Flight Risks: Cycling for the Wrong Reasons

Well, the Handmade Bike Show is over. I didn't go, but I did look at pictures, and that alone qualifies me to sum the whole thing up. In short, wood is the new carbon, Cane Creek showed a $650 headset that will still have your buddies asking you why you didn't just go for the King, Craig Calfee (who is one of only a few builders making bikes for which the most common failure mode is rotting) inched ever closer to showing a bull carcass with a pair of wheels skewered through its hooves and a seatpost jabbed into its back, and the "Best In Show" bike had an integrated U-lock piercing that not only insures you lock it incorrectly, but is also top tube pad-incompatible.

Of course, the sheer variety of bicycles at the show mirrors the disparity that exists among cyclists. And, as anyone who reads the comments on this blog will tell you, disparity can lead to divisiveness. Each one of us rides differently and for different reasons, and we are all highly suspicious of those who we feel are riding for the "wrong" reasons. It's the tired, age-old "real cyclists" vs. "poseurs" debate. Worst of all, each one of us also has a completely different idea of what the wrong reasons are, and I'm no different. Following are some reasons people commonly give for cycling that I personally feel call one's true dedication into question:


It's Good for the Environment

Yes, cycling for transportation is much better for the environment than driving, or flying, or piloting some kind of contraption that burns endangered marine life for fuel. And yes, this is a good thing. For the environment. But what does it say about your commitment to cycling? Not a lot. I suspect many people who cycle primarily because they're concerned about the environment will bail on us as soon as some other clean way of getting around comes along. If SUVs were completely emission-free and ran on smugness instead of fossil fuels these people would flock to the dealerships and proceed to run the rest of us off the road as they root around in their glove compartments looking for their "Live Earth" CDs.


The High Price of Oil

This reason is even flimsier than the environmental one. You don't care about cycling or the environment. You just care about money. Well, what if cycling cost more than gas? (And for many of us, it does.) Would you still ride then? I don't think so. We don't need your kind.


Striving for "Personal Bests"

The concept of the "personal best" is an insidious one, and it will probably destroy us as a species long before our bellicose, environmentally hostile ways do. Substituting "personal bests" for objective standards lowers those standards like Giant lowered top tubes on road bikes. Remember: a bicycle is an elegant and efficient tool designed for seeking out and defeating people who aren't as good as you. If you want to beat yourself, don't get a bike--get a pornographic movie. You can beat yourself all day long without even leaving the house.


Fun

A lot of people fall back on this one when cycling-related arguments get heated. "Hey, it's all about having fun, right?" Wrong! Fun is for children and housepets. Cycling, like all important things, is about suffering. Sure, you can have a little fun, but only if that fun serves to remind you just how much you're really suffering. Because when you try to take the suffering out of cycling, you wind up like this:

Health/Fitness

Real cyclists don't ride because it's healthy. They ride because they have to. If cycling caused arterial clogging, incontinence, and breast development in males real cyclists would still do it anyway. That whole impotence scare didn't get people off their bikes. It just got them using really ugly saddles with cutouts.


Leg Definition (males)

Male cyclists who are vain about their legs and think others admire them are completely delusional. If you're a male cyclist, your legs are either overly developed with an abrupt tan line from miles and miles of cycling in lycra, or they're hairy and scabby from innumerable mountain biking falls. Your legs reflect the fact that you're an obsessive cyclist in the same way a smoker's brown teeth identify him as an addict, or a wine-bibber's stained lips identify him as a slightly more socially acceptable drunk. All three of these things mean you do one thing way too much, and they broadcast only one message to others: stay away! You are not attractive. You are a freak.


It's Cool

Yeah, sure, cycling's cool now. But if you're expecting it to stay that way you'll be disappointed. You know what was also cool once? These glasses:

Think about it.

The Indignity of Commuting by Bicycle: Encounters Both Mechanical and Bacterial

As a turbulent week finally draws to a close, I'd like to share with you two highlights from my morning commute.


The first was a charming concerto of incompetence, which you can see below:



I can't find a single thing in this photograph that isn't stupid. The truck is stuck between the parked cars. The car on its right is parked on the wrong side of the street, in front of a fire hydrant. (If you're going to park illegally, you might as well make it count.) As such, the truck's driver is routing traffic around this gangbang of stupidity by guiding it onto the sidewalk. Here he is shown bidding adieu to the driver of a green minivan, who, having successfully passed, is once again free to roam the streets in search of victims.


The second was decidedly less charming and more organic. Some of you may have at some point or another longed for the opportunity to spit in my face. Well, here is a person who actually has:

Of course, he did so inadvertently. I happened to be nearby when he discharged, the wind was in his favor, and it was only a fine mist by the time it reached me. But that doesn't make it any less disgusting, and as cyclists we must all adhere to a collective pact: look before you spit. My first instinct was to chide him verbally, but I opted instead to follow him and photograph him. And it wasn't easy. Despite his innocuous, upright, nerdy appearance, he rode in a reckless fashion that would make a messenger blush. He spent more time on the sidewalk than a Bichon's leavings or one of those Sarah Lawrence students who panhandle on the Lower East Side over the summer. In fact, note that he's still on the sidewalk in the photo. Eventually, we parted ways when he abruptly turned west on an eastbound one-way street.

The heedless spitting combined with the heedless riding was enough for me to once again make an exception to my policy of not taking candid photos of other cyclists. In this case though I do it less to avenge a wrong than I do it to help my fellow commuters, so that should they encounter this windbreaker-clad phlegm dispenser they can be sure to stay upwind of him.

Schlock Therapy: The NAMPBS Preview

As the fillet-brazed hype machine that is the North American Handmade Bicycle Show nudges its self-consciously retro bar-end shifter into high gear, another bike show prepares to open its doors as well. It’s not nearly as well-known, and it’s decidedly more pedestrian, but for those bicycle enthusiasts who can’t make it to Portland or who just plain find inspiration in mediocrity, the North American Mass-Produced Bicycle Show will be the place to be this weekend.

A record crowd of industry outsiders and confused pedophiles is expected at VFW Post 1666 in Yonkers, NY when the NAMPBS begins this Saturday, and if last year’s show is any indication, you should wear shoes with rubber soles because the floors will once again be wet with saliva. Of course, this is not because people will be drooling over exquisite bicycles; rather, it’s because they will be bored into a state of slack-jawed half-sleep by a slew of lukewarm offerings from tired manufacturers. Here’s just a small preview of what you can expect to see at this year’s NAMPBS:

The Hall of Eerie Similarities

Over at the NAHBS, each bicycle is as individual as a snowflake. At the NAMPBS Hall of Eerie Similarities, though, they’re as indistinguishable from one-another as Oreos, squirrels, or the people on the L train. Here, the byword is rebadging, and the only difference is the decals:

(KHS's Flite 100. Welcome to "meh" city.)

(Seat cluster on its identical twin, the Mercier Kilo TT. Check out the good enough welds and the paint that effectively covers the metal.)

The Hall of Empty Shells

Many of yesterday’s storied marques have been bought and sold over the years and exist now in name only. Here you can see the latest offerings from the people who own the rights to use decals that say things like Schwinn, Masi, and Raleigh.

(Note the pointy seat-tube thing on this Raleigh Whatever. Whatever.)

This is one of the fastest-growing segments at the NAMPBS. This year’s buzz: will Cannondale have a booth?


The Trend-Forecasting Symposium

When it comes to innovation, exhibitors at the NAMPBS are re-active, not pro-active. The Trend-Forecasting Symposium consists of a small room with a computer in it so exhibitors can look at pictures from the NAHBS and decide which ideas are cheap enough yet marketable enough to copy. Admission is $5 on top of the regular entry fee. Includes coffee and bagels while they last.

A General Celebration of Bike Culture

There are a number of exciting bike-related events planned in the area in conjunction with the NAMPBS. Highlights include:

Windsprints at the Piper’s Kilt Pub

You’re heard of goldsprints. Well, windsprints takes it up a notch as competitors face off on those stupid stationary bicycles with the fans. It’s like watching paint dry—literally! The first person to produce enough of a breeze to dry a coat of latex semi-gloss wins.

Notable Residents of Yonkers Alleycat

Riders must complete a series of checkpoints set up at the past and present homes of famous Yonkers citizens. Residences include those of comedian Sid Caesar, forgotten rapper Jadakiss, and Elisha Otis, inventor of the passenger elevator.

The Gimbels Ride

No visit to Yonkers is complete without doing the famous Gimbels Ride. This storied training ride is said to be one of the oldest in the US. Whether or not that’s true, one thing is for certain: you will run afoul of a woman in a BMW SUV who’s irate because you’re keeping her from her nail appointment.

So be sure to check out the NAMPBS, where the only thing looser than the schedules are the manufacturing tolerances. It’s the show that actually represents what most of us ride.

Worst of NYC Craigslist Bike Ads #46-#50

Among the many great comments on yesterday's post was this one:

bikesnobsnob said...
Thanks Sheldon for being open to all those who rode bicycles and for putting aside petty name calling and bitching for the true love of the bicycle. Bikesnob could learn a lesson from you.

Sorry, BSS. A reptile cannot change its scales, and my craven behavior allows us to appreciate SB that much more. The name-calling and bitching shall continue.

Speaking of name-calling, eloquent fossil John Updike inadvertently may have stumbled upon the literary prototype for the mainstream cycling publication bicycle review. As I flipped though this week's issue of "The New Yorker" looking for arty naked pictures, I stumbled upon the b-word in an article he had written about the Irish writer Flann O'Brien. Amidst all Updike's bloviating, I found this quote, from O'Brien's 1940 novel, "The Third Policeman:"

How can I convey the perfection of my comfort on the bicycle, the completeness of my union with her, the sweet responses she gave me at every particle of her frame? ... She moved beneath me with agile sympathy in a swift, airy stride, finding smooth ways among the stony tracks, swaying and bending skillfully to match my changing attitudes, even accommodating her left pedal patiently to the awkward working of my wooden leg.

Stunned, I immediately went to Cyclingnews and read their review of the LeMond Victoire, and found this:

The Victoire performed very well when putting power to the pedals with excellent acceleration, and the light weight coupled with extra layers of carbon at the bottom bracket made the LeMond float on the climbs. With the 72 degree seat angle I felt like I could stay in the saddle comfortably on longer climbs and keep things steady versus constantly swapping between standing and sitting. The Victoire's quick handling takes a bit of getting used to but this translated into great get-up-and-go when going for those end-of-ride sign sprints. Ride quality was spot on overall.

Now I'm no English professor, but it's really just some carbon fiber and a wooden leg away.

Much further towards the crap end of the literary spectrum, of course, are the Craigslist bikes for sale ads. If you're in the market for a new bike, here's the latest ones to avoid:

Looking to trade my 55cm bianchi pista for a nice road bike (Union Square) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/bik/560245580.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-02-02, 1:30AM EST

Hello there,

I'm looking to trade my pista for a road bike.
Its a 2007, chrome model.
The stock seatpost and stem have stripped so I am missing those.
(actually still have the seatpost)
Also, I have taken the clear coat off the chrome and scuffed it up a bit,
and I've removed the anodizing on the cranks. They look cool.
lastly, there are three dents in the top tube.
Nevertheless, a new stem and seatpost and this bike is good to go!

Fixed is hard on my knee and I'm looking for a fast road bike.
Hopefully I will find something good.
Looking for steel, lugged, old school but quality.
Could be worn, if worn well.

Thank you

This guy is jumping head-first off the fixed-gear indie band-wagon, abandoning his studiously pre-distressed Pista for a similarly pre-distressed road bike. I wonder if he also rubs his calves on the sidewalk to get fake road rash, makes ollie holes in his Chuck Taylors with a file, and fades his brand-new tattoos under a heat lamp.

**NICE MAKINO FIX GEAR BIKE CHECK IT OUT*** (Chelsea) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/bik/559372170.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-02-01, 10:23AM EST

hi iam selling my MAKINO FIX GEAR BIKE!! SIZE IS A 52CM here are some specs! BEST OFFER TAKES IT!!
MAKINO FRAME AND FORK
WORLD FACE HANDLE BARS
TECHROMIC STEM
BONTREGAR SEAT POLE -carbon fiber seat pole- VIPER SEAT STEM IS TECHROMIC MAVIC CX33 BLUE RIMS 18T ON THE REAR RIM VALIANT V2 TIRES BOTH MATCH CHAIN RINGS IS A 48T THE BRAND IS GIRHARDT GIP -LIGHT RED COLOR- WELL IF U HAVE ANY QUESTIONS FEEL FREE TO EMAIL ME THANKS. EMAIL IS [deleted] PS REMEMBER IS A PROFESSIONAL TRACK BIKE THERE R NO BRAKES!!! BEST OFFER TAKES IT!! BEST OFFER TAKES IT!! BEST OFFER TAKES IT!! BEST OFFER TAKES IT!! BEST OFFER TAKES IT!!

What the hell is a "Bontregar Seat Pole?" Is that something the Vikings used to sack villages? I'm sorry that he left out the part about how "this bike is not for the faint of heart." Please somebody make the best offer, take it, and rehabilitate it. It's too late for the owner, but we can still save the bike.

Phil Wood X Mash SF track hubs - $300 (Lower East Side) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/bik/558811930.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-01-31, 6:43PM EST

32h 100mm front, 120mm rear. Limited edition. Item located in SAN FRANCISCO. Will ship to NY for free or can meet up in NYC after Feb 15th.

Track, HED, Spinergy, Aerospoke.

Uh-oh, another Mission fixed-gear freestyler is moving east and needs rent money, so he's selling his Phil/Mash collabo hubs. Bushwick ain't cheap anymore. I love the west coast, but I think it's time we implement some kind of quota. Bikes here are getting too bubble-gummy and I squarely blame San Francisco.

attn.wheel builders rare pinapple hub for sale - $65 [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/wch/bik/561790139.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-02-03, 4:45PM EST

rare pinapple hub for sale still built on a rim so you can copy the pattern and spoke lenght ,,rim and nipples are shot..cnc macined hub w/seal cart bearing.32 hole 16 in the hub 16 on the flange must come to together and twist


Who needs Phil Woods anyway? If you want to be original, just build up one of these babies. Or, if you want the same aesthetic effect, lace up a Russet potato. (Just let it sit awhile to grow some eyes).




ULTRA RAD CANNONDALE 29er [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/bik/561581611.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-02-03, 1:11PM EST

Bad Boy Ultra
hand made Furio aluminum frame size SMALL for riders 5'-9" or smaller; 29 in. standover
ULTRA FATTY FORK with lock out feature
DISK BRAKES
FLAT BAR
CUSH OURY GRIPS
MAVIC 700c/29in. hand made wheels

custom parts- upgraded and lighter
excellent condition- ready to ride
tons of accessories

THEE ULTIMATE STEALTH STREET ROCKET BIKE

$800 obo


Your bike is not a 29er. It is a hybrid on steroids. It is the American Gladiator of hybrids. And it's obviously not housetrained, which is why it's on the paper.

Thanks Sheldon

In yesterday's post I offhandedly mentioned Sheldon Brown. A little while later, I learned from reading the comments that he had died. At first, I thought that this was a morbid coincidence. But the more I thought about it, the less remarkable it seemed. This site is about cycling, and Sheldon Brown is as integral a part of cycling as pedals, or chains, or bar tape. (Okay, maybe not bar tape.) So, really, it's not particularly surprising that he should come up.

I've always revered Sheldon Brown for his erudition and wisdom. Knowing that much is rare enough, but being able to communicate that knowledge so clearly to others is even rarer. And sharing it so willingly and wittily is what made him a singular figure in cycling.

Only the strongest personalities can infuse inanimate objects with life, and Sheldon Brown did that. Just go to his website and look at his personal bikes. As much as we all love bikes, I think we all know they're just things. Sheldon's bikes are things too, but they have a signature exuberance; they are simultaneously absurd and practical. In a subculture that obsessively categorizes everything, they defy categorization. When you reach a certain familiarity with bicycles they can sometimes speak to you about their owners, and Sheldon's bikes speak with irreverence. They sing and tell jokes, and they have a Thelonious Monk-like ugly beauty. When you have as much knowledge and creativity as Sheldon did, you can build bikes that follow no template except your own.

There's little danger that cyclists will forget Sheldon Brown. I doubt that there's any cyclist who hasn't consulted his site, or who doesn't still. And as the architect of the cycling canon he's done more for cycling than any pro cyclist, or critical mass, or white bike, or orange bike ever has. No matter what you ride, how you ride, how long you ride, or how long you've been riding, you're a fan of Sheldon Brown.

Thanks for everything Sheldon.

--BSNYC

(from Sheldon's site)

Fixedgeargallery...of total enlightenment.

Dear Dennis,

It gives me great pleasure to finally submit a bike to fixedgeargallery. Here is my story.

Seven years ago, after discovering fixedgeargallery, I decided to build my own fixed-gear bike. I studied the gallery entries obsessively, I went to every bike shop in town, and I read every word on Sheldon Brown’s site. Still, I did not have a clear vision in my mind’s eye of what my fixed-gear bicycle should be. I needed to know more.

In 2002 I traveled to Italy in order to immerse myself in cycling’s rich culture and history. I visited the Vigorelli velodrome, I made a pilgrimage to the Sanctuary of the Madonna del Ghisallo, and I even took part in an obscure ritual which consisted of drinking mulled wine from a cycling shoe that once belonged to Fausto Coppi. But still, I felt no closer to realizing my ultimate fixed-gear bike.

Once I recovered from the severe bacterial infection I got from Coppi’s shoe, I decided to head to Japan. I thought that perhaps the land of keirin and NJS componentry would be able to teach me what Italy had not. Unfortunately, since I was unable to speak Japanese I found the intricacies of keirin racing to be largely inscrutable. Despondent, I set about roaming the countryside. Eventually, I wound up in Nara, where I learned two things. Firstly, the famous “tame” deer that roam the town are not really tame at all—in attempting to feed one I sustained a groin injury that required a two-night hospital stay and a course of aggressive acupuncture to cure. Secondly, during a visit to a Shinto shrine that I thought was a bike shop, I discovered Zen.

Of course, I had heard of Zen before, since nearly all fixed-gear riders use it to describe the connection they feel with their bikes. However, I had always just assumed it was a kind of clipless pedal system. It turns out though that Zen is actually a complete letting-go of one’s self-consciousness that allows one to travel down the path to enlightenment, or something like that. And once I knew that, I knew that I could use Zen to help me on my own path towards discovering my inner fixed-gear.

What followed was a five-year crash course in Buddhism that took me across the entire continent of Asia. One of those years was spent observing a vow of silence, two of them were spent traveling from Lhasa to Dharamsala entirely in prostration, two more were spent in a Buddhist monastery, and three weeks were spent entirely on a toilet when I broke a fast with what turned out to be a really, really rancid cup of yak butter tea. And then, one day, during a visit to the Mahabodhi temple in Bodhgaya, it finally came to me as I sat under the Bodhi tree. Total fixed-gear enlightenment.

I do not agonize over whether to use an Aerospoke or a Deep V on the front, since my front wheel is the eight-spoked Wheel of Dharma. I do not worry about what color my top tube pad should be because my crotch is protected by right mindfulness. And I don’t worry about finding time to ride, because I have no job and years of spiritual exploration have rendered me completely unemployable.

As you can tell from the picture (I chose a beach shot because I don't have a record collection and I couldn't find a Buddhist-themed graffiti mural), my bike is unlike all others, and reactions to it when I show up at the bar are varied. Many are confused. Some are appreciative. And one guy just punched me in the neck. (Getting punched in the neck really hurts.) But I have been liberated from the material constraints that have prevented so many riders before me from experiencing the true joys of fixed-gear cycling. I now feel totally connected to the bike.

Really great site. Paypal on the way.

Safety in Numbers: Which Group Ride is Right for You?

There's no better way to meet new people, learn new things, and increase your fitness than by participating in group rides. And no matter what kind of cyclist you are, there's a group ride for you. Here are just some of the group rides you can participate in this weekend:

The Eternal Roll-Out Ride

Every group ride begins with at least a few miles of easy spinning. This allows riders to warm up their legs and catch up with each-other. Eventually, though, the chit-chat ends and the pace picks up. If you live in fear of that moment, The Eternal Roll-Out Ride is for you. Here, the camaraderie never ends and the real riding never begins. It’s 50 blissful miles of looking the part without having to actually play it.

The Epic Ride

The Epic Ride is the stuff of legend. Literally. Every Sunday riders meet at the local cafe and agree on the day’s exploits. They then disband, go home, and blog about it. Here’s a sample from the 16th paragraph of one of last week’s ride reports: “We hit the base of the big climb doing 60k. My wattage was off the charts as I took my turn at the front. After three miles of climbing in the big ring the gradient kicked up from 19% to 25%. Knowing I only had a few more bullets in the chamber, I made my move, shredding what was left of the group.”

The 29er Ride

Like 29ers and preaching to the choir? You’ll love The 29er Ride, which consists entirely of riders endlessly extolling the virtues of their big-wheeled machines to one-another. Ride highlight from last weekend: hitting that rocky climb again and saying for the fourteenth time, “Oh man, I never would have cleaned that on my 26-inch bike.”

The Knowledge Ride

This left-leaning group of academics has a penchant for long-reach calipers, fenders, and Avocet tires no narrower than 25mm. The pace of this ride is as sensible as the equipment, and as each rider takes the front he or she also holds forth on vital issues of the day. The route and the topics always change, but there’s one thing you can count on: someone’s going to drop the hammer—of knowledge! (This weekend, expect topics of discussion to include Barack Obama, the economy, and a guilty 20 minute diversion into Britney Spears’ latest hospitalization under the flimsy guise of a parenting debate.)

The Arby’s Sessions

Fixed-gear freestyling comes to New York City’s exurbs every Saturday night with the famous Arby’s Sessions, which take place in a fast food restaurant parking lot in Norwalk, CT. Rumor has it that this week, Drew, who got to third with Hilary Rubin one time and can smoke a whole cigarette with inhaling, is going to finally pull off a backwards circle. Also, Brandon is expected to show up on his new Pista Concept, which he’s been begging his parents for and which they finally bought him after he totally rocked the PSATs.

The Compact Ride

At first glance, this is a group road ride like any other. But look closer and you’ll see that every rider is using a diminutive compact crank. Yes, The Compact Ride means there is finally a place where the small of ring and BCD can come to feel safe from scorn and ridicule. It’s like a ¾-scale real ride. Expect lots of pro-compact chit-chat on that first climb, and expect even more anti-triple ranting.

The Newbie Ride

Every week, three or four nascent cyclists from the trendy neighborhood head out in their jeans on a motley assortment of fixed-gears and old road bikes to that place over the bridge they heard about at the bike shop. The first 20 miles is spent mocking the roadies in lycra who keep passing them. The next 20 miles includes lots of stops to struggle awkwardly with mechanical problems, a lengthy delay caused by a sneaker shoelace getting caught in a drivetrain, and a resolution to leave the locks and stuff home next time and bring water bottles. The ride home is awkwardly silent, and the rest of the day is spent nursing severe crotchal chafing. Be sure to show up the following week to see who caved first and bought cycling shorts.

The Recreational Cycling Club Ride

Do you call cycling “biking,” use flat bars on the road, and keep your cellphone in a fanny pack? If so, this is the ride for you. The only tattoos on this ride are chainring tattoos. Strap on your helmet, slip on that neon green windbreaker, clothespin that route map to your handlebars, and hit the road. Don’t worry about getting dropped—this ride stops for everyone, and it stops a lot. This weekend: a four-hour, 15-mile round trip ride to an ethnic restaurant.