Monday, December 31, 2007

The Final Indignity of 2007: Giant Looming Posteriors

As I typed my last post announcing my vacation, I did so with trembling hands. Not because I was excited to take my leave, nor because I feared blogging withdrawal, nor even because I had just received a substantial Nashbar gift certificate for Festivus and could finally take advantage of their Inventory Reduction Sale to purchase Primal jerseys, obsolete Shimano components, and wire-bead tires with single-digit thread counts at unbelievable prices.

No, I trembled because I had been traumatized less than an hour before.

I had been riding Manhattan-bound over the Brooklyn bridge when I was overtaken on the incline by another cyclist. As he passed me, I noticed to my astonishment and horror that the waist of his jeans was so low that it revealed a sizeable percentage of his buttocks. I'm not talking about the sort of incidental plumber's crack that's so commonplace in our society that we hardly notice it. No, I'm talking more crack than Chris Rock smoked in "New Jack City." I was being mooned. Maybe not a full moon, but certainly at least a waxing gibbous. What's more, it was pretty cold out that morning, so the entire objectionable region was redder than Kentucky on election day.

While I generally observe a policy of not taking candid photos of other cyclists out on the road, I do make an exception when I feel that I have been wronged. And nothing's more wrong than exposing yourself to a fellow commuter like a mating baboon. At that moment, all bets (and, apparently, undergarments) were off. So I took this:

Note that I have maintained a respectful distance. (Though in all fairness and honesty, the distance is more out of fear than respect.) However, through the dubious magic of modern technology, I can zoom in to give you a better sense of just what I was subjected to that awful morning. Fortunately for you, as I zoom in, the resolution suffers--so you don't have to:

Note the strategically-placed bag strap. Unfortunately, it was not strategically-placed enough. Had it been a mere centimeter to the left, it might have covered his gluteal cleft and I might have been able to convince myself that I was simply looking at his back and not at his backside. That was not the case. In such moments, I find myself contemplating how the fate of man is often decided by the tiniest of margins. What if the Titanic had changed course just a little bit sooner? What if Lee Harvey Oswald had missed? What if Fignon had not lost those eight seconds to LeMond? Tough to say. All I know is, if only that strap had covered his ass crack, I might still believe in God and I might not have spent the rest of the morning rubbing my eyeballs with sandpaper.

Closer still and we note a few more items of interest. Our assailant appears to be riding a fixed-gear bicycle with SPD pedals in dress shoes and socks. He is also wearing a lock around his waist which may be the only thing keeping his pants from falling any further. I may very well owe that lock my life.

I'd like to say that after he passed me he receded into the distance and the image of his chapped rear receded from my mind's eye. That was not the case. Instead, after passing me he slowed just enough so that I was stuck behind him until we got to Manhattan. I'd also like to say that this is the only time this has happened to me. It isn't. It's just the only time I took a picture.

In fact, I was so traumatized that later that day I took a totally different route home. While it took me completely out of my way, I did encounter the following:

A Brooklyn Machine Works Gangsta Track simultaneously: 1) proving that top tube pads are indeed out of style; 2) showing that it has clearance for bar spins even with a 700c front wheel; and 3) doing an uncanny impression of a dog licking itself.

Green lights as far as the eye can see as a brace of spankin' new fixed-gears (complete with reflectors) dutifully wait for their owners outside an Avenue A bar. (New fixed-gears + drunk riders = fun!)

A friendly reminder or a bewildering reminiscence, depending on how you read it.

A lovely sentiment, or a graphic reminder of my morning nightmare, depending on how you look at it.

Fortunately, though, nobody exposed themselves to me as I headed home to embark upon my vacation. Which, save for tomorrow's holiday, is now over. So there it is--a chapped and repulsive ending to 2007. Let 2008 be more modestly attired.

88 comments:

Pascii said...

Sweet!

db said...

Wow, that would suck. Glad I haven't encountered anything like that on my commutes. Probably only a matter of time, though, right?

spokey dokey. said...

Dog licking himself...awesome.

Bluenoser said...

Crap

The King said...

You never know what you may see or find when commuting. Excellent post.

andrew said...

I don't know what to say. I of course would like to thank God and all my homies that supported my long quest to arrive in 5th place. Peace out.

P.S. thanks for the post BSNYC, mo good...

spokey dokey said...

Oh yeah....

CHiPS

Anonymous said...

Crack of dawn ride....

Polygraf said...

The chances of that rider reading your blog are slim but imagine if he does, I'd like to get that on camera. BSNY glad to have ya back.

lt col tim said...

Top Ten! Allons!

lt col tim said...

Ahhh, the city that never sleeps, unfortunately. Bad taste knows boudaries such as space and time. What next, a shaved dog's ass in a baskets? Its just a matter of time.

Dress shoes and spds = know spd fear and no control (especially w/ no brake). Af fine investment indeed.

Let us pray that this is an indicator of cleaning out the bad of 2007, but experience tells us otherwise.

Thanks for the early comeback snob!

GhostRider said...

Looks like one of your readers figured out who you are, and was expressing his displeasure at being the "butt" of your jokes!

Welcome back, Snobby...and have a happy New Year!

Cycle Jerk said...

This is yet another reason for the bar mounted pellet gun...

sprider said...

Scary ride, great post. Happy New Year!

Perhaps a Parrot said...

Rubbing your eyes out with sand paper was too funny BSNYC. Glad to have you back.

Anonymous said...

Clearly, you've never been on, or witnessed one of the World Naked Bike Rides. It's all fun and games until some dude in front of you fruit bowls himself, and you see his bits dangling behind his ass.

You want to know what horror is while cycling, it's that.

Evershed said...

crack is wack

Anonymous said...

hummmm ..butt crack

Anonymous said...

Welcome back Snob! Missed you greatly. I hope your Festivus was filled with many feats of strength! I'm looking forward to a 2008 filled with you airing grievances.

Just released: "It's a very BSNYC Festivus" - The only Festivus pole with a top tube pad.

Jim said...

Snob, that's nothing. We have a local BikeTrailGuy who rides this old white road bike, maybe a Univega, while wearing a White Guyfro, big mirrored sunglasses and Chucks, sporting only a banana hammock for clothing, though I saw him once in a similarly tiny triathlon speedo. He looks like one of the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers, Freddy Freakowtski, if Freddy lost 20 pounds and worked as a male dancer in a low rent strip club. I see him on the Cap Crescent Trail about twice a year and can only look at him out of the corner of my eye for fear of torching my corneas. Of all the horrifying Roadbike Fashion Disasters, that dwarfs even the Japanese kid who rides in the summer in a heavy down "hand grenade" jacket, with his helmet on backwards.

Mmmmm... there's a holiday image for ya. Hippies in banana hammocks riding bikes. Happy New Year!

mr.complaint said...

Say DOC, if I lean right it's a waxing gibbous and if I lean left it's a waning gibbous. Or is it a waxing gibbous on the first half of the bridge and a waning gibbous on the way down?

Once on a very hot day in the Old Country I did pass a Nana and Papa pedaling along in their unmentionables. It did not make my day.

Sorry man.

Meep said...

I thought, for a second, that the yellow bike had peed on the sidewalk. I know bikes don't pee but occasionally I wonder...

I understand Snob's pain... I too had an encounter with an uncovered butt. I was walking to the entrance of the bookstore's coffeehouse when a psudo-punk girl started walking near me... but she got in front of me and I saw why everyone at the coffeehouse was snickering. I've never seen a girl with so much ass hanging out. You think it's bad cycling behind someone's butt? SHE SAT NEXT TO ME.

Anonymous said...

Butt crack, the new cleavage

Anonymous said...

This isn't exclusive to cycling. I frequently saw a young punk-ish woman in Boulder on a Vespva, her ass crack always showing as she wove through traffic.

chris

quaffimodo said...

new crack city.

broomie said...

Ahh, The Snob has returneth! Now we can focus our scorn on fresh meat rather than bickering among ourselves some more. The helmet as a personal choice debate would've been quite entertaining If it weren't for the fact that it pops up every 3 weeks on any forum remotely related to cycling.

Fortunately when I am "faced" with horrible visions on my bike (or blogosphere) I just cast off my glasses or rub my eyes hard enough that my contacts pop out. The world becomes pleasantly blurry, like after a 3 martini lunch chased with a red bull and ether. Fortunatly, my Jedi like bike skills allow me to ride blind, don'tcha know?

clayton said...

ether. that's the good stuff.

clayton said...

ether. that's the good stuff.

SeattleM&M said...

That moon shot is an apt ending for 2007. I suppose it should be taken as a sign of heterosexist bias that I am puzzled by complaints about female 'rear cleavage', yet easily comprehend feelings of revulsion re: the hirsute male version. What can I say? Rock on, punk ladies!

Heckler said...

oh to be the mechanic that gets to fondle that magical seat; a true joy I'm sure.
Crack kills

Heckler said...

Link failure in above. Try this:
http://tinyurl.com/2dvbaq

SkidMark said...

to anon 11:26
One of the reasons I read bsnyc is not only to get more bike savvy, but to learn about life in general - I guess I lead a very sheltered life - I'd never heard of "fruit salad" - that's awesome!

My only ass crack story is about doing a group ride behind a dude who should've retired his shorts a LONG time ago -looked like one of those see-through swimsuits in back. But the worst part was the ass hairs sticking through the fabric! Required thorough eye flush with oven cleaner.

Ronsta said...

Welcome back, happy New Year!

Festivus poles = MKE represent!

Justin said...

On my commute, the worst thing I have ever seen was some guy pulling down his pants and taking a dump on the sidewalk. This happened in Los Angeles. That is much, much, much worse than a half mooning.

Paul said...

I do know something of how you felt. During the Sydney to Wollongong ride in November, I passed through a score of "Borats" in Mankinis. I was extremely thankful that it wasn't an out of the saddle climbing stretch. You cannot let the nausea slow you, as they may catch and overtake resulting in an early finish in the middle of nowhere.

Anonymous said...

Skidmark: If you think the terminology is funny, you should have seen the reality.

Horrific.

And the asshairs through the fabric, Aughgh! Gross.

leroy said...

Last ten miles of this year's TA Century, it's hot, and everyone is soaked. One of the ride marshalls should have retired his shorts a few years earlier.... Before they became see through.

But the best part is, the vision is preserved for all to enjoy in the video blurb on the TA site for the Century.

Fortunately, in the video, you can't really tell that his shorts are see through. You hadda be there.

There is hope for the world in 2008.

BSNYC -- Welcome back from vacation. Hope you got some riding in. I missed riding in the good weather being too under the weather to ride this past week.

Anonymous said...

whoa, cool yellow bike

bikesgonewild said...

...bsnyc...sorry to hear of the crack in your reality...

...a happy new year to all & (applicable as needed) may you survive not only the night but tomorrows recovery...

spinthechilicycle said...

You funny, Snob! Funny indeed!
Keep up the good work!

quentin loves caddy said...

A new snob devotee! Bike culture in its many manifestations now scares me. I'll continue riding anyway.
I'd love to see the butt cracks of certain women.
Are dress shoes hip now?

Anonymous said...

SPD compatible dress shoes - I think I'm on to somethin'!

quentin loves caddy said...

btw, snob, there was a brand new top tube pad on fgg while you were gone. a comeback?

Roman Holiday said...

That's why it's always better to lead than to follow.

Jon said...

You'll love this...or not. While I was in college in the mountains of NE Ga, a wonderful mountain biking mecca no doubt, my friends and I engaged in an annual outting. Once a year we would hold a "tour" we coined "raw hide racing." There was a 4 mile trail called Beaver Dam that we would violate once a year.

We would respect the eyes of the unassuming by having a "pace car" of sorts a good bit ahead of us that could turn around at a moments notice to quickly helps us reclaim our dignity.

Raw Hide Racing was this: barreling down Beaver Dam Trail, butt ass naked with our lead rider sporting a backpack with all of our clothes in it.

No we're not homos, no we weren't on drugs or drunk...we were just complete idiots.

Cheers...

GASubCyclist said...

I love the early post, I hate to have to read it "by the light of the moon", but all in all, if you have to be visually assaulted to get a post out of you, I think we're all better for it. Happy New Year, BSNYC, and all who read!

Anonymous said...

not a homo, but willing to learn...

Anonymous said...

Several years ago while riding a loop in eastern Nassau County, I was JRA when a hand, attached to a passing motorcar, chose to spank me as I rode. Had this interloper managed to wait and encounter your commuter "butty" (sorry!), how much more satisfying, even justifiable, his assault would have been.

Anonymous said...

Why I believe those buttocks belong to Mr. Paul Steely White, Director of Transportation Alternatives! It must be Part of Paul's plan to utilize his posterior to entice more New Yorkers to ride bikes.

Judi said...

Happy New Year BSNY!

Glad you're back!

Prolly said...

Chris' BMW got snobbed! Awesome.

I lock my Concept up like that when the 650c HED3's on it.

I wish I could lick myself.

bklyn said...

My bike is famous!!!

I'm trying to think where and when that picture was taken?

Cforest said...

You let a guy in loafers with butt crack pass you... and then you followed him. Next time run him off the road.

bloodontheboards said...

I'm screwing spd clips into my dress shoes as we speak. can only pull on the pedals though cause when I push the screws will go into my foot. Motivation to ride faster? Also, I'm going to screw them in at the heel just to be different and cool. Who cares if every time I make the slightest turn the toe overlaps the front wheel and sends me over the bars.

Donga said...

I'm gonna do that the next time I'm in a bunch ride and some bastard wears those nicks with a mesh panel at the top of his butt crack. It brings a tear to my eye. Usually I drop back and wave the next guy into line. Next time, I'm gonna pass him and put my knicks halfway down my ass (hard to do with bibs, but there's got to be a way).

leroy said...

Wait a sec....

This post is why we should all be riding with a supply of those BSNYC Seal of Disapproval stickers.

Someone could have saved BSNYC's vision by coasting past the offending buttocks on the downhill and slapping on a few stickers while pretending to congratulate the rider for his superior climbing skills.

Nicholas Name said...

So... what is "ioiko" and why do people love it?

curmudgeon said...

I almost cracked up one summer day in 2006 while cycling north on the Central Park loop. Some guy on a ti Indy Fab passed me. Totally the opposite of the guy who passed you on the bridge. This guy would never have allowed himself to cycle with loafers on SPDs. Anyway, as he passed I noticed not only his bike, and picture perfect brand new road togs, but that his brand new Castelli shorts allowed me much more of a view than I wanted. Ugh. Not sure what castelli was thinking with the see through shorts.

gttim said...

This happens on motorcycles as well. This shot is famous! (Makes it through Google Moderate Safe Search.)

Anonymous said...

there's nothing wrong with wire bead tires

Philip Williamson said...

I don't think drugged, drunken, naked homos get the respect they deserve. Really, they're blazing a path for all of us.

Anonymous said...

Loll. Glad to have you back Snob!

mander said...

^^ that was from me, mander

Anonymous said...

What a horrible way to finish the year!

My favorite heckle to people exhibiting a lot of butt crack is to yell "Cover that up before someone parks there bicycle in it!" which would be particularly appropriate in the context of a rider, although more so if he is stopped at a light rather than overtaking you...

Anonymous said...

Speechless...I thought that saggy pants/ass crack look was reserved for hoodlums and prison folk but I see it has indeed crept into the cycling world...BooYah!!!

Rich said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
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intense penetrations -
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intense penetrations -
internal explosions -
in the vip -
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jerk that cock bitch -
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see her squirt -
servere penetrations -
she has a negro problem -
shemale ultra -
slap that butt -
sleep invasion -
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solo videos -
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street blowjobs -
street ranger -
suck it you whore -
swallow for cash -
sweet suckers -
team squirt -
teeny bopper club -
the big swallow -
the hoes we choked -
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Anonymous said...

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ass parade -
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ball honeys -
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bang bus -
banged babysitters -
bare bum mountain -
barefoot maniacs -
be the bitch -
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big league facials -
big mouthfuls -
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big tit patrol -
big tits round asses -
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brit bangers -
bust that cherry -
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