Thursday, February 7, 2008

Schlock Therapy: The NAMPBS Preview

As the fillet-brazed hype machine that is the North American Handmade Bicycle Show nudges its self-consciously retro bar-end shifter into high gear, another bike show prepares to open its doors as well. It’s not nearly as well-known, and it’s decidedly more pedestrian, but for those bicycle enthusiasts who can’t make it to Portland or who just plain find inspiration in mediocrity, the North American Mass-Produced Bicycle Show will be the place to be this weekend.

A record crowd of industry outsiders and confused pedophiles is expected at VFW Post 1666 in Yonkers, NY when the NAMPBS begins this Saturday, and if last year’s show is any indication, you should wear shoes with rubber soles because the floors will once again be wet with saliva. Of course, this is not because people will be drooling over exquisite bicycles; rather, it’s because they will be bored into a state of slack-jawed half-sleep by a slew of lukewarm offerings from tired manufacturers. Here’s just a small preview of what you can expect to see at this year’s NAMPBS:

The Hall of Eerie Similarities

Over at the NAHBS, each bicycle is as individual as a snowflake. At the NAMPBS Hall of Eerie Similarities, though, they’re as indistinguishable from one-another as Oreos, squirrels, or the people on the L train. Here, the byword is rebadging, and the only difference is the decals:




(KHS's Flite 100. Welcome to "meh" city.)


(Seat cluster on its identical twin, the Mercier Kilo TT. Check out the good enough welds and the paint that effectively covers the metal.)




The Hall of Empty Shells

Many of yesterday’s storied marques have been bought and sold over the years and exist now in name only. Here you can see the latest offerings from the people who own the rights to use decals that say things like Schwinn, Masi, and Raleigh.




(Note the pointy seat-tube thing on this Raleigh Whatever. Whatever.)


This is one of the fastest-growing segments at the NAMPBS. This year’s buzz: will Cannondale have a booth?


The Trend-Forecasting Symposium

When it comes to innovation, exhibitors at the NAMPBS are re-active, not pro-active. The Trend-Forecasting Symposium consists of a small room with a computer in it so exhibitors can look at pictures from the NAHBS and decide which ideas are cheap enough yet marketable enough to copy. Admission is $5 on top of the regular entry fee. Includes coffee and bagels while they last.

A General Celebration of Bike Culture

There are a number of exciting bike-related events planned in the area in conjunction with the NAMPBS. Highlights include:

Windsprints at the Piper’s Kilt Pub

You’re heard of goldsprints. Well, windsprints takes it up a notch as competitors face off on those stupid stationary bicycles with the fans. It’s like watching paint dry—literally! The first person to produce enough of a breeze to dry a coat of latex semi-gloss wins.




Notable Residents of Yonkers Alleycat

Riders must complete a series of checkpoints set up at the past and present homes of famous Yonkers citizens. Residences include those of comedian Sid Caesar, forgotten rapper Jadakiss, and Elisha Otis, inventor of the passenger elevator.

The Gimbels Ride

No visit to Yonkers is complete without doing the famous Gimbels Ride. This storied training ride is said to be one of the oldest in the US. Whether or not that’s true, one thing is for certain: you will run afoul of a woman in a BMW SUV who’s irate because you’re keeping her from her nail appointment.

So be sure to check out the NAMPBS, where the only thing looser than the schedules are the manufacturing tolerances. It’s the show that actually represents what most of us ride.

139 comments:

erick said...

Numero uno

Adam said...

First!

Jared said...

I win!

Adam said...

Edit: Second.

agentdetroit said...

loser!

Karl Rover said...

Sorry, but I cannot make it to show this year. Last year's offering was boring enough to last me awhile.

Anonymous said...

pants pooped in portland

Adam said...

I know, I thought I had it... I guess I should have used aero bars on the final TT in Paris.

Peter said...

why don't these great bike shows ever come to Chicago?
What a rip-off!

Anonymous said...

Eat more bacon!

Matt in Seattle said...

The picture and the comentary about the Raleigh was like a funny punch to the kidney, not that I work for them or anything.

erik k said...

bikesnob, don't you ride a KHS?

AH said...

Careful on the link dumps, Snob. You might inadvertently make rod-actuated front derailleurs the next must-have hipster bike accessory.

BikeSnobNYC said...

erik k,

Does it matter?

--BSNYC

KanyonKris said...

When I saw the section headline Windsprints at the Piper’s Kilt Pub and the photo of the Schwinn Airdyne (clone?) I immediately pictured kilt wearing riders having their kilts blown up ala Marilyn Monroe. Not a pretty picture - mental or otherwise.

erik k said...

nope just curious

Hjulcompaniet said...

Is that the one where everyone wears the same Polar watch?

erik k said...

snob,
well, actually its kind of funnier if you are a little bit making fun of yourself

Jim said...

You know, I've been a commenter since the beginning, and I've read *every* BSNYC post, and I have to tell you... that post was really adequate. It was just humorous enough to fall somewhere between the mean and the average on the BSNYC humor scale, providing more than a brief chuckle, but something less than guffaws. A credible performance, nothing to write home about, but similarly, most will find it nothing to be ashamed of either. No doubt the normal number of commenters will read it, and conclude that you jumped the shark. Similarly, the usual number of readers will discover this blog for the first time today, and you will receive the quote of 1.8 "Great Post!" comments. Meanwhile, BikesGoneWild will get spoofed 2.1 times, and BikeSnobChicago will, as usual, employ this post as the basis for some similar-but-derivative bit, as well as motivation for kicking his cat.

So thanks. I'm not a little grateful, nor do I offer many thanks, but just ordinary thanks, for this very normal blog entry. It was typically satisfying and ate up the normal 94 seconds of down time during mid-day, in my average, mid-level job in a decent place to work for an okay salary.

Jim said...

Shorter me:

I was whelmed by that discussion of mass market bikes.

ka_Jun said...

Hilarious, leave no stone unturned in the quest for mediocrity! You figure any of the mass marketing industry types read this? Lowered expectations, indeed.

BikeSnobNYC said...

erik k,

I'm usually making fun of myself. (Except when I mention triathletes of course. Dork-O-Rama!)

Jim,

Eh.

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

Hmmm... almost like an Onion article, I appreciate.

Strayhorn said...

Ugh. Those welds were not "good enough" for the guy who signed my ticket lo these many years ago.

As for the welding discussion yesterday: What I like (or liked, as it were) about C-dale welds were how smooth and formed they are/were. Grinding, filling and smoothing a weld is hard work and only a craftsman/woman can do it right. I'll admit it: If I'm going to lay out serious coin on a bike, I want finished welds and a good paint job.

The bikes I've looked at recently had good welds - consistent beads, good toes - but obviously unfinished. Just wire brushed and painted.

The welds on Liberty/Victory ships were very strong (being V welds), but very ugly as they weren't looking for beauty. The Liberties cracked on the hull plates - that's not unusual. On riveted hulls, the crack would stop at a plate end or rivet hole. On welded plates, the crack continued through the weld to the next plate. The initial remedy was to weld extra plates in a staggered fashion over weak points. The hold edges were also changed from square angles to round corners to redirect stress.

And they learned to quit overloading the deck cargo, which was the cause of the cracking in the first place. This was all part of the welding class I took, taught buy a guy who had built Liberties and Victories in the yards at Wilmington.

And now, back to ugly bikes . . .

bikemike said...

Jim,
A mediocre critique of a mediocre criticism of a mediocre bike show. You slay me!

bikesgonewild said...

shucks....I thought this posting was about NAMBA....

Anonymous said...

Jim,

I read your blog regularly, and I like it. I'll probably continue to, but I'd say that generally your comments here are better than what you write there.

since we're sharing today...

Sprocketboy said...

Masi: how the angels weep!

But Not-Very-Good-Bikes have a long history. My 1974 Gitane Gran Sport features silvery paper on the fork instead of chrome, much like the trim on the Oldsmobile Cutlass Ciera of the same period.

At least these junky bikes get ridden, unlike most of the Holy Art Objects at the NAHBS.

Anonymous said...

How do I get to NAMPBS? No, seriously. Directions and how long is it going on for?

Anonymous said...

Jadakiss. hahaha.

Boz said...

Do I get more roadie cred if I peel the stickers off of my Motobecane and replace them with Felt stickers? I could get a bunch of name brand peel and stick name labels so it looks like I have a vast fleet of silver, Ultegra equipted bikes. The names might just fool the uninformed. I think I'm on to something. Is my plan BSNYC approved ?

M. Weed said...

L Train, salt!

Anonymous said...

BSNYC

of concern among the non-mass produced bike crowd over at the rivendell google user group: are they tweedier than us?

here's the them:

http://www.tweed.cc/style.html

...and here's the RBW thread

http://groups.google.com/group/rbw-owners-bunch/browse_thread/thread/adb5026852e7e3b3

Sprocketboy said...

That famous residents of Yonkers alleycat sounds great. Did Herman Melville live in Yonkers? Maybe near Sid Caesar. At least he is buried there now at Woodlawn.

mr.complaint said...

Adriaen! Adriaen!

It's a Dutch thing.

Are those welds as good as the ones on the Vintage Schwinn Varsity and Continentals? Hmmm.

bikesgonewild said...

...obligatory first real bgw post for the day w/ regulated ellipses quota & undoubtedly more to follow...

...subject ???...i don't need no stinkin' subject !!!...i'm just here to blow hot air up the skirt (excuse me, i forgot, you call it a kilt) of the intellectually challenged...

Prolly said...

WOAH

Pinchfinger said...

Everybody is a critic; you try putting out 5 days of copy, week-in and week-out. How about supplying some ideas for Snob to focus on rather than sitting back waiting for him to be genius?

On another note, how original can a bike frame be? The triangle frame is repeated over and over again with slight variations; brakes are brakes, stems are stems. I'll admit a good smooth buffed weld is a thing of beauty, but pretty isn't where the strength is. One-off's are great, but why wait a year for a bike?

And on one more note, erik k, we've all seen a picture of BS on a Moth.

Now get out there and ride.

db said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
erik k said...

haha.. prolly thats awesome... and as long as were laughing at puppets

db said...

"confused pedophiles"? C'est redundant?

Great preview.

fondy said...

Cannondale just needs to get back to it's roots, and make road bikes with hideous 8inch diameter downtubes again.

BikeAnon said...

Would'nt be awesome if WalMart sponsored a TDF squad on Cannondales? and all of the roadie posers started wearing WallyWorld jerseys around their tanning, oops training, rides.

TTT said...

Hey pinchfinger-
The ads for the Washington Post used to have the tag line- "If you don't get it, you don't get it"

Get it?

Anonymous said...

jemaine would totally rock the windsprints

Nick said...

Woo hoo. A reference to the Gimbels ride. And to read it in New Mexico. Did that ride many a time in the early '80's. And back to the types of training rides. I WISH we had something like that here in Albuquerque. (Basically a race with no organization . . . at all.)

Nick

Anonymous said...

Oy! You there, Pinchfinger!

Ol' Jim was makin' a funny. Some of intellectual like types call it sarcasm.....Hmmmmmmmm

Judi said...

(Except when I mention triathletes of course. Dork-O-Rama!)>>>

*************

Watch it BSNY! :0) I am NOT a dork!

Judi

Anonymous said...

BSNY...I read that like "Bisney"...the Disney of Bike Snobs. Someone start calling him Bisney.

pinchfinger said...

Now now, don't everybody go get riled up.
All I'm saying is, what is wrong with mass produced bikes? We've all been riding them for years. What do you want out of a frame except vertical compliance and whatever the hell the rest of it is, lateral stability? And you can get that from a Trek 4100 frame as well as from a '79 Schwinnn, or a Specialized Globe.
By the way, I think I get it. I think.

Jim said...

Strayhorn, agreed on the older Canondale welds - they looked like icing on a well made wedding cake, just absolute cream cheese & sugar. I had a couple of their late 80's vintage crit bikes and the build quality was exceptional. They're okay enough now, but probably machine welds, comparable to what you'd see on a Fuji. Workmanlike, solid, probably nearly perfect structurally, but not exactly meisterwerk stuff.

BikeMike, thanks. BTW, that's a fantastic mustache. Did you steal it off a famous dead Edwardian?

Anon 1:49 - that cut me deep, man. I may have to beat up a hobo or three on the way home, just to get the sadness out of my system. FWIW, it's easier to pull of cheap ironic snark than detailed original brilliance. Many blog commenters are aware of this, and some bloggers...

Since we're sharing...

Anonymous said...

Pinchfinger said...

"I'll admit a good smooth buffed weld is a thing of beauty, but pretty isn't where the strength is."

Actually, with aluminum, pretty is where the strength is. Or at least the durability. Welds are stress risers and filing them smooth reduces that effect, thus reducing the chance of fatigue cracks. But almost no one keeps a bike long enough to notice.

Philip Barrett said...

Jim : I believe you're being a little harsh about today's post. Personally, I found it firm yet laterally compliant.

Anonymous said...

Jim,

I apologize, maybe I was too harsh. You're blog is good, but you're comments here are usually extremely good. Sorry bikesgonewild, and Prolly thats just my opinion.

And you're right, its much easier to comment than it is to write something compelling every day.
I understand and respect that, which is why it bothers me when people complain about mediocre posts.

Most people are more like me, they are able to write well, but really don't have much to say. Peace.

since we're sharing...

bikesgonewild said...

...gosh, i have a tear in the corner of my eye...

...whoops, sorry, i just checked & it was a leftover tear for sheldon...

...oh, well...

leroy said...

Mock mass produced bikes all you want, but if are looking for beautiful welds, you have to go with carbon fiber monocoque construction.

Honestly, those welds are so smooth, you can't hardly see 'em.

Now that's craftsmanship!

Sadly though, they just don't make 'em like they used to.

Doesn't anyone remember those arcade machines where you deposit a couple of quarters and watch hot plastic and a soul pumped magically into a mold that then cools, splits apart and drops a warm model Triceratops, in pink or green, straight to your out-stretched hand via a trap door?

Remember how cool that was?

I hear they'll have one of these machines on display in Yonkers.

I'm going and bringing my quarters.

Madone or Tarmac, Madone or Tarmac. I just can't decide!

bikemike said...

Jim, The 'stache is real. Got it from my Dad (geneticaly speaking)so there might be some Edwardian aspect to it after all.I have changed my picture to another relative to verify the familiy hirsutness (...nosity?)
And, Anon 3:30, the comment about mediocrity was a compliment as Jim seems aware.
I am too full of errors and incongruities to be critical of anyone else.

silly said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
silly said...

How can i get to the show, I have a pickup and I am a driving machine, anyone want to carpool? im bringing my dog and some back-up vegan food just in case

bikesgonewild said...

...i guess if i really wanted a sport w/ less haters, i would a' chosen golf...but i'd a' probably always been in fucking trouble for tryin' ta play through...

...none of us are always gonna be great at what we're representing, but i guess i like to see original thought, even if it ain't MY style...

...jim, leroy, commiecanuck, prolly. strayhorn,eric k, mr complaint, so many regulars & others, all are being creative & that, to me, is whats up...

...bsnyc (whoever the fuck this guy is) creates this awesome, five day a week, labor of love & people from all over the english speaking world, drop in to check it out & i hate the idea that someone wouldn't find it enjoyable because they couldn't see past the bs bickering in the comments (& yes, i've been guilty of it in the past)...

...while there are always some good, funny anon. posts, i think if you really have something to say, stand up & be counted...

...we all may tweek our style to fit but ain't nobody changin' fundamentals...

...just my thought...

curmudgeon said...

Bikesnob, you threw a curve into the road that i thought was going straight, so I went straight into the ditch. I thought the NAMPBA in Yonkers was going to be showcasing Huffys, Roadmasters, Pacifics, Kents, Nexts and Felts. Until I scrolled down . .

Kelsey said...

Bikesgonewild:

i completely agree.

Anonymous said...

bikesgonewild

"stand up & be counted," bwwaaahhh

please get off you your horse. you're just as anonymous as the rest of us.

and i'd still read this blog whether you post a comment or not -yeah, your comments mean that much to me.

Anonymous said...

Strayhorn:
"Good toe!" You are so right. Cameltoe RULES!

Anonymous said...

Kvetch, kvetch, kvetch.

bikesgonewild said...

...sorry, babe, i was speaking to the contributors...

...don't be so self centered...

...zat give you plenty to work with ???...

Bluenoser said...

What about my old glued trek 1000. Now there is a nice smooth weld.

-B

Anonymous said...

Jim 1:28:
Nobody should know better than you the impossibility of creating a genius post five days a week. Your critique was not mediocre, it was asinine.

Daniel! said...

please get off you your horse. you're just as anonymous as the rest of us.

Yeah, his consistent (and idiosyncratic) style and name--which have remained the same for months--render him EXACTLY as anonymous as the posters who can't be bothered to spend the, like, two seconds it takes to sign in, which one can do without an account.

and i'd still read this blog whether you post a comment or not -yeah, your comments mean that much to me.

They're clearly important enough to merit a comment of your own, but apparently you don't want to expend the tiny amount of effort it would take to write a name--any name--below the box marked "Leave your comment." Seriously, it's that easy. Why throw in your lot with the "grate post sniob" wallflowers? Pick an identity and comment!

bikesgonewild said...

...noooo, don't fall prey to it, jim...

...someone's trying to establish themselves as the contrarianist bsnyc's contrarian...

...an antidisestablishmentarianist of bikesnobist commentators, if you will...

Anonymous said...

Once more, evidence emerges linking bikesnob to C'dale...

Andy Pandy said...

"Cannondale will be the crown jewel of this new Dorel division, which will seek additional such growth opportunities, he added." Loosely translated to : We will keep it until we find some snook entrepreneur dumb enough to buy it and save our arses for buying such a dud.
PS A weld by definition is a metal defect/ inclusion , so grinding them will not make them any better structurally just easier on the eye. And if I can recall my metallurgy classes, the liberty ships also had issue with low temps in the Atlantic which embrittled and altered the grain structure and allowed for easier crack propagation. Darling where is my medication

Anonymous said...

On average during the Second World War, America's Military-Industrial Complex managed to churn out 3 Liberty ships a DAY! They once built a whole ship in under 5 hours. Why is anyone surprised that the welding does not match that of a fine filagreed Italian frame of the 70's?

Anonymous said...

I post anonomously because, just as I cannot find precisely the right top tube pad to properly reflect my ultimate superiority to the cycling proletariat, I cannot locate a "handle" which proprely conveys my sterling wit and extraordinary personality.

Matthew said...

You are the best. Funny as always

Anonymous said...

I post anonomously because if BSNYC knew how much time I devoted to discovering his true identity, he would take out a restraining order against me.

Daniel! said...

I cannot locate a "handle" which proprely conveys my sterling wit and extraordinary personality.

I feel you, Anon. My shit took months to think up.

erik k said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Michael Green said...

I put up a few links at bikeblog, to the NAHBS. Does anyone know about these A.N.T. bikes? They seem pretty amazing. Nice post BSNY.

Anonymous said...

Jadakiss LIVES!!!!!!

erik k said...

reading the comments section on this blog I constantly amazed how many people who read this blog just don't get it, and then post funny, defensive, reactionary comments.

Of coarse when reading these comments there are two ways to interpret them:

One they really don't get, and there comments are just a sad and embarrassing manifestation of that.

or they are well thought out and excited parody's which trick all of of into telling them they are basically an idiot.

Either way its usually pretty funny. So to Jim I say well done today, you penned the perfect response.

Anonymous said...

I post anonomously because if my Mom saw my screenname on here, she'd ground me for a week.

leroy said...

Well, I post anonymously because ....

Errr, uhm ... oh dear.

Boy is my face red.

Ignore this post, okay?

Pee Wee said...

NAMBLA review? Do tell.

Anonymous said...

great now it shows i visitied man-boy love on my work computer.... thanks snobby. another great one

Anonymous said...

Half the joy I get from reading BS's posts is from the general Blog Snobbery afterwards. BS doesn't even need to start the rolling hate. It just rolls!

The cycling community is such a vibrant and amiable one.

In complete NAMBLA sincerity, I love you all.

Morgan

Anonymous said...

Dearest “bikesgonewild,”

In response to your previous posts, allow me to help. Please do not feel obliged to post. Please understand, you need not comment. In fact, your compulsive attempt to bask in the reflected gleam of BSNYC’s celebrity comes across as more than a bit pathetic.

Additionally, let me disabuse you of an erroneous conceit and offer a gently correction: Simply misusing ellipses is not considered a writing style.

“Blow,” if you will, but your pretense to intelligence is misguided. Before you can bafflingly repeat: “...none of us are always gonna be great at what we're representing,” let me attempt to respond in a reductive negation of your sentiment. Yes, you will never be great at what you represent. For the sake of all, please tell me that greatness and creativity do not entail simply and quickly responding to blog commentary.

Count me as purposefully and proudly Anon.

yonk said...

I was going to hold a Bike Snob NYC Ball where everyone masquerades as his or her favorite character. But, alas, I fear they all will come dressed as themselves.

(Let's see: Snarky comment? Check. Identified by nickname? Check. So, now I can put down “Bike Snob NYC Contributor” on my resume?)

Andy Pandy said...

Thank the Big Guy/ Gal upstairs that he/ she created us so differently. Imagine if we all rode Fixed Gears (urk) or hybrids ( should be a law against cross breeding) or Mountain or Road. Boooooring. Fortunately we were all punched out of the mould a little different and that is the twist. So if you do not side with BGW, then don’t read it, or react to it or feel that you have to propagate the hate. By doing so all you end up being is a little more like what ever you wish not to be. Must leave now as Richard Gere is coming over for a little session on Advanced trackstand techniques

The Crase Family said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Scott said...

Check it out! Something completely different from Lennard Zinn and Velonews!

Anonymous said...

Judi
Au contraire - you are a triathlete, so you ARE a dork!!! You're a tri-dork trying to defend your dorky sport, which makes you uber-dork.

read ttt's comments (2:18p) - "If you don't get it, you don't get it"

Judi, you don't get it!!

bikesgonewild said...

...wow, thank you, thank you, thank you...i feel so much better now that i've received your concerned & erudite help...

...what a wonderful defense...i only hope you didn't harm yourself wielding that sharp wit...either way you got your digs in & i know you needed that...

...you be sure & have a wonderful night now, babe...

Clayton said...

the L train. the cattle car of hipsterdom.

Walker said...

Thanks, Snob, for that potent reminder of why I don't work the 'industry' anymore.

Tommy G said...

in my opinion this was the least interesting bsnyc post ever.

Anonymous said...

tommy g

in my opinion, the forceps the doctor used to deliver you were at least one size too small

Kzoo said...

BSNYC~

I have to agee w/ Judi. If triathletes all look like her they aren't dorks, they are HOT!!!


Although, I'm betting the boys don't look like her.

bikesgonewild said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
bikesgonewild said...

guess who?!

I never said...

Pedophile? That's what we call people who like pedalling on the other side of the pond. People who like their young friends too strongly are paedophiles (pædophiles if you have a classical education and then you probably do like children too much)

Anonymous said...

when bikesgonewild gets mad he calls people babe. did you all know he's a NAMBLA member? when he heard ginsberg joined he had to jump on the bandwagon. right, babe?

bikesgonewild said...

Why don't you come over here, Anon, and get your tip...it's right in my pocket....babe

ZiP said...

"where the only thing looser than the schedules are the manufacturing tolerances."

haha, nice!

Anonymous said...

I HATE THEM BUMPS ON THE ROAD THEY MAKE MY BALLS HURT

bikesgonewild said...

I can help you with that....you piggly sumbitch

Oo said...

it took me about 20 hours to realize that you're just messing around and that there's no such thing as the North American Mass-Produced Bicycle Show

Anonymous said...

People, how about a exercising a little comment discipline? Nothing personal, bikesgonewild, but you, and everyone else, would be better off if you stopped responding to provocation. When you keep rewarding foolish behavior you end up looking just as foolish. And the self perpetuating cycle is incredibly tedious for the rest of us.

-Russ

Anonymous said...

wow. you know how money sometimes keeps you from having to worry about stupid stuff? some of you guys need some. maybe in the form of a well paying job that keeps you busy, you know, enough.

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