Friday, February 1, 2008

Safety in Numbers: Which Group Ride is Right for You?

There's no better way to meet new people, learn new things, and increase your fitness than by participating in group rides. And no matter what kind of cyclist you are, there's a group ride for you. Here are just some of the group rides you can participate in this weekend:

The Eternal Roll-Out Ride

Every group ride begins with at least a few miles of easy spinning. This allows riders to warm up their legs and catch up with each-other. Eventually, though, the chit-chat ends and the pace picks up. If you live in fear of that moment, The Eternal Roll-Out Ride is for you. Here, the camaraderie never ends and the real riding never begins. It’s 50 blissful miles of looking the part without having to actually play it.

The Epic Ride

The Epic Ride is the stuff of legend. Literally. Every Sunday riders meet at the local cafe and agree on the day’s exploits. They then disband, go home, and blog about it. Here’s a sample from the 16th paragraph of one of last week’s ride reports: “We hit the base of the big climb doing 60k. My wattage was off the charts as I took my turn at the front. After three miles of climbing in the big ring the gradient kicked up from 19% to 25%. Knowing I only had a few more bullets in the chamber, I made my move, shredding what was left of the group.”

The 29er Ride

Like 29ers and preaching to the choir? You’ll love The 29er Ride, which consists entirely of riders endlessly extolling the virtues of their big-wheeled machines to one-another. Ride highlight from last weekend: hitting that rocky climb again and saying for the fourteenth time, “Oh man, I never would have cleaned that on my 26-inch bike.”

The Knowledge Ride

This left-leaning group of academics has a penchant for long-reach calipers, fenders, and Avocet tires no narrower than 25mm. The pace of this ride is as sensible as the equipment, and as each rider takes the front he or she also holds forth on vital issues of the day. The route and the topics always change, but there’s one thing you can count on: someone’s going to drop the hammer—of knowledge! (This weekend, expect topics of discussion to include Barack Obama, the economy, and a guilty 20 minute diversion into Britney Spears’ latest hospitalization under the flimsy guise of a parenting debate.)

The Arby’s Sessions

Fixed-gear freestyling comes to New York City’s exurbs every Saturday night with the famous Arby’s Sessions, which take place in a fast food restaurant parking lot in Norwalk, CT. Rumor has it that this week, Drew, who got to third with Hilary Rubin one time and can smoke a whole cigarette with inhaling, is going to finally pull off a backwards circle. Also, Brandon is expected to show up on his new Pista Concept, which he’s been begging his parents for and which they finally bought him after he totally rocked the PSATs.

The Compact Ride

At first glance, this is a group road ride like any other. But look closer and you’ll see that every rider is using a diminutive compact crank. Yes, The Compact Ride means there is finally a place where the small of ring and BCD can come to feel safe from scorn and ridicule. It’s like a ¾-scale real ride. Expect lots of pro-compact chit-chat on that first climb, and expect even more anti-triple ranting.

The Newbie Ride

Every week, three or four nascent cyclists from the trendy neighborhood head out in their jeans on a motley assortment of fixed-gears and old road bikes to that place over the bridge they heard about at the bike shop. The first 20 miles is spent mocking the roadies in lycra who keep passing them. The next 20 miles includes lots of stops to struggle awkwardly with mechanical problems, a lengthy delay caused by a sneaker shoelace getting caught in a drivetrain, and a resolution to leave the locks and stuff home next time and bring water bottles. The ride home is awkwardly silent, and the rest of the day is spent nursing severe crotchal chafing. Be sure to show up the following week to see who caved first and bought cycling shorts.

The Recreational Cycling Club Ride

Do you call cycling “biking,” use flat bars on the road, and keep your cellphone in a fanny pack? If so, this is the ride for you. The only tattoos on this ride are chainring tattoos. Strap on your helmet, slip on that neon green windbreaker, clothespin that route map to your handlebars, and hit the road. Don’t worry about getting dropped—this ride stops for everyone, and it stops a lot. This weekend: a four-hour, 15-mile round trip ride to an ethnic restaurant.

152 comments:

Dr. Chocolate Donut said...

maillot jaune

Matt in Seattle said...

I have a friend who got so many chainring tattoos, that he went out and actually got a chainring tattoo. On his leg. About 14 teeth. Like it was really grease.

Anonymous said...

first

Anonymous said...

Millar '84

vigorelli said...

huh

Anonymous said...

With the pack

Anonymous said...

Man, I could crush some Arby's right now.

Prolly said...

Don't forget the Peel Sessions!

Anonymous said...

i've actually thought about getting that tattoo...is that NOT cool? maybe i should go back to my original idea of getting a giant tattoo on my belly of two fixed-gear freestylers in a love embrace, complete with rainbows, clouds, tight-jeans-with-chain-wallets, and unicorns.

Anonymous said...

What about the OGONB (old guys on nice bikes)? This quarterly ride is filled with fat ex-racers, who looked like lycra-clad stuffed sausage, on Dura-Ace equipped bikes. When someone skinny passes the peleton, someone (Ben) feels the need to jump on his wheel for 1/4 mile.

Anonymous said...

29ers are ghey

Flash Gordon said...

yes, the rich ex-racers ride is common here. There's also one group in Seattle that is like the eternal newbie ride, but mixed with booze and retardedness.

KanyonKris said...

Evilly funny. Didn't we all do the newbie ride at least once?

Eric Thrasher Troili.. said...

so funny..! the recreational ride description is right on.. there are so many doughnut rides around here just like that.. ride to a favorite soup stop.. eat soup with people you don't really like.. then burp all the way back to the start where the doughnuts are..

too funny..

ps.. my chainring tatoos are permanent and self inflicted..

Lee said...

Only took me a few crashes to do something about those sneaker laces, a piece of duct tape carefully applied will do the trick! (Of course I don't that anymore)

quentin loves caddy said...

We admitted we were powerless over BSNYC - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Judi said...

This is why I don't do group rides! EVER!

Lee said...

"don't do that anymore"......sorry

Cameron said...

My club has all of the above mentioned, it just depends which day you ride. Is that good or bad?

Peter said...

Anon 11:57,
didn't I see that Tattoo on BikeForums.net? "HugLife" right?
wow,
http://www.bikeforums.net/showthread.php?p=6071647#post6071647

Anonymous said...

FIRST!

alliwannadoisbicycle said...

amaaaazing.

proletariatputz said...

I'm shocked you didn't take the opportunity to rag on Critical Mass.

Lindaga said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

LOL!

You forgot the suburban fancy-pants ride where cranky recreational riders squeeze themselves into triathlon gear and ride all-carbon time trial bikes on a "leaderless" ride with a error-ridden cue sheet.

No one talks to anyone else and they try to ditch each other as soon as possible.

Lindaga said...

what about naked rides?

Karl Rover said...

You forgot the "Excuses Ride":

The first 20 minutes consist of a round robin discussion on why each rider cannot ride too hard today. Common excuses are: 1) I haven't been riding much, 2) my hair hurts and 3) I am riding my "beater bike" which generally is far better than any bike in the group. After all the whining, everybody hammers just as hard as they always do.

db said...

http://www.bikeforums.net/showpost.php?p=5824179&postcount=1351

Matt in Seattle said...

Anon 11:57. I walked into my local tattoo shop where I've gotten most of my major work done. They're really good and the owner has a light hand. While I was there a girl walked in and asked to a tattoo of a mustache on her finger, as to put it to her upper lip and play like she had one. The artist said 'Yeah, I've been doing a lot of those lately.' This is when you think of something a little more original.

Matt in Seattle said...

Flash, .83?

Anonymous said...

Another home run for the Snobster!

I shave my right calf so I can show off my chainring tattoo at the ethnic restaurant.

Anonymous said...

oh, man, you hit me from every angle on this one. I'm putting my bikes on craigslist this weekend, look out for the posting with the bitter laments about how the scene just isn't for me. then please politely avert your eyes from my blotchy, tear-streaked face.
if anyone has a vespa for sale, please let me know

Zoe the Wonder Dog said...

The Knowledge Ride sounds an awful lot like a Unitarian service to me!

Kelsey said...

I LOVE the OGONB ride! especially if they have a theme (like they only ride Swedish bikes) and their equipment is period correct, down to the bottle-cage... They are always totally down for bestowing some random fact that you can use to impress your friends later on the Arby's Session, too.

Kelsey said...

Flash,

could it be the Midnight Ridaz?

OpenYourEyes said...

I was forwarded an email about a group wanting to form a club to pimp Brand X bikes and gear purchased at "a significant discount through Brand X sales rep, who just so happens to be the one organizing the club. (Due to confidentiality and royalty issues I won't name Brand X.) Brand X club will do "club rides and races on road, mountain, cross, TT, whatever, equipped with Brand X gear." "No one will be out to hammer anyone within the club, only to ride together and represent."

Does it sound like Brand X local sales rep is trying to form a Junior Varsity Squad, hoping his buddies will be voluntary billboards for him at rides and races? What a tool. This club ride would be called the "duped rube ride," when a bunch of knobs want to get together in matching uni's to trick other riders into believing they are the real team riders.

Of course the inevitable will happen. The JV riders will be the duped ones because all can see there is no way in hell those fat pasty bastards are the real team members.

Anonymous said...

I'll take group ride number one minus the group and a distance of 10 - 20 miles. After years of riding all types of bikes and terrains, I've settled on meandering, middle paced short-ish rides - alone. The common thread is that they are always FUN and I can actually find time to do them without having to free up time a week in advance.
Oh yeah, no lycra here! chamois undies under slim fitting shorts that a normal human could wear off the bike in good conscience.

Anonymous said...

midnight ridazz is in LA - and .83 is hella lame. those guys suuuuuck to hang out with. wanna be mess'rs with 'tude and nothing to back it up.

Kelsey said...

Anon 1:18

there's also a group up here that goes by that name...

and yes, .83 is lame.

kyre said...

"The Newbie Ride" - you forgot to mention "will adorn matching bowling ball helmets"

Miriam said...

You forgot the Collegiate Team ride...a random mix of racers on training rides:

Experienced Racers: Food, water, dressed accordingly, tools and tubes, fenders if necessary. Usually the senior members of the team and or leaders.

Newbies: Jeans/tee or only shorts/jersey, no warm clothing, no food, water ocassionally in some type of hydration system, on their older 10sp commuter which squeeks/makes other random noises.

Clueless: the ocassional mtb with knobbies, running shorts and sweatshirts.

Bluenoser said...

How about the you have to go buy insurance before we will let you ride with us because we have all these expensive bike.

True. I've been told this.

-B

leroy said...

I aspire to join the Old Guys On Nice Bikes ride.

The problem is: I am sure I don't qualify. There are guys older than me riding bikes nicer than mine.

Now excuse me, I have to take my Garmin to the shop. The GPS keeps saying I'm riding in the State of Denial.

Hmmmph. New fangled technology. No wonder I look so lost.

Bluenoser said...

and some of them even said expensive bikes.
B

leviathan said...

Matt in Seattle:
I think I might know that girl with the moustache tattoo. Friend of a friend. But who knows. I had no idea that there were more people wandering around out there with it. You'd think that at some point the irony has to fold in on itself. Ironic hipster moustaches, then ironic hipster moustache tattoos. Bah!!

bikesgonewild said...

...gosh, i feel so exposed, so vulnerable...

ZiP said...

its raining in new york today, i may not be making it out to the arby's session tonight.

Anonymous said...

I gave a Saturday morning training ride a shot once. About four miles into it we topped a hill and they all went away. I probably could have caught up with them...if they had stopped at a yard sale or two, but these guys don't stop for nuthin'. It's like they're trying to turn bike riding into a sport.

curmudgeon said...

You got everything about the recreational club ride, except that it takes 8 hours to cover 15 miles, not 4. And you forgot to mention that there's always some bossy know-it-all telling everyone else what to do, whether they need it or not ( and this bossy is never the actual ride leader ).

Anonymous said...

Are OGONB and "fat pasty bastards" one in the same? Because I am their leader. We go 12 miles or 40 minutes, whichever comes first. Then, stick a fork in us, dude, because we are DONE.

Anonymous said...

Here's what Wikipedia, that font from which all knowledge flows, has to say about 83:
83 (eighty-three) is the natural number following 82 and preceding 84.
In mathematics Eighty-three is the sum of three consecutive primes (23 + 29 + 31) as well as the sum of five consecutive primes (11 + 13 + 17 + 19 + 23).
It is also the 23rd prime number, following 79 and preceding 89. 83 is a Sophie Germain prime and a safe prime, and also a Chen prime. It is an Eisenstein prime with no imaginary part and real part of the form 3n − 1.
It is also a highly cototient number.
Christian Neo-Nazi symbol
The eighth letter of the alphabet is H and the third letter is C, thus 83 stands for "Heil Christ," a greeting used by racist organizations that consider themselves also to be Christian.

leviathan said...

Over this past summer a couple of friends and I crossed paths with a group of .83 riders. One of them had just ran into one of those short wooden posts that they put where paths intersect with streets to keep cars off. I felt pretty bad for him at first since he had just destroyed his fork. He then preceded to throw a drunken fit (from what I understand .83 is the bike equivallent of getting totally shit faced and going for a sunday drive) and tried to unsuccesfully pull the post out of the pavement. Like the gaping hole would have been safer than having the post there.

pinchfinger said...

What the hell does 'nascent' mean?

And by the way, Karl Rover, you are so right-on; can't tell you how many times that has happened.

Great blog, great week. Everybody have a great weekend.

ZiP said...

adj: Newly coming into existence.

ex: Just as soon as the nascent cyclist's pista arrived and he chained it near Union Square, it vanished that evening.

BicyclesOnly said...

Snob didn't rag on the Mass 'cause he's down with it!

fatcyclist said...

top-notch post, bsnyc. multiple audibles.

Kelsey said...

do the .83 kids hang out with those annoying Fast Fridays A-holes? it seems like they would, they're all the most obnoxious drunks in seattle as far as i understand the situation... so why wouldn't they get along?

and BTW PinchFinger:
"beginning to exist or develop" is the definition of nascent

urchin said...

Wow, that's the second or third rip into compact cranks this week--what gives?

Did you get sand kicked in your face again by a bunch of thick set guys from hilly regions?

Chunk said...

I second urchin...

Is a compact really that much of a faux paus?

I just put one on my bike with an 11-23 in the back. Really didn't lose anything off the top end (Wasn't much there to begin with) and I get a couple lower gears so it's kind of a win-win situation.

Daniel! said...

I always thought nascent meant "go to dictionary.com".

BikeSnobNYC said...

Chunk,

Of course not, they make perfect sense. I just enjoy knocking them, mostly because it's funny how defensive their owners can get.

They don't make a crank compact enough to make me climb well anyway.

--BSNYC

The Car Whisperer said...

re: the chainring tattoo. It's almost as ubiquitous as the tramp stamp or the hipster star. Don't get it.

ZiP said...

Dear Bike Snob:

On an unrelated note, is there a way of calculating when the bridges will be sorta frozen over? I mean, if there's been precipitation and its stayed under or around freezing for 24 hrs, are the bridges definitely going to look like they did in your post from a month ago or so? I'm just wondering how you calculate it if things look all fine and dandy from one's apartment initially, and you find yourself trying to climb ice.

Thanks!

Anonymous said...

Where is the "I'm not feeling well today.lets take it easy........As long as or Average doesn't drop below 23mph" ride at?

leviathan said...

Kelsey:
I would say that they don't. Only a few Fast Friday kids ride their bikes. And even then it's only usually from Sing sing to the Cha cha. I wonder what the preoccupation with redundantly named events/locations is.

phatstanley said...

Longtime reader, first time poster.

As always, monsieur Snob, you working many hammers and hittin' lotsa nails on hedz. Kudos.

Just read about this local story. Maybe they were on the "better hold your handlebars right or i'll sue yer arse" group ride.

Kookoo: http://thescotsman.scotsman.com/latestnews/Cyclist-sues-fellow-rider-for.3722404.jp

Anonymous said...

BSNYC:

This was truly one of your wittiest and funniest posts !
Truly enjoyed by ...
yet another fat pasty bastard on a nice bike.
Thank you.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Zip,

I'm usually taken by surprise. But unless lots of snow and cold are involved they're usually fine.

Phatstanley and Anonymous 4:24pm,

Thanks very much.

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

Love BSNY but don't understand the hate for compacts. My 50/11 gives a higher GI than a regular 53/12, and I've got that much less metal to haul up the hill with a 34/25 than a 39/27(or 29). Would love to see your average NYer spin up any of our local Bay Area hills on a 39/anything.

A Silly Prejudice.

vigorelli said...

I was going to get that tatoo, but after reading these comments...
forget it.

Snob,
yer just cruel and heartless

bikesgonewild said...

...speaking of the word 'nascent' & scotsmen...

...nascent happens to be a scottish term meaning "no smell"...

..."a'm sooo fooked up, i got nascent in me fookin' noze, ya wee git bastards"...

...it's a cultural thing...

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 4:36pm,

Please see my 4:05 reply to Chunk above.

--BSNYC

leroy said...

BGW --

I ran your definition by my cousin McLeroy. He said:

"Tha' makes nascents at all ta me."

Bike Knob NC said...

You forgot the ride that takes an hour to get ready. They sit at the car and talk, get dressed, and wrap sweet bandanas around their heads while casually strapping on their helmets. Then they pump up their tires, mix up sports drink, don their shoes, and casually test ride their bike in the parking lot before returning to their vehicle to (poorly)adjust it. Never once do they realize they are wasting other riders' time.

Ahhh,those are my favorite.

Anonymous said...

Snob Outers take note:

"They don't make a crank compact enough to make me climb well anyway"

another clue!!

Anonymous said...

LMAO

Best entry in awhile. For a second I thought you fell off, BSNYC. This is the rebirth of comedy.

Anonymous said...

Great one BSNYC! We have the Poser's Parade. A combo of the recreational club ride and OGONB, except everyone is that bossy know-it-all Curmudgeon mentioned. They do several 5 mile laps on a trendy local drag, snubbing all other cyclists that lack their sophisticated velo-tastes, and stop for 15 minutes between each lap to stare at each other's bike and debate whose carbon wheelset is the best.

mr.complaint said...

Critical Mass is more like Parallel Play.

Sorry to miss the group ride today, sounded fun.

Anonymous said...

.83 ?
check out their website:
point83.com
LMAO!!!!

road captain said...

how do you like my new handlebar bag?

Anonymous said...

BSNYC, I just, um, really enjoy reading your blog.

Anonymous said...

Zip:
If you are serious, there is an answer to your question as to when a bridge is at danger of freezing over. It is 39 degrees farenheit. I know this because I own one of the luxury cars so routinely mocked on this site, and it features a "gong" which goes off when the outside temp reaches 39. Because the underside of the bridge is exposed to the elements, it will ice over long before the surrounding roadbed.

Anonymous said...

83, ALL!!!

Anonymous said...

"drop the hammer-of knowledge!"

Nice. Like the too-loud jerk who holds forth mile after mile to whoever the hell's beside him (i.e. the whole group) about component-this and component-that. Freaking human T-charts.
Shoot me now.

Anonymous said...

Leroy,
Wouldn't your Scottish cousin be "MacLeroy"?

bill nye said...

A couple of things.
First I think compact cranks are a great idea, however the reason I sometimes laugh at the people with them is the fact that while they have been out and marketed for a while people that own them seem to think they have stumpled upon a brand new cycling inverntion (much like people who ride 29ers) They are a good idea but get over it you are not that trendy with your little rings (or big wheels)

Also where are you getting this 39 degree thing for bridges freezing pretty sure your car just beeps there because it feels like it. A bridges will get ice on it faster because it loses heat from both sides unlike a road, but it still has to get to freezing. or at least much closer than 39.

sprider said...

anon 9:41, not if he's using a PC.
"Ay thurs nascents to this thread at all",
And its not Scottish, but Pirate talkin' ye be speakin' matey.

emily said...

best. post. evar.

Anonymous said...

Bill Nye:
Quibble if you must, but that's what it says in the Range Rover owner's manual, scout's honor.
Anon 8:51 p.m.

bikesgonewild said...

...sprider, me bucko...
...arghhhhhh ya sayin' ya never be hearin' a' robert louis stevenson what wrote "treasure island", a fine, fine story by a scotsman what knowed all about piratin'...

...i be thinkin' thar be wenches n' mates a-from all tha isles of britain, back in tha days a plunder...

...just sayin'...

...just saying...

leroy said...

Anon 9:41 --

It was MacLeroy, but the family changed it to McLeroy when they emigrated.

They didn't want to stick out.

wetfrog said...

Hello, I've been riding in blue jeans and sneakers for a good 30 years now; fast and lean, and with no chafing. Some of us in plain clothes are also quite strong riders and well versed in bike technology. In my opinion, most Lycra wearing is a just a technical justification for a perverse desire to show off one's own butt crack.

Anonymous said...

What about the "general misanthropy" ride? Where people get together and bitch for 20 miles and 10 bars about how much every other bike club in town sucks.

It's my experience that these folks quietly hate everybody else on the "general misanthropy" ride, too.

bikesgonewild said...

...leroy...what was it your family didn't want to stick out...

...just wonderin'...

handsome bastard said...

better never than late.. OGONB abound in my town. their style quotient peaked, i believe, around 2002 when half could be counted on to be in full St. Lance kit including the Madone maintained weekly by Brad down at ExpensiveCycles, calf high black socks and the ever present Maillot Jaune. There'd be two or three in Assos head to toe, Dennis, the laid back one in a nicely starched Grateful Dead or Fat Tire jersey, and pulling hard at the rear, carrying the biggest paunch and riding the most expensive Colnago, the 50yr old lawyer in full Pantani replica kit, pinker than he'd be in his birthday suit and sporting a skull'n'bones do-rag. We'd grin and wave...

And what of the 5:30 pick-up race? There must be one in every town. This takes place in the bike lane leading home from downtown, where the Dutch would be breezing that long 3mi in suits and skirts, briefcases stowed in baskets. Here you're trying to keep to yourself when, at the top of the 1/4mi. 2% col, someone in full lycra on a $5K bike grunts and puffs up alongside you and hollers "good pull!" I've never been to a circle jerk, but I imagine it's about the same. A friend, ordinarily fast as greased lightning, claims to have made a point of being dead last up every hill to avoid being chased down by fat execs on de rosas.

Anonymous said...

I love it when the Fast Friday homos grope the .83 hobos while the Dead Babies bond them with leather as Cascade members drive by.

Anonymous said...

"I love it when the Fast Friday homos grope the .83 hobos while the Dead Babies bond them with leather as Cascade members drive by."

I love how the Seattle version of this is shit-talking about various bike clubs, as if that means something.

I'd much rather have the bike snob classification over the Seattle douchebag bike club classification.

Flash Gordon said...

Yes, shit talking is practiced to perfection in Seattle. I've ridden with .83 and Fast Friday, and even as an outsider I was treated to friendly people out to have a good time. Admittedly FF is for tracksters and fixie kids, but that doesn't make them any less friendly or pleasant to be around. .83 has no standards for membership except alcoholism. Probably why I had fun with them too. Maybe you should have a drink, Kelsey.

Anonymous said...

man the point83 website is so lame!

cumdumster said...

point-ate-three?

i dont get it...they are, who?

Anonymous said...

Wetfrog
As in, "If a (wet)frog had wings, he wouldn't bump his ass when he jumped. Or, "If wetfrog tried lycra once, he wouldn't accuse REAL cyclists of having an ass fetish." Glad you can ride 30 years with jeans and sneakers. But then, if I was only riding to the drug store and back like you, I probably would wear jeans and sneakers as well. Also, I wish I had a dollar for every doofus who said he was a strong rider and techno savvy. I'd be able to buy that Merlin I've had my eye on in the bike shop window.

Anonymous said...

It's Saturday. What to do when there'll be no Snob posting for two whole days? Go out and ride my bike? Naaaaaaahhhh... I'll just sit here and wait to grab Monday's podium.

SkidMark said...

Anon 4:23
ditto on the point83 website!

Terry said...

How did the single speed mtbers get overlooked?

Anonymous said...

I have a three squashed gnat tattoos on my visage. A fly would have been gauche, though I considered it.

By the way, do you think the poster named quentin loves caddy cares that my dog is named Luster?

Anonymous said...

I am the official president of the OGONB. Make fun of us all you like. One day you will be one of us.

Yes, young Luke, we were once like you, just learning the ways of the force. Eventually, the heart, legs and lungs just will not do what they used to. Coincidentally, your income trajectory will rise, allowing you access to a rig you could only dream of in your wood plank and concrete block furniture days. You will unstrap your heart rate monitor, perhaps even lose the bike computer and stop logging your miles altogether. Then, cycling will become a transcendent experience. You will once again know the joy of riding like when you were 12 years old. It will be liberating.

So what if you are 30 lbs over your racing weight. You have a wife, kids, a mortgage. You can't train 300 miles a week anymore. "Size matters not! Judge me by my size, do you?" -Yoda

Just as girls eventually turn into their mothers, your fate is already sealed. Rage against it if you must. You are me.

SkidMark said...

Bill Nye...the science guy? Then certainly you've heard of induction icing. In flying, carbureted engines are susceptible to icing up to as high as 70F with visible moisture - due to the venturi effect - super cooling from the air being drawn in. So a bridge icing up at 39F or even higher is not at all unlikely. Nuff said, class dismissed.

Anonymous said...

Judi, you arrogant sl**!

Kelsey said...

Well, i'd rather be a shit-talker/douchebag than an alocohlic.

Poop Hat said...

Kelsey sez: "Well, i'd rather be a shit-talker/douchebag..."

...and so you are.

Everybody masturbate your self-righteous indignation, have your "BAAAAAWWWWWW, *I'M* right/hardcore/awesome/in-charge/et cetera, then please STFU.

You are all on the Misanthropy Ride.

Argon Gas said...

that was me trashing my bike on the bollard on a .83 ride last summer. Shin healed, bike did not. Got a new bike out of the deal and a scar. Don't remember "throwing a drunken fit" but I do remember having a beer and my friends removing the bollard and pouring booze on my wound. I do remember hopping around going: Ow, Ow, Ow! Got picked up by my wife and got drunk at home that night!
Here is my bike:

http://www.rideyourbike.com/bentpinkbike.jpg

As for hate and name calling, as long as there is bike love behind it. We call racers "squids" here in Seattle, but there is respect and endearment behind it as many of us used to race or used to wear lots of lycra and many still do under their jeans!

Bike rule!

Argon Gas said...

I meant

Bikes Rule!

Anonymous said...

Well I think that regardless of who is doing the fucktardery, Seattle has established itself as not a very friendly place.

bykviking said...

How about the Bike Snob Outers Ride:

A motley mix of fixed-gear hipsters and tall bike aficionados gather in the Village with their eyes peeled for anyone snapping random pictures of locked or perhaps unlocked bicycles (if such a thing exists that isn't also called stolen). The constant bickering you hear is generally centered on whether or not the Snob is sporting one of his own Seal's of Disapproval.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous February 2, 2008 2:08 AM here. I'm sorry I excluded your Seattle club, Anonymous February 2, 2008 3:30 AM. Tell me what it's called and I'll work in an insulting stereotype for y'all too. I've ridden with all of those clubs and had a good time because, you know, I was on my bike instead of talking trash on the Internet.

Oh, it's probably bike polo! Sorry I haven't made it out for the 206 action. How's this:

"I love it when the Fast Friday homos grope the .83 hobos while the Dead Babies bond them with leather and take a mallet from the bike poloers as Cascade members drive by."

I just can't quite figure out a way to make the CBC rhyme but whatever. The Seattle bike scene rocks! Here's to a new Beacon Bomb club in 2009.

Anonymous said...

http://www.rideyourbike.com/bentpinkbike.jpg

do it, snob. do it.

Anonymous said...

I learned the hard way what a "party" ride meant. I was a newbie who thought the riding started at the designated time. Said time actually was when people started showing up to start drinking. Of course I drove an hour to get here, and have to go to work 3 hours later, and I'm stuck having to stay sober while everyone else gets hammered because it's their day off. They're still at the same bar, 3 hours later, and I'm now at work. So much anticipation and excitement for the first ride of the year turns into so much disappointment in so many ways.

stream of nothing said...

genius blog post.....loads of fun comments......supercool

proletariatputz said...

Anonymous BicyclesOnly said...

Snob didn't rag on the Mass 'cause he's down with it!

February 1, 2008 3:28 PM


Good to know it passes muster.

jimmythefly said...

@ anon Feb 2 1:59

We're friendly, but when we're not friendly we're also honest about it.

Anonymous said...

Quote:

Anonymous said... 1:59PM

Well I think that regardless of who is doing the fucktardery, Seattle has established itself as not a very friendly place.

/End Quote

I certainly hope people are able to make their own decisions. Seattle is far from unfriendly. Sorry some of you have had bad experiences, but I've lived in Seattle a long time and rode with most of the crews here. I've always had fun.

And .83? Surly drunken bike gangs? For The Win!

leroy said...

BikesGoneWild --

Don't know. But that branch of the family wore very long kilts.

Wet Frog --

Thirty years of riding in blue jeans and sneakers? Isn't it about time to do your laundry?

Anonymous said...

JEANS AND SNEAKERS FOREVER

Anonymous said...

prolly? gay.
bikesgonewilde? ...gay...
proletariatputz? gay
argongas? gay.

Anonymous said...

Say it loud.
I'm gay and I'm proud.

gwadzilla said...

as per usual...
great post
lots of sage words here

but your public waits

what does the bike snob have to say about the DKNY Bikes?

Anonymous said...

Argon:
Bentpink is the most beautiful bike I've seen in my entire life! I must have it! Price is no object! I'll start the bidding at $2,500.

bikesgonewild said...

...dear anon 10:19am...if yer gonna lie, perjure & generally project yer little fantasies on others, please show the consideration of spelling their tags properly...

...personally, i hate to be besmirched by the intellectually challenged...

...just a thought to help you better denigrate others, so that you can achieve some sort of self satisfaction...

...enjoy yer life...

Anonymous said...

wasn't there a post from a "bikesgonewilde" not too long ago - not to be cofused with the original, often imitated, never duplicated, bikesgonewild?

Anonymous said...

"Here, the camaraderie never ends and the real riding never begins."

LMAFO!

bikesgonewild said...

...i....hate...homos.....don't call me that....

bikesgonewild said...

...nah...i don't hate you guys, so obviously i couldn't hate ANYBODY, anywhere, anytime...

...just sayin'...

Danimal said...

RE: Anonymous... 1:59PM

"Well I think that regardless of who is doing the fucktardery, Seattle has established itself as not a very friendly place"

Unfuckingbelievable that someone managed to change fucktard from a noun to a....what is that? An adverb? I don't even know. Hilarious though.

And now you should steel yourself against the onslaught of passive agressivity, or silent condescension, both prominent weapons in the seattle social-order arsenal

mc_burn said...

<< you are serious, there is an answer to your question as to when a bridge is at danger of freezing over. It is 39 degrees farenheit. I know this because I own one of the luxury cars so routinely mocked on this site, and it features a "gong" which goes off when the outside temp reaches 39.>>

My 2001 VW Passat does that too, so I'm not sure about the "luxury" part.

Anonymous said...

This whole thread = BAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWW!

May your shit come to life and kiss you on the face.

Andy Pandy said...

Used to do the "Hour of Power" ride which is all about some fast boys laying down a pace at the front to dump everyone off at the back. If you survived the ride and finished in the main group the rest of the day is about carbo reloading and walking slowly

The Great White Hype said...

My dad is in a group they've dubbed the FAGOTs, being "Fat A*sed Guys On Treadlies". Kinda hard to get shirts made suitably explaining that one from a reasonable distance.

Phatstanley, killer link. Only a Scotsman would sue someone in a situation like that. He obviously wasnt riding hard enough if he could 'see his hands move to the sides of the bars'. Sweat should've been pouring across them, or at the very least (in Scotland) icicles dangling from his eyebrows.

GWH

Johnny Sprocket said...

There's also the Sunday morning, 'Bike Shop Ride". Where club racer, salesmen in their free, shop name, lycra and wholesale priced carbon fibre, velos, outrace the poor customers they've duped into buying hybrids!

Anonymous said...

hey i just found these keirin onitsuka tigers online. http://www.asicsamerica.com/onitsukatiger/products/shoes/shoes_detail.asp?gender=mens&productid=240008537 i thought to write/say/post something about them somewhere to someone, but you came to mind almost immediately as someone who could probably say it better. assuming you would have an opinion on them.

Ka_Jun said...

"someone’s going to drop the hammer—of knowledge!"

Nice...great stuff, snob.

Anonymous said...

.83 makes my eyes throwup

Seattle is stupid. Nobody cares about you douchbags up there, go away.

Anonymous said...

Nobody cares about Seattle!

Except some anonymous douchebag who trolled through 141 comment to point that out.

Anonymous said...

I think you are looking for sneakersnobnyc....

Anonymous said...

144? Thats gross...

anon 10:19 said...

Dear Bikesgonewild 2:08:
Your name was intentionally misspelled... it was a reference to another very gay Wilde... perhaps it is you who is "intellectually challenged"...
yes...perhaps...

Just doing my part to try and make this the most commented on post yet...
alas... I was successful... this time.

anon 10:19 said...

or was I?

bikesgonewild said...

...
...
...
...

Anonymous said...

Its a bit late I know, but the keirin asics are legit. Theres a wanabe keirin rider training at my velodrome on some kindof exchange program. He wears all the funny keirin stuff, rides an all njs bike, and barely speaks a word of english. I asked what his name was, so he just pointed at his leg. His name is Shin.

Legs said...

ha, i love it

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