the fact that bicycles must evolve, and that different lifestyles demand different bicycles, and that today's aberration may be tomorrow's industry standard if it proves both functional and appealing to enough people. Take for instance the following bicycle, which I feel embodies the present state of fixed-gear evolution pretty well:



hey my name is Christina here's my fairly new Greek baby bike!

its a 47cm nycbikes frame 650c deep v's ,fixed/fixed rear hub,(thanks to Richard from nycbikes who hooked up!), nitto anodized flat bar, oury grips,carbon fork, specialized toupe seat.

its still undergoing upgrading changes ( possibly the crank set) but for now here it is. this bike is lots of fun!

Sure, this isn't my sort of bike, but apart from the lack of a brake I can certainly acknowledge its functionality as a swift little urban runabout. It even manages to display nationalistic pride without veering off too wildly into the realm of the tribute bike. Okay, if it had an integrated apotropaic eye and a top tube pad with the phrase "My Big Fat Greek Fixie" embroidered on it we might be getting into Trail of Tears 2K8 territory, but as it is it's just a relatively subdued blue and white. And while I personally may abhor things like colored chains, if they work just the same as regular chains then go right ahead and use them if you must. Hey, if she vibes Hellas and it's her classic peep during Art History, then she should vibe away.

On the other hand, we have this:

greetings from baltimore. this is my 1988 nagasawa. i got it used from a japanese website --e-framebank.com-- for real cheap. i'd recommend it for anyone who is interested in a used keirin frame and doesn't mind waiting two months while it's shipped over in a rice boat. the dropouts are spaced at 113mm for some reason and the slots were about 8mm so it took some respacing and grinding to get the back wheel on. the dude at the bike shop thinks the frame may have been built for a disc wheel. also the cranks i had were not compatable so i had to grind the shit out of those to keep them from bottoming out. theres a bit of an overlap problem as well so im having to use powergrips on mountain bike pedals until i can afford to go clipless. everything else seems to be running smooth though and if i didnt have so much crap to carry places i'd sell my car....and move to brazil. thanks for the site. i check it at work when i'm not driving the zamboni.

Apart from the naked bars with the Oury shoulder pads, I didn't cringe when I saw this bike. In many ways it's also the opposite of the Hellenic bike in that it's pretty traditional. I did, however, cringe at the description. Apart from the little bit about it being "shipped over in a rice boat," the owner's cluelessness regarding the spacing was especially disturbing. Uh, it only takes about five seconds of Googling to discover that 110mm rear spacing with 8mm slots was simply a Japanese Keirin frame standard. (I'm sure the extra 2mm can be attributed to the frame being slightly out-of-spec or to simple mis-measuring.) You'd think he'd take the time to figure that out and maybe seek out the appropriate components for his frame before deciding to "grind the shit" out of stuff. (If not before even buying the thing in the first place.) Just because you've never heard of something doesn't mean it's wrong. If you bought an Italian frame and your English bottom bracket didn't go into it, you wouldn't say it was threaded backwards "for some reason" and then jam the thing in there anyway. You'd do five minutes of research, learn about the difference between English and Italian bottom brackets, and get the correct component.

Hey, I don't even mind that he grinded or respaced the frame. It's just some metal tubes welded together, it's his, and he can do what he wants with it. I just wish he'd taken the time to learn something about his Keirin frame first. Instead, he blithely took file to frame because it had a certain spacing "for some reason." Using an old frame in a new way is open-minded. Using and old frame the wrong way because you don't know anything about that frame and haven't taken the time to learn is closed-minded. He didn't modify the frame, because modifying something requires understanding it. He didn't butcher the frame either, because even a butcher understands the animal he is cutting apart. In this case, he mutilated it. And by the way, the "overlap problem" is not a problem at all. It's a track bike, not a mountain bike. It's not designed for technical slow-speed maneuvering.

If anything good is going to come out of the current fixed-gear customization fad, it's going to be that more and more people are going to learn how to build their own bikes to suit their riding styles, and consequently bicycles will become more neatly integrated into their lives. If a rule doesn't work for you, throw it away. You don't need to ride what the big companies are trying to sell you, and you don't need to build your bike according to anybody's rules. But at least read the rule book before you throw it out. Toe overlap on a track bike is not a "problem." Frame spacing is not arbitrary. Frames are not wrong--people are wrong. It's 2008, and there are a tremendous number of fixed-gear frames on the market with standard spacing and plenty of toe-front wheel clearance. Why wear heels when what you really want are sneakers?

Rest-Day Roundup: Stealing Seconds and Stealing Bikes

Yesterday's Tour de France stage coverage was inspirational for a number of reasons. Firstly, there was Saunier Duval's impressive one-two finish, proving once again that there is no "I" in "team." (Though there is a "moi" in "chamois.") Secondly, Cadel Evans (whose collarbones are only intact after yesterday's crash because they have both been replaced by titanium) proved he is in fact a great stage racer by taking the Maillot Jaune by one second. (Anybody can blast his way up a mountainside in a distateful display of power, but it takes a certain dignified restraint to sidle up behind people and pilfer seconds the way Cadel does, like an uninvited party guest nabbing cocktail weiners.) And most importantly, about midway through the coverage, the new Mogo Scooter commercial "dropped."

Finally, something I can use! I love prefabricated fads, and this one's so prefab the sneakers they bought for the photo shoot still have the tag on them. The Mogo has a bicycle's lack of portability and lacks a drivetrain, so it's essentially a skateboard you can't bring on the bus and a bicycle you can't ride for long distances. Fun! Of course, the bike-based scooter already came and went in the 80s, but I honestly feel the Mogo will succeed where the Miniscoot failed, mostly because the manufacturer has handily dispensed with all my reservations in their FAQ:

What is it like to ride a mogo?
The mogo motion is like no other type of ride out there. If you enjoy bicycling, skateboarding, surfing, skiing or any other type of cruising, you are sure to love the mogo. On a mogo, you blaze at your own speed, set your style, and dazzle the world with your mogo skills.

Do I need to be an athlete to ride a mogo?
Hardly. All are welcome in mogo nation. Anyone from your little brother to your grandma can enjoy the freedom and excitement of a mogo. Riding styles and speed is totally up to you.

Who invented the mogo?
The mogo was the invention of a groovy group of folks looking for a fun way to enjoy kicking around town and relaxing. Riding a mogo is a great way to be seen on campus or around town.

Can I get a workout from riding a mogo?
The endorphin rush is just one of the many buzzes you get from a mogo. You will notice from the moment you stand on your mogo and start pushing that muscles throughout your legs back and abs are used to propel and steer you mogo.

Yes, take it from me, there is no greater endorphin rush than the one you get from looking like a complete dork. By the way, here's a photo of the "groovy group of folks" who invented the Mogo:

I must admit though that I was disappointed by the results of yesterday's stage. I'd hate to bring my personal biases to bear here, but the truth is I'm rooting for Carlos Sastre. You may recall Sastre's pacifier-in-mouth mountaintop victory salute in the 2003 Tour:

Sastre made this bizarre gesture in honor of his infant daughter, so I'm pulling for him now in the hope that he'll repeat the salute in a more age-appropriate manner. I figure the kid's probably experimenting with "bathroom" words by now and maybe just learning to write, so if we're lucky Sastre will win a mountain stage this year and cross the line holding a blackboard with the word "doody" scrawled on it.

In the meantime, today is a rest day, so I'd like to turn my attention to more important matters. And what could be more important than a bike theft? Recently I received the following email about a missing bicycle in the Brooklyn area:

On June 9th the bicycle was transfered to a UPS truck for delivery in Brooklyn, but grew feet an walked off the truck.

Bicycle is a red 2007 Cinellii Super Corsa 58cm with 2007 Campagnolo Record gruppo (Silver hubs and alloy crankset 172.5). Saddle is a Ti Brooks Swallow honey in color. 120mm Salsa stem (Decals removed) and a Deda 215 Shallow 46cm outside to outside with Cinelli natural cork tape finished with tape colors that match the Cinelli logo. Aspire Velo Tech Italian Bike Mirror on barend. King Cages stainless bottle cages that have been polished along with the stainless button head mounting bolts. The cable stops for the downtube are polished Shimano (I think they look better than the plastic Campy). Wheels are 36h Record hubs with Ambrosio Excellence rims, two cross front and three cross rear, and Vittoria rubber (Red stripes and 23mm tires, Michelin tubes have extra long valves which stands out on the low profile rims.). All other parts are Campagnolo Record Ultra Narrow 10 speed (Headset, pedals, cassette (Big, for the mountains), seatpost is carbon Record). I took the red decals off of the big chainring. Frame is missing one of the "Flying Cinelli C" buttons at the seat cluster. Front derailleur has a nick on the lower outside cage touched up with clear nail polish. Black Timbuk2 medium saddle bag with the logo removed and post strap altered so it would not rub on the Record logo and a brown leather Cinelli toestrap, w/gold logo, looped around seatrails and bag.

As you can see, this is a big loss for me and any help would be great. I am offering a reward in an effort to reclaim the bicycle.

The bicycle was apparently en route from Atlanta (which according to Wikipedia is in Georgia somewhere.) Shaken to the core, I immediately commissioned (at great expense to myself, I might add) a composite sketch of the missing bike:

Note the exquisite rendering of the Brooks Swallow saddle and the Aspire Velo Tech mirror.

Of course, after the artist had already cashed the check the victim sent me an actual photo of the bike:

Amazed as I was at how accurate the composite sketch turned out to be, I was still upset at having spent the money for nothing, so I implore all of you to keep an eye out for this bicycle and to reimburse me for my expenses from what will no doubt be a handsome reward. If you have any information please email me. And in the meantime, I advise the victim to take action against UPS, and to hire a top-notch attorney:

With a commercial like that, she's gotta be good.

I'm Back: Did I Miss Anything?

(A potential recruit in the War Against Pie Plates)

Today is Bastille Day, and that means two things: 1) a Frenchman will probably take a flyer in today's Tour stage, and 2) my vacation is over. If you're wondering where I spent my time off, rest assured I was nowhere near France. Unfortunately, I can't tell you where I did go, because if I do then everyone will want to go there, and they'll also bring with them their sundry bacterias and viruses and crass Western folkways, thus destroying the delicate cultural and ecological balance I was fortunate enough to enjoy. (I know what you're now thinking, and I will neither confirm nor deny spending the last week in New Jersey.) Let's just say that my vacation was exactly like a stint in the Peace Corps, except there were no impoverished peoples, the food was delicious, and I didn't lift a finger to help anybody.

I am, however, quite willing to tell you how I did not spend my vacation. Here are just a few things I didn't do:

File a Lawsuit Against the New York Bike-Share Program for Copying my Take a Pista, Leave a Pista Program

I was only waiting for the PistaDex to dip slightly before implementing TAP/LAP so that it would be economically viable, but unfortunately the scoundrels behind the bike-share program scooped me. Actually, while I was sitting around biding my time someone else went ahead and stole the PistaDex from me too. I really need to be more proactive when it comes to whoring my ideas.

Visit Gary Fisher's 29er Fantasy Camp

Yes, now large-wheeled devotees have a place where they can extoll the virtues of their machines and feel free to be themselves as they roll somewhat more smoothly over rugged terrain, free from the scorn and ridicule of the diametrally-challenged and the rubber-and-kevlar grip of the international 26-inch tire manufacturers' cabal. Sadly, however, I was not among them.

Immerse Myself In a Full Week of Versus Tour de France Coverage

Actually, this was my original intention--to camp out on my sofa like a Basqueman beside a Pyreneean road and do nothing but watch the Tour. Excited, I donned my Tour-watching smock, took the phone off the hook, and fired up the TV. To make it more interesting, I also bought a bottle of tequila, a bottle of whiskey, and a bottle of vodka. Each time Phil or Paul gratuitously mentioned Lance Armstrong, I took a shot of tequila. Each time Paul said the phrase "front end of the main field," I took a belt of whiskey. And each time Phil or Paul said the phrase, "sorry for the little bit of picture break-up," I hit the vodka. (I also died a little bit inside each time that anti-bike Autozone commercial ran, but that wasn't part of the game.) Unfortunately I passed out and nearly choked to death on my own vomit before the end of Stage 1. Lesson learned.

In any event, my bout with alcohol poisoning was really a blessing in disguise (albeit a disgusting one which contained a disturbing amount of undigested Cheetos), since it prompted me to go on a real vacation and get some rest. The blessing was also a mixed one (and I'm not just talking about the other stuff that was in there with the Cheetos), since taking a vacation is also like sitting up in a group ride--while it might feel good for a little while ultimately you've got to pedal twice as hard to get back to the group. I'm now almost completely out of the loop, having missed monumental things like:

This Once-In-A-Lifetime Craigslist Bargain

custom spicer track bicycle - $1250 (bed-stuy) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/bik/744542747.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-07-06, 2:50PM EDT

Custom spicer track frame, Kinesis carbon fork, sugino 75 165cm track cranks, brooks b-17 saddle, mks pedals/clips (size LL, have size L you can have as well, soma double straps, aerospoke front/rear, older stem/bar configuration i used because it had less of a drop, will include an italmanubri stem, pista drops, and nitto track rb-018 bullhorns. tange headset, sugino bb, white chain. frame size is roughly a 56-58.. its a bit small for me as i'm 6'2. I included a picture of a small crack in the front wheel (not structural!!) that i covered with tape about 6 months ago and it's been fine like that.I can remove it and show you that it is only cosmetic. Michelin pro race front tire, specialized mondo rear, This is a fun, stiff, fast bicycle that has been well built and cared for by myself and bike shops.
$1250
Thanks for looking!

That's right, the crack in the Aerospoke is non-structural. Sure, it may have been structural at one point, but that was before the owner covered it in duct tape. Personally I'd have absolutely no reservations about riding a front wheel comprised of only five spokes, one of which has a crack in it. Four out of five is more than enough--after all, the seller has five fingers on each hand and he still managed to take a decent photo of his bike with his thumb up his ass. That's good enough for me.

The Theft and Recovery of An $8,000 Bicycle

A number of readers were kind enough to forward me this story:

$8,000 bike stolen during trip to ATM
The Capital Times — 7/08/2008 9:58 am
A visit to an ATM cost a bicyclist his $8,000 bike Saturday.
Madison police said the bicyclist left his bike unattended while he went to the cash machine at the Jenifer Street Market, 2038 Jenifer St., shortly after 4 p.m. Saturday, and within the few minutes it took to use the ATM, the bike was gone.
"The owner said the bike would be useless to most riders," said police spokesman Joel DeSpain. "It has no brakes and is a fixed gear bike that doesn't coast but works like a big wheel, so if you want to slow down you pedal backwards or lock your knees."
Anyone with information about the theft can call 266-6014.

Needless to say I read this with great concern. The very notion that a person cannot leave his $8,000 fixed-gear bicycle alone and unlocked while he goes to withdraw cash from an ATM--right in the very backyard of the Great Trek Bicycle Making Company no less--sickens me. Chances are he needed the cash to purchase more components for his bicycle, which makes its theft all the more tragic. Fortunately, though, there was a happy ending:

Pricey bicycle returned to owner
By Patricia Simms
608-252-6492
psimms@madison.com
An $8,000 bicycle has been returned to its owner after being swiped Saturday near an ATM at the Jenifer Street Market.

Madison Police spokesman Joel DeSpain said Tuesday that the owner of the expensive and unique Trek bicycle parked it around 4 p.m. a few feet away from the ATM.

"In the couple of minutes it took the victim to use the machine, his $8,000 bike disappeared, " DeSpain said.

The bike has a carbon fiber frame, fork, handlebars, seat, wheels, and cranks, with but a few small pieces of aluminum parts. It has no brakes, and is a "fixed " gear -- it does not coast.

"If you want to slow down, you pedal backwards, or lock your knees, " he said. "The owner says it would be useless to most riders. "

Police believe the thief discovered that quickly, then ditched it near the Barrymore Theater after riding it a few blocks.

Someone attending a nearby block party spotted the bike and recognized its value. DeSpain said that person propped the bike up against a pole and watched to see if it was claimed.

When it wasn't, he took the bike to his house and called the police.

Meanwhile, the victim called the police self-report line and talked to an officer, who helped make the connection between the two calls.

DeSpain said the bike 's owner thinks its recovery is a "miracle."

I'm not sure "victim" is the right word here, since really the only thing the owner is a victim of is his own stupidity. "Miracle" is also a bit of an overstatement, though I suppose when you're that stupid just about everything seems miraculous. I'm sure he also marvels at things like toast and the wetness of water, and I suspect he also keeps operating instructions taped above his toilet so he can remember how to use it every morning. I'm also sure when he reported the theft he explained to the officer that he had been at the ATM machine, and that while he was pretty sure he was only there for a few minutes it might have been longer, since he was having a really hard time remembering his PIN number--which he finally remembered was tattooed to the inside of his lower lip.

Messenger Reality Show Pitches

Self-delusion is a part of the human condition, and one delusion we all share is that our workplace would make a great television show. And it seems like the good people at Cyclehawk couriers are, alas, only human. This trailer has it all: from the savvy old street warrior; to the dispatcher who waxes nostalgic while getting a haircut about the life of crime he left behind; to the young upstart whose helmetless riding, unkempt appearance, and general insouciance are sure to have the squares quaking in their pennyloafers. Will people ever stop romanticizing the act of riding around the city on bicycles and delivering packages for money? Well, it's 2008 AD (or 22 AQ--that's After Quicksilver, naturally) and they're still trying, so I don't think so.

Robert Mackey Buys His Way to the Top

After having spent approximately $75,000 by my count, Robert Mackey succeeded in finishing L'Etape, proving once again that money can indeed buy mediocrity. (He could have saved himself some money by simply having Chris Horner ride him to the top.) More interestingly, the winner in Mackey's age group was none other than Laurent "Aaron Eckhart in 'Nurse Betty'" Brochard.

In his heyday Brochard sported perhaps the most inspiring hair in professional sports, if only because his coif was in fact a poignant metaphor for the peloton itself--for as any racer can tell you, it's all "business in the front, party in the back" when it comes to riding in the bunch. It would seem that Brochard is now part of a twin-pronged assault on European amateur cycling events blissfully free from doping controls, consisting of himself and disgraced Lithuanian Raimondas Rumsas, who went on to become a Gran Fondo specialist after his wife was arrested with a suitcase of drugs in 2002. (Not to be confused with a "suitcase of courage," which of course is perfectly legal, or a "suitcase of sausage," which is just strange.)

And of course, like all truly driven individuals, Mackey is not stopping here. Having condensed an entire cycling career into a period of a few weeks, he's now retiring and moving on to Tour de France commentary. At this rate you can expect a full line of Mackey bikes to launch at Interbike in October.

These are simply a few morsels from the vast cheeseplate of items that was served up by the cycling world while I was gone, so I hope you'll bear with me as I get caught up in the coming days. Not only that, but I'm trying to follow the Tour as well. Following the Tour is easy when you're European and don't work, but for us Americans it's quite difficult. I suppose I could save time by fast-forwarding through the commercials, but frankly I'm afraid I'll miss something. Sure, many of the commercials seem random and completely at odds with the tastes and lifestyles of the Tour de France audience, but if you look deeply you'll find a connection. For example, I was puzzled at first by the frequent advertisements for Rhino truck bed liners. But I've since sprayed one of my bike frames with the stuff and I'm pleased to report it's holding up nicely. I'm convinced that Rhino truck bed liners are the top tube pad of the future.

This Just In: BSNYC On Vacation!

One of the best things about writing this blog is that I answer to nobody but myself. So recently I asked myself if I could take a much-needed summer vacation, and I was delighted when the answer came back "Yes!" I can be unpredictable, though, so I also figured I'd better pack up and split quickly before I changed my mind. As such, I'll be gone through next week, and will return on Monday, July 14th with regular updates.

This should give me ample time to add a few more Tour de France stage wins to my palmares before the race heads into the mountains and I abandon Cipollini-style as I have in years past. (Suffering is so undignified.)

In my absense, please enjoy our nation's birthday, the first week of the Tour, and whatever else happens to be going on. As always, thanks everybody for reading, and ride safe. I'll see you again on the 14th.

--BSNYC